WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?*

The number of times that things have not gone to plan in my life must now be in the many thousands.  With each of these disappointments or unsuccessful outcomes, there were many possible reactions:  I could be angry, disappointed, blameful, frustrated, resigned, reflective or grateful.

Over the years, I have decided that the best perspective to take was to ask the question:

What have I learned?

‘That result was a real let-down’. ‘That person’s carelessness did affect me’.  ‘The way I was treated was very unfair’. It is easy to dwell on the negatives, but I think it is better to gear one’s thinking in a positive direction, as most other reactions get you nowhere and perhaps even in trouble.

How can you do this?  It starts by how you frame the situation. Admit it if you made a mistake and are largely at fault.  Laugh at yourself, as there likely was some humour in your predicament.  Don’t awfulize and generalize that the result is now the new normal.  Don’t take it too personally.  Don’t give rejection too much authority. Acknowledge that blaming others is self-defeating and usually not the full picture. An interesting anecdote is that if you criticize others less, you will experience less trauma when you let yourself down.

Disappointments are opportunities to re-visit the WHY and HOW behind the event. Try re-framing failures as an unexpected result which can be avoided in the future.  At least you were trying!  A life without regular setbacks and disappointments is boring and uneventful.  If you don’t make mistakes it suggests you are in a rather fixed and comfortable place, but you may be stagnating and failing to grow in maturity because you avoid risks.

Learning from your smaller mistakes can encourage you to make better decisions in the future.  I often set up small experiments to see how something works.  I imagine a result and see if it occurs and when it doesn’t, it is a wonderful “science” moment to set up another trial-and-error exercise and figure out the puzzle.

Remember that successful people may have succeeded far more often than the ordinary person, but they’ve also failed far more often too!  Thomas Edison is remembered for the experiments that succeeded, but we forget how many time his experiments failed before he got there.

Asking, “What have I learned?” often and sincerely, like gratitude, is a useful tool to aid our well-being.

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*:  Some of these ideas came from: Legendary Self-Discipline: Lessons from Mythology and Modern Heroes by Peter Hollins

DESSERTS

Last week, I visited a quaint bakery which had a wonderful and inspiring sign on the wall:

DESSERTS is STRESSED spelt backwards.

Just what I needed to see and do.  I don’t know about you, but I am getting Covid fatigue. Putting a wellness spin on these troubling times is beginning to wear thin and at times hollowing out.  I know it is okay to not be okay, but that doesn’t make being mindful and hopeful easy, pleasurable or purposeful.

This simple suggestion has become my quiet mantra as I must intentionally and mindfully re-frame these sterile and stressed times to keep my spirits up.  When I find my feels becoming challenged and negative, I remind myself of the DESSERTS versus STRESSED trade-off. 

I consciously ask questions such as: Where is the silver lining in my circumstances?  Where can I find stories with happy endings and exalt the positive aspects of our times? How can I frame my situation to encourage a hopeful, constructive outcome?  How much of my imagined situation is awfulizing and ruminating self-talk? What news articles or outlets should I avoid?  How can I neutralize the stress? Where is the dessert (peace and contentment)?

We have been in Covid lockdown mode for at least five months and there is more to come unfortunately.  What is your Covid mental health survival strategy?  What triggers and reminders do you need to activate  protect yourself against the gloom?

When you feel you are becoming stressed, think about desserts and frame your moment so it is sweeter and better.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

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YOUR EXPLANATORY STYLE

Imagine the scene: something noteworthy happens to you, evoking an emotional reaction, and later that day you describe the event to a friend.  The way you explain this event goes a long way to summarizing your state of well-being, and how you view your circumstances in terms of being an optimist or pessimist.

One way of looking at optimism and pessimism is as different explanatory styles. An explanatory style means the way we explain our experiences or the events which happen to us. Research has found that optimists and pessimists have different explanatory styles. Optimists attribute the cause of NEGATIVE events and experiences to external, specific,  and transient factors.  Pessimists do the opposite; they attribute the cause of bad events to internal, global and permanent factors. Interestingly, these positions are reversed when we explain POSITIVE events and experiences. Optimists think about good outcomes as being personal, permanent, and pervasive, whereas pessimists think the opposite (external, specific, and transient).*

But is this the end of the story for a pessimist? No!

Intentionally, you can challenge your pessimistic summary of events and experiences by changing one’s explanatory style.  One highly effective way of becoming more optimistic is to monitor your explanatory style and challenge the negative explanations you make. Psychologists call this disputing.  

It may sound pompous or naïve that when something wonderful occurs you take credit for it and presume it to be the new normal.  Or when things go poorly, to assume that is it not your fault and an exception.  But would you rather assume it is your fault, pervasive and permanent? That is usually not the whole picture and anymore truthful either. 

Dare to be intentionally hopeful, modestly proud, and grateful for your blessings.  Let go of ruminating about life’s missteps and taking them personally, assuming they will persist.  Being an optimist won’t necessarily change your life, but it will significantly improve how you experience your life. And isn’t that one of the goals of improved well-being.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

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*: A Practical Guide to Positive Psychology: Achieve Lasting Happiness, Bridget Grenville-Cleave

YOUR FUTURE SELF

Everyone has a present and a future self. Your present self is how you see yourself in your own mind, today, as you are.  Your future self is the person you may imagine yourself to be in the future. Take a look at this future self:  How is this self the same or different from your present self?  Are you happier? Have you learned new skills? Are you kinder? A better partner? Are you healthier? Do you relate to this future self or are they so far removed from your present self that they are really a stranger? Is it a realistic prediction of who you could become, or is it more like a fantasy?

Hal Ersnere-Hershfield from UCLA has extensively researched how our present and future selves influence our long-term well-being.  Your future self significantly affects the trade-offs you make between your present and future circumstances.  He suggests that the less you actively contemplate the correlation between your present and future self, the greater the disconnect between the two will be, and the more your future self will be a fantasy figure.  Deferring gratification and strengthening your willpower are all about making your future self a better version of your present self.

Take for example, the issues of saving for retirement,  future education, fidelity, or healthier lifestyles.  The more you are mindful of the long term consequences of your immediate actions and how they could compromise or improve your future outcomes, the more these will be part of the trade-offs you make between the present moment and your future well-being.  Ersnere-Hershfield noted that those with strongly developed pictures of their future selves were better they at saving for retirement, managing  credit card debt, acting ethically and being purposely inclined.  He suggested that being dis-connected with one’s future self seemed to give one permission to ignore the consequences of one’s actions.*

Kelly McGonigal suggests three interesting ways to improve your awareness and accountability to your future self.  

1. Create a Future Memory. Imagining the future helps people delay gratification. You do not even need to think about the future rewards of delaying gratification – just thinking about the future seems to work.  When you picture the future, the brain begins to think more concretely and immediately about the consequences of your present choices. The more real and vivid the future feels, the more likely you are to decide in favour of things that your future self won’t regret.

2. Send an Email Message to Your Future Self.  Go to: www.FutureMe.org  and write an email that will be sent to you at a specified future date.  Describe to your future self what you are going to do now to help yourself meet your long-term goals. What are your hopes for your future self? What do you think you will be like? You can also imagine your future self looking back on your present self. What would your future self thank you for, if you were able to commit to it today? 

3. Imagine Your Future Self. Studies show that imagining your future self can increase your present self’s willpower. Can you imagine a hoped-for future self who is committed to the change, and reaping the benefits? Or a future self suffering the consequences of not changing? Let yourself daydream in vivid detail, imagining how you will feel, how you will look, and what pride, gratitude, or regret you will have for your past self’s choices. **

Your future self can be your best friend if you empower it to be your guiding light and inspiration for a wonderful future.

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

*: Future self-continuity: How conceptions of the future self transform intertemporal choice, Hershfield, H.E. (2011).

**: Maximum Willpower: How to master the new science of self-control, Kelly McGonigal

DESIRE AND DOPAMINE

Desire is an essential emotion: without it we would not bother eating, breeding or get out of bed.   Desire occurs when the brain senses something that it craves and imagines it will bring the immediate reward of pleasure, or the cessation of pain or discomfort.  The mind then releases a neurotransmitter called dopamine, and we feel a flash of excitement and arousal.  Dopamine suggests to us a possible reward and encourages us to pursue it.

So far so good.  Then we often get our wires crossed, as we confuse the process of being rewarded with the actual pleasure of the reward.  Dopamine does not bring satisfaction, pleasure or liking; rather it just engages us in action or consumption.  For example, we read words like SALES, FREE, HEALTHY, LOW CALORIE, WIN, FASTER, DISCOUNT, SEXY and dopamine immediately kicks into action, and craving sets in.  Before we know it, we have bought or did whatever, but often we feel no better (and perhaps disappointed that we gave in). The desire triggered dopamine and hijacked our attention, until we became fixated on obtaining or repeating whatever it triggered.  We imagined that this action would bring pleasure, but sometimes it only brought regret or guilt.  We confused the desire with an improved state of being and were disappointed.

Evolution doesn’t give a damn about happiness itself, but will use the promise of happiness to keep us struggling to stay alive. And so the promise of happiness – not the direct experience of happiness – is the brain’s strategy to keep you hunting, gathering, working and wooing. We humans find it nearly impossible to distinguish the promise of reward from whatever pleasure or payoff we are seeking. The promise of reward is so powerful that we continue to pursue things that don’t make us happy, and consume things that bring us more misery than satisfaction. Because the pursuit of reward is dopamine’s main goal, it is never going to give you a “stop” signal – even when the experience does not live up to the promise.*

To manage our desire/dopamine urges we need to exercise self-control. 

We need to separate the real rewards that give our lives meaning from the false rewards that keep us distracted and addicted. We need to distinguish wanting from happiness. Learning to make this distinction may be the best we can do. *

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*: Maximum Willpower: How to master the new science of self-control by Kelly McGonigah

CELLS THAT FIRE TOGETHER, WIRE TOGETHER

Our brain is quite the awesome organ.  Who we are, what we do, how we think and feel, and pretty much everything else about us is largely determined and conditioned by our brain!  A big part of our wellness challenge is to make our brain our friend and ally.  Some scientific findings about the wiring of our brain are especially encouraging, as they can help us appreciate how much positive scope there is to intentionally change our present and future self.

The idea of brain cells firing and wiring together originated in 1949 when Donald Hebb coined the phrase.  Hebb suggested that the brain has neurons that electrically and physically wire together to allow for learning, memories, habits, and new behaviours.  Brain imaging later confirmed his conclusion.  When we learn, neurons form new connections which capture that learning,  Remembering occurs when we deliberately sustain these new connections.  Memories revisit these connections.  Enhanced understanding is when we network these connections into more complex clusters.  Habits are patterns of connections which fire together without our mindful attention.  Changing our behaviour means we must deliberately dis-connect existing wiring and re-program our mind to form new networks of responses to a given situation.  I am sure you have had the experience where suddenly “the light goes on” and something makes better sense; well that involves a lots of cells networking together and producing your own long term understanding of something: its hardwired into your brain.

One amazing discovery of this brain science is that we can intentionally wire or re-wire our brains to better become the person we want to be.  Remember, 40% of who we are is determined by our intentional thoughts** so we can change and re-frame how we experience and perceive our circumstances.   

I have discovered since learning about this cell wiring that I can encourage it and almost feel the circuitry occurring in my mind.  If you  know what you are trying to do with changing your behaviour it is wonderful to imagine what is going on within the wires of your mind.

An absolutely fascinating video which explores this topic can be found by following this link, well worth the 6 minutes and 11 seconds: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9K6GDBnByk

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*:  Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change, Sonja Lyubomirsky, Kennon M. Sheldon, David Schkade, Review of General Psychology 9(2):111-131 · June 2005

PAUSE AND PLAN

Hard wired into our psych is the “fight or flight” reflex. 

This reflex is an almost instantaneous physiological response to a threatening challenge. What happens? The amygdala portion of our brain shuts down most of our bodily functions.  Instead a flood of  adrenaline and extra oxygen goes to vital muscles, so that we are materially stronger and quicker than normal.  Our senses are on high alert.  Simultaneously, our alarm system also shuts down our prefrontal cortex (the hippocampus), that portion of our brain which is inclined to reflecting, pondering, and thinking. 

We are almost 100% impulsive and 0% thoughtful.  This is a good idea when confronted with an imminent life-threatening danger. The problem is that the fight or flight reaction is a little trigger happy.  It is not especially discerning about whether the “risk” is real or imagined, serious or minor.  So how can our amygdala be better managed? 

Suzanne Segerstrom, a psychologist at the University of Kentucky studied this challenge and called it the pause and plan response. It all about self-control and willpower.  She noted:

The pause-and-plan response differs in one very crucial way: it starts with the perception of an internal conflict, not an external threat. You want to do one thing (smoke a cigarette, eat more at lunch), but know you should not. Or you know you should do something (submit your tax return, go to the gym), but you would rather do nothing. This internal conflict is its own kind of threat: your instincts are pushing you toward a potentially bad decision. What is needed, therefore, is protection of yourself by yourself. This is what self-control is all about. The most helpful response will be to slow you down, not speed you up (as a fight-or-flight response does). And this is precisely what the pause-and-plan response does. The perception of an internal conflict triggers changes in the brain and body that help you slow down and control your impulses.*

So, what is the take-away?  The next time you feel an urge to do something that may not enhance your well-being, pause and plan rather than go on automatic pilot.  Focus on whether your action (or inaction) conflicts with your better instincts and longer-term purposes.  Just by a slight shifting of our attention, half the battle is won, and you can empower your hippocampus to do its job.  In the longer run you will be better person because you paused and planned.

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Maximum Willpower: How to Master the New Science of Self-Control by Kelly McGonigal

OPTIMAL OPTIMIST

Albert Einstein noted:

I’d rather be an optimist and a fool than a pessimist and right.

I know I am also an extremely optimistic person.  The notion of having a Smaller Cup and being satisfied is helpful to me. It is a tool to aid me to view my life through a promising, hopeful lens.

Some people are perfectionists - things can always be better and they are forever striving for the ideal.  Others are optimalists - setting high standards and goals but letting go of ‘perfection’.   Do you only want the very best or are you satisfied with BETTER, and prepared to let go of BEST? 

An optimal optimist lets go of the perfect and is pleased to get a sunny day with a few clouds.  A perfection optimist would be fooled into believing this was not good enough.  A perfection pessimist would speculate when the heavy rains would start, tomorrow or next week, and rain on their own parade.

Occasionally my hopes are disappointed, but by not setting my goals too high I find that by and large things go okay or even well!  How often are the pessimist’s predictions realized?  I suspect their forecasts are generally too negative, and they spend much of the time realizing that their worries have come to nothing. In the meantime, they have spent their day absorbed in negative emotions.

At the end of the day, is it about looking foolish, or being in a state of well-being?  It very much depends on how you do your own spin doctoring of your present and future moments.  Look at Tal Ben-Shahar’s definitions of perfectionists and optimalists:

Perfectionists pay an extremely high emotional price for rejecting reality.  Their rejection of real-world limits and constraints leads them to set unreasonable and unattainable standards for success, and because they can rarely meet these standards, they are constantly plagued by feelings of frustration and inadequacy.

Optimalists, on the other hand, derive great emotional benefit, and are able to lead rich and fulfilling lives, by accepting reality. Because they accept failure as natural—even if naturally they do not enjoy failing—they experience less performance anxiety and derive more enjoyment from their activities. "*

Which would you rather be? Being an optimalist that sets limits on their optimism is the best of all worlds, occasionally a fool, but generally in a joyful state of nature.

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*: “Even Happier: A Gratitude Journal for Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment" by Tal Ben-Shahar

SELF-DISCIPLINE*

I cannot imagine a career that does not have annoying aspects, which we find disdainful.  For instance, the Rolling Stones love playing live, but they dislike touring about.  Even the most fortunate and wonderful job has its Achilles heel.  And it is those  negative aspects that can make or break you.

I can attest that in education I have never heard anyone suggest for even a moment that they enjoy marking, but it must be done. And how most of my colleagues delayed and dreaded the grading ordeal! However, I managed to get my marking done quickly and less painfully using self-discipline to make the task more bearable.  What I did for the marking process is transferable to whatever aspect of your job you must regularly do, and especially dislike and procrastinate over.

An essential first step is to plan and design the exam to avoid the mis-steps and reduce the annoying aspects of the subsequent marking.  I focused on maximum efficiency and effectiveness by carefully engineering the exam so subsequent marking was easier and quicker.  As it is wisely said, a  stitch in time saves nine.

Next comes setting goals to motivate and monitor my progress.  These goals MUST BE: small, easily measurable, sequential, frequently achieved and not overly ambitious.  These baby step goals are fundamental and ensure that I regularly experience the joy of successfully completing something. 

Further, as the goals can be measured, I can monitor my progress and that I am getting closer to completion.  I schedule celebrating my micro-completion progress with time outs and rewards. I might swap my focus to a part of the marking project that is essential but agrees with me more as a time out.  Being able to benchmark my progress is motivating and I notice that my endurance improves once I am nearer completion and I can sprint to the finish once it is in sight. Rather than fighting with and procrastinating over the marking project, I must trick my mind and willpower to cooperate and collaborate with each other.  

For me, self-discipline means I must regularly experience pleasure, a sense of achievement and then reward myself for a job well done. This discipline certainly made my overall job satisfaction much higher. 

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*:  Whereas I used this process for years, it was consoling that the following book scientifically supported my process:  "Neuro-Discipline: Everyday Neuroscience for Self-Discipline, Focus, and Defeating Your Brain’s Impulsive and Distracted Nature" by Peter Hollins

PROCRASTINATION

Being recently retired and having an abundance of time, I often find myself procrastinating far too much.  Add to this three month of lockdown and it is especially disappointing how little I can achieve in a day (or week).  This is affecting my sense of well-being.  Perhaps you can relate to my lethargy.   

Not surprisingly, there is lots of advice out there about how to be more productive and overcome waning self-determination.  Being a numbers person, I especially liked these two strategies to up my game:

The first strategy is “The 5 Second Rule”* popularized by Mel Robbins.  This simple rule is that when you have an impulse to do something, you have five seconds to act upon the urge before your sub-conscious highjacks your plan and you start to delay. Before you know it, nothing happens.  Whether it is getting out of bed and not hitting the snooze (for the second or third time), sending that email or completing that task the strategy is to Count backwards five, four, three, two, one, GO (or before) and act.  Don’t hesitate and start coming up with excuses to delay.

The second suggestion is called the 10-10-10 rule.**  The next time you are procrastinating, ask yourself how you will feel in 10 minutes, 10 hours and 10 days if you do (or don’t do) whatever it is you are stalling on.  At the very least, if you do something that nagging feeling will be gone, and more likely that step in the right direction will make you day better.

The reason both these strategies work is because the brain has three imperatives (that we must defeat):

-         The brain is locked in an epic battle with itself, between the instinct for the quickest reaction (emotion) and the most optimal reaction (logic).

-         The brain wants as much pleasure as possible, as fast as possible; an absence of pain and discomfort will also do in most cases. Speed is of the essence for the brain.

-         The brain never wants to sacrifice anything pleasurable. **

To be more productive we must slow the brain down, add logic and reason to the situation and sacrifice immediate pleasure for greater purpose later.  Put another way, we must trick the brain into believing the future will be bigger and better than our natural instincts assume. Or follow the Nike suggestion, and JUST DO IT!!

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*:  "The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage" by Mel Robbins 

**:  "Neuro-Discipline: Everyday Neuroscience for Self-Discipline, Focus, and Defeating Your Brain’s Impulsive and Distracted Nature" by Peter Hollins

PHYSICAL DISTANCING

To me, somewhere along the way, the Covid safety message got lost in translation.  Keeping physical space between households was a wise strategy, but when this became known as ‘social distancing’ something tragic started to happen to our wellbeing and the wellness of others.  Before you knew it, there was a sense of suspicion of others that was emotionally unhelpful. If I may quote the epidemiologist Michael Osterholm:

“I categorically reject the concept of social distancing. It’s physical distancing. I hope we never social distance, ever.”*

What are we told to do when we think we might be in danger from others? Self-isolate!  But wouldn’t something like self-distancing sound kinder and more inclusive? Isn’t the temptation there to feel we are some sort of pariah, and to cut ourselves off from others socially and emotionally too?

Please be clear I do not disagree with the advice of creating space between us, but rather how it is phrased.  Words matter.  Often when I walk about physically separated, I feel that there is an undercurrent of anti-social anger and suspicion brewing amongst some.  Distrust your neighbour, look out for yourself - that person may be dangerous! These views come with so much anxiety and tension attached to them.  A grand strategy for physical health maybe, but extremely unhelpful for mental health and wellbeing.

Covid-19 is a most unfortunate reality.  However, too much focus on the illness and too little focus on wellness leads to increased anxiety, reduced mental health and unleashing an uncomfortable new normal.  Humans by design are social creatures.  We should be doing everything in our power to ensure we have as much contact with others as we can, without that including unlawful physical contact. ALL studies on wellness consider social engagement as an essential ingredient to improved wellbeing and flourishing.

Physical distancing is a respectful, kind and non-judgemental response to our current situation.  Please purge the term SOCIAL DISTANCING from your vocabulary and replace it with the more humane term PHYSICAL DISTANCING.  And increase your social rapport to overcome the remaining distance between us.

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*:  COVID-19: Straight Answers from Top Epidemiologist Who Predicted the Pandemic, by Dan Buettner, Blue Zones, June 6, 2020. Please follow this link for an excellent science based discussion of  Covid-19: https://shar.es/aHLAoO

AMYGDALA or HIPPOCAMPUS?*

The more I research well-being, the more interested I become in neuroscience. It suggests that parts of our brain have an important role in maintaining our well-being.

Neuroscience has found that there are two lobes in the frontal cortex that are designed to manage our fight-or-flight, fast thinking instinct.  The dominant one is the amygdala. This is where memories of anxious or dangerous experiences from your formative years are stored.  It acts as an early warning system:  if the current moment resembles this past memory, it is time to react quickly and instinctively.  The amygdala’s role (especially 100,000 years ago) was to  ensure we reacted quickly to impending danger: better safe than sorry was its mantra.  Unfortunately, the amygdala has not had its software updated since 100,000 BC. Therefore, it is less suited for our relatively safe 2020 AD.  Steve Peters might describe the amygdala as the ‘chimp in our Chimp Paradox’, a wary friend or foe that requires constant monitoring.

The hippocampus is a more recent addition (10,000 BC) to our brain’s artillery.  Its role is to slowly and logically size-up a situation, aiming to find a rational response to whatever confronts us.  The hippocampus also stores memories, including positive ones, and more thoughtful and complex memories of challenging situations. Rather than reacting instantly, the hippocampus ponders the moment and frames it in a more balanced manner.  However, the highly emotional amygdala reacts six times faster than its slower, logical hippocampus.

“So what?” you reasonably ask. Well,  our brain can be re-programmed because of its  neuroplastic nature; our minds can be retrained to frame and reframe memories differently. 

"Reframing, as defined in the textbook ‘Contemporary Behaviour Therapy’ is the cognitive restructuring of maladaptive thinking processes and substituting those for more workable cognitions. Cognitive restructuring therapy maintains that people construct their realities based on what is important, meaningful, and real to them. In other words, the interpretations you assign to an event, rather than the actual event itself, determines its effect on your emotions. Reframing will allow you to reconstruct your thoughts, in order to view circumstances from a new perspective, thus leading you to feel more positive about that same circumstance and, therefore, to feel less fear or stress."#

Simply put, your overactive and emotional amygdala can be tamed by reframing your more challenging moments: you can give your hippocampus a chance to get involved.  Rather than fight or flight, there is a reframing of the moment as you pause and add some rational thinking in to the mix.  Your hippocampus can be habitually retrained to be a bit more assertive.

Please be kind, patient and thoughtful to your partner and others.

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*:  Some of the insights from this reflection come from either:

#: Reframe Your Viewpoints: How to Gradually Redirect Anxiety Energy to Unlock Confidence by Virginia Ritterbusch

The Chimp Paradox: The Acclaimed Mind Management Programme to Help You Achieve Success, Confidence and Happiness by Steve Peters

Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman

IF YOU GIVE YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE *

‘No one has ever become poor by giving’ : Anne Frank

It is extremely easy to be overwhelmed in the face of Covid-19 and the challenges it presents us with.  A useful antidote to this situation is to be charitable.  Giving to others is putting gratitude into action, and it allows us to feel that we can be of some use in these times.

Both the quote by Anne Frank and the Chinese proverb quoted above capture a wonderful quality of giving. When you give, you seem to end up with more than you had before.  Willingly and joyfully giving miraculously seems to BLESS you with more than you gave up.  There is no other word but BLESS to describe this awesome synergy.

Many have noted that in response to the Covid crisis spontaneous random acts of kindness and giving are occurring because of the (almost) unique human quality of altruism.  Being selfless or other-minded significantly improves our sense of well-being and helps the community we live in.

There are three different forms of giving, all beginning with the letter “T”.  One can give of one’s Time, Talent or Treasure.  Whereas financial assistance is appreciated, giving of your time or talent is especially effective as it engages more of your intentional energy and being. This charity is especially rewarding.

As the lock-down constraints are reduced, there is expected to emerge a profound mental health challenge.  The economic and employment disruptions will require governments and citizens to re-visit their willingness and ability to give to and share in the burdens of the pandemic victims.

If you are fortunate and not materially disadvantaged by this new-normal, please re-define your giving agenda.  Make giving while you are living a larger priority.  And explore the time and talent opportunities of your donation plan.  You will become richer and more blessed as you give.

Please be kind, patient and thoughtful to your partner and others.

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*: A Chinese proverb brought to my attention by Miguel Mayher

EXPERIMENTING AND FAILING

There is a common view that “If it isn’t broke, don’t fix it”.  This is a safe and convenient strategy, but one that doesn’t work well for me.  How about this a corollary, “If it isn’t broken, break it.”  When I see something functioning properly it instinctively encourages me to wonder why and how this is so.  What curious quirk or feature is this application taking advantage of?  Why does this work so well, and where else could this idea be applied?

Thomas Edison noted, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” 

Albert Einstein similarly stated, “Make mistakes.  A person who never made a mistake never did anything new.” 

There is no shortage of famous people who talk about how experimenting with life was the key to their success.

Breaking things to see if they can be made better is all about experimenting and failure and learning.  Mixing a cocktail of HOW, WHY, FAILURE and WONDER into our daily routines is actively being in the present moment.  Examining the sequence of steps to do a task and challenging them in terms of whether each one is essential, could be re-ordered or re- arranged can lead to enlightenment.  If it does not work, you learned something and may have to break it differently. Curiously, as you carefully examine the task, not only can you improve its efficiency, but a sense of ownership can increase.

If you look at the lives of successful people or listen to their sage advice, almost without exception they talk about their failures, setbacks and disappointments.  But they keep on experimenting and learning from their mistakes.  They kept on setting challenging but attainable goals and expect failures along the way. Failing makes success sweeter.  Whether the experiment works or not, these are both occasions for awe if you allow for learning and growth.

Go and break, or at least tinker with, one of your rituals, and experiment with how you might make it new and different.

 Please be kind, patient and thoughtful to your partner and others.

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TELESCOPE OR MICROSCOPE?

Are you viewing life through a telescope of wonder and promise?  Or are you viewing life through a microscope of what is missing and remiss?  Are you looking upwards with awe and amazement or looking inward with disappointment and longing? 

When I look upwards, whether at the moon, clouds, blue sky or that distant hill it usually inspires me about the awesomeness of my surroundings and good fortune.  Pleasure and joy are the more frequent emotions.  When I look forward, I do see beauty but also walls, traffic, and other obstacles. I feel grounded and grateful for my bounty. When I look down, I too often see litter, cracks in the sidewalk and don’t feel especially positive.  And when I start looking inward what I see too often is what is missing, not what is there.

It is essential to be mindful of your circumstances and challenges, and to have compassion for those that are less blessed. These microscopic perspectives on your present moment keep you grounded and real.  But does this depict the present moment as an opportunity full of promise or just more of the same-old same-old?  Being introspective or retrospective limits the possible perspective of looking upward at a richer now.

Telescoping upward in your present moment opens wonder.  Have you ever looked at the moon on a clear night, or a view of a distant mountain, or a seascape and felt disappointment?  Yet when you microscope inward do your spirits generally improve?  Yes, please ponder who you are, where you are at and mystery of life.  But spend at least as much time looking up at all the beauty around and above you.

Given a choice of whether to use a microscope or a telescope to look for what is and isn’t there, give me the telescope any time.  What is beyond is infinite and limitless, whereas what is within is finite and limited. Do spend more time looking upwards: there is a lot out there that is outside our imaginations.

  Please be kind, patient and thoughtful to your partner and others.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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The If and When Myth

“I will be happy IF” … “I will be happy WHEN” doesn’t work or happen.  You get the desired outcome, have elevated spirits for a few weeks, months or at best a few years and then you are right back to where you were earlier. 

This natural occurrence of returning to your natural set point of wellness is called the hedonistic treadmill or hedonistic adaption.  We are like the hamster on the treadmill running quickly but getting nowhere, stuck. Changes in circumstance have a short term pay-off and then this new situation becomes the new normal.  The adaption makes you inclined to aspire for new achievements which then undermines the joy of the current achievement.  And then comparison sets in, and we see others with more or better or newer rewards and we are back to square one.

For me, appreciating and observing this adaption process countless times tamed the shopper in me and changed me.  Now I savour a few very special and thoughtful gifts, experiences or purchases and regularly just pause to be so grateful for those blessings. A multi-function travel watch, blue tooth headphones that meet my unique needs, Bolivia, colourful sandals that can go anywhere; these are special things that ring my well-being bell.

Experiment with your IF and WHEN expectations for well-being.  How long did your joy persist? Have you already replaced that desire with a new or more lavish wish?  If that IF or WHEN had not happened, would you really be any less pleased?

Letting go of IF and WHEN is most liberating as it puts one into the present moment where there is no IF or WHEN, only now.  Not wanting or waiting for something to happen to be achieved or owned means you have enough, and perhaps even a surplus.  Practice savouring things with serenity, re-thanking others for their awesome gifts, or remembering/sharing those powerful memories and milestones but again.  Sure, it is fine to want an IF or WHEN once in the while, but not always or to the determinant of what you already are blessed with.  Wonderfully, gratitude will improve your spirits and defeat the treadmill. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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For further reading, if you are interested just Google “Hedonistic treadmill”]; there is no shortage of sources for further insights here.

MOVING FROM SUCCESS TO SIGNIFICANCE

Alan Watts made a very pertinent observation, being

“No valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now.”

Well said. Many people during their working life imagine that at retirement everything will suddenly become uplifting and awesome.  As a result, they often under-utilize or under-appreciate their pre-retirement life.  Others put their life on hold (especially while raising their children), believing or hoping that something amazing is going to occur at retirement, and then pleasure and purpose will be released.

Bob Buford wrote an insightful book on how to approach retirement called Halftime, Moving from Success to Significance. Bob’s underlying premise is that a satisfying retirement is about finding a purpose that speaks to you and dedicating yourself to that objective, preferable before retirement. He noted that much of the first half of your life and career is about seeking success and achievement.  However, those milestones and successes lose their glory and motivating rewards.   Without a sense of significance, success can become hollow.   Peter Drucker noted that: “Efficiency is doing things right. Effectiveness is doing the right things.” 

Taking Alan’s, Bob’s, and Peter’s observations collectively, there is one common theme.  The sooner one finds a purpose, something that really speaks to you in the present moment, the sooner a more purposeful life, living, and wellness can begin.  Three of the five parts of the PERMA wellness framework relate to this idea.  Engagement, meaning and achievement all contribute to improved wellness and can be synergized by an increased sense of life being lived for a purpose. Please note, this purpose likely is not career or employment related, but may utilize some of your work skills, but in unique and curious ways.

Live in the now with a sense of purpose. This will launch your mission to be purposeful well before you retire, making your pre and post retirement life better.  And better still, if that purpose agenda really comes to life, being employed, and retired can occur at the same time. 

Please be kind, patient and thoughtful to your partner and others.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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BEYOND EMOTIONAL WELLNESS

I tend to write a lot about positive emotions, but there is more to well-being than this.  The godfather of positive psychology (Martin Seligman) coined the acronym PERMA to describe wellbeing.  The five parts of the wellness riddle are: Positive emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Achievement. 

Indeed, feeling wonderful is great.  Fortunately, there is more to being well and flourishing than a smile.  These other dimensions are described as:

Engagement:  An experience in which we fully deploy our skills, strengths, and attention in a challenging task.  When fully engaged we are “in the flow” and we forget time and everything around us.

Relationships: Connections to others that brings purpose and meaning to our life.

Meaning: a sense of purpose derived from belonging to and serving something bigger than ourselves.

Accomplishment: Pursuing achievement, competence, success and mastery for its own sake, in a variety of domains, including workplace, sports, games, hobbies, etc. **

The reason I mention the larger domain of PERMA is to encourage you to look beyond your emotions and seek out opportunities to flourish Are there areas in your life where some of these other aspects could be enhanced?  For me, much of my wellness comes from my work.  Through it I have found ways to combine engagement, relationships, meaning and achievement.  What a transformation that was!! 

Is there an aspect of your life that you can re-package and re-design into something that gives you more purpose and raison d’etre?  Once this Covid-19 lockdown lightens up, is there a chance to change how you approach your work, relationships, or hobbies? Once you can go out more, how can you round out your PERMA?  I suggest starting with engagement as that gets the process rolling, and it involves your interests and talents.  Use this “slower period” to ask some challenging questions about what you might like to change either now, or soon.

Please be mindfully kind, thoughtful and patient with yourself and others. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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**: "Flourish: A New Understanding of Happiness and Wellbeing: The practical guide to using positive psychology to make you happier and healthier" by Martin Seligman 

CAUSING HOPE

Having too much time to speculate about the present, I keep coming back to feeling hopeful, even as so much seems hopeless and broken. Maybe it is because the UK is experiencing such an awesome Spring, but I don’t think that’s the reason (although it is much appreciated).  All the negative and troubling statistics make me sad for those who are suffering, but I still end up feeling hopeful.

Hope can be defined as a belief or yearning that things can change and be better in the future, especially when the present moment is uncertain or challenged. Feeling motivated to turn things around to benefit yourself and others. #  Doesn’t that feel a lot like today?

What is driving my hopefulness is a deliberate strategy of defying the natural impulse to despair and re-framing the present hopefully.  I know if I follow the despair route, there is no end in sight other than increased hopelessness and anxiety.  My defense is to feel compassion for those suffering from Covid-19, but also to rejoice for those that have recovered.  I admire the front-line workers putting themselves at risk, and|I am out there banging pots weekly to applaud their selflessness.  I praise humanity for our artistic and creative natures.  I re-arrange the daily dose of death from an absolute amount to a deaths-per-million measure (which tells a very different, but much more encouraging story). **   Keeping my social distance, I try to smile and say hello to as many strangers as possible.

The wonderful thing is that these pro-active actions improve my sense of hope. Scientists have found that doing acts of  kindness produces the single most reliable momentary increase in well-being of any exercise they have tested.@  Finally, if you have a spiritual dimension, use it generously to invoke a sense of wonder, awe and promise.

Being hopeful can turn the tide on the overwhelming tsunami of anxiety and despair. We can all long for a better present and tomorrow. My friends, please be kind to yourself and others.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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#: Positivity by Barbara Frederickson

**: Follow this link for more:  https://ourworldindata.org/coronavirus-data

@:  Flourish: A New Understanding of Happiness and Wellbeing by Martin Seligman

THE ESSENTIAL MINERALS OF WELLNESS

Earlier I suggested that hope, serenity and gratitude were outstanding positive emotions or vitamins to counter Covid-19 anxiety. Just as vitamins are required for our physical wellbeing, there are some essential emotional minerals that can spice up this challenging season of life. 

In these tense times, I am actively seeking out or creating moments where I am feeling interested, inspired and awed.  Let’s look at each one:

Interest:  Feeling open and alive.  Your horizons are expanding with new possibilities.  You have a desire to explore, to take in new ideas and learn more.

Inspiration:  Feeling uplifted.  Seeing better possibilities than usual.  A desire to want to express and do what is good.

Awe:   Feeling overwhelmed by greatness.  Experiencing goodness and amazement.

These positive emotions are generally under-utilized, as we are too busy to pause and allow ourselves to feel truly interested, inspired or awed by what is right there in this moment.  It often takes deliberate effort to experience these uplifting emotions, as we must look for something special in the ordinary and usual, letting go of judgemental thinking.  These feeling can also trigger gratitude and serenity which is great bonus.

It may sound corny, but I love those Tom Hanks type feel good movies and absolutely avoid all movies that have unhappy ending or violence.  Especially now, with the almost 24-hour Covid-19 awfulizing news coverage I need to refresh my spirits with uplifting and hopeful possibilities, reducing negative inputs or suggestions.  Why not check out a BBC Nature show, a book where things go well, a Friends episode, your favourite music from yesterday or a tasty treat?  Go back to what works for you, and savour the reassurance, inspiration and awe it rewards you.

Seek out moments that encourage feelings of interest, inspiration or awe. This will spice up your day and improve your spirits.  Improving our resilience needs a diet of positive emotions. 

Please bulk up on interest, inspiration, awe (and hope, gratitude, hope, love, serenity pride and amusement also).

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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