HARBOURING VS. LETTING GO OF THE PAST

This site is called Smallercup and suggests you should have a smaller cup to improve your well-being.  But what is in the cup?  The assumption is something positive, but sometimes what we are holding in our cup and our soul is anything but that.

A serious challenge to your well-being is the malice and ill-will you may harbour inside.  A silent but real anger against someone or something will prevents a positive sense of self to emerge.  Someone seriously crossed your bottom lines, or a point-of-view totally violates your sense of right or justice and you are stuck in anger, resentment and poison. Your cup is neither full, empty nor smaller, just disappointed and vengeful!

First, if your cup has any toxins in it, it will be difficult to materially improve your well-being. 

Desmond Tutu noted that we “all face the same choice: to forgive or to seek revenge”. 

Letting go is not easy, but not letting go of your real and valid misfortunes is going to corrupt your life journey.  Revenge will absolutely get you nowhere other than backwards.

Second, letting go does not mean forgetting, rather it means forgiving the wrong or wrong doer and moving on.  And perhaps even forgiving yourself.

Third, letting go of your wrathful poison will release you from the prison of your past. Obsessing and replaying past transgressions rots you from the inside out.  Unfortunately, you become a prisoner of your past.

Fourth, harbouring negative feelings to specific individuals taints the way you see people generally, how you see the world, and how others see you.  

Five, harbouring disappointment about the past limits your achievements in the present and the future, as it can undermine your confidence and willingness to take risks and chance success.

Six, letting go of those aspects of your past allows for healing and moving forward.

Seven, letting go always allows for resilience to mature.

It is very unlikely there is anyone that does not have moments they wish they could erase from their past, so you are not alone.  Awfulizing, re-playing, second guessing, and harbouring those past moments doesn’t undo the damage. 

However, there is much merit in cognitive behavioral therapy to free you of these matters and help you let go.  PLEASE do see a specialist to help you move on if you are stuck.  

Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

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HOW TO MAKE YOUR SMALLER CUP BIGGER

Reframing situations in my life so that I have a smaller cup has been incredibly empowering. Can we stay with this wisdom a little longer?

Don’t misunderstand this: I am not suggesting that you simply desire a small cup, and your current situation is forever good enough, allowing you to sit back and never have another aspirational thought again. NO way!!  Rather, I would suggest that being aspirational, self-motivated and proactive are easier attitudes to adopt when we feel higher levels of self-esteem, achievement and contentment. The secret is in finding a balance between contentment and aspiration - how full is the optimum level of our cup?

The range of 65 to 75% full works for me.  Goals should be challenging and attainable, but not overwhelming. When my cup is around 70% full, I am encouraged to keep trying hard and to keep seeking out new challenges and opportunities. One of the more insightful movies I saw was “What about Bob?’  One of the characters is a psychiatrist whose treatment protocol is about baby steps. The trick is to forever make your cup grow a little bigger: grow your cup, but grow it slowly, with baby steps.

One is forever in a state of either growth or decline: it is like you are rowing up a river, and if you stop rowing you don’t stay still – you go backwards. As I achieved a new milestone, I invented a new goal that were just a little bit beyond my current reach. Just a little further out there, but always within reach.  Small increments in the long run advance us towards our well-being goals.  I never said or suggested your cup was small, rather smaller, but always growing.

To implement the smaller cup lifestyle, start by finding you own best state of being “full yet smaller”.  And remember to keep expanding your cup in small steps by keeping it 70%- even letting it overflow once in a while!

Over a lifetime, a healthily realistic, but nonetheless essentially optimistic, attitude towards life’s situations and challenges can create a tremendous sense of well-being and bounty.  Remember, there is no limit as to how big your “smaller cup” can be; I would suggest VERY BIG INDEED is how large it will become.  And larger than if you started with a big cup that was half full.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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MY SMALLER CUP, RE-VISITED

I released my first reflection (below) on 1st January 2019.  It is interesting and refreshing, how, over four years later I can only reinforce how much I subscribe to the Smaller Cup notion.  So much has went down, some sad, some just the rituals of life and aging and so much joy and gladness.  I particularly noticed that my smaller cup is not that small, and it is more abundant than it was four years ago.

Perhaps you might re-visit your last several years and celebrate the bounty of your (smaller) cup.  What have you added to your cup to make it more awesome and complete?  Rather than keeping your eyes on the ball, it is better to focus on your cup of life.

When looking at your life, I am sure that you have heard the question, “Is your cup half full or half empty?”  It is a simple query that suggests whether you are an optimist (half full) or a pessimist (half empty). Using this question, it is implied that you can be classified into one of two camps, but can we rephrase our response?

Imagine if the cup were smaller, then it would be fuller with the same amount of liquid. So, a better reply might be, “This cup is just too big. I need a smaller cup.”  Instead of being half full or half empty, you now receive a much more generous looking portion.

In life, by reframing a situation, by simply changing our expectations, we can change our attitudes and create more joy in our lives. Some of us expect so much from life that we cannot help but be left wanting – nothing is ever quite enough to satisfy. By expecting less (having a smaller cup), we will be more happy and content with the good things that come our way.

Picture and experience how this reframing of the half a cup question changes the answer; the cup is now over half full.  You are encouraged to feel special, indeed fortunate and blessed.  Can you picture or feel the joy and the calm of the fuller cup sensation, compared to either the half full or the half empty alternative? 

If there is only one take away from everything I ever share with you, may it be this one:

Get a smaller cup and relish its fullness.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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WILL YOU LIKE IT AS MUCH AS YOU WANT IT?

Have you ever bought something you craved for a long time and experienced an immediate rush and real joy?  You were so pleased, it looked marvelous or did just what you imagined it would.  A few days or weeks later, the excitement is gone, and you are right back to where you started. That is called the Hedonistic Treadmill, where new achievements or objects become the new normal and you return to your natural state of wellness.  Will you really like it as much as you want it?  Probably not!  As good example of this is the new puppy (car, dress, mobile) situation.  How many times have you enjoyed that new thing weeks or months later?

 So, is there any way to reduce this dilemma?  Yes.  Start with the obvious solution of consciously wanting fewer things.  Generally more or new is not better.  Next define what it is that this new object provides that is unique and an improvement.  What is this thing going to do that will improve your lot, or are you a victim of advertising?  Define what it is you are hoping to get from this acquisition, is it pleasure or wellness?  Nothing necessarily wrong with either, just useful to be clear in advance because you will get what you pay for.  Will there be a hangover, as in later maintenance, upkeep or regular attention (as in the cute puppy and the later care of a dog for the next twelve years)?  Where would you store it; is there room?!!

 After all this does it mean that you never shop again?  Absolutely no!!  Take an inventory of those few things you have that really speak to you, that continue to bring you joy years later.  What was it about these things that just worked?  What is it about that thing that you savour? Figure out what is uniquely awesome about that item and use that criterion as part of your shopping agenda and selection process.

Finally, there is ample research that suggests that amazing experiences far outrank things in term of improving our wellness. 

Happy shopping!!  I hope you like it at least as much as you wanted it and for a longer time than usual.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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SEVENTY

I deliberately avoid getting too personal in my reflections, but today is an exception.  Why? Because today I turn the big SEVEN ZERO.  What a long, awesome and strange trip it has been.  A few days of regret and all the other moments mostly shades of joy, gratitude and being blessed.  So what have I learned?

The most important thing has been my evolving spiritual journey.  Allowing for the sense of sacredness puts my circumstances in perspective and keeps me on task. I have learned to look upward, then inward, and finally outward. This has  empowered me with a positive sense of purpose, peace and connection, and allows me to live in the present moment, without focusing too much on past mistakes or future worries. 

 The sense of some things being sacred encouraged me to not take myself too seriously, as I am extremely insignificant.  Knowing I am unimportant allows me to be carefree and have a very positive attitude.  Setbacks (of which there were many) really didn’t matter.  The key is to be optimistic in the present moment.  I learned that taking myself too seriously just sets me up to be especially judgemental, pensive, self-conscious  and other than joyful and alive.

 Discovering the power of gratitude was one of my epiphany moments.  Making gratefulness be a central plank of my daily rituals and awareness opened possibilities for joy  and positivity.  What an empowering discovery gratitude is!

About fifty years ago I learned a simple truth:  We are all extremely similar and  largely  differ on how we apply and actualize our similarity.  Being similar does not undermine being special. Exaggerating our uniqueness is often unhelpful, whereas being okay with who are makes such a different. What I want you likely want and what I don’t want you likely don’t want either.  Wow!!  Appreciating the power of this unifying theme allows me to interact with others freely and honestly.  Restraining our goodness because we think we are the only one feeling a certain way robs you and society of so much bounty.

 Someone stated:

The past is history, the future a mystery and the present moment a gift. That is why this moment is called a present.

That is absolutely bang on.  I don’t feel seventy or seven, I feel now old and  amazingly young!!

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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ENOUGH

After over fifty years of employment with one goal of achieving financial and emotional health,  two simple questions finally came to my attention:

What is enough?

And

When have I achieved enough of this enough?

 I feel so blessed that very early in my career I diverted into lecturing and learning.  I am sure that the majority of my diligent learners who graduated more than twenty years ago have earned far more than I ever have.  I traded off compensation for job satisfaction and personal control over my daily agenda.  But did that mean that I felt I had enough? No! Being honest, only in the last five years, as I have thought about my enough need.  Finally I actually felt satisfied and felt a true sense of bounty and abundance.

 So, what is my point?  I wish I had probed more carefully what was my  definition and measure of ENOUGH.  Had I challenged myself to address my ‘enough’ quotient I would have noted it was a moving goal, which was always just around the corner.  If I had allowed for the contentment of having enough sooner, I would not have worked any less diligently, but I might have had a better mindset, with more  peace and purpose replacing the endless striving and desire for more.

 Are my expectations legitimate? Realistic? Long term in focus? Do they allow for balance in my life between my personal and professional goals? Rather than re-calibrating my needs every time I was successful, I should have defaulted to gratitude, charity and a sense of wellness. 

 Perhaps your measure and definition of ENOUGH is unrealistic.  How much of your ENOUGH need is legitimate and how much is fanciful and naïve?  Does your need allow for purpose and pleasure along the way, or is it all about deferred gratification and waiting until retirement?  Does your enough definition allow for happiness along the way? 

 An enough definition of happiness might be defined as: 

Happiness equal Results minus Expectations.

Note, it is much easier to reduce Expectations than increase Results to achieve the same level or better degree of  Happiness.  I recommend taking the easier way out to achieve an improved level of wellness.  

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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TWO WEATHER APPS

Part of becoming more British is that one learns to forever fret about the weather. My wife cannot go to bed without checking the forecast and the day starts with a detailed projection of what is coming next.  The British like to tell you when the next rain is expected, so you make the most of it if it is looking promising today.

I am resisting the urge, but I do have two weather apps on my phone.  Earlier this week I checked them both for the local conditions.  At precisely the same time (and likely using the same data) the story they told was rather different: I had to check again whether the location was the same.  One showed clouds and rain at that moment and for much of the morning.  The other showed the sun behind a cloud and suggested the potential of light showers. They both agreed the temperature currently was 14C.  The actual morning was light rain, but nothing worth getting worked up about.

Aren’t these two apps like life? Two of us can look out of the window, read an article or listen to a piece of music and have such different experiences. We are each entitled to how we process our reality, but which app is better for our wellness: clouds and rain or sun with clouds?

A long time ago, the sun with clouds perspective became my dominant view. When events were going well, I relish that moment, and when the circumstances were challenging, I look for the silver lining.   Initially framing things positively took some effort, but before long no prodding was necessary. I learned that for those circumstances that you cannot change, you need to let go of them. Where you have some influence, you need to make the best of what you can do, feeling blessed that you are in that moment none-the-less. Maybe you think I am very naïve or on another planet, and you are most  likely correct, but so what! I have trained myself to be more joyful in my present moment and be excited for whatever is coming up next.  The uncertainty of what it next is exciting, not fearful. An important part of my personal smaller cup theory is to keep as much positivity and gratitude in my cup, looking for awe and wonder and minimizing whatever may bring me down.

Which is your life app: clouds and rain or sun with clouds?  And if you live in Britain,  learn to let go of the weather, unless you are going out cycling!!

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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UNGRATITUDE

I know that ungratitude is not a word, but it is an idea and common natural emotion or reaction today. Gratitude is one of the most essential and powerful nutrients to wellness, it can act as a catalyst which quickly moves one into a better place.  Put differently, a sense of  wellbeing is virtually impossible without being partly grounded in gratitude and thankfulness.

As the prefix “un” often means opposite, it is this notion that I am pondering.  So, what is the opposite attitude or feeling to gratitude? Please pause for a moment and challenge yourself to conjure up what is the best single word that is the antitheses to gratitude. I think it is:

  Entitlement.

What is gratitude? I would suggest it could be being thankful for something that happened to you. It could be about getting something randomly that is just wonderful, and so you appreciate your good fortune. It could also be about feeling undeservedly blessed or just plain lucky.  Isn’t entitlement the opposite reaction?

Entitlement is when you feel that it is your right to expect your good fortune, that you have earned it, and equally to not be so blessed is unfair or unjust.  When receiving favourable treatment or positive outcomes is considered the norm, then why would anyone feel a need to be grateful or thankful?

Yes, we are entitled to many rights and benefits, but even for these preferences it is helpful to also feel grateful.  The less you feel entitled to, the more you can have a sense of gratitude for. 

An important aspect of having a smaller cup is to view most of your rights as privileges, giving you more room for appreciating your situation. When something is considered an entitlement, it can  undermine your joyfulness. Put another way, the more you feel entitled to, the bigger and emptier your cup will seem. 

It is helpful to be aware that many  perceived entitlements are not free or may come at the expense of someone else’s rights or their entitlements.  There is no such thing as a free lunch: everything has non-financial and financial costs.  How do your entitlements affect others and their rights?

By re-classifying most of your entitlements or rights as privileges an enormous opportunity is created for gratitude and improved wellbeing.  Feeling grateful certainly beats feeling jealous and all the other emotions grounded in entitlement.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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WHAT IS IN YOUR CUP?

Previous reflections have considered if your cup is half full or half empty, but we overlooked thinking about the contents of your cup.  So, what might your cup contain?  Is it full of joy, disappointments, hope or sadness ??

When I imagine my cup’s contents, it is like a multi-layered pastry or rainbow.  The foundation layer is gratitude, as I try to be grateful for all the blessing and good fortune I have received.  This gratitude then sparks a profound sense of awe and wonder as I look at God’s creation and the natural beauty I am surrounded by, if only I pause to look and listen.   The next layer is joy and amusement as I remember the (mis)adventures and encounters that I have experienced and savour them. The next layer is love and hope; the kindness and fulfillment that abound when I risk letting go and being in the moment. There are more layers, but like the bottom, gratitude is also on the top level. 

I try to minimize the negative or unhelpful feelings in my cup.  These sentiments are there, and  I am aware of them, but I try to ensure that they do not overwhelm or undermine my wellbeing.

I know that your cup is different to mine, and there is no correct or better cup.  But what is refreshing is to speculate what is in your cup that makes it yours, unique to you.  Focusing on your life and what grounds and defines it is sobering.  Challenging yourself to prioritize your emotional wellbeing is constructive and insightful.  Are negative feelings defining your wellbeing?  Are your life experiences a turbulent mixture of wonderful and unfortunate circumstances, just swirling about? Does that need some sorting out and organizing?

 A cup that is structured around helpful, hopeful and joyful ingredients is bound to be better for your wellbeing.  So, what is in your cup? Make your cup work for you.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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A SMALLER, SMALL CUP

I am finding the drawn-out ‘sooner rather than later’ ending of the Covid situation strangely challenging.  My earlier locked-down, physically distanced time of waiting is nearing its end.  Only recently has this strange year began to really wear me down.  Maybe you hit that wall earlier.  With the end in sight, demonstrating patience is becoming ever harder.  Coping and trying to be well and positive is becoming more difficult.

The notion of having a smaller cup which is fuller (compared to a half full or half empty cup) has a new meaning to me.  Rather than just having a small(er) cup, I have had to deliberately make this cup of my expectations even smaller again.  The reality of Covid has really begun to set in: room for excitement, wonder and optimism have indeed become limited and exhausted. 

Over the past month to maintain a positive sense of wellness, I have mindfully downsized my cup of joy to keep it relatively full.  Smaller blessings and pleasures have become more joyful and meaningful.  Traveling even a few miles from home is my current travel adventure goal. 

By consciously shrinking what I expect, it has made the waiting process easier and more promising.  Convincing myself that less is better has materially improved my spirits.  It is now much easier to get excited and eager about almost anything; trivial things really matter now. 

Pacing myself to imagine that soon something resembling the old normal will return is giving me an opportunity to constructively plan for what is ahead.  Not only will my new cup of life be sturdier and initially smaller, but I am determined to savour more the simple pleasures of life.  Visits to friends will be much more special.  Being in crowds will be a welcome event.  Being able to travel slightly further afield: what a dream!

As the end comes nearer, please don’t waste the opportunity to re-evaluate and re-calibrate your post-Covid world.  Ask yourself, “What lessons have I learned that I can use to make the next chapter of my life better?”  Plan your escape and return to normality.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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WHAT HAVE I LEARNED IN 2020?

After fifty-one reflections, it might be timely to consider how my smaller cup has changed – what have I learned?  In a word, PATIENCE.  Being patient is such an important quality which expresses itself in so many ways.  Through patience I am learning:

·         To let go of what might have been, and to be joyful in what is.

·         To consciously re-frame my present moment to have a (more) positive perspective.

·         To get through less exciting days, have a smaller cup that grows and is reasonably full.

·         To be a human being not a human doing.  This is helpful to your well-being - seek to be in the present moment more and avoid multi-tasking wherever possible.

·         To be kind, compassionate and generous to others. That richly rewards my spirits, as well as helping others.

·         To savour, using much freer time to remember fond memories. This made my today’s better and inspired my dreams for a better tomorrow.

·         To prefer tele-scoping and looking forward with promise and wonder, over micro-scoping inward, with a sense of remiss and regret.

·         To use explanatory words that are hopeful, glorious, grateful and modestly proud.

·         To remind myself that desserts is stressed spelt backwards. I need to put more sweetness into my present moment.

·         To be an optimalist (where good enough is excellent) rather than a perfectionist (where only excellence is good enough).

·         If I always give, I will always have.

·         To be careful what I focus on. Not watching the news before going to bed materially improved my dreamscape.

The challenge for next year is to keep applying these lessons, and to make the most of all my opportunities in 2021 (as I have waited a long time for them).

And similarly you might wonder how your well-being journey has changed – what have you learned?  Rather than a New Year’s resolution, do a last year’s self-reflection, and be grateful for how the last year may have changed your perspectives.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

ENJOY JOY

Joy is one of the most essential positive emotions.  Often it is used interchangeably with happy, but joy is a deeper and more profound state of nature than being happy.  Joy is defined as  a feeling bright and light.  Colours seem more vivid.  There’s a spring in your step.  You feel playful.*

Isn’t  joy wonderful?!  Yes, but do we actually pause and allow ourselves to enjoy and experience it enough?  Or do we just go on to the next item on our agenda without a moment to savour it?

Most of the joy I experience daily is in small doses of pleasure and wonderful surprises.  When I have a short burst of joy, I like to reflect on how fortunate I am for that minor good fortune.  This mindfulness automatically makes me pause and count that blessing.  And that awareness opens me to more instances in the day where things go my way.  My threshold for joy is rather small, like when I get a green light or a glimpse of a well-cared for garden, so I savour it.  The more I am prepared to find joy in daily and often trivial activities, the more happiness and wellness I encounter.   I find that the trick is to allow for joy, being watchful for joyful moments.  The more mini-joys you savour, the more you open yourself to larger moments of joyfulness. Being joyful is intentional: it involves  looking for glimmers of promise or surprise.  The savouring aspect of joy is the biggest reward. 

Being joyful is also non-judgemental or comparative.  Judging or measuring our joy against some standard or expectation is counter-productive and diminishes our pleasure. It can rob you of joy altogether, leaving you forever unsatisfied with your lot.  As the Smaller Cup idea suggests, the relatively fuller our cup of life is, the more joy we will experience, as we are more easily satisfied.  Letting go of judgement and comparison materially enhances our joy.

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: Positivity by Barbara Frederickson

FAIRNESS AND GRATITUDE

How many times have you heard someone say, “It not fair!”? It seems that when things do not go our way in life, we often decide that life is not fair, and biased against us.

But what does “fair” mean?  When we toss a coin it has a 50/50 chance of being a head or a tail.  An equal chance. But is it possible to get equal chances at everything in life?  If you work diligently, should you always get what you are aiming for? 

Is life itself fair? We all face challenges and setbacks. Others do not always play by our perception of the rules, and we do not always get equitable treatment.  No one is promised a life without impediments.  But isn’t that what makes life ‘real’ and a continuous learning journey?  Why would one be ambitious and hopeful if life was a done deal and your success guaranteed? Where would the excitement and challenges that make life a rewarding experience come from? How would a human being develop character without hardship and struggles? How would a human being develop empathy without suffering?  Some unfairness builds stamina and resilience.

Without too much effort, I can identify a dozen or more significant “unfairnesses” in my life.  But I would NEVER describe my life as being other than enormously blessed.  Why is this so? 

Because I am an accountant, by nature and inclination, I look at fairness as a measurement issue.  Depending on how and what you measure to define fairness makes all the difference.  It is not by accident that this blog is called “Smallercup”.  This name suggests that if you calibrate fairness based on the relative fullness of your cup, you can feel very blessed or cursed without a change in your circumstances.  If you choose to feel grateful, focused on your ambitions but realistic in what you want, your life will be most bountiful.  A smaller cup makes your win/loss ratio about 75/25 because you set yourself up for greater success and joy. 

Rather than framing life through an  ‘unfair vs fair’ framework, look out for the good things that regularly come your way.  It is amazing how your outlook can change if you are prepared to acknowledge the good fortune that frequently comes your way.  Carefully consider whether your definition and calibration of fairness is constructive and useful.   Just by being more mindfully grateful your personal sense of fairness will materially improve.  And this gives you the energy and motivation to make others’ lives fairer. 

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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OPTIMAL OPTIMIST

Albert Einstein noted:

I’d rather be an optimist and a fool than a pessimist and right.

I know I am also an extremely optimistic person.  The notion of having a Smaller Cup and being satisfied is helpful to me. It is a tool to aid me to view my life through a promising, hopeful lens.

Some people are perfectionists - things can always be better and they are forever striving for the ideal.  Others are optimalists - setting high standards and goals but letting go of ‘perfection’.   Do you only want the very best or are you satisfied with BETTER, and prepared to let go of BEST? 

An optimal optimist lets go of the perfect and is pleased to get a sunny day with a few clouds.  A perfection optimist would be fooled into believing this was not good enough.  A perfection pessimist would speculate when the heavy rains would start, tomorrow or next week, and rain on their own parade.

Occasionally my hopes are disappointed, but by not setting my goals too high I find that by and large things go okay or even well!  How often are the pessimist’s predictions realized?  I suspect their forecasts are generally too negative, and they spend much of the time realizing that their worries have come to nothing. In the meantime, they have spent their day absorbed in negative emotions.

At the end of the day, is it about looking foolish, or being in a state of well-being?  It very much depends on how you do your own spin doctoring of your present and future moments.  Look at Tal Ben-Shahar’s definitions of perfectionists and optimalists:

Perfectionists pay an extremely high emotional price for rejecting reality.  Their rejection of real-world limits and constraints leads them to set unreasonable and unattainable standards for success, and because they can rarely meet these standards, they are constantly plagued by feelings of frustration and inadequacy.

Optimalists, on the other hand, derive great emotional benefit, and are able to lead rich and fulfilling lives, by accepting reality. Because they accept failure as natural—even if naturally they do not enjoy failing—they experience less performance anxiety and derive more enjoyment from their activities. "*

Which would you rather be? Being an optimalist that sets limits on their optimism is the best of all worlds, occasionally a fool, but generally in a joyful state of nature.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: “Even Happier: A Gratitude Journal for Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment" by Tal Ben-Shahar

THE OVER-CHOICE DILEMMA

There are so many choices available to me in the shops these days - it has cured any shopping urges I might have!  The bewildering options exceed my retail skills, and I quickly feel out of my league.  At what point is there too much selection? 

Consider Baskin Robbins and their 31 flavours of ice cream. The more selection, the more I just chose chocolate.  But right after that I start to regret my decision and wonder if mint chocolate might be better, or whatever my friend ordered.  I much prefer less than ten possibilities and shy away from too much variety.  Ever noticed in high end brand outlets how limited the range of goods is?  Similarly, many retailers and restaurants are restricting their product range or menu choices.

“Two psychology researchers (Schwartz and Ward) suggest the following strategy to manage the over-choice dilemma and the cognitive dissonance (buyer’s remorse) you often feel after doing some retail therapy. 

Their suggestions are:

Ø  You can learn to be satisfied, and accept ‘good enough’ (e.g. not worry about getting the best trainers, teachers, extra activities for kids, but worry about being there for them).

Ø  You can lower your expectations. The reality of any experience can suffer from comparisons. Unfulfilled but unreasonably high expectations are the yellow brick road to depression.

Ø  You can avoid social comparisons and set our own standards.

Ø  You can regret less and be grateful for what is good in life.

Ø  You can practice meta-choice and learn when choosing is worth it. This way we will only be a maximizer when it comes to something that really matters.

Ø  You can try to stick to your choices and not change your mind. This is another way to reduce anxiety.

Ø  You can learn to love constraints. Perhaps some constraints (imposed by relationships, having kids and having a regular job) are a blessing, because they reduce our sets of possible choices. If we create and follow a rule for something, we don’t need to make decisions.

Ø  You can remember that choice only increases freedom up to a certain point, beyond which it actually restricts our freedom."*

Try uncluttering your over-choice dilemma: less choice and more gratitude is a better option.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:  Schwartz, B., & Ward, A. (2004). Doing Better but Feeling Worse: The Paradox of Choice. In P. A. Linley & S. Joseph (Eds.), Positive psychology in practice (pp. 86-104). Hoboken, NJ, US: John Wiley & Sons Inc.

BAD, BUT (MUCH) BETTER*

Try answering the questions below:

1. On average, how many fewer year(s) of schooling does a 30 year old woman have than a 30 year old man?  A: 1 year   B: 2 years   C: three or more years

2. In the last 20 years, the proportion of the world population living in extreme poverty has …    A: almost doubled   B: remained more or less the same            C: almost halved

3. There are 2 billion children in the world today, aged 0 to 15 years old. How many children will there be in the year 2100, according to the United Nations? A: 2 billion   B: 3 billion   C: 4 billion

4. How did the number of deaths per year from natural disasters change over the last hundred years? A: More than doubled   B: Remained about the same C: Decreased to less than half

5. How many of the world’s 1-year-old children today have been vaccinated against some disease? A: 80%   B: 50%   C: 20%

6. In 1996, tigers, giant pandas, and black rhinos were all listed as endangered. How many of these three species are more critically endangered today?         A: Two of them   B: One of them   C: None of them

 How did you do (correct answers below)? These questions were posed to over 12,000 people in 14 “developed” countries. The average person got only one right and very few (less than 2%) got them all correct*.

 So what?!  The awesomeness of these questions is that the world is actually making some significant progress in these areas, more than we sometimes imagine. Girls are almost as well educated as boys. Poverty levels are the lowest ever.  Population growth rates are stabilizing.  Given the quadrupling of world population, the relative devastation from natural disasters has been reduced by almost 90%.   Infant illness prevention is happening. Conservation is working. Things may be BAD, but they are MATERIALLY BETTER than they were.  The problem is our awareness about well-being is about 30 years behind the true situation.

 Good news does not sell.  Tragedy and violence is news worthy. Joy and peace seem to be uninteresting.  Gradual and significant improvement is ignored.  Misfortune is assumed the normal state of nature. A nearly empty cup of blessings is the default condition.

 Real progress is occurring, and at a historically high and persistent rate.  Be certain that the state of well-being of the least fortunate may be bad, but it is MUCH better than it was.  That’s encouraging. It shouldn’t make us complacent, but it does give us cause to hope.

 Correct answers: 1: A, 2: C, 3: A, 4: C, 5: A, 6: C

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*Source of the questions and data: Factfulness: Ten Reasons We're Wrong About The World - And Why Things Are Better Than You Think" by Hans Rosling, Ola Rosling, Anna Rosling Rönnlund. The raw data comes from UN data bases.

HELPFUL AND/OR HOPEFUL

One of the essential positive emotions is being hopeful. In the list of ten positive emotions, being hopeful is the only one that is future oriented. The expectation that the future bodes well and is promising is fundamental to joyful well-being.  The aspiration for improvement is what makes life purposeful and meaningful.  Take away one’s hopefulness and life can appear rather bleak.

Another desire is to be helpful and proactive; the sense that effort can make a difference.  Can you personally do anything to improve or implement your hopeful aspirations?

Both hopeful and helpful have antonyms: hopeless and helpless. Both of these are disabling. I have asked people to describe themselves within these parameters.  Age seems to have a bearing on how one classifies oneself.  Older folks (over 50) seem to be generally hopeful and feel empowered to affect their hopefulness.  However, for younger adults hopefulness was in shorter supply and helplessness was not uncommon.  What a despairing revelation!

So how can one get out of this melancholy funk?  Do you start with the helplessness or the hopelessness?  I would start with helplessness.  Without a personal sense that you can make a difference, being hopeful is an impossibility.  It is unlikely that you will be able to solve climate change, but you can make your neighborhood a tidier place, and reduce your climate footprint.  World peace can seem hopelessly idealistic, but in your little way you can be kind and inclusive.  Start small and local.  Make a commitment to honour your word, arrive at the time you agreed, under-promise and over-deliver.  Mindfully practice helpfulness, it will unlock your hopefulness.

And being hopeful?!  Again, think small, setting realistic and immediate goals.  Practice gratitude.  Count your blessings.  Have a SMALLER CUP that is fuller. Let go of comparison (unless it is with your yesterday).  Be charitable. 

If you don’t feel helpful or hopeful, how can you move yourself forward?  Work on your helpfulness, as your well-being depends on it.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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-FUL

The suffix “FUL” is an extremely empowering additive to life and well-being. Consider the follow “FUL” words:

Wonderful, grateful, peaceful, joyful, mindful, hopeful, beautiful, cheerful, thoughtful, respectful, insightful, trustful, truthful, faithful, thankful, fruitful,  merciful, meaningful, plentiful ..

What makes these “FUL” words so inspiring is that it implies one is FULL OF these positive emotions.  Not only is one FULL but also in the present moment or mindful.  MindFULness can be defined as the process of purposely bringing one's attention to experiences occurring in the present moment without judgment.  Mindfulness is a state of being where one is “FULL of the mind”.  You are totally in the present moment in a non-judgemental manner.  You let the moment fill you.  In advance you might set the intentions for your mindfulness.  By deliberately choosing those uplifting FUL emotions to fill the moment with you can improve your spirits materially.

If you imagine these “FUL” words and reverse the order so they start with “FULL OF” it can change your spirits and well-being quickly.  Wonderful becomes “full of wonder” or peaceful becomes “full of peace”.   Thankful becomes “full of thanks”.  Not only does the emotion feel different, it also feels more real, immediate and personal. *

As the name of this blog asks:  Is your glass half FULL, half empty or YOU JUST NEED A SMALLER CUP?  What is expected is that this cup is filled with these positive feelings of well-being.

Challenge yourself to be FULL and even FULLER of the wonder of the present moment. Enjoy the fullness of life by letting the wonders of life fill you.

*: Curious one of the most used FUL word is awful.  However, awful’s root is to be full of awe or being inspired, which is anything but awful, rather is awe-full.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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HARBOURING VS. LETTING GO OF THE PAST

This site is called Smallercup and suggests you should have a smaller cup to improve your well-being.  But what is in the cup?  The assumption is something positive, but sometimes what we are holding in our cup and our soul is anything but that.

A serious challenge to your well-being is the malice and ill-will you may harbour inside.  A silent but real anger against someone or something will prevents a positive sense of self to emerge.  Someone seriously crossed your bottom lines, or a point-of-view totally violates your sense of right or justice and you are stuck in anger, resentment and poison. Your cup is neither full, empty nor smaller, just disappointed and vengeful!

First, if your cup has any toxins in it, it will be difficult to materially improve your well-being.  Desmond Tutu noted that we “all face the same choice: to forgive or to seek revenge”.  Letting go is not easy, but not letting go of your real and valid misfortunes is going to corrupt your life journey.  Revenge will absolutely get you nowhere other than backwards.

Second, letting go does not mean forgetting, rather it means forgiving the wrong or wrong doer and moving on.  And perhaps even forgiving yourself.

Third, letting go of your wrathful poison will release you from the prison of your past. Obsessing and replaying past transgressions rots you from the inside out.  Unfortunately, you become a prisoner of your past.

Fourth, harbouring negative feelings to specific individuals taints the way you see people generally, how you see the world, and how others see you.  

Five, harbouring disappointment about the past limits your achievements in the present and the future, as it can undermine your confidence and willingness to take risks and chance success.

Six, letting go of those aspects of your past allows for healing and moving forward.

Seven, letting go always allows for resilience to mature.

It is very unlikely there is anyone that does not have moments they wish they could erase from their past, so you are not alone.  Awfulizing, re-playing, second guessing, and harbouring those past moments doesn’t undo the damage. 

However, there is much merit in cognitive behavioral therapy to free you of these matters and help you let go.  PLEASE do see a specialist to help you move on if you are stuck.  

Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

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SMALLER CUP - REVISITED

I started SmallerCup six months ago. I thought now might be a good time to pause and review these reflections and consider what some of my learned or reinforced thoughts are about the theme of a Smaller Cup.

 First, my view that a smaller cup enhances life is more strongly held than ever.  The nearer to three quarters full my cup is the more fortunate and positive my perspective becomes.

 Second, knowing my cup is smaller but fuller instinctively makes me more grateful.  And an attitude of gratitude is the BEST MEDICINE for wellness available.

 Third, having a smaller cup is not an end, but rather a means to an improving my overall circumstances. Setting challenging and attainable goals is much easier if I am already in a state of relative completeness.

 Fourth, a smaller cup keeps me living in the present moment as I feel blessed.  I avoid being too focused on the future.

 Fifth, a smaller cup encourages more to take smaller (baby) steps on my life journey.  Thinking in terms of smaller steps makes overall improvement more likely, and setbacks are less disconcerting.

 Sixth, a smaller cup provides me with more occasions to experience purpose and achievement.  Having modest ambitions for improvement allows for more moments to savour incremental success.

 Seventh, thinking in terms of a smaller cup overturns the fight or flight, win or lose, full or empty, zero sum philosophy.  I feel a sense of relief, pausing and re framing the choices I can make in a more constructive and optimistic way.

 Eighth, a smaller cup is a more sustainable and rejuvenating perspective.  The smaller cup constrains me from becoming too ambitious and assuming that more is necessarily better.  Driving myself to forever pursue significantly more or better can become like chasing my own tail.

 Ninth, a smaller cup perspective encourages me to pause and see more dimensions of my well-being.  I experience a more balanced, measured and multi-dimensional life.  Please focus on your smaller cup, it will help you through your day and life.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please share freely and widely, there are no copyright concerns.