CAUSING INTENTIONS

One of the most effective strategies to improve our wellbeing is to intentionally re-frame our experiences in ways that are helpful, hopeful and constructive.  The challenge is how to make this re-framing a more automatic habit.

What I find  useful is to start by defining positive emotions that aid wellbeing (the list below details the ten positive emotions identified by Barbara Frederickson*):

Gratitude: Appreciating something that has come our way as a gift to be treasured. 

Hope:  A belief that things can change and be better in the future.

Joy: Feeling bright and light. 

Love: All the positive emotions when they stir the heart to engage and share with others in constructive relationships.

Pride:  A managed and modest feeling of achievement.

Serenity:  Savouring the moment; feeling that things are so right and comfortable. 

Amusement: Something unexpected but non-threatening happens that simply makes you laugh.

Awe:  Experiencing goodness and amazement on a grand scale.

Inspiration: Feeling uplifted; seeing better possibilities than usual.

Interest:  Feeling open and alive; your horizons are expanding with new possibilities. 

Next, I ponder whether there are other synonyms I have for these emotions which speak to me. Then I identify what I consider to be the opposite of these feelings.  To finish, I complete a simple exercise of breathing in the positive feelings and intentionally letting go of  its negative opposite. 

For example, I pause for about two minutes (ten breaths) and recite in my mind the following phrases:

Breathe in GRATITUDE, let go of GREED

Breathe in HOPE, let go of DESPAIR

Breath in JOY, let go of SADNESS

Continuing in like manner for the next seven emotions.

The fruit of this exercise is that gradually the positive emotions become more familiar and relevant. When their opposites emerge, I intentionally have a strategy to reject them in favour of their more optimistic partner. 

This exercise may take a little memory work to create and remember your intentional emotional pairs, but the consequence is you will have a deliberate well-being plan that is yours and works for you.

*:  Positivity by Barbara Frederickson

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

THE FIRST THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD HUMAN

I recently listened to a futuristic TEDx talk by Aubrey De Grey*.  He suggested that the first thousand-year-old human has already been born! He was excited and enthusiastic that the science was there to make it all come together soon…  the aging process could be stalled, and cell regeneration and other remedies started instead.  He seemed to imply that longevity was the ultimate holy grail for the all science, the goal of life itself.

My reaction was one of feeling troubled, but also rather pleased that I was likely to escape a 1,000 (or even 100) year fate.  I am older and very content to be nearing my best before date.  To imagine that the point or goal of my life is to live for an extremely long time is to misstate or misunderstand my personal raison d’etre; nothing is  further from the truth.

Is the meaning of life to merely live the longest, or is it to live a good life? Is the solution to mortality immortality?  Is being finite better than being infinite?  We are blessed with mortal and finite limitations, but it is our potential while in the finite stage that most inspires me.

Does living for longer necessarily enhance the overall quality of life? My personal guess is mine would be materially reduced.  If I had that much time, where would purpose fit in? Why concern oneself with living purposefully when there is always tomorrow?  Knowing I am mortal focuses my attention on making the most of my limited time on earth.  Take purpose  away from me and I might as well play with my smart phone ten hours a day and top that off with several hours of Netflix.  Longevity is not in opposition to purpose, but it could readily take away its importance. Time has a wonderful way of clarifying one’s attention.

I would rather live deliberately and purposefully, and experience the richness and awe of life, than be in some contest as to who can outlive others without purpose.  As I get older, the notion of purpose becomes more urgent, precisely because there is an end in sight. 

Many of you may disagree with me and that is wonderful. Please  consider how central purpose is to your life and live/plan your finite life accordingly.

*: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvWtSUdOWVI

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

HAVING FEWER CARES

Between Covid, politics and elections, the economy and the environment, there seems to be no end to the number of things that one might be anxious about.  Unfortunately, anxiety is inversely correlated with well-being: the more anxious you are, the less you will feel well.

In the last few months, I have decided to:

·         stop watching the news before I go to bed,

·         avoid the newspapers with their sensationalist take on everything,

·          largely boycott violent or pointless movies. 

Essentially, I have put myself on a diet of reduced negative or unhelpful stimuli. I have removed from my agenda matters which are beyond my control or influence to positively improve. Instead, I look for hopeful or helpful experiences which can encourage a sense of gratitude and optimism.

Letting go of so much noise certainly has made my world much lighter and more manageable.  I have less concerns to worry about and feel less overwhelmed.  Having fewer cares is most empowering as you become more carefree.  This focuses your attention on what really matters, where to put your energy and resources and how not to get caught up in concerns beyond your control.  There are about a dozen things on my agenda that I pro-actively care about and for each it is solutions, not complaints, that I concern myself with.

One of the upsides is in realising where I can make a difference. I can align my priorities with my worries.  Take Covid, something on everyone’s hit-list of angsts.  Are you going to get all worked up about finding a vaccine, where the next hotspot is, who isn’t wearing a mask or how we are going to pay for the consequences?  Or will you sensibly, caringly, and non-judgmentally use physical distancing, wearing a mask and a smile to reduce its spread?  Or the environment: how about just doing your part to reduce your eco-footprint and picking up the litter near your home?

Having fewer cares actually means caring more about your local situation. It involves thinking about how you can enact change in line with your values. It significantly improves your wellness.  The calm which this optimism encourages naturally evokes gratitude, the ultimate well-being vitamin.

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

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DESSERTS

Last week, I visited a quaint bakery which had a wonderful and inspiring sign on the wall:

DESSERTS is STRESSED spelt backwards.

Just what I needed to see and do.  I don’t know about you, but I am getting Covid fatigue. Putting a wellness spin on these troubling times is beginning to wear thin and at times hollowing out.  I know it is okay to not be okay, but that doesn’t make being mindful and hopeful easy, pleasurable or purposeful.

This simple suggestion has become my quiet mantra as I must intentionally and mindfully re-frame these sterile and stressed times to keep my spirits up.  When I find my feels becoming challenged and negative, I remind myself of the DESSERTS versus STRESSED trade-off. 

I consciously ask questions such as: Where is the silver lining in my circumstances?  Where can I find stories with happy endings and exalt the positive aspects of our times? How can I frame my situation to encourage a hopeful, constructive outcome?  How much of my imagined situation is awfulizing and ruminating self-talk? What news articles or outlets should I avoid?  How can I neutralize the stress? Where is the dessert (peace and contentment)?

We have been in Covid lockdown mode for at least five months and there is more to come unfortunately.  What is your Covid mental health survival strategy?  What triggers and reminders do you need to activate  protect yourself against the gloom?

When you feel you are becoming stressed, think about desserts and frame your moment so it is sweeter and better.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

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YOUR FUTURE SELF

Everyone has a present and a future self. Your present self is how you see yourself in your own mind, today, as you are.  Your future self is the person you may imagine yourself to be in the future. Take a look at this future self:  How is this self the same or different from your present self?  Are you happier? Have you learned new skills? Are you kinder? A better partner? Are you healthier? Do you relate to this future self or are they so far removed from your present self that they are really a stranger? Is it a realistic prediction of who you could become, or is it more like a fantasy?

Hal Ersnere-Hershfield from UCLA has extensively researched how our present and future selves influence our long-term well-being.  Your future self significantly affects the trade-offs you make between your present and future circumstances.  He suggests that the less you actively contemplate the correlation between your present and future self, the greater the disconnect between the two will be, and the more your future self will be a fantasy figure.  Deferring gratification and strengthening your willpower are all about making your future self a better version of your present self.

Take for example, the issues of saving for retirement,  future education, fidelity, or healthier lifestyles.  The more you are mindful of the long term consequences of your immediate actions and how they could compromise or improve your future outcomes, the more these will be part of the trade-offs you make between the present moment and your future well-being.  Ersnere-Hershfield noted that those with strongly developed pictures of their future selves were better they at saving for retirement, managing  credit card debt, acting ethically and being purposely inclined.  He suggested that being dis-connected with one’s future self seemed to give one permission to ignore the consequences of one’s actions.*

Kelly McGonigal suggests three interesting ways to improve your awareness and accountability to your future self.  

1. Create a Future Memory. Imagining the future helps people delay gratification. You do not even need to think about the future rewards of delaying gratification – just thinking about the future seems to work.  When you picture the future, the brain begins to think more concretely and immediately about the consequences of your present choices. The more real and vivid the future feels, the more likely you are to decide in favour of things that your future self won’t regret.

2. Send an Email Message to Your Future Self.  Go to: www.FutureMe.org  and write an email that will be sent to you at a specified future date.  Describe to your future self what you are going to do now to help yourself meet your long-term goals. What are your hopes for your future self? What do you think you will be like? You can also imagine your future self looking back on your present self. What would your future self thank you for, if you were able to commit to it today? 

3. Imagine Your Future Self. Studies show that imagining your future self can increase your present self’s willpower. Can you imagine a hoped-for future self who is committed to the change, and reaping the benefits? Or a future self suffering the consequences of not changing? Let yourself daydream in vivid detail, imagining how you will feel, how you will look, and what pride, gratitude, or regret you will have for your past self’s choices. **

Your future self can be your best friend if you empower it to be your guiding light and inspiration for a wonderful future.

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

*: Future self-continuity: How conceptions of the future self transform intertemporal choice, Hershfield, H.E. (2011).

**: Maximum Willpower: How to master the new science of self-control, Kelly McGonigal

CELLS THAT FIRE TOGETHER, WIRE TOGETHER

Our brain is quite the awesome organ.  Who we are, what we do, how we think and feel, and pretty much everything else about us is largely determined and conditioned by our brain!  A big part of our wellness challenge is to make our brain our friend and ally.  Some scientific findings about the wiring of our brain are especially encouraging, as they can help us appreciate how much positive scope there is to intentionally change our present and future self.

The idea of brain cells firing and wiring together originated in 1949 when Donald Hebb coined the phrase.  Hebb suggested that the brain has neurons that electrically and physically wire together to allow for learning, memories, habits, and new behaviours.  Brain imaging later confirmed his conclusion.  When we learn, neurons form new connections which capture that learning,  Remembering occurs when we deliberately sustain these new connections.  Memories revisit these connections.  Enhanced understanding is when we network these connections into more complex clusters.  Habits are patterns of connections which fire together without our mindful attention.  Changing our behaviour means we must deliberately dis-connect existing wiring and re-program our mind to form new networks of responses to a given situation.  I am sure you have had the experience where suddenly “the light goes on” and something makes better sense; well that involves a lots of cells networking together and producing your own long term understanding of something: its hardwired into your brain.

One amazing discovery of this brain science is that we can intentionally wire or re-wire our brains to better become the person we want to be.  Remember, 40% of who we are is determined by our intentional thoughts** so we can change and re-frame how we experience and perceive our circumstances.   

I have discovered since learning about this cell wiring that I can encourage it and almost feel the circuitry occurring in my mind.  If you  know what you are trying to do with changing your behaviour it is wonderful to imagine what is going on within the wires of your mind.

An absolutely fascinating video which explores this topic can be found by following this link, well worth the 6 minutes and 11 seconds: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9K6GDBnByk

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*:  Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change, Sonja Lyubomirsky, Kennon M. Sheldon, David Schkade, Review of General Psychology 9(2):111-131 · June 2005

PROCRASTINATION

Being recently retired and having an abundance of time, I often find myself procrastinating far too much.  Add to this three month of lockdown and it is especially disappointing how little I can achieve in a day (or week).  This is affecting my sense of well-being.  Perhaps you can relate to my lethargy.   

Not surprisingly, there is lots of advice out there about how to be more productive and overcome waning self-determination.  Being a numbers person, I especially liked these two strategies to up my game:

The first strategy is “The 5 Second Rule”* popularized by Mel Robbins.  This simple rule is that when you have an impulse to do something, you have five seconds to act upon the urge before your sub-conscious highjacks your plan and you start to delay. Before you know it, nothing happens.  Whether it is getting out of bed and not hitting the snooze (for the second or third time), sending that email or completing that task the strategy is to Count backwards five, four, three, two, one, GO (or before) and act.  Don’t hesitate and start coming up with excuses to delay.

The second suggestion is called the 10-10-10 rule.**  The next time you are procrastinating, ask yourself how you will feel in 10 minutes, 10 hours and 10 days if you do (or don’t do) whatever it is you are stalling on.  At the very least, if you do something that nagging feeling will be gone, and more likely that step in the right direction will make you day better.

The reason both these strategies work is because the brain has three imperatives (that we must defeat):

-         The brain is locked in an epic battle with itself, between the instinct for the quickest reaction (emotion) and the most optimal reaction (logic).

-         The brain wants as much pleasure as possible, as fast as possible; an absence of pain and discomfort will also do in most cases. Speed is of the essence for the brain.

-         The brain never wants to sacrifice anything pleasurable. **

To be more productive we must slow the brain down, add logic and reason to the situation and sacrifice immediate pleasure for greater purpose later.  Put another way, we must trick the brain into believing the future will be bigger and better than our natural instincts assume. Or follow the Nike suggestion, and JUST DO IT!!

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*:  "The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage" by Mel Robbins 

**:  "Neuro-Discipline: Everyday Neuroscience for Self-Discipline, Focus, and Defeating Your Brain’s Impulsive and Distracted Nature" by Peter Hollins

AMYGDALA or HIPPOCAMPUS?*

The more I research well-being, the more interested I become in neuroscience. It suggests that parts of our brain have an important role in maintaining our well-being.

Neuroscience has found that there are two lobes in the frontal cortex that are designed to manage our fight-or-flight, fast thinking instinct.  The dominant one is the amygdala. This is where memories of anxious or dangerous experiences from your formative years are stored.  It acts as an early warning system:  if the current moment resembles this past memory, it is time to react quickly and instinctively.  The amygdala’s role (especially 100,000 years ago) was to  ensure we reacted quickly to impending danger: better safe than sorry was its mantra.  Unfortunately, the amygdala has not had its software updated since 100,000 BC. Therefore, it is less suited for our relatively safe 2020 AD.  Steve Peters might describe the amygdala as the ‘chimp in our Chimp Paradox’, a wary friend or foe that requires constant monitoring.

The hippocampus is a more recent addition (10,000 BC) to our brain’s artillery.  Its role is to slowly and logically size-up a situation, aiming to find a rational response to whatever confronts us.  The hippocampus also stores memories, including positive ones, and more thoughtful and complex memories of challenging situations. Rather than reacting instantly, the hippocampus ponders the moment and frames it in a more balanced manner.  However, the highly emotional amygdala reacts six times faster than its slower, logical hippocampus.

“So what?” you reasonably ask. Well,  our brain can be re-programmed because of its  neuroplastic nature; our minds can be retrained to frame and reframe memories differently. 

"Reframing, as defined in the textbook ‘Contemporary Behaviour Therapy’ is the cognitive restructuring of maladaptive thinking processes and substituting those for more workable cognitions. Cognitive restructuring therapy maintains that people construct their realities based on what is important, meaningful, and real to them. In other words, the interpretations you assign to an event, rather than the actual event itself, determines its effect on your emotions. Reframing will allow you to reconstruct your thoughts, in order to view circumstances from a new perspective, thus leading you to feel more positive about that same circumstance and, therefore, to feel less fear or stress."#

Simply put, your overactive and emotional amygdala can be tamed by reframing your more challenging moments: you can give your hippocampus a chance to get involved.  Rather than fight or flight, there is a reframing of the moment as you pause and add some rational thinking in to the mix.  Your hippocampus can be habitually retrained to be a bit more assertive.

Please be kind, patient and thoughtful to your partner and others.

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*:  Some of the insights from this reflection come from either:

#: Reframe Your Viewpoints: How to Gradually Redirect Anxiety Energy to Unlock Confidence by Virginia Ritterbusch

The Chimp Paradox: The Acclaimed Mind Management Programme to Help You Achieve Success, Confidence and Happiness by Steve Peters

Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman

KINDNESS, PATIENCE, THOUGHTFULNESS

Look carefully at your most prized relationships and ask:  “What is the most essential ingredient in these relationships?”  Yes, love.  But love is a rather vague catch-all word.  How about kindness, patience and thoughtfulness?  Wouldn’t it be awesome if you gave and received these unconditional expressions of love?

As these words are so rich and subjective, I thought it might be useful to look up their definitions in Wikipedia.  And here is what I learned:

Kindness is as the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.

Affection, gentleness, warmth, concern, and care are words that are associated with kindness.  

Patience is a person's ability to wait something out or endure something tedious, without getting riled up.

Thoughtfulness is showing consideration for others; considerate, being mindful or heedful of the well-being of others.

Your relationships would likely appreciate extra dosages of kindness, patience and thoughtfulness, but how do you make that happen?  Start by consciously putting in these same ingredients.  When matters get harried, consider which would be the best medicine, or ponder whether there is tension because they are lacking.  When everything is going well, observe how mindfully upping the amount of kindness, patience and/or thoughtfulness makes that moment even better.  Also, be alert to when you receive these responses from others and note how it improves your relationship.

Once you have done several proactive experiments with these emotions, share what you have learned with your partner or friends.  Encourage them to be open to using kindness, patience and thoughtfulness to show and receive affection.

Mindfully giving and receiving kindness, patience and thoughtfulness certainly improves any relationship.  Do some experimenting and see what happens.  Nothing to lose, and everything to gain!

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LETTING GO

Anyone that tells you that letting go is easy is understating the challenge of actually letting go.  Clinging to past misdeeds, regrets or current challenges can hold you back and undermine your well-being.

When it comes to matters of the past, letting go means either forgiving the wrong doer and/or resolving to learn from your misfortune and not let it happen again.  If the pain continues to haunt you, discuss the matter with cherished friends or get professional counseling.  The worst thing you can do is to harbour or ruminate on this past transgression, as you get stuck in an unhelpful rut of anger, regret, remorse and anxiety.

Letting go of an anxiety about a present or prospective matter is a different issue.  The process starts by identifying: “What is it that I am letting go of?”  Is it the challenge itself, THAT person and my reaction thereto, the annoyance, the uncertainty, or something else?                                                                        

For me, letting go is largely about giving up control over the outcome and accepting that the resolution is beyond my influence.   Rather, I focus on what I can do about this situation.  I focus on the idea that there is something I can change, and change it if I can.  Planning, carefully considering the pros and cons, and pondering alternatives are actions which are TOTALLY UNDER MY CONTROL.  It is effortful to contemplate and execute these controllable actions, which makes letting go of the consequences easier, because I know I have done my very best.

Like strategies to improve your confidence, it is useful to distinguish between effort (which you have control over) and results (which can be beyond your control).  Having confidence that you gave your best effort improves the likelihood that better outcomes will result.  Similarly, focusing on your effort and preparation makes letting go easier and more consoling.   Anxiously dwelling on outcomes beyond your control cannot be helpful or constructive. 

Focus on what you can change or control and put your effort there, then let go of the rest.

Or, put another way, known as the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

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SELF ADVISING

The psychologist Dr. Steve Peter suggested a clever way to identify who you are and how you might advise yourself accordingly.  He used the following scenario. *

"Imagine you are 100 years old and on your death bed with one minute left to live.  Your great-great-grand child asks you. “Before you die, tell me what I should do with my life” (1)

Pause for a moment and try to honestly answer the question within the next minute. You have just one minute, starting now. When the time is up and you have worked out what you would say to them, then continue reading.

Answering this question will identify what is important to you, what is the essence of who you are and what really matters to you. It is what life is all about to you. It is your raison d’etre, your reason for being.  Many of you will answer with statements such as, ‘it doesn’t matter what you do’, ‘be happy’, ‘don’t worry’, ‘take more risks’ and ‘make the most of it’. Whatever your advice was to your great-great-grandchild is really the advice to yourself. If you are not living by this advice, which is the essence of your existence, you are living a lie. Don’t live a lie; it will unsettle you more than anything else.”

It is highly likely that the “YOU you want to be” and the “YOU you are” are not the same.  You, like almost everyone else, are somewhat lying to yourself.  Re-solving this riddle is beyond a two minute reflection, but taking your own self-advice to others is a good place to start. If you are keen to unpack your self-mystery, do read ‘The Chimp Paradox’ (noted below): a clever, humorous, lay-person’s guide to brain science and wellness.

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"The Chimp Paradox: The Acclaimed Mind Management Programme to Help You Achieve Success, Confidence and Happiness" by Steve Peters

(1) Bertrand Russell said something along the same line when he noted, “I feel as if one would only discover on one’s death-bed what one ought to have lived for.”

NEUROPLASTICITY

A part of me used to believe that I cannot change, that what you see is what you get.  I was finished goods and largely set to stay the way I was.  Fortunately that is not true, one can change in often significant ways.  Scientifically this ability to change or “re-wire” the brain is called neuroplasticity. An adult’s mind is somewhat like plastic and can be re-shaped. What a wonderful possibility! One can become a better person, and well-being is a real possibility.  As positive psychology research has found, around 40% of our well-being is a function of our intentions and willful actions.  That’s a lot of scope for change and improvement.

But how?  To start, change is not automatic or unconscious, you have to be aware and intentional.  Habits take on average take 66 days of practice to be routine and part of your natural repertoire.  So be modest, and take baby steps that are within your reach. 

If you want to become, for example, more thoughtful, seek out or plan multiple daily situations where being thoughtful could be exhibited.  Re-frame the way you see and do things through a “thoughtful” lens.  Observe in others examples of thoughtfulness.  Bring thoughtfulness for others into your conversations.  Make those close to you aware of your new mission and ask them to acknowledge and praise you when you act thoughtfully.   Ponder the depth and breadth of thoughtfulness, how it has many characteristics and expressions.  Journalize your thoughtful achievements.  Pride in one’s success is one of the more positive emotions, so use it to encourage yourself that you are succeeding.  Expect setbacks and bad days.  Over those 66 plus days your brain will be subtly re-programmed to become more thoughtful. 

Neuroplasticity, being able to change for the better, enables your well-being to grow.  Positive change is deliberate, gradual, and awkward at times, but immensely rewarding.  So go for it.

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HAPPENSTANCE

Happenstance can be defined as circumstances that seem to be due to chance, especially those causing fortunate results. But are they really? So much of my life has been blessed by allowing for and/or seeking out such moments.

For example, when I travel one of my guiding principles is: “When in doubt, turn left.”  The corollary of this travel tip is: “Get lost.” If I am walking down a street in a calm neighborhood and I see a side-street on my left, that’s where I go. I have been amazed by the number of curious sights I have come across, or interesting characters I have met.  Most of my wonderful memories occur when I am lost.

When I am alone in a crowd I often greet the person next to me with a respectful question that starts with” Hello my friend ….?”   Rarely has that person been other than keen to answer or help.  Almost without exception those I interacted with were helpful, open and eager to be helpful. 

Similarly, my definition of success is when preparation meets opportunity.    Setting yourself up for more success requires one to cause deliberate happenstance.  Put yourself in opportune circumstances and then risk being notable and present. 

To improve the effectiveness of this strategy it is recommended that you start by ensuring that the environment is SAFE, however you define safety. Recognize that you are likely at the edge of your comfort zone, and that is good, so risk being in this zone.  Acknowledge you are letting go of control and then LET GO.  Please be respectful of others that you will engage with. Count backwards from 5 to 0 and GO for it. 

Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable to new situations and people empowers several of our strongest positive emotions: awe, interest, and curiosity.  Push yourself to the limits of your comfort zone, and make it bigger. If you are coming from a good place, so often taking chances in this way will bless you richly.

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THE GOLDEN RULE PLUS

The Golden Rule wisely states:

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

This is an excellent guideline, but can this rule become less of a maximum and more of a minimum?  For example, how about:

Do unto others AT LEAST as you would have others do unto you. 

So what? you comment: what is the intended difference?  The basic Golden Rule can occasionally sound like a quid-pro-quod, reciprocity arrangement.  It can feel like a barter arrangement or expectation management process: fair trade which is indeed equitable and useful BUT….. can we do better?

By adding “at least”, the most powerful well-being exercise is enabled, which is kindness or better still, random acts of kindness.  Doing three acts of kindness a week (preferably on the same day) will improve your well-being.  The harder you push the kindness, and the more random and anonymous it is, the more enhancing to your spirits it becomes.

Going the exact mile is easy as the road is rarely crowded.*  The second mile is generally even easier than the first.  The momentum of your kindness is already in play and the rewards for others (and yourself) actually scales up and multiples. As Matthieu Ricard notes, altruism** is one of the defining and highest of human ambitions, enabling wellness and joyfulness.  By adding, AT LEAST to the Golden Rule the bounty of kindness and compassion is brought more clearly into focus and practice.

Being kind or altruistic until it begins to bite or seem inconvenient has the wonderful quality of making our compassion and charity feel special and uplifting.  Practice doing unto others as you would have them do unto you, regularly, and then once in the while, push a little harder or further.  Like any exercise, this extra excursion strengthens your kindness muscles and make you more naturally compassionate.

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*: Wayne Dryer

**: Matthieu Ricard, Altruism, The Science and Psychology of Kindness

-FUL

The suffix “FUL” is an extremely empowering additive to life and well-being. Consider the follow “FUL” words:

Wonderful, grateful, peaceful, joyful, mindful, hopeful, beautiful, cheerful, thoughtful, respectful, insightful, trustful, truthful, faithful, thankful, fruitful,  merciful, meaningful, plentiful ..

What makes these “FUL” words so inspiring is that it implies one is FULL OF these positive emotions.  Not only is one FULL but also in the present moment or mindful.  MindFULness can be defined as the process of purposely bringing one's attention to experiences occurring in the present moment without judgment.  Mindfulness is a state of being where one is “FULL of the mind”.  You are totally in the present moment in a non-judgemental manner.  You let the moment fill you.  In advance you might set the intentions for your mindfulness.  By deliberately choosing those uplifting FUL emotions to fill the moment with you can improve your spirits materially.

If you imagine these “FUL” words and reverse the order so they start with “FULL OF” it can change your spirits and well-being quickly.  Wonderful becomes “full of wonder” or peaceful becomes “full of peace”.   Thankful becomes “full of thanks”.  Not only does the emotion feel different, it also feels more real, immediate and personal. *

As the name of this blog asks:  Is your glass half FULL, half empty or YOU JUST NEED A SMALLER CUP?  What is expected is that this cup is filled with these positive feelings of well-being.

Challenge yourself to be FULL and even FULLER of the wonder of the present moment. Enjoy the fullness of life by letting the wonders of life fill you.

*: Curious one of the most used FUL word is awful.  However, awful’s root is to be full of awe or being inspired, which is anything but awful, rather is awe-full.

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DON’T BELIEVE OR ACT UPON EVERYTHING YOU THINK

The ten - seventy thousand thoughts we think each and every day are not us (see April 9th for more on this issue). If we reduce these thousands of thoughts to those few that we make actionable, there is still a need for caution.  Why? Because a large percentage of these thoughts are not true and largely based on conjecture, incomplete information, false assumptions or emotional fast thinking.  And other are just not helpful or constructive.

Our mind is programmed to react quickly and instinctively to uncertain or potentially threatening stimuli.  The “better safe than sorry” response was essential to survival until very recently.  It was not useful to ponder whether that danger was real or imagined.  It was better to run, seek shelter or be on guard lest the threat was real.  Yet we continue this tradition of not questioning our assumptions, sources of information or expectations and going forward on mis-truths or wrong conclusions.  Far too often what we believe is other that true.  Rather what we believe is often convenience to our prior prejudices, goals or status quo.

Dan Milman noted that:  “You don’t have to control your thoughts.  You must stop letting them control you.”   Even if our thoughts are correct and complete, are they helpful or hopeful?  Just like questioning what we believe, we should also be on guard about why we believe them and whether that conclusion is going to make us a better person. 

Many of our truthful thoughts are dysfunctional and distracting.  Willpower, mindfulness and resolve needs to be applied to manage our speculative imagination and thinking.  Asking where these thoughts are taking us is useful. Are we ruminating?  Are our thoughts appealing to our better or worst nature?  Are these thoughts building us up or bring us down? 

We need to act like a principled judge and jury when we cede control of our thoughts and convert them into actions.  We should pick and choose those very few thoughts which are true, helpful, hopeful and well-being focused, and let them direct our actions. 

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ANGRY OR DISAPPOINTED?

I don’t know about you, but when I am caught up in traffic, or someone does something that I think is untoward, I can quickly become very angry. Perhaps you have had instances where better anger management would have been helpful.  Instead you got yourself into an unpleasant or uncomfortable situation and said or did something you later regretted.  Is there a cure to not losing your temper?

More recently when I have faced these anger testing moments, I have actively sought to re-frame and re-phrase this tension with a different emotion.  Instead of being angry I CHOOSE to be disappointed or discouraged. 

Reframing anger to being disappointed, discouraged, displeasured or dis-anything starts with a conscious and deliberate choice of pausing.  This breaks the almost instantaneous cycle of fight or flight into a recess and lets us step back and reflect for a moment.   Then, by changing the lens that I use to see the situation, my temperament also changes.  I move from an external desire to lash out to an internal examination of what is really troubling me.  Yes, someone wronged me, but rather than venting outwardly I just absorb the blow and process the event as impersonal, letting go of as much of the negative energy as possible.  At the end of the day wasn’t my anger really disappointment? I was discouraged and frustrated by the situation.

The wonderful thing about being disappointed or discouraged is that it allows me to question the WHY behind my tension.  After all, anger at its root started as an offensive survival skill when times were very dangerous and hostile. Hopefully, I begin to recognize that much of my frustration is related to my assumptions about the situation.  Often if there is a cause to my anxiety it is based in myself. The best thing to do is move along and ask what can I learn from what just happened. 

Pausing and challenging my beliefs and reframing the angry moments as disappoints certainly has reduced the sting when things go pear-shaped.  These discouragements encourage me to learn and accept increased responsibility for my own circumstances and my reactions thereto.

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IS OUR FRIGHT USEFUL OR NECESSARY?

Fright can undermine much of our well-being, especially if it is left unchecked and permitted to grow.  We can be fearful of some uncertainty or situation and conjure up anxious outcomes.  But are our fearful thoughts warranted or were we just caught off-balance?  Fright is akin to being momentarily scared, but does that mean things are really dangerous or life threatening?

Historically, having a cautious nature was essential to one’s survival and safety, as danger was everywhere and medical treatment was practically non-existent.  A broken leg or open wound was very life threatening.  The average life span until the start of the twentieth century was between 30 and 40 years, whereas now it is 80 or over for those living in the West.  Have we re-wired our thinking to today’s world? Or are we living in some media invented other reality?  The media is constantly telling us that we are at serious risk from too much fat in our diets, or criminality, or airplane crashes or threats from terrorism– and all of these can make us overly anxious. Remember, good news does not sell, as it is too boring.

Frightening things are about perceived (or imagined) risks, whereas dangerous things are about real risks.  Between innovations, regulations, standards, medical advances and education, the world has never been as safe as it is now.  Being frightened is largely an emotional, not a rational reaction.  Put very bluntly, if you were to die only because of unnatural or dangerous events (that is, other than age related illnesses and circumstances), on average you would live to be 2,800 years old.  Based on this simple but valid statistic our world is EXTREMELY safe and secure.

Getting to grips with your anxiety will help you sleep better. Please consider investigating the FACTFULNESS* book noted below, it provides the data and research to support a less dangerous view of our reality.  It is a fascinating and reassuring read.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: Factfulness: Ten Reasons We're Wrong About The World - And Why Things Are Better Than You Think by Hans Rosling, Ola Rosling, Anna Rosling Rönnlund

CURIOUS?!?

The world and what you and I know about it is changing at an alarming pace. What we were taught seems to be less relevant or timely with each passing day.  How does one stay ahead or on top of what is current or useful? Additionally, just behind us is artificial intelligence, which is challenging our employment prospects. The standard response is lifelong learning.  I agree that lifelong learning is a useful defensive measure, but what might be a more effective offensive strategy?

Let’s use my area of expertise, financial accounting, as an example.  When I was learning the trade in the 70’s one could largely master most of the body of knowledge with a reasonable degree of diligence.  When I taught it, things began to change as more and more issues were raised and addressed, in an increasingly complex world.  Specialists emerged, where previously there were few areas of specialist expertise. Now that approach is falling short for the generalists and the specialists, as there is just so much information and not enough time to absorb it all.

My suggestion when confronting the challenges of the knowledge explosion and artificial intelligence is to apply our uniquely human quality of CURIOUSITY to the situation.  We need to risk being truly curious about what ever newness we are confronting.  Rather than being trained and re-trained, we must become fully engaged in the marvel of whatever new or novel learning confronts us.

To me, curiosity is the blending together of at least eight of the ten positive emotions*, being joy, savouring (remembering), interest, hope, amusement, inspiration, love and awe, applied to our area of expertise and life more generally.  Learning and knowledge growth is most effective when one is joyfully and actively engaged. Being curious means investing in order to grow and internally prosper. Artificial Intelligence will never be able to beat us on emotional curiosity.

Let’s use our “curiosity” advantage to our advantage.

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*: See 26th February, 2019 for more detail of the ten positive emotions

THE FIVE MINUTE ETHICS COURSE

I will never forget one particular learning experience:  a student of mine taught me a method to test whether an action was ethical or not, all in under five minutes.  I have experimented with the system he taught me and it seems pretty much bullet proof. 

If you are confronted with an ethical dilemma and your answer is a confident YES TO ALL THREE of these questions, it is highly likely that what you are contemplating IS ETHICAL.  If one answer is a NO, then you are likely offside.

First, apply the Golden Rule Test, which is: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. (Or the Confucian form which is: Don’t do unto others as you would not have others do unto you.)  If someone did what you are considering to you would you be offended, harmed or displeased?  Reciprocity or tit-for-tat is an essential test for much of our behaviour.

Second, the Role Model Test, which is:  If you were a parent would you want your child to do what you are considering?  Would you want to set this action up as an example which your offspring would follow and consider “normal”? Is this the type of role modeling you want to promote?

Third, the Front Page Test, which is: If you had editorial privilege and the entire front page of the newspaper, could you fully explain and justify your action to an objective, informed and diligent reader?  By definition, ethical dilemmas are complex, full of contextual details and awkward trade-offs.  Would a thoughtful and independent observer, after evaluating the full circumstance of your situation, decide in your favour, or at least give you the benefit of the doubt? 

I have shared these tests with many and pondered them, appraising situations I have heard about or experienced through their lens. I would recommend this five minute ethics course as highly effective, and a good primer for life.  It is simple enough to teach young children, and robust enough to guide seasoned professionals.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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