The Power of Your Will

Have you noticed that some people have the determination of an ox (as the saying goes), and others give in to the smallest of temptations?   What distinguishes the one from the other is willpower.   Willpower is the power of your will and closely related to patience and deferred or delayed gratification.  Why are some so perseverant and others give in so easily? It doesn’t seem fair.

The psychologist and economist George Ainslie (specializing in drug addiction) visited the issue of willpower and wrote a fascinating book called “Breakdown of Will”.  He made the brilliant observation that willpower and self-control is the art of making the future appear much bigger and therefore more promising than the present or very near moment.  We all know about temptation and the dilemmas it creates in terms of indulging now or waiting; the trades-off between pleasure (short term) and wellness (longer term).

 Ainslie used an example to highlight the willpower struggle.  In the distance you see a very tall building (long term goal or reward, well-being) but as you approach the high-rise it is dwarfed by a two-story dwelling (short term reward or pleasure) such that the larger structure is obscured.  The willpower, temptation or addiction challenge is to focus on the taller building, even though for the moment it is not visible, and the immediate pay-off is right in front of you.  By being mindful of the larger but delayed reward one can confront temptation with resolve and the power of will.

Many of you may be familiar with the Stanford “marshmallow experiments” by Walter Mischel. In these studies, a child was offered a choice between one small reward immediately or two small rewards if they waited for a short period (approximately 15 minutes). In follow-up studies, the researchers found that children who were able to wait longer for the preferred rewards tended to have better life outcomes, as measured by achievenment scores, educational attainment, body mass index (BMI), and other life measures.  Young children with better will power, self-control, patience and deferred gratification skills were handsomely rewarded later in life.

The rewards of stronger willpower are immense; master the power of your will and pass the skill along to the next generation. 

FLOURISH

An interesting shift in terminology around the science of happiness and well-being is occurring.  A growing number of positive psychologists have shifted their view and discussion of well-being to a larger perspective.  Rather than talking about happiness, they now describe their goal as to understand the experience of flourishing.

Changing your paradigm to flourishing from happiness is empowering.  Being happy may sounds to some like you are just smiley faced, a gleeful but not especially purposeful or grounded person. They may view you as being too obsessed with the NOW (which isn’t correct or complete, but does have some merit).  The idea of flourishing has a more expansive remit, as it implies growth and an interest in tomorrow.

This change in positive psychology terminology is more than clever marketing.  It embraces an enlarged view of what a more joyful life might entail as described below (1):

Authentic Happiness Theory: Focus: Happiness

Goal: Increase one’s life satisfaction primarily by increasing Positive emotions, Engagement, and Positive Relationships

Well-Being Theory:  Focus:  Well-being

Goal:  Increase one’s flourishing by increasing Positive emotions, Engagement, Meaning, Positive Relationships, and Accomplishment (or PERMA) 

So what? you reasonably ask.  At the very least, if one changes the way one describes their well-being goal from happiness to flourishing others may not dismiss you as readily, and may listen to you less judgementally.  Secondly, and very importantly, the inclusion of accomplishments (achievement) and meaning (purpose) into your repertoire of well-being tools does materially expand ways you might improve your quality of life.

Personally, I find it much easier and helpful to challenge myself to flourish than to be happy.  Acknowledging creating purpose and valuing accomplishment as concrete aspects of my well-being causes me to reflect on what I can DO proactively and privately to improve my quality of life.  By adding engagement I acknowledge the intense satisfaction I can get when I am engaged or busy in something deeply satisfying.

By giving attention to what really matters to you (meaning), developing the skills to do it well (engagement), and seeking to excel, you should become a flourishing (and happy) camper!

Start thinking about and acting out your FLOURISH agenda.

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(1):  Martin Seligman, Flourish, (Nicholas Brealey Publishing, 2011)

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU DID SOMETHING FOR THE FIRST TIME?

Our lives can easily become like a broken record that repeats the same line or verse.  The predictable rituals and routines that make up our days can improve the certainty and efficiency of our efforts, and give a much needed structure to our lives, but this can make get a little boring and repetitive day in, day out.

 Maybe it is time to stir things up a bit.  Really, when was the last time you did something for the first time?  Carefully consider the truth and intrigue this question suggests.  Have you become so patterned and regular that you have forgotten to take measured risks or invite change into your life, to boost the excitement and newness of the present moment?  A little change and randomness might just be what you need to revitalize your life.

Experimenting with even the smallest change, like your journey to work or what you have for breakfast is a good start. The nice thing about such minor adjustments is that it opens you up to being bolder and more engaged in your present moment.  Hopefully you will progress to a state where increased awareness of the NOW becomes more immediate and frequent.  Consciously seeking opportunities to do things for the first time makes you more aware of the wonderful things going on around and about you.  Being too routine in your habits means you often miss the awesome opportunities all around you.

 Making small, incremental improvements that change your life to the better is another way of addressing the doing something for the first time challenge. Particularly adding new acts of kindness, gratitude and/or compassion: these will increase your overall wellness and add variety to your day.

 As the present moment is always new and changing, seize a few of these moments and make them yours, refreshing and unique.

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PERFECTIONIST OR OPTIMALIST

Letting go is about knowing when good enough is good enough.  Are things likely to get a lot better or is this as good as it reasonably gets? 

 Some people are perfectionists - things can always be better and they are forever striving for the ideal and the perfect.  Others are optimalists - setting high standards and goals, but actively considering the trade-offs, costs and benefits of the perfect, relative to the attainable and possible.   Do you only want the very best?  Or are you satisfied with BETTER, and prepared to let go of BEST? 

A fairly blunt but effective way to classify people is to identify them as either perfectionist or optimalist.

"Perfectionists pay an extremely high emotional price for rejecting reality. Their rejection of failure leads to anxiety, because the possibility that they may fail is always there. Their rejection of painful emotions often leads to an intensification of the very emotion they are trying to suppress, ultimately leading to even more pain. Their rejection of real-world limits and constraints leads them to set unreasonable and unattainable standards for success, and because they can never meet these standards, they are constantly plagued by feelings of frustration and inadequacy.

Optimalists, on the other hand, derive great emotional benefit, and are able to lead rich and fulfilling lives, by accepting reality. Because they accept failure as natural—even if naturally they do not enjoy failing—they experience less performance anxiety and derive more enjoyment from their activities. Because they accept painful emotions as an inevitable part of being alive, they do not exacerbate them by trying to suppress them. They experience them, learn from them, and move on. Because they accept real-world limits and constraints, they set goals that they can actually attain and are thus able to experience, appreciate, and enjoy success."*

When people request that you cut them some slack, give them some space or the like, they are really saying that they are optimalists.  Yes, your perfection is wonderful but it doesn’t speaks to them.  Show the optimalist where improvements are possible but then move on.  If you are a perfectionist, lighten up.  It will likely be good for your stress and overall wellness.

*: “Even Happier: A Gratitude Journal for Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment" by Tal Ben-Shahar

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WHY NOT DEFAULT TO YES and JOY?

If you were to look at the evolution of humans, it is only a very recent phenomena that humans live in a relatively safe and secure environment.  Real risk of injury, illness or death from violence, disease or hardship was everywhere.  It made sense for humans to be cautious, conservative, and ever mindful of what was just around the corner. 100 or 1,000 years ago being an optimist was unwise as there were risks and perils everywhere. Until the early 1900’s life expectancy was in the low 30’s, whereas now in the west it is nearer to 80 years (and in many countries over 80).

Given that premature death and the consequences of illness and injury have been so much delayed or reduced, why do we continue to maintain a defensive, anxious and negative mindset?  The dangers of today are so limited compared to earlier times, but our reflective habits have not been updated.  Being highly pessimistic no longer has the same rewards that it promised in the past as the underlying problems and situations have been resolved or eliminated

A major theme running through many reflections is that it is time to change your default wiring from fight or flight to well-being, joy and optimism. Being less cautious and more positive and optimistic does not mean being reckless or stupid, rather it allows for more joy, wellness and plenty.

Next time you have a choice about how to frame your present moment, allow for the possibility that everything many turn out to be rather wonderful or okay.  Like a computer, re-set your default reflex and reaction to YES and joy rather than NO and fight or flight.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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For further reading you may find the following book inspiring (I certainly did):

Solve For Happy: Engineer Your Path to Joy, Mo Gawdat, bluebird books for life, 2017 

40% of What Determines Happiness is Up to You – Possible Thinking

For me, this is one of the most amazing and empowering findings from positive psychology. Your intentional (self-determined) thoughts and perspectives are said to determine about 40% of your experience of happiness.  You have around 40% control over how an event is perceived and emotionally experienced.  You have significant choice over how you react to the weather, the view out of your window or anything else in your present moment.  How you frame or reframe the present moment is significant.  Do you just react to events unconsciously or do you deliberately set out to apply a certain mindset?

If around 40% of what determines your well-being is up to your intentional thoughts and activities, what about the rest?  50% is largely set by your genetically determined set points (your genes, which cannot be changed).  The last 10% is your unique life circumstances (rich or poor, healthy or unhealthy, beautiful or plain, live in amazing or poor housing, etc.).

So what does this 40% suggest?  You experience an event or action, but how you process and internally experience that situation is flexible.  You cannot change the weather, traffic conditions or world events but you do have a choice as to how you react to these circumstances.  Your job, relationships, health, wealth, home and education are largely fixed in the short run, but how you feel about these matters is 40% is up to you.  These circumstances can be framed negatively or that same moment can be painted as having glimmers of wonder, joy, empowerment, opportunity, excitement, optimism; you decide.

This 40% possibility does not negate that one’s present moment may have difficult, sad or unjust elements, but to ruminate and exclusively stay focused on the negative aspects can have troubling consequences.  There is much truth to the saying:

“Every cloud has a silver lining”

You just have to look for that sliver of hope, to be open to a small possibility of a positive outcome.  Call this possible thinking rather than positive thinking, finding at least one hopeful aspect of your present moment.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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For further reading, if you are interested:

Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change, Sonja Lyubomirsky, Kennon M. Sheldon, David Schkade, Review of General Psychology 9(2):111-131 · June 2005

PEAK – END RULE

Imagine you had a choice of either:

-         Experiencing a rather unpleasant experience for five minutes, with the worst moments about three minutes into the process,  or

-         Experiencing the same unpleasant five minute ordeal, but with another two minutes added of a slightly less unpleasant but tolerable experience (seven minutes in all).

 Or consider this choice:

-         A one week vacation at an over-the-top exclusive destination with all the amenities, indulgences, experiences you fancy, or

-         A two week vacation, for the same cost in a nearby destination, which is pretty amazing but not over the top.

 Nobel economist Daniel Kahneman* researched these types of options and noted generally that, using the above choices, the longer unpleasant experience and the shorter vacation were the preferred options.  He summarized this research and coined the term PEAK-END RULE. What we REMEMBER is the most intense or peak moment (whether pleasant or unpleasant) and the last moment.  We don’t necessarily forget the other details; we just tend to describe the encounter by the most intense and last events and overlook much of the other occurrences. If I think back on certain episodes in my life, then it was the best or worst moments and how it finished that I remember and retell.

 This is a rather powerful insight and has influenced my travel style.  I now pay much more attention to the last day of my travel and how I get back home.  I more willingly splurge on doing those things that are unique but can be pricey. I don’t try to stay away longer but now focus on staying away better.

 Managing experiences and CAUSING AND CREATING MEMORIES is an amazing opportunity for a well lived and remembered life.  What you remember can have a powerful positive effect on your well-being.

 Going forward, plan your peak and end experiences deliberately and manage carefully how you finish.  Make it a goal to finish well.  Create wonderful final recollections and reduce disagreeable endings where possible - that is a manageable undertaking, and well worth seizing.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: Fredrickson, Barbara L.; Kahneman, Daniel (1993). "Duration neglect in retrospective evaluations of affective episodes". Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 65 (1): 45–55.

The If and When Myth

“I will be happy IF” … “I will be happy WHEN” doesn’t work or happen.  You get the desired outcome, have elevated spirits for a few weeks, months or at best a few years and then you are right back to where you were earlier. 

This natural occurrence of returning to your natural set point of wellness is called the hedonistic treadmill or hedonistic adaption.  We are like the hamster on the treadmill running quickly but getting nowhere, stuck. Changes in circumstance have a short term pay-off and then this new situation becomes the new normal.  The adaption makes you inclined to aspire for new achievements which then undermines the joy of the current achievement.  And then comparison sets in, and we see others with more or better or newer rewards and we are back to square one.

For me, appreciating and observing this adaption process countless times tamed the shopper in me and changed me.  Now I savour a few very special and thoughtful gifts, experiences or purchases and regularly just pause to be so grateful for those blessings. A multi-function travel watch, blue tooth headphones that meet my unique needs, Bolivia, colourful sandals that can go anywhere; these are special things that ring my well-being bell.

Experiment with your IF and WHEN expectations for well-being.  How long did your joy persist? Have you already replaced that desire with a new or more lavish wish?  If that IF or WHEN had not happened, would you really be any less pleased?

Letting go of IF and WHEN is most liberating as it puts one into the present moment where there is no IF or WHEN, only now.  Not wanting or waiting for something to happen to be achieved or owned means you have enough, and perhaps even a surplus.  Practice savouring things with serenity, re-thanking others for their awesome gifts, or remembering/sharing those powerful memories and milestones but again.  Sure, it is fine to want an IF or WHEN once in the while, but not always or to the determinant of what you already are blessed with.  Wonderfully, gratitude will improve your spirits and defeat the treadmill. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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For further reading, if you are interested just Google “Hedonistic treadmill”; there is no shortage of insightful sources for further insights here.

PURPOSEFUL

Mindfulness is an essential ingredient for improved wellbeing. Being in the present moment, in the NOW, matters for sure. However, can we make that present moment even better? I would suggest that mindfulness can regularly be enhanced by adding a purposeful intention to it.

 Did you know that about 40% of what determines your happiness is up to you?* Your intentional, self-determined thoughts and perspectives are said to determine about 40%** of your experience of happiness.  You have around 40% control over how an event is perceived and emotionally experienced.  You have significant choice over how you react to the weather, the view out of your window or anything else in your present moment.  How you frame or reframe the present moment is significant.  Do you just react to events unconsciously, or do you deliberately set out to apply a certain mindset?

To tie these finding to mindfulness one needs to add a purposeful and focused intention to your present moment. Then,  subtly, one’s mindset can be improved.  While you are in your present moment you  can, with patience and practice, make it better by purposefully adding a positive mindset that speaks to you at that moment.

 This doesn’t mean that every moment you must be deliberately alert and attentive (which would be nice, but rather unrealistic).  Rather,  when a positive event comes your way, seize that instant.  Start looking for and causing wonderful NOW’s.  Choose to view events through a positive lens wherever possible.

 This 40% possibility does not negate that one’s present moment may have difficult, sad or unjust elements.  However, to ruminate and exclusively stay focused on the negative aspects can have troubling consequences.  There is much truth to the saying:

“Every cloud has a silver lining.”

You just have to look for that sliver of hope, to be open to a small possibility of a positive outcome.  Call this possible (or purposeful) thinking rather than positive thinking, finding at least one hopeful aspect of that present moment. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change, Sonja Lyubomirsky, Kennon M. Sheldon, David Schkade, Review of General Psychology 9(2):111-131 · June 2005

**:  Just to close the loop, a first 50% of your happiness potential is determined by your genes (rather fixed or set points) and the last 10% comes from your personal circumstances (health, wealth, the life you live, etc)

AMUSEMENT

Amusement is one of the ten recognized positive emotions* (along with: Gratitude, Hope, Joy, Love, Pride, Serenity, Awe, Inspiration and Interest ). I often seem to overlook or forget this wellness experience.  Amusement in this context is defined as:  

Something non-threatening, non-serious , that unexpectantly happens that makes you laugh.  A joyful surprise.*

Has the world become too sophisticated and sanitized, forgetting to embrace such an innocent and almost naïve feeling?  In a cynical age, it isn’t very cool to be amused by small things: being dark, moody and rather above such things gets you far more kudos in this world. Perhaps our expectations and standards about what will surprise us or make us laugh have become too high and demanding.  What happened to just being curious, light-hearted, and alive in the present moment? 

 Amusement is an important emotion as it connects us to others: it is contagious. The non-threatening, non-serious, unexpectant nature of amusement creates a safe, welcoming space for improved social engagement.

 Amusement also entails a willingness to be joyfully surprised.  It requires us to drop our judgemental, defensive guard.  Just maybe things are going well, and we don’t want to admit it. Embracing awe and wonder in a proactive manner empowers the other nine positive emotions to come into their own.  

 Unfortunately, our surprise potential may have become jaded.  The daily news cycle where mis-fortune and mis-justice is “praised” and normalized has dulled our senses to beautiful things and experiences.  Amusement and surprise are admittedly uninteresting and not newsworthy, but enormously real and personal. Amusement, like awe and serenity, requires humility and a willingness to accept and embrace our smallness and insignificance.  And that is one of the most essential steps to mindful wellness.

There are so many opportunities to be mindfully amused and joyfully surprised, all within easy reach, if you are willing to risk being in the awesome present moment.

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*: Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson

CHORE OR BLESSING?

Recently I faced a rather challenging situation. I had to personally move 2 tons (1,800 K) of gravel from the top of my driveway to its final resting place about 100 m at the bottom of my garden.   The gravel had to be carried in a bucket as a wheelbarrow was not an option.  I faced a choice: was this undertaking going to become a miserable chore or a wonderful blessing?

 To me the answer was obvious, as these materials were not going to move themselves.  TOTAL BLESSING!!  Having decided I was fortunate, I needed to convince myself I was indeed lucky.  I had to adjust my mindset to make the feat seem inviting, promising and worthwhile. Being enthusiastic was possible: I just had to do mind games to convince myself real progress was happening. Over two days, the gravel made its journey to the pathway far below. Then, I had to stand back and savour the improvement, feeling great satisfaction at what I had accomplished.

 My point is that often we face distasteful but unavoidable assignments.  Given the tasks inevitable nature, we must decide whether it is an unpleasant chore or a blessing.  Unfortunately, our default setting seems to be less hopeful, and the project lives up to its disappointing conclusion.  The more we remind ourselves that the chore is distasteful, the more it becomes exactly so.  However, without a lot of effort we can mindfully re-frame that challenge into an uplifting experience. 

 As a university lecturer, marking scripts is without a doubt the low point in the semester.  So many of my colleagues drag out the ordeal which only makes matter worse and the students more disheartened.  However, by designing the marking process with lots of breaks and mini-achievements, I was able to complete the grading quickly and fairly and with a personal sense of joy that it was over.  Each of us in our respective careers face these repetitive challenges, so see how you can re-frame and/or re-design yours so they feel more like blessings than chores.

 When you face an inevitable or daunting task, frame and approach it with enthusiasm and joy and the challenge will become a project of joy.  Mindfully practicing this positive head game absolutely works.

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EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY

 John Lennon noted:

‘Everything will be okay in the end … 

If it’s not okay, then it is not the end.’"

This short observation of life certainly has been proven correct so many times in my life.  Looking back at my many missteps and errors, I note that but for a very few occasions, things ended on satisfactory or pleasing notes; they did indeed end up being okay. We all make mistakes, but somehow things seem to work out, eventually. 

To start the process of recovery, it was essential that I privately and profoundly acknowledged my mistakes, accepting responsibility for my actions and the consequences: no blame shifting or looking for scape goats.  Feeling a victim only prolongs the healing process.  Next, there must be a lesson to be learned: to make mistakes is human, to repeat the mistake is total foolishness.  Where apologies or requests for forgiveness are required, we need to get on with it.  Where there were others involved that may have contributed to the situation, unconditional forgiving of them may also be required. 

Now the harder part; waiting and patience.  Reasonably, when I erred, it is fair game that some time is required to absorb, learn from and get over the event.  Nothing instant or overnight.  Months may pass but the “not being okay” state did pass eventually.  What was curious was when the dust finally settled, the new “okay” was frequently very different then I had imagined and sometimes better than before the process started.

Finally, let’s check if matters are actually OKAY.  Looking at my past transgressions I apply the erase test.  What is this?  Imagine that personal error had never occurred and 100% of ALL related knock-on effects were forever erased and had also never occurred.  Speculate as to whether you would be where you are today, in your current reality.  More likely than  not, much of your current circumstances would be otherwise. If you are okay with where you are now, then indeed it is the end of that episode and it did end well.

Work with the healing process: matters will be okay or better, eventually.

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PAUSING, RELISHING, SAVOURING AND LEARNING*

For as long back as I can remember, I have had this habit of privately re-playing my small successes or joyful experiences.  I pause, count my blessings and let that moment really sink in.  What I only recently discovered was that this relishing process was doing something constructive for my overall well-being. *

What I was building were neurological connections in my brain that were changing the way I experienced, processed, perceived and remembered my circumstances.  As the activating event was pleasurable, I was building a reflex process that almost automatically triggered positive emotions when similar situations presented themselves again.  I was unconsciously using Hebb’s theory, summarized as:

“(Brain) Cells that fire together, wire together”.

As I got older, I learned how to make this positive wellness process work more effectively.  When it is suggested that I “smell the coffee” and be in the moment, that is what I did.  The key improvement is that I had a step-by-step plan in place as to how to make that “coffee” moment more easily replicated. I mindfully pause in that experience, savour it, acknowledge that I am feeling joyful and then isolate what is especially special and unique about that moment.  I reward myself for being in that fortunate moment by learning from it, joining it to previous similar times and generalizing about how to replay that positive scenario again when similar situations are present.  As I build my inventory of wellness moments and triggers, the process starts to run on its own.

Working backwards, when negative or challenging events occur, you can use this process to make them less influential to your overall wellness.  The key is not to harbour less pleasant moments and avoid creating reflexes systems that accommodate and reinforce them. Restated, don’t build negative neuron pathways in your brain that intensify and default to regret and sad ruminations when triggered by challenging events.  

Being in the now is awesome and when that NOW moment is wonderful then so much the better.  Mindfully pause, relish and savour that experience. Watch and enjoy the wiring, re-wiring and programming of your brain and learn how to make your neurons enhance your well being.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*: Rick Hanson in his book, "Resilient: 12 Tools for transforming everyday experiences into lasting happiness" uses what he calls the HEAL process to implement what I am describing.

ENJOY JOY

Joy is one of the most essential positive emotions.  Often it is used interchangeably with happy, but joy is a deeper and more profound state of nature than being happy.  Joy is defined as  a feeling bright and light.  Colours seem more vivid.  There’s a spring in your step.  You feel playful.*

Isn’t  joy wonderful?!  Yes, but do we actually pause and allow ourselves to enjoy and experience it enough?  Or do we just go on to the next item on our agenda without a moment to savour it?

Most of the joy I experience daily is in small doses of pleasure and wonderful surprises.  When I have a short burst of joy, I like to reflect on how fortunate I am for that minor good fortune.  This mindfulness automatically makes me pause and count that blessing.  And that awareness opens me to more instances in the day where things go my way.  My threshold for joy is rather small, like when I get a green light or a glimpse of a well-cared for garden, so I savour it.  The more I am prepared to find joy in daily and often trivial activities, the more happiness and wellness I encounter.   I find that the trick is to allow for joy, being watchful for joyful moments.  The more mini-joys you savour, the more you open yourself to larger moments of joyfulness. Being joyful is intentional: it involves  looking for glimmers of promise or surprise.  The savouring aspect of joy is the biggest reward. 

Being joyful is also non-judgemental or comparative.  Judging or measuring our joy against some standard or expectation is counter-productive and diminishes our pleasure. It can rob you of joy altogether, leaving you forever unsatisfied with your lot.  As the Smaller Cup idea suggests, the relatively fuller our cup of life is, the more joy we will experience, as we are more easily satisfied.  Letting go of judgement and comparison materially enhances our joy.

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: Positivity by Barbara Frederickson

YOUR EXPLANATORY STYLE

Imagine the scene: something noteworthy happens to you, evoking an emotional reaction, and later that day you describe the event to a friend.  The way you explain this event goes a long way to summarizing your state of well-being, and how you view your circumstances in terms of being an optimist or pessimist.

One way of looking at optimism and pessimism is as different explanatory styles. An explanatory style means the way we explain our experiences or the events which happen to us. Research has found that optimists and pessimists have different explanatory styles. Optimists attribute the cause of NEGATIVE events and experiences to external, specific,  and transient factors.  Pessimists do the opposite; they attribute the cause of bad events to internal, global and permanent factors. Interestingly, these positions are reversed when we explain POSITIVE events and experiences. Optimists think about good outcomes as being personal, permanent, and pervasive, whereas pessimists think the opposite (external, specific, and transient).*

But is this the end of the story for a pessimist? No!

Intentionally, you can challenge your pessimistic summary of events and experiences by changing one’s explanatory style.  One highly effective way of becoming more optimistic is to monitor your explanatory style and challenge the negative explanations you make. Psychologists call this disputing.  

It may sound pompous or naïve that when something wonderful occurs you take credit for it and presume it to be the new normal.  Or when things go poorly, to assume that is it not your fault and an exception.  But would you rather assume it is your fault, pervasive and permanent? That is usually not the whole picture and anymore truthful either. 

Dare to be intentionally hopeful, modestly proud, and grateful for your blessings.  Let go of ruminating about life’s missteps and taking them personally, assuming they will persist.  Being an optimist won’t necessarily change your life, but it will significantly improve how you experience your life. And isn’t that one of the goals of improved well-being.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

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*: A Practical Guide to Positive Psychology: Achieve Lasting Happiness, Bridget Grenville-Cleave

BEYOND EMOTIONAL WELLNESS

I tend to write a lot about positive emotions, but there is more to well-being than this.  The godfather of positive psychology (Martin Seligman) coined the acronym PERMA to describe wellbeing.  The five parts of the wellness riddle are: Positive emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Achievement. 

Indeed, feeling wonderful is great.  Fortunately, there is more to being well and flourishing than a smile.  These other dimensions are described as:

Engagement:  An experience in which we fully deploy our skills, strengths, and attention in a challenging task.  When fully engaged we are “in the flow” and we forget time and everything around us.

Relationships: Connections to others that brings purpose and meaning to our life.

Meaning: a sense of purpose derived from belonging to and serving something bigger than ourselves.

Accomplishment: Pursuing achievement, competence, success and mastery for its own sake, in a variety of domains, including workplace, sports, games, hobbies, etc. **

The reason I mention the larger domain of PERMA is to encourage you to look beyond your emotions and seek out opportunities to flourish Are there areas in your life where some of these other aspects could be enhanced?  For me, much of my wellness comes from my work.  Through it I have found ways to combine engagement, relationships, meaning and achievement.  What a transformation that was!! 

Is there an aspect of your life that you can re-package and re-design into something that gives you more purpose and raison d’etre?  Once this Covid-19 lockdown lightens up, is there a chance to change how you approach your work, relationships, or hobbies? Once you can go out more, how can you round out your PERMA?  I suggest starting with engagement as that gets the process rolling, and it involves your interests and talents.  Use this “slower period” to ask some challenging questions about what you might like to change either now, or soon.

Please be mindfully kind, thoughtful and patient with yourself and others. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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**: "Flourish: A New Understanding of Happiness and Wellbeing: The practical guide to using positive psychology to make you happier and healthier" by Martin Seligman 

CHARACTER STRENGTHS

We all have skills and abilities, but equally we have personality strengths (and weaknesses). We have traits that are hard wired into who we are and affect how we behave unconsciously. These inclinations suggest how we are emotionally pre-disposed to experience the NOW.  Knowing what you are naturally inclined to do is most helpful in promoting well-being and positivity.

"Even more fulfilling than using a skill, though, is exercising a strength of character, a trait that is deeply embedded in who we are. A team of psychologists recently catalogued the 24 cross-cultural character strengths that most contribute to human flourishing. Examples of these strengths included honesty, kindness, hope prudence, etc.   They then developed a comprehensive survey that identifies an individual’s top five, or “signature,” strengths. When 577 volunteers were encouraged to pick one of their signature strengths and use it in a new way each day for a week, they became significantly happier and less depressed than control groups. And these benefits lasted: even after the experiment was over, their levels of happiness remained heightened a full six months later. Studies have shown that the more you use your signature strengths in daily life, the happier you become."

Normally, I am not inclined to suggest you take a personal survey, but I would recommend this one.  To learn what’s in your own top five character strengths follow the link:   www.viasurvey.org and take the free survey.  There will be no annoying follow-up notices and no obligation to pay.  I have taken the survey twice and have found it insightful, as some of my core strengths were re-prioritized as I became more interested in understanding well-being.  Equally informative were my character weaknesses. Being mindful of where I am wanting is helpful in my personal relationships. Knowing your strengths is also insightful in term of career goals, and finding links between your emotional inclinations and your employment prospects.

Key well-being (and career advice) I endorse is “Go with your strengths (and manage your weaknesses).”  Getting a little objective advice on your pluses and minuses is useful and the “survey” takes less than 10 minutes.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

*: "The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology that Fuel Success and Performance at Work" by Shawn Achor

EXPERIENCING POSITIVE EMOTIONS

Positive psychology research suggests there are ten positive emotions which capture or describe being in a state of well-being or happiness.  These ten emotions are: joy, gratitude, hope, love, pride, serenity, amusement, interest, awe and inspiration.* Indeed, being in situations where these feeling are ripe is wonderful, but there can often be something missing.

Yes, you are full of joy, gratitude, love, hope, but is that it? For me, too often I overlook letting these positive emotions becomes positive experiences.  Being in the moment does not necessarily mean you are mindful of the wonder of that moment.  That extra alertness of pausing to let the subtle glory of that moment resonate within you is the blessing mindfulness can bring.

With a little non-effort any positive emotion can be enhanced.  I call it non-effort for a reason. Non-effort means with full awareness appreciating the awesomeness of being there NOW and giving up the effort of our otherwise naturally tendencies to analyze that moment:  stop judging, evaluating, or ranking the experience. 

Make it a habit or ritual to regularly take an inventory of your immediate situation and see how many of these ten positive emotions are present and active NOW.  See if you can frame that NOW moment with these colourful feelings.  With some concentration try to add a few of these emotions that were not at first obvious and then let the glow of these feeling be fully experienced. 

Mindfully experiencing the NOW is taking that NOW to the next level.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:  You might want to look at the Reflection of February 26th, 2019 for an expanded description of these ten positive emotions.

*: Source:  Positivity by Barbara Frederickson

THE OVER-CHOICE DILEMMA

There are so many choices available to me in the shops these days - it has cured any shopping urges I might have!  The bewildering options exceed my retail skills, and I quickly feel out of my league.  At what point is there too much selection? 

Consider Baskin Robbins and their 31 flavours of ice cream. The more selection, the more I just chose chocolate.  But right after that I start to regret my decision and wonder if mint chocolate might be better, or whatever my friend ordered.  I much prefer less than ten possibilities and shy away from too much variety.  Ever noticed in high end brand outlets how limited the range of goods is?  Similarly, many retailers and restaurants are restricting their product range or menu choices.

“Two psychology researchers (Schwartz and Ward) suggest the following strategy to manage the over-choice dilemma and the cognitive dissonance (buyer’s remorse) you often feel after doing some retail therapy. 

Their suggestions are:

Ø  You can learn to be satisfied, and accept ‘good enough’ (e.g. not worry about getting the best trainers, teachers, extra activities for kids, but worry about being there for them).

Ø  You can lower your expectations. The reality of any experience can suffer from comparisons. Unfulfilled but unreasonably high expectations are the yellow brick road to depression.

Ø  You can avoid social comparisons and set our own standards.

Ø  You can regret less and be grateful for what is good in life.

Ø  You can practice meta-choice and learn when choosing is worth it. This way we will only be a maximizer when it comes to something that really matters.

Ø  You can try to stick to your choices and not change your mind. This is another way to reduce anxiety.

Ø  You can learn to love constraints. Perhaps some constraints (imposed by relationships, having kids and having a regular job) are a blessing, because they reduce our sets of possible choices. If we create and follow a rule for something, we don’t need to make decisions.

Ø  You can remember that choice only increases freedom up to a certain point, beyond which it actually restricts our freedom."*

Try uncluttering your over-choice dilemma: less choice and more gratitude is a better option.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:  Schwartz, B., & Ward, A. (2004). Doing Better but Feeling Worse: The Paradox of Choice. In P. A. Linley & S. Joseph (Eds.), Positive psychology in practice (pp. 86-104). Hoboken, NJ, US: John Wiley & Sons Inc.

THE PLEASURE – PURPOSE TRADE-OFF

The positive psychologist/economist Dr. Paul Dolan developed his Pleasure-Purpose well-being model.  Dr. Dolan was interested in how an individual allocates their effort and attention between the shorter and longer effects of an experience.  Was it extensively about the feelings in the present moment (pleasure – pain) or viewed through a longer term lens (purpose – pointless)?

Using an example of either watching TV (higher on pleasure and lower on purpose) or work (lower on pleasure, higher on purpose), how did people actually allocate their time?  As an economist, he was curious as to whether one’s use of time was efficient, and whether well-being could be improved by using one’s time differently.  He concluded by saying:

“Having said all of this, it is possible for me to make a general claim: if you have a lot more pleasure in your life than purpose, then you should spend a bit more time doing something that is purposeful. And equally, if you have a lot more purpose than you have pleasure, then you should spend more time engaging in pleasure. This claim is based on the law of diminishing marginal returns (in our case, to happiness), a concept that is very close to any economist’s heart.”

He continues and notes:

“Many of the assumptions we make about happiness and about ourselves have a lot to do with the fact that we generally pay more attention to what we think should make us happy rather than focusing on what actually does.”*

 Dr. Dolan reasonably suggests considering how one manages the pleasure – purpose balance.  By shifting as little as an hour a day to activities on the under-served side of the balance, one can materially improve one’s experience of well-being.  If you have been brought up to feel guilty about indulging in things merely for pleasure this could be tricky, but listen more to your heart and what actually works for you. Similarly, look for purposeful opportunities is you are short on your longer term agenda.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

*: Happiness by Design: Finding Pleasure and Purpose in Everyday Life by Paul Dolan