BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR

I lived for a year in one of the most financially prosperous cities in the world.  If there was a lottery and the prize was to be immensely rich, well this was it.  There were malls everywhere and any conceivable consumable pleasure was not far away.  ‘Shop ‘til you drop’ was a national obsession and past time.  They had won the “life” lottery (after all, someone has to) and got the prize of having financial abundance beyond belief.

I was gone after a year; what a relief. I learned and observed an important lesson:  Be careful what you ask for, you might just get it.  Imagine you got that amazing car, house, partner, career or whatever you asked for: would that be it and nirvana forever after?  What was especially obvious was that the citizens of this prosperous country were anything but happy.  They got what they wished for and thereafter they exhibited the behaviour of a rather bored, purposeless and restless person.

Many aspirations are indeed uplifting and noble, but many are not. How often do we silently say to ourselves: “I wish I had….”    How do you sort them out?  I ask a rather simple question: “Imagine it is a rainy, miserable Tuesday in the fall and it is 11 AM and you had or were doing what you asked for, would you feel purposeful and happy?”  Maybe you would feel blessed and grateful for whatever you had: great!  Or perhaps that ocean front view, car, job, office, or wardrobe might just as easily be humdrum and bland.

So what are attributes of more purposeful or worthwhile living to aspire to?  The psychologist Martin Seligman summarized five measurable elements of what he described as flourishing* or well-being:  Positive emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Achievement (or PERMA). 

If what you desire does not contribute to at least one of the elements, move on.   If the answer is YES, go for it.  If the answer is MAYBE, speculate what is missing and whether you can supplement your desire with it.  If it cannot be bundled together, than stop.  If the answer is NO, let go of that desire, as it is likely very superficial and just a consumption urge coming out of boredom.

Finally, if what you get is what you asked for and it is great, be especially GRATEFUL!!

 Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

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*: "Flourish: A New Understanding of Happiness and Wellbeing" by Martin Seligman 

FLOURISH

An interesting shift in terminology around the science of happiness and well-being is occurring.  A growing number of positive psychologists have shifted their view and discussion of well-being to a larger perspective.  Rather than talking about happiness, they now describe their goal as to understand the experience of flourishing.

Changing your paradigm to flourishing from happiness is empowering.  Being happy may sounds to some like you are just smiley faced, a gleeful but not especially purposeful or grounded person. They may view you as being too obsessed with the NOW (which isn’t correct or complete, but does have some merit).  The idea of flourishing has a more expansive remit, as it implies growth and an interest in tomorrow.

This change in positive psychology terminology is more than clever marketing.  It embraces an enlarged view of what a more joyful life might entail as described below (1):

Authentic Happiness Theory: Focus: Happiness

Goal: Increase one’s life satisfaction primarily by increasing Positive emotions, Engagement, and Positive Relationships

Well-Being Theory:  Focus:  Well-being

Goal:  Increase one’s flourishing by increasing Positive emotions, Engagement, Meaning, Positive Relationships, and Accomplishment (or PERMA) 

So what? you reasonably ask.  At the very least, if one changes the way one describes their well-being goal from happiness to flourishing others may not dismiss you as readily, and may listen to you less judgementally.  Secondly, and very importantly, the inclusion of accomplishments (achievement) and meaning (purpose) into your repertoire of well-being tools does materially expand ways you might improve your quality of life.

Personally, I find it much easier and helpful to challenge myself to flourish than to be happy.  Acknowledging creating purpose and valuing accomplishment as concrete aspects of my well-being causes me to reflect on what I can DO proactively and privately to improve my quality of life.  By adding engagement I acknowledge the intense satisfaction I can get when I am engaged or busy in something deeply satisfying.

By giving attention to what really matters to you (meaning), developing the skills to do it well (engagement), and seeking to excel, you should become a flourishing (and happy) camper!

Start thinking about and acting out your FLOURISH agenda.

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(1):  Martin Seligman, Flourish, (Nicholas Brealey Publishing, 2011)

WHAT GOOD THINGS ARE HAPPENING TO YOU?

How you start a conversation with a friend or stranger can significantly influence how pleasing the interaction is.  “Hello” or the like works okay and no one takes exception, but you can do better, once the first introductions are over.  What if you start that encounter on a positive, engaging and sincerely interested tone? Chances are the chat will be more joyful and insightful.

My preferred way to set the tone of a conversation with a friend is to sincerely ask:  “What good things are happening to you?” hoping that they answer this question thoughtfully and happily.  If they are reluctant to share initially, then I respectfully pry a bit until something joyful emerges.   I listen for clues so we can have a pleasurable tête-à-tête about the blessing in their life.  Rather than hearing about the rain or traffic delays, you hear about vacations, achievements, friendships, or other joys. 

Another similar question to set the tone is to ask:  “What is going well today?” or “What went well?”   Sure enough, something is going well.  People love to discuss their success, and it is wonderful and inspiring to learn about their wins.  Quickly, they overcome their modesty and share their better moments and achievements.  

Years ago, a colleague taught me a wonderful introduction to a total stranger, such as a taxi driver or shop clerk when you need help.  He acknowledged the person as”  “Hello my friend”.  This introduction generally set the tone of the exchange on a positive and equal footing.  Additionally, the assistance you get is so much kinder and personable.  People in the service sector are less used to being treated in a friendly manner and appreciate the respect you bestow on them.  And it cost you nothing!

Trying to start conversations in a more positive framework causes you and others to frame their moments and days through a more grateful prism.  This will make for more enjoyable moments and conversations.

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YOU MISS 100% OF THE SHOTS YOU DON’T MAKE

Wayne Gretzky made the above observation about hockey (and life).  There are many versions of this saying, and they all make the same point: without commitment, risk taking and effort, you will miss out on many of life’s opportunities.

 Having had the opportunity to observe thousands of university learners, it is rather easy to identify those that are likely to be successful, and those who are less likely to be so.  What distinguishes the achievers is their willingness to be seen and heard, and a keenness to risk being wrong for the reward of being right and learning something extra (getting a goal).  The under-achievers take few risks and seem to actively sabotage their opportunities by apparent indifference and disengagement.  Luckily, most pupils are somewhere in-between, but could easily up their game.

 This shows itself very markedly with regard to student participation in classes.  Many students are fearful of embarrassing themselves with a wrong answer, and convince themselves others will ridicule them.  They miss 100% of the opportunities that interaction affords. 

 Having watched the classroom dynamics for many years, there are two conclusions I note from those that humbly engage: 

Others almost always judge those that engage very compassionately.  There is a calm and real kindness, a silent respect, for that person interacting, as others admire that person putting themselves at risk (and silently thinking, “I would have said that”.

Even more rarely is a response or suggestion completely wrong.  Generally, at least part of what was noted had merit.  More importantly, the act of engagement made the situation feel more inclusive and collaborative.

 Pause for a moment and reflect, when someone speaks, do you judge them harshly or unkindly?  Likely you don’t, unless that person’s ego is large or they are attention seeking.  Taking shots at learning and life opportunities by risking a wrong or stupid answer or idea is the key to critical thinking, progress, promotions and finding your calling.

 Provided one is humble and respectful, whether in the classroom or the workplace, putting your ideas and suggestions forward will reward you richly.  And once in a while you will certainly score a goal – so be courageous and take a risk!

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HOW TO MAKE YOUR SMALLER CUP BIGGER

Reframing situations in my life so that I have a smaller cup has been incredibly empowering. Can we stay with this wisdom a little longer?

Don’t misunderstand this: I am not suggesting that you simply desire a small cup, and your current situation is forever good enough, allowing you to sit back and never have another aspirational thought again. NO way!!  Rather, I would suggest that being aspirational, self-motivated and proactive are easier attitudes to adopt when we feel higher levels of self-esteem, achievement and contentment. The secret is in finding a balance between contentment and aspiration - how full is the optimum level of our cup?

The range of 65 to 75% full works for me.  Goals should be challenging and attainable, but not overwhelming. When my cup is around 70% full, I am encouraged to keep trying hard and to keep seeking out new challenges and opportunities. One of the more insightful movies I saw was “What about Bob?’  One of the characters is a psychiatrist whose treatment protocol is about baby steps. The trick is to forever make your cup grow a little bigger: grow your cup, but grow it slowly, with baby steps.

One is forever in a state of either growth or decline: it is like you are rowing up a river, and if you stop rowing you don’t stay still – you go backwards. As I achieved a new milestone, I invented a new goal that were just a little bit beyond my current reach. Just a little further out there, but always within reach.  Small increments in the long run advance us towards our well-being goals.  I never said or suggested your cup was small, rather smaller, but always growing.

To implement the smaller cup lifestyle, start by finding you own best state of being “full yet smaller”.  And remember to keep expanding your cup in small steps by keeping it 70%- even letting it overflow once in a while!

Over a lifetime, a healthily realistic, but nonetheless essentially optimistic, attitude towards life’s situations and challenges can create a tremendous sense of well-being and bounty.  Remember, there is no limit as to how big your “smaller cup” can be; I would suggest VERY BIG INDEED is how large it will become.  And larger than if you started with a big cup that was half full.

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HOW LONG IS NOW?

With so much mention about “being in the now or moment” it seems a fair question to ask: ”How long is now?”  NOW is defined as the length of time that you can be aware of something before your awareness moves on to something else. Different estimates abound, ranging from one to ten seconds long, averaging between two and three seconds for each discreet NOW moment. (1) 

That means you experience between 10,000 and 20,000 NOWS during each waking day. However you remember almost none of these NOW moments.  Does this forgetfulness dismiss the importance of being the moment?  NO! 

As Bill Keane, the cartoonist of Family Circle said in 1984:   “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a GIFT.  That’s why it’s called the present.”

At any one moment there are three different NOW selves potentially engaged. These selves are your experiencing (present) self, your remembering (past) self and your planning (future) self.  Each of these selves is fighting for your awareness.  Unfortunately, the past (regretting) self wins most of your NOW awareness, followed the future (worrying or anxious) self and the present (mindful) self just hangs around being rather dis-engaged.

You cannot productively use all those three second moments as present gifts, but you can improve and re-prioritize your mind to think more effectively.  Whereas 99.9% of these NOWs are fleeting, deliberately engage with the 0.001% of them (about 20 per day) and make them real and alive.  Bring a smile to your face.  Pause, take a breath, look about and engage as many of your senses as you can. Once in the while cause a NOW moment to become a genuine memory worthy of sharing with others and remembering for a few days.  Do something exciting, uniquely different and spontaneous.  And make it your mission at least four or five times a year to create a celebration that you will use to frame the year by.   This isn’t taking a selfie and putting it on your Facebook, but rather experiencing something that you will privately cherish and smile about as you re-count this year several years later.  Cause some NOW milestones!!

Annually you have around five million NOW moments, so make some of these present moments a gift to yourself.

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(1): Marc Wittmann, Felt Time: The Psychology of How We Perceive Time, (MIT Press, 2016) 

KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE BALL

When things get tense in a discussion, we often forget to focus on the most important issues, and get caught up in an emotional or tangential reactions to our situation.  The emotional dimension of a heated discussion overwhelms us and we take our eyes off the ball, especially if things start to get personal. We often pursue an angry and spiteful agenda which sidetracks us away from the major issue, or distracts us for the matter at hand.  Please beware of what is happening at this point.  Getting even overwhelms getting on, when being right and winning seems to be all that matters.

What I have learned all too well when matters get heated is that I need to step back and ensure I am clear as to what the problem is. So often we all fail to do this. Often I am agreeing with the other person, just in a different way.  Or we almost agree and the differences are small, but we are too emotionally connected and want to win without any compromise.  And most commonly, we differ because we are debating along similar lines, but are actually trying to make completely different points about an issue, and are not actively listening and having a dialogue.

What should one do when matters get ahead of us and emotions drown out listening?  Go back to the beginning and check whether you and others are looking at the same issue.  Spend some time precisely clarifying the topic or issue: did you really mean that? Did you mean to say?... Look for commonality in the positions you hold. Take time out and call a halt to things to allow for some reflection.

Keeping your eyes on the ball is about clarifying what the PROBLEM is, listening to ensure you are properly understanding the other person’s point of view, and taking time out to review and revisit a discussion that is getting too heated or too personal.

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INTEGRITY AND SELF-ESTEEM

One of the more troubling changes I have noticed in younger adult learners is a serious deficit of self-esteem.  More and more students appear to be overly shy, uncertain and unwilling to proactively engage in their learning and life experiences.  They express limited or negative confidence or satisfaction in themselves or their futures.  Having a low self-image or regard in the early stages of one’s adult journey can significantly undermine one’s future prospects.

The psychologist Nathaniel Branden, considered the father of the self-esteem movement, recognizes integrity as one of the essential pillars of self-esteem. Research by Branden and others suggests the existence of a self-reinforcing loop between integrity and self-esteem. The more integrity we practice, the more we esteem ourselves; and the more self-esteem we have, the more likely we are to exemplify congruence between our words and our actions.   When I follow up on my commitments—to others or to myself—I am sending others and myself an important message: that my thoughts, my words, and my self-matter. My words are an expression of myself, and therefore when I honor my words I am honoring myself.*

Integrity can be defined as walking your talk; keeping your word and commitments.  If you say you will be there at 11, be there at 11.  If you say you will do something, do it.  Perhaps it sounds trivial, but that is precisely the point of Branden’s research findings.  Keeping even the smallest and simplest of commitments does make you feel better about yourself. A sense of wellness does emerge and grow.  Posed another way, what does not keeping your word say about you or how others interpret you? From my own observations, I do notice that those I associate with higher integrity almost without exception also display higher degrees of self-esteem.

Positive psychologists suggest a simple program of making two or three small pledges to yourself and others, and systematically honouring them.  What quickly emerges is a sense of modest pride (one of the ten positive emotions).  As these commitments become habits, add more ambitious pledges.  Several things will occur; you will feel better about yourself, and others will think the better of you.

Make walking your talk part of who you are.

*: Even Happier: A Gratitude Journal for Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment by Tal Ben-Shahar

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GENEROSITY – THE THREE “T’s”

Many respected leaders in the area of well-being (the Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, Sonja Lyubomirsky), have noted that generosity is one of the more redeeming and effective ways to improve one’s sense of wholeness and joy.  Generosity is prescribed by almost every religious tradition.  It is one of the five pillars of Islam, called zakat.  In Judaism, it is called tzedakah, which literally means “justice”. In Hinduism and Buddhism, it is called dana.  And in Christianity, it is called charity.

Generosity is one of the best vitamins for happiness, but our understanding of it may be challenged and short-sighted, because we often associate charity with money and gifts.  Fortunately, money is but one expression of generosity.  Let’s meet the three “T’s”: Time, Talent and Treasure.

For much of our life being financially charitable is challenging and awkward, as money (treasure) may be in short supply.  We want to be generous, but say to ourselves that we will get around to it when we are older.  However, we also have skills (talents) which can benefit those in need.  Or, giving up some of one’s time to a cause that speaks to you is also an act of charity. Sharing one’s expertise or leisure feels every bit as good for the soul as money.  At the end of the day, time is our most intimate expression of ourselves; sharing it altruistically with those in need is the dearest thing we can give.

Wonderfully, when time or talent are our method of expressing kindness to others, we get the added benefit of being part of a relationship with others.  This connectivity and interdependence with a community adds depth to our well-being.

Volunteering one’s time or talents does not have an age restriction, the earlier you starting giving of it the more you grow.

 Further reading: The Book of Joy   by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, Hutchinson 2016.

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WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU DID SOMETHING FOR THE FIRST TIME?

Our lives can easily become like a broken record that repeats the same line or verse.  The predictable rituals and routines that make up our days can improve the certainty and efficiency of our efforts, and give a much needed structure to our lives, but this can make get a little boring and repetitive day in, day out.

 Maybe it is time to stir things up a bit.  Really, when was the last time you did something for the first time?  Carefully consider the truth and intrigue this question suggests.  Have you become so patterned and regular that you have forgotten to take measured risks or invite change into your life, to boost the excitement and newness of the present moment?  A little change and randomness might just be what you need to revitalize your life.

Experimenting with even the smallest change, like your journey to work or what you have for breakfast is a good start. The nice thing about such minor adjustments is that it opens you up to being bolder and more engaged in your present moment.  Hopefully you will progress to a state where increased awareness of the NOW becomes more immediate and frequent.  Consciously seeking opportunities to do things for the first time makes you more aware of the wonderful things going on around and about you.  Being too routine in your habits means you often miss the awesome opportunities all around you.

 Making small, incremental improvements that change your life to the better is another way of addressing the doing something for the first time challenge. Particularly adding new acts of kindness, gratitude and/or compassion: these will increase your overall wellness and add variety to your day.

 As the present moment is always new and changing, seize a few of these moments and make them yours, refreshing and unique.

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WILL YOU LIKE IT AS MUCH AS YOU WANT IT?

Have you ever bought something you craved for a long time and experienced an immediate rush and real joy?  You were so pleased, it looked marvelous or did just what you imagined it would.  A few days or weeks later, the excitement is gone and you are right back to where you started. That is called the Hedonistic Treadmill, where new achievements or objects become the new normal and you return to your natural state of wellness.  Will you really like it as much as you want it?  Probably not!  As good example of this is the new puppy (car, dress, mobile) situation.  How many times have you enjoyed that new thing weeks or months later?

 So, is there any way to reduce this dilemma?  Yes.  Start with the obvious solution of consciously wanting fewer things.  Generally more or new is not better.  Next define what it is that this new object provides that is unique and an improvement.  What is this thing actually going to do that will improve your lot, or are you a victim of advertising?  Define what it is you are hoping to get from this acquisition, is it pleasure or wellness?  Nothing necessarily wrong with either, just useful to be clear in advance because you will get what you pay for.  Will there be a hangover, as in later maintenance, upkeep or regular attention (as in the cute puppy and the later care of a dog for the next twelve years)?  Where would you store it; is there room?!!

 After all this does it mean that you never shop again?  Absolutely no!!  Take an inventory of those few things you have that really speak to you, that continue to bring you joy years later.  What was it about these things that just worked?  What is it about that thing that you savour? Figure out what is uniquely awesome about that item and use that criteria as part of your shopping agenda and selection process.

 Finally, there is ample research that suggests that amazing experiences far outrank things in term of improving our wellness. 

Happy shopping!!  I hope you like it at least as much as you wanted it.

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CELEBRATE or RUMINATE?

Memories can be both blessings and curses.  When you reflect on your past, do you celebrate or loath these past experiences?  Do you recall the wonderful or the unhappy peaks?  Do you treasure the blessings or ruminate endlessly on your misfortunes?  You have control over what and how you recall your past.  You can frame your yesterdays as a series of disasters, or windfalls, or a blend of both. 

Ruminating is a curious habit that we all engage in, especially in relation to the unfortunate moments in our lives.  You re-play that scene where you said, did or failed to say or do something, and speculate how life would be better had you acted differently. You beat yourself up in an endless cycle of remorse and “What ifness!!”  You are tied to your past in a most unhelpful and generally dysfunctional internal debate.  Honestly, what a waste of time and effort: nothing can or will change.

So what is the remedy? Celebrate your past!  For every mis-step there are many more proper steps and happier endings. Just as you can frame your present circumstances in a more positive light, you can also frame and re-frame your past to include more fortunate memories. 

 It is indeed difficult to accept some of the injustices and unfairness that we are dealt, but to ruminate on these events only makes matters worse. Better to focus on what you can learn from these situations, seek justice where possible, let go and move forward.  But more importantly, actively celebrate your past successes, awesome moments, good luck and serendipitous blessings. 

 Yes there were aspects of last year that went less well but there were far more incidents that exceeded your expectations. When you talk about your job, travels, weather, dinner party, encounters with others, please let us not re-play the mis-steps.  Rather, talk more about your success, the sunsets, sunny days, amazing desserts, awesome re-collections, museums and the fantastic landscapes.  Celebrate your past, what when well and let go of ruminating.

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WHY NOT DEFAULT TO YES and JOY?

If you were to look at the evolution of humans, it is only a very recent phenomena that humans live in a relatively safe and secure environment.  Real risk of injury, illness or death from violence, disease or hardship was everywhere.  It made sense for humans to be cautious, conservative, and ever mindful of what was just around the corner. 100 or 1,000 years ago being an optimist was unwise as there were risks and perils everywhere. Until the early 1900’s life expectancy was in the low 30’s, whereas now in the west it is nearer to 80 years (and in many countries over 80).

Given that premature death and the consequences of illness and injury have been so much delayed or reduced, why do we continue to maintain a defensive, anxious and negative mindset?  The dangers of today are so limited compared to earlier times, but our reflective habits have not been updated.  Being highly pessimistic no longer has the same rewards that it promised in the past as the underlying problems and situations have been resolved or eliminated

A major theme running through many reflections is that it is time to change your default wiring from fight or flight to well-being, joy and optimism. Being less cautious and more positive and optimistic does not mean being reckless or stupid, rather it allows for more joy, wellness and plenty.

Next time you have a choice about how to frame your present moment, allow for the possibility that everything many turn out to be rather wonderful or okay.  Like a computer, re-set your default reflex and reaction to YES and joy rather than NO and fight or flight.

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For further reading you may find the following book inspiring (I certainly did):

Solve For Happy: Engineer Your Path to Joy, Mo Gawdat, bluebird books for life, 2017 

BEING IN THE FLOW

We have all been in the flow** and relish these moments.  This is where one is engaged in an activity which is both high in challenge but matched with a high level of personal skill.  Awareness of time disappears, one is totally absorbed in the task at hand and in a state of peace, joy and total presence in the moment.  In sports, the experience of flow is described as being “in the zone”.   The importance of having a high degree of personal control over your circumstance makes the flow that much more authentic.  By contrast, the opposite of flow is apathy or boredom, where one is using few of one’s skills, and the level of task challenge is low, with generally limited autonomy.

There are challenges to being in the flow, and they can be overcome.  A good place to start is to appreciate the importance of deliberately combining high levels of challenge and skill together.  The synergy of skill and challenge can motivate you to design part of your career or leisure time to allow for more flow situations. 

Creatively and carefully look at your job or leisure time and consider where there are opportunities to develop new skills or challenging opportunities.  Look at some of your more frequent but boring or less satisfying obligations and see if they can be re-engineered to being more skillful or challenging.  I disliked the exams marking aspect of university lecturing.  Subsequently I re-engineered the exam papers, questions, answer booklets, grade allocation/calibration, marking pens, marking space and work space arrangement such that grading was more skillful and properly challenging (though never a joy).  Also see where there are opportunities for increased autonomy and design activities for skill improvement and challenge.

The awesome thing about flow is that by deliberately embedding it into your daily rituals, your occupational and intellectual well-being improves (two of the seven aspects of wellness).  

 **: Mihály Csíkszentmihályi coined and researched flow extensively.  The TedTalk video noted below provides more details on flow:

www.ted.com/talks/mihaly_csikszentmihalyi_on_flow?language=af

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No Sunk Costs

One of the more obvious truisms in economics is the fact that past actions are irrelevant in terms of making choices about what one might do today.  These past decisions are called SUNK COST; being that they are sunk and cannot be reversed, recovered, or revised; what has happened cannot be changed, they are forever sunk.  Whereas the economic and logical truth of the irrelevance of sunk cost and past choices is irrefutable, our emotional attachment to our past and unwillingness to let go of it is often overwhelming.

For example, countless times I have advised and observed learners who seriously dislike accountancy in all its form. When I confront them about their distain and how they ought to pursue a different major and career, the restrain is usual, “I cannot change focus, I have been studying accountancy for three or four years.”  Invariably they graduate with their accountant degree and an adequate grade, and later perhaps a professional designation, but there never was an accountant inside.  They win the education/career battle but lost the education/career war.

Consider what following story by Jason Zweig, a Wall Street Journal investment columnist while he was working with psychologist Daniel Kahneman on writing his book Thinking, Fast and Slow. Zweig tells a story about a personality quirk of Kahneman’s that served him well:

Nothing amazed me more about Danny than his ability to detonate what we had just done,” Zweig wrote. He and Kahneman could work endlessly on a chapter, but: The next thing you know, Kahneman sends a version so utterly transformed that it is unrecognizable: It begins differently, it ends differently, it incorporates anecdotes and evidence you never would have thought of, it draws on research that you’ve never heard of. “When I asked Danny how he could start again as if we had never written an earlier draft,” Zweig continued, “he said the words I’ve never forgotten: ‘I have no sunk costs.’” Sunk costs—anchoring decisions to past efforts that can’t be refunded—are a devil in a world where people change over time. They make our future selves’ prisoners to our past, different, selves. It’s the equivalent of a stranger making major life decisions for you.*

What are your sunk costs that are hindering your progress?  What is it that is time to let go of and move on from?

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*: The Psychology of Money: Timeless lessons on wealth, greed, and happiness by Morgan Housel

Habits

Confucius noted that “All humans are the same, except for their habits.” 

Habits are your natural tendencies or practices.  They determine how you behave or react to a situation and they are automatic reflexes, often unconsciously made.  We are all largely the same biologically, but we differ in how we behave or react to things.

Given that habits define your uniqueness and personality, then maturing habits that enhance contentment and wellness would be constructive. I have struggled to make my intentional activities (the 40% I control) habitual and more beneficial.  Learning to be grateful, positive and reframing problems to possible thinking took a lot of mindful effort.  However, with practice these responses and perspectives became my natural habits - my default reaction.

Habits do have a pattern in their formation.  Repeating the same behavior consistently, deliberately and with mindful determination, for on average for 66 days, make a behavior or response automatic and habitual.   The wonderful reward of building wellness and contentment habits is that you get a subtle but real reward almost immediately and sub-consciously; you feel better quite quickly.  But just like medicine, once you start to feel improved health you often stop taking the medicine.  So also with wellness habits. 

Positive psychology suggests that the most useful and easiest well-being habit to mature is gratitude.  Start a gratitude journal to note your blessings, finding three to five things to be grateful for EVERY day.  Express internally or externally gratitude at every available opportunity (and especially when you are in a difficult situation).  Search for wonder in your present moment. 

Design your wellness program and invest 66 days to see what happens.  Nothing to lose- just take baby steps, one habit at a time.

Think about looking at some of your strengths and making them more habitual and regular.

What other well-being habits might you want to cultivate?

• seeking opportunities for service

• delaying gratification to its most opportune moment

• exercising

• working with your willpower to make it stronger

• wanting less

• practicing resilience

• looking for opportunities to express your purpose. 

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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For further reading, if you are interested:

How are habits formed: Modelling Habit Formation in the Real World,  Phillippa Lally,  Cornelia H. M. van Jaarsveld,  Henry W. W. Potts,  Jane Wardle; European Journal of Social Psychology, 16 July 2009, https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.674.

CONFIDENCE AND RISK TAKING

Consider a small child learning to do something for the first time: they fail at activities many times over, but they keep persisting until they do it, with encouragement from their parents. As we get older, we gradually become more and more cautious, as each perceived failure eats away at our ability to take risks. If we are not careful, we can end up with a life in which we live totally and only within our comfort zones, never taking any risks at all. Sounds good to you? Well, that kind of life can feel stifling in the end, and lead to later life regrets.

 If you are confident in yourself but do not take risks related to this faith in yourself, this could easily be false confidence.  If you have faith in yourself that you can do something but do not test that ability by doing something challenging (and potentially failing), then that confidence is likely shallow or misplaced.  By taking risks and pushing your given abilities, your confidence and faith in yourself matures.  Your confidence grows as your continue to challenge yourself.

 Confidence and risk taking are two sides of the same coin; they can mutually build up or undermine each other.  If you are confident you should reasonably be more able to do more challenging tasks.  Taking risks and exploring new opportunities to grow increases your abilities and the assurance you have in these skills. Conversely, not testing yourself stalls your improvement and inhibits getting better.  Soon not taking risk becomes the norm and your skills are constrained.

 Risk taking enhances your confidence and confidence can encourage you to take more risk. Managed together you will grow and experience a more complete and purposeful sense of well-being.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Your “One” Sentence

In 1962, Clare Boothe Luce, one of the first women to serve in the U.S. Congress, offered some advice to President John F. Kennedy. “A great man,” she told him, “is one sentence.” Abraham Lincoln’s sentence was: “He preserved the union and freed the slaves.” Franklin Roosevelt’s was: “He lifted us out of a great depression and helped us win a world war.*

You don’t need to be the president of the USA, or your local PTA, to ponder this curious challenge. At the core of this one sentence summary is the issue: What is your PURPOSE? What larger than life goal gets you up in the morning and inspires you to want to make a difference?  Rather than imagining your eulogy or shortened CV, the one sentence summary of your purpose cuts to the quick of what really matters to you.

In fairness, I think you really have two short sentences. 

The first, is the overarching sense of purpose as it relates to your relationship and spiritual journey.  What does your soul yearn for?  How do you want to be remembered by the people in your life that are your heritage and legacy? What soulful difference do you want to make to them? This sentence stays relatively constant, but how you actualize it changes with time.

The second, less important but still significant, one sentence would relate to your sphere of influence, be that work, family or within your community.  For me, that sentence has significantly evolved as my career matured and I more clearly understood the potential purpose of what my career might do, but for others their purpose and goals may look very different.  When I started lecturing over forty years ago, I could not have imagined how profoundly I could make a difference to my learners.  Similarly, depending on where your sphere of influence resides, the way you can purposely make a difference changes. When you are younger, it can be more of a challenge to define that larger opportunity, but don’t wait until you are in your fifties to articulate your sentence.  The clearer and sooner that sentence is written, the more chance you have to see it effectively realised.

As you contemplate your purpose, begin with the big question: What are your two  sentences?

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us by Daniel H. Pink

Framing (and Reframing) your Experiences

 Framing is a description of how your mind captures and perceives your experiences or circumstances on a moment by moment basis. Continuously while you are awake, events are occurring around you and your brain is trying to make sense of them.  Your senses receive various stimuli and your mind builds a picture of this moment.  Up to 90% of that experience is how the mind framed or pictured it, and as little as 10% is objective reality.

 As upwards of 90% of a moment is a matter of perception and framing, that means you have a lot of opportunity to make your present reality (NOW) wonderful, painful, awful, joyful or many other emotions in-between.  What frame of mind you start with is powerful. 

 What is your default tone? Is it positive or negative, awesome or awful, optimistic or pessimistic? You are your own spin doctor and that initial spin taints everything.

 One of the more insightful books on wellness that I have read is by Martin Seligman and it is called ‘Learned Optimism’.  Seligman, backed by substantial research findings, suggests that you can activity learn how to frame (or reframe) your circumstances to view them in a more positive light. 

 Experiment with whatever you are doing at this moment.  How many ways could this moment be captured?  Frame it as many different ways as you can imagine.  Practice reframing your first impressions. Watch your initial reflexes: are they helpful or harmful?  Deliberately, consciously and vocally put a positive spin on your present moment. Find that “silver lining” of your NOW.  Yes, it is raining BUT the plants are pleased.  Yes, X is a difficult person BUT they are in a tough place.   YES BUT…. 

 After a while constructive and affirmative re-framing and framing will become a mindful habit.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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WE ALL KNOW WHAT TO DO BUT …

Jean-Claude Juncker, the past president of the European Commission, noted about politicians that, “We all know what to do, we just don’t know how to get re-elected after we’ve done it.”  He was speaking about climate change, but I think it is a wise summary of the current populist nature of our political culture and dialogue.  Is getting re-elected more important than doing the right thing?

Unfortunately, the nature of so many challenging dilemmas that society faces requires making trade-offs which will have BOTH positive and negative consequences for us.  Whether the issue is climate change, migration, health care, re-distribution of income, terrorism, or diversity it may have an effect on OUR PERSONAL prosperity and standard of living. THERE NEVER WAS SUCH A THING AS A FREE LUNCH.  To expect others to bear the costs and you can get a free ride on the benefits of the solution is naïve, short sighted and extremely selfish.

Difficult issues require careful consideration and tolerance of all the parties, both those advantaged and dis-advantaged by the remedy.   There is so much attention given to simple, popular solutions to problems, but do we give proper attention to the complexities and implicit trade-offs imbedded in the public policy dilemmas?  Seeking to realize the immediate benefits of a solution and to tax later generations with the financial and other costs is selfish.  Are we leaving the world a better place for our children and grandchildren or are we eating their lunch? These residual but real consequences should be contemplated now rather than kicked down the road.

Democracy is about more than the majority getting what they want, but also showing respect and accommodation for those on the minority side.  Compromise, respecting and engaging with those we disagree with is a measure of healthy, wellness oriented societies.  Appreciate that policies to address issues will take years or generations to resolve.  Politicians should be afforded some latitude and grace to impose costly short term costs on society for the advantage of later generations.  Climate change is clearly one of those challenges.

Please cut those in difficult leadership roles some slack.  Admire those leaders that make choices that may undermine their re-election prospects.  Likely those are the honourable and noble ones who are actually confronting the hard realities, and not the opportunists.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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