Jealousy

In the early ‘90s I travelled about China and learned a curious term the Chinese had for jealousy.  I was told the Chinese sometimes called it “red-eye disease**”. China was in the early stages of its amazing economic transformation, but there were signs already of what economic prosperity could do the social fabric of a country.  Just below the surface lurked envy and jealousy of the more fortunate.  Back then in China having an electric fan, a fridge or a foreign made TV were top of the list of objects most envied and displayed in one’s home.

In the West, a similar phenomenon is rampant and thriving, only here we call envy the “green eyed monster”. Consumerism, materialism, designer brands and the celebrity culture all promote cravings for what one does not have, and a jealousy of those who HAVE IT, whatever it is.  Advertising and social media aim to make us mindful of what is missing in our lives, telling us if we only had “X” then we would be happy.

Mark Twain noted that “comparison is the death of joy,” as the act of comparing generally focuses our minds on what we do not have, rather than what we possess already. 

Very likely anyone reading this reflection is in the top 5% or better of the world population in terms of income, possessions, education, health and wealth, and yet we still can desire more, without considering our very good fortune.

The most effective key to well-being is an attitude of gratitude, the very opposite of jealousy.  Rather than having a half full or empty glass, a smaller glass is the best antidote to red-eye disease, and it is free and immune to marketing.

**: 眼红 is a Chinese slang that is used to describe someone who is jealous of another person who is better off than oneself.

Telescope or Microscope?

Are you viewing life through a telescope of wonder and promise?  Or are you viewing life through a microscope of what is missing and remiss?  Are you looking upwards with awe and amazement or looking inward with disappointment and longing? 

When I look upwards, whether at the moon, clouds, blue sky or that distant hill it usually inspires me about the awesomeness of my surroundings and good fortune.  Pleasure and joy are the more frequent emotions.  When I look forward, I do see beauty but also walls, traffic, and other obstacles. I feel grounded and grateful for my bounty. When I look down, I too often see litter, cracks in the sidewalk and don’t feel especially positive.  And when I start looking inward what I see too often is what is missing, not what is there.

 It is essential to be mindful of your circumstances and challenges, and to have compassion for those that are less blessed. These microscopic perspectives on your present moment keep you grounded and real.  But does this depict the present moment as an opportunity full of promise or just more of the same-old same-old?  Being introspective or retrospective limits the possible perspective of looking upward at a richer now.

Telescoping upward in your present moment opens wonder.  Have you ever looked at the moon on a clear night, or a view of a distant mountain, or a seascape and felt disappointment?  Yet when your microscope inward do your spirits generally improve?  Yes, please ponder who you are, where you are at and mystery of life.  But spend at least as much time looking up at all the beauty around and above you.

Given a choice of whether to use a microscope or a telescope to look for what is and isn’t there, give me the telescope any time.  What is beyond is infinite and limitless, whereas what is within is finite and limited. Do spend more time looking upwards: there is a lot out there that is outside our imaginations.

 Please be kind, patient and thoughtful to your partner and others.

WILL YOU LIKE IT AS MUCH AS YOU WANT IT?

Have you ever bought something you craved for a long time and experienced an immediate rush and real joy?  You were so pleased, it looked marvelous or did just what you imagined it would.  A few days or weeks later, the excitement is gone and you are right back to where you started. That is called the Hedonistic Treadmill, where new achievements or objects become the new normal and you return to your natural state of wellness.  Will you really like it as much as you want it?  Probably not!  As good example of this is the new puppy (car, dress, mobile) situation.  How many times have you enjoyed that new thing weeks or months later?

 So, is there any way to reduce this dilemma?  Yes.  Start with the obvious solution of consciously wanting fewer things.  Generally more or new is not better.  Next define what it is that this new object provides that is unique and an improvement.  What is this thing actually going to do that will improve your lot, or are you a victim of advertising?  Define what it is you are hoping to get from this acquisition, is it pleasure or wellness?  Nothing necessarily wrong with either, just useful to be clear in advance because you will get what you pay for.  Will there be a hangover, as in later maintenance, upkeep or regular attention (as in the cute puppy and the later care of a dog for the next twelve years)?  Where would you store it; is there room?!!

 After all this does it mean that you never shop again?  Absolutely no!!  Take an inventory of those few things you have that really speak to you, that continue to bring you joy years later.  What was it about these things that just worked?  What is it about that thing that you savour? Figure out what is uniquely awesome about that item and use that criteria as part of your shopping agenda and selection process.

 Finally, there is ample research that suggests that amazing experiences far outrank things in term of improving our wellness. 

Happy shopping!!  I hope you like it at least as much as you wanted it.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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GIVING

Wellness science is clear: gratitude is the most important attitude to improve one’s wellbeing, closely followed by generosity.  Both of these attitudes trigger rewards in the brain.  Why?  Because humans are social beings, gratitude and generosity implicitly improve social relationships. This enhanced the survival rate of the primitive clans or tribes.  Groups that were grateful and generous to their members were more successful, cohesive and prosperous.

The wonderful thing about giving is it has so many expressions. 

On the tangible level, there are three forms of giving, Time, Talent and Treasury (money).  Each of us likely has an abundance of one of these, which we could be more generous with to the common good.

Sharing goods is a convenient and low-cost form of giving.  Perhaps we have tools, music, books, clothing or space which others might appreciate using and then returning. Watching others use and enjoy our possessions does lift one’s spirits.

Acts of kindness are a spontaneous form of giving. Being kind to those we are close to is wonderful but going to the next stage of doing random acts of kindness to strangers takes the personal reward of giving to a higher and more beneficial level.  Gathering rubbish in our neighborhood, being courteous in traffic congestion, carrying goods for someone overburdened:  the possibilities are endless once one is on the lookout  for opportunities to be kind.

Paying someone an unexpected compliment is a simple act of giving. The smile and joy the other person feels is immediate and reciprocal, and being there to share that pleasure is our prize.  Interestingly, praising others, especially in the workplace, subtly improves the work culture of the organization as praise multiples.

An underutilized form of  giving is forgiving, letting go of wrongs we have experienced.  Forgiving starts us releasing the pent-up anger we harbour.  Without engaging with the perpetrator, this letting go brings immediate relief.  If we go to the next step and address the person who wronged us and let them know of our forgiveness, all the better. 

There are so many avenues for giving, so avail of as many as you can.  As Anne Frank noted: 

No one has ever become poor by giving.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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A useful link to learn more about the science behind generosity:

https://harrytprewitt.medium.com/scientific-proof-of-generosity-contributing-to-human-happiness-643178c90206

Less Attachment

One of the core principles of Buddhism is the notion of non-attachment.  Buddhists believe that attachment (clinging onto things) is the root of suffering.  It is hard to disagree that strong attachment to possessions can frequently lead to or increase suffering.  Materialism is hardly the road to well-being.

Recently during the night someone stole my shiny new mountain bike, and my attachment tendencies were tested.  Yes, I fussed about the loss for a few minutes, and then I came to a decision: should I ruminate (attachment) or let go (detachment).  Letting go took the sting out of the loss and made getting on with my day very easy. By noon the sense of loss was gone.

As I reflected on my loss, I had to decide whether I was a janitor or security guard of my belongings and captured by them or someone with a fortunate short-term lease.  Borrowing, using, enjoying and letting go is so much more peaceful and less stressful.

Please don’t assume that I do not have an attachment nature and cling to nothing.  No way!  I do appreciate my creature comforts and possessions (travel watch, music, photos) but focus on the joy and gratitude I experience when using them.  Being attached to fewer things and savouring those fewer things certainly beats accumulating and worrying about your belongings. 

As I thought about the theft more, I took a mental inventory of my possessions that I truly lament were I to forfeit them.  What was left was a few material items of significant sentimental value (but limited market value), and the rest was baggage.  Wonderful memories quickly came to the forefront as my more prized possessions, and these cannot be readily forfeited.  Remembering your blessings is an attachment worth cherishing.

Take your own inventory; if the list is too long, consider whether you have become the janitor and watch person and have been captured by your attachments.  Less attachment and more active sharing and gratitude are worthwhile attachments.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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SEVENTY

I deliberately avoid getting too personal in my reflections, but today is an exception.  Why? Because today I turn the big SEVEN ZERO.  What a long, awesome and strange trip it has been.  A few days of regret and all the other moments mostly shades of joy, gratitude and being blessed.  So what have I learned?

The most important thing has been my evolving spiritual journey.  Allowing for the sense of sacredness puts my circumstances in perspective and keeps me on task. I have learned to look upward, then inward, and finally outward. This has  empowered me with a positive sense of purpose, peace and connection, and allows me to live in the present moment, without focusing too much on past mistakes or future worries. 

 The sense of some things being sacred encouraged me to not take myself too seriously, as I am extremely insignificant.  Knowing I am unimportant allows me to be carefree and have a very positive attitude.  Setbacks (of which there were many) really didn’t matter.  The key is to be optimistic in the present moment.  I learned that taking myself too seriously just sets me up to be especially judgemental, pensive, self-conscious  and other than joyful and alive.

 Discovering the power of gratitude was one of my epiphany moments.  Making gratefulness be a central plank of my daily rituals and awareness opened possibilities for joy  and positivity.  What an empowering discovery gratitude is!

About fifty years ago I learned a simple truth:  We are all extremely similar and  largely  differ on how we apply and actualize our similarity.  Being similar does not undermine being special. Exaggerating our uniqueness is often unhelpful, whereas being okay with who are makes such a different. What I want you likely want and what I don’t want you likely don’t want either.  Wow!!  Appreciating the power of this unifying theme allows me to interact with others freely and honestly.  Restraining our goodness because we think we are the only one feeling a certain way robs you and society of so much bounty.

 Someone stated:

The past is history, the future a mystery and the present moment a gift. That is why this moment is called a present.

That is absolutely bang on.  I don’t feel seventy or seven, I feel now old and  amazingly young!!

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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THE 83% MONA LISA SMILE

"The Mona Lisa gives us a hint about the desirable or optimum level of happiness. Scientists recently computer-analyzed the emotions expressed in this famous lady's face, and concluded that she is 83% happy, 9% disgusted, 6% fearful and 2% angry. Interestingly, we find that people who are happy, but not perfectly so, do well in many domains of life. Perhaps Leonardo da Vinci was onto something, and the widespread appeal of his famous painting may be due to the fact that his lady projects the look of success."*

If Mona Lisa was 83% happy, that does suggest that it is okay to be 17 percent of the time in a melancholy or bad mood.  Too much joyfulness and you may be willfully blind to some of the harsh realities of life.  Being anxious is a good thing if it is a buttress to your happiness.  Negative emotions can keep you in check and alert you to others and to risks around you.

 If you are fortunate enough to be in that 30% of the general population that would describe their current situation as happy, you are encouraged to allow for some negative emotions to keep you centered.  If you are verging on classifying yourself as happy, perhaps you imagine that happiness is being always in a state of wellness and joy.  Having a bad hair day now and then is good for you and a realistic expectation and reality. 

 Wellness does not mean your life is perfect and without obstacles. No, you will experience setbacks and misfortune, but the advantage of wellness is that you have RESILIENCE.  You bounce back, don’t harbor anger, let go and see what you can learn from those challenging moments and experiences. 

 If you know someone who seems to be one of those lucky 30 happy folks, do allow them the liberty of the occasional frown.  And if you are in the other 70% who imagine yourself unhappy, you may be in that optimum zone, but have unrealistic expectations of what is as good as it gets.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: "Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth" by Ed Diener, Robert Biswas-Diener

Habits

Confucius noted that “All humans are the same, except for their habits.” 

Habits are your natural tendencies or practices.  They determine how you behave or react to a situation and they are automatic reflexes, often unconsciously made.  We are all largely the same biologically, but we differ in how we behave or react to things.

Given that habits define your uniqueness and personality, then maturing habits that enhance contentment and wellness would be constructive. I have struggled to make my intentional activities (the 40% I control, see graph below) habitual and more beneficial.  Learning to be grateful, positive and reframing problems to possible thinking took a lot of mindful effort.  However, with practice these responses and perspectives became my natural habits - my default reaction.

Habits do have a pattern in their formation.  Repeating the same behavior consistently, deliberately and with mindful determination, for on average for 66 days, make a behavior or response automatic and habitual.   The wonderful reward of building wellness and contentment habits is that you get a subtle but real reward almost immediately and sub-consciously; you feel better quite quickly.  But just like medicine, once you start to feel improved health you often stop taking the medicine.  So also with wellness habits. 

Positive psychology suggests that the most useful and easiest well-being habit to mature is gratitude.  Start a gratitude journal to note your blessings, finding three to five things to be grateful for EVERY day.  Express internally or externally gratitude at every available opportunity (and especially when you are in a difficult situation).  Search for wonder in your present moment. 

Design your wellness program and invest 66 days to see what happens.  Nothing to lose- just take baby steps, one habit at a time.

Think about looking at some of your strengths and making them more habitual and regular.

What other well-being habits might you want to cultivate?

Ø  seeking opportunities for service

Ø  delaying gratification to its most opportune moment

Ø  exercising

Ø  working with your willpower to make it stronger

Ø  wanting less

Ø  practicing resilience

Ø  looking for opportunities to express your purpose.   

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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For further reading, if you are interested:

How are habits formed: Modelling Habit Formation in the Real World,  Phillippa Lally,  Cornelia H. M. van Jaarsveld,  Henry W. W. Potts,  Jane Wardle; European Journal of Social Psychology, 16 July 2009, https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.674.

FEES OR FINES

As a Chartered Accountant I know all about income taxes.  However,  I try to look at the taxes I pay as a FEE for the PRIVILEGE of living in a compassionate society and country.*  What a blessing to live in a functioning democracy and the success it has afforded me to pursue my dreams and ambitions.  Many others see income taxes as an arbitrary FINE or PENALTY imposed by others that should be diligently avoided by whatever legitimate means.  Fussing about the tax liabilities can become their all-consuming obsession. 

 When life imposes negative consequences and setbacks, do you view these obstacles as fees or fines?  A fine is a penalty that you should avoid, whereas a fee is the price you pay in exchange for a privilege that nice or favourable.    When you get a speeding ticket, or you bang your head, is it a fine for being negligent or clumsy, or a fee that just happens while you are charging about?  You can 100% avoid traffic tickets, bumps and bruises by staying at home and wearing protective gear. Do you perceive these reversals as punishments or as a learning lesson so you can enjoy traveling about?  Or do you  just get on with life and look at your misfortunes and curveballs as learning opportunities and the fee for fun and adventure?

 The fine or fee conundrum is similar to the rights or privileges dilemma.  A wellness perspective views our circumstances largely as a fee for privileges, which invites a sense of gratitude.  A fine or rights view views our favourable circumstances as an entitlement, which would dismiss any sense of gratitude.

 You can get stuck in a ritual of trying to avoid or minimize fines and adverse outcomes or chose to enjoy your situation as the post-fine bounty of being alive. In life there is no such thing as a free lunch: every engagement is an exchange that has a cost.  Most of these costs are non-financial but rather emotional or physical, but real none-the-less.

 Seeing life through a fine paying lens can easily distract you from your present moment.  I’d rather accept the travails of life as fees incurred with lessons to be enjoyed and learned than let fines haunt my life and daily experiences. 

 I’m totally fine with fees, the more fees you pay the more life you may experience.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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 *:  For the record, I do look for opportunities to gently manage my tax liabilities, but I quickly let go and willingly pay to Caesar what is due to Caesar.

 Also, remember the more tax you pay the income you likely earn and get to keep after tax.  If you really want to reduce your income taxes to zero, take the oath of perpetual poverty and join a monastery.

ENOUGH

After over fifty years of employment with one goal of achieving financial and emotional health,  two simple questions finally came to my attention:

What is enough?

And

When have I achieved enough of this enough?

 I feel so blessed that very early in my career I diverted into lecturing and learning.  I am sure that the majority of my diligent learners who graduated more than twenty years ago have earned far more than I ever have.  I traded off compensation for job satisfaction and personal control over my daily agenda.  But did that mean that I felt I had enough? No! Being honest, only in the last five years, as I have thought about my enough need.  Finally I actually felt satisfied and felt a true sense of bounty and abundance.

 So, what is my point?  I wish I had probed more carefully what was my  definition and measure of ENOUGH.  Had I challenged myself to address my ‘enough’ quotient I would have noted it was a moving goal, which was always just around the corner.  If I had allowed for the contentment of having enough sooner, I would not have worked any less diligently, but I might have had a better mindset, with more  peace and purpose replacing the endless striving and desire for more.

 Are my expectations legitimate? Realistic? Long term in focus? Do they allow for balance in my life between my personal and professional goals? Rather than re-calibrating my needs every time I was successful, I should have defaulted to gratitude, charity and a sense of wellness. 

 Perhaps your measure and definition of ENOUGH is unrealistic.  How much of your ENOUGH need is legitimate and how much is fanciful and naïve?  Does your need allow for purpose and pleasure along the way, or is it all about deferred gratification and waiting until retirement?  Does your enough definition allow for happiness along the way? 

 An enough definition of happiness might be defined as: 

Happiness equal Results minus Expectations.

Note, it is much easier to reduce Expectations than increase Results to achieve the same level or better degree of  Happiness.  I recommend taking the easier way out to achieve an improved level of wellness.  

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Celebrate What is Right with Your Present Moment

How do you view a half full cup? Happy full, half empty or needing a smaller cup?

What matters is the point of view you bring to your present situation.  When you read the newspaper, visit a news website, or watch/listen to a news cast, you will notice that these tend to focus on what is wrong with our world.  Only the sports pages exalt our achievements, but then with a biased perspective. Sadly, the world seems addicted to this negative narrative and perspective, rejecting a more positive perspective as naïve or Pollyanna-like in nature.

Celebrate what is right with your situation; seek out the excellence, bounty and blessing within your present moment.  Change your point of view, change your lens of life, and seek out with the positive - RIGHT NOW!  One of the most wonderful aspects of looking for the positive is that there are many perspectives and ways to view each situation in a better light. Once you identify these, risk being in awe of them.  Don’t analyze these blessings with a critical eye and destroy the mystery, but rather enjoy them without the cynicism that seems to have invaded our cultural perspective.

While you are in the spirit of celebrating what is right with your present moment, reflect on those who you are close to, and acknowledge their good points and how they improve your present situation.  Be prepared to marvel and appreciate the good around you. 

For every wrong, failure or weakness you observe, deliberately look for an equal number of kindnesses and strengths to CELEBRATE.  This conscious reframing of your present moment will reward you with wellness.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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For further reflection:  Please do listen to the TEDx Talk by Dewitt Jones called “Celebrate what’s right with the world!” Well worth the 18 minutes of your time.

FAIRNESS?!?!

I have had the good fortune to travel to nine developed countries in two continents.  One thing profoundly impressed me; the post-Covid world seems to be fundamentally different from its earlier version.  What I observed was that the pandemic has sharply divided the world into those that are doing very well and those that seem left behind.  As I travelled, I saw many prosperous citizens in their newer cars and designer clothing,  and also many other citizens  that were on lower wages struggling to make ends meet.  The differences were so obvious: you could choose to look away or imagine the two opposites were not there, but they were.  I wondered whether there was an underlying sense of inequity felt by those doing less well.  Where was the fairness in all this? 

 Climate change makes the same point.  The prosperous developed world enjoys the successes and advantages of their industrial revolutions, and less developed nations deal with the legacies of the wasteful behaviours of others. The divide between the developed and the less developed nations is widening.

 Wellness is both a personal and shared blessing and obligation.  If I thrive and others struggle, then I have a duty of care to be part of the solution to this inequity and unfairness.  Our human nature naturally encourages and rewards us for being compassionate.  One of the better ways to improve your wellbeing is to be charitable and caring for others. In return,  our spirits seem to rapidly improve.

 The inequities we see around us should encourage us to move from empathy (I feel your pain) to compassion (let’s do something about your pain).  We should move from spectators of our relative prosperity to becoming part of the solution.  Some re-distribution of wealth from the fortunate to those that are truly challenged is inevitable and welcome.  

 Charity to others and gratitude for our bounty should encourage us to look at the growing social divide with a sense of compassion, not indifference. Imaging this unfairness is not present is wishful thinking and counter-productive in the longer run. 

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MORE STUFF

So much gets in the way of our wellness, with our desire for the acquisition of more and more things being near the top of the list of soul corrupting influences.

The desire for things encourages at least five emotions that can undermine our wellbeing. Without prioritizing them, a strong connection with material things often leads to feelings of jealousy, envy, greed, coveting, or a sense of entitlement.  We think these emotions will be satisfied by acquiring more of whatever, but we are rarely satisfied for long, and one goal is replaced by another in our efforts to be satisfied. This perpetual craving for more and the quick adjustment to the new level of success or acquisition is called the Hedonistic treadmill, rarely one advance their wellness by having more or newer stuff.

One can mount a strong offence against these desires by starting with gratitude. Gratitude not only silences much of our craving, but also quiets most of our sense of entitlement. Next, rather than wanting more, start giving things away. Soon, having less feels better than having more. Ask yourself whether you feel like a security guard protecting your possessions, or do you frequently enjoy your bounty? Ponder what it would feel like to lose those things:  how long would it take to get over it, or how much sleep would you lose?  Ask yourself what few processions would you save if you suddenly had to be evacuated from your home?  How long does the buzz of that new object last before it is just part of your collection of stuff? Research suggests that spending money on experiences has much greater and longer positive consequences than consuming tangible things.

My experience has taught me to be on the side of wanting fewer things, more meaningful experiences, leisure over financial gain, quality rather than quantity and giving things away over accumulating things. I think this makes for a more balanced wellbeing. Life is not about becoming a minimalist, but it is about finding your equilibrium between the accumulation of stuff and your wellness.

 Do not become a hostage to your stuff!

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UNGRATITUDE

I know that ungratitude is not a word, but it is an idea and common natural emotion or reaction today. Gratitude is one of the most essential and powerful nutrients to wellness, it can act as a catalyst which quickly moves one into a better place.  Put differently, a sense of  wellbeing is virtually impossible without being partly grounded in gratitude and thankfulness.

As the prefix “un” often means opposite, it is this notion that I am pondering.  So, what is the opposite attitude or feeling to gratitude? Please pause for a moment and challenge yourself to conjure up what is the best single word that is the antitheses to gratitude. I think it is:

  Entitlement.

What is gratitude? I would suggest it could be being thankful for something that happened to you. It could be about getting something randomly that is just wonderful, and so you appreciate your good fortune. It could also be about feeling undeservedly blessed or just plain lucky.  Isn’t entitlement the opposite reaction?

Entitlement is when you feel that it is your right to expect your good fortune, that you have earned it, and equally to not be so blessed is unfair or unjust.  When receiving favourable treatment or positive outcomes is considered the norm, then why would anyone feel a need to be grateful or thankful?

Yes, we are entitled to many rights and benefits, but even for these preferences it is helpful to also feel grateful.  The less you feel entitled to, the more you can have a sense of gratitude for. 

An important aspect of having a smaller cup is to view most of your rights as privileges, giving you more room for appreciating your situation. When something is considered an entitlement, it can  undermine your joyfulness. Put another way, the more you feel entitled to, the bigger and emptier your cup will seem. 

It is helpful to be aware that many  perceived entitlements are not free or may come at the expense of someone else’s rights or their entitlements.  There is no such thing as a free lunch: everything has non-financial and financial costs.  How do your entitlements affect others and their rights?

By re-classifying most of your entitlements or rights as privileges an enormous opportunity is created for gratitude and improved wellbeing.  Feeling grateful certainly beats feeling jealous and all the other emotions grounded in entitlement.

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WHAT IS IN YOUR CUP?

Previous reflections have considered if your cup is half full or half empty, but we overlooked thinking about the contents of your cup.  So, what might your cup contain?  Is it full of joy, disappointments, hope or sadness ??

When I imagine my cup’s contents, it is like a multi-layered pastry or rainbow.  The foundation layer is gratitude, as I try to be grateful for all the blessing and good fortune I have received.  This gratitude then sparks a profound sense of awe and wonder as I look at God’s creation and the natural beauty I am surrounded by, if only I pause to look and listen.   The next layer is joy and amusement as I remember the (mis)adventures and encounters that I have experienced and savour them. The next layer is love and hope; the kindness and fulfillment that abound when I risk letting go and being in the moment. There are more layers, but like the bottom, gratitude is also on the top level. 

I try to minimize the negative or unhelpful feelings in my cup.  These sentiments are there, and  I am aware of them, but I try to ensure that they do not overwhelm or undermine my wellbeing.

I know that your cup is different to mine, and there is no correct or better cup.  But what is refreshing is to speculate what is in your cup that makes it yours, unique to you.  Focusing on your life and what grounds and defines it is sobering.  Challenging yourself to prioritize your emotional wellbeing is constructive and insightful.  Are negative feelings defining your wellbeing?  Are your life experiences a turbulent mixture of wonderful and unfortunate circumstances, just swirling about? Does that need some sorting out and organizing?

 A cup that is structured around helpful, hopeful and joyful ingredients is bound to be better for your wellbeing.  So, what is in your cup? Make your cup work for you.

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AWE*

Humans are blessed with some emotions and feelings which are not found in other species. What makes humans uniquely different?  According to ancient Greek mythology, Zeus endowed humans with two special qualities.  The first was a sense of justice, to ensure that the needs of all would be met.  The second was the capacity for awe.   

The myth suggested that awe encouraged positive emotions like reverence, devotion, gratitude, and  modesty to emerge.  We feel connected to others; and a sense of unity within the community grows.  Awe make one feel small and appreciative of the wonder and awesomeness of something greater and more majestic than us.  Our common humanity brings us together and we are more willing to subordinate our self-interest for the collective good.

But where has our sense of awe gone?  The spectacular and the extra-ordinary seem to have lost their significance.  We shrug our shoulders too easily, as though something astonishing was just another Hollywood special effect.  Science and the media seem to have numbed our sense of amazement.  Perhaps we are too cynical, proud  or sophisticated to acknowledge our true insignificance.  We see something truly amazing, and rather than savour the moment and let it take our breath away, we take a selfie, and the magic is gone.

Put in a different way, empowering awe makes our wellbeing that much better.  Feeling humble, insignificant and ordinary brings harmony to our community.  The respect and reverence that awe encourages brings tolerance and inclusiveness for others.  Feeling smaller and less important makes us glow inside.  Absolute wonder brings the innocence of our youth to the fore, as we lose our breath and feel totally in the NOW.

Seek out some awe and the spectacular in your daily life; it is there and waiting if we are humble enough to see and acknowledge it.  Allow for the super-natural and you will certainly experience the awe of the present moment.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

*:  See Reverence by Paul Woodruff or Born to be Good by Dacher Keltner

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SAVOURING THE MOMENT

A major tenet of mindfulness is to live in the present moment.  We are cautioned about venturing into the past, lest we ruminate in doubt and regret.  Savouring is an emotion and state of being which can be based partly in the present tense and partly in the past, depending on how we practice it. So what is savouring? 

Savouring is synonymous with appreciation. It covers all three senses of the word appreciate: to be thankful for something, to acknowledge the quality of something and to increase the value of something.   It is about really noticing, appreciating and enhancing the positive experiences in our life. By savouring we slow down and consciously pay attention to all our senses (touch, taste, sight, sound and smell). We stretch out the experience and concentrate on noticing what it is that we really enjoy. Through learning to savour, we can increase our capacity to notice what is good about our life, as well as appreciate these moments more fully. Evolutionary psychology suggests that humans have an inbuilt survival mechanism, called the negativity bias, which means that we tend to notice bad things in life before we see the good things. By mindfully savouring, we can  counteract this negativity bias and we can increase our well-being.*

Being in the present moment is about slowing down, concentrating on the  positive aspects of our experience and pondering how and why it feels so special.  What is the beauty that is lifting our spirits?  Is it the colour, smell, shape that is bringing us joy?  Speculate what is so right and if possible, share it with whomever you are with.

Savouring past joys is a habit I have matured.  It often starts with mindfully causing wonderful memories with the specific intent of remembering and reliving these memories later.  These are not ‘selfie’ memories, but rather special moments to savour now and remember for later.  When I savour in the NOW,  I ponder how I might re-create that serene moment again.  At other times I rummage through my memories and see if there was a similar joyful moment earlier and join that recollection with this past experience.  By savouring glorious moments, it crowds out disappointing incidents; I let go of those troublesome recollections and inventory my blessings.  Savouring is pro-active gratitude.

For me, savouring is one of my most powerful and effective antidotes to disappointment and regret.  Savouring fills me with gratitude and serenity, and life does not get much finer then that.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

*:  A Practical Guide to Positive Psychology: Achieve Lasting Happiness by Bridget Grenville-Cleave

FAIRNESS AND GRATITUDE

How many times have you heard someone say, “It not fair!”? It seems that when things do not go our way in life, we often decide that life is not fair, and biased against us.

But what does “fair” mean?  When we toss a coin it has a 50/50 chance of being a head or a tail.  An equal chance. But is it possible to get equal chances at everything in life?  If you work diligently, should you always get what you are aiming for? 

Is life itself fair? We all face challenges and setbacks. Others do not always play by our perception of the rules, and we do not always get equitable treatment.  No one is promised a life without impediments.  But isn’t that what makes life ‘real’ and a continuous learning journey?  Why would one be ambitious and hopeful if life was a done deal and your success guaranteed? Where would the excitement and challenges that make life a rewarding experience come from? How would a human being develop character without hardship and struggles? How would a human being develop empathy without suffering?  Some unfairness builds stamina and resilience.

Without too much effort, I can identify a dozen or more significant “unfairnesses” in my life.  But I would NEVER describe my life as being other than enormously blessed.  Why is this so? 

Because I am an accountant, by nature and inclination, I look at fairness as a measurement issue.  Depending on how and what you measure to define fairness makes all the difference.  It is not by accident that this blog is called “Smallercup”.  This name suggests that if you calibrate fairness based on the relative fullness of your cup, you can feel very blessed or cursed without a change in your circumstances.  If you choose to feel grateful, focused on your ambitions but realistic in what you want, your life will be most bountiful.  A smaller cup makes your win/loss ratio about 75/25 because you set yourself up for greater success and joy. 

Rather than framing life through an  ‘unfair vs fair’ framework, look out for the good things that regularly come your way.  It is amazing how your outlook can change if you are prepared to acknowledge the good fortune that frequently comes your way.  Carefully consider whether your definition and calibration of fairness is constructive and useful.   Just by being more mindfully grateful your personal sense of fairness will materially improve.  And this gives you the energy and motivation to make others’ lives fairer. 

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

HAVING FEWER CARES

Between Covid, politics and elections, the economy and the environment, there seems to be no end to the number of things that one might be anxious about.  Unfortunately, anxiety is inversely correlated with well-being: the more anxious you are, the less you will feel well.

In the last few months, I have decided to:

·         stop watching the news before I go to bed,

·         avoid the newspapers with their sensationalist take on everything,

·          largely boycott violent or pointless movies. 

Essentially, I have put myself on a diet of reduced negative or unhelpful stimuli. I have removed from my agenda matters which are beyond my control or influence to positively improve. Instead, I look for hopeful or helpful experiences which can encourage a sense of gratitude and optimism.

Letting go of so much noise certainly has made my world much lighter and more manageable.  I have less concerns to worry about and feel less overwhelmed.  Having fewer cares is most empowering as you become more carefree.  This focuses your attention on what really matters, where to put your energy and resources and how not to get caught up in concerns beyond your control.  There are about a dozen things on my agenda that I pro-actively care about and for each it is solutions, not complaints, that I concern myself with.

One of the upsides is in realising where I can make a difference. I can align my priorities with my worries.  Take Covid, something on everyone’s hit-list of angsts.  Are you going to get all worked up about finding a vaccine, where the next hotspot is, who isn’t wearing a mask or how we are going to pay for the consequences?  Or will you sensibly, caringly, and non-judgmentally use physical distancing, wearing a mask and a smile to reduce its spread?  Or the environment: how about just doing your part to reduce your eco-footprint and picking up the litter near your home?

Having fewer cares actually means caring more about your local situation. It involves thinking about how you can enact change in line with your values. It significantly improves your wellness.  The calm which this optimism encourages naturally evokes gratitude, the ultimate well-being vitamin.

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

MIRROR NEURONS

The British have this wonderful phrase called the “knock on effect” to describe how some chain of event or circumstance can influence later situations.  Our emotional state of mind and actions similarly can have profound positive or negative knock on effects.  And there is science to back up these ripple effects:

Scientists found something called mirror neurons: specialized brain cells that can actually sense and then mimic the feelings, actions, and physical sensations of another person. Let’s say a person is pricked by a needle. The neurons in the pain center of his or her brain will immediately light up, which should come as no surprise. But what is a surprise is that when that same person sees someone else receive a needle prick, this same set of neurons lights up, just as though he himself had been pricked. In other words, he actually feels a hint of the pain of a needle prick, even though he himself hasn’t been touched. 

As we pass through the day, our brains are constantly processing the feelings of the people around us, taking note of the inflection in someone’s voice, the look behind their eyes, the stoop of their shoulders. In fact, the amygdala can read and identify an emotion in another person’s face within 33 milliseconds, and then just as quickly prime us to feel the same.  Once people mimic the physical behaviors tied to these emotions, it causes them to feel the emotion themselves.

Smiling, for instance, tricks your brain into thinking you’re happy, so it starts producing the neurochemicals that actually do make you happy. Scientists call this the facial feedback hypothesis, and it is the basis of the recommendation “fake it till you make it.” While authentic positivity will always trump its faux counterpart, there is significant evidence that changing your behavior first— even your facial expression and posture— can dictate emotional change. *  

So what does this have to do with well-being?  Everything!!  We are both mirroring other’s emotions and actions but can also infuse others with how we are feeling.  Various estimates suggest there are nearly 1,000 people within three degrees of most of us (ignoring Facebook).  We can project our positive emotions and wellness to 1,000 others and improve their lives.  We can be like secondhand smoke and either bring people down or uplift their spirits.

Positive feelings will be mirrored by others and have awesome knock-on effects.   Please pass them on and multiply joy and well-being.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

*:  The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology that Fuel Success and Performance at Work  by Shawn Achor