Telescope or Microscope?

Are you viewing life through a telescope of wonder and promise?  Or are you viewing life through a microscope of what is missing and remiss?  Are you looking upwards with awe and amazement or looking inward with disappointment and longing? 

When I look upwards, whether at the moon, clouds, blue sky or that distant hill it usually inspires me about the awesomeness of my surroundings and good fortune.  Pleasure and joy are the more frequent emotions.  When I look forward, I do see beauty but also walls, traffic, and other obstacles. I feel grounded and grateful for my bounty. When I look down, I too often see litter, cracks in the sidewalk and don’t feel especially positive.  And when I start looking inward what I see too often is what is missing, not what is there.

 It is essential to be mindful of your circumstances and challenges, and to have compassion for those that are less blessed. These microscopic perspectives on your present moment keep you grounded and real.  But does this depict the present moment as an opportunity full of promise or just more of the same-old same-old?  Being introspective or retrospective limits the possible perspective of looking upward at a richer now.

Telescoping upward in your present moment opens wonder.  Have you ever looked at the moon on a clear night, or a view of a distant mountain, or a seascape and felt disappointment?  Yet when your microscope inward do your spirits generally improve?  Yes, please ponder who you are, where you are at and mystery of life.  But spend at least as much time looking up at all the beauty around and above you.

Given a choice of whether to use a microscope or a telescope to look for what is and isn’t there, give me the telescope any time.  What is beyond is infinite and limitless, whereas what is within is finite and limited. Do spend more time looking upwards: there is a lot out there that is outside our imaginations.

 Please be kind, patient and thoughtful to your partner and others.

ANGRY OR DISAPPOINTED?

I don’t know about you, but when I am caught up in traffic, or someone does something that I think is untoward, I can quickly become very angry. Perhaps you have had instances where better anger management would have been helpful.  Instead you got yourself into an unpleasant or uncomfortable situation and said or did something you later regretted.  Is there a cure to not losing your temper?

More recently when I have faced these anger testing moments, I have actively sought to re-frame and re-phrase this tension with a different emotion.  Instead of being angry I CHOOSE to be disappointed or discouraged. 

Reframing anger to being disappointed, discouraged, displeasured or dis-anything starts with a conscious and deliberate choice of pausing.  This breaks the almost instantaneous cycle of fight or flight into a recess and lets us step back and reflect for a moment.   Then, by changing the lens that I use to see the situation, my temperament also changes.  I move from an external desire to lash out to an internal examination of what is really troubling me.  Yes, someone wronged me, but rather than venting outwardly I just absorb the blow and process the event as impersonal, letting go of as much of the negative energy as possible.  At the end of the day wasn’t my anger really disappointment? I was discouraged and frustrated by the situation.

The wonderful thing about being disappointed or discouraged is that it allows me to question the WHY behind my tension.  After all, anger at its root started as an offensive survival skill when times were very dangerous and hostile. Hopefully, I begin to recognize that much of my frustration is not related to my assumptions about the situation.  Often if there is a cause to my anxiety it is based in myself. The best thing to do is move along and ask what can I learn from what just happened. 

Pausing and challenging my beliefs and reframing the angry moments as disappoints certainly has reduced the sting when things go pear-shaped.  These discouragements encourage me to learn and accept increased responsibility for my own circumstances and my reactions thereto.

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NOTHING IN LIFE IS QUITE AS IMPORTANT AS YOU THINK IT IS, WHILE YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT IT

Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel Prize winning economist, made this brilliant observation about our human condition and mindset. We fret and focus on matters that at the time seem immensely important or urgent, but likely are just the day-to-day events of a normal life.  Yes, there are important matters that confront us and warrant our undivided attention, but they are fortunately few in number.  Health, career, relationships, financial issues, the weather, deadlines and emotional issues crop up in our mind all the time, and we awfulize and replay them until they seem to become all that matters. 

Our mind is a poor judge of putting things in perspective and ranking their importance.  With thousands of moments and thoughts each day, our mind is ripe for debating trivial matters just to fill its day.

So, what can you do to manage your wild mind?  Start by laughing at most of these impulses as if they were scenes in a TV sit-com.  After all, aren’t they just absurd exaggerations of the present moment?  Are your worries statistically possible or probable?  Question the underlying beliefs and hypothesis that these thoughts are based on.  How much of the underlying concern is just conjecture, or based on incomplete information? Do you have a natural tendency to imagine the worst case scenario, not the best?

Observe that many of these “important” matters are actually rather mundane matters that just need to be attended to, so just note them down and do them.  Test these issues that are overwhelming you by imagining the worst-case outcome and honestly consider just how awful that eventuality would really be.  How much of a resilience test would that scenario be?  If resolution is beyond your control, then accept that there is nothing you can do and move on.  Objectively challenge your subjective judgements and thoughts.

If this thought that you are dwelling on is really important, sequentially plan how to address it.  Re-visit the matter after writing it down and then not thinking about it for a while, and consider sharing your concern with someone else who may bring a different perspective to the table. 

Once you have made all the plans that you can, most importantly, let go of these thoughts – worrying will not change anything. Remember, nothing in life is quite as important as you think it is, while you’re thinking about it.

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HARBOURING VS. LETTING GO OF THE PAST

This site is called Smallercup and suggests you should have a smaller cup to improve your well-being.  But what is in the cup?  The assumption is something positive, but sometimes what we are holding in our cup and our soul is anything but that.

A serious challenge to your well-being is the malice and ill-will you may harbour inside.  A silent but real anger against someone or something will prevents a positive sense of self to emerge.  Someone seriously crossed your bottom lines, or a point-of-view totally violates your sense of right or justice and you are stuck in anger, resentment and poison. Your cup is neither full, empty nor smaller, just disappointed and vengeful!

First, if your cup has any toxins in it, it will be difficult to materially improve your well-being. 

Desmond Tutu noted that we “all face the same choice: to forgive or to seek revenge”. 

Letting go is not easy, but not letting go of your real and valid misfortunes is going to corrupt your life journey.  Revenge will absolutely get you nowhere other than backwards.

Second, letting go does not mean forgetting, rather it means forgiving the wrong or wrong doer and moving on.  And perhaps even forgiving yourself.

Third, letting go of your wrathful poison will release you from the prison of your past. Obsessing and replaying past transgressions rots you from the inside out.  Unfortunately, you become a prisoner of your past.

Fourth, harbouring negative feelings to specific individuals taints the way you see people generally, how you see the world, and how others see you.  

Five, harbouring disappointment about the past limits your achievements in the present and the future, as it can undermine your confidence and willingness to take risks and chance success.

Six, letting go of those aspects of your past allows for healing and moving forward.

Seven, letting go always allows for resilience to mature.

It is very unlikely there is anyone that does not have moments they wish they could erase from their past, so you are not alone.  Awfulizing, re-playing, second guessing, and harbouring those past moments doesn’t undo the damage. 

However, there is much merit in cognitive behavioral therapy to free you of these matters and help you let go.  PLEASE do see a specialist to help you move on if you are stuck.  

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HOW TO MAKE YOUR SMALLER CUP BIGGER

Reframing situations in my life so that I have a smaller cup has been incredibly empowering. Can we stay with this wisdom a little longer?

Don’t misunderstand this: I am not suggesting that you simply desire a small cup, and your current situation is forever good enough, allowing you to sit back and never have another aspirational thought again. NO way!!  Rather, I would suggest that being aspirational, self-motivated and proactive are easier attitudes to adopt when we feel higher levels of self-esteem, achievement and contentment. The secret is in finding a balance between contentment and aspiration - how full is the optimum level of our cup?

The range of 65 to 75% full works for me.  Goals should be challenging and attainable, but not overwhelming. When my cup is around 70% full, I am encouraged to keep trying hard and to keep seeking out new challenges and opportunities. One of the more insightful movies I saw was “What about Bob?’  One of the characters is a psychiatrist whose treatment protocol is about baby steps. The trick is to forever make your cup grow a little bigger: grow your cup, but grow it slowly, with baby steps.

One is forever in a state of either growth or decline: it is like you are rowing up a river, and if you stop rowing you don’t stay still – you go backwards. As I achieved a new milestone, I invented a new goal that were just a little bit beyond my current reach. Just a little further out there, but always within reach.  Small increments in the long run advance us towards our well-being goals.  I never said or suggested your cup was small, rather smaller, but always growing.

To implement the smaller cup lifestyle, start by finding you own best state of being “full yet smaller”.  And remember to keep expanding your cup in small steps by keeping it 70%- even letting it overflow once in a while!

Over a lifetime, a healthily realistic, but nonetheless essentially optimistic, attitude towards life’s situations and challenges can create a tremendous sense of well-being and bounty.  Remember, there is no limit as to how big your “smaller cup” can be; I would suggest VERY BIG INDEED is how large it will become.  And larger than if you started with a big cup that was half full.

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BEING IN THE ZONE or FLOW

We have all been in the flow** and relish these moments.  This is where one is engaged in an activity which is both high in challenge but matched with a high level of personal skill.  Awareness of time disappears, one is totally absorbed in the task at hand and in a state of peace, joy and total presence in the moment.  In sports, the experience of flow is described as being “in the zone”.   The importance of having a high degree of personal control over your circumstance makes the flow that much more authentic. By contrast, the opposite of flow is apathy or boredom, where one is using few of one’s skills, and the level of task challenge is low, with generally limited autonomy.

There are challenges to being in the flow, and they can be overcome.  A good place to start is to appreciate the importance of deliberately combining high levels of challenge and skill together.  The synergy of skill and challenge can motivate you to design part of your career or leisure time to allow for more flow situations. 

Creatively and carefully look at your job or leisure time and consider where there are opportunities to develop new skills or challenging opportunities.  Look at some of your more frequent but boring or less satisfying obligations and see if they can be re-engineered to being more skillful or challenging.  I disliked the exams marking aspect of university lecturing.  Subsequently I re-engineered the exam papers, questions, answer booklets, grade allocation/calibration, marking pens, marking space and workspace arrangement such that grading was more skillful and properly challenging (though never a joy).  Also see where there are opportunities for increased autonomy and design activities for skill improvement and challenge.

The awesome thing about flow is that by deliberately embedding it into your daily rituals, your occupational and intellectual well-being improves (two of the seven aspects of wellness).  

 **: Mihály Csíkszentmihályi coined and researched flow extensively.  The TedTalk video noted below provides more details on flow:

www.ted.com/talks/mihaly_csikszentmihalyi_on_flow?language=af

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What is Work?

My first bit of common sense or wisdom came to me when I was about ten years old. Its source was from the book by Mark Twain, The Adventure of Tom Sawyer. Tom was being punished by having to white wash paint a fence (you may also know the story). Tom was not keen about his assignment so he thought, “How can I turn this task from work to play and perhaps even make a profit?” 

What Tom did was to start painting the fence with joy and excitement.  His friends quickly observed his enthusiasm and asked if they could join in and do some painting.  Soon he was selling the privilege of painting the fence and only stopped when he ran out of paint.  This story has many themes, but the theme of the story as I was taught it many years ago was:

What is work?  It is what you don’t like doing. 

What is play? It is what you enjoy doing.

Get paid to play.

That simple insight I learned at age ten changed me forever. I never forgot it, even after over 50 years of employment.  From that moment on I decided to NEVER GO TO WORK!! And you know what, I (almost) never have. My entire career (with the exception of about 3 years) I have been paid to play.  I was able to CONVINCE MYSELF that whatever I was doing was playful and joyful.   Now I must admit sometimes that having to convince myself that what I was doing was playful was a stretch, but I diligently and consciously made the effort to see situations in that light. 

The worst case solution was to ponder how the “work” situation was a learning platform and plan my escape; the normal response was to eagerly try to be my absolute best at it and speculate how it could be done better.  For repetitive tasks, analyzing them carefully was always an opportunity for improvement, even though the only one who would notice the improvement was myself. I turned my trade into an art form and forever looked for the smallest of tweaks and quirks to make the output something I had total personal pride in.  The point is, if what you are doing is play, then playing harder and better is always self-satisfying and motivating.

 Perhaps if your work is less than playful, than you could re-engineer your perspective and find some aspect of your tasks that you enjoy somewhat, and focus on how to make that aspect more central and playful.

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Framing (and Reframing) your Experiences

 Framing is a description of how your mind captures and perceives your experiences or circumstances on a moment by moment basis. Continuously while you are awake, events are occurring around you and your brain is trying to make sense of them.  Your senses receive various stimuli and your mind builds a picture of this moment.  Up to 90% of that experience is how the mind framed or pictured it, and as little as 10% is objective reality.

 As upwards of 90% of a moment is a matter of perception and framing, that means you have a lot of opportunity to make your present reality (NOW) wonderful, painful, awful, joyful or many other emotions in-between.  What frame of mind you start with is powerful. 

 What is your default tone? Is it positive or negative, awesome or awful, optimistic or pessimistic? You are your own spin doctor and that initial spin taints everything.

 One of the more insightful books on wellness that I have read is by Martin Seligman and it is called ‘Learned Optimism’.  Seligman, backed by substantial research findings, suggests that you can activity learn how to frame (or reframe) your circumstances to view them in a more positive light. 

 Experiment with whatever you are doing at this moment.  How many ways could this moment be captured?  Frame it as many different ways as you can imagine.  Practice reframing your first impressions. Watch your initial reflexes: are they helpful or harmful?  Deliberately, consciously and vocally put a positive spin on your present moment. Find that “silver lining” of your NOW.  Yes, it is raining BUT the plants are pleased.  Yes, X is a difficult person BUT they are in a tough place.   YES BUT…. 

 After a while constructive and affirmative re-framing and framing will become a mindful habit.

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POSSIBILIST

I am an unapologetic optimist.  Some would go as far as suggesting I am either naïve, misguided or willfully blind.  I recently came across a statement that concisely captured my hopeful view of life and our times:

Optimism is the best bet for most people because the world tends to get better for most people most of the time. But pessimism holds a special place in our hearts. Pessimism isn’t just more common than optimism. It also sounds smarter. It’s intellectually captivating, and it pays more attention than optimism, which is often viewed as being oblivious to risk. Real optimists don’t believe that everything will be great. That’s complacency. Optimism is a belief that the odds of a good outcome are in your favor over time, even when there will be setbacks along the way. The simple idea that most people wake up in the morning trying to make things a little better and more productive than waking up looking to cause trouble is the foundation of optimism. It’s not complicated. It’s not guaranteed, either. It’s just the most reasonable bet for most people, most of the time. The late statistician Hans Rosling put it differently: “I am not an optimist. I am a very serious possibilist.”"*

Media organizations are opposed to optimism. It doesn’t sell ads, headlines or generate attention.  The news maxim “If it bleeds, it leads” encourages viewers to become  spectators of horror.  Life can be reduced to a gladiator sport.  Add to this pessimistic perspective the violent entertainment that glorifies and seeks to normalize dysfunctional behaviors and lifestyles, and any sense of promise is derailed.  However, if reality is based on real data, percentages or rates, then crime, war, poverty, illness, inequity, premature deaths, severe illness and other troubling measures are in serious decline.  The reason the amounts are so high is that there are so many humans alive today and the news-cycle bias always dwells on the negative.

A fundamental wellness emotion is hopefulness.  The sense that your tomorrow can be a marginal improvement over today makes getting up in the morning more purposeful.  If you consider the statistics, the likelihood or probability of positive (or neutral) outcomes far exceeds negative results.  The odds strongly favour positive outcomes. Actively and willingly become an optimist, positivist, probabilist or possibilist: it is good for your soul and your wellness. 

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*:       The Psychology of Money: Timeless lessons on wealth, greed, and happiness  by Morgan Housel

2022 – The Post-Covid World

Can you remember how you felt when Covid first started to really cut into your lifestyle in the spring of 2020?  I remember feeling mildly romantic and pastoral, commenting on how quiet the roads were, the joy of hearing the birds sing and the purity of the air.  But as the weeks became months and then years, the initial bliss lost its glow and the same-old, same-old ritual of not much happening became the norm.  2022 was a year of mindfully forgetting these inconveniences of Covid cautiousness and consciousness.  

And then 2022 started.  I was back in my pre-covid world.  That era meant acting kindly to others, and not being overly cautiously or suspiciously lest they were ill.  Shaking hands, hugs were back in fashion; crowds and line-ups returned; traffic was congested again!  International travel is possible (and no one asks for your Covid pass) and the throngs have not returned (yet).

As I reflect back on 2022, what summarizes my recollection is that 2022 was NORMAL, like most of the pre 2020 years.  But now normal was more wonderful, what I had taken for granted for so long was special and essential.  Living in a world with dozens of daily interactions was crowded, complicated, awkward on occasion, tested your patience.  But it sure beats those lineless years of 2020 and 21!  Give me the frustration of queuing to the disappointment of nothing or little to do.

Going forward into 2023, I am going to have to relearn the habits of patience, tolerance and peacefully waiting my turn.  Being annoyed because someone is taking rather long to get through check-out sure is better than having to wear a mask, keeping your distance, only two in a store at a time, contactless payment only and thinking ill of those without a mask.

I am excited about 2023.  Now that NORMAL is back, my challenge is to be ever more aware of the subtle freedoms of being in the moment.  And explore opportunities for new NORMAL experiences and asking the riddle:

When was the last time I did something for the first time.

Please be well and be kind in 2023.  

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40% of What Determines Happiness is Up to You – Possible Thinking

For me, this is one of the most amazing and empowering findings from positive psychology. Your intentional (self-determined) thoughts and perspectives are said to determine about 40% of your experience of happiness.  You have around 40% control over how an event is perceived and emotionally experienced.  You have significant choice over how you react to the weather, the view out of your window or anything else in your present moment.  How you frame or reframe the present moment is significant.  Do you just react to events unconsciously or do you deliberately set out to apply a certain mindset?

If around 40% of what determines your well-being is up to your intentional thoughts and activities, what about the rest?  50% is largely set by your genetically determined set points (your genes, which cannot be changed).  The last 10% is your unique life circumstances (rich or poor, healthy or unhealthy, beautiful or plain, live in amazing or poor housing, etc.).

So what does this 40% suggest?  You experience an event or action, but how you process and internally experience that situation is flexible.  You cannot change the weather, traffic conditions or world events but you do have a choice as to how you react to these circumstances.  Your job, relationships, health, wealth, home and education are largely fixed in the short run, but how you feel about these matters is 40% is up to you.  These circumstances can be framed negatively or that same moment can be painted as having glimmers of wonder, joy, empowerment, opportunity, excitement, optimism; you decide.

This 40% possibility does not negate that one’s present moment may have difficult, sad or unjust elements, but to ruminate and exclusively stay focused on the negative aspects can have troubling consequences.  There is much truth to the saying:

“Every cloud has a silver lining”

You just have to look for that sliver of hope, to be open to a small possibility of a positive outcome.  Call this possible thinking rather than positive thinking, finding at least one hopeful aspect of your present moment.

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For further reading, if you are interested:

Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change, Sonja Lyubomirsky, Kennon M. Sheldon, David Schkade, Review of General Psychology 9(2):111-131 · June 2005

BEFRIEND YOUR ENEMIES

Enemies are dangerous, they are much less harmful as your less favourite friends.

 There are two important messages in this simple line. The loudest one is that the very idea of an ENEMY is bad for your well-being. Enemies consume your attention and energy, and distract you from your chosen path. Enemies invoke feeling of hatred, or wishing harm to another.

 Secondly, enemies can easily define you. Wishing or imaging vengeance undermines you and eventually this “enemy” captures you.  What is even more unfair is that this “enemy” may be unaware of your disdain, which make you the victim of your own anger, not them. 

 Yes, there are some people who are not my friend, and I would not choose to spend extra time with them, but hate them, NEVER.  I describe them as my least favourite people. Yes, it does says in the Bible to love your neighbor, but it does not say anywhere that you have to like them.

 A difficult but useful strategy I use when someone gets classified as my “least favourite person” is to actively mediate (or pray) for their well-being.  Yes, they may have offended me, but I find it easier to hope for their wellness than ponder their misfortune.  Projecting positive emotions on to my offender almost immediately allows me to let go of the offence that hurt me and move on.  Allowing that person or deed to get under my skin starts to define me, which only makes the injury or offence worse.

 So the next time a wrong or offence occurs to you, try to quietly wish the person well and feel compassion, not anger or hate.  It is much wiser to be defined by one’s own measures and choices, rather than be defined by the actions and opinions of others.  The best solution is to be able to define oneself on your own terms.

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YOUR EXPLANATORY STYLE

Imagine the scene: something noteworthy happens to you, evoking an emotional reaction, and later that day you describe the event to a friend.  The way you explain this event goes a long way to summarizing your state of well-being, and how you view your circumstances in terms of being an optimist or pessimist.

One way of looking at optimism and pessimism is as different explanatory styles. An explanatory style means the way we explain our experiences or the events which happen to us. Research has found that optimists and pessimists have different explanatory styles.

Optimists attribute the cause of NEGATIVE events and experiences to external, specific,  and transient factors.  Pessimists do the opposite; they attribute the cause of bad events to internal, global and permanent factors. Interestingly, these positions are reversed when we explain POSITIVE events and experiences. Optimists think about good outcomes as being personal, permanent, and pervasive, whereas pessimists think the opposite (external, specific, and transient).*

But is this the end of the story for a pessimist? No!

Intentionally, you can challenge your pessimistic summary of events and experiences by changing one’s explanatory style.  One highly effective way of becoming more optimistic is to monitor your explanatory style and challenge the negative explanations you make. Psychologists call this disputing.  

It may sound pompous or naïve that when something wonderful occurs, do you take credit for it and presume it to be the new normal?  Or when things go poorly, do you assume that is it not your fault and an exception?  Or would you rather assume it is your fault, pervasive and permanent? Neither spin is the whole picture or anymore truthful.  But which framing perspective is more likely to make your life and situation more serene and well?

Dare to be intentionally hopeful, modestly proud, and grateful for your blessings.  Let go of ruminating about life’s missteps and taking them personally, assuming they will persist.  Being an optimist won’t necessarily change your life, but it will significantly improve how you experience your life. And isn’t that one of the goals of improved well-being.

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*: A Practical Guide to Positive Psychology: Achieve Lasting Happiness, Bridget Grenville-Cleave

NOW OLD

I have aged a bit since I was a youngster, one day at a time!  I can remember at the age of about ten wondering how I could possibly know as much as a twelve year old. How could my small brain hold any more information?  The same fear gripped me as I was finishing high school.  Fortunately it all worked out, and space was found for the new knowledge as it came.

As I got older (69), the notion of ageing forever amazed, puzzled and frightened me.  At twenty five, I imagined how ancient I would feel at forty.  At forty, I was sometimes the youngest person in the room and rather intimidated by my elders.  Along the way, I also speculated about whether this age must be my peak, and whether soon after everything would go downhill……. 

Can I share with you my personal truth? Those emotions and desires of so many years ago are dim compared to today; aging teaches you how to manage, maximize and savour situations.  I encourage you to replay a circumstance you are currently having, and re-live how you would have coped with a similar situation twenty years ago.

So, when I think of how old I am, I have decided that I am NOW OLD. Finally, after so many birthdays and years, I finally appreciate that there is only one age or moment that matters, and that is the present moment. 

Being NOW OLD means that dwelling on your age and aging is irrelevant, unhelpful and distracting.  The awesome thing about being alive is that only there is only one state of nature, the present, and every other time only exists as a memory or an expectation.  Start acting your age, which is NOW OLD.  Everyone else can also only live in their present moment, whatever page of their life journey they are currently in.

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TWO WEATHER APPS

Part of becoming more British is that one learns to forever fret about the weather. My wife cannot go to bed without checking the forecast and the day starts with a detailed projection of what is coming next.  The British like to tell you when the next rain is expected, so you make the most of it if it is looking promising today.

I am resisting the urge, but I do have two weather apps on my phone.  Earlier this week I checked them both for the local conditions.  At precisely the same time (and likely using the same data) the story they told was rather different: I had to check again whether the location was the same.  One showed clouds and rain at that moment and for much of the morning.  The other showed the sun behind a cloud and suggested the potential of light showers. They both agreed the temperature currently was 14C.  The actual morning was light rain, but nothing worth getting worked up about.

Aren’t these two apps like life? Two of us can look out of the window, read an article or listen to a piece of music and have such different experiences. We are each entitled to how we process our reality, but which app is better for our wellness: clouds and rain or sun with clouds?

A long time ago, the sun with clouds perspective became my dominant view. When events were going well, I relish that moment, and when the circumstances were challenging, I look for the silver lining.   Initially framing things positively took some effort, but before long no prodding was necessary. I learned that for those circumstances that you cannot change, you need to let go of them. Where you have some influence, you need to make the best of what you can do, feeling blessed that you are in that moment none-the-less. Maybe you think I am very naïve or on another planet, and you are most  likely correct, but so what! I have trained myself to be more joyful in my present moment and be excited for whatever is coming up next.  The uncertainty of what it next is exciting, not fearful. An important part of my personal smaller cup theory is to keep as much positivity and gratitude in my cup, looking for awe and wonder and minimizing whatever may bring me down.

Which is your life app: clouds and rain or sun with clouds?  And if you live in Britain,  learn to let go of the weather, unless you are going out cycling!!

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PAUSING, RELISHING, SAVOURING AND LEARNING*

For as long back as I can remember, I have had this habit of privately re-playing my small successes or joyful experiences.  I pause, count my blessings and let that moment really sink in.  What I only recently discovered was that this relishing process was doing something constructive for my overall well-being. *

What I was building were neurological connections in my brain that were changing the way I experienced, processed, perceived and remembered my circumstances.  As the activating event was pleasurable, I was building a reflex process that almost automatically triggered positive emotions when similar situations presented themselves again.  I was unconsciously using Hebb’s theory, summarized as:

“(Brain) Cells that fire together, wire together”.

As I got older, I learned how to make this positive wellness process work more effectively.  When it is suggested that I “smell the coffee” and be in the moment, that is what I did.  The key improvement is that I had a step-by-step plan in place as to how to make that “coffee” moment more easily replicated. I mindfully pause in that experience, savour it, acknowledge that I am feeling joyful and then isolate what is especially special and unique about that moment.  I reward myself for being in that fortunate moment by learning from it, joining it to previous similar times and generalizing about how to replay that positive scenario again when similar situations are present.  As I build my inventory of wellness moments and triggers, the process starts to run on its own.

Working backwards, when negative or challenging events occur, you can use this process to make them less influential to your overall wellness.  The key is not to harbour less pleasant moments and avoid creating reflexes systems that accommodate and reinforce them. Restated, don’t build negative neuron pathways in your brain that intensify and default to regret and sad ruminations when triggered by challenging events.  

Being in the now is awesome and when that NOW moment is wonderful then so much the better.  Mindfully pause, relish and savour that experience. Watch and enjoy the wiring, re-wiring and programming of your brain and learn how to make your neurons enhance your well being.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*: Rick Hanson in his book, "Resilient: 12 Tools for transforming everyday experiences into lasting happiness" uses what he calls the HEAL process to implement what I am describing.

RESTORYING YOUR STORY

Our past is a marvelous collection of experiences and serendipitous coincidences.  However, within this collage are about 30 minutes in my life that went rather badly and seem to crowd out too much of my joy.  There are times in my past where a joke, self-introduction, lecture or chance encounter went pear-shaped, and more than a few times when I lost my temper and spoke when I should have kept quiet.  I have ruminated about these mishaps endlessly.  In each of these cases, it is deep embarrassment, disappointment and regret that I feel. 

Recently I decided “enough was enough”. I needed to  let go and forgive myself these missteps.  I decided to restory my story, to tell my story differently and compassionately, especially to myself. 

I decided to stop repeating the “What if” drama.  This was essential: what has been done cannot be undone, so ruminating is pointless and unhelpful.  Next, I decided to put my mistake into context and consider it as a learning opportunity.  As each of these stories was largely the result of inexperience, youth, impatience or an experiment gone badly. I decided to enjoy the story as an example of growing up and one of those rites of passage.  Each of these episodes was an example of growing up, taking risks and/or letting my enthusiasm get in the way of being more prudent.  And if there is an apology that can be made, it has been done.

Restorying is part revising and re-writing history, but more importantly, it is owning your mistakes, feeling remorse and letting go.  I now can share these faux pas and smile, especially to myself.  There are some life lessons that need to be learned the hard way.  If I could apply the erase test and forever erase these stories, I likely would not be where I am today, and other mishaps would have replaced these events.  But I rather like where I am now, so it all worked out.

What is the point of restorying?  Own your story, consider it a learning opportunity, remember the life lesson it taught you and tell it to yourself in a gentle and forgiving way.  And then let go of the sadness and remorse that comes with that story, smile and more on.  Also remember, 30 minutes in a lifetime is rather short relative to the big picture and duration of the rest of our life.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

WORRY OR WONDER?

Covid has, unfortunately, increased our worrying ability and potential.  The daily health warnings have become part of our news diet.  What shouldn’t we do today? What new risk is out there?  Health anxiety is the new normal for so many.  Is there a remedy for some of this endless and increasing anxiety? 

I will suggest one very useful anti-anxiousness strategy.  Change your perspective from worrying to wondering.  When the next caution comes out, rather than tensing up, start to ponder about the science behind the news flash and become curious and engaged.  Imagine the research behind the finding; consider the probability or likelihood that is event might affect you.  Is the risk one in a hundred, or more likely one in several tens of thousands?  

Wondering about these possibilities is empowering because the risk, once quantified, generally becomes rather smaller, often trivial and more manageable.  Wondering rather than worrying slows our thinking process down and allows us to put matters into perspective.  Fast, reflexive thinking hijacks our emotions and before you know it ‘Fight or Flight’ panic confronts us.

Worrying tends to be a defensive strategy, wondering is the opposite: putting us on the offensive and challenging simple solutions and conclusions to complex matters.  Wonder encourages awe and amazement; something new to think about.

Being cautious is a good idea but worrying too often goes beyond being prudent and becomes fearful.  When our worries do not materialize, are we grateful,  or do we forget our good fortune and speculate on something new to become anxious about? Mindfully wondering is a useful brake to this vicious and often pointless anxiety cycle.

Covid is an outstanding example of how science and calm leadership changed worrying into wonderful.  What was originally suggested would be a two year wait for a 60% effective vaccine. That became a one-year turnaround with an 80%+ efficacy.  If that isn’t wonderful, awesome and a blessing, the I don’t know what marvelous news might be.

Reframe and replace your worrying tendencies with a wondering, curious and wonderful mindset.  It will make your day so much more carefree.

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Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

A SMALLER, SMALL CUP

I am finding the drawn-out ‘sooner rather than later’ ending of the Covid situation strangely challenging.  My earlier locked-down, physically distanced time of waiting is nearing its end.  Only recently has this strange year began to really wear me down.  Maybe you hit that wall earlier.  With the end in sight, demonstrating patience is becoming ever harder.  Coping and trying to be well and positive is becoming more difficult.

The notion of having a smaller cup which is fuller (compared to a half full or half empty cup) has a new meaning to me.  Rather than just having a small(er) cup, I have had to deliberately make this cup of my expectations even smaller again.  The reality of Covid has really begun to set in: room for excitement, wonder and optimism have indeed become limited and exhausted. 

Over the past month to maintain a positive sense of wellness, I have mindfully downsized my cup of joy to keep it relatively full.  Smaller blessings and pleasures have become more joyful and meaningful.  Traveling even a few miles from home is my current travel adventure goal. 

By consciously shrinking what I expect, it has made the waiting process easier and more promising.  Convincing myself that less is better has materially improved my spirits.  It is now much easier to get excited and eager about almost anything; trivial things really matter now. 

Pacing myself to imagine that soon something resembling the old normal will return is giving me an opportunity to constructively plan for what is ahead.  Not only will my new cup of life be sturdier and initially smaller, but I am determined to savour more the simple pleasures of life.  Visits to friends will be much more special.  Being in crowds will be a welcome event.  Being able to travel slightly further afield: what a dream!

As the end comes nearer, please don’t waste the opportunity to re-evaluate and re-calibrate your post-Covid world.  Ask yourself, “What lessons have I learned that I can use to make the next chapter of my life better?”  Plan your escape and return to normality.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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FAIL-FAST *(2)

Lifelong learning is good for our well-being.  Keeping the mind active and engaged can reduce some of the threats to our mental health in our later years.  The challenge is how to develop habits and skills that make learning pleasurable and effective.

The fail-fast, learn-fast process described last week is a learning strategy.  The essence of this approach is to quickly experiment with new knowledge and skills. We need to accept failure and mis-steps as part of the learning process. Failing often and early on leads to stronger and more frequent  positive outcomes later.  Tessa Koller noted thirteen interesting outcomes from adopting a  fail-fast strategy.* Some of these positive outcomes are noted here:

1.          You become more resilient.  You gain a thicker skin; and subsequent setbacks and disappointments don’t bother you as much.

2.         Your failures highlight what works.  Your knowledge of what succeeds sharpens and hones your skills and abilities.

3.         Failures suggest new alternatives as to what may eventually work.  Failing opens possibilities.

4.         Failures are not absolute or terminal.  Disappointments followed by later successes help you develop the habit of re-framing outcomes in positive and hopeful ways.

5.         By bouncing back from disappointment, you will inspire others.  Your resilience will encourage others to keep persevering.

6.         Unsuccessful outcomes strengthen your mindset.  The process of re-starting is an inevitable reality for everyone.  Training your spirits to see the bigger picture of hardship as a learning experience is essential to sustainable wellbeing.

7.         Failing fast can expand your risk taking appetite. A certain degree of risk taking opens you up to many new experiences and opportunities. 

8.         Failing is exciting and purposeful.  The immediate feedback from a mistake is invigorating:  It may hurt a bit, but it is real.  This makes the eventual victory that much more rewarding.

9.         Failing is fun. Once you recalibrate your reaction to disappointment and see it as a growth opportunity., failure becomes a cause for optimism and renewed purpose, and that is fun.

My life has been filled with thousands of small (and larger) mistakes, failures and setbacks, but greater by a factor of two or three are the number of joyful successes.  And that is what wellness may just be all about.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

*:  13 Reasons Why You Should Fail Fast to Learn Fast by Tessa Koller,  : www.lifehack.org/851912/fail-fast

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Physically distance, never socially distance.