RULES

I have never been a big fan or follower of rules.  Perhaps it is because I grew up in the rebellious late 60’s, or because I was a middle child trying to carve my own destiny.  However, in another way, I am an absolute subscriber to rules, subject to three constraints being:

First, there are not very many (maximum twenty);

Second, the rules are robust and based on strong first principles;

Third, although the rules may have their basis in the Bible, law or other wisdoms,  I have personally applied them to myself and made them MY INTERNALIZED RULES.

So, what do rules have to do with wellness?  A lot.  Rules can reduce what is called ego depletion.

   Ego depletion refers to the idea that self-control or willpower draws upon a limited pool of mental resources that can be used up.  When the energy for mental activity is low, self-control is typically impaired, which would be considered a state of ego depletion.” *

Temptations of all sorts are everywhere.  Being honest can be very challenging.  Dan Ariely wrote an insightful book on honesty.**   Based on his research, he noted  we are almost naturally inclined to being less than totally honest.  We have all sorts of irrational justifications for cheating.  He had few remedies to our cheating frailty other than rules,  which he followed almost unquestionably. 

Why do rules work?  They counter ego depletion; rather than debating the pros and cons of a choice, we automatically follow the rule and act accordingly.  Rules counter going down the slippery slope of saying YES and not knowing when or how to say NO.  I was raised with the Ten Commandments hardwired into my brain (my first ten rules) and that has made making better choices so much easier.  Rules free up a lot of wellness space, as ego depletion is significantly reduced. Rules provide borders if thoughtfully designed. 

Most rules are short and based on your values (don’t steal, show fidelity, avoid jealousy, etc), The challenge is to know what YOUR RULES ARE and WHY THEY MATTER AND DEFINE YOU.  It is amazing how empowering these personal rules can be. 

What are your rules?  If a young adult asked you what your life rules were,  could you readily list them?  Rules can significantly improve our wellbeing.  

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

*: Wikipedia

**: The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty, Dan Ariely

APOLOGISE, FORGIVE, FORGET

Relationships are complicated and wonderful at the same time. Not surprisingly, things do become problematic on occasion. Someone anonymously provided the following advice about relationship management:

The first to apologise is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest.

What true but difficult advice to follow, but well worth the effort.

For me, apologising is awkward, which is why being brave is so essential.  Saying “Sorry” does not come easy or frequently enough.  However, I have learned that being first to be sincerely regretful is remedial and constructive.

Forgiving is often the other side of the apologising sequence.  Accepting the “Sorry” often resets the relationship on a more positive footing.  However, what about those times when there is no apology:  is forgiveness unnecessary? That is where being strong and turning the other cheek comes into play.  Being first to forgive others quickens your healing and recovery.  Put in the negative:

Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die.*

Then there is forgetting.  Truly letting go of a past misdeed is not easy, but the alternative only makes the poison more toxic. In the best of all circumstances, the Apologise-Forgive-Forget cycle can be completed and the healing process settled.  When that is not going to happen, forgetting is the happiest outcome.  Sometimes for good reasons, when forgiveness is not an option, then forgetting and letting go is that much more urgent.  Unfortunately, bitterness is often the alternative to forgetting; and bitterness is the less happy place to be.  Being first to forget neutralizes the poison of past transgressions.

Being first to apologise, forgive and forget will make your relationships braver, stronger and happier.   

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

*: Marianne Williamson

TODAY, TOMORROW OR YESTERDAY

I recently came across several wise observations about the consequences of not being  fully engaged in the present. Corrie ten Boom said,

Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength – carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time.*

Joyce Meyer has written,

Wisdom is our friend; it helps us not to live in regret. I think the saddest thing in the world would be to reach old age and look back at my life and feel nothing but regret about what I did or did not do. Wisdom helps us make choices now that we will be happy with later.*

Nicky Gumbel noted,

At one point in my life I developed a tendency to catastrophise – especially about my health.  I was really helped by someone who pointed this out to me and said that to catastrophise means to ‘overestimate the danger of tomorrow and underestimate your ability to cope with tomorrows challenges.*

There are three states of time: the past, present and future. Mo Gawdat ** studied how we divide out our present moments by living between these three-time frames, whether positively or negatively.  He summarized his findings, noting that we tend to spend most of our time in negative and other than present tense mindfulness.  We are preoccupied with the past or with the future, and can often experience negative  feelings (regret, sadness, remorse, despair, guilt, disappointment, anxiety, doubt, or fear). These emotions tend to overwhelm our present moment. 

Living in the present moment is a constant challenge.  When feelings of regret, despair, or anxiety flood our minds, try to draw your mind back to the present moment and away from negative worries or regrets. Replace negative emotions with more positive, hopeful ones, by deliberately choosing not to focus on negative emotions.  Being more in the NOW is an unnatural habit, but one worth mastering

*:The Bible in One Year – a Commentary by Nicky Gumbel

**: Solve for Happy  by Mo Gawdat

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

SUFFERING OR RE-THINKING OUR LIMITATIONS

A reporter asked Greta Thunberg:  Do you suffer from Asperger’s Syndrome?

Greta’s answer:  “I would not say I suffer, but I have it”.

What a clever re-framing by this inspiring young environmental activist.*

I have had challenges, ranging from being dyslexic, left-handed, clumsy, and uncoordinated to having poor eyesight.  At first, I was not aware that anything was wrong at school, but then came  a long period of frustration and disappointment. A period of choice came in my early twenties: Was I going to SUFFER and feel like a VICTIM , or ACCEPT that I had these challenges and just get on with life?   

Deciding to accept my limitations was a wonderful relief, as each has its upsides and advantages.  For example, being dyslexic means that the learning process for me was more based around understanding ideas and the big picture, as I often have to read things many times and really think about what the writer is trying to say to understand something. This was a significant advantage when teaching in a university environment, as I have often had to think about something very carefully to try and understand it.  And then use this deliberate learning process and methodology for my lecture. My awkwardness has made me engineer many tasks to reduce the number of movements (and get used to falling or dropping things).  Laughing at myself and working with the novelty these limitations afforded has been a source of much success, joy and adventure. 

Using the erase test, where one removes an incident or circumstance in one’s life, you also remove ALL the subsequent consequences and knock-on effects of that matter.  Personally, I would not change or erase a thing and feel grateful for my limitations.  I am also very mindful, that were these matters removed, there would be new ones to replace them, so better the devil I know than the one I do not know!

EVERYONE has issues and challenges.  The decision we must make is: do we suffer from them, accept them, or better still, convert them into opportunities or blessings?

Currently we are all under some type of Covid constraint: are you going to suffer it, accept/tolerate it, or make the best of these weird times? A little bit of optimistic resilience won’t make Covid go away, but it will make our present moment that much better.

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

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*The film, I am Greta comes out this Autumn.  The trailer looks promising

COMPETE OR COMPLETE

I have taught business in a university environment for over thirty-five years.  Over these years I note that the favour and focus of  learners,  society  and faculty has changed.  Sadly, it seems business has become overly focused on profit, market share, WINNING and a blind faith that the marketplace should decide what is proper, moral or constructive.   In the early  ‘80’s, business and financial matters received far less media attention.  Not so today: financial concerns seem to justify too much of what society values and measures.   Is there a better way to be financially and socially successful?

John C. Maxwell* suggested a change in our financial mindset from competing to completing.  Maxwell describes the competing attitude as focusing on WIN-LOSE, excluding others, scarcity, selfishness and zero sum.  A completing attitude values WIN-WIN, including others, abundance, selflessness and growth.

Yes, the competing perspective has significantly improved our standard of living.  However, a phenomena called the ‘Easterlin paradox’ notes that over the past fifty years or more, per capital income adjusted for inflations has more than doubled, but measures of personal happiness in the West have remained constant at 30%, meaning that about 30% of the population continues to describe themselves as happy.** 

The most rewarding aspect of the completing mindset is that it brings joy, gratitude and serenity to us and others.  You may be a little less wealthy, but you feel so much healthier and more connected to others.

After all this improvement in our material wealth it seems like it is time to shift to a completing, cooperative and collaborative perspective.  Competition and our current capitalist model needs to become more inclusive.  The issues of climate change, inequity and intolerance are not topics that competing seems designed to resolve in a timely manner.

Consider replacing WIN-LOSE challenges to WIN-WIN opportunities, and we will all be better off. 

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

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*:  Leadershift by John C.Maxwell

**: Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth by Ed Diener, Robert Biswas-Diener

HAVING FEWER CARES

Between Covid, politics and elections, the economy and the environment, there seems to be no end to the number of things that one might be anxious about.  Unfortunately, anxiety is inversely correlated with well-being: the more anxious you are, the less you will feel well.

In the last few months, I have decided to:

·         stop watching the news before I go to bed,

·         avoid the newspapers with their sensationalist take on everything,

·          largely boycott violent or pointless movies. 

Essentially, I have put myself on a diet of reduced negative or unhelpful stimuli. I have removed from my agenda matters which are beyond my control or influence to positively improve. Instead, I look for hopeful or helpful experiences which can encourage a sense of gratitude and optimism.

Letting go of so much noise certainly has made my world much lighter and more manageable.  I have less concerns to worry about and feel less overwhelmed.  Having fewer cares is most empowering as you become more carefree.  This focuses your attention on what really matters, where to put your energy and resources and how not to get caught up in concerns beyond your control.  There are about a dozen things on my agenda that I pro-actively care about and for each it is solutions, not complaints, that I concern myself with.

One of the upsides is in realising where I can make a difference. I can align my priorities with my worries.  Take Covid, something on everyone’s hit-list of angsts.  Are you going to get all worked up about finding a vaccine, where the next hotspot is, who isn’t wearing a mask or how we are going to pay for the consequences?  Or will you sensibly, caringly, and non-judgmentally use physical distancing, wearing a mask and a smile to reduce its spread?  Or the environment: how about just doing your part to reduce your eco-footprint and picking up the litter near your home?

Having fewer cares actually means caring more about your local situation. It involves thinking about how you can enact change in line with your values. It significantly improves your wellness.  The calm which this optimism encourages naturally evokes gratitude, the ultimate well-being vitamin.

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

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TIME OUT**

Do you often feel rushed and stressed?  Do you wonder where all that time went?  Do you imagine you are busier and have less leisure time than those of earlier generations?

Actual data tells an interesting story. British workers worked on average 1,813 hours per year in 1979, and in 2015 worked 1,674 hours per year; Canadians went from 1,841 hours to 1,482 hours over the same period; Americans from 1,829 to 1,790 hours and the Germans from 2,186 hours per year in 1979 to 1,371 hours per year in 2015.*  With the exception of pre-historic societies (who apparently are estimated to have worked 1,773 hours per year), no one has had more free time per year than ourselves, yet we often don’t feel relaxed or rested.  Why the dis-connect?  Why do we feel such time poverty?

There are lots of reason why we feel rushed and ill-at-ease with leisure and relaxation time.  Start with productivity.  The reason we have the extra time is because we are more effective and efficient with our working hours and we apply the same mindset to our free time. We want to maximize the output per hour of leisure, a contradiction in terms.  Can we multi-task and relax at the same time?  Not really, but we try none-the-less. 

‘Busy, rush, quick, fast, more’.  We seem to be addicted to activities that feed our anxious nature.  Are we afraid we may discover something about ourselves if we slow down?  What will others think if  we aren’t busy?!

Then there is TV, the 800-pound gorilla in the room, which on average we watch over 22.5 hours of every week, not including streaming services such as Netflix.  And afterwards, we confess watching TV is one of the least meaningful leisure activities we do.  Yes, TV does provide pleasure, but it is rather short on purpose, which is where the guilt comes from.   An excellent starting point to solve the ‘busy’ dilemma is to monitor media consumption. Often, this is where our leisure time gets drained.

‘Time perspective’ refers to whether you are typically living in and focusing on the present, the past, or the future and whether that focus is positive, neutral, or negative. When you have time out, are you focused on the present moment in a positive way or pondering/planning the past or future with a worrisome or anxious perspective?

If we want to benefit from our leisure time, the science suggests focusing on relationships, constructive experiences, acts of kindness (volunteering), slowing down (no multi-tasking), fitness, and personal growth.  As they say, smell the coffee and savour the moment.

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

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*:  Source: www.Clockify.me/working-hours

**:  Some of these ideas came from, Time for Life: The Surprising Ways Americans Use Their Time, by John Robinson, Geoffrey Godbey

C.V. OR EULOGY?

During our career, we develop a C.V  that summarizes our employment skills and achievements.  This proudly exaggerates (let’s be honest) what we have done.  When you read your résumé, don’t you smile at some of those milestones along the way; how those early successes now look so minor, but at the time they were huge?  They all helped to get you to where you are today.

While you were accumulating all that experience and expertise, you were also crafting your eulogy. What a different text that is!  Rather than describing what you did or can do, it summarizes how you are remembered.  Rather than being framed as a human doing, the eulogy sees you as a human being: what were your endearing qualities, virtues and quirks that made you the person you were.  Your morals and values are the central pieces of your eulogy, not your wealth, education, or titles.

Your C.V and eulogy need not be in conflict: there is a wonderful synergy between the two if you keep your eye on the long term.  As you build your career, regularly compare your achievements against an ethical/morale code and see how they measure up.  What do these feats suggest about your character, integrity, wisdom, and judgement?  Fortunately, your past will come to bless (or haunt) you.  Keeping your eulogy in the back of your mind is a powerful self-correcting device to keep you on a better path.  Small upstanding actions early in your career will make your skill development more significant and remarkable. 

Smarter hiring and promotion strategy look for integrity first: you can always train someone to become more skilful.  Training someone to be honourable or virtuous does not work very well or easily, because it must come from within and naturally.  I will always prefer a person of average skill but strong ethics over a brilliant person with suspicious ethics.

Independent of your résumé, it is important to pause and imagine how you will be remembered.  What difference did you really make?  Will you be remembered for your kindness and selflessness, or will it be just the toys and the titles you acquired? And be mindful that the more joyful and redeeming your eulogy, the more purposeful and successful your actual career likely was. 

          Physically distance (when required), but never socially distance.

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YOUR EXPLANATORY STYLE

Imagine the scene: something noteworthy happens to you, evoking an emotional reaction, and later that day you describe the event to a friend.  The way you explain this event goes a long way to summarizing your state of well-being, and how you view your circumstances in terms of being an optimist or pessimist.

One way of looking at optimism and pessimism is as different explanatory styles. An explanatory style means the way we explain our experiences or the events which happen to us. Research has found that optimists and pessimists have different explanatory styles. Optimists attribute the cause of NEGATIVE events and experiences to external, specific,  and transient factors.  Pessimists do the opposite; they attribute the cause of bad events to internal, global and permanent factors. Interestingly, these positions are reversed when we explain POSITIVE events and experiences. Optimists think about good outcomes as being personal, permanent, and pervasive, whereas pessimists think the opposite (external, specific, and transient).*

But is this the end of the story for a pessimist? No!

Intentionally, you can challenge your pessimistic summary of events and experiences by changing one’s explanatory style.  One highly effective way of becoming more optimistic is to monitor your explanatory style and challenge the negative explanations you make. Psychologists call this disputing.  

It may sound pompous or naïve that when something wonderful occurs you take credit for it and presume it to be the new normal.  Or when things go poorly, to assume that is it not your fault and an exception.  But would you rather assume it is your fault, pervasive and permanent? That is usually not the whole picture and anymore truthful either. 

Dare to be intentionally hopeful, modestly proud, and grateful for your blessings.  Let go of ruminating about life’s missteps and taking them personally, assuming they will persist.  Being an optimist won’t necessarily change your life, but it will significantly improve how you experience your life. And isn’t that one of the goals of improved well-being.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

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*: A Practical Guide to Positive Psychology: Achieve Lasting Happiness, Bridget Grenville-Cleave

YOUR FUTURE SELF

Everyone has a present and a future self. Your present self is how you see yourself in your own mind, today, as you are.  Your future self is the person you may imagine yourself to be in the future. Take a look at this future self:  How is this self the same or different from your present self?  Are you happier? Have you learned new skills? Are you kinder? A better partner? Are you healthier? Do you relate to this future self or are they so far removed from your present self that they are really a stranger? Is it a realistic prediction of who you could become, or is it more like a fantasy?

Hal Ersnere-Hershfield from UCLA has extensively researched how our present and future selves influence our long-term well-being.  Your future self significantly affects the trade-offs you make between your present and future circumstances.  He suggests that the less you actively contemplate the correlation between your present and future self, the greater the disconnect between the two will be, and the more your future self will be a fantasy figure.  Deferring gratification and strengthening your willpower are all about making your future self a better version of your present self.

Take for example, the issues of saving for retirement,  future education, fidelity, or healthier lifestyles.  The more you are mindful of the long term consequences of your immediate actions and how they could compromise or improve your future outcomes, the more these will be part of the trade-offs you make between the present moment and your future well-being.  Ersnere-Hershfield noted that those with strongly developed pictures of their future selves were better they at saving for retirement, managing  credit card debt, acting ethically and being purposely inclined.  He suggested that being dis-connected with one’s future self seemed to give one permission to ignore the consequences of one’s actions.*

Kelly McGonigal suggests three interesting ways to improve your awareness and accountability to your future self.  

1. Create a Future Memory. Imagining the future helps people delay gratification. You do not even need to think about the future rewards of delaying gratification – just thinking about the future seems to work.  When you picture the future, the brain begins to think more concretely and immediately about the consequences of your present choices. The more real and vivid the future feels, the more likely you are to decide in favour of things that your future self won’t regret.

2. Send an Email Message to Your Future Self.  Go to: www.FutureMe.org  and write an email that will be sent to you at a specified future date.  Describe to your future self what you are going to do now to help yourself meet your long-term goals. What are your hopes for your future self? What do you think you will be like? You can also imagine your future self looking back on your present self. What would your future self thank you for, if you were able to commit to it today? 

3. Imagine Your Future Self. Studies show that imagining your future self can increase your present self’s willpower. Can you imagine a hoped-for future self who is committed to the change, and reaping the benefits? Or a future self suffering the consequences of not changing? Let yourself daydream in vivid detail, imagining how you will feel, how you will look, and what pride, gratitude, or regret you will have for your past self’s choices. **

Your future self can be your best friend if you empower it to be your guiding light and inspiration for a wonderful future.

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

*: Future self-continuity: How conceptions of the future self transform intertemporal choice, Hershfield, H.E. (2011).

**: Maximum Willpower: How to master the new science of self-control, Kelly McGonigal

PAUSE AND PLAN

Hard wired into our psych is the “fight or flight” reflex. 

This reflex is an almost instantaneous physiological response to a threatening challenge. What happens? The amygdala portion of our brain shuts down most of our bodily functions.  Instead a flood of  adrenaline and extra oxygen goes to vital muscles, so that we are materially stronger and quicker than normal.  Our senses are on high alert.  Simultaneously, our alarm system also shuts down our prefrontal cortex (the hippocampus), that portion of our brain which is inclined to reflecting, pondering, and thinking. 

We are almost 100% impulsive and 0% thoughtful.  This is a good idea when confronted with an imminent life-threatening danger. The problem is that the fight or flight reaction is a little trigger happy.  It is not especially discerning about whether the “risk” is real or imagined, serious or minor.  So how can our amygdala be better managed? 

Suzanne Segerstrom, a psychologist at the University of Kentucky studied this challenge and called it the pause and plan response. It all about self-control and willpower.  She noted:

The pause-and-plan response differs in one very crucial way: it starts with the perception of an internal conflict, not an external threat. You want to do one thing (smoke a cigarette, eat more at lunch), but know you should not. Or you know you should do something (submit your tax return, go to the gym), but you would rather do nothing. This internal conflict is its own kind of threat: your instincts are pushing you toward a potentially bad decision. What is needed, therefore, is protection of yourself by yourself. This is what self-control is all about. The most helpful response will be to slow you down, not speed you up (as a fight-or-flight response does). And this is precisely what the pause-and-plan response does. The perception of an internal conflict triggers changes in the brain and body that help you slow down and control your impulses.*

So, what is the take-away?  The next time you feel an urge to do something that may not enhance your well-being, pause and plan rather than go on automatic pilot.  Focus on whether your action (or inaction) conflicts with your better instincts and longer-term purposes.  Just by a slight shifting of our attention, half the battle is won, and you can empower your hippocampus to do its job.  In the longer run you will be better person because you paused and planned.

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Maximum Willpower: How to Master the New Science of Self-Control by Kelly McGonigal

IF YOU GIVE YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE *

‘No one has ever become poor by giving’ : Anne Frank

It is extremely easy to be overwhelmed in the face of Covid-19 and the challenges it presents us with.  A useful antidote to this situation is to be charitable.  Giving to others is putting gratitude into action, and it allows us to feel that we can be of some use in these times.

Both the quote by Anne Frank and the Chinese proverb quoted above capture a wonderful quality of giving. When you give, you seem to end up with more than you had before.  Willingly and joyfully giving miraculously seems to BLESS you with more than you gave up.  There is no other word but BLESS to describe this awesome synergy.

Many have noted that in response to the Covid crisis spontaneous random acts of kindness and giving are occurring because of the (almost) unique human quality of altruism.  Being selfless or other-minded significantly improves our sense of well-being and helps the community we live in.

There are three different forms of giving, all beginning with the letter “T”.  One can give of one’s Time, Talent or Treasure.  Whereas financial assistance is appreciated, giving of your time or talent is especially effective as it engages more of your intentional energy and being. This charity is especially rewarding.

As the lock-down constraints are reduced, there is expected to emerge a profound mental health challenge.  The economic and employment disruptions will require governments and citizens to re-visit their willingness and ability to give to and share in the burdens of the pandemic victims.

If you are fortunate and not materially disadvantaged by this new-normal, please re-define your giving agenda.  Make giving while you are living a larger priority.  And explore the time and talent opportunities of your donation plan.  You will become richer and more blessed as you give.

Please be kind, patient and thoughtful to your partner and others.

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*: A Chinese proverb brought to my attention by Miguel Mayher

BEYOND EMOTIONAL WELLNESS

I tend to write a lot about positive emotions, but there is more to well-being than this.  The godfather of positive psychology (Martin Seligman) coined the acronym PERMA to describe wellbeing.  The five parts of the wellness riddle are: Positive emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Achievement. 

Indeed, feeling wonderful is great.  Fortunately, there is more to being well and flourishing than a smile.  These other dimensions are described as:

Engagement:  An experience in which we fully deploy our skills, strengths, and attention in a challenging task.  When fully engaged we are “in the flow” and we forget time and everything around us.

Relationships: Connections to others that brings purpose and meaning to our life.

Meaning: a sense of purpose derived from belonging to and serving something bigger than ourselves.

Accomplishment: Pursuing achievement, competence, success and mastery for its own sake, in a variety of domains, including workplace, sports, games, hobbies, etc. **

The reason I mention the larger domain of PERMA is to encourage you to look beyond your emotions and seek out opportunities to flourish Are there areas in your life where some of these other aspects could be enhanced?  For me, much of my wellness comes from my work.  Through it I have found ways to combine engagement, relationships, meaning and achievement.  What a transformation that was!! 

Is there an aspect of your life that you can re-package and re-design into something that gives you more purpose and raison d’etre?  Once this Covid-19 lockdown lightens up, is there a chance to change how you approach your work, relationships, or hobbies? Once you can go out more, how can you round out your PERMA?  I suggest starting with engagement as that gets the process rolling, and it involves your interests and talents.  Use this “slower period” to ask some challenging questions about what you might like to change either now, or soon.

Please be mindfully kind, thoughtful and patient with yourself and others. 

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**: "Flourish: A New Understanding of Happiness and Wellbeing: The practical guide to using positive psychology to make you happier and healthier" by Martin Seligman 

THE ESSENTIAL MINERALS OF WELLNESS

Earlier I suggested that hope, serenity and gratitude were outstanding positive emotions or vitamins to counter Covid-19 anxiety. Just as vitamins are required for our physical wellbeing, there are some essential emotional minerals that can spice up this challenging season of life. 

In these tense times, I am actively seeking out or creating moments where I am feeling interested, inspired and awed.  Let’s look at each one:

Interest:  Feeling open and alive.  Your horizons are expanding with new possibilities.  You have a desire to explore, to take in new ideas and learn more.

Inspiration:  Feeling uplifted.  Seeing better possibilities than usual.  A desire to want to express and do what is good.

Awe:   Feeling overwhelmed by greatness.  Experiencing goodness and amazement.

These positive emotions are generally under-utilized, as we are too busy to pause and allow ourselves to feel truly interested, inspired or awed by what is right there in this moment.  It often takes deliberate effort to experience these uplifting emotions, as we must look for something special in the ordinary and usual, letting go of judgemental thinking.  These feeling can also trigger gratitude and serenity which is great bonus.

It may sound corny, but I love those Tom Hanks type feel good movies and absolutely avoid all movies that have unhappy ending or violence.  Especially now, with the almost 24-hour Covid-19 awfulizing news coverage I need to refresh my spirits with uplifting and hopeful possibilities, reducing negative inputs or suggestions.  Why not check out a BBC Nature show, a book where things go well, a Friends episode, your favourite music from yesterday or a tasty treat?  Go back to what works for you, and savour the reassurance, inspiration and awe it rewards you.

Seek out moments that encourage feelings of interest, inspiration or awe. This will spice up your day and improve your spirits.  Improving our resilience needs a diet of positive emotions. 

Please bulk up on interest, inspiration, awe (and hope, gratitude, hope, love, serenity pride and amusement also).

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MIRROR NEURONS

The British have this wonderful phrase called the “knock on effect” to describe how some chain of event or circumstance can influence later situations.  Our emotional state of mind and actions similarly can have profound positive or negative knock on effects.  And there is science to back up these ripple effects:

Scientists found something called mirror neurons: specialized brain cells that can actually sense and then mimic the feelings, actions, and physical sensations of another person. Let’s say a person is pricked by a needle. The neurons in the pain center of his or her brain will immediately light up, which should come as no surprise. But what is a surprise is that when that same person sees someone else receive a needle prick, this same set of neurons lights up, just as though he himself had been pricked. In other words, he actually feels a hint of the pain of a needle prick, even though he himself hasn’t been touched. 

As we pass through the day, our brains are constantly processing the feelings of the people around us, taking note of the inflection in someone’s voice, the look behind their eyes, the stoop of their shoulders. In fact, the amygdala can read and identify an emotion in another person’s face within 33 milliseconds, and then just as quickly prime us to feel the same.  Once people mimic the physical behaviors tied to these emotions, it causes them to feel the emotion themselves.

Smiling, for instance, tricks your brain into thinking you’re happy, so it starts producing the neurochemicals that actually do make you happy. Scientists call this the facial feedback hypothesis, and it is the basis of the recommendation “fake it till you make it.” While authentic positivity will always trump its faux counterpart, there is significant evidence that changing your behavior first— even your facial expression and posture— can dictate emotional change. *  

So what does this have to do with well-being?  Everything!!  We are both mirroring other’s emotions and actions but can also infuse others with how we are feeling.  Various estimates suggest there are nearly 1,000 people within three degrees of most of us (ignoring Facebook).  We can project our positive emotions and wellness to 1,000 others and improve their lives.  We can be like secondhand smoke and either bring people down or uplift their spirits.

Positive feelings will be mirrored by others and have awesome knock-on effects.   Please pass them on and multiply joy and well-being.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:  The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology that Fuel Success and Performance at Work  by Shawn Achor 

KINDNESS, PATIENCE, THOUGHTFULNESS

Look carefully at your most prized relationships and ask:  “What is the most essential ingredient in these relationships?”  Yes, love.  But love is a rather vague catch-all word.  How about kindness, patience and thoughtfulness?  Wouldn’t it be awesome if you gave and received these unconditional expressions of love?

As these words are so rich and subjective, I thought it might be useful to look up their definitions in Wikipedia.  And here is what I learned:

Kindness is as the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.

Affection, gentleness, warmth, concern, and care are words that are associated with kindness.  

Patience is a person's ability to wait something out or endure something tedious, without getting riled up.

Thoughtfulness is showing consideration for others; considerate, being mindful or heedful of the well-being of others.

Your relationships would likely appreciate extra dosages of kindness, patience and thoughtfulness, but how do you make that happen?  Start by consciously putting in these same ingredients.  When matters get harried, consider which would be the best medicine, or ponder whether there is tension because they are lacking.  When everything is going well, observe how mindfully upping the amount of kindness, patience and/or thoughtfulness makes that moment even better.  Also, be alert to when you receive these responses from others and note how it improves your relationship.

Once you have done several proactive experiments with these emotions, share what you have learned with your partner or friends.  Encourage them to be open to using kindness, patience and thoughtfulness to show and receive affection.

Mindfully giving and receiving kindness, patience and thoughtfulness certainly improves any relationship.  Do some experimenting and see what happens.  Nothing to lose, and everything to gain!

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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THE CONFIRMATION BIAS

There is too much disagreement, anger and division.  Whether it is Brexit, Donald Trump or climate change, there are such polarized and uncompromising views.  I am right and you are wrong; I am wise and you are foolish and I can prove it.  See, this is what I just read!

Psychologists and economists note that people have a strong and natural inclination to seek out information that confirms their views and dismiss information that contradicts their opinion.   They call it the confirmation bias.  The confirmation bias is the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms or strengthens one's prior personal beliefs or hypotheses, and overlooks or trivializes whatever contradicts that opinion.  We feel we are right and the evidence supports our conclusion.  The only problem is that someone else holds exactly the opposite view, and was also able to find supporting evidence to support their contrary view. 

This isn’t about fake news, propaganda or mis-truths.  Rather, there are thirty or more facts or half-truths out there and each side’s media picks and chooses those ten facts that suit their narrative and subscribers’ views.  No one wins and the debate gets more heated.  Each side becomes more polarized and refuses to listen or entertain the other’s perspective.  The divisions multiply and actual debate or resolution becomes more difficult and in fact unwelcome.  The only solution seems to be for the other side to admit defeat and repent.

Sounds rather hopeless, but is this not a realistic summary of the views on most complex matters?  Is there a solution?  YES!!

I suggest that to start, one should respectfully listen to those opinions which are contrary to yours and acknowledge that some of their points have merit.  Read media that promotes views that are different from your own so you can appreciate where that other perspective is coming from.   Accept the fact that your view has some negative or problematic features. The hallmark of true and functioning democracy is tolerance, please exercise and be tolerant when differences emerge.  Finally, if you strongly disagree with someone’s’ opinion, that does not mean that person is a bad person.  Branding others with labels like enemy, evil, ignorant or the like because you disagree with them is neither helpful, fair nor kind.

By definition complex issues very rarely have 100% “correct or ideal” solutions.  The reason they are complex is because the trade-off required to resolve these matters is not black and white, but grey.  The ultimate solution is likely in a tight range between 50%   +/-   10%, and you largely agree on most of the aspects of the issue, it is just that in the final balance and solution you may differ with others.

Please let our differences be governed by tolerance, patience, civility, open-mindedness and compassion.  Please lighten up on your confirmation bias.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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CHARACTER STRENGTHS

We all have skills and abilities, but equally we have personality strengths (and weaknesses). We have traits that are hard wired into who we are and affect how we behave unconsciously. These inclinations suggest how we are emotionally pre-disposed to experience the NOW.  Knowing what you are naturally inclined to do is most helpful in promoting well-being and positivity.

"Even more fulfilling than using a skill, though, is exercising a strength of character, a trait that is deeply embedded in who we are. A team of psychologists recently catalogued the 24 cross-cultural character strengths that most contribute to human flourishing. Examples of these strengths included honesty, kindness, hope prudence, etc.   They then developed a comprehensive survey that identifies an individual’s top five, or “signature,” strengths. When 577 volunteers were encouraged to pick one of their signature strengths and use it in a new way each day for a week, they became significantly happier and less depressed than control groups. And these benefits lasted: even after the experiment was over, their levels of happiness remained heightened a full six months later. Studies have shown that the more you use your signature strengths in daily life, the happier you become."

Normally, I am not inclined to suggest you take a personal survey, but I would recommend this one.  To learn what’s in your own top five character strengths follow the link:   www.viasurvey.org and take the free survey.  There will be no annoying follow-up notices and no obligation to pay.  I have taken the survey twice and have found it insightful, as some of my core strengths were re-prioritized as I became more interested in understanding well-being.  Equally informative were my character weaknesses. Being mindful of where I am wanting is helpful in my personal relationships. Knowing your strengths is also insightful in term of career goals, and finding links between your emotional inclinations and your employment prospects.

Key well-being (and career advice) I endorse is “Go with your strengths (and manage your weaknesses).”  Getting a little objective advice on your pluses and minuses is useful and the “survey” takes less than 10 minutes.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

*: "The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology that Fuel Success and Performance at Work" by Shawn Achor

DO YOU LISTEN TO YOUR DREAMS OR YOUR FEARS?

A lot of things shape your present and future realities.  But what drives your agenda and planning?  Is your future shaped by the expectation of doing well, seizing opportunities, and being the best person you can reasonably be?  Or do the worries, challenges, disappointments and obstacles define your present and, indirectly, your future outcomes?  Is your future a proactive action or a reactive reaction to your past? 

Fortunately, you have a great deal of control over how your future unfolds.  When you speculate about what life will be like in a few years, do your fears or your dreams define that outcome?  Is it “CAN” or “CANNOT”, “ACT” or “REACT,” that sets the limit on these expectations?  Clearly there are limitations on what you can reasonably achieve, but do these boundaries define your future, or just direct you as to where you might look otherwise for a brighter and better tomorrow? 

A lot of questions come up when considering your future, but that is precisely what the future is all about.  Before your future occurs, that future is a series of choices which you must make either explicitly and consciously, or implicitly and without being aware. 

Just as you frame or re-frame your present circumstances, you implicitly frame your tomorrows.  The big difference, however, it that the future is exclusively a framing exercise, not a re-framing experiment.  The future is a wonderful mystery where you can set the plot, themes, players, places and promises.

Proactively seize your future and define it by YOUR dreams, opportunities, engagement and action.  This is the best offense and defense against the fears which might otherwise lurk on your horizon.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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SHARING YOUR POSITIVE EMOTIONS

The ten positive emotions are such a blessing. Tapping into feelings of joy, love, pride, hope, serenity, gratitude, awe, amusement, interest and inspiration* will significantly improve your present.  However, are there other ways to make these feeling flourish and multiply?  Earlier I suggested you mindfully experience times when you are in one of these emotional states.

Another suggestion is to mindfully express or share with others your thoughts when you are feeling positive.  Sharing with someone else your positive feelings increases the intensity of that moment for you, but also uplifts the spirit of that other person, which improves your spirits even more.  The synergy is real and spontaneous.  You can even go further in this sharing approach top well-being.  Listen to others when they express uplifting moments and phrase their experience through the “positive emotion” lens and see how  it resonates within you.

If you use social media, capture that special moment and share it in terms of the positive emotions or similar words that speak to you.  Those receiving your message will then be able to tap into similar emotions and identify more precisely with you. The bounty of these positive emotions is that they are like paint, they can make your present more colourful, complete and joyful. 

Framing and re-framing your moments by experiencing and sharing them will enhance both your own and others’ well-being.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

*:  You might want to look at the Reflection of February 26th, 2019 for an expanded description of these ten positive emotions.

*: Source:  Positivity by Barbara Frederickson