FRIENDS AND DECISION MAKING

Imagine you have to make a major decision like choosing a life partner, a new job, or buying a home.  Behind all these opportunities is the same objective, being, will your choice improve your well-being?   You consider the pros and cons, costs and benefits, and worry yourself silly.  There is one problem in all this analysis, you are by design TOTALLY SUBJECTIVE and cannot reasonably make a proper conclusion.  Likely you will second guess yourself and lose your sense of perspective.  Here is where close friends or those with local knowledge can help you.  You have to ask the right person the right question.

 To start, don’t ask the obvious question which is, “Should I do x?”  This will make your advisor very reluctant to be candid, as they fear what they will say the wrong thing or they’ll be held accountable if you follow their advice and things go poorly.  In all likelihood you will get safe or evasive advice. 

 Instead, go back to the underlying issue, which is your well-being much later on.  Rather ask, “Do you think doing x will improve my happiness and well-being in a few years?”   This is a more speculative question which the respondent can more honestly and helpfully answer.  That person can reply using their personal knowledge of you or the matter at hand. Likely their answer will help you consider areas you had not imagined. Most importantly, they are concerned about your well-being but are more objective, as an outsider can see sometimes appreciate the issues as it affects you better than you can. 

 Besides asking the better question, choose the right person to ask.  If it is a new job, ask someone who is familiar with the position.  Moving, someone who lives there already, etc.

 Too often when we make big decisions we focus on the most obvious aspects of the opportunity and forget that it those smaller quirks that will make or break your later well-being.  Yes, the view is amazing (pay great, person is beautiful), but what are the neighbors or parking like as this will influence your long term wellness more than an awesome vista (or more income).  Others are much better at seeing or imagining the longer term consequences of your choices on your happiness and their objective or informed input should be wisely welcomed.

 Remember to keep your cup gratefully smaller.

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PRAISING OTHERS

Praising others, and being praised by others, improves our well-being.  I was not aware until recently that there is hard science* confirming this. Research can now give advice on how to make praise more effective and reduce its potential unhelpful side effects. Many a primary school teacher likely knows this: 

It is more effective and constructive to praise a learner’s effort than the result of their effort.

But I’m not  primary teacher, so I found this suggestion profound, and certainly true for myself.  If someone praises my finished product, yes it does feel good, but the half-life of the compliment is short.  When the effort, skill, diligence, problem solving or determination is acknowledged, not only do I feel pleased, but a more subtle pride ensues which lingers for a long time.  The effort that created the successful outcome can be replicated in other circumstances and endeavors – it is the skill that is transferable, rather than the content. Effort based praise empowers transferable skills. Focusing too much on the result of the effort can undermine the willingness to try again, and too much praise can backfire if handed out too freely.

Praise works both ways, for the person being honored and the person doing the honoring to feel more joyful. Why, despite its wellness benefit, do we seem to largely reserve praise for the young and by adulthood, give it out only occasionally?  We seem to have replaced praise with criticism: being judgmental instead as if those concerned should know better.  Is it because it takes more to impress us? Are we reluctant to see excellence? Regardless, rationing praise and reserving it for the young isn’t helpful or useful.

If effort is the catalyst for successful outcomes, perhaps it is time to re-visit and acknowledge the successful actions of others, including our peers.  It might be helpful to get into the habit of lightening up our expectations and admiring other’s efforts more.
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*: “Self-discipline Outdoes IQ in Predicting Academic Performance of Adolescents” , Duckworth, A.L. and M. Seligman, Psychological Science 16 (2005): 939-44

“Praise for Intelligence Can Undermine Children’s Motivation and Performance”, Mueller, C.M. and C.S. Dweck, J Personal and Social Psychology, 75, no.1 (1998); 33-52

OTHERS ARE YOUR MIRROR*

Recently a colleague (Roger) explained and justified his positive disposition, even in challenging times.  He said quite simply,

Others are my mirror.

His perspective was that if he was down or anxious, those close to him might feel and respond to him with similar emotions, like for like. Similarly, if he was hopeful, positive and enthusiastic, then his excitement would spread.  Using the idea of a mirror, what he projected was likely to be what others felt and that would then be reflected back to him. 

 Our external disposition is contagious, both for good and for ill.  There is strong research  evidence** that emotions or actions are contagious.  How often have you yawned and then others near you have done the same? Taking mindful ownership of the attitudes you are expressing can improve the wellness of those around you.  Enthusiasm lifts the spirits of a room: once you decide to act with a positive attitude, it does not take much effort for those around you to follow your example. 

 Whereas our external or public self may be joyful, it is essential to ensure that your internal or private self  lines up with the image you are projecting.  It may take some internal combustion  and resilience; a ‘fake it till you make it’ to jump start the positive cycle, but it does work. Our private self is deeper and more complex than the public self, mirroring years of experience which our momentary external expressions cannot always capture. It may be less joyful, but that is replaced with being hopeful and patient.  Our past experiences and growth can make what others see more authentic if you are coming from the right place.

 As others are your mirror, consider carefully what image you project.  Is that the “you” you want others to see and remember you by? Make your reflection work to the advantage of others (and yourself).

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*: Thank you, Roger Lin, for this wonderful quote, idea, example and your positive attitude

**: Hatfield, Elaine; Cacioppo, John T.; Rapson, Richard L. (June 1993). "Emotional contagion". Current Directions in Psychological Science. 2 (3): 96–9

CHORE OR BLESSING?

Recently I faced a rather challenging situation. I had to personally move 2 tons (1,800 K) of gravel from the top of my driveway to its final resting place about 100 m at the bottom of my garden.   The gravel had to be carried in a bucket as a wheelbarrow was not an option.  I faced a choice: was this undertaking going to become a miserable chore or a wonderful blessing?

 To me the answer was obvious, as these materials were not going to move themselves.  TOTAL BLESSING!!  Having decided I was fortunate, I needed to convince myself I was indeed lucky.  I had to adjust my mindset to make the feat seem inviting, promising and worthwhile. Being enthusiastic was possible: I just had to do mind games to convince myself real progress was happening. Over two days, the gravel made its journey to the pathway far below. Then, I had to stand back and savour the improvement, feeling great satisfaction at what I had accomplished.

 My point is that often we face distasteful but unavoidable assignments.  Given the tasks inevitable nature, we must decide whether it is an unpleasant chore or a blessing.  Unfortunately, our default setting seems to be less hopeful, and the project lives up to its disappointing conclusion.  The more we remind ourselves that the chore is distasteful, the more it becomes exactly so.  However, without a lot of effort we can mindfully re-frame that challenge into an uplifting experience. 

 As a university lecturer, marking scripts is without a doubt the low point in the semester.  So many of my colleagues drag out the ordeal which only makes matter worse and the students more disheartened.  However, by designing the marking process with lots of breaks and mini-achievements, I was able to complete the grading quickly and fairly and with a personal sense of joy that it was over.  Each of us in our respective careers face these repetitive challenges, so see how you can re-frame and/or re-design yours so they feel more like blessings than chores.

 When you face an inevitable or daunting task, frame and approach it with enthusiasm and joy and the challenge will become a project of joy.  Mindfully practicing this positive head game absolutely works.

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COURAGE

The pandemic has brought to my attention how differently individuals have reacted to the risks associated with Covid.  At one end there are those that have taken the idea of social distancing to the extreme.  A sense of anxiousness envelops them.  Some others have an almost, ”What’s the problem?” perspective.  Indifference describes them. And somewhere in-between most of us sit. Our reactions display different levels of anxiety and fear. Or posed another way, how much courage you have.

It is worth noting that you cannot be courageous unless you are also afraid: courage is about how you handle being frightened. Courage is not allowing fear to rule your decisions.  Courage is about how you deal with uncertainty; do you run away or carefully consider the odds and alternatives and make an informed confident decision accordingly.

A world that does not require courage would be a world where nothing changes: a place of  total certainty, no surprises, no mystery or adventure. There is no correct reaction to the challenges, but life outcomes are materially influenced by your “courage choices.”

The brain does not fully develop the part that manages risk taking until your late teens.  One reason suggested is that being more fearless and courageous as a youngster gives us boundaries as to what works and what doesn’t.  Later, when we become parents, this helps us provide saver environments for our own children.  An important part of maturity is the lessons learned from your successful and unsuccessful life experiments and experiences of your youth.

How do you cope with fearful situations?   Do you default to being afraid, or push to expand your comfort zone and sense of adventure?  May I suggest being continuously more courageous is the way to go, but one step-at-a-time. Remember to learn from your successes and failures, don’t repeat your disappointments and adjust your risk-taking accordingly.

Note: Please get vaccinated: it is good for others (and yourself).

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WHEN PREPARATION MEETS OPPORTUNITY

Some people just seem to be so lucky or blessed.  Life just seems to go their way. Why so??  Why not me?

One views suggests that luck is passive, random and largely beyond one’s control. Good things might happen to me, but I do not cause them to happen.  Another view is that luck is less random and is often caused or encouraged by mindful intervention.

Steven Leacock has said, “I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more of it I have.” I think that being lucky in life largely occurs when preparation meets opportunity.

One can significantly increase one’s likelihood of good fortune in life by consciously maturing skills and attitudes that are useful in one’s line of work. Putting yourself at risk and exposing yourself to opportunity is also a major factor. So many people miss out on opportunities because they do not put themselves forward, often from the mistaken belief that they are not good enough.

 For your career or calling, start by learning your craft and developing your skills, observing closely the rules of the game in your profession and identifying influencers or key players in that area.  Start walking the walk and talking the talk. Be authentic and focused, but also be realistic. Unrealistic hopes are bound to disappoint; but realistic aspirations, deliberately planned, seem to yield “luckier” outcomes. This is the preparation part.

Next, start looking for those opportunities.  Put yourself at risk and expose yourself to situations where opportunities related to your calling or aspirations are present. Cause opportunity by going outside your comfort zone and try networking beyond your traditional circle of acquaintances. Invest some of your leisure time to researching in detail the more complex aspects of your goal.

An important ingredient of luck is to be in the right place at the right time, with the requisite skills.  Strategically do your preparation and imagine not only your next move, but your next several moves – having a plan doesn’t mean it will succeed, but it must be better than having no plan at all. It is no coincidence that those who work harder and smarter seem to be luckier. And once the ball starts rolling, luck seems to multiply and flow more easily.

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FAIL-FAST *(2)

Lifelong learning is good for our well-being.  Keeping the mind active and engaged can reduce some of the threats to our mental health in our later years.  The challenge is how to develop habits and skills that make learning pleasurable and effective.

The fail-fast, learn-fast process described last week is a learning strategy.  The essence of this approach is to quickly experiment with new knowledge and skills. We need to accept failure and mis-steps as part of the learning process. Failing often and early on leads to stronger and more frequent  positive outcomes later.  Tessa Koller noted thirteen interesting outcomes from adopting a  fail-fast strategy.* Some of these positive outcomes are noted here:

1.          You become more resilient.  You gain a thicker skin; and subsequent setbacks and disappointments don’t bother you as much.

2.         Your failures highlight what works.  Your knowledge of what succeeds sharpens and hones your skills and abilities.

3.         Failures suggest new alternatives as to what may eventually work.  Failing opens possibilities.

4.         Failures are not absolute or terminal.  Disappointments followed by later successes help you develop the habit of re-framing outcomes in positive and hopeful ways.

5.         By bouncing back from disappointment, you will inspire others.  Your resilience will encourage others to keep persevering.

6.         Unsuccessful outcomes strengthen your mindset.  The process of re-starting is an inevitable reality for everyone.  Training your spirits to see the bigger picture of hardship as a learning experience is essential to sustainable wellbeing.

7.         Failing fast can expand your risk taking appetite. A certain degree of risk taking opens you up to many new experiences and opportunities. 

8.         Failing is exciting and purposeful.  The immediate feedback from a mistake is invigorating:  It may hurt a bit, but it is real.  This makes the eventual victory that much more rewarding.

9.         Failing is fun. Once you recalibrate your reaction to disappointment and see it as a growth opportunity., failure becomes a cause for optimism and renewed purpose, and that is fun.

My life has been filled with thousands of small (and larger) mistakes, failures and setbacks, but greater by a factor of two or three are the number of joyful successes.  And that is what wellness may just be all about.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

*:  13 Reasons Why You Should Fail Fast to Learn Fast by Tessa Koller,  : www.lifehack.org/851912/fail-fast

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

FAIL-FAST*(1)

Is failure something one should avoid or actively pursue or cause? Is failure good for you?  Is delaying disappointment useful? Yes and No.  One should not actively set out to fail, but equally one should not seek to escape from or postpone defeat.  The trick is to make disappointments one’s ally.

An interesting tool that many successful learners may have accidently discovered is:

Fail-Fast, Learn-Fast

Failure and disappointment are powerful learning tools.  Being wrong sooner and often can be beneficial.   It is so discouraging as an educator to be in front of a class and see many students watching along and not engaging in the curriculum.  Pose a simpler problem to them and they passively watch and assume that somehow when the answer is shared, they will figure out the path to the solution.  Truth is, watching rarely works.  Other learners immediately attempted the challenge and often got the wrong solution.  However, the failure of active learners promotes faster learning.  In fact, being swiftly unsuccessful  is a very effective tool on the path to greater understanding, as it intrigues the learner as to where they went wrong. You are likely to recollect your failures and not repeat them.  Mistakes which lead to subsequent success boost our confidence.  Making errors is a true measure of constructive engagement. Watching the smiles as engaged students got better was a catalyst to encourage me to seek to be a better instructor.

We can apply  FAIL-FAST to our day-to-day experiences.  Begin by agreeing that privately failing is no big deal and that mistakes are learning opportunities.  Likely your success rate will be over 50% right away.  Accept sooner and more frequent errors are the price we pay to achieve more favourable results later. Why not start tinkering with regular tasks? Tweak the process of how you prepare your breakfast.  Look for immediate opportunities to experiment with improvement.  Trial-and-error is a powerful self-improvement strategy.

Nothing succeeds like success. Accept regular setbacks as one is trying diligently to improve.  Proper goals should be challenging but attainable.  Enjoy and encourage fast failure, as it proves you are trying. Practice failing sooner and more often, so that the pleasure and triumph of learning will accelerate accordingly. 

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

*:  A great link to learn more about Fail-Fast: www.lifehack.org/851912/fail-fast

CONFIDENCE

Having coached learners for several decades, one essential skill I especially focused on was confidence.  I suggested that without feeling and acting confidently in an exam (or real life) situation, the candidate was certain to do less well.  Confidence gives us the courage to believe we know what we are talking about, avoid second-guessing ourselves and proudly show what we know.  Turns out there is curious science to support my advice.

Susan Kruger* notes that when we receive information it travels up our spinal cord towards the neural networks of the brain.  The first part of the brain to get the information is our emotional centre, which considers whether the stimuli pose a threat to our safety.  If the brain perceives any danger, then it diverts energy from the rest of the brain to address the challenge.  And this of course is the fight-or-flight response we are all hardwired with.  The fast thinking reflex does not distinguish between physical or emotional risks, it just automatically kicks in.  Whereas this reflex can save our life, it also undermines our ability to learn.  This energy we are hoarding to address the hazard creates obstructions  and takes resources from fully engaging in the learning experience. Put into a learning context, being fearful or anxious while trying to learn significantly reduces our learning effectiveness as we are in resistance mode and not much is being absorbed.  To prevail over the fight-or-flight habit, confidence is the best defense.  Replacing fear with curiosity, intrigue or awe opens the brain to accept, process and understand new knowledge, and begin to learn.  Confidence is gentle as it disarms our brain. Confidence also reinforces the learning process.  As new knowledge is acquired, we begin to comfortably believe we know it and longer term understanding occurs.

Looking at confidence in our Covid-19 world can also be helpful.   Anxiety and fearfulness  seem to be everywhere and spreading rapidly.  Confidence and hopefulness is not a vaccine against the virus, but is it a useful remedy to otherwise being in state of perpetual fight-or-flight panic.  Confidence means stepping back, before trying to unscramble the catalogue of alarming news, then figuring out what really relates to us  and what we can pro-actively do to calm our spirits.  Confidence is about taking control of our situation, understanding the complex trade-offs that we must make in our weird Covid world.  Confidence boosts our spirit, a powerful  anti-dote to the prevailing mood.

Cultivate and mature your confidence, it will reward you in so many ways.

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

*: As described in "The Science of Self-Learning: How to Teach Yourself Anything” by Peter Hollins

THE ROCKING CHAIR TEST*

Occasionally, we must make difficult decisions or trade-offs.  Earlier, I suggested the “eulogy test,” where you consider how others will remember you based on what your choices were.  Another decision-making test along this line is the “rocking chair test”.  The difference is that, rather than asking how others will remember you, you challenge yourself to imagine how you will remember yourself and your choices. 

This decision-making test asks you to imagine you are in your senior years and in your favourite rocking chair.  You are looking back on your life and career, and the decisions you made.  From this perspective, look at your current choice and how you might remember and judge this decision years later.  As you reflect on this matter, do you imagine you would smile, frown, feel regret, or be thankful, based on your actions? The rocking chair test opens a conversation with yourself that asks:

Is this matter really that important or significant in the long run?  Why?

Will  I regret not doing this?

Am I being too risk adverse?  What is stopping me from doing this? Are my anxieties real or imagined?

What is the worst that could or would happen?

Will my choice make my own and others’ lives better?

Will this matter make my bucket list more complete?  Does it belong in my bucket list?

Will this opportunity come around a second time?

Will I share this experience with my family as something to remember me by or provide guidance for their life?

Will my choice likely go into the good or bad decision column?

The rocking chair test will likely encourage you to say YES more often, and NO occasionally, when your desire for short-term pleasure opposes your long-term joy and wellness.  Being in my early rock chair years, I do recommend making YES your default choice.

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

*: Nicky Gumbel, The Bible in One Year – a Commentary

SUFFERING OR RE-THINKING OUR LIMITATIONS

A reporter asked Greta Thunberg:  Do you suffer from Asperger’s Syndrome?

Greta’s answer:  “I would not say I suffer, but I have it”.

What a clever re-framing by this inspiring young environmental activist.*

I have had challenges, ranging from being dyslexic, left-handed, clumsy, and uncoordinated to having poor eyesight.  At first, I was not aware that anything was wrong at school, but then came  a long period of frustration and disappointment. A period of choice came in my early twenties: Was I going to SUFFER and feel like a VICTIM , or ACCEPT that I had these challenges and just get on with life?   

Deciding to accept my limitations was a wonderful relief, as each has its upsides and advantages.  For example, being dyslexic means that the learning process for me was more based around understanding ideas and the big picture, as I often have to read things many times and really think about what the writer is trying to say to understand something. This was a significant advantage when teaching in a university environment, as I have often had to think about something very carefully to try and understand it.  And then use this deliberate learning process and methodology for my lecture. My awkwardness has made me engineer many tasks to reduce the number of movements (and get used to falling or dropping things).  Laughing at myself and working with the novelty these limitations afforded has been a source of much success, joy and adventure. 

Using the erase test, where one removes an incident or circumstance in one’s life, you also remove ALL the subsequent consequences and knock-on effects of that matter.  Personally, I would not change or erase a thing and feel grateful for my limitations.  I am also very mindful, that were these matters removed, there would be new ones to replace them, so better the devil I know than the one I do not know!

EVERYONE has issues and challenges.  The decision we must make is: do we suffer from them, accept them, or better still, convert them into opportunities or blessings?

Currently we are all under some type of Covid constraint: are you going to suffer it, accept/tolerate it, or make the best of these weird times? A little bit of optimistic resilience won’t make Covid go away, but it will make our present moment that much better.

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*The film, I am Greta comes out this Autumn.  The trailer looks promising

COMPETE OR COMPLETE

I have taught business in a university environment for over thirty-five years.  Over these years I note that the favour and focus of  learners,  society  and faculty has changed.  Sadly, it seems business has become overly focused on profit, market share, WINNING and a blind faith that the marketplace should decide what is proper, moral or constructive.   In the early  ‘80’s, business and financial matters received far less media attention.  Not so today: financial concerns seem to justify too much of what society values and measures.   Is there a better way to be financially and socially successful?

John C. Maxwell* suggested a change in our financial mindset from competing to completing.  Maxwell describes the competing attitude as focusing on WIN-LOSE, excluding others, scarcity, selfishness and zero sum.  A completing attitude values WIN-WIN, including others, abundance, selflessness and growth.

Yes, the competing perspective has significantly improved our standard of living.  However, a phenomena called the ‘Easterlin paradox’ notes that over the past fifty years or more, per capital income adjusted for inflations has more than doubled, but measures of personal happiness in the West have remained constant at 30%, meaning that about 30% of the population continues to describe themselves as happy.** 

The most rewarding aspect of the completing mindset is that it brings joy, gratitude and serenity to us and others.  You may be a little less wealthy, but you feel so much healthier and more connected to others.

After all this improvement in our material wealth it seems like it is time to shift to a completing, cooperative and collaborative perspective.  Competition and our current capitalist model needs to become more inclusive.  The issues of climate change, inequity and intolerance are not topics that competing seems designed to resolve in a timely manner.

Consider replacing WIN-LOSE challenges to WIN-WIN opportunities, and we will all be better off. 

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

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*:  Leadershift by John C.Maxwell

**: Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth by Ed Diener, Robert Biswas-Diener

10,000 INFLUENCES

In ourselves, we can be both very influential and very influenced.  According to  sociologists, even the most isolated individual will influence 10,000 other people during his or her lifetime!*  We are in turn significantly influenced, on average, by at least 25 colleagues, 14 family members and 150 friends and associates over a lifetime.**  That is  a lot of influence going around!  Put another way, we are all rather influential and impressionable.

Being able to influence well over 10,000 others, to me, is an awesome opportunity to make a positive difference in the lives of others.  The example we set by what we do (and don’t do) impacts greatly on others.  In the smallest of ways, both privately and publicly, we should try to set a good example by living uplifting and constructive lives.  Younger folks are watching and noting accordingly.  What values do you find most central and essential to who you are?  Do you actively promote and reinforce these qualities within your circle of influence?  Would others know that these attributes are central to your identity?

Being significantly influenced by about 200 others seems reasonable to me.  I would suggest that about 20 people influenced most of who and what I became, without any one of them I would be a different person.  These 20 had faith in me, were excellent role models, were kind and patient, mentored and monitored me along the way and opened doors.  The next 180 keep me on my path, encouraged me and taught me the finer skills of life.  A limited few were examples of what not to do, especially useful in its own way.

I recently sent a sincere thank you to one of my key enablers, something I would truly recommend.

Being influenced by so many should make us mindful of the company and influencers we associate with or follow.  Role models matter.  On the influential side, perhaps there are some younger folk you could potentially mentor. 

Overall, consider the influences on your own life, and see if you can make these relationships more constructive and effective.

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

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*: Developing the Leader within you 2.0  by John C. Maxwell

**: https://blog.adioma.com/counting-the-people-you-impact-infographic/

C.V. OR EULOGY?

During our career, we develop a C.V  that summarizes our employment skills and achievements.  This proudly exaggerates (let’s be honest) what we have done.  When you read your résumé, don’t you smile at some of those milestones along the way; how those early successes now look so minor, but at the time they were huge?  They all helped to get you to where you are today.

While you were accumulating all that experience and expertise, you were also crafting your eulogy. What a different text that is!  Rather than describing what you did or can do, it summarizes how you are remembered.  Rather than being framed as a human doing, the eulogy sees you as a human being: what were your endearing qualities, virtues and quirks that made you the person you were.  Your morals and values are the central pieces of your eulogy, not your wealth, education, or titles.

Your C.V and eulogy need not be in conflict: there is a wonderful synergy between the two if you keep your eye on the long term.  As you build your career, regularly compare your achievements against an ethical/morale code and see how they measure up.  What do these feats suggest about your character, integrity, wisdom, and judgement?  Fortunately, your past will come to bless (or haunt) you.  Keeping your eulogy in the back of your mind is a powerful self-correcting device to keep you on a better path.  Small upstanding actions early in your career will make your skill development more significant and remarkable. 

Smarter hiring and promotion strategy look for integrity first: you can always train someone to become more skilful.  Training someone to be honourable or virtuous does not work very well or easily, because it must come from within and naturally.  I will always prefer a person of average skill but strong ethics over a brilliant person with suspicious ethics.

Independent of your résumé, it is important to pause and imagine how you will be remembered.  What difference did you really make?  Will you be remembered for your kindness and selflessness, or will it be just the toys and the titles you acquired? And be mindful that the more joyful and redeeming your eulogy, the more purposeful and successful your actual career likely was. 

          Physically distance (when required), but never socially distance.

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WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?*

The number of times that things have not gone to plan in my life must now be in the many thousands.  With each of these disappointments or unsuccessful outcomes, there were many possible reactions:  I could be angry, disappointed, blameful, frustrated, resigned, reflective or grateful.

Over the years, I have decided that the best perspective to take was to ask the question:

What have I learned?

‘That result was a real let-down’. ‘That person’s carelessness did affect me’.  ‘The way I was treated was very unfair’. It is easy to dwell on the negatives, but I think it is better to gear one’s thinking in a positive direction, as most other reactions get you nowhere and perhaps even in trouble.

How can you do this?  It starts by how you frame the situation. Admit it if you made a mistake and are largely at fault.  Laugh at yourself, as there likely was some humour in your predicament.  Don’t awfulize and generalize that the result is now the new normal.  Don’t take it too personally.  Don’t give rejection too much authority. Acknowledge that blaming others is self-defeating and usually not the full picture. An interesting anecdote is that if you criticize others less, you will experience less trauma when you let yourself down.

Disappointments are opportunities to re-visit the WHY and HOW behind the event. Try re-framing failures as an unexpected result which can be avoided in the future.  At least you were trying!  A life without regular setbacks and disappointments is boring and uneventful.  If you don’t make mistakes it suggests you are in a rather fixed and comfortable place, but you may be stagnating and failing to grow in maturity because you avoid risks.

Learning from your smaller mistakes can encourage you to make better decisions in the future.  I often set up small experiments to see how something works.  I imagine a result and see if it occurs and when it doesn’t, it is a wonderful “science” moment to set up another trial-and-error exercise and figure out the puzzle.

Remember that successful people may have succeeded far more often than the ordinary person, but they’ve also failed far more often too!  Thomas Edison is remembered for the experiments that succeeded, but we forget how many time his experiments failed before he got there.

Asking, “What have I learned?” often and sincerely, like gratitude, is a useful tool to aid our well-being.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:  Some of these ideas came from: Legendary Self-Discipline: Lessons from Mythology and Modern Heroes by Peter Hollins

YOUR FUTURE SELF

Everyone has a present and a future self. Your present self is how you see yourself in your own mind, today, as you are.  Your future self is the person you may imagine yourself to be in the future. Take a look at this future self:  How is this self the same or different from your present self?  Are you happier? Have you learned new skills? Are you kinder? A better partner? Are you healthier? Do you relate to this future self or are they so far removed from your present self that they are really a stranger? Is it a realistic prediction of who you could become, or is it more like a fantasy?

Hal Ersnere-Hershfield from UCLA has extensively researched how our present and future selves influence our long-term well-being.  Your future self significantly affects the trade-offs you make between your present and future circumstances.  He suggests that the less you actively contemplate the correlation between your present and future self, the greater the disconnect between the two will be, and the more your future self will be a fantasy figure.  Deferring gratification and strengthening your willpower are all about making your future self a better version of your present self.

Take for example, the issues of saving for retirement,  future education, fidelity, or healthier lifestyles.  The more you are mindful of the long term consequences of your immediate actions and how they could compromise or improve your future outcomes, the more these will be part of the trade-offs you make between the present moment and your future well-being.  Ersnere-Hershfield noted that those with strongly developed pictures of their future selves were better they at saving for retirement, managing  credit card debt, acting ethically and being purposely inclined.  He suggested that being dis-connected with one’s future self seemed to give one permission to ignore the consequences of one’s actions.*

Kelly McGonigal suggests three interesting ways to improve your awareness and accountability to your future self.  

1. Create a Future Memory. Imagining the future helps people delay gratification. You do not even need to think about the future rewards of delaying gratification – just thinking about the future seems to work.  When you picture the future, the brain begins to think more concretely and immediately about the consequences of your present choices. The more real and vivid the future feels, the more likely you are to decide in favour of things that your future self won’t regret.

2. Send an Email Message to Your Future Self.  Go to: www.FutureMe.org  and write an email that will be sent to you at a specified future date.  Describe to your future self what you are going to do now to help yourself meet your long-term goals. What are your hopes for your future self? What do you think you will be like? You can also imagine your future self looking back on your present self. What would your future self thank you for, if you were able to commit to it today? 

3. Imagine Your Future Self. Studies show that imagining your future self can increase your present self’s willpower. Can you imagine a hoped-for future self who is committed to the change, and reaping the benefits? Or a future self suffering the consequences of not changing? Let yourself daydream in vivid detail, imagining how you will feel, how you will look, and what pride, gratitude, or regret you will have for your past self’s choices. **

Your future self can be your best friend if you empower it to be your guiding light and inspiration for a wonderful future.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

*: Future self-continuity: How conceptions of the future self transform intertemporal choice, Hershfield, H.E. (2011).

**: Maximum Willpower: How to master the new science of self-control, Kelly McGonigal

OPTIMAL OPTIMIST

Albert Einstein noted:

I’d rather be an optimist and a fool than a pessimist and right.

I know I am also an extremely optimistic person.  The notion of having a Smaller Cup and being satisfied is helpful to me. It is a tool to aid me to view my life through a promising, hopeful lens.

Some people are perfectionists - things can always be better and they are forever striving for the ideal.  Others are optimalists - setting high standards and goals but letting go of ‘perfection’.   Do you only want the very best or are you satisfied with BETTER, and prepared to let go of BEST? 

An optimal optimist lets go of the perfect and is pleased to get a sunny day with a few clouds.  A perfection optimist would be fooled into believing this was not good enough.  A perfection pessimist would speculate when the heavy rains would start, tomorrow or next week, and rain on their own parade.

Occasionally my hopes are disappointed, but by not setting my goals too high I find that by and large things go okay or even well!  How often are the pessimist’s predictions realized?  I suspect their forecasts are generally too negative, and they spend much of the time realizing that their worries have come to nothing. In the meantime, they have spent their day absorbed in negative emotions.

At the end of the day, is it about looking foolish, or being in a state of well-being?  It very much depends on how you do your own spin doctoring of your present and future moments.  Look at Tal Ben-Shahar’s definitions of perfectionists and optimalists:

Perfectionists pay an extremely high emotional price for rejecting reality.  Their rejection of real-world limits and constraints leads them to set unreasonable and unattainable standards for success, and because they can rarely meet these standards, they are constantly plagued by feelings of frustration and inadequacy.

Optimalists, on the other hand, derive great emotional benefit, and are able to lead rich and fulfilling lives, by accepting reality. Because they accept failure as natural—even if naturally they do not enjoy failing—they experience less performance anxiety and derive more enjoyment from their activities. "*

Which would you rather be? Being an optimalist that sets limits on their optimism is the best of all worlds, occasionally a fool, but generally in a joyful state of nature.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: “Even Happier: A Gratitude Journal for Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment" by Tal Ben-Shahar

SELF-DISCIPLINE*

I cannot imagine a career that does not have annoying aspects, which we find disdainful.  For instance, the Rolling Stones love playing live, but they dislike touring about.  Even the most fortunate and wonderful job has its Achilles heel.  And it is those  negative aspects that can make or break you.

I can attest that in education I have never heard anyone suggest for even a moment that they enjoy marking, but it must be done. And how most of my colleagues delayed and dreaded the grading ordeal! However, I managed to get my marking done quickly and less painfully using self-discipline to make the task more bearable.  What I did for the marking process is transferable to whatever aspect of your job you must regularly do, and especially dislike and procrastinate over.

An essential first step is to plan and design the exam to avoid the mis-steps and reduce the annoying aspects of the subsequent marking.  I focused on maximum efficiency and effectiveness by carefully engineering the exam so subsequent marking was easier and quicker.  As it is wisely said, a  stitch in time saves nine.

Next comes setting goals to motivate and monitor my progress.  These goals MUST BE: small, easily measurable, sequential, frequently achieved and not overly ambitious.  These baby step goals are fundamental and ensure that I regularly experience the joy of successfully completing something. 

Further, as the goals can be measured, I can monitor my progress and that I am getting closer to completion.  I schedule celebrating my micro-completion progress with time outs and rewards. I might swap my focus to a part of the marking project that is essential but agrees with me more as a time out.  Being able to benchmark my progress is motivating and I notice that my endurance improves once I am nearer completion and I can sprint to the finish once it is in sight. Rather than fighting with and procrastinating over the marking project, I must trick my mind and willpower to cooperate and collaborate with each other.  

For me, self-discipline means I must regularly experience pleasure, a sense of achievement and then reward myself for a job well done. This discipline certainly made my overall job satisfaction much higher. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:  Whereas I used this process for years, it was consoling that the following book scientifically supported my process:  "Neuro-Discipline: Everyday Neuroscience for Self-Discipline, Focus, and Defeating Your Brain’s Impulsive and Distracted Nature" by Peter Hollins

EXPERIMENTING AND FAILING

There is a common view that “If it isn’t broke, don’t fix it”.  This is a safe and convenient strategy, but one that doesn’t work well for me.  How about this a corollary, “If it isn’t broken, break it.”  When I see something functioning properly it instinctively encourages me to wonder why and how this is so.  What curious quirk or feature is this application taking advantage of?  Why does this work so well, and where else could this idea be applied?

Thomas Edison noted, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” 

Albert Einstein similarly stated, “Make mistakes.  A person who never made a mistake never did anything new.” 

There is no shortage of famous people who talk about how experimenting with life was the key to their success.

Breaking things to see if they can be made better is all about experimenting and failure and learning.  Mixing a cocktail of HOW, WHY, FAILURE and WONDER into our daily routines is actively being in the present moment.  Examining the sequence of steps to do a task and challenging them in terms of whether each one is essential, could be re-ordered or re- arranged can lead to enlightenment.  If it does not work, you learned something and may have to break it differently. Curiously, as you carefully examine the task, not only can you improve its efficiency, but a sense of ownership can increase.

If you look at the lives of successful people or listen to their sage advice, almost without exception they talk about their failures, setbacks and disappointments.  But they keep on experimenting and learning from their mistakes.  They kept on setting challenging but attainable goals and expect failures along the way. Failing makes success sweeter.  Whether the experiment works or not, these are both occasions for awe if you allow for learning and growth.

Go and break, or at least tinker with, one of your rituals, and experiment with how you might make it new and different.

 Please be kind, patient and thoughtful to your partner and others.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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CHARACTER STRENGTHS

We all have skills and abilities, but equally we have personality strengths (and weaknesses). We have traits that are hard wired into who we are and affect how we behave unconsciously. These inclinations suggest how we are emotionally pre-disposed to experience the NOW.  Knowing what you are naturally inclined to do is most helpful in promoting well-being and positivity.

"Even more fulfilling than using a skill, though, is exercising a strength of character, a trait that is deeply embedded in who we are. A team of psychologists recently catalogued the 24 cross-cultural character strengths that most contribute to human flourishing. Examples of these strengths included honesty, kindness, hope prudence, etc.   They then developed a comprehensive survey that identifies an individual’s top five, or “signature,” strengths. When 577 volunteers were encouraged to pick one of their signature strengths and use it in a new way each day for a week, they became significantly happier and less depressed than control groups. And these benefits lasted: even after the experiment was over, their levels of happiness remained heightened a full six months later. Studies have shown that the more you use your signature strengths in daily life, the happier you become."

Normally, I am not inclined to suggest you take a personal survey, but I would recommend this one.  To learn what’s in your own top five character strengths follow the link:   www.viasurvey.org and take the free survey.  There will be no annoying follow-up notices and no obligation to pay.  I have taken the survey twice and have found it insightful, as some of my core strengths were re-prioritized as I became more interested in understanding well-being.  Equally informative were my character weaknesses. Being mindful of where I am wanting is helpful in my personal relationships. Knowing your strengths is also insightful in term of career goals, and finding links between your emotional inclinations and your employment prospects.

Key well-being (and career advice) I endorse is “Go with your strengths (and manage your weaknesses).”  Getting a little objective advice on your pluses and minuses is useful and the “survey” takes less than 10 minutes.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

*: "The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology that Fuel Success and Performance at Work" by Shawn Achor