AWE*

Humans are blessed with some emotions and feelings which are not found in other species. What makes humans uniquely different?  According to ancient Greek mythology, Zeus endowed humans with two special qualities.  The first was a sense of justice, to ensure that the needs of all would be met.  The second was the capacity for awe.   

The myth suggested that awe encouraged positive emotions like reverence, devotion, gratitude, and  modesty to emerge.  We feel connected to others; and a sense of unity within the community grows.  Awe make one feel small and appreciative of the wonder and awesomeness of something greater and more majestic than us.  Our common humanity brings us together and we are more willing to subordinate our self-interest for the collective good.

But where has our sense of awe gone?  The spectacular and the extra-ordinary seem to have lost their significance.  We shrug our shoulders too easily, as though something astonishing was just another Hollywood special effect.  Science and the media seem to have numbed our sense of amazement.  Perhaps we are too cynical, proud  or sophisticated to acknowledge our true insignificance.  We see something truly amazing, and rather than savour the moment and let it take our breath away, we take a selfie, and the magic is gone.

Put in a different way, empowering awe makes our wellbeing that much better.  Feeling humble, insignificant and ordinary brings harmony to our community.  The respect and reverence that awe encourages brings tolerance and inclusiveness for others.  Feeling smaller and less important makes us glow inside.  Absolute wonder brings the innocence of our youth to the fore, as we lose our breath and feel totally in the NOW.

Seek out some awe and the spectacular in your daily life; it is there and waiting if we are humble enough to see and acknowledge it.  Allow for the super-natural and you will certainly experience the awe of the present moment.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

*:  See Reverence by Paul Woodruff or Born to be Good by Dacher Keltner

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FAIL-FAST *(2)

Lifelong learning is good for our well-being.  Keeping the mind active and engaged can reduce some of the threats to our mental health in our later years.  The challenge is how to develop habits and skills that make learning pleasurable and effective.

The fail-fast, learn-fast process described last week is a learning strategy.  The essence of this approach is to quickly experiment with new knowledge and skills. We need to accept failure and mis-steps as part of the learning process. Failing often and early on leads to stronger and more frequent  positive outcomes later.  Tessa Koller noted thirteen interesting outcomes from adopting a  fail-fast strategy.* Some of these positive outcomes are noted here:

1.          You become more resilient.  You gain a thicker skin; and subsequent setbacks and disappointments don’t bother you as much.

2.         Your failures highlight what works.  Your knowledge of what succeeds sharpens and hones your skills and abilities.

3.         Failures suggest new alternatives as to what may eventually work.  Failing opens possibilities.

4.         Failures are not absolute or terminal.  Disappointments followed by later successes help you develop the habit of re-framing outcomes in positive and hopeful ways.

5.         By bouncing back from disappointment, you will inspire others.  Your resilience will encourage others to keep persevering.

6.         Unsuccessful outcomes strengthen your mindset.  The process of re-starting is an inevitable reality for everyone.  Training your spirits to see the bigger picture of hardship as a learning experience is essential to sustainable wellbeing.

7.         Failing fast can expand your risk taking appetite. A certain degree of risk taking opens you up to many new experiences and opportunities. 

8.         Failing is exciting and purposeful.  The immediate feedback from a mistake is invigorating:  It may hurt a bit, but it is real.  This makes the eventual victory that much more rewarding.

9.         Failing is fun. Once you recalibrate your reaction to disappointment and see it as a growth opportunity., failure becomes a cause for optimism and renewed purpose, and that is fun.

My life has been filled with thousands of small (and larger) mistakes, failures and setbacks, but greater by a factor of two or three are the number of joyful successes.  And that is what wellness may just be all about.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

*:  13 Reasons Why You Should Fail Fast to Learn Fast by Tessa Koller,  : www.lifehack.org/851912/fail-fast

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FAIL-FAST*(1)

Is failure something one should avoid or actively pursue or cause? Is failure good for you?  Is delaying disappointment useful? Yes and No.  One should not actively set out to fail, but equally one should not seek to escape from or postpone defeat.  The trick is to make disappointments one’s ally.

An interesting tool that many successful learners may have accidently discovered is:

Fail-Fast, Learn-Fast

Failure and disappointment are powerful learning tools.  Being wrong sooner and often can be beneficial.   It is so discouraging as an educator to be in front of a class and see many students watching along and not engaging in the curriculum.  Pose a simpler problem to them and they passively watch and assume that somehow when the answer is shared, they will figure out the path to the solution.  Truth is, watching rarely works.  Other learners immediately attempted the challenge and often got the wrong solution.  However, the failure of active learners promotes faster learning.  In fact, being swiftly unsuccessful  is a very effective tool on the path to greater understanding, as it intrigues the learner as to where they went wrong. You are likely to recollect your failures and not repeat them.  Mistakes which lead to subsequent success boost our confidence.  Making errors is a true measure of constructive engagement. Watching the smiles as engaged students got better was a catalyst to encourage me to seek to be a better instructor.

We can apply  FAIL-FAST to our day-to-day experiences.  Begin by agreeing that privately failing is no big deal and that mistakes are learning opportunities.  Likely your success rate will be over 50% right away.  Accept sooner and more frequent errors are the price we pay to achieve more favourable results later. Why not start tinkering with regular tasks? Tweak the process of how you prepare your breakfast.  Look for immediate opportunities to experiment with improvement.  Trial-and-error is a powerful self-improvement strategy.

Nothing succeeds like success. Accept regular setbacks as one is trying diligently to improve.  Proper goals should be challenging but attainable.  Enjoy and encourage fast failure, as it proves you are trying. Practice failing sooner and more often, so that the pleasure and triumph of learning will accelerate accordingly. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:  A great link to learn more about Fail-Fast: www.lifehack.org/851912/fail-fast

BEING ALIGNED

When a car is in alignment it travels down the road in a straight line, even when one lets go of the steering wheel.  When it is out of alignment, it veers to the left or the right, and eventually ends up way off course. If we are not in alignment, our wellbeing ends up being undermined in a similar way. Initially you may hardly notice any difference, but over time, you can find yourself seriously off balance.

So, when we think of wellbeing, what are the elements of alignment? A simple and effective summary of alignment is: Head, Heart and Hand (or thinking, feeling and doing).  Are your thoughts, emotions and actions consistent, or are some aspects of your being pulling you off-course? It is extremely difficult to be in total harmony, but when there is significant conflict between these three dimensions there is certain to be trouble ahead.

Hands are the dependent variable in our internal harmony, they take instructions from either the head or heart, and sometimes both.  Hands are the actionable tools in our public display of who we are. Sometimes both our heads (our thoughts) and our hearts (our feelings) are in harmony, but it is not always easy to hold an appropriate tension between these two.

Our heads can get so caught up in rationalizing (slow thinking) that we forget to act and just end up procrastinating, as our thoughts tie us up in impossible dilemmas or conundrums. Without strong emotions, we fail to act.

Similarly, our hearts (feelings) can prompt us to much kinder decisions which are ultimately much better for our wellbeing, but feelings can also be misleading, and we can run away with our emotions. They need to be policed by our thoughts to make wise, not impulsive, decisions. 

To better manage our wellness is it useful to check in periodically and see how well we are aligned.  Are our hands taking too much instruction from our head and not listening enough to our quiet heart and soul, or are we listening too much to our feelings and not enough to our heads? 

Our best long term navigator is when our hands, heart and hands work together in alignment.  Then the heart, acting like a moral compass, ponders the reputational consequences of our thoughts and steers us accordingly.

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CONFIDENCE

Having coached learners for several decades, one essential skill I especially focused on was confidence.  I suggested that without feeling and acting confidently in an exam (or real life) situation, the candidate was certain to do less well.  Confidence gives us the courage to believe we know what we are talking about, avoid second-guessing ourselves and proudly show what we know.  Turns out there is curious science to support my advice.

Susan Kruger* notes that when we receive information it travels up our spinal cord towards the neural networks of the brain.  The first part of the brain to get the information is our emotional centre, which considers whether the stimuli pose a threat to our safety.  If the brain perceives any danger, then it diverts energy from the rest of the brain to address the challenge.  And this of course is the fight-or-flight response we are all hardwired with.  The fast thinking reflex does not distinguish between physical or emotional risks, it just automatically kicks in.  Whereas this reflex can save our life, it also undermines our ability to learn.  This energy we are hoarding to address the hazard creates obstructions  and takes resources from fully engaging in the learning experience. Put into a learning context, being fearful or anxious while trying to learn significantly reduces our learning effectiveness as we are in resistance mode and not much is being absorbed.  To prevail over the fight-or-flight habit, confidence is the best defense.  Replacing fear with curiosity, intrigue or awe opens the brain to accept, process and understand new knowledge, and begin to learn.  Confidence is gentle as it disarms our brain. Confidence also reinforces the learning process.  As new knowledge is acquired, we begin to comfortably believe we know it and longer term understanding occurs.

Looking at confidence in our Covid-19 world can also be helpful.   Anxiety and fearfulness  seem to be everywhere and spreading rapidly.  Confidence and hopefulness is not a vaccine against the virus, but is it a useful remedy to otherwise being in state of perpetual fight-or-flight panic.  Confidence means stepping back, before trying to unscramble the catalogue of alarming news, then figuring out what really relates to us  and what we can pro-actively do to calm our spirits.  Confidence is about taking control of our situation, understanding the complex trade-offs that we must make in our weird Covid world.  Confidence boosts our spirit, a powerful  anti-dote to the prevailing mood.

Cultivate and mature your confidence, it will reward you in so many ways.

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*: As described in "The Science of Self-Learning: How to Teach Yourself Anything” by Peter Hollins

COMPASSION

What an interesting word “compassion” is.  Is compassion the same as empathy, sympathy, or subtly different?  Are they synonyms?  Like shades of any colour, these three emotions are close.  I would suggest that compassion is a richer and more vivid colour.

A good place to start would be with definitions:

Compassion: a deep sympathy for the sorrows of others, with an urge to alleviate their pain.

Empathy:  ability to imagine oneself in the condition of another, a vicarious participation in another’s emotions.

Sympathy: a general kinship with another’s feelings, no matter of what kind. *

So what?  Maybe a lot, maybe a little.  What I note is that the term empathy seems to be the most common of these emotions.  Is this because empathy best describes the feeling, or do we mean compassion? 

The psychologist Paul Bloom** carefully analysed empathy and suggests that society would be better served with rational compassion.   He notes that empathy (and sympathy), are kind, but is it helpful for the person in grief?  Both are passive and immediate, but are they concerned with solving the underlying challenge? Both focus on a specific instance or person (which he called the spotlight effect), but too often do not engage with the complexity of a situation, or with the larger community of others in similar conditions.

So, what does Paul Bloom suggest?  One should step back from the immediate situation, look at the larger set of circumstances, and carefully consider any uncomfortable trade-offs that may be required to address the troubling dilemma. Compassion is about alleviating a pain, which is more than feeling sorry. He encourages compassion for the larger community in similar situations, rather than dwelling on the specific individual.   Compassion is about solving challenging problems rather than focusing on symptoms and quick fixes.

Compassion is effortful and uncomfortable.  It is about asking difficult questions, saying NO and rationing scarce resources, be they emotional, spiritual or financial.  But, in the longer run, compassion does more for mankind because it solves future difficulties that we will not hear about because they are gone.  Which may just be the real point.

Reflection Source: www.Smalmercup.org

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 *:  The Free Dictionary by Farlex

**: Paul Bloom, Against Empathy, the Case for Rational Compassion

UNHELPFUL ATTITUDES

I can remember being in my early twenties and proudly cynical and sarcastic.  It was pompous youthfulness on display.  The more contrary and mocking I was of the present situation, the wiser I felt.  What a youthful fool I was. Somewhere in my thirties I let go of these unhelpful attitudes, but secretly held onto many of their related  judgemental perspectives.  And finally, after far too much mocking and a false sense of self-righteousness, I realized I was raining on my own parade.  Can you relate to this rite of passage?

Letting go of being cynical and sarcastic is not that hard, but to stop being judgemental is a real challenge.  I struggle with a tendency to judge others as though I have all the right questions and answers.  What is especially noteworthy is that being judgemental bring no joy or wellness to myself or anyone else.  Rather it fuels anger and pride, sowing division and intolerance instead.  I notice that with all the increased tension, frustration, anxiety and impatience because of Covid (and Trump), our judgemental nature is only becoming more pronounced and outspoken.  Scary times!!

So where to start to become less judgemental? How about admitting to oneself that being judgemental is an unhelpful and destructive habit.  Next, let go where you can, stop vocally labelling certain people or views as “stupid”.  Silencing your public judgement will quiet your inner whisper.  Accept the fact that you do not know all the facts about the situation.  Start imagining that you may be wrong, and others are right.  And finally, admit that your opinion generally really does not matter much (except at election time).

Unhelpful attitudes that started with being cynical and sarcastic, and matured into being self-righteous and judgemental, get no one anywhere.  Try reframing these attitudes with tolerance, inclusiveness, compassion and patience.  You will feel much better thereafter.

Reflection Source: www.Smalmercup.org

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POST-TRUTH

Truth is the quality or state of being true. Wikipedia adds ‘of being in accord with fact or reality’.

What is especially unsettling is the suggestion that we now live in a post-truth society, where truth does not matter or matters less. Now, emotions and personal beliefs can trump what was previously considered to be either true or false.  Post-truth views deliberately confuse opinions and facts.  By cherry picking facts and statistics, fantasy becomes reality, and truth and respect optional.  Worse, those that disagree with us become our opponents and we, the rightful victors of justice and whatever, are right and true.  Somehow this does not sound like a situation with a happy or positive ending.

But what does this have to do with wellness?  A lot!!  The more the post-truth notion gains hold in society, the less tolerant, compassionate and inclusive we seem to have become.  Identity politics has become more accepted.  Identity politics considers it fair game to cast very negative views on another’s character just because they do not agree with our views or perspectives.  Rather than being inclusive and tolerant of those that differ on matters of opinion, those that disagree are often described in unkind terms and held in distain.

Two central hallmarks of a liberal democracy are the encouragement of differing points of view, and the tolerance of these differences.  By a process of debate, over time, society evolves and improves.  But central to this evolution is respect for the truth and opportunities for society to learn and change. But that takes time and patience..

Perhaps it is Covid, politics, social (not physical) distancing or whatever, but I have noticed recently in the media and on the streets a reduction in civility and inclusiveness.  Post-truth judgementalism seems to have undermined some of the kindness and compassion we feel for others; a slippery slope to go down.

I pray that in 2021 truth returns to take centre stage and with it brings respect and patience for those we disagree with.  May opinions be accepted as opinions and not as facts. That is certainly one of my new year’s aspirations.  I know this tolerance will significantly enhance my wellbeing and joy in 2021.

Reflection Source: www.Smalmercup.org

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WHAT HAVE I LEARNED IN 2020?

After fifty-one reflections, it might be timely to consider how my smaller cup has changed – what have I learned?  In a word, PATIENCE.  Being patient is such an important quality which expresses itself in so many ways.  Through patience I am learning:

·         To let go of what might have been, and to be joyful in what is.

·         To consciously re-frame my present moment to have a (more) positive perspective.

·         To get through less exciting days, have a smaller cup that grows and is reasonably full.

·         To be a human being not a human doing.  This is helpful to your well-being - seek to be in the present moment more and avoid multi-tasking wherever possible.

·         To be kind, compassionate and generous to others. That richly rewards my spirits, as well as helping others.

·         To savour, using much freer time to remember fond memories. This made my today’s better and inspired my dreams for a better tomorrow.

·         To prefer tele-scoping and looking forward with promise and wonder, over micro-scoping inward, with a sense of remiss and regret.

·         To use explanatory words that are hopeful, glorious, grateful and modestly proud.

·         To remind myself that desserts is stressed spelt backwards. I need to put more sweetness into my present moment.

·         To be an optimalist (where good enough is excellent) rather than a perfectionist (where only excellence is good enough).

·         If I always give, I will always have.

·         To be careful what I focus on. Not watching the news before going to bed materially improved my dreamscape.

The challenge for next year is to keep applying these lessons, and to make the most of all my opportunities in 2021 (as I have waited a long time for them).

And similarly you might wonder how your well-being journey has changed – what have you learned?  Rather than a New Year’s resolution, do a last year’s self-reflection, and be grateful for how the last year may have changed your perspectives.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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THE ROCKING CHAIR TEST*

Occasionally, we must make difficult decisions or trade-offs.  Earlier, I suggested the “eulogy test,” where you consider how others will remember you based on what your choices were.  Another decision-making test along this line is the “rocking chair test”.  The difference is that, rather than asking how others will remember you, you challenge yourself to imagine how you will remember yourself and your choices. 

This decision-making test asks you to imagine you are in your senior years and in your favourite rocking chair.  You are looking back on your life and career, and the decisions you made.  From this perspective, look at your current choice and how you might remember and judge this decision years later.  As you reflect on this matter, do you imagine you would smile, frown, feel regret, or be thankful, based on your actions? The rocking chair test opens a conversation with yourself that asks:

Is this matter really that important or significant in the long run?  Why?

Will  I regret not doing this?

Am I being too risk adverse?  What is stopping me from doing this? Are my anxieties real or imagined?

What is the worst that could or would happen?

Will my choice make my own and others’ lives better?

Will this matter make my bucket list more complete?  Does it belong in my bucket list?

Will this opportunity come around a second time?

Will I share this experience with my family as something to remember me by or provide guidance for their life?

Will my choice likely go into the good or bad decision column?

The rocking chair test will likely encourage you to say YES more often, and NO occasionally, when your desire for short-term pleasure opposes your long-term joy and wellness.  Being in my early rock chair years, I do recommend making YES your default choice.

Reflection Source: www.Smalmercup.org

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*: Nicky Gumbel, The Bible in One Year – a Commentary

RULES

I have never been a big fan or follower of rules.  Perhaps it is because I grew up in the rebellious late 60’s, or because I was a middle child trying to carve my own destiny.  However, in another way, I am an absolute subscriber to rules, subject to three constraints being:

First, there are not very many (maximum twenty);

Second, the rules are robust and based on strong first principles;

Third, although the rules may have their basis in the Bible, law or other wisdoms,  I have personally applied them to myself and made them MY INTERNALIZED RULES.

So, what do rules have to do with wellness?  A lot.  Rules can reduce what is called ego depletion.

   Ego depletion refers to the idea that self-control or willpower draws upon a limited pool of mental resources that can be used up.  When the energy for mental activity is low, self-control is typically impaired, which would be considered a state of ego depletion.” *

Temptations of all sorts are everywhere.  Being honest can be very challenging.  Dan Ariely wrote an insightful book on honesty.**   Based on his research, he noted  we are almost naturally inclined to being less than totally honest.  We have all sorts of irrational justifications for cheating.  He had few remedies to our cheating frailty other than rules,  which he followed almost unquestionably. 

Why do rules work?  They counter ego depletion; rather than debating the pros and cons of a choice, we automatically follow the rule and act accordingly.  Rules counter going down the slippery slope of saying YES and not knowing when or how to say NO.  I was raised with the Ten Commandments hardwired into my brain (my first ten rules) and that has made making better choices so much easier.  Rules free up a lot of wellness space, as ego depletion is significantly reduced. Rules provide borders if thoughtfully designed. 

Most rules are short and based on your values (don’t steal, show fidelity, avoid jealousy, etc), The challenge is to know what YOUR RULES ARE and WHY THEY MATTER AND DEFINE YOU.  It is amazing how empowering these personal rules can be. 

What are your rules?  If a young adult asked you what your life rules were,  could you readily list them?  Rules can significantly improve our wellbeing.  

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: Wikipedia

**: The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty, Dan Ariely

APOLOGISE, FORGIVE, FORGET

Relationships are complicated and wonderful at the same time. Not surprisingly, things do become problematic on occasion. Someone anonymously provided the following advice about relationship management:

The first to apologise is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest.

What true but difficult advice to follow, but well worth the effort.

For me, apologising is awkward, which is why being brave is so essential.  Saying “Sorry” does not come easy or frequently enough.  However, I have learned that being first to be sincerely regretful is remedial and constructive.

Forgiving is often the other side of the apologising sequence.  Accepting the “Sorry” often resets the relationship on a more positive footing.  However, what about those times when there is no apology:  is forgiveness unnecessary? That is where being strong and turning the other cheek comes into play.  Being first to forgive others quickens your healing and recovery.  Put in the negative:

Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die.*

Then there is forgetting.  Truly letting go of a past misdeed is not easy, but the alternative only makes the poison more toxic. In the best of all circumstances, the Apologise-Forgive-Forget cycle can be completed and the healing process settled.  When that is not going to happen, forgetting is the happiest outcome.  Sometimes for good reasons, when forgiveness is not an option, then forgetting and letting go is that much more urgent.  Unfortunately, bitterness is often the alternative to forgetting; and bitterness is the less happy place to be.  Being first to forget neutralizes the poison of past transgressions.

Being first to apologise, forgive and forget will make your relationships braver, stronger and happier.   

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: Marianne Williamson

CAUSING INTENTIONS

One of the most effective strategies to improve our wellbeing is to intentionally re-frame our experiences in ways that are helpful, hopeful and constructive.  The challenge is how to make this re-framing a more automatic habit.

What I find  useful is to start by defining positive emotions that aid wellbeing (the list below details the ten positive emotions identified by Barbara Frederickson*):

Gratitude: Appreciating something that has come our way as a gift to be treasured. 

Hope:  A belief that things can change and be better in the future.

Joy: Feeling bright and light. 

Love: All the positive emotions when they stir the heart to engage and share with others in constructive relationships.

Pride:  A managed and modest feeling of achievement.

Serenity:  Savouring the moment; feeling that things are so right and comfortable. 

Amusement: Something unexpected but non-threatening happens that simply makes you laugh.

Awe:  Experiencing goodness and amazement on a grand scale.

Inspiration: Feeling uplifted; seeing better possibilities than usual.

Interest:  Feeling open and alive; your horizons are expanding with new possibilities. 

Next, I ponder whether there are other synonyms I have for these emotions which speak to me. Then I identify what I consider to be the opposite of these feelings.  To finish, I complete a simple exercise of breathing in the positive feelings and intentionally letting go of  its negative opposite. 

For example, I pause for about two minutes (ten breaths) and recite in my mind the following phrases:

Breathe in GRATITUDE, let go of GREED

Breathe in HOPE, let go of DESPAIR

Breath in JOY, let go of SADNESS

Continuing in like manner for the next seven emotions.

The fruit of this exercise is that gradually the positive emotions become more familiar and relevant. When their opposites emerge, I intentionally have a strategy to reject them in favour of their more optimistic partner. 

This exercise may take a little memory work to create and remember your intentional emotional pairs, but the consequence is you will have a deliberate well-being plan that is yours and works for you.

*:  Positivity by Barbara Frederickson

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INTERPERSONAL CONTACT

Often, I wonder how we, as humans, can come to such different conclusions when considering some of the important challenges facing us.  Whatever the issue: the environment, politics, race relations, sexuality, or religion, the differences and nuances of opinion can be myriad.  As a society, are we getting less tolerant of those who disagree with or differ from our own viewpoints?  Do we even know or strive to really understand what makes others take such radically opposing views to ourselves anymore, or do we just seek out those who agree with our standpoints?

We can all harbour prejudices or negative stereotypes towards those who disagree with us.  I do not like this conclusion, but I must accept it has some merit.  So how can I turn this situation around?

Two psychologists* completed a meta-analytic study on prejudice by reviewing the finding of over 500 studies, involving 250,000 participants in over 35 countries.  They came to an obvious but powerful conclusion.  Simply put,  interpersonal contact is one of the most effective ways to reduce prejudice. I found this finding very consoling and helpful.  Those troubling concerns I noted earlier are largely because I have no real contact with those with views or backgrounds different from my own and consequently, I form stereotypes which are often unhelpful or unkind.

It is problematic that I have too much contact with like-minded, socio-economic, ethnically similar people.  I must remember that we are a small minority of mankind.  Social media, news organizations and our own busy schedules can easily make it convenient to form associations of friends that are exclusive and insular. 

I must challenge myself to make more contact with  those who are different from me.  I must try to deliberately be more inclusive and tolerant.  I must accept the fact that others have a natural and legitimate prejudice against me, because they do not any have contact with me. 

Acknowledging and accepting that I have a natural but unhelpful tendency to be prejudiced is a good place to start in terms of turning this situation around.

*: T. Pettigrew and L. Tropp,  Does Intergroup Contact Reduce Prejudice? Meta-Analytic Finding, 2008

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SAVOURING THE MOMENT

A major tenet of mindfulness is to live in the present moment.  We are cautioned about venturing into the past, lest we ruminate in doubt and regret.  Savouring is an emotion and state of being which can be based partly in the present tense and partly in the past, depending on how we practice it. So what is savouring? 

Savouring is synonymous with appreciation. It covers all three senses of the word appreciate: to be thankful for something, to acknowledge the quality of something and to increase the value of something.   It is about really noticing, appreciating and enhancing the positive experiences in our life. By savouring we slow down and consciously pay attention to all our senses (touch, taste, sight, sound and smell). We stretch out the experience and concentrate on noticing what it is that we really enjoy. Through learning to savour, we can increase our capacity to notice what is good about our life, as well as appreciate these moments more fully. Evolutionary psychology suggests that humans have an inbuilt survival mechanism, called the negativity bias, which means that we tend to notice bad things in life before we see the good things. By mindfully savouring, we can  counteract this negativity bias and we can increase our well-being.*

Being in the present moment is about slowing down, concentrating on the  positive aspects of our experience and pondering how and why it feels so special.  What is the beauty that is lifting our spirits?  Is it the colour, smell, shape that is bringing us joy?  Speculate what is so right and if possible, share it with whomever you are with.

Savouring past joys is a habit I have matured.  It often starts with mindfully causing wonderful memories with the specific intent of remembering and reliving these memories later.  These are not ‘selfie’ memories, but rather special moments to savour now and remember for later.  When I savour in the NOW,  I ponder how I might re-create that serene moment again.  At other times I rummage through my memories and see if there was a similar joyful moment earlier and join that recollection with this past experience.  By savouring glorious moments, it crowds out disappointing incidents; I let go of those troublesome recollections and inventory my blessings.  Savouring is pro-active gratitude.

For me, savouring is one of my most powerful and effective antidotes to disappointment and regret.  Savouring fills me with gratitude and serenity, and life does not get much finer then that.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:  A Practical Guide to Positive Psychology: Achieve Lasting Happiness by Bridget Grenville-Cleave

MAN-KIND

Being KIND can be defined as having a good or benevolent nature or disposition; being compassionate and humane.  The antonyms (opposites) of KIND include being atrocious, barbaric or cruel*.  We as a species are known as MANKIND.  Ponder for a moment whether the notion of being kind has any merit as part of our nature.

Here is a parable of unknown origin.  It contains what I believe is a simple but profound truth: 

An old man says to his grandson: ‘There’s a fight going on inside me. It’s a terrible fight between two wolves. One is cruel – angry, greedy, jealous, arrogant, and cowardly. The other is kind – peaceful, loving, modest, generous, honest, and trustworthy. These two wolves are also fighting within you, and inside every other person too.’ After a moment, the boy asks, ‘Which wolf will win?’ The old man smiles. ‘The one you feed.’

It is interesting when world travellers like Michael Palin summarize their travel lessons: what is their almost universal recollection? They are profoundly impressed by acts of unconditional kindness from total strangers (and I can certainly confirm that conclusion from my travels).   Yet, when we are at home, do we always think kindly of our unfamiliar neighbours, or our community at large?  We can feed our cruel wolf a diet of judgement or suspicion about our fellow community members.  And then we find confirming evidence to reinforce our prior prejudices and misgivings.  Does it need to be so?

Our kind wolf, unfortunately, does not get out enough.  Random acts of kindness are its favourite food.  The human spirit has a special design feature which makes being charitable one of the most powerful elixirs to lift our spirits.  Our kind wolf does not need much food to become fully active and overwhelm our unkind wolf.  Once kindness is in play, it is amazing how much power it has against any foe.  Our cruel nature is actually very weak, it has a lot of energy but not much endurance, and it can easily be overcome by compassion.

So which wolf will YOU feed: the kind one,  or the cruel one?

*:  Merriam-Webster dictionary

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

THE FIRST THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD HUMAN

I recently listened to a futuristic TEDx talk by Aubrey De Grey*.  He suggested that the first thousand-year-old human has already been born! He was excited and enthusiastic that the science was there to make it all come together soon…  the aging process could be stalled, and cell regeneration and other remedies started instead.  He seemed to imply that longevity was the ultimate holy grail for the all science, the goal of life itself.

My reaction was one of feeling troubled, but also rather pleased that I was likely to escape a 1,000 (or even 100) year fate.  I am older and very content to be nearing my best before date.  To imagine that the point or goal of my life is to live for an extremely long time is to misstate or misunderstand my personal raison d’etre; nothing is  further from the truth.

Is the meaning of life to merely live the longest, or is it to live a good life? Is the solution to mortality immortality?  Is being finite better than being infinite?  We are blessed with mortal and finite limitations, but it is our potential while in the finite stage that most inspires me.

Does living for longer necessarily enhance the overall quality of life? My personal guess is mine would be materially reduced.  If I had that much time, where would purpose fit in? Why concern oneself with living purposefully when there is always tomorrow?  Knowing I am mortal focuses my attention on making the most of my limited time on earth.  Take purpose  away from me and I might as well play with my smart phone ten hours a day and top that off with several hours of Netflix.  Longevity is not in opposition to purpose, but it could readily take away its importance. Time has a wonderful way of clarifying one’s attention.

I would rather live deliberately and purposefully, and experience the richness and awe of life, than be in some contest as to who can outlive others without purpose.  As I get older, the notion of purpose becomes more urgent, precisely because there is an end in sight. 

Many of you may disagree with me and that is wonderful. Please  consider how central purpose is to your life and live/plan your finite life accordingly.

*: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvWtSUdOWVI

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

TODAY, TOMORROW OR YESTERDAY

I recently came across several wise observations about the consequences of not being  fully engaged in the present. Corrie ten Boom said,

Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength – carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time.*

Joyce Meyer has written,

Wisdom is our friend; it helps us not to live in regret. I think the saddest thing in the world would be to reach old age and look back at my life and feel nothing but regret about what I did or did not do. Wisdom helps us make choices now that we will be happy with later.*

Nicky Gumbel noted,

At one point in my life I developed a tendency to catastrophise – especially about my health.  I was really helped by someone who pointed this out to me and said that to catastrophise means to ‘overestimate the danger of tomorrow and underestimate your ability to cope with tomorrows challenges.*

There are three states of time: the past, present and future. Mo Gawdat ** studied how we divide out our present moments by living between these three-time frames, whether positively or negatively.  He summarized his findings, noting that we tend to spend most of our time in negative and other than present tense mindfulness.  We are preoccupied with the past or with the future, and can often experience negative  feelings (regret, sadness, remorse, despair, guilt, disappointment, anxiety, doubt, or fear). These emotions tend to overwhelm our present moment. 

Living in the present moment is a constant challenge.  When feelings of regret, despair, or anxiety flood our minds, try to draw your mind back to the present moment and away from negative worries or regrets. Replace negative emotions with more positive, hopeful ones, by deliberately choosing not to focus on negative emotions.  Being more in the NOW is an unnatural habit, but one worth mastering

*:The Bible in One Year – a Commentary by Nicky Gumbel

**: Solve for Happy  by Mo Gawdat

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

SUFFERING OR RE-THINKING OUR LIMITATIONS

A reporter asked Greta Thunberg:  Do you suffer from Asperger’s Syndrome?

Greta’s answer:  “I would not say I suffer, but I have it”.

What a clever re-framing by this inspiring young environmental activist.*

I have had challenges, ranging from being dyslexic, left-handed, clumsy, and uncoordinated to having poor eyesight.  At first, I was not aware that anything was wrong at school, but then came  a long period of frustration and disappointment. A period of choice came in my early twenties: Was I going to SUFFER and feel like a VICTIM , or ACCEPT that I had these challenges and just get on with life?   

Deciding to accept my limitations was a wonderful relief, as each has its upsides and advantages.  For example, being dyslexic means that the learning process for me was more based around understanding ideas and the big picture, as I often have to read things many times and really think about what the writer is trying to say to understand something. This was a significant advantage when teaching in a university environment, as I have often had to think about something very carefully to try and understand it.  And then use this deliberate learning process and methodology for my lecture. My awkwardness has made me engineer many tasks to reduce the number of movements (and get used to falling or dropping things).  Laughing at myself and working with the novelty these limitations afforded has been a source of much success, joy and adventure. 

Using the erase test, where one removes an incident or circumstance in one’s life, you also remove ALL the subsequent consequences and knock-on effects of that matter.  Personally, I would not change or erase a thing and feel grateful for my limitations.  I am also very mindful, that were these matters removed, there would be new ones to replace them, so better the devil I know than the one I do not know!

EVERYONE has issues and challenges.  The decision we must make is: do we suffer from them, accept them, or better still, convert them into opportunities or blessings?

Currently we are all under some type of Covid constraint: are you going to suffer it, accept/tolerate it, or make the best of these weird times? A little bit of optimistic resilience won’t make Covid go away, but it will make our present moment that much better.

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*The film, I am Greta comes out this Autumn.  The trailer looks promising

COMPETE OR COMPLETE

I have taught business in a university environment for over thirty-five years.  Over these years I note that the favour and focus of  learners,  society  and faculty has changed.  Sadly, it seems business has become overly focused on profit, market share, WINNING and a blind faith that the marketplace should decide what is proper, moral or constructive.   In the early  ‘80’s, business and financial matters received far less media attention.  Not so today: financial concerns seem to justify too much of what society values and measures.   Is there a better way to be financially and socially successful?

John C. Maxwell* suggested a change in our financial mindset from competing to completing.  Maxwell describes the competing attitude as focusing on WIN-LOSE, excluding others, scarcity, selfishness and zero sum.  A completing attitude values WIN-WIN, including others, abundance, selflessness and growth.

Yes, the competing perspective has significantly improved our standard of living.  However, a phenomena called the ‘Easterlin paradox’ notes that over the past fifty years or more, per capital income adjusted for inflations has more than doubled, but measures of personal happiness in the West have remained constant at 30%, meaning that about 30% of the population continues to describe themselves as happy.** 

The most rewarding aspect of the completing mindset is that it brings joy, gratitude and serenity to us and others.  You may be a little less wealthy, but you feel so much healthier and more connected to others.

After all this improvement in our material wealth it seems like it is time to shift to a completing, cooperative and collaborative perspective.  Competition and our current capitalist model needs to become more inclusive.  The issues of climate change, inequity and intolerance are not topics that competing seems designed to resolve in a timely manner.

Consider replacing WIN-LOSE challenges to WIN-WIN opportunities, and we will all be better off. 

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

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*:  Leadershift by John C.Maxwell

**: Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth by Ed Diener, Robert Biswas-Diener