THE FIVE-MINUTE ETHICS COURSE

I will never forget one particular learning experience:  a learner (student) in my course taught me a method to test whether an action was ethical or not, all in under five minutes.  I have experimented with the system he taught me, and it seems pretty much bullet proof. 

If you are confronted with an ethical dilemma and your answer is a confident YES TO ALL THREE of these questions, it is highly likely that what you are contemplating IS ETHICAL.  If one answer is a NO, then you are likely offside.

First, apply the Golden-Rule Test, which is: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. (Or the Confucian form which is: Don’t do unto others as you would not have others do unto you.)  If someone did what you are considering to you would you be offended, harmed or displeased?  Reciprocity or tit-for-tat is an essential test for much of our behaviour.

Second, the Role-Model Test, which is:  If you were a parent would you want your child to do what you are considering?  Would you want to set this action up as an example which your offspring would follow and consider “normal”? Is this the type of role modeling you want to promote?

Third, the Front-Page Test, which is: If you had editorial privilege and the entire front page of the newspaper, could you fully explain and justify your action to an objective, informed and diligent reader?  By definition, ethical dilemmas are complex, full of contextual details and awkward trade-offs.  Would a thoughtful and independent observer, after evaluating the full circumstance of your situation, decide in your favour, or at least give you the benefit of the doubt? 

I have shared these tests with many and pondered them, appraising situations I have heard about or experienced through their lens. I would recommend this five-minute ethics course as highly effective, and a good primer for life.  It is simple enough to teach young children, and robust enough to guide seasoned professionals.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please share freely and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

CIRCLES OF COMPETENCE

My career was blessed by two simple but fortunate decisions I made in my early teens.  The first was to decide very clearly what I did not want to do or become and avoided these topics and subjects like they were the plague.  Secondly, I listened carefully to my heart and head at the same time, and heard what they suggested in terms of what I was naturally better at or interested in.

I sensed early on that I was better with numbers than the arts.  Next, I observed that I preferred dollar signs to co-sines, so I pursued business rather than engineering studies.  I was more comfortable being loud than quiet, and made lots of similarly small trade-offs. What I deliberately did was to make the circle of what I was better at or more interested in smaller and smaller. 

Warren Buffett calls this “staying within your circle of competence”.

What this means is to decrease the range or breadth of things you find meaningful, whilst at the same time increasing the depth of how you understand and improve the skills related to this body of knowledge and expertise.  I mindfully stumbled into things that spoke to me emotionally and intellectually, committed to what I was expected to learn, was privately proud of my self-learning and let these insights wholeheartedly lead me on. By my middle twenties I found my career and in my early thirties I discovered my calling.

What was critical was to always stay within my decreasing circle of competence.  And at the same time, to TOTALLY BUY-IN WITH HEART, BODY AND SOUL. Decreasing the scale but increasing the scope of my world was awesome and completely ME.  It became easier and easier to enter a state of flow where a sense of self and time disappeared, where high challenge was coupled with high levels of skill.  A career becoming a calling that happened organically.  Even now I still discover or re-invent new circles of competence which I get totally excited about.  I focused almost exclusively on my strengths, but managed my weaknesses where unavoidable.

You can do the same: find, invest in, commit to and be proud of your circles of competence.

Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

Please share freely and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

YOU MISS 100% OF THE SHOTS YOU DON’T MAKE

Wayne Gretzky made the above observation about hockey (and life).  There are many versions of this saying, and they all make the same point: without commitment, risk taking and effort, you will miss out on many of life’s opportunities.

 Having had the opportunity to observe thousands of university learners, it is rather easy to identify those that are likely to be successful, and those who are less likely to be so.  What distinguishes the achievers is their willingness to be seen and heard, and a keenness to risk being wrong for the reward of being right and learning something extra (getting a goal).  The under-achievers take few risks and seem to actively sabotage their opportunities by apparent indifference and disengagement.  Luckily, most pupils are somewhere in-between, but could easily up their game.

 This shows itself very markedly with regard to student participation in classes.  Many students are fearful of embarrassing themselves with a wrong answer, and convince themselves others will ridicule them.  They miss 100% of the opportunities that interaction affords. 

 Having watched the classroom dynamics for many years, there are two conclusions I note from those that humbly engage: 

Others almost always judge those that engage very compassionately.  There is a calm and real kindness, a silent respect, for that person interacting, as others admire that person putting themselves at risk (and silently thinking, “I would have said that”.

Even more rarely is a response or suggestion completely wrong.  Generally, at least part of what was noted had merit.  More importantly, the act of engagement made the situation feel more inclusive and collaborative.

 Pause for a moment and reflect, when someone speaks, do you judge them harshly or unkindly?  Likely you don’t, unless that person’s ego is large or they are attention seeking.  Taking shots at learning and life opportunities by risking a wrong or stupid answer or idea is the key to critical thinking, progress, promotions and finding your calling.

 Provided one is humble and respectful, whether in the classroom or the workplace, putting your ideas and suggestions forward will reward you richly.  And once in a while you will certainly score a goal – so be courageous and take a risk!

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please share freely and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

BEING and/or DOING?

We seem to spend so much time doing that we forget we are human beings, not human doings. But how does one get from doing to being? By recognizing that the only thing we have is the present moment – the past is past, and the future is still ahead of us. We need to live in the NOW.

There are two cycles we are perpetually involved in: the doing and the being aspects of life.  The DOING, DO, DONE loop of life is important but it should not overwhelm the BE, BEING sequence.   Regularly one should acknowledge that actions and busyness are FINISHED, and it is time to smell the coffee and savour and relish the moment.

Just being in the moment means appreciating what has been done, being quiet, and being at peace.  It means consciously stopping and evaluating before you go from one relentless task to another. That is what NOW is all about.  Regularly taking an inventory of your blessings, achievements and progress settles the spirit and improves your well-being.

Forever pursuing tasks and doing more is exhausting and is well served with the occasional reflective moments.  Maybe meditation is not your cup of tea but invent your own calming exercises.  Setting aside chill out breaks recharges the brain, encourages creative thinking, problem solving and well-being. 

 Four of the ten positive emotions are about experiencing and being in the moment.  They are amusement, awe, inspiration and interest.  Being in the now means engaging your various senses to non-judgementally savour and capture whatever is around you.  Challenge yourself to smile, find beauty and joy in what is going around you.   There are so many grand things going on around and within you, but maybe you just aren’t seeing them. 

 Challenge your powers of observation to record the amusing, awesome, inspiring and interesting things about your present moment. You might find this very hard to begin with, but practice makes it easier, and it will improve your mood and probably your productivity too!

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please share freely and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

RESILIENCE

Recently I visited a museum which aimed to highlight the living conditions of the local working class population at various time intervals in history – it went back to 1805 and then each subsequent house advanced on another 50 years. What immediately struck me was how primitive and harsh life was back then, and more alarming still, two of the examples were from 1955 and 1985 in the UK.  Some of the examples had no flush toilets, hot running water, central heating, vacuum cleaners, colour TV or many of the other conveniences we assume are necessities today.

 I speculated that life then had as many wonderful and special moments of joy and wellness as we have today.  Then, as now, likely 30% of those living in the UK would have rated their life as very happy (see September 23 Reflection, THE EXCHANGE RATE BETWEEN MONEY AND WELLNESS).  Once the hurdle of serious poverty is overcome, more money does not translate into more wellness. 

As I looked at these simpler environments of earlier generations, I admired the bravery and determination of those bygone years and wondered what the missing link today was?   Resilience and tenacity, I concluded.  Life was tough, creature comforts were limited, but people still got up in the morning with purpose and a smile.

 Unfortunately, today we seem to expect comfort and convenience or else we complain.  Rather than looking inside for purpose we turn to Amazon or the internet for a remedy.  A better prescription would be resilience.  Training one’s resilience occurs when one mindfully adjusts to and positively embraces your current circumstance, especially when it is less than ideal. 

 Being without something you want, savouring the longing and then resolving that you are better without it matures your emotional suppleness and makes you a better person.  Being determined to want less and being grateful for what you have demonstrates what your real needs are.  This focuses your tenacious energy to do what is necessary to achieve your higher goal. 

 Wonderfully, exercising one’s resilience and tenacity is, of itself, empowering, joyful and uplifting.

  Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please share freely and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

THE EXCHANGE RATE BETWEEN MONEY AND WELLNESS

Does money buy wellness?  We assume the answer is yes, but is it?  Regularly we read of wealthy people destroying their lives despite their riches.  We fantasize that were we a little richer, life would be awesome forever.  We work tirelessly for a financial reward, assuming that just around the corner lies wellness and bliss. 

Two of the more respected researchers ** on wellness investigated the money – wellness dilemma and below are their conclusions.

“Research does suggest there is a relationship between money and wellness.  At very low levels of earnings, money does improve overall wellness and life satisfaction.  However, we can say that the research on this topic tells us that it is generally good for your happiness to have money, but toxic to your happiness to want money too much.  A high income can help happiness, but is no sure path to it.  Therefore, readers must determine the motives underlying their desire for money, and not sacrifice too much in the pursuit of wealth.  It is important not only to spend money wisely, but to earn it wisely as well."

“That is, although money and happiness are linked, the effect of money on happiness is often not large.  Income appears to buy happiness, but the exchange rate isn’t great.  Extra dollars often amount to modest gains in happiness.”

A phenomena called the ‘Easterlin paradox’ notes that over the past fifty years or more, per capital income adjusted for inflations has more than doubled, but measures of personal happiness in the West have remained constant at 30%, meaning that about 30% of the population would describe themselves as happy.

I don’t know about you, but that sounds like excellent news to me. This empowers me to seek other means to improve my well-being besides money and focus my time and attention on more effective wellness improvement strategies.

Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

Please share freely and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

**: Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth by Ed Diener, Robert Biswas-Diener

THE ASK

For several years I was involved in a not-for-profit organization, where fund raising was a continuous challenge and necessity.  What I learned early on about fund raising (internally called revenue development) is that if you never ask donors for funds, you rarely get a donation.  One of the more common replies from potential donors was, “You never asked, so I never gave.”  So we asked and they made a contribution (often sizable) to our cause. 

 Asking can be unsettling and uncomfortable, but it does get results.  Asking certainly works better than not asking.  As Wayne Gretzky said:

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

And so it is with not putting in your request: it won’t happen if you don’t ask.

 Asking, if done sincerely and respectfully, empowers the asker. It reflects your authority and confidence in yourself by admitting you are in need of assistance.  The helper has a skill or resource you are in short supply of, and can feel privileged to be of assistance to you.  Being an asset to someone else enables the helper to actively show compassion and love, a true honour.  Asking is not a sign of weakness; rather an admission that you have limitations and cannot do everything.

 A useful introduction to an ASK request is to openly acknowledge that the other person may have other demands on their time or resources.  Start by saying,  “I know you are busy but were you to have time could you ……”  This shows you are mindful of their agenda and soften the imposition of your need.  This will materially improve the overall effectiveness of your request.

 To make your request more valuable ensure that you express appreciation for the help you received.  Saying “Thank You” makes the asking cycle complete, as it uplifts the other person.  Without an explicit thanks, asking can make the helper feel taken for granted and depreciated rather than appreciated.

 It’s okay to ask, just do it respectfully

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please share freely and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

HESITATION

Who doesn’t hesitate at least occasionally, if not often?  While in a warm shower, who wants to get out?  A few more minutes in bed?

“I should phone so and so.” “I should start the painting”.  We have all been there a hundred times. Joseph Addison wrote the often quoted line, “He who hesitates is lost,” yet we persist in our inability to move on or engage.

Hesitation is a combination of reluctance, fear and pleasure (short term,) prevailing over wellness (long term).  Hesitation is costly not only in lost time, but more importantly opportunities foregone.

One day I accidently came across the simplest, most effective and cheapest solution to the hesitation dilemma.  Mel Robbins coined The 5 Second Rule* and my, does it work.  When you are in one of those hesitation situations you simply say,

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1, GO”

and you enact whatever you are delaying, fearful of, or debating.  Get out of the shower, bed, say hello, leave or whatever.  Mel got the idea from watching a rocket launch where they say 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, LIFTOFF and so she launched her own career as a motivational speaker on overcoming hesitation. Why 5 to 1, not 1 to 5?  That is part of the success formula, as counting up has no limit but counting down does hit a limit, and you have no alternative but to go.

I have shared this effective remedy with others and it really works.  Soon you appreciate that over thinking, stopping, and second guessing yourself are just defense strategies to avoid your current situation.  And then you learn that whatever you are reluctant to do was actually not that bad – you just have to get started sometimes – and that is the hardest bit.

I heartily recommend the video link below for more inspiration:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSn-L9IXbOY

5, 4, 3, 2, 1, GO  and click the link above (I dare you).

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

When Preparation meets Opportunity

Some people just seem to be so lucky or blessed.  Life just seems to go their way. Why so??  Why not me?

One view suggests that luck is passive, random and largely beyond one’s control. Good things might happen to me, but I do not cause them to happen.  Another view is that luck is less random and is often caused or encouraged by mindful intervention.

Steven Leacock has said, “I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more of it I have.” I think that being lucky in life largely occurs when preparation meets opportunity.

One can significantly increase one’s likelihood of good fortune in life by consciously maturing skills and attitudes that are useful in one’s line of work. Putting yourself at risk and exposing yourself to opportunity is also a major factor. So many people miss out on opportunities because they do not put themselves forward, often from the mistaken belief that they are not good enough.

 For your career or calling, start by learning your craft and developing your skills, observing closely the rules of the game in your profession and identifying influencers or key players in that area.  Start walking the walk and talking the talk. Be authentic and focused, but also be realistic. Unrealistic hopes are bound to disappoint; but realistic aspirations, deliberately planned, seem to yield “luckier” outcomes. This is the preparation part.

Next, start looking for those opportunities.  Put yourself at risk and expose yourself to situations where opportunities related to your calling or aspirations are present. Cause opportunity by going outside your comfort zone and try networking beyond your traditional circle of acquaintances. Invest some of your leisure time to researching in detail the more complex aspects of your goal.

An important ingredient of luck is to be in the right place at the right time, with the requisite skills.  Strategically do your preparation and imagine not only your next move, but your next several moves – having a plan doesn’t mean it will succeed, but it has to be better than having no plan at all.

It is no coincidence that those who work harder and smarter seem to be luckier. And once the ball starts rolling, luck seems to multiply and flow more easily.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

FOLLOWERSHIP AND FELLOWSHIP

There is so much discussion and focus on leadership and leadership skills. If one listens to this chatter one might think there was a shortage of able and honourable leaders and a leadership crisis.  If there is a problem, is it at the leader or follower end of the spectrum?  Likely a bit of both, but it might be useful and fair to look at the followership issue.  As in sports, does firing the coach necessarily solve a team’s poor performance for more than a game or two, or are the players the more likely culprit?

Most of us will forever be followers, and escape the challenge of being a senior leader.  Heads of organizations need to make complex trade-offs, absorb immense information, meet countless people, travel tirelessly and work significantly longer hours than we do. Are we being fair, objective or informed?

 If there are leadership skills, there are also followership skills.  Let’s start with giving the leader the benefit of the doubt: maybe we need to second-guess question them less often.  Let’s appreciate the complexity of the choices and trade-offs that have to be made.  Do we use the same scale when we evaluate our own behaviors?   What about the fact the boss does not have perfect information, and has to make judgement calls and predictions?  Is it reasonable that we have a tendency to assume those in authority as having less moral or ethical character then we have?  Using hindsight to second guess the superior’s decision can be a little harsh. Let’s accept the fact that leaders, like followers, are trying their very best given their natural limitations.

 I am not suggesting that we blindly follow leaders.  Rather it is accepting that often those in authority will make different choices than we might.  Where we disagree, let’s invest the effort to get as informed on the matter as we can, or else hold our fire. 

 Followership is a willingness to give up power for a higher collective good. Being an excellent subordinate is more than team work and collaboration.  It speaks to the notions of letting go of power, independence and finding internal resources to make the process of being led more agreeable. 

 Followership and fellowship share many common themes; that of being cooperative, tolerant, fair minded, inclusive and deferring to others for the good of the larger entity.

 Better followership will lead to improved fellowship (including with the leaders) for those accepting their leaders and their leadership.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please share freely and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

FRIENDS AND DECISION MAKING

Imagine you have to make a major decision like choosing a life partner, a new job, or buying a home.  Behind all these opportunities is the same objective, being, will your choice improve your well-being?   You consider the pros and cons, costs and benefits, and worry yourself silly.  There is one problem in all this analysis, you are by design TOTALLY SUBJECTIVE and cannot reasonably make a proper conclusion.  Likely you will second guess yourself and lose your sense of perspective.  Here is where close friends or those with local knowledge can help you.  You have to ask the right person the right question.

 To start, don’t ask the obvious question which is, “Should I do x?”  This will make your advisor very reluctant to be candid, as they fear what they will say the wrong thing or they’ll be held accountable if you follow their advice and things go poorly.  In all likelihood you will get safe or evasive advice. 

 Instead, go back to the underlying issue, which is your well-being much later on.  Rather ask, “Do you think doing x will improve my happiness and well-being in a few years?”   This is a more speculative question which the respondent can more honestly and helpfully answer.  That person can reply using their personal knowledge of you or the matter at hand. Likely their answer will help you consider areas you had not imagined. Most importantly, they are concerned about your well-being but are more objective, as an outsider can see sometimes appreciate the issues as it affects you better than you can. 

 Besides asking the better question, choose the right person to ask.  If it is a new job, ask someone who is familiar with the position.  Moving, someone who lives there already, etc.

 Too often when we make big decisions we focus on the most obvious aspects of the opportunity and forget that it those smaller quirks that will make or break your later well-being.  Yes, the view is amazing (pay great, person is beautiful), but what are the neighbors or parking like as this will influence your long term wellness more than an awesome vista (or more income).  Others are much better at seeing or imagining the longer term consequences of your choices on your happiness and their objective or informed input should be wisely welcomed.

 Remember to keep your cup gratefully smaller.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

OVER-STIMULATED

About 10,000 years ago, scientists believe, humans began to farm.  For the previous hundreds of thousands of years, we were nomadic small clans that engaged in hunting and gathering activities.  This change in lifestyle had a remarkable impact on our brains. 

 Prior to this transition, the number of people we knew was limited to the size of our group, likely less than fifty.  Our possessions were few, at maximum a few dozen.  Our terrain was not larger than 5,000 square kilometres.  Our workday was only three or four hours. Our knowledge base was limited to what was necessary for survival and protection from illness and injury.  No clocks: only the sun and moon to determine our day and night.  Money had not been invented.  Life may have been short, but it was a lot less complicated.  Our brain was stimulated at the appropriate level, it was happy and fit for purpose.

 And then we started to farm!  Agriculture was a more efficient way of providing for our nutritional needs.  This change allowed communities to develop several hundreds of members and more possessions as we were now stationary.  Trade and specialization within and between communities developed.  Life got much more complicated and stressful.  Our brain was beginning to be taxed, but it was okay.

 Today, our brain is no longer fit for purpose.  Multi-tasking, social media, commerce, cities of tens of thousands or millions, materialism and the accumulation of possessions, and friends and acquaintances in the hundreds (through social media) can be overwhelming.  The sheer number of relationships, tasks, possessions, and data exceeds our minds capacity to cope with calmly.  By all measures our minds are over-stimulated and things are only getting worse.

 It is time to de-clutter and de-stress our lives: time to start reducing the number of stimuli we experience or things we do.  Fewer is much better, but what to leave in and what to leave out? Simpler is calmer; re-centring our wellbeing.  Restated, what do I have to start doing less of?  Less news?  Reduced social media? Stop pretending I can multi-task effectively? Less hurrying about and endlessly setting myself deadlines? What do I have to do more of?  More quiet time?  More reflective and meditative activities?  Deeper friendships? 

 As we cannot re-wire or increase our brain’s capacity, what should we do instead? The issue is not work-life balance but rather life-wellness balancing.  Start with setting priorities and mindfully leaving activities in or out of our daily routines.  Experiment with less and then add more of what really matters.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please share freely and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

JET LAG

Recently I travelled and was blessed with jet lag.  Yes, BLESSED!!  I had not experienced jet lag in almost two years, and what a total joy it was.  Why?  Because jet lags means I have travelled at least six or more time zones away and must be in a very different environment  / continent.  And isn’t that what travelling is all about?

 Jet lag takes about three days to get over, with the second afternoon and night being less than comfortable or complete, but after that your body clock resets and the adventure really starts.

 Like many of the more special experiences of life, there are some downsides but also immense upsides.  Some inconveniences are generally the price we pay for the awesome memories. 

 The saying ‘No pain, no gain’ is, in my experience, absolutely true.  It doesn’t take long for the gains to materialize and the pains to disappear from our awareness and recollection. 

 I admit that initially I am very aware  of the challenges and costs of engaging in a new activity. However, I approach these teething challenges as the price to be paid.  Knowing in advance there will be “jet lag” makes the actual occurrence more manageable.  Instead, I try to focus on the benefit any  challenges afford.  Causing awesome memoires often requires an adventurous spirit, willing to seek out new knowledge and experiences.  The pains and the gains merge into new and vibrant recollections that will be savoured  for a very long time.

 There is a 100% effective and safe cure for jet lag: never journey far from home.  If one never changes and tries new experiences, then the adjustments and challenges of new adventures will never be felt.  Certainly, there will be few pains, but similarly there will be few gains.  Look carefully at your cost-benefits and consider am I playing things too safe? Maybe it would be advantageous to live with a little more risk taking and uncertainty.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please share freely and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

WHY AM I HERE?

The psychiatrist Viktor Frankl wrote in his book “Man’s Search For Meaning”,

“He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.”*

Frankl concluded that what mankind needs is not a tensionless state but rather the striving and struggling for some goal worthy of oneself. What s/he needs is not the discharge of tension at any cost, but the call of a potential meaning waiting to be fulfilled by oneself.

His famous book, ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’ written in 1946, tells the story of how he survived the Holocaust by finding personal meaning in the experience. This gave him the will to live through it.  His view of life is based on the premise that man’s underlying motivator in life is a “will to find meaning, even in the most difficult of circumstances.”  

Frankl pointed to research which indicated a strong relationship between “meaninglessness” and criminal behaviours, addictions and depression. Without meaning, people fill the void with hedonistic pleasures, power, materialism, hatred, boredom, or neurotic obsessions and compulsions. Some may also strive for Suprameaning, the ultimate meaning in life, a spiritual kind of meaning that depends solely on a greater power outside of personal or external control. While Frankl rarely touches on the topic of the pursuit of happiness, he is very concerned with satisfaction and fulfilment in life.**

Asking and answering the question “Why am I here?” as it relates to your life opens a wonderful internal debate as to what your personal purpose is.   The clearer your personal mission statement is defined, the more likely life is to be fulfilling.  There will be struggles and trade-offs to achieve your goals, but this tension is empowering.

So, what is your WHY and what are you going to do with and about your WHY?? 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

*:             "Man's Search For Meaning: The classic tribute to hope from the Holocaust" by Viktor E Frankl.  The US Library of Congress described the book as one of  "the ten most influential books in the United States."

**:            https://www.pursuit-of-happiness.org/history-of-happiness/viktor-frankl/

BEING ALIGNED

When a car is in alignment it travels down the road in a straight line, even when one lets go of the steering wheel.  When it is out of alignment, it veers to the left or the right, and eventually ends up way off course. If we are not in alignment, our wellbeing ends up being undermined in a similar way. Initially you may hardly notice any difference, but over time, you can find yourself seriously off balance.

So, when we think of wellbeing, what are the elements of alignment? A simple and effective summary of alignment is: Head, Heart and Hand (or thinking, feeling and doing).  Are your thoughts, emotions and actions consistent, or are some aspects of your being pulling you off-course? It is extremely difficult to be in total harmony, but when there is significant conflict between these three dimensions there is certain to be trouble ahead.

Hands are the dependent variable in our internal harmony, they take instructions from either the head or heart, and sometimes both.  Hands are the actionable tools in our public display of who we are. Sometimes both our heads (our thoughts) and our hearts (our feelings) are in harmony, but it is not always easy to hold an appropriate tension between these two.

Our heads can get so caught up in rationalizing (slow thinking) that we forget to act and just end up procrastinating, as our thoughts tie us up in impossible dilemmas or conundrums. Without strong emotions, we fail to act.

Similarly, our hearts (feelings) can prompt us to much kinder decisions which are ultimately much better for our wellbeing, but feelings can also be misleading, and we can run away with our emotions. They need to be policed by our thoughts to make wise, not impulsive, decisions. 

To better manage our wellness is it useful to check in periodically and see how well we are aligned.  Are our hands taking too much instruction from our head and not listening enough to our quiet heart and soul, or are we listening too much to our feelings and not enough to our heads? 

Our best long term navigator is when our hands, heart and hands work together in alignment.  Then the heart, acting like a moral compass, ponders the reputational consequences of our thoughts and steers us accordingly.

Reflection Source:

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

COMPASSION

What an interesting word “compassion” is.  Is compassion the same as empathy, sympathy, or subtly different?  Are they synonyms?  Like shades of any colour, these three emotions are close.  I would suggest that compassion is a richer and more vivid colour.

A good place to start would be with definitions:

Compassion: a deep sympathy for the sorrows of others, with an urge to alleviate their pain.

Empathy:  ability to imagine oneself in the condition of another, a vicarious participation in another’s emotions.

Sympathy: a general kinship with another’s feelings, no matter of what kind. *

So what?  Maybe a lot, maybe a little.  What I note is that the term empathy seems to be the most common of these emotions.  Is this because empathy best describes the feeling, or do we mean compassion? 

The psychologist Paul Bloom** carefully analysed empathy and suggests that society would be better served with rational compassion.   He notes that empathy (and sympathy), are kind, but is it helpful for the person in grief?  Both are passive and immediate, but are they concerned with solving the underlying challenge? Both focus on a specific instance or person (which he called the spotlight effect), but too often do not engage with the complexity of a situation, or with the larger community of others in similar conditions.

So, what does Paul Bloom suggest?  One should step back from the immediate situation, look at the larger set of circumstances, and carefully consider any uncomfortable trade-offs that may be required to address the troubling dilemma. Compassion is about alleviating a pain, which is more than feeling sorry. He encourages compassion for the larger community in similar situations, rather than dwelling on the specific individual.   Compassion is about solving challenging problems rather than focusing on symptoms and quick fixes.

Compassion is effortful and uncomfortable.  It is about asking difficult questions, saying NO and rationing scarce resources, be they emotional, spiritual or financial.  But, in the longer run, compassion does more for mankind because it solves future difficulties that we will not hear about because they are gone.  Which may just be the real point.

Reflection Source: www.Smalmercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

 *:  The Free Dictionary by Farlex

**: Paul Bloom, Against Empathy, the Case for Rational Compassion

THE ROCKING CHAIR TEST*

Occasionally, we must make difficult decisions or trade-offs.  Earlier, I suggested the “eulogy test,” where you consider how others will remember you based on what your choices were.  Another decision-making test along this line is the “rocking chair test”.  The difference is that, rather than asking how others will remember you, you challenge yourself to imagine how you will remember yourself and your choices. 

This decision-making test asks you to imagine you are in your senior years and in your favourite rocking chair.  You are looking back on your life and career, and the decisions you made.  From this perspective, look at your current choice and how you might remember and judge this decision years later.  As you reflect on this matter, do you imagine you would smile, frown, feel regret, or be thankful, based on your actions? The rocking chair test opens a conversation with yourself that asks:

Is this matter really that important or significant in the long run?  Why?

Will  I regret not doing this?

Am I being too risk adverse?  What is stopping me from doing this? Are my anxieties real or imagined?

What is the worst that could or would happen?

Will my choice make my own and others’ lives better?

Will this matter make my bucket list more complete?  Does it belong in my bucket list?

Will this opportunity come around a second time?

Will I share this experience with my family as something to remember me by or provide guidance for their life?

Will my choice likely go into the good or bad decision column?

The rocking chair test will likely encourage you to say YES more often, and NO occasionally, when your desire for short-term pleasure opposes your long-term joy and wellness.  Being in my early rock chair years, I do recommend making YES your default choice.

Reflection Source: www.Smalmercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

*: Nicky Gumbel, The Bible in One Year – a Commentary

THE FIRST THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD HUMAN

I recently listened to a futuristic TEDx talk by Aubrey De Grey*.  He suggested that the first thousand-year-old human has already been born! He was excited and enthusiastic that the science was there to make it all come together soon…  the aging process could be stalled, and cell regeneration and other remedies started instead.  He seemed to imply that longevity was the ultimate holy grail for the all science, the goal of life itself.

My reaction was one of feeling troubled, but also rather pleased that I was likely to escape a 1,000 (or even 100) year fate.  I am older and very content to be nearing my best before date.  To imagine that the point or goal of my life is to live for an extremely long time is to misstate or misunderstand my personal raison d’etre; nothing is  further from the truth.

Is the meaning of life to merely live the longest, or is it to live a good life? Is the solution to mortality immortality?  Is being finite better than being infinite?  We are blessed with mortal and finite limitations, but it is our potential while in the finite stage that most inspires me.

Does living for longer necessarily enhance the overall quality of life? My personal guess is mine would be materially reduced.  If I had that much time, where would purpose fit in? Why concern oneself with living purposefully when there is always tomorrow?  Knowing I am mortal focuses my attention on making the most of my limited time on earth.  Take purpose  away from me and I might as well play with my smart phone ten hours a day and top that off with several hours of Netflix.  Longevity is not in opposition to purpose, but it could readily take away its importance. Time has a wonderful way of clarifying one’s attention.

I would rather live deliberately and purposefully, and experience the richness and awe of life, than be in some contest as to who can outlive others without purpose.  As I get older, the notion of purpose becomes more urgent, precisely because there is an end in sight. 

Many of you may disagree with me and that is wonderful. Please  consider how central purpose is to your life and live/plan your finite life accordingly.

*: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvWtSUdOWVI

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

C.V. OR EULOGY?

During our career, we develop a C.V  that summarizes our employment skills and achievements.  This proudly exaggerates (let’s be honest) what we have done.  When you read your résumé, don’t you smile at some of those milestones along the way; how those early successes now look so minor, but at the time they were huge?  They all helped to get you to where you are today.

While you were accumulating all that experience and expertise, you were also crafting your eulogy. What a different text that is!  Rather than describing what you did or can do, it summarizes how you are remembered.  Rather than being framed as a human doing, the eulogy sees you as a human being: what were your endearing qualities, virtues and quirks that made you the person you were.  Your morals and values are the central pieces of your eulogy, not your wealth, education, or titles.

Your C.V and eulogy need not be in conflict: there is a wonderful synergy between the two if you keep your eye on the long term.  As you build your career, regularly compare your achievements against an ethical/morale code and see how they measure up.  What do these feats suggest about your character, integrity, wisdom, and judgement?  Fortunately, your past will come to bless (or haunt) you.  Keeping your eulogy in the back of your mind is a powerful self-correcting device to keep you on a better path.  Small upstanding actions early in your career will make your skill development more significant and remarkable. 

Smarter hiring and promotion strategy look for integrity first: you can always train someone to become more skilful.  Training someone to be honourable or virtuous does not work very well or easily, because it must come from within and naturally.  I will always prefer a person of average skill but strong ethics over a brilliant person with suspicious ethics.

Independent of your résumé, it is important to pause and imagine how you will be remembered.  What difference did you really make?  Will you be remembered for your kindness and selflessness, or will it be just the toys and the titles you acquired? And be mindful that the more joyful and redeeming your eulogy, the more purposeful and successful your actual career likely was. 

          Physically distance (when required), but never socially distance.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

PROCRASTINATION

Being recently retired and having an abundance of time, I often find myself procrastinating far too much.  Add to this three month of lockdown and it is especially disappointing how little I can achieve in a day (or week).  This is affecting my sense of well-being.  Perhaps you can relate to my lethargy.   

Not surprisingly, there is lots of advice out there about how to be more productive and overcome waning self-determination.  Being a numbers person, I especially liked these two strategies to up my game:

The first strategy is “The 5 Second Rule”* popularized by Mel Robbins.  This simple rule is that when you have an impulse to do something, you have five seconds to act upon the urge before your sub-conscious highjacks your plan and you start to delay. Before you know it, nothing happens.  Whether it is getting out of bed and not hitting the snooze (for the second or third time), sending that email or completing that task the strategy is to Count backwards five, four, three, two, one, GO (or before) and act.  Don’t hesitate and start coming up with excuses to delay.

The second suggestion is called the 10-10-10 rule.**  The next time you are procrastinating, ask yourself how you will feel in 10 minutes, 10 hours and 10 days if you do (or don’t do) whatever it is you are stalling on.  At the very least, if you do something that nagging feeling will be gone, and more likely that step in the right direction will make you day better.

The reason both these strategies work is because the brain has three imperatives (that we must defeat):

-         The brain is locked in an epic battle with itself, between the instinct for the quickest reaction (emotion) and the most optimal reaction (logic).

-         The brain wants as much pleasure as possible, as fast as possible; an absence of pain and discomfort will also do in most cases. Speed is of the essence for the brain.

-         The brain never wants to sacrifice anything pleasurable. **

To be more productive we must slow the brain down, add logic and reason to the situation and sacrifice immediate pleasure for greater purpose later.  Put another way, we must trick the brain into believing the future will be bigger and better than our natural instincts assume. Or follow the Nike suggestion, and JUST DO IT!!

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

*:  "The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage" by Mel Robbins 

**:  "Neuro-Discipline: Everyday Neuroscience for Self-Discipline, Focus, and Defeating Your Brain’s Impulsive and Distracted Nature" by Peter Hollins