FAIRNESS?!?!

I have had the good fortune to travel to nine developed countries in two continents.  One thing profoundly impressed me; the post-Covid world seems to be fundamentally different from its earlier version.  What I observed was that the pandemic has sharply divided the world into those that are doing very well and those that seem left behind.  As I travelled, I saw many prosperous citizens in their newer cars and designer clothing,  and also many other citizens  that were on lower wages struggling to make ends meet.  The differences were so obvious: you could choose to look away or imagine the two opposites were not there, but they were.  I wondered whether there was an underlying sense of inequity felt by those doing less well.  Where was the fairness in all this? 

 Climate change makes the same point.  The prosperous developed world enjoys the successes and advantages of their industrial revolutions, and less developed nations deal with the legacies of the wasteful behaviours of others. The divide between the developed and the less developed nations is widening.

 Wellness is both a personal and shared blessing and obligation.  If I thrive and others struggle, then I have a duty of care to be part of the solution to this inequity and unfairness.  Our human nature naturally encourages and rewards us for being compassionate.  One of the better ways to improve your wellbeing is to be charitable and caring for others. In return,  our spirits seem to rapidly improve.

 The inequities we see around us should encourage us to move from empathy (I feel your pain) to compassion (let’s do something about your pain).  We should move from spectators of our relative prosperity to becoming part of the solution.  Some re-distribution of wealth from the fortunate to those that are truly challenged is inevitable and welcome.  

 Charity to others and gratitude for our bounty should encourage us to look at the growing social divide with a sense of compassion, not indifference. Imaging this unfairness is not present is wishful thinking and counter-productive in the longer run. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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OVER-STIMULATED

About 10,000 years ago, scientists believe, humans began to farm.  For the previous hundreds of thousands of years, we were nomadic small clans that engaged in hunting and gathering activities.  This change in lifestyle had a remarkable impact on our brains. 

 Prior to this transition, the number of people we knew was limited to the size of our group, likely less than fifty.  Our possessions were few, at maximum a few dozen.  Our terrain was not larger than 5,000 square kilometres.  Our workday was only three or four hours. Our knowledge base was limited to what was necessary for survival and protection from illness and injury.  No clocks: only the sun and moon to determine our day and night.  Money had not been invented.  Life may have been short, but it was a lot less complicated.  Our brain was stimulated at the appropriate level, it was happy and fit for purpose.

 And then we started to farm!  Agriculture was a more efficient way of providing for our nutritional needs.  This change allowed communities to develop several hundreds of members and more possessions as we were now stationary.  Trade and specialization within and between communities developed.  Life got much more complicated and stressful.  Our brain was beginning to be taxed, but it was okay.

 Today, our brain is no longer fit for purpose.  Multi-tasking, social media, commerce, cities of tens of thousands or millions, materialism and the accumulation of possessions, and friends and acquaintances in the hundreds (through social media) can be overwhelming.  The sheer number of relationships, tasks, possessions, and data exceeds our minds capacity to cope with calmly.  By all measures our minds are over-stimulated and things are only getting worse.

 It is time to de-clutter and de-stress our lives: time to start reducing the number of stimuli we experience or things we do.  Fewer is much better, but what to leave in and what to leave out? Simpler is calmer; re-centring our wellbeing.  Restated, what do I have to start doing less of?  Less news?  Reduced social media? Stop pretending I can multi-task effectively? Less hurrying about and endlessly setting myself deadlines? What do I have to do more of?  More quiet time?  More reflective and meditative activities?  Deeper friendships? 

 As we cannot re-wire or increase our brain’s capacity, what should we do instead? The issue is not work-life balance but rather life-wellness balancing.  Start with setting priorities and mindfully leaving activities in or out of our daily routines.  Experiment with less and then add more of what really matters.

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DOUBT AND FEAR

Governments and the media, to manage Covid, have deliberately encouraged fearfulness and suspicion of others to reduce our social contact and thereby manage infection rates.  Not a bad short term public policy measure, but how do we now reverse this anxiousness?  Humans are social creatures: we require social engagement to maintain our wellness. Anxiety makes one less social and more isolated.

 Fear and doubt in the longer term poison the fabric of society, as they encourage intolerance and distrust of OTHERS.  Once fear and doubt guide our social behaviours, we start to question whether OTHERS will be harmful or unhelpful to us.  Before you know it, so many otherwise normal and kind people have become a threat, those OTHERS we should be cautious of.  Personal safety would suggest we should be suspicious of more and more people (OTHERS).  Where is this going?

 All sincere and helpful forms and expressions of love or inclusion start with trust and acceptance, while acknowledging the possibility of fear and doubt.  Adding an initial conditional requirement of overcoming doubt to allow for love and caring undermines the natural rhythms of affection and inclusion.  Once you open the doubt and fear emotion, it quickly runs wild and the possibly of love and kindness decreases materially.

 Doubt and fear also threaten our confidence and courage.  Opening ourselves to questioning our goals and beliefs swiftly shuts down ambition and sensible risk taking.  Unless directly and quickly addressed, fear and doubt succeed in convincing us that it is not worth the effort or engagement to attempt  challenging or aspirational ambitions.  Doubt and fear are bottomless pits: there is no limit to how deep and dysfunctional these feelings can go in polluting our wellness and sense of worth.

 I am not suggesting mindless and careless indifference to possible threats, but rather pondering whether we have the balance right between love and doubt; trust and fear.  I feel now is the time to start thinking and designing our post-Covid life and the ‘new normal’.  The more positive emotions like love, kindness, inclusion and tolerance are incorporated into this new, revised world, the more promising our tomorrows will be.  .

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CHORE OR BLESSING?

Recently I faced a rather challenging situation. I had to personally move 2 tons (1,800 K) of gravel from the top of my driveway to its final resting place about 100 m at the bottom of my garden.   The gravel had to be carried in a bucket as a wheelbarrow was not an option.  I faced a choice: was this undertaking going to become a miserable chore or a wonderful blessing?

 To me the answer was obvious, as these materials were not going to move themselves.  TOTAL BLESSING!!  Having decided I was fortunate, I needed to convince myself I was indeed lucky.  I had to adjust my mindset to make the feat seem inviting, promising and worthwhile. Being enthusiastic was possible: I just had to do mind games to convince myself real progress was happening. Over two days, the gravel made its journey to the pathway far below. Then, I had to stand back and savour the improvement, feeling great satisfaction at what I had accomplished.

 My point is that often we face distasteful but unavoidable assignments.  Given the tasks inevitable nature, we must decide whether it is an unpleasant chore or a blessing.  Unfortunately, our default setting seems to be less hopeful, and the project lives up to its disappointing conclusion.  The more we remind ourselves that the chore is distasteful, the more it becomes exactly so.  However, without a lot of effort we can mindfully re-frame that challenge into an uplifting experience. 

 As a university lecturer, marking scripts is without a doubt the low point in the semester.  So many of my colleagues drag out the ordeal which only makes matter worse and the students more disheartened.  However, by designing the marking process with lots of breaks and mini-achievements, I was able to complete the grading quickly and fairly and with a personal sense of joy that it was over.  Each of us in our respective careers face these repetitive challenges, so see how you can re-frame and/or re-design yours so they feel more like blessings than chores.

 When you face an inevitable or daunting task, frame and approach it with enthusiasm and joy and the challenge will become a project of joy.  Mindfully practicing this positive head game absolutely works.

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JET LAG

Recently I travelled and was blessed with jet lag.  Yes, BLESSED!!  I had not experienced jet lag in almost two years, and what a total joy it was.  Why?  Because jet lags means I have travelled at least six or more time zones away and must be in a very different environment  / continent.  And isn’t that what travelling is all about?

 Jet lag takes about three days to get over, with the second afternoon and night being less than comfortable or complete, but after that your body clock resets and the adventure really starts.

 Like many of the more special experiences of life, there are some downsides but also immense upsides.  Some inconveniences are generally the price we pay for the awesome memories. 

 The saying ‘No pain, no gain’ is, in my experience, absolutely true.  It doesn’t take long for the gains to materialize and the pains to disappear from our awareness and recollection. 

 I admit that initially I am very aware  of the challenges and costs of engaging in a new activity. However, I approach these teething challenges as the price to be paid.  Knowing in advance there will be “jet lag” makes the actual occurrence more manageable.  Instead, I try to focus on the benefit any  challenges afford.  Causing awesome memoires often requires an adventurous spirit, willing to seek out new knowledge and experiences.  The pains and the gains merge into new and vibrant recollections that will be savoured  for a very long time.

 There is a 100% effective and safe cure for jet lag: never journey far from home.  If one never changes and tries new experiences, then the adjustments and challenges of new adventures will never be felt.  Certainly, there will be few pains, but similarly there will be few gains.  Look carefully at your cost-benefits and consider am I playing things too safe? Maybe it would be advantageous to live with a little more risk taking and uncertainty.

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FEAR AND FRACTIONS

Christine Lagarde suggested: 

Fear is incomplete information.

Whereas incomplete knowledge is not the only explanation for being fearful, it certainly plays a leading role. The fight or flight reflex is based on the premise that where there is uncertainty, our primal instinct is to be frightened and alert, until we are better informed about what is going on. Better to be cautious then casual.

 In 2021, is our fearful nature appropriate or helpful? The rate of deaths per million (or thousand) from war, natural disasters, violence, disease, famine, pandemics and dictatorships has NEVER been as low as it is now. (*) Absolutely, the numbers are high, but today there are over 7.8 billion humans compared to 1.9 billion humans a century earlier: a fourfold increase.  Furthermore, death and tragedy unfortunately make “good” news reporting and increase readership.

An important part of fear management is taking Christine's observation to a rather mundane but useful topic of fractions (and probability). Yes, there are many worrying phenomenon out there (take your pick), but how real are these risks to you? Taking the example of Covid, for much of the early reporting days during the first wave in the UK, the media  focused on the absolute number of US fatalities but failed to note that their rate per million was much lower than the UK or most EU states. No one talked about Belgium, which was in by far the worst state. On the other end, Canada (and BC particularly), was the poster child of excellence, but it was difficult to discern any calm.

So, what is my point? Certainly not to be negligent or foolhardy.  But rather to pause when things are becoming anxious and consider the rate and type of danger imagined. How likely is the challenge contemplated going to happen?  Is it one in a hundred, thousand, million or ???? Note that a daily rate of one in a million means, on average, it will take 1,000,000 days (or 2,740 years) before it will affect you, in all likelihood.  When an event is reported, pause and consider what the sample size is (usually very small, perhaps a few dozen) and the total population size that the sample is taken from (usually very large and in the millions).  Suddenly the news item becomes uninteresting, and your fear subsides.

Observing your fears objectively and rationally may result in many of them evaporating, which makes for a better day.  Rather sober and boring advice to imagine the rate of the phenomena, but that is what more complete knowledge looks like. Remember, there is a third alternative to fight or flight, being to PAUSE and reflect.

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*:  Consider the research of Steven Pinker (The Better Angels of Our Nature) or Hans Rosling (Factfulness), which conclude that life is far safer now than it has ever been in recorded history, after looking at actual data (inevitably we all do die but much older, on average, than ever before).

MORE STUFF

So much gets in the way of our wellness, with our desire for the acquisition of more and more things being near the top of the list of soul corrupting influences.

The desire for things encourages at least five emotions that can undermine our wellbeing. Without prioritizing them, a strong connection with material things often leads to feelings of jealousy, envy, greed, coveting, or a sense of entitlement.  We think these emotions will be satisfied by acquiring more of whatever, but we are rarely satisfied for long, and one goal is replaced by another in our efforts to be satisfied. This perpetual craving for more and the quick adjustment to the new level of success or acquisition is called the Hedonistic treadmill, rarely one advance their wellness by having more or newer stuff.

One can mount a strong offence against these desires by starting with gratitude. Gratitude not only silences much of our craving, but also quiets most of our sense of entitlement. Next, rather than wanting more, start giving things away. Soon, having less feels better than having more. Ask yourself whether you feel like a security guard protecting your possessions, or do you frequently enjoy your bounty? Ponder what it would feel like to lose those things:  how long would it take to get over it, or how much sleep would you lose?  Ask yourself what few processions would you save if you suddenly had to be evacuated from your home?  How long does the buzz of that new object last before it is just part of your collection of stuff? Research suggests that spending money on experiences has much greater and longer positive consequences than consuming tangible things.

My experience has taught me to be on the side of wanting fewer things, more meaningful experiences, leisure over financial gain, quality rather than quantity and giving things away over accumulating things. I think this makes for a more balanced wellbeing. Life is not about becoming a minimalist, but it is about finding your equilibrium between the accumulation of stuff and your wellness.

 Do not become a hostage to your stuff!

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TWO WEATHER APPS

Part of becoming more British is that one learns to forever fret about the weather. My wife cannot go to bed without checking the forecast and the day starts with a detailed projection of what is coming next.  The British like to tell you when the next rain is expected, so you make the most of it if it is looking promising today.

I am resisting the urge, but I do have two weather apps on my phone.  Earlier this week I checked them both for the local conditions.  At precisely the same time (and likely using the same data) the story they told was rather different: I had to check again whether the location was the same.  One showed clouds and rain at that moment and for much of the morning.  The other showed the sun behind a cloud and suggested the potential of light showers. They both agreed the temperature currently was 14C.  The actual morning was light rain, but nothing worth getting worked up about.

Aren’t these two apps like life? Two of us can look out of the window, read an article or listen to a piece of music and have such different experiences. We are each entitled to how we process our reality, but which app is better for our wellness: clouds and rain or sun with clouds?

A long time ago, the sun with clouds perspective became my dominant view. When events were going well, I relish that moment, and when the circumstances were challenging, I look for the silver lining.   Initially framing things positively took some effort, but before long no prodding was necessary. I learned that for those circumstances that you cannot change, you need to let go of them. Where you have some influence, you need to make the best of what you can do, feeling blessed that you are in that moment none-the-less. Maybe you think I am very naïve or on another planet, and you are most  likely correct, but so what! I have trained myself to be more joyful in my present moment and be excited for whatever is coming up next.  The uncertainty of what it next is exciting, not fearful. An important part of my personal smaller cup theory is to keep as much positivity and gratitude in my cup, looking for awe and wonder and minimizing whatever may bring me down.

Which is your life app: clouds and rain or sun with clouds?  And if you live in Britain,  learn to let go of the weather, unless you are going out cycling!!

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY

 John Lennon noted:

‘Everything will be okay in the end … 

If it’s not okay, then it is not the end.’"

This short observation of life certainly has been proven correct so many times in my life.  Looking back at my many missteps and errors, I note that but for a very few occasions, things ended on satisfactory or pleasing notes; they did indeed end up being okay. We all make mistakes, but somehow things seem to work out, eventually. 

To start the process of recovery, it was essential that I privately and profoundly acknowledged my mistakes, accepting responsibility for my actions and the consequences: no blame shifting or looking for scape goats.  Feeling a victim only prolongs the healing process.  Next, there must be a lesson to be learned: to make mistakes is human, to repeat the mistake is total foolishness.  Where apologies or requests for forgiveness are required, we need to get on with it.  Where there were others involved that may have contributed to the situation, unconditional forgiving of them may also be required. 

Now the harder part; waiting and patience.  Reasonably, when I erred, it is fair game that some time is required to absorb, learn from and get over the event.  Nothing instant or overnight.  Months may pass but the “not being okay” state did pass eventually.  What was curious was when the dust finally settled, the new “okay” was frequently very different then I had imagined and sometimes better than before the process started.

Finally, let’s check if matters are actually OKAY.  Looking at my past transgressions I apply the erase test.  What is this?  Imagine that personal error had never occurred and 100% of ALL related knock-on effects were forever erased and had also never occurred.  Speculate as to whether you would be where you are today, in your current reality.  More likely than  not, much of your current circumstances would be otherwise. If you are okay with where you are now, then indeed it is the end of that episode and it did end well.

Work with the healing process: matters will be okay or better, eventually.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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COURAGE

The pandemic has brought to my attention how differently individuals have reacted to the risks associated with Covid.  At one end there are those that have taken the idea of social distancing to the extreme.  A sense of anxiousness envelops them.  Some others have an almost, ”What’s the problem?” perspective.  Indifference describes them. And somewhere in-between most of us sit. Our reactions display different levels of anxiety and fear. Or posed another way, how much courage you have.

It is worth noting that you cannot be courageous unless you are also afraid: courage is about how you handle being frightened. Courage is not allowing fear to rule your decisions.  Courage is about how you deal with uncertainty; do you run away or carefully consider the odds and alternatives and make an informed confident decision accordingly.

A world that does not require courage would be a world where nothing changes: a place of  total certainty, no surprises, no mystery or adventure. There is no correct reaction to the challenges, but life outcomes are materially influenced by your “courage choices.”

The brain does not fully develop the part that manages risk taking until your late teens.  One reason suggested is that being more fearless and courageous as a youngster gives us boundaries as to what works and what doesn’t.  Later, when we become parents, this helps us provide saver environments for our own children.  An important part of maturity is the lessons learned from your successful and unsuccessful life experiments and experiences of your youth.

How do you cope with fearful situations?   Do you default to being afraid, or push to expand your comfort zone and sense of adventure?  May I suggest being continuously more courageous is the way to go, but one step-at-a-time. Remember to learn from your successes and failures, don’t repeat your disappointments and adjust your risk-taking accordingly.

Note: Please get vaccinated: it is good for others (and yourself).

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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DO THINGS FOR THE RIGHT REASONS

Why do I do what I do when I do what I do?  We see a focus on the quick pay-off, hit-and-run motivation driving so much of our life.  Do whatever, bill the client, get a jolt of pleasure and ignore whether there is a higher purpose to our existence.  Do I ask whether my conduct is proper in the long run?  Is what I do helpful for humanity? My soul? My community? 

I would argue that putting money, success or a moment of pleasure before wellness is a formula for disappointment and underachievement.  Much better to do things for noble reasons.  The fruit of this will certainly be a more positive sense of self and purpose.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, you reap what you sow.   When we only concern ourselves with the short term, we get an immediate but non-sustainable bit of joy.  Before you do something, speculate whether it is good for your longer-term goals.  If yes, you will likely be rewarded with a more joyful and purposeful future. 

I have also been so fortunate to teach students who became extremely successful in their chosen career.  What distinguished them way back when I first encountered them was that they were fascinated and excited with commerce.  They sought out their career for the right reason; it empowered and inspired them and now they are respected leaders in their communities.

Doing things for short term benefits is largely a zero-sum strategy. You get back an amount equal to what you give up.  Do things for less noble reasons and you may get a short term pay-off, but in the longer term your reputation for integrity and honesty may be challenged.

Do things because it is good for others, the environment, or for a higher purpose. Over an extended period one of the most prized benefits will emerge, a good reputation.  Others will see you as someone with integrity, someone they trust, want to do business with and be with.

Regularly consider whether your actions will improve or undermine your reputation. If your reputation is improved, your well-being will also flourish.

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BEING A BETTER YOU

Seven independent themes in the self-improvement literature are listed below:

          I.            Be the best version of yourself that you can be.

        II.            Only compare yourself to your yesterday.

     III.            Go with your strengths, manage your weaknesses.

     IV.            Be kind to yourself.

       V.            Strive to be 0.1% better every day.

     VI.            Acknowledge and savour your successes.

  VII.            What gets measured or observed gets done.

VIII.            Risk excellence.

I have not seen these suggestions combined, but taken together they are an excellent strategy for self-improvement:

To put this process into action, start by making an inventory of both your strengths and your weaknesses. Be honest and blunt about yourself, as none of us are either perfect or totally imperfect.  Next, select one or two of the weaknesses that are hampering you from becoming a better person.  For example, I decided to focus on being more patient and less prone to being frustrated.  Then, mindfully monitor your thoughts and actions. 

Compare your progress in managing your weaknesses.  Expect setbacks but also progress.  After a few weeks, change tact, and select one or two of your redeeming qualities which can also be improved and increase the frequency that you express them. Ultimately it is always better to lead with your strengths and manage your weaknesses. Interestingly, when you change your focus, the earlier targets still get attention in your sub-conscious self.  Shaking things up accelerates becoming a better version of you.

Please be kind to yourself.  That’s where the 0.1% daily improvement goal comes into play.  Whereas 0.1% sound small, that is precisely the point.  Being a better you is a  continuous improvement project, played out over a lifetime.  Small, baby steps do make huge differences in a relatively short period of time.  At 0.1% daily improvement, after a year you are a 40% better version of yourself; that is serious progress!

Finally, please acknowledge your progress.  This encourages you to keep on track and set new goals and expectations.  What get measures or observed gets done;  and what you do not recognize tends to lapse.  If you ignore your effort, it may only be a short matter of time before your “better you” project fails.

Being the best version of you is a project well worth investing in.  The rewards for you and your acquaintances will be significant. Risk excellence!

 Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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PRAISE

Authentic and timely praise is an expression of approval, honour, respect, admiration or commendation for the achievement or qualities of someone or something.   

Over the past two weeks there has been so much sincere praise for the achievements of Olympic athletes.  Perhaps it is timely to ponder how this admiration resonated within us.  C. S. Lewis wrote:

The most obvious fact about praise … strangely escaped me … I had never noticed that all enjoyment spontaneously overflows into praise … the world rings with praise … walkers praising the countryside, players praising their favourite game – praise of weather, wines, dishes, actors, horses, colleges, countries, historical personages, children, flowers, mountains, rare stamps, rare books, even sometimes politicians and scholars… I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment; it is its appointed consummation*

When an athlete did something spectacular,  we marvelled and enjoyed their success. Had we been there, we would likely have clapped, stood up and cheered  to honour and admire their success, and smiled and enjoyed the event.

Praising others is a uniquely empowering emotion. It improves the wellbeing of the recipient when sincerely given, at an appropriate moment.  This admiration has a second personal benefit, as it brings us into the present moment and our own spirits are enhanced.  By praising others, we also elevate our own wellness.

Think about it.  When your compliment your partner, colleague, child or friend for doing something noteworthy, what happens?  First, it puts both of you into the present moment. Then the relationship gets a positive boost as the recipient appreciates your attentiveness and relishes your tribute.  And all along you are spontaneously feeling uplifted and happy.

Being judgemental is discouraged, as this judgement too often is negative. Caution can restrain our willingness to risk praising others.   As C. S. Lewis suggests, praise is uplifting and completes our enjoyment.  Authentic praise is a selfless form of gratitude which makes everyone’s world better. 

Actively seek out praising opportunities (but do be mindful that the timing is essential as many folks are modest and embarrass easily if commenced in public). 

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*:C. S. Lewis,  Reflections on the Psalms

CARING

Caring for and being cared for by others is an essential part of a constructive and productive relationship. However, in our busy lifestyle, do we actually spend enough time looking for caring opportunities or acknowledging when others look after us? Rick Hanson noted:

Caring comes in five major forms, with increasing intensity: being included, being seen, being appreciated, being liked, and being loved. Each one of these is an opportunity to feel cared about. Over time, repeatedly internalizing these experiences can build up a basis for secure attachment. As you go through your day, look for the little moments in which another person is interested, friendly, grateful, empathic, respectful, affectionate, or loving towards you.*

What I like about this thorough dissection of caring it that it opens up how you can actively care for others and similarly appreciate when others are actively caring for you.  Whereas we all know being concerned for others is central to a healthy relationship, do we necessarily know how to go about tending for others?

Starting with caring for others; it is like a dial that I can mindfully turn up and down.  Mentioning the other person’s name in a conversation with them immediately makes them feel included.  Making the effort to look them up, noting their achievements, asking genuinely curious questions about what they are doing, using  affirmative or appropriate endearing terms to describe your friendship are all caring gestures.  What is so fascinating but also disappointing about caring for others it that we probably don’t do it as deliberately or mindfully as we could or should.  Challenge yourself to proactively appreciate a specific person, through a variety of caring actions.

Noting and enjoying being cared for by others is also part of the cycle.  How often do we stop and savour those times when others are affectionate towards us?  In our hurriedness are we oblivious to the kindness of others. Do we dismiss or overlook the interest, friendliness, empathy, respect or other caring gestures sent our way? Tuning in to when we receive affection reinforces and encourages us to return the favour.

Caring matters!  We can all up our kindness quotient.  Experiment with and observe when caring is occurring: it will make for a kinder world and community. 

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*: Rick Hanson, "Resilient: 12 Tools for transforming everyday experiences into lasting happiness"

PAUSING, RELISHING, SAVOURING AND LEARNING*

For as long back as I can remember, I have had this habit of privately re-playing my small successes or joyful experiences.  I pause, count my blessings and let that moment really sink in.  What I only recently discovered was that this relishing process was doing something constructive for my overall well-being. *

What I was building were neurological connections in my brain that were changing the way I experienced, processed, perceived and remembered my circumstances.  As the activating event was pleasurable, I was building a reflex process that almost automatically triggered positive emotions when similar situations presented themselves again.  I was unconsciously using Hebb’s theory, summarized as:

“(Brain) Cells that fire together, wire together”.

As I got older, I learned how to make this positive wellness process work more effectively.  When it is suggested that I “smell the coffee” and be in the moment, that is what I did.  The key improvement is that I had a step-by-step plan in place as to how to make that “coffee” moment more easily replicated. I mindfully pause in that experience, savour it, acknowledge that I am feeling joyful and then isolate what is especially special and unique about that moment.  I reward myself for being in that fortunate moment by learning from it, joining it to previous similar times and generalizing about how to replay that positive scenario again when similar situations are present.  As I build my inventory of wellness moments and triggers, the process starts to run on its own.

Working backwards, when negative or challenging events occur, you can use this process to make them less influential to your overall wellness.  The key is not to harbour less pleasant moments and avoid creating reflexes systems that accommodate and reinforce them. Restated, don’t build negative neuron pathways in your brain that intensify and default to regret and sad ruminations when triggered by challenging events.  

Being in the now is awesome and when that NOW moment is wonderful then so much the better.  Mindfully pause, relish and savour that experience. Watch and enjoy the wiring, re-wiring and programming of your brain and learn how to make your neurons enhance your well being.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*: Rick Hanson in his book, "Resilient: 12 Tools for transforming everyday experiences into lasting happiness" uses what he calls the HEAL process to implement what I am describing.

BEING PATIENT

Being patient is not one of my strong points.  Being impatient has, on more than one occasion, had significant career consequences.  However, as I have gotten older, I have improved on this score.   Recently, I learned a bit of the science behind patience, which has improved my ability to demonstrate it.

Patience might sound like a modest virtue, but it’s the essence of two primary factors in mental health and worldly success. The first is delay of gratification, the willingness to put off immediate rewards for the sake of a greater future reward. The second is distress tolerance, the capacity to endure a painful or uncomfortable experience without making a bad thing worse.*

What I find helpful from this dissection of patience is that it identifies two rather different inputs: delaying gratification and distress tolerance.  Each of these give me ideas for different strategies to manage my impatience. 

Explicitly acknowledging that I am delaying gratification keeps me focused on the fact that the reward is coming, I just must wait.  Being mindful I am deferring gratification lets me know what I should be doing, and thereby significantly reduces  my impatience.  Knowing that I am practicing deferring gratification is helpful, as this skill is one of the most important contributors to overall wellness and success.  Mindfully waiting for pleasure or joy also materially enhances the later happiness.

Being made to wait for something pleasurable induces an element of distress or discomfort.  Knowing this is part of the process, I just grin and bear it. Knowing the stress will go away soon enough makes waiting that much easier. I remember when I quit smoking (eighteen years ago), just by distracting myself for ten seconds it took my mind off the cigarette, and the desire to smoke would go away (and it generally did). 

Recently, I was in a slow car parade with the lead driver going 2/3 of the posted speed limit.  I practiced being patient.  I started with acknowledging that all I was deferring was the idea of getting home a little earlier.  The distress tolerance started by accepting that fact that the experience was not really that unpleasant and getting home sooner or later by five minutes was no big deal.  Seeing others behind and in front of me suggested I was not alone; misery often loves company.  Patience prevailed over getting too worked up.

I’m no poster person for patience.  However, being able to reason and feel my way through the waiting period allows my slow thinking self to take over my fast thinking nature.  Using the science behind patience does encourage greater serenity. Learning and being more patient is so good for the soul. 

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*: Rick Hanson, "Resilient: 12 Tools for transforming everyday experiences into lasting happiness"

SEEING THINGS IN BLACK AND WHITE

Black and white, Yes/No, Zero/One, binary logic assumes that there are absolute solutions or answers to many of life’s riddles.  Ambiguity is unnecessary and unwelcome.  Debating, discussing or pondering complex issues seems to be politically incorrect and unwelcome at times.

There appears to be a ‘politically correct’ answer to many of the troubling challenges society is facing.  People sometimes refuse to express their opinions because they believe they are ‘not allowed to say or think that’ in public.  Between identity politics and populism, the boundaries of critical thinking and inquiry are being reduced, and scope for intolerance increased.

Are most issues where others differ that simple? Are there no trade-offs where others might see things differently?  Are their priorities universal?  Are their lenses and perceptions complete, correct or necessarily relevant? What happened to complexity, lateral thinking, compromise  and “I beg to differ” legitimacy?

Black and white logic is quick and with like-minded colleagues, effective for team and friendship building.  However, binary thinking often comes at the expense of tolerance, inclusiveness, critical thinking, liberal democracy and a civil society.  Maybe both sides are correct, but for different reasons and to different degrees.

What I am petitioning for is tolerance, inclusiveness and compromise.  If you want any semblance of peace and wellness in your life you will need to let go of being right or better than others.  Enjoy diversity of opinion.  See what you can learn from others’ perspectives.  Remember, if you mix black and white together you get grey, which is generally the equitable solution to most complicated dilemmas.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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UNGRATITUDE

I know that ungratitude is not a word, but it is an idea and common natural emotion or reaction today. Gratitude is one of the most essential and powerful nutrients to wellness, it can act as a catalyst which quickly moves one into a better place.  Put differently, a sense of  wellbeing is virtually impossible without being partly grounded in gratitude and thankfulness.

As the prefix “un” often means opposite, it is this notion that I am pondering.  So, what is the opposite attitude or feeling to gratitude? Please pause for a moment and challenge yourself to conjure up what is the best single word that is the antitheses to gratitude. I think it is:

  Entitlement.

What is gratitude? I would suggest it could be being thankful for something that happened to you. It could be about getting something randomly that is just wonderful, and so you appreciate your good fortune. It could also be about feeling undeservedly blessed or just plain lucky.  Isn’t entitlement the opposite reaction?

Entitlement is when you feel that it is your right to expect your good fortune, that you have earned it, and equally to not be so blessed is unfair or unjust.  When receiving favourable treatment or positive outcomes is considered the norm, then why would anyone feel a need to be grateful or thankful?

Yes, we are entitled to many rights and benefits, but even for these preferences it is helpful to also feel grateful.  The less you feel entitled to, the more you can have a sense of gratitude for. 

An important aspect of having a smaller cup is to view most of your rights as privileges, giving you more room for appreciating your situation. When something is considered an entitlement, it can  undermine your joyfulness. Put another way, the more you feel entitled to, the bigger and emptier your cup will seem. 

It is helpful to be aware that many  perceived entitlements are not free or may come at the expense of someone else’s rights or their entitlements.  There is no such thing as a free lunch: everything has non-financial and financial costs.  How do your entitlements affect others and their rights?

By re-classifying most of your entitlements or rights as privileges an enormous opportunity is created for gratitude and improved wellbeing.  Feeling grateful certainly beats feeling jealous and all the other emotions grounded in entitlement.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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IF LIFE IS A JOURNEY, THEN ….

I often refer to my life as a journey and forget that there have been and are so many people on this journey with me.  Perhaps I should modify this refrain and state rather:  “My life is a PLANE journey”, for so it was and is.

As I pause and reflect on this communal voyage, I am amazed how many others have made this trip so awesome.  Passengers have got on and off my PLANE, changed their seats to be nearer and further from me, some occasionally taking over the driving or encouraging me to stop. I have been taken to places I had never imagined. Sometimes I was the only one on my plane, which was intense because of its lonesomeness.  Then there were a few nuisance travel-mates who pulled me off track and/or damaged the engine of my plane.  But at the end of the day, I am grateful for EVERY fellow passenger on my life’s plane journey, the wonderful and the troublesome.

What is so inspiring is the wonderful tapestry of serendipitous views and events that my companions shared.  As I look at the seating plan, I was generally in the economy class and occasionally got bumped up to business or first class.    Who were those pilots that strongly influenced my journey?  Who were the stewards who made the trip so comfortable?  Who sat in the seats beside, in-front and behind me?

Wow, what an amazing cast of fellow travelers have been part of my continuing journey.  As I pause and take inventory, there are fifteen or twenty passengers that I can name that I am profoundly grateful to for sharing my journey.  I love savouring their companionship and what it brought with it.  And then there are the thousands of others who paths I crossed who added marvelous colour and depth to the scenery.

So, who are your traveling companions on your plane journey of life? What is your seating plan? What can you bring to another’s life journey to make their journey more joyful?  Once in the while,  stop looking out the window and watch your fellow passengers!

Do make your life journey and plane ride a trip that works for you.  Relish the fellowship and banter of your traveling buddies.  And let go a little about the destination, provided you keep going in the general direction that lines up with your life mission and purpose.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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I DON’T KNOW

Early in my career, when I was asked a question that challenged my knowledge or understanding I would venture an answer based on my best educated guess.  Partly out of pride and false confidence, an answer would emerge. 

 Then one day I changed my reply to: “That was a good question. I don’t know. Can I get back to you on that?” if I was less than certain of the answer.

 Publicly acknowledging that I did not know was wonderful; a true breath of relief to admit my limitations.  Letting go of thinking or acting as if you know more than you really do is such a joy.  It encouraged my learning and zeal in my area of expertise as I now had topics to explore more carefully and curiously.  That small uncertainty was so exciting, I could probe some obscure issue with a new perspective.

 I have learned to understand the empowerment of admitting I don’t know and sharing my limitations that with others.  This honesty increases the confidence in what I do know and understand, but adds a note of humility and sincerity to my advice and instruction.  It is okay to have gaps in your knowledge.

 I noticed that others were fine with me not knowing the precise answer, particularly when I did get back to them later.  This ignorance seemed to increase their trust in what I otherwise suggested.  Being overconfident in your expertise is unnecessary and possibly even unprofessional.

 Being humble and honest about what you don’t know opens you to being in awe of your body of knowledge.  Exploring these omissions is good for your critical thinking abilities.  Humbly admitting you don’t know something is excellent medicine for your well-being.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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