SEEING THINGS IN BLACK AND WHITE

Black and white, Yes/No, Zero/One, binary logic assumes that there are absolute solutions or answers to many of life’s riddles.  Ambiguity is unnecessary and unwelcome.  Debating, discussing or pondering complex issues seems to be politically incorrect and unwelcome at times.

There appears to be a ‘politically correct’ answer to many of the troubling challenges society is facing.  People sometimes refuse to express their opinions because they believe they are ‘not allowed to say or think that’ in public.  Between identity politics and populism, the boundaries of critical thinking and inquiry are being reduced, and scope for intolerance increased.

Are most issues where others differ that simple? Are there no trade-offs where others might see things differently?  Are their priorities universal?  Are their lenses and perceptions complete, correct or necessarily relevant? What happened to complexity, lateral thinking, compromise  and “I beg to differ” legitimacy?

Black and white logic is quick and with like-minded colleagues, effective for team and friendship building.  However, binary thinking often comes at the expense of tolerance, inclusiveness, critical thinking, liberal democracy and a civil society.  Maybe both sides are correct, but for different reasons and to different degrees.

What I am petitioning for is tolerance, inclusiveness and compromise.  If you want any semblance of peace and wellness in your life you will need to let go of being right or better than others.  Enjoy diversity of opinion.  See what you can learn from others’ perspectives.  Remember, if you mix black and white together you get grey, which is generally the equitable solution to most complicated dilemmas.

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HARBOURING VS. LETTING GO OF THE PAST

This site is called Smallercup and suggests you should have a smaller cup to improve your well-being.  But what is in the cup?  The assumption is something positive, but sometimes what we are holding in our cup and our soul is anything but that.

A serious challenge to your well-being is the malice and ill-will you may harbour inside.  A silent but real anger against someone or something will prevents a positive sense of self to emerge.  Someone seriously crossed your bottom lines, or a point-of-view totally violates your sense of right or justice and you are stuck in anger, resentment and poison. Your cup is neither full, empty nor smaller, just disappointed and vengeful!

First, if your cup has any toxins in it, it will be difficult to materially improve your well-being. 

Desmond Tutu noted that we “all face the same choice: to forgive or to seek revenge”. 

Letting go is not easy, but not letting go of your real and valid misfortunes is going to corrupt your life journey.  Revenge will absolutely get you nowhere other than backwards.

Second, letting go does not mean forgetting, rather it means forgiving the wrong or wrong doer and moving on.  And perhaps even forgiving yourself.

Third, letting go of your wrathful poison will release you from the prison of your past. Obsessing and replaying past transgressions rots you from the inside out.  Unfortunately, you become a prisoner of your past.

Fourth, harbouring negative feelings to specific individuals taints the way you see people generally, how you see the world, and how others see you.  

Five, harbouring disappointment about the past limits your achievements in the present and the future, as it can undermine your confidence and willingness to take risks and chance success.

Six, letting go of those aspects of your past allows for healing and moving forward.

Seven, letting go always allows for resilience to mature.

It is very unlikely there is anyone that does not have moments they wish they could erase from their past, so you are not alone.  Awfulizing, re-playing, second guessing, and harbouring those past moments doesn’t undo the damage. 

However, there is much merit in cognitive behavioral therapy to free you of these matters and help you let go.  PLEASE do see a specialist to help you move on if you are stuck.  

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GENEROSITY – THE THREE “T’s”

Many respected leaders in the area of well-being (the Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, Sonja Lyubomirsky), have noted that generosity is one of the more redeeming and effective ways to improve one’s sense of wholeness and joy.  Generosity is prescribed by almost every religious tradition.  It is one of the five pillars of Islam, called zakat.  In Judaism, it is called tzedakah, which literally means “justice”. In Hinduism and Buddhism, it is called dana.  And in Christianity, it is called charity.

Generosity is one of the best vitamins for happiness, but our understanding of it may be challenged and short-sighted, because we often associate charity with money and gifts.  Fortunately, money is but one expression of generosity.  Let’s meet the three “T’s”: Time, Talent and Treasure.

For much of our life being financially charitable is challenging and awkward, as money (treasure) may be in short supply.  We want to be generous, but say to ourselves that we will get around to it when we are older.  However, we also have skills (talents) which can benefit those in need.  Or, giving up some of one’s time to a cause that speaks to you is also an act of charity. Sharing one’s expertise or leisure feels every bit as good for the soul as money.  At the end of the day, time is our most intimate expression of ourselves; sharing it altruistically with those in need is the dearest thing we can give.

Wonderfully, when time or talent are our method of expressing kindness to others, we get the added benefit of being part of a relationship with others.  This connectivity and interdependence with a community adds depth to our well-being.

Volunteering one’s time or talents does not have an age restriction, the earlier you starting giving of it the more you grow.

 Further reading: The Book of Joy   by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, Hutchinson 2016.

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POST-TRUTH

Truth is the quality or state of being true. Wikipedia adds ‘of being in accord with fact or reality’.

What is especially unsettling is the suggestion that we now live in a post-truth society, where truth does not matter or matters less. Now, emotions and personal beliefs can trump what was previously considered to be either true or false.  Post-truth views deliberately confuse opinions and facts.  By cherry picking facts and statistics, fantasy becomes reality, and truth and respect optional.  Worse, those that disagree with us become our opponents and we, the rightful victors of justice and whatever, are right and true.  Somehow this does not sound like a situation with a happy or positive ending.

But what does this have to do with wellness?  A lot!!  The more the post-truth notion gains hold in society, the less tolerant, compassionate, and inclusive we seem to have become.  Identity politics has become more accepted.  Identity politics considers it fair game to cast very negative views on another’s character just because they do not agree with our views or perspectives.  Rather than being inclusive and tolerant of those that differ on matters of opinion, those that disagree are often described in unkind terms and held in distain.

Two central hallmarks of a liberal democracy are the encouragement of differing points of view, and the tolerance of these differences.  By a process of debate, over time, society evolves and improves.  But central to this evolution is respect for the truth and opportunities for society to learn and change. But that takes time and patience.

Perhaps it is politics, but I have noticed recently in the media and on the streets a reduction in civility and inclusiveness.  Post-truth judgementalism seems to have undermined some of the kindness and compassion we feel for others; a slippery slope to go down.

I pray that in 2023 truth returns to take centre stage and with it brings respect and patience for those we disagree with.  May opinions be accepted as opinions and not as facts. That is certainly one of my new year’s aspirations.  I know this tolerance will significantly enhance my wellbeing and joy in 2023.

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AFFECTIVE FORECASTING

Affective forecasting is a fancy economics and psychology term. It describes how we anticipate our future mental and emotional state may be affected by our current decisions and actions.  We anticipate whether our current actions will  affect future emotions in terms of being good or bad and how strong and long that emotion will be.

Stated more simply, often we carefully consider doing something by imagining what will transpire because of that action.  The hardwiring of our brain is based on the fight or flight survival mechanism, so we generally put a cautious and negative spin on the outcome.  Better safe than sorry, better the devil we know than the devil we don’t,  we say to ourselves.  If what we are contemplating is potentially unkind or dangerous such caution is warranted.  But is our life really that risky or untoward? 

Researchers have investigated the accuracy of our affective forecasting and noted that generally our predictions are poor and inaccurate, especially when we are considering doing something kind or compassionate.  Perhaps we refrain from striking up an innocent conservation with a stranger because we fear rejection or an awkward conversation.  Experiments tested this hypothesis: individuals were asked to either start or refrain from a random conversation with a fellow passenger on a train ride. Afterwards, they were asked to summarize their experience.  Those that engaged in conversation had a much more positive recollection of their train journey.

 There is a lot of research like this suggesting that human beings are bad at affective forecasting. Not just in short-term situations like the train study, but in the longer term, too. We seem particularly bad at forecasting the benefits of relationships. A big part of this is the obvious fact that relationships can be messy and unpredictable. This messiness is some of what prompts many of us to prefer being alone. It’s not just that we are seeking solitude; it’s that we want to avoid the potential mess of connecting with others. But we overestimate that mess and underestimate the beneficial effects of human connection. This is a feature of our decision making in general: we pay a lot of attention to potential costs and downplay or dismiss potential benefits. *

So, what are some of  the findings of this research?  Firstly, we should risk random acts of kindness more often.  If you want to do something kind, then do it!  Secondly, we are not very good at predicting the outcomes of our positive actions.  Thirdly, we are more likely to be pleasantly surprised than disappointed when we risk being kind in an uncertain situation.  The motto we were fed as children to not trust strangers may be good for youngsters, but not a helpful guide as we get older.  Risk being kind (but don’t be stupid, know your limits).

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*:  The Good Life: Lessons from the World's Longest Study on Happiness by Robert Waldinger, Marc Schulz

YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW

I am a rather simple person who relies on a few brief and succinct rules that get me though my day and life.  At around nine or ten I was taught and understood the Golden Rule (Do unto others as you would have others to unto you ).  That guidance worked very well in my youth, but it did not seem concise  or sufficient to me as I got order as it ignored the fact that much of life is about making awkward trade-offs.  How you are perceived by others, the reputation you earn, and how you balance short-term and long-term consequences of your choices, to me, left the Golden Rule wanting.

 As my career progressed, my reputation became the metric that I used to mediate many of my choices.  One’s reputation takes years to cultivate; are you becoming the person you want to be and remembered as? So, my revised rules for life became:

You reap what your sow.

Or

What goes round, comes around.

 Either advice is essentially the same, they remind me of the consequences of my actions.  I set in motion reactions and effects that will come back to reward or haunt me.  People and life seem to have an amazing memory: what I do does seem to rebound back on me. 

 These mottos are generally framed in the negative, implying that bad deeds will plague the doer with unfortunate outcomes. However, it is the positive possibilities and rewards of doing good that excites me.  Mindfully doing ethical and kind deeds, will, over time, mature the habit and natural inclination to have integrity and compassion.  Being aware of the reputational rewards of your actions keeps the long-term in focus which is a useful moral compass.

 Acquiring a reputation for integrity, fairness and willingness to help others  ABSOLUTELY does incline others to treat you in a similar manner. It also makes you more open to receive kindness from others. Yes, sometimes your kindness is not reciprocated, or you are taken advantage of, but this is very much the exception. 

 Being fair and  equitable to others is empowering and it does pay significant dividends.   Plant the seed of your integrity and reputation early and often, it will define you later in your career and life.  The rewards are immense (and make your eulogy more kindly and gentle).

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WHAT KIND OF KINDNESS?

What do you imagine to be the most important quality that women and men seek in a sustained relationship? David Buss tested over 10,000 people from 37 different cultures and concluded that consistently the most important attribute was kindness.*  Whereas this conclusion may not be surprising, it certainly is reassuring. 

Kindness can be described as the quality of being friendly, thoughtful, generous and considerate. However, have you ever thought about how kindness (like its more directed and personal cousin, LOVE) has different ways of being expressed or actualized?

The Five Love Languages** suggests that one can express love or kindness to your partner or others in at least five different manners.  I like to summarize them as the four “T’s” : Time, Touch, Talk and Things [gifts]) and one “D” (deeds).  The clever point of this taxonomy is that we tend to express or be kind/loving to others based on how we like to be loved or receive kindness. 

However, by our nature and make up, we have a preference as to how we best appreciate being loved.  For example, your partner may long for spending time with you as this is their love language, but you are a deeds person and like to show your affection by doing things for that special person.  What happens is a miscommunication, your partner indulges you with their time and your reward them with deeds.  Yes, these acts of kindness are appreciated, but not as well as the person doing these actions had hoped for.  You may even become frustrated as your kindness seems to go unacknowledged.  Sometimes, the favorite form of kindness for one partner may be the least appreciated by the other and the effectiveness of one kindness may even become a source of friction.

As there is no correct love language and one preference is hard wired, what can be done?  I suggest you learn what the love language of your partner is and learn how to speak and express your kindness in that manner.  It isn’t hard to change the way you express your love, and similarly consider experimenting with being kind in different ways.  I ABSOLUTELY recommend the Five Love Languages book noted below, it without a doubt was the most insightful relationship books I have ever read (and implemented).   Well worth the read and insight it affords.  You may well discover you are talking different languages, which is relatively easy to adjust to and accommodate.

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*:          Buss, David M. 1989. “Sex Differences in Human Mate Preferences.” Behavioral and Brain Sciences

**:        "The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts"  by Gary D Chapman

BEFRIEND YOUR ENEMIES

Enemies are dangerous, they are much less harmful as your less favourite friends.

 There are two important messages in this simple line. The loudest one is that the very idea of an ENEMY is bad for your well-being. Enemies consume your attention and energy, and distract you from your chosen path. Enemies invoke feeling of hatred, or wishing harm to another.

 Secondly, enemies can easily define you. Wishing or imaging vengeance undermines you and eventually this “enemy” captures you.  What is even more unfair is that this “enemy” may be unaware of your disdain, which make you the victim of your own anger, not them. 

 Yes, there are some people who are not my friend, and I would not choose to spend extra time with them, but hate them, NEVER.  I describe them as my least favourite people. Yes, it does says in the Bible to love your neighbor, but it does not say anywhere that you have to like them.

 A difficult but useful strategy I use when someone gets classified as my “least favourite person” is to actively mediate (or pray) for their well-being.  Yes, they may have offended me, but I find it easier to hope for their wellness than ponder their misfortune.  Projecting positive emotions on to my offender almost immediately allows me to let go of the offence that hurt me and move on.  Allowing that person or deed to get under my skin starts to define me, which only makes the injury or offence worse.

 So the next time a wrong or offence occurs to you, try to quietly wish the person well and feel compassion, not anger or hate.  It is much wiser to be defined by one’s own measures and choices, rather than be defined by the actions and opinions of others.  The best solution is to be able to define oneself on your own terms.

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You Experience Tens of Millions of People Every Day!

Look at whatever you are holding or using this very moment.  Perhaps it is a pen, a phone, a cup of coffee or an article of clothing.  How many people were directly involved in making that item, going right back to its basic raw material, assembly, transportation, trading and selling of these components and finished goods?  Then add those people indirectly involved in this item, those that had invented and assembled the tools required for its production.  And then add those involved in the various other supply chains required for that item to be in your hand this very moment.  Certainly tens or hundreds of thousands were involved in just this item, not to mention the many others things you interact with today. Added together just for today, I am sure well over 10 million people made your day happen. 

SO WHAT??!! Anyone who imagines themselves to be self-reliant and independent overstates their self-importance or significance.  We interact with all these people and need each other for our very existence.  Their effort, touch and presence allowed for your day. 

If you are interconnected with that many people every day, should you be selfish and uninterested in their wellbeing?  Or appreciate their input into your wellness?  You are so inter-connected with and in need of others that their well-being should be part of your mindfulness and concern. 

Being kind, thoughtful and respectful of others will make your life more human and meaningful.  Similarly, today tens of millions of people indirectly experienced you.  Wouldn’t it be nice if they acted kindly, thoughtfully and respectfully towards you?  Making others day and life better WILL equally improve your situation and condition. 

Truly, what goes around, comes round.

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THE CAMP SITE RULE

The campsite rule is: “When you leave the campsite, try to make it a little neater, cleaner, and better then when you arrived.  Take away a little more litter than is yours.”  

 Whereas I don’t camp much (almost never), I apply this rule to the community I live in.  The world is too weird, complicated, confused and often angry, but my local and immediate community does not have to be that way.  At the end of the day we spend at least 99% of our life in a very small, confined and intimate world of our home, local community and workplace. 

Rather than fretting too much about the unfairness of the geo-political world, why not focus a lot of your attention and effort on your rather small world and seek to make it kinder, friendlier and tidier.  Your nicer local campsite makes the larger world more tolerable and accommodating.                            

I have a habit of seeking out litter as I walk along; picking it up.  Smile at the clerks in the shops that you frequent.  Greet the bus driver with a Hello and say thanks when you get off.  Hold the door open in the elevator.  Help strangers who seem lost.  Give up your seat on the bus or train.  Let that car that is try to cut in, in. Seek out ways to make your neighborhood a better place. Start an uplifting and positive conversation with that person standing next to you. Your community is your campsite, deliberately make is a nicer and friendlier place.

 It may seem trivial and unimportant but, at the very least it makes you a little prouder and more positive about your world.  Curiously and wonderfully, over time your immediate surroundings will feel more like home.  And your example may inspire a few others, and that is how change happens.    

 Think globally but act locally.  Make your campsite more awesome. This is pro-active, community-based wellness in action.

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COMPASSION?!?

The idea of compassion has long intrigued me.  When I think of some of the Nobel Peace Prize winners (for example Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, the Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, Malala Yousafzai), I recognize compassion in action but I still do not know how I can be better at being compassionate. 

Looking up compassion in the dictionary (sympathetic consciousness for others' distress, together with a desire to alleviate it [Webster] or sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others [Oxford]) was helpful, but still did not connect with me, as it sounded so abstract. 

Finally, I read the wonderful and inspiring book “The Book of Joy” by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu and the simplest and most concise summary of compassion was provided, being:

Can I help?      

or     

How can I help?

Now, looking back at the Nobel Peace Prize winners I was able to identify the common theme to their character, a selfless willingness to help others, especially when the odds were stacked against them.

Regularly pondering how you can help others in your community or the world at large is an excellent step forward in practicing compassion. Science has found that compassion is contagious; when one is compassionate, others note the kindness and are also inclined to be equally caring - a ripple effect often expands outwards and multiples.

Compassion is the compliment to gratitude: combining an attitude of gratitude with “How can I help?” will make the world a better place.

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Do unto Others as You would have Others Do unto You (The Golden Rule)

The Golden Rule of life is expressed in many cultures and religions as an essential part of living and being part of a more meaningful life.

Being more thoughtful and aware of others has immediate payoffs and instructive rewards.  Consciously holding the door open, giving up your seat, letting someone else speak, complimenting someone, letting that car in or helping someone with their luggage all trigger an immediate sense that you are mindful, thoughtful and in the moment.  Being altruistic is one of the blessing largely unique to human beings, something that defines our humanity.  Selflessness elevates one spirit the same way gratitude also does.  An easy and obvious way to implement the Golden Rule is to be of service to others. Added together, gratitude, selflessness and service compound their benefits in improved wellness.

Cultivating the habit of being more selfless opens you to being more aware of the kindness of others.  If you want your world to be kinder and more whole, start from within and project thoughtfulness; over time other will notice and reciprocate in random and wonderful ways.  Also, observe and acknowledge the kindness of others that you receive. The world is much kinder than you imagine but you have to look out for the many blessings we receive.

The corollary or part two of the Golden Rule is equally instructive. Don’t do unto others what you would have others not do unto you.  Not doing something is often harder to do as we have certain unhelpful habits and manners which are unwelcome or hurtful.

The reward of the Golden Rule is the gold it bestows on you; kindness, purpose, wellness and being part of a larger, more meaningful world.  Start causing the gold and cashing in.

And pray for the Ukraine and Russia to find an equitable solution to this cruel situation.

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Significance

There is a story about Mother Teresa (Noble Peace Prize 1979) being on an airplane and sitting next to a passenger who was extolling his amazing achievements; CEO of a huge company, possessions, fame, network of influential business leaders and fortune.  You know and can imagine the person.  He was unaware that the listener was Mother Teresa. 

Mother Teresa finally interrupted the gentleman by asking a simple question:  “What have you done that is significant?”  Despite his career highs; the thousands of adoring shareholders, the countless subordinates and employees and the awesome salary, he was silenced, deflated and probably disappointed or embarrassed. But where was his significance agenda? There is a natural tendency to pursue success and forget or negate significance.  Urgency overwhelms purpose, as ever larger survival urges overwhelm longer term wellness. 

Along your life journey regularly ask if there are opportunities for significance and higher purpose in your daily actions.  Start by thinking small and locally; do a random act of kindness, volunteer, put yourself out to help someone else, mentor a subordinate - seek simple service gestures, as these opportunities are countless.

One of the more powerful tools or habits that brings a sense of well-being and contentment is serving others.  It will improve your spirits, your local community and your world view.

Significance, and the purpose it engenders, encourages a cycle of improved wellness and wholeness. Significance encourages joy to flourish around and within you.  Start to look for significance opportunities, and you will find they are everywhere. 

Balance your life and career so you both do well (personal rewards) but also do good (benefit others).  “Doing good” is your significance agenda and challenge.

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SCHEDULING KINDNESS

Look carefully at your most prized relationships and ask:  “What is the most essential ingredient in these relationships?”  Yes, love.  But love is a rather vague catch-all word.  How about kindness, patience and thoughtfulness?  Wouldn’t it be awesome if you gave and received these unconditional expressions of love?

 And what can we learn from research? What do you imagine to be the most important quality that women and men seek in a sustained relationship? David Buss tested over 10,000 people from 37 different cultures and concluded that consistently the most important attribute was kindness.*  Whereas this conclusion may not be surprising, it is certainly reassuring.  Kindness is  powerful and universally appreciated. It is valued in all our relationships and interactions.

In all our hurrying about, do we spend enough time being kind?  Do we speculate what random or deliberate acts of kindness we might do to improve another’s day?  The word LOVE is sung and wrote about, but is that really what the world needs more of?  Yes, love is wonderful, but how about just acting in a kind and thoughtful way?

An interesting way to bring kindness to life is to schedule or timetable it into your diary.   What explicit act of kindness would you partner appreciate? Then make it happen.  Rather than speculating or pondering it, be kind.

Kindness is an action word; it is something one actually does (or does not do).  Kindness can be seen and explicitly experienced by others.  Acting kindly requires one to think about or imagine someone else’s situation and directly engage with them.  Kindness and thoughtfulness are a team, with thoughtfulness starting the process. The Dalai Lama, when asked how to be kind had a simple suggestion, to ask authentically and unconditionally:

“How can I help you?”

 We as a species are described as manKIND.  Being kind is part of our job description. Let’s release our kindness and live up to our name and calling. 

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*:          Buss, David M. 1989. “Sex Differences in Human Mate Preferences.” Behavioral and Brain Sciences

ENERGY ADDICTION

Humans are unique in that we are the only species that can harness and take advantage of energy. Other species only derive energy from the calories they digest.  It all started a few million years ago, when by a combination of luck and ingenuity, we figured out how to start and use fire to prepare food (cooked food acts as an external stomach and increases the number of calories we can extract from most otherwise raw food). Fire also provided security at night from predators, moved us away from tropical areas and protected us from the elements.  From this simple energy advantage, humans now utilize 26 times* our natural ability in terms of energy consumption. Most of this improvement has been in the last fifty years. Fire, wind, solar, nuclear, tidal and fossil fuel power have become sources of energy. We can do so much more as most of the “heavy lifting” is done using externalized energy sources. What a Pandora’s box of opportunity this has afforded.* 

 So, what does this have to do with well-stillness and wellness?  A little and a lot.  The little is to be in awe of how ingenious humans are and how far this energy advantage has benefited us.  The bigger issue is to note our energy addiction has become almost chronic and will be very harmful for the wellness of our descendants, especially those not yet born.  We are addicted to energy, using more and more and becoming lazier, heavier, greedier and generally not any more content.

 This reflection is not about being greener or making our energy footprint smaller, but rather looking within and pondering our energy craving.  What is driving this desire?  The solution is not improved energy efficiency, but rather better energy effectiveness.  What are these needs that are energy dependent? Energy consumption has become part of the solution to meeting our social needs.  Social media has indeed increased our connectivity but reduced the depth and sincerity of our engagements and interaction.  Things may be faster, bigger, easier and nearer because of energy improvements, but are we meeting or missing our wellness needs? 

 Being kind, thoughtful, patient, loving and tolerant requires little or no calories.  These emotions and actions will have enormous payback and incline us to be more mindful of climate change.  Put otherwise, solar and wind power without an improvement in overall wellness may win the battle, but not the war for well-stillness and serenity.

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*: Transcendence: How Humans Evolved through Fire, Language, Beauty, and Time by Gaia Vince

FAIRNESS?!?!

I have had the good fortune to travel to nine developed countries in two continents.  One thing profoundly impressed me; the post-Covid world seems to be fundamentally different from its earlier version.  What I observed was that the pandemic has sharply divided the world into those that are doing very well and those that seem left behind.  As I travelled, I saw many prosperous citizens in their newer cars and designer clothing,  and also many other citizens  that were on lower wages struggling to make ends meet.  The differences were so obvious: you could choose to look away or imagine the two opposites were not there, but they were.  I wondered whether there was an underlying sense of inequity felt by those doing less well.  Where was the fairness in all this? 

 Climate change makes the same point.  The prosperous developed world enjoys the successes and advantages of their industrial revolutions, and less developed nations deal with the legacies of the wasteful behaviours of others. The divide between the developed and the less developed nations is widening.

 Wellness is both a personal and shared blessing and obligation.  If I thrive and others struggle, then I have a duty of care to be part of the solution to this inequity and unfairness.  Our human nature naturally encourages and rewards us for being compassionate.  One of the better ways to improve your wellbeing is to be charitable and caring for others. In return,  our spirits seem to rapidly improve.

 The inequities we see around us should encourage us to move from empathy (I feel your pain) to compassion (let’s do something about your pain).  We should move from spectators of our relative prosperity to becoming part of the solution.  Some re-distribution of wealth from the fortunate to those that are truly challenged is inevitable and welcome.  

 Charity to others and gratitude for our bounty should encourage us to look at the growing social divide with a sense of compassion, not indifference. Imaging this unfairness is not present is wishful thinking and counter-productive in the longer run. 

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DOUBT AND FEAR

Governments and the media, to manage Covid, have deliberately encouraged fearfulness and suspicion of others to reduce our social contact and thereby manage infection rates.  Not a bad short term public policy measure, but how do we now reverse this anxiousness?  Humans are social creatures: we require social engagement to maintain our wellness. Anxiety makes one less social and more isolated.

 Fear and doubt in the longer term poison the fabric of society, as they encourage intolerance and distrust of OTHERS.  Once fear and doubt guide our social behaviours, we start to question whether OTHERS will be harmful or unhelpful to us.  Before you know it, so many otherwise normal and kind people have become a threat, those OTHERS we should be cautious of.  Personal safety would suggest we should be suspicious of more and more people (OTHERS).  Where is this going?

 All sincere and helpful forms and expressions of love or inclusion start with trust and acceptance, while acknowledging the possibility of fear and doubt.  Adding an initial conditional requirement of overcoming doubt to allow for love and caring undermines the natural rhythms of affection and inclusion.  Once you open the doubt and fear emotion, it quickly runs wild and the possibly of love and kindness decreases materially.

 Doubt and fear also threaten our confidence and courage.  Opening ourselves to questioning our goals and beliefs swiftly shuts down ambition and sensible risk taking.  Unless directly and quickly addressed, fear and doubt succeed in convincing us that it is not worth the effort or engagement to attempt  challenging or aspirational ambitions.  Doubt and fear are bottomless pits: there is no limit to how deep and dysfunctional these feelings can go in polluting our wellness and sense of worth.

 I am not suggesting mindless and careless indifference to possible threats, but rather pondering whether we have the balance right between love and doubt; trust and fear.  I feel now is the time to start thinking and designing our post-Covid life and the ‘new normal’.  The more positive emotions like love, kindness, inclusion and tolerance are incorporated into this new, revised world, the more promising our tomorrows will be.  .

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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PRAISE

Authentic and timely praise is an expression of approval, honour, respect, admiration or commendation for the achievement or qualities of someone or something.   

Over the past two weeks there has been so much sincere praise for the achievements of Olympic athletes.  Perhaps it is timely to ponder how this admiration resonated within us.  C. S. Lewis wrote:

The most obvious fact about praise … strangely escaped me … I had never noticed that all enjoyment spontaneously overflows into praise … the world rings with praise … walkers praising the countryside, players praising their favourite game – praise of weather, wines, dishes, actors, horses, colleges, countries, historical personages, children, flowers, mountains, rare stamps, rare books, even sometimes politicians and scholars… I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment; it is its appointed consummation*

When an athlete did something spectacular,  we marvelled and enjoyed their success. Had we been there, we would likely have clapped, stood up and cheered  to honour and admire their success, and smiled and enjoyed the event.

Praising others is a uniquely empowering emotion. It improves the wellbeing of the recipient when sincerely given, at an appropriate moment.  This admiration has a second personal benefit, as it brings us into the present moment and our own spirits are enhanced.  By praising others, we also elevate our own wellness.

Think about it.  When your compliment your partner, colleague, child or friend for doing something noteworthy, what happens?  First, it puts both of you into the present moment. Then the relationship gets a positive boost as the recipient appreciates your attentiveness and relishes your tribute.  And all along you are spontaneously feeling uplifted and happy.

Being judgemental is discouraged, as this judgement too often is negative. Caution can restrain our willingness to risk praising others.   As C. S. Lewis suggests, praise is uplifting and completes our enjoyment.  Authentic praise is a selfless form of gratitude which makes everyone’s world better. 

Actively seek out praising opportunities (but do be mindful that the timing is essential as many folks are modest and embarrass easily if commenced in public). 

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*:C. S. Lewis,  Reflections on the Psalms

CARING

Caring for and being cared for by others is an essential part of a constructive and productive relationship. However, in our busy lifestyle, do we actually spend enough time looking for caring opportunities or acknowledging when others look after us? Rick Hanson noted:

Caring comes in five major forms, with increasing intensity: being included, being seen, being appreciated, being liked, and being loved. Each one of these is an opportunity to feel cared about. Over time, repeatedly internalizing these experiences can build up a basis for secure attachment. As you go through your day, look for the little moments in which another person is interested, friendly, grateful, empathic, respectful, affectionate, or loving towards you.*

What I like about this thorough dissection of caring it that it opens up how you can actively care for others and similarly appreciate when others are actively caring for you.  Whereas we all know being concerned for others is central to a healthy relationship, do we necessarily know how to go about tending for others?

Starting with caring for others; it is like a dial that I can mindfully turn up and down.  Mentioning the other person’s name in a conversation with them immediately makes them feel included.  Making the effort to look them up, noting their achievements, asking genuinely curious questions about what they are doing, using  affirmative or appropriate endearing terms to describe your friendship are all caring gestures.  What is so fascinating but also disappointing about caring for others it that we probably don’t do it as deliberately or mindfully as we could or should.  Challenge yourself to proactively appreciate a specific person, through a variety of caring actions.

Noting and enjoying being cared for by others is also part of the cycle.  How often do we stop and savour those times when others are affectionate towards us?  In our hurriedness are we oblivious to the kindness of others. Do we dismiss or overlook the interest, friendliness, empathy, respect or other caring gestures sent our way? Tuning in to when we receive affection reinforces and encourages us to return the favour.

Caring matters!  We can all up our kindness quotient.  Experiment with and observe when caring is occurring: it will make for a kinder world and community. 

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*: Rick Hanson, "Resilient: 12 Tools for transforming everyday experiences into lasting happiness"

SEEING THINGS IN BLACK AND WHITE

Black and white, Yes/No, Zero/One, binary logic assumes that there are absolute solutions or answers to many of life’s riddles.  Ambiguity is unnecessary and unwelcome.  Debating, discussing or pondering complex issues seems to be politically incorrect and unwelcome at times.

There appears to be a ‘politically correct’ answer to many of the troubling challenges society is facing.  People sometimes refuse to express their opinions because they believe they are ‘not allowed to say or think that’ in public.  Between identity politics and populism, the boundaries of critical thinking and inquiry are being reduced, and scope for intolerance increased.

Are most issues where others differ that simple? Are there no trade-offs where others might see things differently?  Are their priorities universal?  Are their lenses and perceptions complete, correct or necessarily relevant? What happened to complexity, lateral thinking, compromise  and “I beg to differ” legitimacy?

Black and white logic is quick and with like-minded colleagues, effective for team and friendship building.  However, binary thinking often comes at the expense of tolerance, inclusiveness, critical thinking, liberal democracy and a civil society.  Maybe both sides are correct, but for different reasons and to different degrees.

What I am petitioning for is tolerance, inclusiveness and compromise.  If you want any semblance of peace and wellness in your life you will need to let go of being right or better than others.  Enjoy diversity of opinion.  See what you can learn from others’ perspectives.  Remember, if you mix black and white together you get grey, which is generally the equitable solution to most complicated dilemmas.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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