KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE BALL

When things get tense in a discussion, we often forget to focus on the most important issues, and get caught up in an emotional or tangential reactions to our situation.  The emotional dimension of a heated discussion overwhelms us and we take our eyes off the ball, especially if things start to get personal. We often pursue an angry and spiteful agenda which sidetracks us away from the major issue, or distracts us for the matter at hand.  Please beware of what is happening at this point.  Getting even overwhelms getting on, when being right and winning seems to be all that matters.

What I have learned all too well when matters get heated is that I need to step back and ensure I am clear as to what the problem is. So often we all fail to do this. Often I am agreeing with the other person, just in a different way.  Or we almost agree and the differences are small, but we are too emotionally connected and want to win without any compromise.  And most commonly, we differ because we are debating along similar lines, but are actually trying to make completely different points about an issue, and are not actively listening and having a dialogue.

What should one do when matters get ahead of us and emotions drown out listening?  Go back to the beginning and check whether you and others are looking at the same issue.  Spend some time precisely clarifying the topic or issue: did you really mean that? Did you mean to say?... Look for commonality in the positions you hold. Take time out and call a halt to things to allow for some reflection.

Keeping your eyes on the ball is about clarifying what the PROBLEM is, listening to ensure you are properly understanding the other person’s point of view, and taking time out to review and revisit a discussion that is getting too heated or too personal.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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INTEGRITY AND SELF-ESTEEM

One of the more troubling changes I have noticed in younger adult learners is a serious deficit of self-esteem.  More and more students appear to be overly shy, uncertain and unwilling to proactively engage in their learning and life experiences.  They express limited or negative confidence or satisfaction in themselves or their futures.  Having a low self-image or regard in the early stages of one’s adult journey can significantly undermine one’s future prospects.

The psychologist Nathaniel Branden, considered the father of the self-esteem movement, recognizes integrity as one of the essential pillars of self-esteem. Research by Branden and others suggests the existence of a self-reinforcing loop between integrity and self-esteem. The more integrity we practice, the more we esteem ourselves; and the more self-esteem we have, the more likely we are to exemplify congruence between our words and our actions.   When I follow up on my commitments—to others or to myself—I am sending others and myself an important message: that my thoughts, my words, and my self-matter. My words are an expression of myself, and therefore when I honor my words I am honoring myself.*

Integrity can be defined as walking your talk; keeping your word and commitments.  If you say you will be there at 11, be there at 11.  If you say you will do something, do it.  Perhaps it sounds trivial, but that is precisely the point of Branden’s research findings.  Keeping even the smallest and simplest of commitments does make you feel better about yourself. A sense of wellness does emerge and grow.  Posed another way, what does not keeping your word say about you or how others interpret you? From my own observations, I do notice that those I associate with higher integrity almost without exception also display higher degrees of self-esteem.

Positive psychologists suggest a simple program of making two or three small pledges to yourself and others, and systematically honouring them.  What quickly emerges is a sense of modest pride (one of the ten positive emotions).  As these commitments become habits, add more ambitious pledges.  Several things will occur; you will feel better about yourself, and others will think the better of you.

Make walking your talk part of who you are.

*: Even Happier: A Gratitude Journal for Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment by Tal Ben-Shahar

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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ASK YOUR FRIENDS WHO YOU ARE

Often we are the last one to really know what is going on in our life. We may be sad, lost, less fit or a chore to be around but we don’t really know or believe it. But our friends and associates certainly do.

One especially useful time to involve others in your journey is when you are making career, retirement or finding our purpose dilemmas. We think we know what we like or want but by design we are biased and subjective. Your friend may be biased in that they like you but more importantly they see you as you are and behave. What they see is your strengths and weakness as they have had to adjust and accept them. Friends see what you are better or worse at because they can see how others reacted to your actions.

Bob Buford* described the process of discovering who you are by asking friends as seismic testing; where you allow others to drill into your personality and tell you what they observe and have discovered. These other set of eyes and hearts can be especially telling. Remembering these are friends and they are looking out for your well-being, they are certain to focus more on your abilities and steer you away from folly. Their precise insights may confirm or refute your plans, but at the very less their comments should be considered carefully.

Wonderfully, personal seismic testing let you know how others observe the consequences of your actions.

Asking questions such as “What do you (your friend):

“think I am especially effective (ineffective) at?”

“observe from the reactions of others that I do well (poorly)?”

“consider to be some of my more useful (weak) technical skills?”

“think I would be especially good at doing?”

“recommend would be the wisest new skill I develop to master my strengths (or tame my weaknesses)?”

“wish I would just stop doing as it is especially annoying to others?”*

Asking close friends how you actually come across is useful advice when you are looking for direction and purpose. They likely know a lot more about you than you imagine. And do listen carefully to what they say and observe, it may be positively inspiring.

*Half Time, Moving from Success to Signifance by Bob Buford

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.