CALMNESS AND CLARITY

One of the goals of mindfulness is to have greater calmness and clarity in one’s life; being positively serene.  The following paragraphs capture the dilemma and challenge of being in a peaceful place.

“Imagine a very still, clear pool of water. The water is quite deep, but very, very clear. Because the water’s so clear you can see absolutely everything at the bottom, making it appear shallow, even though it’s actually very deep. Now imagine sitting by the side of this water and throwing small pebbles into the middle. Start off quite slowly, just throwing them every now and then. You’ll notice that each new pebble creates a ripple on the surface of the water, and that it takes a little while for the water to then settle again. If you then throw another stone in before the water has completely settled, you create a new set of ripples that merges with the last. Now imagine throwing one stone after the next and seeing the entire surface of the water all stirred up at the same time. When the surface of the water looks like this, it’s almost impossible to see anything in the water at all, never mind anything at the bottom.

This image reflects the surface of our minds in many ways. Each new thought, like a pebble being thrown into the water, creates ripples on the surface. We’ve got so used to throwing these pebbles, so used to the disturbance on the surface of the water, that we’ve forgotten what still water looks like. We know it’s not quite right as it is, but it’s as if the more we meddle with the mind trying to sort it out, the more ripples we create. Needless to say, when the mind’s all stirred up like this, it’s almost impossible to see what’s happening and what’s hidden under the surface. Because of this we don’t have any insight into the nature of mind – of how and why we feel the way we do. So, without first calming the mind, it’s very difficult to have any clarity.” *

So how can we increase our calmness and get that essential clarity?  May I suggest through meditation (or prayer).  Perhaps now, with us in various stages of lock down and a surplus of time, might be an excellent time to try out and start a simple meditation practice. 

I found the book (see below) with this quote to be one of the best, pure meditation guide (without the Eastern religion bias).   Seek to be calm - a useful antidote to anxiety and boredom.

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**: The Headspace Guide to... Mindfulness & Meditation: 10 minutes can make all the difference" by Andy Puddicombe

LET’S RE-FRAME OUR PRESENT

NOW is a very anxious time, isn’t it?  Covid-19 is real, dangerous, unsettling and upsetting.  However, at the heart of mindfulness is an awareness that one can change one’s perception of the present.  Mindfulness boldly states that it cannot change your reality, but it can change how you experience your reality.

Staying with Covid-19, one important question is how we frame this threat into our well-being, without being complacent or naïve. How can we be sensibly resilient, without putting others or ourselves at risk? 

I would suggest we need to frame Covid-19 into a balanced and hopeful scenario:  Let’s share the grief of those that have suffered personal loss, but let’s celebrate that there are tens of thousands of uneventful and ignored successful outcomes. (At least 158,688: we do not know the actual numbers, as only the reported cases whereas the most unfortunate outcomes are certain and discussed). Let’s manage the infodemic of sensational media coverage which neglects positive news as it doesn’t sell, and let’s mindfully limit the amount of Covid news coverage we digest daily, as it can numb both our immune system and our perspective.  Let’s seek out distractions that are engaging and that show the positive side of humanity.  Let’s investigate our spiritual side and see if it can provide us with some peace and serenity.  Let’s be generous, kind and charitable to others.  Let’s be grateful for what is going right in our lives.  Let’s express our gratitude and compassion to those we love.  Let’s be entertained with stories that have joyful and optimistic endings. 

Notice all the LET’S do this or that.  That’s mindfulness in action.  By deliberately framing and re-framing our present experience with encouraging and inspiring possibilities, we become more hopeful and our natural resilience grows.   And if your positive emotional reserve is running low, use gratitude and charitable thoughts and actions to refuel your tank.

Remember 40% of our present well-being is determined by intentional thinking, so adjusting our attention about the Covid-19 virus will certainly improve our well-being and spirits.

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ANTI-ANXIETY VITAMINS

These are very anxious and challenging times with the Coronavirus overwhelming our lives, media and mindfulness.  Is there an emotional strategy to improve our spirits?  I would suggest YES.  Just as vitamins are essential organic nutrients that sustain our life and well-being, the ten positive emotions can act as vitamins to improve your psychological wellness.

We are all bound to feel a natural anxiety about the virus.  The presence (or absence) of positive feelings can turn the tide on how you psychologically handle this anxiety. The ten positive emotions are: joy, gratitude, hope, love, serenity, pride, awe, amusement, inspiration, interest.  Please speculate for a moment which you imagine would calm you down.

Three of these positive emotions may help keep you in a better frame of mind. I suggest that hope, serenity and gratitude may help you feel more resilient and less anxious.  These feeling are summarized as:

Hope:  A belief or yearning that things can change and be better in the future, especially when the present moment is uncertain or challenged. Feeling motivated to turn things around to benefit yourself and others.*

Serenity (savouring, at peace):  Low key, personal and private joy; savouring the moment; feeling that things are so right and comfortable.  Perhaps seeking ways to integrate this moment into your life more fully and often. Privately reflect on your prized present moment.*

Gratitude: Appreciating something that has come our way as a gift to be treasured.  It opens your heart and carries the urge to give back – to do something in return.*

Yes, the current situation is challenging but we can be mindfully resilient by being hopeful, peaceful and grateful for what we do have in these troubling times.  However you must be deliberate and mindful when you activate these emotions,  as much of improved wellbeing is intentional, not automatic enhancement of your situation and experience.  And always start with gratitude, as this is the gateway vitamin to wellness and empowers all the other constructive emotions.

Know peace (serenity) and be prayerful in your own way.

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*: Positivity by Barbara Frederickson

MIRROR NEURONS

The British have this wonderful phrase called the “knock on effect” to describe how some chain of event or circumstance can influence later situations.  Our emotional state of mind and actions similarly can have profound positive or negative knock on effects.  And there is science to back up these ripple effects:

Scientists found something called mirror neurons: specialized brain cells that can actually sense and then mimic the feelings, actions, and physical sensations of another person. Let’s say a person is pricked by a needle. The neurons in the pain center of his or her brain will immediately light up, which should come as no surprise. But what is a surprise is that when that same person sees someone else receive a needle prick, this same set of neurons lights up, just as though he himself had been pricked. In other words, he actually feels a hint of the pain of a needle prick, even though he himself hasn’t been touched. 

As we pass through the day, our brains are constantly processing the feelings of the people around us, taking note of the inflection in someone’s voice, the look behind their eyes, the stoop of their shoulders. In fact, the amygdala can read and identify an emotion in another person’s face within 33 milliseconds, and then just as quickly prime us to feel the same.  Once people mimic the physical behaviors tied to these emotions, it causes them to feel the emotion themselves.

Smiling, for instance, tricks your brain into thinking you’re happy, so it starts producing the neurochemicals that actually do make you happy. Scientists call this the facial feedback hypothesis, and it is the basis of the recommendation “fake it till you make it.” While authentic positivity will always trump its faux counterpart, there is significant evidence that changing your behavior first— even your facial expression and posture— can dictate emotional change. *  

So what does this have to do with well-being?  Everything!!  We are both mirroring other’s emotions and actions but can also infuse others with how we are feeling.  Various estimates suggest there are nearly 1,000 people within three degrees of most of us (ignoring Facebook).  We can project our positive emotions and wellness to 1,000 others and improve their lives.  We can be like secondhand smoke and either bring people down or uplift their spirits.

Positive feelings will be mirrored by others and have awesome knock-on effects.   Please pass them on and multiply joy and well-being.

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*:  The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology that Fuel Success and Performance at Work  by Shawn Achor 

PERSPECTIVE

The world seems in chaos and confusion, with all the focus on the coronavirus.  What is going on?  Should I stock up on toilet paper and canned goods?  Have I got it already? Yes, I would rather than the coronavirus was not with us, but it is. 

Is panic or pause the better perspective in these troubling times?

I would suggest that panic is the least suitable response, perhaps only appropriate when things truly go off the rails, and perhaps not helpful even then.

Pause would suggest that we carefully research this challenge and start by defining what “bad”, “out-of-control” or “at personal risk of serious health consequences” means statistically and realistically.  What is the probability out of 100 (10,000?) that YOU are at serious risk of death or debilitation?  Pause encourages us to consider the financial costs to ourselves and others if we start to shut down the economy prematurely to manage this health threat.  I know that many individuals will experience financial ruin (bankruptcy), unemployment, delays in their education progress, family trauma and depression.  Anyone directly or indirectly associated with tourism, the service industry or who is part of an international supply chain is at serious economic peril if premature paranoia occurs.   Yes, there is an uncomfortable trade-off between the health and financial consequences when managing this dilemma, but the consequences of over-reacting will be real and profound.  Pause suggests a measured roll-out of our actions to manage this unfortunate situation. Is a few days of flu a reasonable cost if it prevents the economic/ emotional ruin of a friend or a community?

Perspective comes when we consider just how unique and serious the coronavirus really is.  Worldwide as of 19:17 GMT, March 9th,2020 there were 111,817 coronavirus cases, 3,843 deaths and 62,722 recoveries*.  Not great news, but looking at prior years what can we learn?

An estimated 80,000 Americans died of flu and its complications in the winter of 2018, the disease’s highest death toll in at least four decades. The director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Dr. Robert Redfield, revealed the total in an interview Tuesday night with ‘The Associated Press’. In recent years, flu-related deaths have ranged from about 12,000 to — in the worst year — 56,000, according to the CDC….. The 2018 season peaked in early February. It was mostly over by the end of March, although some flu continued to circulate.@

Consider, is this quote good or bad news (as there were 327.2 million Americans in 2018)?  Are we anywhere near these results? I am not suggesting that you behave recklessly as if there was no risk out there, but to wait cautiously as we learn more.  Perspective suggests looking at the big picture, putting things into some scale as in risk per 1,000, weighing the uncomfortable pros and cons and realizing there are consequences, with over-reaction and pessimism not always the best or timely action. Please remain calm, vigilant, and considerate of others. Be tolerant and don’t stockpile any more toilet paper!

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*: www.Worldometers.info

@: ASSOCIATED PRESS, SEPTEMBER 26, 2018

KINDNESS, PATIENCE, THOUGHTFULNESS

Look carefully at your most prized relationships and ask:  “What is the most essential ingredient in these relationships?”  Yes, love.  But love is a rather vague catch-all word.  How about kindness, patience and thoughtfulness?  Wouldn’t it be awesome if you gave and received these unconditional expressions of love?

As these words are so rich and subjective, I thought it might be useful to look up their definitions in Wikipedia.  And here is what I learned:

Kindness is as the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.

Affection, gentleness, warmth, concern, and care are words that are associated with kindness.  

Patience is a person's ability to wait something out or endure something tedious, without getting riled up.

Thoughtfulness is showing consideration for others; considerate, being mindful or heedful of the well-being of others.

Your relationships would likely appreciate extra dosages of kindness, patience and thoughtfulness, but how do you make that happen?  Start by consciously putting in these same ingredients.  When matters get harried, consider which would be the best medicine, or ponder whether there is tension because they are lacking.  When everything is going well, observe how mindfully upping the amount of kindness, patience and/or thoughtfulness makes that moment even better.  Also, be alert to when you receive these responses from others and note how it improves your relationship.

Once you have done several proactive experiments with these emotions, share what you have learned with your partner or friends.  Encourage them to be open to using kindness, patience and thoughtfulness to show and receive affection.

Mindfully giving and receiving kindness, patience and thoughtfulness certainly improves any relationship.  Do some experimenting and see what happens.  Nothing to lose, and everything to gain!

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THE CONFIRMATION BIAS

There is too much disagreement, anger and division.  Whether it is Brexit, Donald Trump or climate change, there are such polarized and uncompromising views.  I am right and you are wrong; I am wise and you are foolish and I can prove it.  See, this is what I just read!

Psychologists and economists note that people have a strong and natural inclination to seek out information that confirms their views and dismiss information that contradicts their opinion.   They call it the confirmation bias.  The confirmation bias is the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms or strengthens one's prior personal beliefs or hypotheses, and overlooks or trivializes whatever contradicts that opinion.  We feel we are right and the evidence supports our conclusion.  The only problem is that someone else holds exactly the opposite view, and was also able to find supporting evidence to support their contrary view. 

This isn’t about fake news, propaganda or mis-truths.  Rather, there are thirty or more facts or half-truths out there and each side’s media picks and chooses those ten facts that suit their narrative and subscribers’ views.  No one wins and the debate gets more heated.  Each side becomes more polarized and refuses to listen or entertain the other’s perspective.  The divisions multiply and actual debate or resolution becomes more difficult and in fact unwelcome.  The only solution seems to be for the other side to admit defeat and repent.

Sounds rather hopeless, but is this not a realistic summary of the views on most complex matters?  Is there a solution?  YES!!

I suggest that to start, one should respectfully listen to those opinions which are contrary to yours and acknowledge that some of their points have merit.  Read media that promotes views that are different from your own so you can appreciate where that other perspective is coming from.   Accept the fact that your view has some negative or problematic features. The hallmark of true and functioning democracy is tolerance, please exercise and be tolerant when differences emerge.  Finally, if you strongly disagree with someone’s’ opinion, that does not mean that person is a bad person.  Branding others with labels like enemy, evil, ignorant or the like because you disagree with them is neither helpful, fair nor kind.

By definition complex issues very rarely have 100% “correct or ideal” solutions.  The reason they are complex is because the trade-off required to resolve these matters is not black and white, but grey.  The ultimate solution is likely in a tight range between 50%   +/-   10%, and you largely agree on most of the aspects of the issue, it is just that in the final balance and solution you may differ with others.

Please let our differences be governed by tolerance, patience, civility, open-mindedness and compassion.  Please lighten up on your confirmation bias.

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CHARACTER STRENGTHS

We all have skills and abilities, but equally we have personality strengths (and weaknesses). We have traits that are hard wired into who we are and affect how we behave unconsciously. These inclinations suggest how we are emotionally pre-disposed to experience the NOW.  Knowing what you are naturally inclined to do is most helpful in promoting well-being and positivity.

"Even more fulfilling than using a skill, though, is exercising a strength of character, a trait that is deeply embedded in who we are. A team of psychologists recently catalogued the 24 cross-cultural character strengths that most contribute to human flourishing. Examples of these strengths included honesty, kindness, hope prudence, etc.   They then developed a comprehensive survey that identifies an individual’s top five, or “signature,” strengths. When 577 volunteers were encouraged to pick one of their signature strengths and use it in a new way each day for a week, they became significantly happier and less depressed than control groups. And these benefits lasted: even after the experiment was over, their levels of happiness remained heightened a full six months later. Studies have shown that the more you use your signature strengths in daily life, the happier you become."

Normally, I am not inclined to suggest you take a personal survey, but I would recommend this one.  To learn what’s in your own top five character strengths follow the link:   www.viasurvey.org and take the free survey.  There will be no annoying follow-up notices and no obligation to pay.  I have taken the survey twice and have found it insightful, as some of my core strengths were re-prioritized as I became more interested in understanding well-being.  Equally informative were my character weaknesses. Being mindful of where I am wanting is helpful in my personal relationships. Knowing your strengths is also insightful in term of career goals, and finding links between your emotional inclinations and your employment prospects.

Key well-being (and career advice) I endorse is “Go with your strengths (and manage your weaknesses).”  Getting a little objective advice on your pluses and minuses is useful and the “survey” takes less than 10 minutes.

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*: "The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology that Fuel Success and Performance at Work" by Shawn Achor

DO YOU LISTEN TO YOUR DREAMS OR YOUR FEARS?

A lot of things shape your present and future realities.  But what drives your agenda and planning?  Is your future shaped by the expectation of doing well, seizing opportunities, and being the best person you can reasonably be?  Or do the worries, challenges, disappointments and obstacles define your present and, indirectly, your future outcomes?  Is your future a proactive action or a reactive reaction to your past? 

Fortunately, you have a great deal of control over how your future unfolds.  When you speculate about what life will be like in a few years, do your fears or your dreams define that outcome?  Is it “CAN” or “CANNOT”, “ACT” or “REACT,” that sets the limit on these expectations?  Clearly there are limitations on what you can reasonably achieve, but do these boundaries define your future, or just direct you as to where you might look otherwise for a brighter and better tomorrow? 

A lot of questions come up when considering your future, but that is precisely what the future is all about.  Before your future occurs, that future is a series of choices which you must make either explicitly and consciously, or implicitly and without being aware. 

Just as you frame or re-frame your present circumstances, you implicitly frame your tomorrows.  The big difference, however, it that the future is exclusively a framing exercise, not a re-framing experiment.  The future is a wonderful mystery where you can set the plot, themes, players, places and promises.

Proactively seize your future and define it by YOUR dreams, opportunities, engagement and action.  This is the best offense and defense against the fears which might otherwise lurk on your horizon.

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SHARING YOUR POSITIVE EMOTIONS

The ten positive emotions are such a blessing. Tapping into feelings of joy, love, pride, hope, serenity, gratitude, awe, amusement, interest and inspiration* will significantly improve your present.  However, are there other ways to make these feeling flourish and multiply?  Earlier I suggested you mindfully experience times when you are in one of these emotional states.

Another suggestion is to mindfully express or share with others your thoughts when you are feeling positive.  Sharing with someone else your positive feelings increases the intensity of that moment for you, but also uplifts the spirit of that other person, which improves your spirits even more.  The synergy is real and spontaneous.  You can even go further in this sharing approach top well-being.  Listen to others when they express uplifting moments and phrase their experience through the “positive emotion” lens and see how  it resonates within you.

If you use social media, capture that special moment and share it in terms of the positive emotions or similar words that speak to you.  Those receiving your message will then be able to tap into similar emotions and identify more precisely with you. The bounty of these positive emotions is that they are like paint, they can make your present more colourful, complete and joyful. 

Framing and re-framing your moments by experiencing and sharing them will enhance both your own and others’ well-being.

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*:  You might want to look at the Reflection of February 26th, 2019 for an expanded description of these ten positive emotions.

*: Source:  Positivity by Barbara Frederickson

EXPERIENCING POSITIVE EMOTIONS

Positive psychology research suggests there are ten positive emotions which capture or describe being in a state of well-being or happiness.  These ten emotions are: joy, gratitude, hope, love, pride, serenity, amusement, interest, awe and inspiration.* Indeed, being in situations where these feeling are ripe is wonderful, but there can often be something missing.

Yes, you are full of joy, gratitude, love, hope, but is that it? For me, too often I overlook letting these positive emotions becomes positive experiences.  Being in the moment does not necessarily mean you are mindful of the wonder of that moment.  That extra alertness of pausing to let the subtle glory of that moment resonate within you is the blessing mindfulness can bring.

With a little non-effort any positive emotion can be enhanced.  I call it non-effort for a reason. Non-effort means with full awareness appreciating the awesomeness of being there NOW and giving up the effort of our otherwise naturally tendencies to analyze that moment:  stop judging, evaluating, or ranking the experience. 

Make it a habit or ritual to regularly take an inventory of your immediate situation and see how many of these ten positive emotions are present and active NOW.  See if you can frame that NOW moment with these colourful feelings.  With some concentration try to add a few of these emotions that were not at first obvious and then let the glow of these feeling be fully experienced. 

Mindfully experiencing the NOW is taking that NOW to the next level.

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*:  You might want to look at the Reflection of February 26th, 2019 for an expanded description of these ten positive emotions.

*: Source:  Positivity by Barbara Frederickson

THE OVER-CHOICE DILEMMA

There are so many choices available to me in the shops these days - it has cured any shopping urges I might have!  The bewildering options exceed my retail skills, and I quickly feel out of my league.  At what point is there too much selection? 

Consider Baskin Robbins and their 31 flavours of ice cream. The more selection, the more I just chose chocolate.  But right after that I start to regret my decision and wonder if mint chocolate might be better, or whatever my friend ordered.  I much prefer less than ten possibilities and shy away from too much variety.  Ever noticed in high end brand outlets how limited the range of goods is?  Similarly, many retailers and restaurants are restricting their product range or menu choices.

“Two psychology researchers (Schwartz and Ward) suggest the following strategy to manage the over-choice dilemma and the cognitive dissonance (buyer’s remorse) you often feel after doing some retail therapy. 

Their suggestions are:

Ø  You can learn to be satisfied, and accept ‘good enough’ (e.g. not worry about getting the best trainers, teachers, extra activities for kids, but worry about being there for them).

Ø  You can lower your expectations. The reality of any experience can suffer from comparisons. Unfulfilled but unreasonably high expectations are the yellow brick road to depression.

Ø  You can avoid social comparisons and set our own standards.

Ø  You can regret less and be grateful for what is good in life.

Ø  You can practice meta-choice and learn when choosing is worth it. This way we will only be a maximizer when it comes to something that really matters.

Ø  You can try to stick to your choices and not change your mind. This is another way to reduce anxiety.

Ø  You can learn to love constraints. Perhaps some constraints (imposed by relationships, having kids and having a regular job) are a blessing, because they reduce our sets of possible choices. If we create and follow a rule for something, we don’t need to make decisions.

Ø  You can remember that choice only increases freedom up to a certain point, beyond which it actually restricts our freedom."*

Try uncluttering your over-choice dilemma: less choice and more gratitude is a better option.

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*:  Schwartz, B., & Ward, A. (2004). Doing Better but Feeling Worse: The Paradox of Choice. In P. A. Linley & S. Joseph (Eds.), Positive psychology in practice (pp. 86-104). Hoboken, NJ, US: John Wiley & Sons Inc.

LETTING GO

Anyone that tells you that letting go is easy is understating the challenge of actually letting go.  Clinging to past misdeeds, regrets or current challenges can hold you back and undermine your well-being.

When it comes to matters of the past, letting go means either forgiving the wrong doer and/or resolving to learn from your misfortune and not let it happen again.  If the pain continues to haunt you, discuss the matter with cherished friends or get professional counseling.  The worst thing you can do is to harbour or ruminate on this past transgression, as you get stuck in an unhelpful rut of anger, regret, remorse and anxiety.

Letting go of an anxiety about a present or prospective matter is a different issue.  The process starts by identifying: “What is it that I am letting go of?”  Is it the challenge itself, THAT person and my reaction thereto, the annoyance, the uncertainty, or something else?                                                                        

For me, letting go is largely about giving up control over the outcome and accepting that the resolution is beyond my influence.   Rather, I focus on what I can do about this situation.  I focus on the idea that there is something I can change, and change it if I can.  Planning, carefully considering the pros and cons, and pondering alternatives are actions which are TOTALLY UNDER MY CONTROL.  It is effortful to contemplate and execute these controllable actions, which makes letting go of the consequences easier, because I know I have done my very best.

Like strategies to improve your confidence, it is useful to distinguish between effort (which you have control over) and results (which can be beyond your control).  Having confidence that you gave your best effort improves the likelihood that better outcomes will result.  Similarly, focusing on your effort and preparation makes letting go easier and more consoling.   Anxiously dwelling on outcomes beyond your control cannot be helpful or constructive. 

Focus on what you can change or control and put your effort there, then let go of the rest.

Or, put another way, known as the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

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MY SMALLER CUP - REVISITED

Is your cup half full, half empty or you just need a smaller cup?  I have pondered my cup a lot over the years, and sometimes I am just grateful I have a cup at all, and at other times, I find myself battling not to over-fill it.

If I reflect back, when my cup is smaller it is, of course, much fuller.  I need to regularly challenge myself to avoid wanting a MUCH larger cup, which is filled with too many unfulfilled and unhelpful expectations, needs and wants.  On the other hand, not wanting to do or be better is also unhelpful.  How do I manage the growth of my cup so that purpose and achievements still matter and I am a continuous work-in-progress, pushing the edge of my well-being forward?

And what is in my cup anyway?  The cup of my mid-life was filled with career, family, and financial aspirations.  My present cup consists of stopping to be in the moment, to smell the coffee: taking the scenic but slower route home, and reflecting on and savouring lessons learned.  My earlier cup was more career and pleasure orientated, and my present cup more deliberately engaged and purposeful. 

I am learning to express gratitude and appreciation for both the past and the present.  The more mindful I am of my present circumstances, the more bountiful, blessed and joyful I feel.

The prize of my smaller cup is that life gets easier, letting go more automatic, judging myself and others more unnecessary and re-framing the moments optimistically becomes my default setting.  As I look at my cup over the past thirty years, I can see that the cup’s size, shape, and composition has changed: the challenge is to let that cup fill, grow and overflow continually through all the changes of life.

Please carefully design and enhance your smaller cup, then LET IT BE. As we move into 2020, let’s all try and be more grateful for what we do have, rather than envious of what we don’t.

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WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?

After one hundred and four reflections, it might be timely to consider how my smaller cup has changed – what have I learned? 

I was not aware that gratitude and kindness were such essential ingredients to well-being.  Being mindfully grateful at least three times a day and doing three random acts of kindness a week is the best vitamin remedy available.

Consciously re-framing your present moment to have a (more) positive perspective is often self-fulfilling.

Letting go of judgement sure makes your life easier (but letting go is not easy or automatic).

40% of our well-being is determined by our intentions.  We have significant control over our intentions so we can materially improve our sense of wellness.

Meditation, even when done poorly, does help you control your thoughts and emotions.  This improved thought control empowers a lot of intentional well-being behavior and habits.

The ten positive emotions (love, joy, gratitude, pride, serenity, hope, awe, amusement, inspiration, interest).  I like to regularly take an inventory to see which I am neglecting and which are rewarding me.

Money has limited influence on well-being, unless you are in difficult financial circumstances.

Having a smaller cup that grows and is reasonably full gets me through my day.

Pushing your risk taking appetite is empowering, and being too easily frightened runs counter to your well-being.

The peak-end rule.  When we remember an experience (holiday, friendship, diner party, course), it is the best (or worst) moment and the last moment that most influences our re-collection.  Knowing this, plan your upcoming experiences accordingly, especially the end.

Be a human being not a human doing.  This is helpful to your well-being - seek to be in the present moment more, and avoid multi-tasking wherever possible.

Being kind, compassionate and generous to others richly rewards your spirits and wellness.

Pleasure (now, short term) and purpose (later, long term) are opposite ends of the happiness spectrum.  Make sure that you attend to both, as you are likely biased towards one or the other.

The five second rule: count backwards from five and then GO - do whatever you are hesitating or being pensive about.

And, similarly you might wonder how your well-being journey has changed – what have you learned?  Rather than a New Year’s resolution, do a last year’s self-reflection and be grateful for how you have improved your well-being.

And if I might recommend something to read, it would be The Chimp Paradox:  what an amusing, well-being eye-opener it is.

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CONFIDENCE: RESULTS OR EFFORT

One of the more prized dimensions of well-being is being confident; to be assured of one’s self but not overbearing.  There are at least two strategies to be confident: one based on results/achievements and the other based on effort.  Let me use a university student’s learning approach to a final exam as an example. 

The results oriented learner is convinced that a high final grade is all that matters and crams the course material with a determination that s/he must know everything, even the obscure topics, and be quick, precise and efficient in delivering their expertise on the final exam. Whereas they have no control over the exam, their solution to this dilemma is to stress themselves out, re-double their revision exercises and stand anxiously outside the examination hall.  When the actual exam occurs they are lacking in confidence.  Privately they know that being confident is essential yet much of what they do it anti-self-confidence enhancing. 

The effort oriented learner uses a totally different approach.  They start by planning a strategy of what needs to be done, assessing their strengths and weaknesses, doing useful learning tasks, and putting in concerted effort and attention.  The different is that the effort approach believes that if one gives their best, honest effort than one should have confidence that the results will speak for themselves.  The effortful person knows that they have complete control over their effort and have confidence in their preparation process.  They let go of the results and focus on their effort.  If things go well or if the results are disappointing, they say “live and learn”.  Curiously, such individuals over time mature their self-assurance, as they learn how to use their effort to improve their achievements.

Imagine you have a job interview, new customer, potential relationship partner, driving test, a project or whatever you want to do well.  In all these cases, confidence will have a significant impact on the outcome.  You can focus on the actual achievement or you can dwell on giving your best effort.  Guaranteed that focusing on your effort, which you have complete control over, will reward you much more than fixating on what will be the actual result.

As Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right”.  Investing and believing in your effort will boost your confidence and likely lead to better results.  Striving to be the best person you can reasonably be based on your best efforts will build up your self-confidence and well-being.  Dwelling too much on results will more than likely undermine your mindfulness, wellness and actual achievement.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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FRIENDS AND DECISION MAKING

Imagine you have to make a major decision like choosing a life partner, a new job, or buying a home.  Behind all these opportunities is the same objective, being, will your choice improve your well-being?  You consider the pros and cons, costs and benefits, and worry yourself silly.  There is one problem in all this analysis, you are by design TOTALLY SUBJECTIVE and cannot reasonably make a proper conclusion.  Likely you will second guess yourself and lose your sense of perspective.  Here is where close friends or those with local knowledge can help you.  You have to ask the right person the right question.

To start, don’t ask the obvious question which is, “Should I do x?”  This will make your adviser very reluctant to be candid, as they fear what they will say the wrong thing or they’ll be held accountable if you follow their advice and things go poorly.  In all likelihood you will get safe or evasive advice.  

Instead, go back to the underlying issue, which is your well-being much later on.  Rather ask, “Do you think doing x will improve my happiness and well-being in a few years?”   This is a more speculative question which the respondent can more honestly and helpfully answer.  That person can reply using their personal knowledge of you or the matter at hand. Likely their answer will help you consider areas you had not imagined. Most importantly, they are concerned about your well-being but are more objective, as an outsider can see often appreciate the issues as it affects you better than you can. 

Besides asking the better question, choose the right person to ask.  If it is a new job, ask someone who is familiar with the position.  Moving, someone who lives there already, etc.

Too often when we make big decisions we focus on the most obvious aspects of the opportunity and forget that it those smaller quirks that will make or break your later well-being.  Yes, the view is amazing (pay great, person is beautiful), but what are the neighbors or parking like as this will influence your long term wellness more than an awesome vista (or more income).  Others are much better at seeing or imagining the longer term consequences of your choices on your happiness and their objective or informed input should be wisely welcomed.

PS:  May you have richly blessed Christmas and 2020.  Remember to keep your cup gratefully smaller.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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FRIGHTENING OR DANGEROUS?

Feeling fright is both essential and unhelpful, depending on the situation.  The fight or flight innate reflex implanted into humankind has certainly saved each of us from harm many times.  Fright caused you to jump back from an approaching car or to decide to avoid that deserted street at night.  However, has too much fright robbed you of much happiness and adventure?

 The epidemiologist Hans Rosling noted:

“Frightening” and “dangerous” are two different things. Something frightening poses a perceived risk. Something dangerous poses a real risk. Paying too much attention to what is frightening rather than what is dangerous— that is, paying too much attention to fear— creates a tragic drainage of energy in the wrong directions. ……. I would like my fear to be focused on the mega dangers of today, and not the dangers from our evolutionary past.” *

 Fear often occurs because we confuse frightening with dangerous.  Fright or fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat which is often highly unlikely.  Take terrorism as an example.  The likelihood of being killed in a terrorist event in the West is 20 times less than being killed in a natural disaster, 14 times less than being murdered but 50 times more than being killed in a plane crash.  More people are killed by bees or horses than terrorists.  But what do we hear about?  Bees, horses or terrorists!!

 Danger is risk that is really out there, based on actual threats. Hans notes:

“The world seems scarier than it is because what you hear about it has been selected— by your own attention filter or by the media— precisely because it is scary.”

We don’t hear about safe outcomes, uneventful but wonderful adventures (unless they are a travel documentary) or happy endings, because they are deemed uninteresting and boring”

In finance the way risk taking is posed is by answering this real life trade-off question:  Do you want to eat well (take more risk) or sleep well (take less risk?) Regardless, the more risk you take the more you will earn.  That’s life.  

There is no right answer to the risk taking/caution dilemma, but that doesn’t mean you should be indifferent or unaware of the trade-offs. 

Regardless of your mindful choice, you unconsciously make the choice to be cautious or take a risk many times a day.  Please temper your conclusion with the occasional reality check: your well-being might appreciate it.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: "Factfulness: Ten Reasons We're Wrong About The World - And Why Things Are Better Than You Think" by Hans Rosling, Ola Rosling, Anna Rosling Rönnlund 

THE PLEASURE – PURPOSE TRADE-OFF

The positive psychologist/economist Dr. Paul Dolan developed his Pleasure-Purpose well-being model.  Dr. Dolan was interested in how an individual allocates their effort and attention between the shorter and longer effects of an experience.  Was it extensively about the feelings in the present moment (pleasure – pain) or viewed through a longer term lens (purpose – pointless)?

Using an example of either watching TV (higher on pleasure and lower on purpose) or work (lower on pleasure, higher on purpose), how did people actually allocate their time?  As an economist, he was curious as to whether one’s use of time was efficient, and whether well-being could be improved by using one’s time differently.  He concluded by saying:

“Having said all of this, it is possible for me to make a general claim: if you have a lot more pleasure in your life than purpose, then you should spend a bit more time doing something that is purposeful. And equally, if you have a lot more purpose than you have pleasure, then you should spend more time engaging in pleasure. This claim is based on the law of diminishing marginal returns (in our case, to happiness), a concept that is very close to any economist’s heart.”

He continues and notes:

“Many of the assumptions we make about happiness and about ourselves have a lot to do with the fact that we generally pay more attention to what we think should make us happy rather than focusing on what actually does.”*

 Dr. Dolan reasonably suggests considering how one manages the pleasure – purpose balance.  By shifting as little as an hour a day to activities on the under-served side of the balance, one can materially improve one’s experience of well-being.  If you have been brought up to feel guilty about indulging in things merely for pleasure this could be tricky, but listen more to your heart and what actually works for you. Similarly, look for purposeful opportunities is you are short on your longer term agenda.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: Happiness by Design: Finding Pleasure and Purpose in Everyday Life by Paul Dolan 

SELF ADVISING

The psychologist Dr. Steve Peter suggested a clever way to identify who you are and how you might advise yourself accordingly.  He used the following scenario. *

"Imagine you are 100 years old and on your death bed with one minute left to live.  Your great-great-grand child asks you. “Before you die, tell me what I should do with my life” (1)

Pause for a moment and try to honestly answer the question within the next minute. You have just one minute, starting now. When the time is up and you have worked out what you would say to them, then continue reading.

Answering this question will identify what is important to you, what is the essence of who you are and what really matters to you. It is what life is all about to you. It is your raison d’etre, your reason for being.  Many of you will answer with statements such as, ‘it doesn’t matter what you do’, ‘be happy’, ‘don’t worry’, ‘take more risks’ and ‘make the most of it’. Whatever your advice was to your great-great-grandchild is really the advice to yourself. If you are not living by this advice, which is the essence of your existence, you are living a lie. Don’t live a lie; it will unsettle you more than anything else.”

It is highly likely that the “YOU you want to be” and the “YOU you are” are not the same.  You, like almost everyone else, are somewhat lying to yourself.  Re-solving this riddle is beyond a two minute reflection, but taking your own self-advice to others is a good place to start. If you are keen to unpack your self-mystery, do read ‘The Chimp Paradox’ (noted below): a clever, humorous, lay-person’s guide to brain science and wellness.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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"The Chimp Paradox: The Acclaimed Mind Management Programme to Help You Achieve Success, Confidence and Happiness" by Steve Peters

(1) Bertrand Russell said something along the same line when he noted, “I feel as if one would only discover on one’s death-bed what one ought to have lived for.”