SEEING THINGS IN BLACK AND WHITE

Black and white, Yes/No, Zero/One, binary logic assumes that there are absolute solutions or answers to many of life’s riddles.  Ambiguity is unnecessary and unwelcome.  Debating, discussing or pondering complex issues seems to be politically incorrect and unwelcome at times.

There appears to be a ‘politically correct’ answer to many of the troubling challenges society is facing.  People sometimes refuse to express their opinions because they believe they are ‘not allowed to say or think that’ in public.  Between identity politics and populism, the boundaries of critical thinking and inquiry are being reduced, and scope for intolerance increased.

Are most issues where others differ that simple? Are there no trade-offs where others might see things differently?  Are their priorities universal?  Are their lenses and perceptions complete, correct or necessarily relevant? What happened to complexity, lateral thinking, compromise  and “I beg to differ” legitimacy?

Black and white logic is quick and with like-minded colleagues, effective for team and friendship building.  However, binary thinking often comes at the expense of tolerance, inclusiveness, critical thinking, liberal democracy and a civil society.  Maybe both sides are correct, but for different reasons and to different degrees.

What I am petitioning for is tolerance, inclusiveness and compromise.  If you want any semblance of peace and wellness in your life you will need to let go of being right or better than others.  Enjoy diversity of opinion.  See what you can learn from others’ perspectives.  Remember, if you mix black and white together you get grey, which is generally the equitable solution to most complicated dilemmas.

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ANGRY OR DISAPPOINTED?

I don’t know about you, but when I am caught up in traffic, or someone does something that I think is untoward, I can quickly become very angry. Perhaps you have had instances where better anger management would have been helpful.  Instead you got yourself into an unpleasant or uncomfortable situation and said or did something you later regretted.  Is there a cure to not losing your temper?

More recently when I have faced these anger testing moments, I have actively sought to re-frame and re-phrase this tension with a different emotion.  Instead of being angry I CHOOSE to be disappointed or discouraged. 

Reframing anger to being disappointed, discouraged, displeasured or dis-anything starts with a conscious and deliberate choice of pausing.  This breaks the almost instantaneous cycle of fight or flight into a recess and lets us step back and reflect for a moment.   Then, by changing the lens that I use to see the situation, my temperament also changes.  I move from an external desire to lash out to an internal examination of what is really troubling me.  Yes, someone wronged me, but rather than venting outwardly I just absorb the blow and process the event as impersonal, letting go of as much of the negative energy as possible.  At the end of the day wasn’t my anger really disappointment? I was discouraged and frustrated by the situation.

The wonderful thing about being disappointed or discouraged is that it allows me to question the WHY behind my tension.  After all, anger at its root started as an offensive survival skill when times were very dangerous and hostile. Hopefully, I begin to recognize that much of my frustration is not related to my assumptions about the situation.  Often if there is a cause to my anxiety it is based in myself. The best thing to do is move along and ask what can I learn from what just happened. 

Pausing and challenging my beliefs and reframing the angry moments as disappoints certainly has reduced the sting when things go pear-shaped.  These discouragements encourage me to learn and accept increased responsibility for my own circumstances and my reactions thereto.

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SUNK COSTS (and SUNK BENEFITS)

Over my career I have marked literally thousands of exams (or scripts as they say in the UK), and one answer tops them all for originality.  The question asked:

“What is a sunk cost?” and the student replied: “A cost that does not float.”

Putting aside this wonderful (but wrong) answer, the notion of sunk costs is a difficult matter to implement. A sunk cost is a cost (event, decision) that one has made in the past and cannot be changed.  The merit of sunk costs is that one should LET GO of past decisions and mishaps and not let them influence current or future choices, as they are irrelevant (as one cannot change the past).  A past mistake or regret should not justify or influence your current choices as this past event is sunk (irrevocable) and cannot be undone.

The past is an important and essential part of your life, full of wonderful events and decisions, but also includes regrettable mistakes and sad memories.  Wishing you had done something differently or completed something you quit will not undo reality.  These bygones are sunk and forever gone.    

This does not mean that one should ignore the past.  No, your history is an excellent lesson as to what you might learn from prior actions and what to do better in the future.  Rather than wishing you had not bought those shares or sold so soon, consider what this teaches you about your current holdings.  Wishing you had or had not said something is also pointless, but what does this suggest about the next time you are in a similar encounter?  What exactly did you do wrong? Learn the lesson, apologize if you can, and then move on.

Just like there are sunk costs, there are also MANY MORE sunk benefits.  This is when you did something right and the result exceeded your expectations.  Spending more time reflecting on your successes and what your wins can teach you is a far more productive and satisfying way of reviewing your past. 

Reframe your past by learning lessons from both your past mistakes and your past successes, but remember you cannot change the past, so don’t live or re-live it.     

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MEDITATION

A prominent psychiatrist (Jonathan Haidt) noted that there are essentially three ways to change one’s mind and mental health: counselling (using proven techniques like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), medication (using drugs like Prozac), or meditation.**  If one reviews the literature about positive psychology, there is a broad consensus that meditation is an excellent way to improve one’s mental health, and indeed, many religions encourage meditative practices.

I remember when I first tried Transcendental Meditation (TM) in 1972 it was almost a cult ritual, full of mystery, rules, protocols and DON’Ts (and cost $25).  I stopped soon enough, as it was so demanding, inflexible and prescriptive.  Six years I gave meditation a second go (for free), and it was so much easier to get started – there is so much literature around about mindfulness, including many exemplar meditations online, that it was easier to find practices that spoke to me. The MBSR course (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) has some excellent materials available, and these courses are widely run across many parts of the world, being non-religious in their approach.  This time I stuck with meditation.  If I lost concentration I was gently encouraged to re-focus and continue, which I have.  After 66 habit-forming days, the pattern of chilling out continues.

So what are some of my observations about the benefits of meditation? The first is that it encourages me to pause and re-frame my thoughts when times are anxious or tense.  Rather than fight or flight, I PAUSE and eventually do neither.  Being calmer is easier.  It gives my mind a chance to relax, which improves problem solving, planning, and creativity. I have a chance to observe my thought patterns, which are often pretty fixed and recurring, in a non-judgemental way, rather than always being at the mercy of my reactions. Despite taking time out of my day, at the end of the day I am more relaxed. I something feel a little self-conscious when asking for some time to chill out, but other than that, the benefits far outweigh the constraints on my time.

Learning to meditate is easy and convenient, requiring as little as 10 minutes a day.  A useful link to learn the breathing meditation technique is (sorry about the short ad you can skip at the start):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMMerxh_12U

Or you could look at the Balance: Mediation & Sleep app which is free for the first year.

Be kind to yourself as you will lose concentration frequently, but with some practice you will come up with your own preferred meditation practices and hopefully, see some real benefits.

**:  The Happiness Hypothesis, Jonathan Haidt, page 43

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ARE WE OUR INTENTIONS OR OUR ACTIONS?

There is a dilemma and contradiction we all encounter when we judge ourselves or others.  When it comes to ourselves, we know what our intentions are and evaluate our actions using our internal moral compass based on our intentions.  However, for others, as we can only see their actions, we judge them by these actions and largely overlook their intentions. 

This implicit unfair bias has troubling consequences.  We imagine ourselves to be highly proper, fair minded citizens based on our noble intentions (and often poor execution thereof).  However, when someone trespasses against us, we act as judge and jury and sub-consciously convict that person and their actions as untoward.  Too often we infer the wrong intention and mis-judge the impact of the action.  Where is the balance of justice and fairness in this contraction?  Obviously it is missing.

Where do you go from this puzzle?  The quickest but often hardest solution is to become less judgemental and let go of the process of critiquing others.  What a joy and relief it is to just be and let others be also.  Following on this line, the principle that ‘what goes around, comes around’ applies to you.  If you judge others less often or harshly, you can reasonably expect that you will be treated similarly. 

You should fully appreciate that the measures you use to judge others should be used to judge you, complete with the mis-perceptions natural to the fact that you are not the actor of the action. It may not always work out that way, but it certainly can make your life a lot kinder and less tense.

When the actions of others impact on us, it is a good strategy to frame their intentions as coming from a good and wholesome place.  Most likely that person meant no harm, and the worst case is that they were careless (but not thoughtless or vicious).

Note, I am not suggesting that actions do not matter, because they absolutely do!  Rather, judge less, judge as you wish to be judged, do more good, subtly appreciate the impossibility of fairly evaluating others, and assume the best of others.

I do believe ultimately, we are our intentions, things just get lost in translation.

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BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR

I lived for a year in one of the most financially prosperous cities in the world.  If there was a lottery and the prize was to be immensely rich, well this was it.  There were malls everywhere and any conceivable consumable pleasure was not far away.  ‘Shop ‘til you drop’ was a national obsession and past time.  They had won the “life” lottery (after all, someone has to) and got the prize of having financial abundance beyond belief.

I was gone after a year; what a relief. I learned and observed an important lesson:  Be careful what you ask for, you might just get it.  Imagine you got that amazing car, house, partner, career or whatever you asked for: would that be it and nirvana forever after?  What was especially obvious was that the citizens of this prosperous country were anything but happy.  They got what they wished for and thereafter they exhibited the behaviour of a rather bored, purposeless and restless person.

Many aspirations are indeed uplifting and noble, but many are not. How often do we silently say to ourselves: “I wish I had….”    How do you sort them out?  I ask a rather simple question: “Imagine it is a rainy, miserable Tuesday in the fall and it is 11 AM and you had or were doing what you asked for, would you feel purposeful and happy?”  Maybe you would feel blessed and grateful for whatever you had: great!  Or perhaps that ocean front view, car, job, office, or wardrobe might just as easily be humdrum and bland.

So what are attributes of more purposeful or worthwhile living to aspire to?  The psychologist Martin Seligman summarized five measurable elements of what he described as flourishing* or well-being:  Positive emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Achievement (or PERMA). 

If what you desire does not contribute to at least one of the elements, move on.   If the answer is YES, go for it.  If the answer is MAYBE, speculate what is missing and whether you can supplement your desire with it.  If it cannot be bundled together, than stop.  If the answer is NO, let go of that desire, as it is likely very superficial and just a consumption urge coming out of boredom.

Finally, if what you get is what you asked for and it is great, be especially GRATEFUL!!

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*: "Flourish: A New Understanding of Happiness and Wellbeing" by Martin Seligman 

THE FIVE-MINUTE ETHICS COURSE

I will never forget one particular learning experience:  a learner (student) in my course taught me a method to test whether an action was ethical or not, all in under five minutes.  I have experimented with the system he taught me, and it seems pretty much bullet proof. 

If you are confronted with an ethical dilemma and your answer is a confident YES TO ALL THREE of these questions, it is highly likely that what you are contemplating IS ETHICAL.  If one answer is a NO, then you are likely offside.

First, apply the Golden-Rule Test, which is: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. (Or the Confucian form which is: Don’t do unto others as you would not have others do unto you.)  If someone did what you are considering to you would you be offended, harmed or displeased?  Reciprocity or tit-for-tat is an essential test for much of our behaviour.

Second, the Role-Model Test, which is:  If you were a parent would you want your child to do what you are considering?  Would you want to set this action up as an example which your offspring would follow and consider “normal”? Is this the type of role modeling you want to promote?

Third, the Front-Page Test, which is: If you had editorial privilege and the entire front page of the newspaper, could you fully explain and justify your action to an objective, informed and diligent reader?  By definition, ethical dilemmas are complex, full of contextual details and awkward trade-offs.  Would a thoughtful and independent observer, after evaluating the full circumstance of your situation, decide in your favour, or at least give you the benefit of the doubt? 

I have shared these tests with many and pondered them, appraising situations I have heard about or experienced through their lens. I would recommend this five-minute ethics course as highly effective, and a good primer for life.  It is simple enough to teach young children, and robust enough to guide seasoned professionals.

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NO PLAN B

A few years ago, I moved to another continent and country.  The culture, climate and everything in-between was new and very different from much that I was used to.  Regularly, before and after the move, people asked me the same questions, being: “Why?” and “How are you enjoying the change?”  It was as though they expect me to complain or regret my choice.  But my reply is always the same: “There is no Plan B so I am determined to make Plan A a wonderful success!”

The absence of a viable alternative or obviously better plan is such a blessing.  But the real point is not the absence of a substitute, but rather the total decision not to give any other arrangement any air or space to fester.  

Very occasionally, you have to make big choices where the decision precludes and includes many subsequent aspects of your life.  Choosing a partner, career, home, place to live, or employer are just a few of such binary (Yes/No) dilemmas. 

A good way to undermine your final selection is to second guess your conclusion, regret your conclusion, ask “What if?” and/or replay your decision making process. It sounds like even after your selection there still seems to be a Plan B on the table.  But there isn’t, unless your decision was half-hearted and naïve.

When you are in one of those Plan A or B decision moments, do spend the time making the trade-offs, and weighing the pros and cons.  But also acknowledge in advance there will be elements of regret and disappointment, as this is the nature of life.  With informed consent, you need to buy-in accordingly, and let go of any cognitive dissonance (after the fact regret).

Living your life as though there is always a Plan B out there significantly depreciates your well-being.  You are trapped in the puzzle of reliving your past, corrupting your future and hollowing out your present moments.  Buying into your Plan A and perpetually upgrading it makes the very thought of Plan B unwanted and unwarranted.  

Once Plan A is in play, THERE IS NO LONGER A PLAN B (THANKFULLY)!

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FLOURISH

An interesting shift in terminology around the science of happiness and well-being is occurring.  A growing number of positive psychologists have shifted their view and discussion of well-being to a larger perspective.  Rather than talking about happiness, they now describe their goal as to understand the experience of flourishing.

Changing your paradigm to flourishing from happiness is empowering.  Being happy may sounds to some like you are just smiley faced, a gleeful but not especially purposeful or grounded person. They may view you as being too obsessed with the NOW (which isn’t correct or complete, but does have some merit).  The idea of flourishing has a more expansive remit, as it implies growth and an interest in tomorrow.

This change in positive psychology terminology is more than clever marketing.  It embraces an enlarged view of what a more joyful life might entail as described below (1):

Authentic Happiness Theory: Focus: Happiness

Goal: Increase one’s life satisfaction primarily by increasing Positive emotions, Engagement, and Positive Relationships

Well-Being Theory:  Focus:  Well-being

Goal:  Increase one’s flourishing by increasing Positive emotions, Engagement, Meaning, Positive Relationships, and Accomplishment (or PERMA) 

So what? you reasonably ask.  At the very least, if one changes the way one describes their well-being goal from happiness to flourishing others may not dismiss you as readily, and may listen to you less judgementally.  Secondly, and very importantly, the inclusion of accomplishments (achievement) and meaning (purpose) into your repertoire of well-being tools does materially expand ways you might improve your quality of life.

Personally, I find it much easier and helpful to challenge myself to flourish than to be happy.  Acknowledging creating purpose and valuing accomplishment as concrete aspects of my well-being causes me to reflect on what I can DO proactively and privately to improve my quality of life.  By adding engagement I acknowledge the intense satisfaction I can get when I am engaged or busy in something deeply satisfying.

By giving attention to what really matters to you (meaning), developing the skills to do it well (engagement), and seeking to excel, you should become a flourishing (and happy) camper!

Start thinking about and acting out your FLOURISH agenda.

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(1):  Martin Seligman, Flourish, (Nicholas Brealey Publishing, 2011)

WHAT GOOD THINGS ARE HAPPENING TO YOU?

How you start a conversation with a friend or stranger can significantly influence how pleasing the interaction is.  “Hello” or the like works okay and no one takes exception, but you can do better, once the first introductions are over.  What if you start that encounter on a positive, engaging and sincerely interested tone? Chances are the chat will be more joyful and insightful.

My preferred way to set the tone of a conversation with a friend is to sincerely ask:  “What good things are happening to you?” hoping that they answer this question thoughtfully and happily.  If they are reluctant to share initially, then I respectfully pry a bit until something joyful emerges.   I listen for clues so we can have a pleasurable tête-à-tête about the blessing in their life.  Rather than hearing about the rain or traffic delays, you hear about vacations, achievements, friendships, or other joys. 

Another similar question to set the tone is to ask:  “What is going well today?” or “What went well?”   Sure enough, something is going well.  People love to discuss their success, and it is wonderful and inspiring to learn about their wins.  Quickly, they overcome their modesty and share their better moments and achievements.  

Years ago, a colleague taught me a wonderful introduction to a total stranger, such as a taxi driver or shop clerk when you need help.  He acknowledged the person as”  “Hello my friend”.  This introduction generally set the tone of the exchange on a positive and equal footing.  Additionally, the assistance you get is so much kinder and personable.  People in the service sector are less used to being treated in a friendly manner and appreciate the respect you bestow on them.  And it cost you nothing!

Trying to start conversations in a more positive framework causes you and others to frame their moments and days through a more grateful prism.  This will make for more enjoyable moments and conversations.

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NOTHING IN LIFE IS QUITE AS IMPORTANT AS YOU THINK IT IS, WHILE YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT IT

Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel Prize winning economist, made this brilliant observation about our human condition and mindset. We fret and focus on matters that at the time seem immensely important or urgent, but likely are just the day-to-day events of a normal life.  Yes, there are important matters that confront us and warrant our undivided attention, but they are fortunately few in number.  Health, career, relationships, financial issues, the weather, deadlines and emotional issues crop up in our mind all the time, and we awfulize and replay them until they seem to become all that matters. 

Our mind is a poor judge of putting things in perspective and ranking their importance.  With thousands of moments and thoughts each day, our mind is ripe for debating trivial matters just to fill its day.

So, what can you do to manage your wild mind?  Start by laughing at most of these impulses as if they were scenes in a TV sit-com.  After all, aren’t they just absurd exaggerations of the present moment?  Are your worries statistically possible or probable?  Question the underlying beliefs and hypothesis that these thoughts are based on.  How much of the underlying concern is just conjecture, or based on incomplete information? Do you have a natural tendency to imagine the worst case scenario, not the best?

Observe that many of these “important” matters are actually rather mundane matters that just need to be attended to, so just note them down and do them.  Test these issues that are overwhelming you by imagining the worst-case outcome and honestly consider just how awful that eventuality would really be.  How much of a resilience test would that scenario be?  If resolution is beyond your control, then accept that there is nothing you can do and move on.  Objectively challenge your subjective judgements and thoughts.

If this thought that you are dwelling on is really important, sequentially plan how to address it.  Re-visit the matter after writing it down and then not thinking about it for a while, and consider sharing your concern with someone else who may bring a different perspective to the table. 

Once you have made all the plans that you can, most importantly, let go of these thoughts – worrying will not change anything. Remember, nothing in life is quite as important as you think it is, while you’re thinking about it.

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HARBOURING VS. LETTING GO OF THE PAST

This site is called Smallercup and suggests you should have a smaller cup to improve your well-being.  But what is in the cup?  The assumption is something positive, but sometimes what we are holding in our cup and our soul is anything but that.

A serious challenge to your well-being is the malice and ill-will you may harbour inside.  A silent but real anger against someone or something will prevents a positive sense of self to emerge.  Someone seriously crossed your bottom lines, or a point-of-view totally violates your sense of right or justice and you are stuck in anger, resentment and poison. Your cup is neither full, empty nor smaller, just disappointed and vengeful!

First, if your cup has any toxins in it, it will be difficult to materially improve your well-being. 

Desmond Tutu noted that we “all face the same choice: to forgive or to seek revenge”. 

Letting go is not easy, but not letting go of your real and valid misfortunes is going to corrupt your life journey.  Revenge will absolutely get you nowhere other than backwards.

Second, letting go does not mean forgetting, rather it means forgiving the wrong or wrong doer and moving on.  And perhaps even forgiving yourself.

Third, letting go of your wrathful poison will release you from the prison of your past. Obsessing and replaying past transgressions rots you from the inside out.  Unfortunately, you become a prisoner of your past.

Fourth, harbouring negative feelings to specific individuals taints the way you see people generally, how you see the world, and how others see you.  

Five, harbouring disappointment about the past limits your achievements in the present and the future, as it can undermine your confidence and willingness to take risks and chance success.

Six, letting go of those aspects of your past allows for healing and moving forward.

Seven, letting go always allows for resilience to mature.

It is very unlikely there is anyone that does not have moments they wish they could erase from their past, so you are not alone.  Awfulizing, re-playing, second guessing, and harbouring those past moments doesn’t undo the damage. 

However, there is much merit in cognitive behavioral therapy to free you of these matters and help you let go.  PLEASE do see a specialist to help you move on if you are stuck.  

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CIRCLES OF COMPETENCE

My career was blessed by two simple but fortunate decisions I made in my early teens.  The first was to decide very clearly what I did not want to do or become and avoided these topics and subjects like they were the plague.  Secondly, I listened carefully to my heart and head at the same time, and heard what they suggested in terms of what I was naturally better at or interested in.

I sensed early on that I was better with numbers than the arts.  Next, I observed that I preferred dollar signs to co-sines, so I pursued business rather than engineering studies.  I was more comfortable being loud than quiet, and made lots of similarly small trade-offs. What I deliberately did was to make the circle of what I was better at or more interested in smaller and smaller. 

Warren Buffett calls this “staying within your circle of competence”.

What this means is to decrease the range or breadth of things you find meaningful, whilst at the same time increasing the depth of how you understand and improve the skills related to this body of knowledge and expertise.  I mindfully stumbled into things that spoke to me emotionally and intellectually, committed to what I was expected to learn, was privately proud of my self-learning and let these insights wholeheartedly lead me on. By my middle twenties I found my career and in my early thirties I discovered my calling.

What was critical was to always stay within my decreasing circle of competence.  And at the same time, to TOTALLY BUY-IN WITH HEART, BODY AND SOUL. Decreasing the scale but increasing the scope of my world was awesome and completely ME.  It became easier and easier to enter a state of flow where a sense of self and time disappeared, where high challenge was coupled with high levels of skill.  A career becoming a calling that happened organically.  Even now I still discover or re-invent new circles of competence which I get totally excited about.  I focused almost exclusively on my strengths, but managed my weaknesses where unavoidable.

You can do the same: find, invest in, commit to and be proud of your circles of competence.

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MAKING HELPFUL AND HOPEFUL COMPARISONS

Comparing yourself to others often breeds jealousy and/or a sense of disappointment.  There will ALWAYS be someone with a better, bigger, newer, shinier, smarter, richer, faster or flashier whatever.  At best you may win the comparison contest for a few weeks before you are topped or your achievement, if compared to others, loses its merit, interest or bragging rights.

However, comparisons can also be very constructive as they motivate us to seek to improve ourselves and our situation.  We look around and speculate how we can make for a better tomorrow.  Much of this forward thinking is based on comparing what is to what might be; looking for a fix or improvement to our current situation. If there was no better or worse outcome, nothing would be worth doing.*

So, how can you make the process of comparison helpful and work for you? It comes down to what is the standard or base you use when you make comparisons.  Is it reasonably achievable or unrealistic? Related or unrelated to your personal strengths?

The Canadian psychologist Jordan Peterson came up with a simple and effective rule, being: “Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today”.* Looking at the comparison process this way provides some practical guide.  Letting go of others in the comparison game makes the possibility of successful improvement highly achievable, as you become your own standard. 

So how can you make comparison helpful and hopeful?  Decide on what aspects of yourself to focus on for improvement by asking: “What is the better version of yourself you want?”  What are those personal attributes that you are likely to succeed at bettering?  Set low and readily achievable targets and slowly up your game.  Observe and appreciate your personal improvement over time.   Make the rewards for progress intrinsic and personally satisfying.  Look at your yesterday and note how your today is in a minor way better.

Letting go of others in the comparison process is an effective way to focus on yourself and your journey.  Get rid of the disquieting self-doubt and jealousy that others unhelpfully introduce into your self-improvement challenge.

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*:  Jordan B. Peterson, 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos, (Penguin Books, 2018)

YOU MISS 100% OF THE SHOTS YOU DON’T MAKE

Wayne Gretzky made the above observation about hockey (and life).  There are many versions of this saying, and they all make the same point: without commitment, risk taking and effort, you will miss out on many of life’s opportunities.

 Having had the opportunity to observe thousands of university learners, it is rather easy to identify those that are likely to be successful, and those who are less likely to be so.  What distinguishes the achievers is their willingness to be seen and heard, and a keenness to risk being wrong for the reward of being right and learning something extra (getting a goal).  The under-achievers take few risks and seem to actively sabotage their opportunities by apparent indifference and disengagement.  Luckily, most pupils are somewhere in-between, but could easily up their game.

 This shows itself very markedly with regard to student participation in classes.  Many students are fearful of embarrassing themselves with a wrong answer, and convince themselves others will ridicule them.  They miss 100% of the opportunities that interaction affords. 

 Having watched the classroom dynamics for many years, there are two conclusions I note from those that humbly engage: 

Others almost always judge those that engage very compassionately.  There is a calm and real kindness, a silent respect, for that person interacting, as others admire that person putting themselves at risk (and silently thinking, “I would have said that”.

Even more rarely is a response or suggestion completely wrong.  Generally, at least part of what was noted had merit.  More importantly, the act of engagement made the situation feel more inclusive and collaborative.

 Pause for a moment and reflect, when someone speaks, do you judge them harshly or unkindly?  Likely you don’t, unless that person’s ego is large or they are attention seeking.  Taking shots at learning and life opportunities by risking a wrong or stupid answer or idea is the key to critical thinking, progress, promotions and finding your calling.

 Provided one is humble and respectful, whether in the classroom or the workplace, putting your ideas and suggestions forward will reward you richly.  And once in a while you will certainly score a goal – so be courageous and take a risk!

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HOW TO MAKE YOUR SMALLER CUP BIGGER

Reframing situations in my life so that I have a smaller cup has been incredibly empowering. Can we stay with this wisdom a little longer?

Don’t misunderstand this: I am not suggesting that you simply desire a small cup, and your current situation is forever good enough, allowing you to sit back and never have another aspirational thought again. NO way!!  Rather, I would suggest that being aspirational, self-motivated and proactive are easier attitudes to adopt when we feel higher levels of self-esteem, achievement and contentment. The secret is in finding a balance between contentment and aspiration - how full is the optimum level of our cup?

The range of 65 to 75% full works for me.  Goals should be challenging and attainable, but not overwhelming. When my cup is around 70% full, I am encouraged to keep trying hard and to keep seeking out new challenges and opportunities. One of the more insightful movies I saw was “What about Bob?’  One of the characters is a psychiatrist whose treatment protocol is about baby steps. The trick is to forever make your cup grow a little bigger: grow your cup, but grow it slowly, with baby steps.

One is forever in a state of either growth or decline: it is like you are rowing up a river, and if you stop rowing you don’t stay still – you go backwards. As I achieved a new milestone, I invented a new goal that were just a little bit beyond my current reach. Just a little further out there, but always within reach.  Small increments in the long run advance us towards our well-being goals.  I never said or suggested your cup was small, rather smaller, but always growing.

To implement the smaller cup lifestyle, start by finding you own best state of being “full yet smaller”.  And remember to keep expanding your cup in small steps by keeping it 70%- even letting it overflow once in a while!

Over a lifetime, a healthily realistic, but nonetheless essentially optimistic, attitude towards life’s situations and challenges can create a tremendous sense of well-being and bounty.  Remember, there is no limit as to how big your “smaller cup” can be; I would suggest VERY BIG INDEED is how large it will become.  And larger than if you started with a big cup that was half full.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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HOW LONG IS NOW?

With so much mention about “being in the now or moment” it seems a fair question to ask: ”How long is now?”  NOW is defined as the length of time that you can be aware of something before your awareness moves on to something else. Different estimates abound, ranging from one to ten seconds long, averaging between two and three seconds for each discreet NOW moment. (1) 

That means you experience between 10,000 and 20,000 NOWS during each waking day. However you remember almost none of these NOW moments.  Does this forgetfulness dismiss the importance of being the moment?  NO! 

As Bill Keane, the cartoonist of Family Circle said in 1984:   “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a GIFT.  That’s why it’s called the present.”

At any one moment there are three different NOW selves potentially engaged. These selves are your experiencing (present) self, your remembering (past) self and your planning (future) self.  Each of these selves is fighting for your awareness.  Unfortunately, the past (regretting) self wins most of your NOW awareness, followed the future (worrying or anxious) self and the present (mindful) self just hangs around being rather dis-engaged.

You cannot productively use all those three second moments as present gifts, but you can improve and re-prioritize your mind to think more effectively.  Whereas 99.9% of these NOWs are fleeting, deliberately engage with the 0.001% of them (about 20 per day) and make them real and alive.  Bring a smile to your face.  Pause, take a breath, look about and engage as many of your senses as you can. Once in the while cause a NOW moment to become a genuine memory worthy of sharing with others and remembering for a few days.  Do something exciting, uniquely different and spontaneous.  And make it your mission at least four or five times a year to create a celebration that you will use to frame the year by.   This isn’t taking a selfie and putting it on your Facebook, but rather experiencing something that you will privately cherish and smile about as you re-count this year several years later.  Cause some NOW milestones!!

Annually you have around five million NOW moments, so make some of these present moments a gift to yourself.

 Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

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(1): Marc Wittmann, Felt Time: The Psychology of How We Perceive Time, (MIT Press, 2016) 

KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE BALL

When things get tense in a discussion, we often forget to focus on the most important issues, and get caught up in an emotional or tangential reactions to our situation.  The emotional dimension of a heated discussion overwhelms us and we take our eyes off the ball, especially if things start to get personal. We often pursue an angry and spiteful agenda which sidetracks us away from the major issue, or distracts us for the matter at hand.  Please beware of what is happening at this point.  Getting even overwhelms getting on, when being right and winning seems to be all that matters.

What I have learned all too well when matters get heated is that I need to step back and ensure I am clear as to what the problem is. So often we all fail to do this. Often I am agreeing with the other person, just in a different way.  Or we almost agree and the differences are small, but we are too emotionally connected and want to win without any compromise.  And most commonly, we differ because we are debating along similar lines, but are actually trying to make completely different points about an issue, and are not actively listening and having a dialogue.

What should one do when matters get ahead of us and emotions drown out listening?  Go back to the beginning and check whether you and others are looking at the same issue.  Spend some time precisely clarifying the topic or issue: did you really mean that? Did you mean to say?... Look for commonality in the positions you hold. Take time out and call a halt to things to allow for some reflection.

Keeping your eyes on the ball is about clarifying what the PROBLEM is, listening to ensure you are properly understanding the other person’s point of view, and taking time out to review and revisit a discussion that is getting too heated or too personal.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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BEING IN THE ZONE or FLOW

We have all been in the flow** and relish these moments.  This is where one is engaged in an activity which is both high in challenge but matched with a high level of personal skill.  Awareness of time disappears, one is totally absorbed in the task at hand and in a state of peace, joy and total presence in the moment.  In sports, the experience of flow is described as being “in the zone”.   The importance of having a high degree of personal control over your circumstance makes the flow that much more authentic. By contrast, the opposite of flow is apathy or boredom, where one is using few of one’s skills, and the level of task challenge is low, with generally limited autonomy.

There are challenges to being in the flow, and they can be overcome.  A good place to start is to appreciate the importance of deliberately combining high levels of challenge and skill together.  The synergy of skill and challenge can motivate you to design part of your career or leisure time to allow for more flow situations. 

Creatively and carefully look at your job or leisure time and consider where there are opportunities to develop new skills or challenging opportunities.  Look at some of your more frequent but boring or less satisfying obligations and see if they can be re-engineered to being more skillful or challenging.  I disliked the exams marking aspect of university lecturing.  Subsequently I re-engineered the exam papers, questions, answer booklets, grade allocation/calibration, marking pens, marking space and workspace arrangement such that grading was more skillful and properly challenging (though never a joy).  Also see where there are opportunities for increased autonomy and design activities for skill improvement and challenge.

The awesome thing about flow is that by deliberately embedding it into your daily rituals, your occupational and intellectual well-being improves (two of the seven aspects of wellness).  

 **: Mihály Csíkszentmihályi coined and researched flow extensively.  The TedTalk video noted below provides more details on flow:

www.ted.com/talks/mihaly_csikszentmihalyi_on_flow?language=af

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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INTEGRITY AND SELF-ESTEEM

One of the more troubling changes I have noticed in younger adult learners is a serious deficit of self-esteem.  More and more students appear to be overly shy, uncertain and unwilling to proactively engage in their learning and life experiences.  They express limited or negative confidence or satisfaction in themselves or their futures.  Having a low self-image or regard in the early stages of one’s adult journey can significantly undermine one’s future prospects.

The psychologist Nathaniel Branden, considered the father of the self-esteem movement, recognizes integrity as one of the essential pillars of self-esteem. Research by Branden and others suggests the existence of a self-reinforcing loop between integrity and self-esteem. The more integrity we practice, the more we esteem ourselves; and the more self-esteem we have, the more likely we are to exemplify congruence between our words and our actions.   When I follow up on my commitments—to others or to myself—I am sending others and myself an important message: that my thoughts, my words, and my self-matter. My words are an expression of myself, and therefore when I honor my words I am honoring myself.*

Integrity can be defined as walking your talk; keeping your word and commitments.  If you say you will be there at 11, be there at 11.  If you say you will do something, do it.  Perhaps it sounds trivial, but that is precisely the point of Branden’s research findings.  Keeping even the smallest and simplest of commitments does make you feel better about yourself. A sense of wellness does emerge and grow.  Posed another way, what does not keeping your word say about you or how others interpret you? From my own observations, I do notice that those I associate with higher integrity almost without exception also display higher degrees of self-esteem.

Positive psychologists suggest a simple program of making two or three small pledges to yourself and others, and systematically honouring them.  What quickly emerges is a sense of modest pride (one of the ten positive emotions).  As these commitments become habits, add more ambitious pledges.  Several things will occur; you will feel better about yourself, and others will think the better of you.

Make walking your talk part of who you are.

*: Even Happier: A Gratitude Journal for Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment by Tal Ben-Shahar

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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