PRAISE

Authentic and timely praise is an expression of approval, honour, respect, admiration or commendation for the achievement or qualities of someone or something.   

Over the past two weeks there has been so much sincere praise for the achievements of Olympic athletes.  Perhaps it is timely to ponder how this admiration resonated within us.  C. S. Lewis wrote:

The most obvious fact about praise … strangely escaped me … I had never noticed that all enjoyment spontaneously overflows into praise … the world rings with praise … walkers praising the countryside, players praising their favourite game – praise of weather, wines, dishes, actors, horses, colleges, countries, historical personages, children, flowers, mountains, rare stamps, rare books, even sometimes politicians and scholars… I think we delight to praise what we enjoy because the praise not merely expresses but completes the enjoyment; it is its appointed consummation*

When an athlete did something spectacular,  we marvelled and enjoyed their success. Had we been there, we would likely have clapped, stood up and cheered  to honour and admire their success, and smiled and enjoyed the event.

Praising others is a uniquely empowering emotion. It improves the wellbeing of the recipient when sincerely given, at an appropriate moment.  This admiration has a second personal benefit, as it brings us into the present moment and our own spirits are enhanced.  By praising others, we also elevate our own wellness.

Think about it.  When your compliment your partner, colleague, child or friend for doing something noteworthy, what happens?  First, it puts both of you into the present moment. Then the relationship gets a positive boost as the recipient appreciates your attentiveness and relishes your tribute.  And all along you are spontaneously feeling uplifted and happy.

Being judgemental is discouraged, as this judgement too often is negative. Caution can restrain our willingness to risk praising others.   As C. S. Lewis suggests, praise is uplifting and completes our enjoyment.  Authentic praise is a selfless form of gratitude which makes everyone’s world better. 

Actively seek out praising opportunities (but do be mindful that the timing is essential as many folks are modest and embarrass easily if commenced in public). 

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

Please share freely and widely, there are no copyright concerns

*:C. S. Lewis,  Reflections on the Psalms

CARING

Caring for and being cared for by others is an essential part of a constructive and productive relationship. However, in our busy lifestyle, do we actually spend enough time looking for caring opportunities or acknowledging when others look after us? Rick Hanson noted:

Caring comes in five major forms, with increasing intensity: being included, being seen, being appreciated, being liked, and being loved. Each one of these is an opportunity to feel cared about. Over time, repeatedly internalizing these experiences can build up a basis for secure attachment. As you go through your day, look for the little moments in which another person is interested, friendly, grateful, empathic, respectful, affectionate, or loving towards you.*

What I like about this thorough dissection of caring it that it opens up how you can actively care for others and similarly appreciate when others are actively caring for you.  Whereas we all know being concerned for others is central to a healthy relationship, do we necessarily know how to go about tending for others?

Starting with caring for others; it is like a dial that I can mindfully turn up and down.  Mentioning the other person’s name in a conversation with them immediately makes them feel included.  Making the effort to look them up, noting their achievements, asking genuinely curious questions about what they are doing, using  affirmative or appropriate endearing terms to describe your friendship are all caring gestures.  What is so fascinating but also disappointing about caring for others it that we probably don’t do it as deliberately or mindfully as we could or should.  Challenge yourself to proactively appreciate a specific person, through a variety of caring actions.

Noting and enjoying being cared for by others is also part of the cycle.  How often do we stop and savour those times when others are affectionate towards us?  In our hurriedness are we oblivious to the kindness of others. Do we dismiss or overlook the interest, friendliness, empathy, respect or other caring gestures sent our way? Tuning in to when we receive affection reinforces and encourages us to return the favour.

Caring matters!  We can all up our kindness quotient.  Experiment with and observe when caring is occurring: it will make for a kinder world and community. 

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

Please share freely and widely, there are no copyright concerns

*: Rick Hanson, "Resilient: 12 Tools for transforming everyday experiences into lasting happiness"

PAUSING, RELISHING, SAVOURING AND LEARNING*

For as long back as I can remember, I have had this habit of privately re-playing my small successes or joyful experiences.  I pause, count my blessings and let that moment really sink in.  What I only recently discovered was that this relishing process was doing something constructive for my overall well-being. *

What I was building were neurological connections in my brain that were changing the way I experienced, processed, perceived and remembered my circumstances.  As the activating event was pleasurable, I was building a reflex process that almost automatically triggered positive emotions when similar situations presented themselves again.  I was unconsciously using Hebb’s theory, summarized as:

“(Brain) Cells that fire together, wire together”.

As I got older, I learned how to make this positive wellness process work more effectively.  When it is suggested that I “smell the coffee” and be in the moment, that is what I did.  The key improvement is that I had a step-by-step plan in place as to how to make that “coffee” moment more easily replicated. I mindfully pause in that experience, savour it, acknowledge that I am feeling joyful and then isolate what is especially special and unique about that moment.  I reward myself for being in that fortunate moment by learning from it, joining it to previous similar times and generalizing about how to replay that positive scenario again when similar situations are present.  As I build my inventory of wellness moments and triggers, the process starts to run on its own.

Working backwards, when negative or challenging events occur, you can use this process to make them less influential to your overall wellness.  The key is not to harbour less pleasant moments and avoid creating reflexes systems that accommodate and reinforce them. Restated, don’t build negative neuron pathways in your brain that intensify and default to regret and sad ruminations when triggered by challenging events.  

Being in the now is awesome and when that NOW moment is wonderful then so much the better.  Mindfully pause, relish and savour that experience. Watch and enjoy the wiring, re-wiring and programming of your brain and learn how to make your neurons enhance your well being.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns

*: Rick Hanson in his book, "Resilient: 12 Tools for transforming everyday experiences into lasting happiness" uses what he calls the HEAL process to implement what I am describing.

BEING PATIENT

Being patient is not one of my strong points.  Being impatient has, on more than one occasion, had significant career consequences.  However, as I have gotten older, I have improved on this score.   Recently, I learned a bit of the science behind patience, which has improved my ability to demonstrate it.

Patience might sound like a modest virtue, but it’s the essence of two primary factors in mental health and worldly success. The first is delay of gratification, the willingness to put off immediate rewards for the sake of a greater future reward. The second is distress tolerance, the capacity to endure a painful or uncomfortable experience without making a bad thing worse.*

What I find helpful from this dissection of patience is that it identifies two rather different inputs: delaying gratification and distress tolerance.  Each of these give me ideas for different strategies to manage my impatience. 

Explicitly acknowledging that I am delaying gratification keeps me focused on the fact that the reward is coming, I just must wait.  Being mindful I am deferring gratification lets me know what I should be doing, and thereby significantly reduces  my impatience.  Knowing that I am practicing deferring gratification is helpful, as this skill is one of the most important contributors to overall wellness and success.  Mindfully waiting for pleasure or joy also materially enhances the later happiness.

Being made to wait for something pleasurable induces an element of distress or discomfort.  Knowing this is part of the process, I just grin and bear it. Knowing the stress will go away soon enough makes waiting that much easier. I remember when I quit smoking (eighteen years ago), just by distracting myself for ten seconds it took my mind off the cigarette, and the desire to smoke would go away (and it generally did). 

Recently, I was in a slow car parade with the lead driver going 2/3 of the posted speed limit.  I practiced being patient.  I started with acknowledging that all I was deferring was the idea of getting home a little earlier.  The distress tolerance started by accepting that fact that the experience was not really that unpleasant and getting home sooner or later by five minutes was no big deal.  Seeing others behind and in front of me suggested I was not alone; misery often loves company.  Patience prevailed over getting too worked up.

I’m no poster person for patience.  However, being able to reason and feel my way through the waiting period allows my slow thinking self to take over my fast thinking nature.  Using the science behind patience does encourage greater serenity. Learning and being more patient is so good for the soul. 

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns

*: Rick Hanson, "Resilient: 12 Tools for transforming everyday experiences into lasting happiness"

SEEING THINGS IN BLACK AND WHITE

Black and white, Yes/No, Zero/One, binary logic assumes that there are absolute solutions or answers to many of life’s riddles.  Ambiguity is unnecessary and unwelcome.  Debating, discussing or pondering complex issues seems to be politically incorrect and unwelcome at times.

There appears to be a ‘politically correct’ answer to many of the troubling challenges society is facing.  People sometimes refuse to express their opinions because they believe they are ‘not allowed to say or think that’ in public.  Between identity politics and populism, the boundaries of critical thinking and inquiry are being reduced, and scope for intolerance increased.

Are most issues where others differ that simple? Are there no trade-offs where others might see things differently?  Are their priorities universal?  Are their lenses and perceptions complete, correct or necessarily relevant? What happened to complexity, lateral thinking, compromise  and “I beg to differ” legitimacy?

Black and white logic is quick and with like-minded colleagues, effective for team and friendship building.  However, binary thinking often comes at the expense of tolerance, inclusiveness, critical thinking, liberal democracy and a civil society.  Maybe both sides are correct, but for different reasons and to different degrees.

What I am petitioning for is tolerance, inclusiveness and compromise.  If you want any semblance of peace and wellness in your life you will need to let go of being right or better than others.  Enjoy diversity of opinion.  See what you can learn from others’ perspectives.  Remember, if you mix black and white together you get grey, which is generally the equitable solution to most complicated dilemmas.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns

UNGRATITUDE

I know that ungratitude is not a word, but it is an idea and common natural emotion or reaction today. Gratitude is one of the most essential and powerful nutrients to wellness, it can act as a catalyst which quickly moves one into a better place.  Put differently, a sense of  wellbeing is virtually impossible without being partly grounded in gratitude and thankfulness.

As the prefix “un” often means opposite, it is this notion that I am pondering.  So, what is the opposite attitude or feeling to gratitude? Please pause for a moment and challenge yourself to conjure up what is the best single word that is the antitheses to gratitude. I think it is:

  Entitlement.

What is gratitude? I would suggest it could be being thankful for something that happened to you. It could be about getting something randomly that is just wonderful, and so you appreciate your good fortune. It could also be about feeling undeservedly blessed or just plain lucky.  Isn’t entitlement the opposite reaction?

Entitlement is when you feel that it is your right to expect your good fortune, that you have earned it, and equally to not be so blessed is unfair or unjust.  When receiving favourable treatment or positive outcomes is considered the norm, then why would anyone feel a need to be grateful or thankful?

Yes, we are entitled to many rights and benefits, but even for these preferences it is helpful to also feel grateful.  The less you feel entitled to, the more you can have a sense of gratitude for. 

An important aspect of having a smaller cup is to view most of your rights as privileges, giving you more room for appreciating your situation. When something is considered an entitlement, it can  undermine your joyfulness. Put another way, the more you feel entitled to, the bigger and emptier your cup will seem. 

It is helpful to be aware that many  perceived entitlements are not free or may come at the expense of someone else’s rights or their entitlements.  There is no such thing as a free lunch: everything has non-financial and financial costs.  How do your entitlements affect others and their rights?

By re-classifying most of your entitlements or rights as privileges an enormous opportunity is created for gratitude and improved wellbeing.  Feeling grateful certainly beats feeling jealous and all the other emotions grounded in entitlement.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns

IF LIFE IS A JOURNEY, THEN ….

I often refer to my life as a journey and forget that there have been and are so many people on this journey with me.  Perhaps I should modify this refrain and state rather:  “My life is a PLANE journey”, for so it was and is.

As I pause and reflect on this communal voyage, I am amazed how many others have made this trip so awesome.  Passengers have got on and off my PLANE, changed their seats to be nearer and further from me, some occasionally taking over the driving or encouraging me to stop. I have been taken to places I had never imagined. Sometimes I was the only one on my plane, which was intense because of its lonesomeness.  Then there were a few nuisance travel-mates who pulled me off track and/or damaged the engine of my plane.  But at the end of the day, I am grateful for EVERY fellow passenger on my life’s plane journey, the wonderful and the troublesome.

What is so inspiring is the wonderful tapestry of serendipitous views and events that my companions shared.  As I look at the seating plan, I was generally in the economy class and occasionally got bumped up to business or first class.    Who were those pilots that strongly influenced my journey?  Who were the stewards who made the trip so comfortable?  Who sat in the seats beside, in-front and behind me?

Wow, what an amazing cast of fellow travelers have been part of my continuing journey.  As I pause and take inventory, there are fifteen or twenty passengers that I can name that I am profoundly grateful to for sharing my journey.  I love savouring their companionship and what it brought with it.  And then there are the thousands of others who paths I crossed who added marvelous colour and depth to the scenery.

So, who are your traveling companions on your plane journey of life? What is your seating plan? What can you bring to another’s life journey to make their journey more joyful?  Once in the while,  stop looking out the window and watch your fellow passengers!

Do make your life journey and plane ride a trip that works for you.  Relish the fellowship and banter of your traveling buddies.  And let go a little about the destination, provided you keep going in the general direction that lines up with your life mission and purpose.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns

I DON’T KNOW

Early in my career, when I was asked a question that challenged my knowledge or understanding I would venture an answer based on my best educated guess.  Partly out of pride and false confidence, an answer would emerge. 

 Then one day I changed my reply to: “That was a good question. I don’t know. Can I get back to you on that?” if I was less than certain of the answer.

 Publicly acknowledging that I did not know was wonderful; a true breath of relief to admit my limitations.  Letting go of thinking or acting as if you know more than you really do is such a joy.  It encouraged my learning and zeal in my area of expertise as I now had topics to explore more carefully and curiously.  That small uncertainty was so exciting, I could probe some obscure issue with a new perspective.

 I have learned to understand the empowerment of admitting I don’t know and sharing my limitations that with others.  This honesty increases the confidence in what I do know and understand, but adds a note of humility and sincerity to my advice and instruction.  It is okay to have gaps in your knowledge.

 I noticed that others were fine with me not knowing the precise answer, particularly when I did get back to them later.  This ignorance seemed to increase their trust in what I otherwise suggested.  Being overconfident in your expertise is unnecessary and possibly even unprofessional.

 Being humble and honest about what you don’t know opens you to being in awe of your body of knowledge.  Exploring these omissions is good for your critical thinking abilities.  Humbly admitting you don’t know something is excellent medicine for your well-being.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please share freely and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

SELF-COMPASSION*

Rabbi Hillel said:

If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? If not now, when?

Indeed, if you are not kind to yourself, then where and when is your life journey going? Too often we are better friends to others than ourselves.  That is where self-compassion starts: deeply caring about yourself and your situation just as you might be concerned for a dear friend or soul mate, and then doing something about it.  The only difference is you are also that other person.

Self-compassion is not about feeling sorry for yourself.  Rather it is about designing remedies and perspectives that see you progressing to a better place.  In practice you are starting to come to terms with some of your quirks and faults and learning to accept  and if possible, change them, just as we do of friends.  That letting go and being non-judgemental with yourself brings a sense of peace and calm. 

Compassion for yourself is where you start when things are tough, not where you stop. Self-compassion makes a person more resilient, more able to bounce back. It lowers self-criticism and builds up self-worth, helping you to be more ambitious and successful, not complacent and lazy. In compassion for your own pain is a sense of common humanity: we all suffer, we all face disease and death, we all lose others we love. Everyone is fragile. As Leonard Cohen sang: “There is a crack in everything / That’s how the light gets in.” Everyone is cracked. Everyone needs compassion.*

 This is where Rick Hanson* steps in with some interesting advice.  You should savour that calm from self-compassion and associate it with the process of healing and changing.  Reinforce, remember and repeat the connection between the positive feelings of letting go and the personal challenges you are addressing.  Self-compassion encourages you to reward yourself with your efforts to change, just as you would for a friend you are actively helping.  Being personally kind to yourself brings an internal glow of wellness; don’t overlook that sensation, rather dwell on it and use its synergy to further advance your self-help progress.”

To change your mind, you may have to change your brain. Neuroplasticity is reformatting your brain, including reformatting it to be a better friend to yourself. Self-compassion enables the transformation process to work.  Be kind to yourself, just as you would to any true friend.

 Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

*:  Many of these observations are based on the book Resilient by Rick Hanson

RESTORYING YOUR STORY

Our past is a marvelous collection of experiences and serendipitous coincidences.  However, within this collage are about 30 minutes in my life that went rather badly and seem to crowd out too much of my joy.  There are times in my past where a joke, self-introduction, lecture or chance encounter went pear-shaped, and more than a few times when I lost my temper and spoke when I should have kept quiet.  I have ruminated about these mishaps endlessly.  In each of these cases, it is deep embarrassment, disappointment and regret that I feel. 

Recently I decided “enough was enough”. I needed to  let go and forgive myself these missteps.  I decided to restory my story, to tell my story differently and compassionately, especially to myself. 

I decided to stop repeating the “What if” drama.  This was essential: what has been done cannot be undone, so ruminating is pointless and unhelpful.  Next, I decided to put my mistake into context and consider it as a learning opportunity.  As each of these stories was largely the result of inexperience, youth, impatience or an experiment gone badly. I decided to enjoy the story as an example of growing up and one of those rites of passage.  Each of these episodes was an example of growing up, taking risks and/or letting my enthusiasm get in the way of being more prudent.  And if there is an apology that can be made, it has been done.

Restorying is part revising and re-writing history, but more importantly, it is owning your mistakes, feeling remorse and letting go.  I now can share these faux pas and smile, especially to myself.  There are some life lessons that need to be learned the hard way.  If I could apply the erase test and forever erase these stories, I likely would not be where I am today, and other mishaps would have replaced these events.  But I rather like where I am now, so it all worked out.

What is the point of restorying?  Own your story, consider it a learning opportunity, remember the life lesson it taught you and tell it to yourself in a gentle and forgiving way.  And then let go of the sadness and remorse that comes with that story, smile and more on.  Also remember, 30 minutes in a lifetime is rather short relative to the big picture and duration of the rest of our life.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

WORRY OR WONDER?

Covid has, unfortunately, increased our worrying ability and potential.  The daily health warnings have become part of our news diet.  What shouldn’t we do today? What new risk is out there?  Health anxiety is the new normal for so many.  Is there a remedy for some of this endless and increasing anxiety? 

I will suggest one very useful anti-anxiousness strategy.  Change your perspective from worrying to wondering.  When the next caution comes out, rather than tensing up, start to ponder about the science behind the news flash and become curious and engaged.  Imagine the research behind the finding; consider the probability or likelihood that is event might affect you.  Is the risk one in a hundred, or more likely one in several tens of thousands?  

Wondering about these possibilities is empowering because the risk, once quantified, generally becomes rather smaller, often trivial and more manageable.  Wondering rather than worrying slows our thinking process down and allows us to put matters into perspective.  Fast, reflexive thinking hijacks our emotions and before you know it ‘Fight or Flight’ panic confronts us.

Worrying tends to be a defensive strategy, wondering is the opposite: putting us on the offensive and challenging simple solutions and conclusions to complex matters.  Wonder encourages awe and amazement; something new to think about.

Being cautious is a good idea but worrying too often goes beyond being prudent and becomes fearful.  When our worries do not materialize, are we grateful,  or do we forget our good fortune and speculate on something new to become anxious about? Mindfully wondering is a useful brake to this vicious and often pointless anxiety cycle.

Covid is an outstanding example of how science and calm leadership changed worrying into wonderful.  What was originally suggested would be a two year wait for a 60% effective vaccine. That became a one-year turnaround with an 80%+ efficacy.  If that isn’t wonderful, awesome and a blessing, the I don’t know what marvelous news might be.

Reframe and replace your worrying tendencies with a wondering, curious and wonderful mindset.  It will make your day so much more carefree.

. 

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

KINDNESS

What do you imagine to be the most important quality that women and men seek in a sustained relationship? David Buss tested over 10,000 people from 37 different cultures and concluded that consistently the most important attribute was kindness.*  Whereas this conclusion may not be surprising, it certainly is reassuring.  Kindness is  powerful and universally appreciated. It is valued in all our relationships and interactions.

In all our hurrying about, do we spend enough time being kind?  Do we speculate what random or deliberate acts of kindness we might do to improve another’s day?  The word LOVE is sung and wrote about, but is that really what the world needs more of?  Yes, love is wonderful, but how about just being and acting in a kind and thoughtful way?

Kindness is an action word; it is something one actually does (or does not do).  Kindness can be seen and explicitly experienced by others.  Acting kindly requires one to think about or imagine someone else’s situation and directly engage with satisfying that request.  Kindness and thoughtfulness are a team, with thoughtfulness starting the process.

Mindfully being kind has strong synergy: not only do you make some else’s moment better, but it also lifts your spirits, and the opportunities for kindness are almost infinite. Simple actions like being courteous, generous, helpful  or differential are the sparks that start the kindness cycle.  Others do note these actions if they are done in an authentic and selfless manner.  The more random and anonymous these acts of kindness are, the more it improves your wellbeing and joy in that moment.

We as a species are described as mankind.  Let’s release our kindness and live up to our name and calling.  Please be kind (and tolerant).

 Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

*:          Buss, David M. 1989. “Sex Differences in Human Mate Preferences.” Behavioral and Brain Sciences

WHEN PREPARATION MEETS OPPORTUNITY

Some people just seem to be so lucky or blessed.  Life just seems to go their way. Why so??  Why not me?

One views suggests that luck is passive, random and largely beyond one’s control. Good things might happen to me, but I do not cause them to happen.  Another view is that luck is less random and is often caused or encouraged by mindful intervention.

Steven Leacock has said, “I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more of it I have.” I think that being lucky in life largely occurs when preparation meets opportunity.

One can significantly increase one’s likelihood of good fortune in life by consciously maturing skills and attitudes that are useful in one’s line of work. Putting yourself at risk and exposing yourself to opportunity is also a major factor. So many people miss out on opportunities because they do not put themselves forward, often from the mistaken belief that they are not good enough.

 For your career or calling, start by learning your craft and developing your skills, observing closely the rules of the game in your profession and identifying influencers or key players in that area.  Start walking the walk and talking the talk. Be authentic and focused, but also be realistic. Unrealistic hopes are bound to disappoint; but realistic aspirations, deliberately planned, seem to yield “luckier” outcomes. This is the preparation part.

Next, start looking for those opportunities.  Put yourself at risk and expose yourself to situations where opportunities related to your calling or aspirations are present. Cause opportunity by going outside your comfort zone and try networking beyond your traditional circle of acquaintances. Invest some of your leisure time to researching in detail the more complex aspects of your goal.

An important ingredient of luck is to be in the right place at the right time, with the requisite skills.  Strategically do your preparation and imagine not only your next move, but your next several moves – having a plan doesn’t mean it will succeed, but it must be better than having no plan at all. It is no coincidence that those who work harder and smarter seem to be luckier. And once the ball starts rolling, luck seems to multiply and flow more easily.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

WHAT IS IN YOUR CUP?

Previous reflections have considered if your cup is half full or half empty, but we overlooked thinking about the contents of your cup.  So, what might your cup contain?  Is it full of joy, disappointments, hope or sadness ??

When I imagine my cup’s contents, it is like a multi-layered pastry or rainbow.  The foundation layer is gratitude, as I try to be grateful for all the blessing and good fortune I have received.  This gratitude then sparks a profound sense of awe and wonder as I look at God’s creation and the natural beauty I am surrounded by, if only I pause to look and listen.   The next layer is joy and amusement as I remember the (mis)adventures and encounters that I have experienced and savour them. The next layer is love and hope; the kindness and fulfillment that abound when I risk letting go and being in the moment. There are more layers, but like the bottom, gratitude is also on the top level. 

I try to minimize the negative or unhelpful feelings in my cup.  These sentiments are there, and  I am aware of them, but I try to ensure that they do not overwhelm or undermine my wellbeing.

I know that your cup is different to mine, and there is no correct or better cup.  But what is refreshing is to speculate what is in your cup that makes it yours, unique to you.  Focusing on your life and what grounds and defines it is sobering.  Challenging yourself to prioritize your emotional wellbeing is constructive and insightful.  Are negative feelings defining your wellbeing?  Are your life experiences a turbulent mixture of wonderful and unfortunate circumstances, just swirling about? Does that need some sorting out and organizing?

 A cup that is structured around helpful, hopeful and joyful ingredients is bound to be better for your wellbeing.  So, what is in your cup? Make your cup work for you.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please share freely and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

WHY AM I HERE?

The psychiatrist Viktor Frankl wrote in his book “Man’s Search For Meaning”,

“He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.”*

Frankl concluded that what mankind needs is not a tensionless state but rather the striving and struggling for some goal worthy of oneself. What s/he needs is not the discharge of tension at any cost, but the call of a potential meaning waiting to be fulfilled by oneself.

His famous book, ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’ written in 1946, tells the story of how he survived the Holocaust by finding personal meaning in the experience. This gave him the will to live through it.  His view of life is based on the premise that man’s underlying motivator in life is a “will to find meaning, even in the most difficult of circumstances.”  

Frankl pointed to research which indicated a strong relationship between “meaninglessness” and criminal behaviours, addictions and depression. Without meaning, people fill the void with hedonistic pleasures, power, materialism, hatred, boredom, or neurotic obsessions and compulsions. Some may also strive for Suprameaning, the ultimate meaning in life, a spiritual kind of meaning that depends solely on a greater power outside of personal or external control. While Frankl rarely touches on the topic of the pursuit of happiness, he is very concerned with satisfaction and fulfilment in life.**

Asking and answering the question “Why am I here?” as it relates to your life opens a wonderful internal debate as to what your personal purpose is.   The clearer your personal mission statement is defined, the more likely life is to be fulfilling.  There will be struggles and trade-offs to achieve your goals, but this tension is empowering.

So, what is your WHY and what are you going to do with and about your WHY?? 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

*:             "Man's Search For Meaning: The classic tribute to hope from the Holocaust" by Viktor E Frankl.  The US Library of Congress described the book as one of  "the ten most influential books in the United States."

**:            https://www.pursuit-of-happiness.org/history-of-happiness/viktor-frankl/

SHALOM

Sometimes a word cannot be properly translated.  One such word is the Hebrew word SHALOM.  The nearest English translation is PEACE, but this falls far short of the richness of shalom.

Shalom in Hebrew means peace, harmony, wholeness, completeness, togetherness, prosperity, welfare and tranquility. *   And that is all implied in one word!

Interestingly, in Hebrew one may continue by asking of another, “How is your shalom (or peace)?”  Not surprisingly, given the range of feelings inferred in a single word, one can have so many different types of peace.  When we are at peace, is it harmony that we are feeling? or is it one of these other shades of wellness? Sometimes we are at peace, but at the same time troubled, as we feel incomplete or in difficulty. 

I have been pondering the idea of shalom for several weeks, trying to figure out how MY peace is right now.  Merely by pondering on the idea of shalom a peacefulness starts to develop in my heart.  Is my shalom one of completeness or tranquility or connectedness, or just the mystery of feeling at peace with my circumstances? 

I have become aware that what is really undermining my peace right now is that I am rather fed up with the fallout of the virus.  IT’S BEEN OVER A YEAR!!  However,  I still want to find peace so I need to re-define what is achievable given the various constraints I must accept and tolerate.  Sensing that my feelings  are shared by almost everyone else suggests  there is harmony, togetherness, wholeness with others; what I feel you are also likely feeling.  That makes me more tolerant and patient and soon I feel a sense of shalom and let go of my anxiousness.

One can take the challenge of shalom in the other direction and consider the opposite of shalom. 

If shalom means peace, harmony, and completeness than the opposite is when things fall apart or go to PIECES. **

The lesson here is that so often is that my peace is going to pieces.  To improve my circumstances, I need to pull things together, find harmony and commonality with others.

So, how is your peace?  See if you can piece your peace/shalom together and make it work for you.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

*:  Wikipedia

**: Rabbi Rick Sherwin

W.E.I.R.D.*

Being tolerant and inclusive is one of the hallmarks of wellbeing.  Yet, I must admit that I often find it hard to understand and appreciate how others could hold such different views and opinions to myself.  When I read in the news of events in Asia, Africa and South America it is often so foreign to what I think is proper and acceptable.  I wonder how these strangers could accept or tolerate such challenging circumstances.  I speculate that I would stand up and oppose their situation.

Then I learned about how you and I are likely very WEIRD.  WEIRD stands for:

Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich and Democratic

We see the world though our WEIRD lens and imagine that others are unusual.  However, when you look at the data, us WEIRD folks are at best only 12% of the world population and therefore more the exception than the rule.  Over 90% of the psychological and behavioural research is conducted on our small sample population. How we perceive and judge others is significantly influenced by our abnormal (and we imagine fortunate) set of circumstances.  From these findings, we extrapolate to generalize about how others might react to a given situation. 

Acknowledging that where I am coming from is exceptional is very sobering.  Each of these five variables is extremely powerful in shaping my world view.  Take any one of these identifiers away  and my situation and view of normal or fair is turned upside-down.  Judging others and their sense of fairness is very exclusive and elite.  So much of our WEIRDness is hard wired into our world view.

Being tolerate and inclusive is immensely challenging but essential to our wellness.  I suggest that the solution is not to abandon our unique bounty but rather to let go of judging others based on our perceptions and values.  We should carefully consider whether it is our WEIRDness that is driving our judgements. 

Life is wonderfully complex. Maybe we are in the minority and wrong.  Consider carefully your own biases before jumping to conclusions or judging others choices.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

*: Ara Norenzayan et al, The weirdest people in the world? , Behavioural and Brain Science (2010)

A SMALLER, SMALL CUP

I am finding the drawn-out ‘sooner rather than later’ ending of the Covid situation strangely challenging.  My earlier locked-down, physically distanced time of waiting is nearing its end.  Only recently has this strange year began to really wear me down.  Maybe you hit that wall earlier.  With the end in sight, demonstrating patience is becoming ever harder.  Coping and trying to be well and positive is becoming more difficult.

The notion of having a smaller cup which is fuller (compared to a half full or half empty cup) has a new meaning to me.  Rather than just having a small(er) cup, I have had to deliberately make this cup of my expectations even smaller again.  The reality of Covid has really begun to set in: room for excitement, wonder and optimism have indeed become limited and exhausted. 

Over the past month to maintain a positive sense of wellness, I have mindfully downsized my cup of joy to keep it relatively full.  Smaller blessings and pleasures have become more joyful and meaningful.  Traveling even a few miles from home is my current travel adventure goal. 

By consciously shrinking what I expect, it has made the waiting process easier and more promising.  Convincing myself that less is better has materially improved my spirits.  It is now much easier to get excited and eager about almost anything; trivial things really matter now. 

Pacing myself to imagine that soon something resembling the old normal will return is giving me an opportunity to constructively plan for what is ahead.  Not only will my new cup of life be sturdier and initially smaller, but I am determined to savour more the simple pleasures of life.  Visits to friends will be much more special.  Being in crowds will be a welcome event.  Being able to travel slightly further afield: what a dream!

As the end comes nearer, please don’t waste the opportunity to re-evaluate and re-calibrate your post-Covid world.  Ask yourself, “What lessons have I learned that I can use to make the next chapter of my life better?”  Plan your escape and return to normality.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

AWE*

Humans are blessed with some emotions and feelings which are not found in other species. What makes humans uniquely different?  According to ancient Greek mythology, Zeus endowed humans with two special qualities.  The first was a sense of justice, to ensure that the needs of all would be met.  The second was the capacity for awe.   

The myth suggested that awe encouraged positive emotions like reverence, devotion, gratitude, and  modesty to emerge.  We feel connected to others; and a sense of unity within the community grows.  Awe make one feel small and appreciative of the wonder and awesomeness of something greater and more majestic than us.  Our common humanity brings us together and we are more willing to subordinate our self-interest for the collective good.

But where has our sense of awe gone?  The spectacular and the extra-ordinary seem to have lost their significance.  We shrug our shoulders too easily, as though something astonishing was just another Hollywood special effect.  Science and the media seem to have numbed our sense of amazement.  Perhaps we are too cynical, proud  or sophisticated to acknowledge our true insignificance.  We see something truly amazing, and rather than savour the moment and let it take our breath away, we take a selfie, and the magic is gone.

Put in a different way, empowering awe makes our wellbeing that much better.  Feeling humble, insignificant and ordinary brings harmony to our community.  The respect and reverence that awe encourages brings tolerance and inclusiveness for others.  Feeling smaller and less important makes us glow inside.  Absolute wonder brings the innocence of our youth to the fore, as we lose our breath and feel totally in the NOW.

Seek out some awe and the spectacular in your daily life; it is there and waiting if we are humble enough to see and acknowledge it.  Allow for the super-natural and you will certainly experience the awe of the present moment.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

*:  See Reverence by Paul Woodruff or Born to be Good by Dacher Keltner

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

FAIL-FAST *(2)

Lifelong learning is good for our well-being.  Keeping the mind active and engaged can reduce some of the threats to our mental health in our later years.  The challenge is how to develop habits and skills that make learning pleasurable and effective.

The fail-fast, learn-fast process described last week is a learning strategy.  The essence of this approach is to quickly experiment with new knowledge and skills. We need to accept failure and mis-steps as part of the learning process. Failing often and early on leads to stronger and more frequent  positive outcomes later.  Tessa Koller noted thirteen interesting outcomes from adopting a  fail-fast strategy.* Some of these positive outcomes are noted here:

1.          You become more resilient.  You gain a thicker skin; and subsequent setbacks and disappointments don’t bother you as much.

2.         Your failures highlight what works.  Your knowledge of what succeeds sharpens and hones your skills and abilities.

3.         Failures suggest new alternatives as to what may eventually work.  Failing opens possibilities.

4.         Failures are not absolute or terminal.  Disappointments followed by later successes help you develop the habit of re-framing outcomes in positive and hopeful ways.

5.         By bouncing back from disappointment, you will inspire others.  Your resilience will encourage others to keep persevering.

6.         Unsuccessful outcomes strengthen your mindset.  The process of re-starting is an inevitable reality for everyone.  Training your spirits to see the bigger picture of hardship as a learning experience is essential to sustainable wellbeing.

7.         Failing fast can expand your risk taking appetite. A certain degree of risk taking opens you up to many new experiences and opportunities. 

8.         Failing is exciting and purposeful.  The immediate feedback from a mistake is invigorating:  It may hurt a bit, but it is real.  This makes the eventual victory that much more rewarding.

9.         Failing is fun. Once you recalibrate your reaction to disappointment and see it as a growth opportunity., failure becomes a cause for optimism and renewed purpose, and that is fun.

My life has been filled with thousands of small (and larger) mistakes, failures and setbacks, but greater by a factor of two or three are the number of joyful successes.  And that is what wellness may just be all about.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

*:  13 Reasons Why You Should Fail Fast to Learn Fast by Tessa Koller,  : www.lifehack.org/851912/fail-fast

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

Physically distance, never socially distance.