CELLS THAT FIRE TOGETHER, WIRE TOGETHER

Our brain is quite the awesome organ.  Who we are, what we do, how we think and feel, and pretty much everything else about us is largely determined and conditioned by our brain!  A big part of our wellness challenge is to make our brain our friend and ally.  Some scientific findings about the wiring of our brain are especially encouraging, as they can help us appreciate how much positive scope there is to intentionally change our present and future self.

The idea of brain cells firing and wiring together originated in 1949 when Donald Hebb coined the phrase.  Hebb suggested that the brain has neurons that electrically and physically wire together to allow for learning, memories, habits, and new behaviours.  Brain imaging later confirmed his conclusion.  When we learn, neurons form new connections which capture that learning,  Remembering occurs when we deliberately sustain these new connections.  Memories revisit these connections.  Enhanced understanding is when we network these connections into more complex clusters.  Habits are patterns of connections which fire together without our mindful attention.  Changing our behaviour means we must deliberately dis-connect existing wiring and re-program our mind to form new networks of responses to a given situation.  I am sure you have had the experience where suddenly “the light goes on” and something makes better sense; well that involves a lots of cells networking together and producing your own long term understanding of something: its hardwired into your brain.

One amazing discovery of this brain science is that we can intentionally wire or re-wire our brains to better become the person we want to be.  Remember, 40% of who we are is determined by our intentional thoughts** so we can change and re-frame how we experience and perceive our circumstances.   

I have discovered since learning about this cell wiring that I can encourage it and almost feel the circuitry occurring in my mind.  If you  know what you are trying to do with changing your behaviour it is wonderful to imagine what is going on within the wires of your mind.

An absolutely fascinating video which explores this topic can be found by following this link, well worth the 6 minutes and 11 seconds: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9K6GDBnByk

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*:  Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change, Sonja Lyubomirsky, Kennon M. Sheldon, David Schkade, Review of General Psychology 9(2):111-131 · June 2005

PROCRASTINATION

Being recently retired and having an abundance of time, I often find myself procrastinating far too much.  Add to this three month of lockdown and it is especially disappointing how little I can achieve in a day (or week).  This is affecting my sense of well-being.  Perhaps you can relate to my lethargy.   

Not surprisingly, there is lots of advice out there about how to be more productive and overcome waning self-determination.  Being a numbers person, I especially liked these two strategies to up my game:

The first strategy is “The 5 Second Rule”* popularized by Mel Robbins.  This simple rule is that when you have an impulse to do something, you have five seconds to act upon the urge before your sub-conscious highjacks your plan and you start to delay. Before you know it, nothing happens.  Whether it is getting out of bed and not hitting the snooze (for the second or third time), sending that email or completing that task the strategy is to Count backwards five, four, three, two, one, GO (or before) and act.  Don’t hesitate and start coming up with excuses to delay.

The second suggestion is called the 10-10-10 rule.**  The next time you are procrastinating, ask yourself how you will feel in 10 minutes, 10 hours and 10 days if you do (or don’t do) whatever it is you are stalling on.  At the very least, if you do something that nagging feeling will be gone, and more likely that step in the right direction will make you day better.

The reason both these strategies work is because the brain has three imperatives (that we must defeat):

-         The brain is locked in an epic battle with itself, between the instinct for the quickest reaction (emotion) and the most optimal reaction (logic).

-         The brain wants as much pleasure as possible, as fast as possible; an absence of pain and discomfort will also do in most cases. Speed is of the essence for the brain.

-         The brain never wants to sacrifice anything pleasurable. **

To be more productive we must slow the brain down, add logic and reason to the situation and sacrifice immediate pleasure for greater purpose later.  Put another way, we must trick the brain into believing the future will be bigger and better than our natural instincts assume. Or follow the Nike suggestion, and JUST DO IT!!

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*:  "The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage" by Mel Robbins 

**:  "Neuro-Discipline: Everyday Neuroscience for Self-Discipline, Focus, and Defeating Your Brain’s Impulsive and Distracted Nature" by Peter Hollins

AMYGDALA or HIPPOCAMPUS?*

The more I research well-being, the more interested I become in neuroscience. It suggests that parts of our brain have an important role in maintaining our well-being.

Neuroscience has found that there are two lobes in the frontal cortex that are designed to manage our fight-or-flight, fast thinking instinct.  The dominant one is the amygdala. This is where memories of anxious or dangerous experiences from your formative years are stored.  It acts as an early warning system:  if the current moment resembles this past memory, it is time to react quickly and instinctively.  The amygdala’s role (especially 100,000 years ago) was to  ensure we reacted quickly to impending danger: better safe than sorry was its mantra.  Unfortunately, the amygdala has not had its software updated since 100,000 BC. Therefore, it is less suited for our relatively safe 2020 AD.  Steve Peters might describe the amygdala as the ‘chimp in our Chimp Paradox’, a wary friend or foe that requires constant monitoring.

The hippocampus is a more recent addition (10,000 BC) to our brain’s artillery.  Its role is to slowly and logically size-up a situation, aiming to find a rational response to whatever confronts us.  The hippocampus also stores memories, including positive ones, and more thoughtful and complex memories of challenging situations. Rather than reacting instantly, the hippocampus ponders the moment and frames it in a more balanced manner.  However, the highly emotional amygdala reacts six times faster than its slower, logical hippocampus.

“So what?” you reasonably ask. Well,  our brain can be re-programmed because of its  neuroplastic nature; our minds can be retrained to frame and reframe memories differently. 

"Reframing, as defined in the textbook ‘Contemporary Behaviour Therapy’ is the cognitive restructuring of maladaptive thinking processes and substituting those for more workable cognitions. Cognitive restructuring therapy maintains that people construct their realities based on what is important, meaningful, and real to them. In other words, the interpretations you assign to an event, rather than the actual event itself, determines its effect on your emotions. Reframing will allow you to reconstruct your thoughts, in order to view circumstances from a new perspective, thus leading you to feel more positive about that same circumstance and, therefore, to feel less fear or stress."#

Simply put, your overactive and emotional amygdala can be tamed by reframing your more challenging moments: you can give your hippocampus a chance to get involved.  Rather than fight or flight, there is a reframing of the moment as you pause and add some rational thinking in to the mix.  Your hippocampus can be habitually retrained to be a bit more assertive.

Please be kind, patient and thoughtful to your partner and others.

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*:  Some of the insights from this reflection come from either:

#: Reframe Your Viewpoints: How to Gradually Redirect Anxiety Energy to Unlock Confidence by Virginia Ritterbusch

The Chimp Paradox: The Acclaimed Mind Management Programme to Help You Achieve Success, Confidence and Happiness by Steve Peters

Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman

KINDNESS, PATIENCE, THOUGHTFULNESS

Look carefully at your most prized relationships and ask:  “What is the most essential ingredient in these relationships?”  Yes, love.  But love is a rather vague catch-all word.  How about kindness, patience and thoughtfulness?  Wouldn’t it be awesome if you gave and received these unconditional expressions of love?

As these words are so rich and subjective, I thought it might be useful to look up their definitions in Wikipedia.  And here is what I learned:

Kindness is as the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.

Affection, gentleness, warmth, concern, and care are words that are associated with kindness.  

Patience is a person's ability to wait something out or endure something tedious, without getting riled up.

Thoughtfulness is showing consideration for others; considerate, being mindful or heedful of the well-being of others.

Your relationships would likely appreciate extra dosages of kindness, patience and thoughtfulness, but how do you make that happen?  Start by consciously putting in these same ingredients.  When matters get harried, consider which would be the best medicine, or ponder whether there is tension because they are lacking.  When everything is going well, observe how mindfully upping the amount of kindness, patience and/or thoughtfulness makes that moment even better.  Also, be alert to when you receive these responses from others and note how it improves your relationship.

Once you have done several proactive experiments with these emotions, share what you have learned with your partner or friends.  Encourage them to be open to using kindness, patience and thoughtfulness to show and receive affection.

Mindfully giving and receiving kindness, patience and thoughtfulness certainly improves any relationship.  Do some experimenting and see what happens.  Nothing to lose, and everything to gain!

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LETTING GO

Anyone that tells you that letting go is easy is understating the challenge of actually letting go.  Clinging to past misdeeds, regrets or current challenges can hold you back and undermine your well-being.

When it comes to matters of the past, letting go means either forgiving the wrong doer and/or resolving to learn from your misfortune and not let it happen again.  If the pain continues to haunt you, discuss the matter with cherished friends or get professional counseling.  The worst thing you can do is to harbour or ruminate on this past transgression, as you get stuck in an unhelpful rut of anger, regret, remorse and anxiety.

Letting go of an anxiety about a present or prospective matter is a different issue.  The process starts by identifying: “What is it that I am letting go of?”  Is it the challenge itself, THAT person and my reaction thereto, the annoyance, the uncertainty, or something else?                                                                        

For me, letting go is largely about giving up control over the outcome and accepting that the resolution is beyond my influence.   Rather, I focus on what I can do about this situation.  I focus on the idea that there is something I can change, and change it if I can.  Planning, carefully considering the pros and cons, and pondering alternatives are actions which are TOTALLY UNDER MY CONTROL.  It is effortful to contemplate and execute these controllable actions, which makes letting go of the consequences easier, because I know I have done my very best.

Like strategies to improve your confidence, it is useful to distinguish between effort (which you have control over) and results (which can be beyond your control).  Having confidence that you gave your best effort improves the likelihood that better outcomes will result.  Similarly, focusing on your effort and preparation makes letting go easier and more consoling.   Anxiously dwelling on outcomes beyond your control cannot be helpful or constructive. 

Focus on what you can change or control and put your effort there, then let go of the rest.

Or, put another way, known as the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

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SELF ADVISING

The psychologist Dr. Steve Peter suggested a clever way to identify who you are and how you might advise yourself accordingly.  He used the following scenario. *

"Imagine you are 100 years old and on your death bed with one minute left to live.  Your great-great-grand child asks you. “Before you die, tell me what I should do with my life” (1)

Pause for a moment and try to honestly answer the question within the next minute. You have just one minute, starting now. When the time is up and you have worked out what you would say to them, then continue reading.

Answering this question will identify what is important to you, what is the essence of who you are and what really matters to you. It is what life is all about to you. It is your raison d’etre, your reason for being.  Many of you will answer with statements such as, ‘it doesn’t matter what you do’, ‘be happy’, ‘don’t worry’, ‘take more risks’ and ‘make the most of it’. Whatever your advice was to your great-great-grandchild is really the advice to yourself. If you are not living by this advice, which is the essence of your existence, you are living a lie. Don’t live a lie; it will unsettle you more than anything else.”

It is highly likely that the “YOU you want to be” and the “YOU you are” are not the same.  You, like almost everyone else, are somewhat lying to yourself.  Re-solving this riddle is beyond a two minute reflection, but taking your own self-advice to others is a good place to start. If you are keen to unpack your self-mystery, do read ‘The Chimp Paradox’ (noted below): a clever, humorous, lay-person’s guide to brain science and wellness.

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"The Chimp Paradox: The Acclaimed Mind Management Programme to Help You Achieve Success, Confidence and Happiness" by Steve Peters

(1) Bertrand Russell said something along the same line when he noted, “I feel as if one would only discover on one’s death-bed what one ought to have lived for.”

NEUROPLASTICITY

A part of me used to believe that I cannot change, that what you see is what you get.  I was finished goods and largely set to stay the way I was.  Fortunately that is not true, one can change in often significant ways.  Scientifically this ability to change or “re-wire” the brain is called neuroplasticity. An adult’s mind is somewhat like plastic and can be re-shaped. What a wonderful possibility! One can become a better person, and well-being is a real possibility.  As positive psychology research has found, around 40% of our well-being is a function of our intentions and willful actions.  That’s a lot of scope for change and improvement.

But how?  To start, change is not automatic or unconscious, you have to be aware and intentional.  Habits take on average take 66 days of practice to be routine and part of your natural repertoire.  So be modest, and take baby steps that are within your reach. 

If you want to become, for example, more thoughtful, seek out or plan multiple daily situations where being thoughtful could be exhibited.  Re-frame the way you see and do things through a “thoughtful” lens.  Observe in others examples of thoughtfulness.  Bring thoughtfulness for others into your conversations.  Make those close to you aware of your new mission and ask them to acknowledge and praise you when you act thoughtfully.   Ponder the depth and breadth of thoughtfulness, how it has many characteristics and expressions.  Journalize your thoughtful achievements.  Pride in one’s success is one of the more positive emotions, so use it to encourage yourself that you are succeeding.  Expect setbacks and bad days.  Over those 66 plus days your brain will be subtly re-programmed to become more thoughtful. 

Neuroplasticity, being able to change for the better, enables your well-being to grow.  Positive change is deliberate, gradual, and awkward at times, but immensely rewarding.  So go for it.

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HAPPENSTANCE

Happenstance can be defined as circumstances that seem to be due to chance, especially those causing fortunate results. But are they really? So much of my life has been blessed by allowing for and/or seeking out such moments.

For example, when I travel one of my guiding principles is: “When in doubt, turn left.”  The corollary of this travel tip is: “Get lost.” If I am walking down a street in a calm neighborhood and I see a side-street on my left, that’s where I go. I have been amazed by the number of curious sights I have come across, or interesting characters I have met.  Most of my wonderful memories occur when I am lost.

When I am alone in a crowd I often greet the person next to me with a respectful question that starts with” Hello my friend ….?”   Rarely has that person been other than keen to answer or help.  Almost without exception those I interacted with were helpful, open and eager to be helpful. 

Similarly, my definition of success is when preparation meets opportunity.    Setting yourself up for more success requires one to cause deliberate happenstance.  Put yourself in opportune circumstances and then risk being notable and present. 

To improve the effectiveness of this strategy it is recommended that you start by ensuring that the environment is SAFE, however you define safety. Recognize that you are likely at the edge of your comfort zone, and that is good, so risk being in this zone.  Acknowledge you are letting go of control and then LET GO.  Please be respectful of others that you will engage with. Count backwards from 5 to 0 and GO for it. 

Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable to new situations and people empowers several of our strongest positive emotions: awe, interest, and curiosity.  Push yourself to the limits of your comfort zone, and make it bigger. If you are coming from a good place, so often taking chances in this way will bless you richly.

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THE GOLDEN RULE PLUS

The Golden Rule wisely states:

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

This is an excellent guideline, but can this rule become less of a maximum and more of a minimum?  For example, how about:

Do unto others AT LEAST as you would have others do unto you. 

So what? you comment: what is the intended difference?  The basic Golden Rule can occasionally sound like a quid-pro-quod, reciprocity arrangement.  It can feel like a barter arrangement or expectation management process: fair trade which is indeed equitable and useful BUT….. can we do better?

By adding “at least”, the most powerful well-being exercise is enabled, which is kindness or better still, random acts of kindness.  Doing three acts of kindness a week (preferably on the same day) will improve your well-being.  The harder you push the kindness, and the more random and anonymous it is, the more enhancing to your spirits it becomes.

Going the exact mile is easy as the road is rarely crowded.*  The second mile is generally even easier than the first.  The momentum of your kindness is already in play and the rewards for others (and yourself) actually scales up and multiples. As Matthieu Ricard notes, altruism** is one of the defining and highest of human ambitions, enabling wellness and joyfulness.  By adding, AT LEAST to the Golden Rule the bounty of kindness and compassion is brought more clearly into focus and practice.

Being kind or altruistic until it begins to bite or seem inconvenient has the wonderful quality of making our compassion and charity feel special and uplifting.  Practice doing unto others as you would have them do unto you, regularly, and then once in the while, push a little harder or further.  Like any exercise, this extra excursion strengthens your kindness muscles and make you more naturally compassionate.

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*: Wayne Dryer

**: Matthieu Ricard, Altruism, The Science and Psychology of Kindness

-FUL

The suffix “FUL” is an extremely empowering additive to life and well-being. Consider the follow “FUL” words:

Wonderful, grateful, peaceful, joyful, mindful, hopeful, beautiful, cheerful, thoughtful, respectful, insightful, trustful, truthful, faithful, thankful, fruitful,  merciful, meaningful, plentiful ..

What makes these “FUL” words so inspiring is that it implies one is FULL OF these positive emotions.  Not only is one FULL but also in the present moment or mindful.  MindFULness can be defined as the process of purposely bringing one's attention to experiences occurring in the present moment without judgment.  Mindfulness is a state of being where one is “FULL of the mind”.  You are totally in the present moment in a non-judgemental manner.  You let the moment fill you.  In advance you might set the intentions for your mindfulness.  By deliberately choosing those uplifting FUL emotions to fill the moment with you can improve your spirits materially.

If you imagine these “FUL” words and reverse the order so they start with “FULL OF” it can change your spirits and well-being quickly.  Wonderful becomes “full of wonder” or peaceful becomes “full of peace”.   Thankful becomes “full of thanks”.  Not only does the emotion feel different, it also feels more real, immediate and personal. *

As the name of this blog asks:  Is your glass half FULL, half empty or YOU JUST NEED A SMALLER CUP?  What is expected is that this cup is filled with these positive feelings of well-being.

Challenge yourself to be FULL and even FULLER of the wonder of the present moment. Enjoy the fullness of life by letting the wonders of life fill you.

*: Curious one of the most used FUL word is awful.  However, awful’s root is to be full of awe or being inspired, which is anything but awful, rather is awe-full.

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DON’T BELIEVE OR ACT UPON EVERYTHING YOU THINK

The ten - seventy thousand thoughts we think each and every day are not us (see April 9th for more on this issue). If we reduce these thousands of thoughts to those few that we make actionable, there is still a need for caution.  Why? Because a large percentage of these thoughts are not true and largely based on conjecture, incomplete information, false assumptions or emotional fast thinking.  And other are just not helpful or constructive.

Our mind is programmed to react quickly and instinctively to uncertain or potentially threatening stimuli.  The “better safe than sorry” response was essential to survival until very recently.  It was not useful to ponder whether that danger was real or imagined.  It was better to run, seek shelter or be on guard lest the threat was real.  Yet we continue this tradition of not questioning our assumptions, sources of information or expectations and going forward on mis-truths or wrong conclusions.  Far too often what we believe is other that true.  Rather what we believe is often convenience to our prior prejudices, goals or status quo.

Dan Milman noted that:  “You don’t have to control your thoughts.  You must stop letting them control you.”   Even if our thoughts are correct and complete, are they helpful or hopeful?  Just like questioning what we believe, we should also be on guard about why we believe them and whether that conclusion is going to make us a better person. 

Many of our truthful thoughts are dysfunctional and distracting.  Willpower, mindfulness and resolve needs to be applied to manage our speculative imagination and thinking.  Asking where these thoughts are taking us is useful. Are we ruminating?  Are our thoughts appealing to our better or worst nature?  Are these thoughts building us up or bring us down? 

We need to act like a principled judge and jury when we cede control of our thoughts and convert them into actions.  We should pick and choose those very few thoughts which are true, helpful, hopeful and well-being focused, and let them direct our actions. 

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ANGRY OR DISAPPOINTED?

I don’t know about you, but when I am caught up in traffic, or someone does something that I think is untoward, I can quickly become very angry. Perhaps you have had instances where better anger management would have been helpful.  Instead you got yourself into an unpleasant or uncomfortable situation and said or did something you later regretted.  Is there a cure to not losing your temper?

More recently when I have faced these anger testing moments, I have actively sought to re-frame and re-phrase this tension with a different emotion.  Instead of being angry I CHOOSE to be disappointed or discouraged. 

Reframing anger to being disappointed, discouraged, displeasured or dis-anything starts with a conscious and deliberate choice of pausing.  This breaks the almost instantaneous cycle of fight or flight into a recess and lets us step back and reflect for a moment.   Then, by changing the lens that I use to see the situation, my temperament also changes.  I move from an external desire to lash out to an internal examination of what is really troubling me.  Yes, someone wronged me, but rather than venting outwardly I just absorb the blow and process the event as impersonal, letting go of as much of the negative energy as possible.  At the end of the day wasn’t my anger really disappointment? I was discouraged and frustrated by the situation.

The wonderful thing about being disappointed or discouraged is that it allows me to question the WHY behind my tension.  After all, anger at its root started as an offensive survival skill when times were very dangerous and hostile. Hopefully, I begin to recognize that much of my frustration is related to my assumptions about the situation.  Often if there is a cause to my anxiety it is based in myself. The best thing to do is move along and ask what can I learn from what just happened. 

Pausing and challenging my beliefs and reframing the angry moments as disappoints certainly has reduced the sting when things go pear-shaped.  These discouragements encourage me to learn and accept increased responsibility for my own circumstances and my reactions thereto.

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IS OUR FRIGHT USEFUL OR NECESSARY?

Fright can undermine much of our well-being, especially if it is left unchecked and permitted to grow.  We can be fearful of some uncertainty or situation and conjure up anxious outcomes.  But are our fearful thoughts warranted or were we just caught off-balance?  Fright is akin to being momentarily scared, but does that mean things are really dangerous or life threatening?

Historically, having a cautious nature was essential to one’s survival and safety, as danger was everywhere and medical treatment was practically non-existent.  A broken leg or open wound was very life threatening.  The average life span until the start of the twentieth century was between 30 and 40 years, whereas now it is 80 or over for those living in the West.  Have we re-wired our thinking to today’s world? Or are we living in some media invented other reality?  The media is constantly telling us that we are at serious risk from too much fat in our diets, or criminality, or airplane crashes or threats from terrorism– and all of these can make us overly anxious. Remember, good news does not sell, as it is too boring.

Frightening things are about perceived (or imagined) risks, whereas dangerous things are about real risks.  Between innovations, regulations, standards, medical advances and education, the world has never been as safe as it is now.  Being frightened is largely an emotional, not a rational reaction.  Put very bluntly, if you were to die only because of unnatural or dangerous events (that is, other than age related illnesses and circumstances), on average you would live to be 2,800 years old.  Based on this simple but valid statistic our world is EXTREMELY safe and secure.

Getting to grips with your anxiety will help you sleep better. Please consider investigating the FACTFULNESS* book noted below, it provides the data and research to support a less dangerous view of our reality.  It is a fascinating and reassuring read.

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*: Factfulness: Ten Reasons We're Wrong About The World - And Why Things Are Better Than You Think by Hans Rosling, Ola Rosling, Anna Rosling Rönnlund

CURIOUS?!?

The world and what you and I know about it is changing at an alarming pace. What we were taught seems to be less relevant or timely with each passing day.  How does one stay ahead or on top of what is current or useful? Additionally, just behind us is artificial intelligence, which is challenging our employment prospects. The standard response is lifelong learning.  I agree that lifelong learning is a useful defensive measure, but what might be a more effective offensive strategy?

Let’s use my area of expertise, financial accounting, as an example.  When I was learning the trade in the 70’s one could largely master most of the body of knowledge with a reasonable degree of diligence.  When I taught it, things began to change as more and more issues were raised and addressed, in an increasingly complex world.  Specialists emerged, where previously there were few areas of specialist expertise. Now that approach is falling short for the generalists and the specialists, as there is just so much information and not enough time to absorb it all.

My suggestion when confronting the challenges of the knowledge explosion and artificial intelligence is to apply our uniquely human quality of CURIOUSITY to the situation.  We need to risk being truly curious about what ever newness we are confronting.  Rather than being trained and re-trained, we must become fully engaged in the marvel of whatever new or novel learning confronts us.

To me, curiosity is the blending together of at least eight of the ten positive emotions*, being joy, savouring (remembering), interest, hope, amusement, inspiration, love and awe, applied to our area of expertise and life more generally.  Learning and knowledge growth is most effective when one is joyfully and actively engaged. Being curious means investing in order to grow and internally prosper. Artificial Intelligence will never be able to beat us on emotional curiosity.

Let’s use our “curiosity” advantage to our advantage.

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*: See 26th February, 2019 for more detail of the ten positive emotions

THE FIVE MINUTE ETHICS COURSE

I will never forget one particular learning experience:  a student of mine taught me a method to test whether an action was ethical or not, all in under five minutes.  I have experimented with the system he taught me and it seems pretty much bullet proof. 

If you are confronted with an ethical dilemma and your answer is a confident YES TO ALL THREE of these questions, it is highly likely that what you are contemplating IS ETHICAL.  If one answer is a NO, then you are likely offside.

First, apply the Golden Rule Test, which is: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. (Or the Confucian form which is: Don’t do unto others as you would not have others do unto you.)  If someone did what you are considering to you would you be offended, harmed or displeased?  Reciprocity or tit-for-tat is an essential test for much of our behaviour.

Second, the Role Model Test, which is:  If you were a parent would you want your child to do what you are considering?  Would you want to set this action up as an example which your offspring would follow and consider “normal”? Is this the type of role modeling you want to promote?

Third, the Front Page Test, which is: If you had editorial privilege and the entire front page of the newspaper, could you fully explain and justify your action to an objective, informed and diligent reader?  By definition, ethical dilemmas are complex, full of contextual details and awkward trade-offs.  Would a thoughtful and independent observer, after evaluating the full circumstance of your situation, decide in your favour, or at least give you the benefit of the doubt? 

I have shared these tests with many and pondered them, appraising situations I have heard about or experienced through their lens. I would recommend this five minute ethics course as highly effective, and a good primer for life.  It is simple enough to teach young children, and robust enough to guide seasoned professionals.

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ARE WE HERE FOR A GOOD TIME?

Trooper, a Canadian band from the 70’s wrote a wonderful song called: “We’re here for a good time (not a long time)”.  For the longest of time that simple line was at the root of much that I did and indeed I did have some very good times.  Back then it sounded like a good compass to direct my attention, but it does ring hollow now.

Somewhere over the past fifteen years I discovered the importance of purpose.  I started to focus more on doing things because they were in line with my core values and intrinsic goals.  Volunteering, designing my working duties and seeking out venues where I could encourage outcomes that really mattered to me became essential to my well-being.  I started to look for opportunities to combine purpose with good times, and there were several.

I know it took many years, and many mis-steps, but eventually I was able to find a unique circle of competence where I could do things that were very purposeful and mattered to me.  I looked at what I did well in my career: what were those things that I would willingly and eagerly do on weekends or evenings? I started to read more and think more deeply about my dreams and goals. Was there any common theme?   How can I make a difference and make the world a better place? Something purposeful slowly emerged.

What distinguishes a good time from a purposeful time?  Good times focus too much on immediate or short term pleasure.  Good times exaggerate the importance of “JUST DO IT”, and can be rather selfish.  Purpose considers well-being, others, the longer term and the consequences of what you JUST DID. 

I would be the last person to suggest that you give up good times.  Yes, be fanciful and carefree.  Do cause some amazing memories. Absolutely, good times rock!!  But also pause, and imagine how you can make a good time a BETTER TIME.  A dose of purpose is all it takes.

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BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR

I lived for a year in one of the most financially prosperous cities in the world.  If there was a lottery and the prize was to be immensely rich, well this was it.  There were malls everywhere and any conceivable consumable pleasure was not far away.  ‘Shop ‘til you drop’ was a national obsession and past time.  They had won the “life” lottery (after all, someone has to) and got the prize of having financial abundance beyond belief.

 I was gone after a year; what a relief. I learned and observed an important lesson:  Be careful what you ask for, you might just get it.  Imagine you got that amazing car, house, partner, career or whatever you asked for: would that be it and nirvana forever after?  More than likely, life would soon be rather hellish or hollow.

 Many aspirations are indeed uplifting and noble, but many are not. How often do we silently say to ourselves: “I wish I had….”    How do you sort them out?  I ask a rather simple question:  “Imagine it is a rainy, miserable Tuesday in the fall and it is 11 AM and you had or were doing what you asked for, would you feel purposeful and happy?”  Maybe you would feel blessed and grateful for whatever you had: great!  Or perhaps that ocean front view, car, job, office or wardrobe might just as easily be humdrum and bland.

 So what are attributes of more purposeful or worthwhile living to aspire to?  The psychologist Martin Seligman summarized five measurable elements of what he described as flourishing* or well-being:  Positive emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Achievement (or PERMA). 

If what you desire does not contribute to at least one of the elements, move on.   If the answer is YES, go for it.  If the answer is MAYBE, speculate what is missing and whether you can supplement your desire with it.  If it cannot be bundled together, than stop.  If the answer is NO, let go of that desire, as it is likely very superficial and just a consumption urge coming out of boredom.

Finally, if what you get is what you asked for and it is great, be especially GRATEFUL!! 

Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

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*: "Flourish: A New Understanding of Happiness and Wellbeing" by Martin Seligman 

ARE WE OUR INTENTIONS OR OUR ACTIONS?

There is a dilemma and contradiction we all encounter when we judge ourselves or others.  When it comes to ourselves we know what our intentions are and evaluate our actions using our internal moral compass based on our intentions.  However, for others, as we can only see their actions, we judge them by these actions and largely overlook their intentions. 

This implicit unfair bias has troubling consequences.  We imagine ourselves to be highly proper, fair minded citizens based on our noble intentions (and often poor execution thereof).  However, when someone trespasses against us, we act as judge and jury and sub-consciously convict that person and their actions as untoward.  Too often we infer the wrong intention and mis-judge the impact of the action.  Where is the balance of justice and fairness in this contraction?  Obviously it is missing.

Where do you go from this puzzle?  The quickest but often hardest solution is to become less judgemental and let go of the process of critiquing others.  What a joy and relief it is to just be and let others be also.  Following on this line, the principle that ‘what goes around, comes around’ applies to you.  If you judge others less often or harshly, you can reasonable expect that you will be treated similarly. 

You should fully appreciate that the measures you use to judge others should be used to judge you, complete with the mis-perceptions natural to the fact that you are not the actor of the action. It may not always work out that way, but it certainly can make your life a lot kinder and less tense.

When the actions of others impact on us, it is a good strategy to frame their intentions as coming from a good and wholesome place.  Most likely that person meant no harm, and the worst case is that they were careless (but not thoughtless or vicious).

Note, I am not suggesting that actions do not matter, because they absolutely do!  Rather, judge less, judge as you wish to be judged, do more good, subtly appreciate the impossibility of fairly evaluating others and assume the best of others.

I do believe ultimately we are our intentions (but WE MUST INTEND TO DO), things just get lost in translation.

Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

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NOTHING IN LIFE IS QUITE AS IMPORTANT AS YOU THINK IT IS, WHILE YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT IT

Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel Prize winning economist, made this brilliant observation about our human condition and mindset. We fret and focus on matters that at the time seem immensely important or urgent, but likely are just the day-to-day events of a normal life.  Yes, there are important matters that confront us and warrant our undivided attention, but they are fortunately few in number.  Health, career, relationships, financial issues, the weather, deadlines and emotional issues crop up in our mind all the time, and we awfulize and replay them until they seem to become all that matters. 

Our mind is a poor judge of putting things in perspective and ranking their importance.  With thousands of moments and thoughts each day, our mind is ripe for debating trivial matters just to fill its day.

So what can you do to manage your wild mind?  Start by laughing at most of these impulses as if they were scenes in a TV sit-com.  After all, aren’t they just absurd exaggerations of the present moment?  Are your worries statistically possible or probable?  Question the underlying beliefs and hypothesis that these thoughts are based on.  How much of the underlying concern is just conjecture, or based on incomplete information? Do you have a natural tendency to imagine the worst case scenario, not the best?

Observe that many of these “important” matters are actually rather mundane matters that just need to be attended to, so just note them down and do them.  Test these issues that are overwhelming you by imagining the worst case outcome and honestly consider just how awful that eventuality would really be.  How much of a resilience test would that scenario be?  If resolution is beyond your control then accept that there is nothing you can do and move on.  Objectively challenge your subjective judgements and thoughts.

If this thought that you are dwelling on is really important, sequentially plan how to address it.  Re-visit the matter after writing it down and then not thinking about it for a while, and consider sharing your concern with someone else who may bring a different perspective to the table. 

Once you have made all the plans that you can, most importantly, let go of these thoughts – worrying will not change anything. Remember, nothing in life is quite as important as you think it is, while you’re thinking about it.

Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

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NO PLAN B

Recently I moved to another continent and country.  The culture, climate and everything in-between was new and very different from much that I was used to.  Regularly, before and after the move, people asked me the same questions, being: “Why?” and “How are you enjoying the change?”  It was as though they expect me to complain or regret my choice.  But my reply is always the same: “There is no Plan B so I am determined to make Plan A a wonderful success!”

The absence of a viable alternative or obviously better plan is such a blessing.  But the real point is not the absence of a substitute, but rather the total decision to not give any other arrangement any air or space to fester.  

Very occasionally, you have to make big choices where the decision precludes and includes many subsequent aspects of your life.  Choosing a partner, career, home, place to live, or employer are just a few of such binary (Yes/No) dilemmas. 

A good way to undermine your final selection is to second guess your conclusion, regret your conclusion, ask “What if?” and/or replay your decision making process. It sounds like even after your selection there still seems to be a Plan B on the table.  But there isn’t, unless your decision was half-hearted and naïve.

When you are in one of those Plan A or B decision moments, do spend the time making the trade-offs, and weighing the pros and cons.  But also acknowledge in advance there will be elements of regret and disappointment, as this is the nature of life.  With informed consent, you need to buy-in accordingly, and let go of any cognitive dissonance (after the fact regret).

Living your life as though there is always a Plan B out there significantly depreciates your well-being.  You are trapped in the puzzle of re-living your past, corrupting your future and hollowing out your present moments.  Buying into your Plan A and perpetually upgrading it makes the very thought of Plan B unwanted and unwarranted.  

Once Plan A is in play, THERE IS NO LONGER A PLAN B (THANKFULLY)!

 Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

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