When Preparation meets Opportunity

Some people just seem to be so lucky or blessed.  Life just seems to go their way. Why so??  Why not me?

One view suggests that luck is passive, random and largely beyond one’s control. Good things might happen to me, but I do not cause them to happen.  Another view is that luck is less random and is often caused or encouraged by mindful intervention.

Steven Leacock has said,

I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work, the more of it I have.

I think that being lucky in life largely occurs when preparation meets opportunity.

One can significantly increase one’s likelihood of good fortune in life by consciously maturing skills and attitudes that are useful in one’s line of work. Putting yourself at risk and exposing yourself to opportunity is also a major factor. So many people miss out on opportunities because they do not put themselves forward, often from the mistaken belief that they are not good enough.

For your career or calling, start by learning your craft and developing your skills, observing closely the rules of the game in your profession and identifying influencers or key players in that area.  Start walking the walk and talking the talk. Be authentic and focused, but also be realistic. Unrealistic hopes are bound to disappoint; but realistic aspirations, deliberately planned, seem to yield “luckier” outcomes. This is the preparation part.

Next, start looking for those opportunities.  Put yourself at risk and expose yourself to situations where opportunities related to your calling or aspirations are present. Cause opportunity by going outside your comfort zone and try networking beyond your traditional circle of acquaintances. Invest some of your leisure time to researching in detail the more complex aspects of your goal.

An important ingredient of luck is to be in the right place at the right time, with the requisite skills.  Strategically do your preparation and imagine not only your next move, but your next several moves – having a plan doesn’t mean it will succeed, but it has to be better than having no plan at all. It is no coincidence that those who work harder and smarter seem to be luckier. And once the ball starts rolling, luck seems to multiply and flow more easily.

ANGRY OR DISAPPOINTED?

I don’t know about you, but when I am caught up in traffic, or someone does something that I think is untoward, I can quickly become very angry. Perhaps you have had instances where better anger management would have been helpful.  Instead you got yourself into an unpleasant or uncomfortable situation and said or did something you later regretted.  Is there a cure to not losing your temper?

More recently when I have faced these anger testing moments, I have actively sought to re-frame and re-phrase this tension with a different emotion.  Instead of being angry I CHOOSE to be disappointed or discouraged. 

Reframing anger to being disappointed, discouraged, displeasured or dis-anything starts with a conscious and deliberate choice of pausing.  This breaks the almost instantaneous cycle of fight or flight into a recess and lets us step back and reflect for a moment.   Then, by changing the lens that I use to see the situation, my temperament also changes.  I move from an external desire to lash out to an internal examination of what is really troubling me.  Yes, someone wronged me, but rather than venting outwardly I just absorb the blow and process the event as impersonal, letting go of as much of the negative energy as possible.  At the end of the day wasn’t my anger really disappointment? I was discouraged and frustrated by the situation.

The wonderful thing about being disappointed or discouraged is that it allows me to question the WHY behind my tension.  After all, anger at its root started as an offensive survival skill when times were very dangerous and hostile. Hopefully, I begin to recognize that much of my frustration is not related to my assumptions about the situation.  Often if there is a cause to my anxiety it is based in myself. The best thing to do is move along and ask what can I learn from what just happened. 

Pausing and challenging my beliefs and reframing the angry moments as disappoints certainly has reduced the sting when things go pear-shaped.  These discouragements encourage me to learn and accept increased responsibility for my own circumstances and my reactions thereto.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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ARE WE OUR INTENTIONS OR OUR ACTIONS?

There is a dilemma and contradiction we all encounter when we judge ourselves or others.  When it comes to ourselves, we know what our intentions are and evaluate our actions using our internal moral compass based on our intentions.  However, for others, as we can only see their actions, we judge them by these actions and largely overlook their intentions. 

This implicit unfair bias has troubling consequences.  We imagine ourselves to be highly proper, fair minded citizens based on our noble intentions (and often poor execution thereof).  However, when someone trespasses against us, we act as judge and jury and sub-consciously convict that person and their actions as untoward.  Too often we infer the wrong intention and mis-judge the impact of the action.  Where is the balance of justice and fairness in this contraction?  Obviously it is missing.

Where do you go from this puzzle?  The quickest but often hardest solution is to become less judgemental and let go of the process of critiquing others.  What a joy and relief it is to just be and let others be also.  Following on this line, the principle that ‘what goes around, comes around’ applies to you.  If you judge others less often or harshly, you can reasonably expect that you will be treated similarly. 

You should fully appreciate that the measures you use to judge others should be used to judge you, complete with the mis-perceptions natural to the fact that you are not the actor of the action. It may not always work out that way, but it certainly can make your life a lot kinder and less tense.

When the actions of others impact on us, it is a good strategy to frame their intentions as coming from a good and wholesome place.  Most likely that person meant no harm, and the worst case is that they were careless (but not thoughtless or vicious).

Note, I am not suggesting that actions do not matter, because they absolutely do!  Rather, judge less, judge as you wish to be judged, do more good, subtly appreciate the impossibility of fairly evaluating others, and assume the best of others.

I do believe ultimately, we are our intentions, things just get lost in translation.

Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

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NO PLAN B

A few years ago, I moved to another continent and country.  The culture, climate and everything in-between was new and very different from much that I was used to.  Regularly, before and after the move, people asked me the same questions, being: “Why?” and “How are you enjoying the change?”  It was as though they expect me to complain or regret my choice.  But my reply is always the same: “There is no Plan B so I am determined to make Plan A a wonderful success!”

The absence of a viable alternative or obviously better plan is such a blessing.  But the real point is not the absence of a substitute, but rather the total decision not to give any other arrangement any air or space to fester.  

Very occasionally, you have to make big choices where the decision precludes and includes many subsequent aspects of your life.  Choosing a partner, career, home, place to live, or employer are just a few of such binary (Yes/No) dilemmas. 

A good way to undermine your final selection is to second guess your conclusion, regret your conclusion, ask “What if?” and/or replay your decision making process. It sounds like even after your selection there still seems to be a Plan B on the table.  But there isn’t, unless your decision was half-hearted and naïve.

When you are in one of those Plan A or B decision moments, do spend the time making the trade-offs, and weighing the pros and cons.  But also acknowledge in advance there will be elements of regret and disappointment, as this is the nature of life.  With informed consent, you need to buy-in accordingly, and let go of any cognitive dissonance (after the fact regret).

Living your life as though there is always a Plan B out there significantly depreciates your well-being.  You are trapped in the puzzle of reliving your past, corrupting your future and hollowing out your present moments.  Buying into your Plan A and perpetually upgrading it makes the very thought of Plan B unwanted and unwarranted.  

Once Plan A is in play, THERE IS NO LONGER A PLAN B (THANKFULLY)!

 Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

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Habits

Confucius noted that “All humans are the same, except for their habits.” 

Habits are your natural tendencies or practices.  They determine how you behave or react to a situation and they are automatic reflexes, often unconsciously made.  We are all largely the same biologically, but we differ in how we behave or react to things.

Given that habits define your uniqueness and personality, then maturing habits that enhance contentment and wellness would be constructive. I have struggled to make my intentional activities (the 40% I control) habitual and more beneficial.  Learning to be grateful, positive and reframing problems to possible thinking took a lot of mindful effort.  However, with practice these responses and perspectives became my natural habits - my default reaction.

Habits do have a pattern in their formation.  Repeating the same behavior consistently, deliberately and with mindful determination, for on average for 66 days, make a behavior or response automatic and habitual.   The wonderful reward of building wellness and contentment habits is that you get a subtle but real reward almost immediately and sub-consciously; you feel better quite quickly.  But just like medicine, once you start to feel improved health you often stop taking the medicine.  So also with wellness habits. 

Positive psychology suggests that the most useful and easiest well-being habit to mature is gratitude.  Start a gratitude journal to note your blessings, finding three to five things to be grateful for EVERY day.  Express internally or externally gratitude at every available opportunity (and especially when you are in a difficult situation).  Search for wonder in your present moment. 

Design your wellness program and invest 66 days to see what happens.  Nothing to lose- just take baby steps, one habit at a time.

Think about looking at some of your strengths and making them more habitual and regular.

What other well-being habits might you want to cultivate?

• seeking opportunities for service

• delaying gratification to its most opportune moment

• exercising

• working with your willpower to make it stronger

• wanting less

• practicing resilience

• looking for opportunities to express your purpose. 

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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For further reading, if you are interested:

How are habits formed: Modelling Habit Formation in the Real World,  Phillippa Lally,  Cornelia H. M. van Jaarsveld,  Henry W. W. Potts,  Jane Wardle; European Journal of Social Psychology, 16 July 2009, https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.674.

AFFECTIVE FORECASTING

Affective forecasting is a fancy economics and psychology term. It describes how we anticipate our future mental and emotional state may be affected by our current decisions and actions.  We anticipate whether our current actions will  affect future emotions in terms of being good or bad and how strong and long that emotion will be.

Stated more simply, often we carefully consider doing something by imagining what will transpire because of that action.  The hardwiring of our brain is based on the fight or flight survival mechanism, so we generally put a cautious and negative spin on the outcome.  Better safe than sorry, better the devil we know than the devil we don’t,  we say to ourselves.  If what we are contemplating is potentially unkind or dangerous such caution is warranted.  But is our life really that risky or untoward? 

Researchers have investigated the accuracy of our affective forecasting and noted that generally our predictions are poor and inaccurate, especially when we are considering doing something kind or compassionate.  Perhaps we refrain from striking up an innocent conservation with a stranger because we fear rejection or an awkward conversation.  Experiments tested this hypothesis: individuals were asked to either start or refrain from a random conversation with a fellow passenger on a train ride. Afterwards, they were asked to summarize their experience.  Those that engaged in conversation had a much more positive recollection of their train journey.

 There is a lot of research like this suggesting that human beings are bad at affective forecasting. Not just in short-term situations like the train study, but in the longer term, too. We seem particularly bad at forecasting the benefits of relationships. A big part of this is the obvious fact that relationships can be messy and unpredictable. This messiness is some of what prompts many of us to prefer being alone. It’s not just that we are seeking solitude; it’s that we want to avoid the potential mess of connecting with others. But we overestimate that mess and underestimate the beneficial effects of human connection. This is a feature of our decision making in general: we pay a lot of attention to potential costs and downplay or dismiss potential benefits. *

So, what are some of  the findings of this research?  Firstly, we should risk random acts of kindness more often.  If you want to do something kind, then do it!  Secondly, we are not very good at predicting the outcomes of our positive actions.  Thirdly, we are more likely to be pleasantly surprised than disappointed when we risk being kind in an uncertain situation.  The motto we were fed as children to not trust strangers may be good for youngsters, but not a helpful guide as we get older.  Risk being kind (but don’t be stupid, know your limits).

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:  The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Study on Happiness by Robert Waldinger, Marc Schulz

WHAT IS YOUR NOW?

One of the more critical experiences of wellness is being in the present moment rather than dwelling in the past or speculating about the future.  Our past self has special skills of ruminating and regretting past transgression.  Our future self is trained to worry and anxiously anticipate what might go wrong or be less successful.  This begs the question as to what our PRESENT mindfulness is.

 Contrasts are useful for depicting the range within our emotional reactions.  For instance, I like the emotion of being amused and its opposite for me is being annoyed.  Amusement is being curious, alert and open to unexpected and delightful things that are happening to me at this present moment. Being annoyed starts with critically judging whatever you are experiencing and letting life’s imperfections overwhelm the wonder of that moment.

 What emotions do you naturally use to frame your present moment?  Do you come from wonder, curiosity and praise or is judging, desiring perfection and being critical your default reflex?  Being mindful in the present moment is a challenge.  Deliberately selecting a frame of mind can enhance and enable being in a better place.  I have experimented with various emotional adjectives and found that being AMUSED jump started my immediate moment.  Rather than having a blank canvas for the present moment, just adding a touch of amusement opened up so much grandeur and joy.  Try starting with amusement, and then change and add being annoyed.  Doesn’t everything about the moment change?

 How you frame your PRESENT is an awesome thought experiment and experience.  Maybe amusement does not work for you, so then actively seek out your preferred positive mindset. Next, play around with related feelings and add even more context around that momentary flash.  Being in the present moment is uplifting and with limited effort the present can be expanded, deepened and prolonged.  Own your NOW, and make it yours. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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WHAT ARE THE LIES YOU BELIEVE?

Unfortunately we are all cursed with at least a few limiting beliefs. 

 I’m NOT good/pretty/smart/strong/young/slim/rich ENOUGH!!

 We firmly cling to these beliefs without questioning their truthfulness, relevance or merit.  Many of these limiting beliefs are lies and mistruths which we nonetheless make true in our lives.  We act out these misconceptions of ourselves until they are realized and we become a more limited version of ourselves.

 These lies which limit our potential have two telling features the words NOT and ENOUGH. Each should be carefully disputed.  Unraveling the likely lies is very empowering.  Many things of interest in life are not black or white.  Perhaps you are not the best at something, or even that great at it, but that does not mean you are therefore terrible or poor: there is lots of scope for being below average, but still okay.  The word ‘enough’ is even more dangerous and potentially damaging.  Who decides what the standard is for a sufficient amount? 

 Carefully address those views of yourself which hold you back.  Are your views of your own ability too low, or your expectations of what is good enough too high?  Yes, eventually you will discover that there are certain skills or attributes that you are not blessed with and should probably not pursue: you cannot excel in everything.  Furthermore, if you have some legitimate limiting beliefs you ought to also have many more valid empowering beliefs.  A major part of my SMALLER CUP perspective is being aware and grateful for your gifts, whilst underplaying the importance or your shortcomings. 

 A rule I have used after taking my personal inventory is:

 Go with my strengths but MANAGE my weaknesses.

 A long time ago I identified and chose to believe in my gifts and abilities, seeking out opportunities to use them proactively and converting these blessings into by calling and employment.   By manage my weaknesses, I mean being mindful of instances where my weaknesses are potentially exposed and either behaving cautiously in that instance, or purposefully avoiding those situations, people and careers.

   Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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When Preparation meets Opportunity

Some people just seem to be so lucky or blessed.  Life just seems to go their way. Why so??  Why not me?

One view suggests that luck is passive, random and largely beyond one’s control. Good things might happen to me, but I do not cause them to happen.  Another view is that luck is less random and is often caused or encouraged by mindful intervention.

Steven Leacock has said, “I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more of it I have.” I think that being lucky in life largely occurs when preparation meets opportunity.

One can significantly increase one’s likelihood of good fortune in life by consciously maturing skills and attitudes that are useful in one’s line of work. Putting yourself at risk and exposing yourself to opportunity is also a major factor. So many people miss out on opportunities because they do not put themselves forward, often from the mistaken belief that they are not good enough.

 For your career or calling, start by learning your craft and developing your skills, observing closely the rules of the game in your profession and identifying influencers or key players in that area.  Start walking the walk and talking the talk. Be authentic and focused, but also be realistic. Unrealistic hopes are bound to disappoint; but realistic aspirations, deliberately planned, seem to yield “luckier” outcomes. This is the preparation part.

Next, start looking for those opportunities.  Put yourself at risk and expose yourself to situations where opportunities related to your calling or aspirations are present. Cause opportunity by going outside your comfort zone and try networking beyond your traditional circle of acquaintances. Invest some of your leisure time to researching in detail the more complex aspects of your goal.

An important ingredient of luck is to be in the right place at the right time, with the requisite skills.  Strategically do your preparation and imagine not only your next move, but your next several moves – having a plan doesn’t mean it will succeed, but it has to be better than having no plan at all.

It is no coincidence that those who work harder and smarter seem to be luckier. And once the ball starts rolling, luck seems to multiply and flow more easily.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

Do unto Others as You would have Others Do unto You (The Golden Rule)

The Golden Rule of life is expressed in many cultures and religions as an essential part of living and being part of a more meaningful life.

Being more thoughtful and aware of others has immediate payoffs and instructive rewards.  Consciously holding the door open, giving up your seat, letting someone else speak, complimenting someone, letting that car in or helping someone with their luggage all trigger an immediate sense that you are mindful, thoughtful and in the moment.  Being altruistic is one of the blessing largely unique to human beings, something that defines our humanity.  Selflessness elevates one spirit the same way gratitude also does.  An easy and obvious way to implement the Golden Rule is to be of service to others. Added together, gratitude, selflessness and service compound their benefits in improved wellness.

Cultivating the habit of being more selfless opens you to being more aware of the kindness of others.  If you want your world to be kinder and more whole, start from within and project thoughtfulness; over time other will notice and reciprocate in random and wonderful ways.  Also, observe and acknowledge the kindness of others that you receive. The world is much kinder than you imagine but you have to look out for the many blessings we receive.

The corollary or part two of the Golden Rule is equally instructive. Don’t do unto others what you would have others not do unto you.  Not doing something is often harder to do as we have certain unhelpful habits and manners which are unwelcome or hurtful.

The reward of the Golden Rule is the gold it bestows on you; kindness, purpose, wellness and being part of a larger, more meaningful world.  Start causing the gold and cashing in.

And pray for the Ukraine and Russia to find an equitable solution to this cruel situation.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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SCHEDULING KINDNESS

Look carefully at your most prized relationships and ask:  “What is the most essential ingredient in these relationships?”  Yes, love.  But love is a rather vague catch-all word.  How about kindness, patience and thoughtfulness?  Wouldn’t it be awesome if you gave and received these unconditional expressions of love?

 And what can we learn from research? What do you imagine to be the most important quality that women and men seek in a sustained relationship? David Buss tested over 10,000 people from 37 different cultures and concluded that consistently the most important attribute was kindness.*  Whereas this conclusion may not be surprising, it is certainly reassuring.  Kindness is  powerful and universally appreciated. It is valued in all our relationships and interactions.

In all our hurrying about, do we spend enough time being kind?  Do we speculate what random or deliberate acts of kindness we might do to improve another’s day?  The word LOVE is sung and wrote about, but is that really what the world needs more of?  Yes, love is wonderful, but how about just acting in a kind and thoughtful way?

An interesting way to bring kindness to life is to schedule or timetable it into your diary.   What explicit act of kindness would you partner appreciate? Then make it happen.  Rather than speculating or pondering it, be kind.

Kindness is an action word; it is something one actually does (or does not do).  Kindness can be seen and explicitly experienced by others.  Acting kindly requires one to think about or imagine someone else’s situation and directly engage with them.  Kindness and thoughtfulness are a team, with thoughtfulness starting the process. The Dalai Lama, when asked how to be kind had a simple suggestion, to ask authentically and unconditionally:

“How can I help you?”

 We as a species are described as manKIND.  Being kind is part of our job description. Let’s release our kindness and live up to our name and calling. 

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*:          Buss, David M. 1989. “Sex Differences in Human Mate Preferences.” Behavioral and Brain Sciences

YOUR SUB-CONCIOUS MIND

I am reading a wonderful book (The Power of Your Sub-Conscious Mind  by Joseph Murphy, 1963) about mindfulness and wellness, as described in early 1960’s terminology and thinking.   Nowhere is mindfulness or wellness mentioned, but they are forever just below the surface. The author’s  perspective is naively enlightening by today’s scientific standards.  Fifty plus years later we talk about fast and slow thinking, fixed and growth mindsets, positive psychology, the rationale and irrational mind, positive emotions and framing our intentions. Murphy was on to all this long ago, but in a more concise manner. 

 What is refreshing about the book is its proud, clear and simple instructions.  The author encourages us to challenge our sub-conscious mind’s tendency to undermine our success and wellbeing.  Our conscious mind can control and influence our sub-conscious mind if we accept the challenge.  Murphy suggested intentional thinking and affirmations, which are managed and promoted by our conscious mind, can positively transform our circumstances. He talks about faith and belief as part of our self-improvement strategy.  If you don’t have a sincere faith in your aspirations, then the improved state-of-being is not going to happen.  Additionally, adding a firm belief that it is possible and acting as though the change has occurred is essential.  Now we say,” Fake it until you make it”, isn’t that similar?  Sometimes we make things too complicated and over-think things.  Second guessing or not fully buying into your hopes and dreams can lead to disappointment.  Allowing for and feeding dis-appointment makes failure the most likely outcome, as our sub-conscious mind will default to this option.

 Murphy suggests that what is central to our wellness is that our conscious and sub-conscious minds collaborate, with the conscious mind setting and controlling the agenda.  Our rational, conscious mind is always involved in our wellbeing, either passively or actively engaged.  By default, if our aware self is not in charge, then our automatic subliminal self is running the show, which often has less constructive results.  As our sub-conscious mind is focused on immediate survival, pleasure, the easiest way out and fight or flight reactions, that is not the best auto-pilot to have.

 Research over the past fifty years  has increased our understanding of wellness and mindfulness.  However, we are at our peril if we dismiss the simplicity of Murphy’s suggestion of the role and importance of our sub-conscious mind,  faith and belief, in improving our wellbeing.  An interesting journey down memory lane if you have the time to read it. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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OTHERS ARE YOUR MIRROR*

Recently a colleague (Roger) explained and justified his positive disposition, even in challenging times.  He said quite simply,

Others are my mirror.

His perspective was that if he was down or anxious, those close to him might feel and respond to him with similar emotions, like for like. Similarly, if he was hopeful, positive and enthusiastic, then his excitement would spread.  Using the idea of a mirror, what he projected was likely to be what others felt and that would then be reflected back to him. 

 Our external disposition is contagious, both for good and for ill.  There is strong research  evidence** that emotions or actions are contagious.  How often have you yawned and then others near you have done the same? Taking mindful ownership of the attitudes you are expressing can improve the wellness of those around you.  Enthusiasm lifts the spirits of a room: once you decide to act with a positive attitude, it does not take much effort for those around you to follow your example. 

 Whereas our external or public self may be joyful, it is essential to ensure that your internal or private self  lines up with the image you are projecting.  It may take some internal combustion  and resilience; a ‘fake it till you make it’ to jump start the positive cycle, but it does work. Our private self is deeper and more complex than the public self, mirroring years of experience which our momentary external expressions cannot always capture. It may be less joyful, but that is replaced with being hopeful and patient.  Our past experiences and growth can make what others see more authentic if you are coming from the right place.

 As others are your mirror, consider carefully what image you project.  Is that the “you” you want others to see and remember you by? Make your reflection work to the advantage of others (and yourself).

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: Thank you, Roger Lin, for this wonderful quote, idea, example and your positive attitude

**: Hatfield, Elaine; Cacioppo, John T.; Rapson, Richard L. (June 1993). "Emotional contagion". Current Directions in Psychological Science. 2 (3): 96–9

SELF-COMPASSION*

Rabbi Hillel said:

If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? If not now, when?

Indeed, if you are not kind to yourself, then where and when is your life journey going? Too often we are better friends to others than ourselves.  That is where self-compassion starts: deeply caring about yourself and your situation just as you might be concerned for a dear friend or soul mate, and then doing something about it.  The only difference is you are also that other person.

Self-compassion is not about feeling sorry for yourself.  Rather it is about designing remedies and perspectives that see you progressing to a better place.  In practice you are starting to come to terms with some of your quirks and faults and learning to accept  and if possible, change them, just as we do of friends.  That letting go and being non-judgemental with yourself brings a sense of peace and calm. 

Compassion for yourself is where you start when things are tough, not where you stop. Self-compassion makes a person more resilient, more able to bounce back. It lowers self-criticism and builds up self-worth, helping you to be more ambitious and successful, not complacent and lazy. In compassion for your own pain is a sense of common humanity: we all suffer, we all face disease and death, we all lose others we love. Everyone is fragile. As Leonard Cohen sang: “There is a crack in everything / That’s how the light gets in.” Everyone is cracked. Everyone needs compassion.*

 This is where Rick Hanson* steps in with some interesting advice.  You should savour that calm from self-compassion and associate it with the process of healing and changing.  Reinforce, remember and repeat the connection between the positive feelings of letting go and the personal challenges you are addressing.  Self-compassion encourages you to reward yourself with your efforts to change, just as you would for a friend you are actively helping.  Being personally kind to yourself brings an internal glow of wellness; don’t overlook that sensation, rather dwell on it and use its synergy to further advance your self-help progress.”

To change your mind, you may have to change your brain. Neuroplasticity is reformatting your brain, including reformatting it to be a better friend to yourself. Self-compassion enables the transformation process to work.  Be kind to yourself, just as you would to any true friend.

 Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*:  Many of these observations are based on the book Resilient by Rick Hanson

APOLOGISE, FORGIVE, FORGET

Relationships are complicated and wonderful at the same time. Not surprisingly, things do become problematic on occasion. Someone anonymously provided the following advice about relationship management:

The first to apologise is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest.

What true but difficult advice to follow, but well worth the effort.

For me, apologising is awkward, which is why being brave is so essential.  Saying “Sorry” does not come easy or frequently enough.  However, I have learned that being first to be sincerely regretful is remedial and constructive.

Forgiving is often the other side of the apologising sequence.  Accepting the “Sorry” often resets the relationship on a more positive footing.  However, what about those times when there is no apology:  is forgiveness unnecessary? That is where being strong and turning the other cheek comes into play.  Being first to forgive others quickens your healing and recovery.  Put in the negative:

Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die.*

Then there is forgetting.  Truly letting go of a past misdeed is not easy, but the alternative only makes the poison more toxic. In the best of all circumstances, the Apologise-Forgive-Forget cycle can be completed and the healing process settled.  When that is not going to happen, forgetting is the happiest outcome.  Sometimes for good reasons, when forgiveness is not an option, then forgetting and letting go is that much more urgent.  Unfortunately, bitterness is often the alternative to forgetting; and bitterness is the less happy place to be.  Being first to forget neutralizes the poison of past transgressions.

Being first to apologise, forgive and forget will make your relationships braver, stronger and happier.   

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

*: Marianne Williamson

CAUSING INTENTIONS

One of the most effective strategies to improve our wellbeing is to intentionally re-frame our experiences in ways that are helpful, hopeful and constructive.  The challenge is how to make this re-framing a more automatic habit.

What I find  useful is to start by defining positive emotions that aid wellbeing (the list below details the ten positive emotions identified by Barbara Frederickson*):

Gratitude: Appreciating something that has come our way as a gift to be treasured. 

Hope:  A belief that things can change and be better in the future.

Joy: Feeling bright and light. 

Love: All the positive emotions when they stir the heart to engage and share with others in constructive relationships.

Pride:  A managed and modest feeling of achievement.

Serenity:  Savouring the moment; feeling that things are so right and comfortable. 

Amusement: Something unexpected but non-threatening happens that simply makes you laugh.

Awe:  Experiencing goodness and amazement on a grand scale.

Inspiration: Feeling uplifted; seeing better possibilities than usual.

Interest:  Feeling open and alive; your horizons are expanding with new possibilities. 

Next, I ponder whether there are other synonyms I have for these emotions which speak to me. Then I identify what I consider to be the opposite of these feelings.  To finish, I complete a simple exercise of breathing in the positive feelings and intentionally letting go of  its negative opposite. 

For example, I pause for about two minutes (ten breaths) and recite in my mind the following phrases:

Breathe in GRATITUDE, let go of GREED

Breathe in HOPE, let go of DESPAIR

Breath in JOY, let go of SADNESS

Continuing in like manner for the next seven emotions.

The fruit of this exercise is that gradually the positive emotions become more familiar and relevant. When their opposites emerge, I intentionally have a strategy to reject them in favour of their more optimistic partner. 

This exercise may take a little memory work to create and remember your intentional emotional pairs, but the consequence is you will have a deliberate well-being plan that is yours and works for you.

*:  Positivity by Barbara Frederickson

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

THE FIRST THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD HUMAN

I recently listened to a futuristic TEDx talk by Aubrey De Grey*.  He suggested that the first thousand-year-old human has already been born! He was excited and enthusiastic that the science was there to make it all come together soon…  the aging process could be stalled, and cell regeneration and other remedies started instead.  He seemed to imply that longevity was the ultimate holy grail for the all science, the goal of life itself.

My reaction was one of feeling troubled, but also rather pleased that I was likely to escape a 1,000 (or even 100) year fate.  I am older and very content to be nearing my best before date.  To imagine that the point or goal of my life is to live for an extremely long time is to misstate or misunderstand my personal raison d’etre; nothing is  further from the truth.

Is the meaning of life to merely live the longest, or is it to live a good life? Is the solution to mortality immortality?  Is being finite better than being infinite?  We are blessed with mortal and finite limitations, but it is our potential while in the finite stage that most inspires me.

Does living for longer necessarily enhance the overall quality of life? My personal guess is mine would be materially reduced.  If I had that much time, where would purpose fit in? Why concern oneself with living purposefully when there is always tomorrow?  Knowing I am mortal focuses my attention on making the most of my limited time on earth.  Take purpose  away from me and I might as well play with my smart phone ten hours a day and top that off with several hours of Netflix.  Longevity is not in opposition to purpose, but it could readily take away its importance. Time has a wonderful way of clarifying one’s attention.

I would rather live deliberately and purposefully, and experience the richness and awe of life, than be in some contest as to who can outlive others without purpose.  As I get older, the notion of purpose becomes more urgent, precisely because there is an end in sight. 

Many of you may disagree with me and that is wonderful. Please  consider how central purpose is to your life and live/plan your finite life accordingly.

*: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvWtSUdOWVI

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

HAVING FEWER CARES

Between Covid, politics and elections, the economy and the environment, there seems to be no end to the number of things that one might be anxious about.  Unfortunately, anxiety is inversely correlated with well-being: the more anxious you are, the less you will feel well.

In the last few months, I have decided to:

·         stop watching the news before I go to bed,

·         avoid the newspapers with their sensationalist take on everything,

·          largely boycott violent or pointless movies. 

Essentially, I have put myself on a diet of reduced negative or unhelpful stimuli. I have removed from my agenda matters which are beyond my control or influence to positively improve. Instead, I look for hopeful or helpful experiences which can encourage a sense of gratitude and optimism.

Letting go of so much noise certainly has made my world much lighter and more manageable.  I have less concerns to worry about and feel less overwhelmed.  Having fewer cares is most empowering as you become more carefree.  This focuses your attention on what really matters, where to put your energy and resources and how not to get caught up in concerns beyond your control.  There are about a dozen things on my agenda that I pro-actively care about and for each it is solutions, not complaints, that I concern myself with.

One of the upsides is in realising where I can make a difference. I can align my priorities with my worries.  Take Covid, something on everyone’s hit-list of angsts.  Are you going to get all worked up about finding a vaccine, where the next hotspot is, who isn’t wearing a mask or how we are going to pay for the consequences?  Or will you sensibly, caringly, and non-judgmentally use physical distancing, wearing a mask and a smile to reduce its spread?  Or the environment: how about just doing your part to reduce your eco-footprint and picking up the litter near your home?

Having fewer cares actually means caring more about your local situation. It involves thinking about how you can enact change in line with your values. It significantly improves your wellness.  The calm which this optimism encourages naturally evokes gratitude, the ultimate well-being vitamin.

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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DESSERTS

Last week, I visited a quaint bakery which had a wonderful and inspiring sign on the wall:

DESSERTS is STRESSED spelt backwards.

Just what I needed to see and do.  I don’t know about you, but I am getting Covid fatigue. Putting a wellness spin on these troubling times is beginning to wear thin and at times hollowing out.  I know it is okay to not be okay, but that doesn’t make being mindful and hopeful easy, pleasurable or purposeful.

This simple suggestion has become my quiet mantra as I must intentionally and mindfully re-frame these sterile and stressed times to keep my spirits up.  When I find my feels becoming challenged and negative, I remind myself of the DESSERTS versus STRESSED trade-off. 

I consciously ask questions such as: Where is the silver lining in my circumstances?  Where can I find stories with happy endings and exalt the positive aspects of our times? How can I frame my situation to encourage a hopeful, constructive outcome?  How much of my imagined situation is awfulizing and ruminating self-talk? What news articles or outlets should I avoid?  How can I neutralize the stress? Where is the dessert (peace and contentment)?

We have been in Covid lockdown mode for at least five months and there is more to come unfortunately.  What is your Covid mental health survival strategy?  What triggers and reminders do you need to activate  protect yourself against the gloom?

When you feel you are becoming stressed, think about desserts and frame your moment so it is sweeter and better.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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YOUR FUTURE SELF

Everyone has a present and a future self. Your present self is how you see yourself in your own mind, today, as you are.  Your future self is the person you may imagine yourself to be in the future. Take a look at this future self:  How is this self the same or different from your present self?  Are you happier? Have you learned new skills? Are you kinder? A better partner? Are you healthier? Do you relate to this future self or are they so far removed from your present self that they are really a stranger? Is it a realistic prediction of who you could become, or is it more like a fantasy?

Hal Ersnere-Hershfield from UCLA has extensively researched how our present and future selves influence our long-term well-being.  Your future self significantly affects the trade-offs you make between your present and future circumstances.  He suggests that the less you actively contemplate the correlation between your present and future self, the greater the disconnect between the two will be, and the more your future self will be a fantasy figure.  Deferring gratification and strengthening your willpower are all about making your future self a better version of your present self.

Take for example, the issues of saving for retirement,  future education, fidelity, or healthier lifestyles.  The more you are mindful of the long term consequences of your immediate actions and how they could compromise or improve your future outcomes, the more these will be part of the trade-offs you make between the present moment and your future well-being.  Ersnere-Hershfield noted that those with strongly developed pictures of their future selves were better they at saving for retirement, managing  credit card debt, acting ethically and being purposely inclined.  He suggested that being dis-connected with one’s future self seemed to give one permission to ignore the consequences of one’s actions.*

Kelly McGonigal suggests three interesting ways to improve your awareness and accountability to your future self.  

1. Create a Future Memory. Imagining the future helps people delay gratification. You do not even need to think about the future rewards of delaying gratification – just thinking about the future seems to work.  When you picture the future, the brain begins to think more concretely and immediately about the consequences of your present choices. The more real and vivid the future feels, the more likely you are to decide in favour of things that your future self won’t regret.

2. Send an Email Message to Your Future Self.  Go to: www.FutureMe.org  and write an email that will be sent to you at a specified future date.  Describe to your future self what you are going to do now to help yourself meet your long-term goals. What are your hopes for your future self? What do you think you will be like? You can also imagine your future self looking back on your present self. What would your future self thank you for, if you were able to commit to it today? 

3. Imagine Your Future Self. Studies show that imagining your future self can increase your present self’s willpower. Can you imagine a hoped-for future self who is committed to the change, and reaping the benefits? Or a future self suffering the consequences of not changing? Let yourself daydream in vivid detail, imagining how you will feel, how you will look, and what pride, gratitude, or regret you will have for your past self’s choices. **

Your future self can be your best friend if you empower it to be your guiding light and inspiration for a wonderful future.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

*: Future self-continuity: How conceptions of the future self transform intertemporal choice, Hershfield, H.E. (2011).

**: Maximum Willpower: How to master the new science of self-control, Kelly McGonigal