THE ORGANIZED MIND*

After reading  The Organized Mind,* what did I learn?  Not a lot, unfortunately, but can I share a few simple truths from this well-researched text on brain science? 

 Mental health and wellness all rely on a healthier and happier brain.  Ignoring brain wellness will impair your well-being.

 Not surprisingly, our brain is lazy and is looking for easy solutions and rules to make its job less stressful, yet successful.  Our successful brain is largely designed for the hunting and gathering activities of our primate fore-parents of 50,000 plus years ago. Three things mattered then: survival, using the least amount of calories possible and passing on the genes to the next generation.  Likely your goals are a little more aspirational, but our brain functions largely according to this simplistic set of guiding principles.

 Our brain really does not like stress: over-complexity seriously undermines its effectiveness and efficiency. Where possible outsource (externalize) memory or attention. We really do have a one track mind: multitasking and multi-attention is an impossibility.  Trying to do or remember several things simultaneously puts the brain into alarm mode.  The solution is simple.  Prioritized lists  solve most of these stresses to the brain.  By writing something down, the brain does not have to remember it, and by prioritizing the list the need to multi-task is materially reduced. The book and research suggest a simple prioritization scheme: Do it, Delegate it, Defer it, or Drop it It took over fifty pages to provide the science behind these essential and obvious observations!

 The most interesting conclusions in the book were about sleep.  A tired brain is problematic and often unhelpful.  Not getting your rapid eye movement (REM)  sleep can have serious negative consequences.  For best results you need 1.5 hours of REM per night.  What was interesting is that you cannot cram or double up on REM sleep.  If you don’t get your dose one night, you cannot make it up the next evening.  Sleeping in doesn’t recover the deficit or build a surplus.  The most important strategy was to get into a regular sleeping schedule of 8 hours (+/- 1 hour) a day: neither over nor under sleeping alters your underlying REM diet.  Alcohol and drugs interfere with REM: you may fall asleep quicker, but your REM could be on hold.

 A healthier brain does not guarantee wellbeing, but an ill brain certainly reduces it.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: The Organized Mind, Thinking Straight in the Age of Information Overload by Daniel Levitin

FAIRNESS?!?!

I have had the good fortune to travel to nine developed countries in two continents.  One thing profoundly impressed me; the post-Covid world seems to be fundamentally different from its earlier version.  What I observed was that the pandemic has sharply divided the world into those that are doing very well and those that seem left behind.  As I travelled, I saw many prosperous citizens in their newer cars and designer clothing,  and also many other citizens  that were on lower wages struggling to make ends meet.  The differences were so obvious: you could choose to look away or imagine the two opposites were not there, but they were.  I wondered whether there was an underlying sense of inequity felt by those doing less well.  Where was the fairness in all this? 

 Climate change makes the same point.  The prosperous developed world enjoys the successes and advantages of their industrial revolutions, and less developed nations deal with the legacies of the wasteful behaviours of others. The divide between the developed and the less developed nations is widening.

 Wellness is both a personal and shared blessing and obligation.  If I thrive and others struggle, then I have a duty of care to be part of the solution to this inequity and unfairness.  Our human nature naturally encourages and rewards us for being compassionate.  One of the better ways to improve your wellbeing is to be charitable and caring for others. In return,  our spirits seem to rapidly improve.

 The inequities we see around us should encourage us to move from empathy (I feel your pain) to compassion (let’s do something about your pain).  We should move from spectators of our relative prosperity to becoming part of the solution.  Some re-distribution of wealth from the fortunate to those that are truly challenged is inevitable and welcome.  

 Charity to others and gratitude for our bounty should encourage us to look at the growing social divide with a sense of compassion, not indifference. Imaging this unfairness is not present is wishful thinking and counter-productive in the longer run. 

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OVER-STIMULATED

About 10,000 years ago, scientists believe, humans began to farm.  For the previous hundreds of thousands of years, we were nomadic small clans that engaged in hunting and gathering activities.  This change in lifestyle had a remarkable impact on our brains. 

 Prior to this transition, the number of people we knew was limited to the size of our group, likely less than fifty.  Our possessions were few, at maximum a few dozen.  Our terrain was not larger than 5,000 square kilometres.  Our workday was only three or four hours. Our knowledge base was limited to what was necessary for survival and protection from illness and injury.  No clocks: only the sun and moon to determine our day and night.  Money had not been invented.  Life may have been short, but it was a lot less complicated.  Our brain was stimulated at the appropriate level, it was happy and fit for purpose.

 And then we started to farm!  Agriculture was a more efficient way of providing for our nutritional needs.  This change allowed communities to develop several hundreds of members and more possessions as we were now stationary.  Trade and specialization within and between communities developed.  Life got much more complicated and stressful.  Our brain was beginning to be taxed, but it was okay.

 Today, our brain is no longer fit for purpose.  Multi-tasking, social media, commerce, cities of tens of thousands or millions, materialism and the accumulation of possessions, and friends and acquaintances in the hundreds (through social media) can be overwhelming.  The sheer number of relationships, tasks, possessions, and data exceeds our minds capacity to cope with calmly.  By all measures our minds are over-stimulated and things are only getting worse.

 It is time to de-clutter and de-stress our lives: time to start reducing the number of stimuli we experience or things we do.  Fewer is much better, but what to leave in and what to leave out? Simpler is calmer; re-centring our wellbeing.  Restated, what do I have to start doing less of?  Less news?  Reduced social media? Stop pretending I can multi-task effectively? Less hurrying about and endlessly setting myself deadlines? What do I have to do more of?  More quiet time?  More reflective and meditative activities?  Deeper friendships? 

 As we cannot re-wire or increase our brain’s capacity, what should we do instead? The issue is not work-life balance but rather life-wellness balancing.  Start with setting priorities and mindfully leaving activities in or out of our daily routines.  Experiment with less and then add more of what really matters.

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DOUBT AND FEAR

Governments and the media, to manage Covid, have deliberately encouraged fearfulness and suspicion of others to reduce our social contact and thereby manage infection rates.  Not a bad short term public policy measure, but how do we now reverse this anxiousness?  Humans are social creatures: we require social engagement to maintain our wellness. Anxiety makes one less social and more isolated.

 Fear and doubt in the longer term poison the fabric of society, as they encourage intolerance and distrust of OTHERS.  Once fear and doubt guide our social behaviours, we start to question whether OTHERS will be harmful or unhelpful to us.  Before you know it, so many otherwise normal and kind people have become a threat, those OTHERS we should be cautious of.  Personal safety would suggest we should be suspicious of more and more people (OTHERS).  Where is this going?

 All sincere and helpful forms and expressions of love or inclusion start with trust and acceptance, while acknowledging the possibility of fear and doubt.  Adding an initial conditional requirement of overcoming doubt to allow for love and caring undermines the natural rhythms of affection and inclusion.  Once you open the doubt and fear emotion, it quickly runs wild and the possibly of love and kindness decreases materially.

 Doubt and fear also threaten our confidence and courage.  Opening ourselves to questioning our goals and beliefs swiftly shuts down ambition and sensible risk taking.  Unless directly and quickly addressed, fear and doubt succeed in convincing us that it is not worth the effort or engagement to attempt  challenging or aspirational ambitions.  Doubt and fear are bottomless pits: there is no limit to how deep and dysfunctional these feelings can go in polluting our wellness and sense of worth.

 I am not suggesting mindless and careless indifference to possible threats, but rather pondering whether we have the balance right between love and doubt; trust and fear.  I feel now is the time to start thinking and designing our post-Covid life and the ‘new normal’.  The more positive emotions like love, kindness, inclusion and tolerance are incorporated into this new, revised world, the more promising our tomorrows will be.  .

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JET LAG

Recently I travelled and was blessed with jet lag.  Yes, BLESSED!!  I had not experienced jet lag in almost two years, and what a total joy it was.  Why?  Because jet lags means I have travelled at least six or more time zones away and must be in a very different environment  / continent.  And isn’t that what travelling is all about?

 Jet lag takes about three days to get over, with the second afternoon and night being less than comfortable or complete, but after that your body clock resets and the adventure really starts.

 Like many of the more special experiences of life, there are some downsides but also immense upsides.  Some inconveniences are generally the price we pay for the awesome memories. 

 The saying ‘No pain, no gain’ is, in my experience, absolutely true.  It doesn’t take long for the gains to materialize and the pains to disappear from our awareness and recollection. 

 I admit that initially I am very aware  of the challenges and costs of engaging in a new activity. However, I approach these teething challenges as the price to be paid.  Knowing in advance there will be “jet lag” makes the actual occurrence more manageable.  Instead, I try to focus on the benefit any  challenges afford.  Causing awesome memoires often requires an adventurous spirit, willing to seek out new knowledge and experiences.  The pains and the gains merge into new and vibrant recollections that will be savoured  for a very long time.

 There is a 100% effective and safe cure for jet lag: never journey far from home.  If one never changes and tries new experiences, then the adjustments and challenges of new adventures will never be felt.  Certainly, there will be few pains, but similarly there will be few gains.  Look carefully at your cost-benefits and consider am I playing things too safe? Maybe it would be advantageous to live with a little more risk taking and uncertainty.

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FEAR AND FRACTIONS

Christine Lagarde suggested: 

Fear is incomplete information.

Whereas incomplete knowledge is not the only explanation for being fearful, it certainly plays a leading role. The fight or flight reflex is based on the premise that where there is uncertainty, our primal instinct is to be frightened and alert, until we are better informed about what is going on. Better to be cautious then casual.

 In 2021, is our fearful nature appropriate or helpful? The rate of deaths per million (or thousand) from war, natural disasters, violence, disease, famine, pandemics and dictatorships has NEVER been as low as it is now. (*) Absolutely, the numbers are high, but today there are over 7.8 billion humans compared to 1.9 billion humans a century earlier: a fourfold increase.  Furthermore, death and tragedy unfortunately make “good” news reporting and increase readership.

An important part of fear management is taking Christine's observation to a rather mundane but useful topic of fractions (and probability). Yes, there are many worrying phenomenon out there (take your pick), but how real are these risks to you? Taking the example of Covid, for much of the early reporting days during the first wave in the UK, the media  focused on the absolute number of US fatalities but failed to note that their rate per million was much lower than the UK or most EU states. No one talked about Belgium, which was in by far the worst state. On the other end, Canada (and BC particularly), was the poster child of excellence, but it was difficult to discern any calm.

So, what is my point? Certainly not to be negligent or foolhardy.  But rather to pause when things are becoming anxious and consider the rate and type of danger imagined. How likely is the challenge contemplated going to happen?  Is it one in a hundred, thousand, million or ???? Note that a daily rate of one in a million means, on average, it will take 1,000,000 days (or 2,740 years) before it will affect you, in all likelihood.  When an event is reported, pause and consider what the sample size is (usually very small, perhaps a few dozen) and the total population size that the sample is taken from (usually very large and in the millions).  Suddenly the news item becomes uninteresting, and your fear subsides.

Observing your fears objectively and rationally may result in many of them evaporating, which makes for a better day.  Rather sober and boring advice to imagine the rate of the phenomena, but that is what more complete knowledge looks like. Remember, there is a third alternative to fight or flight, being to PAUSE and reflect.

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*:  Consider the research of Steven Pinker (The Better Angels of Our Nature) or Hans Rosling (Factfulness), which conclude that life is far safer now than it has ever been in recorded history, after looking at actual data (inevitably we all do die but much older, on average, than ever before).

EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY

 John Lennon noted:

‘Everything will be okay in the end … 

If it’s not okay, then it is not the end.’"

This short observation of life certainly has been proven correct so many times in my life.  Looking back at my many missteps and errors, I note that but for a very few occasions, things ended on satisfactory or pleasing notes; they did indeed end up being okay. We all make mistakes, but somehow things seem to work out, eventually. 

To start the process of recovery, it was essential that I privately and profoundly acknowledged my mistakes, accepting responsibility for my actions and the consequences: no blame shifting or looking for scape goats.  Feeling a victim only prolongs the healing process.  Next, there must be a lesson to be learned: to make mistakes is human, to repeat the mistake is total foolishness.  Where apologies or requests for forgiveness are required, we need to get on with it.  Where there were others involved that may have contributed to the situation, unconditional forgiving of them may also be required. 

Now the harder part; waiting and patience.  Reasonably, when I erred, it is fair game that some time is required to absorb, learn from and get over the event.  Nothing instant or overnight.  Months may pass but the “not being okay” state did pass eventually.  What was curious was when the dust finally settled, the new “okay” was frequently very different then I had imagined and sometimes better than before the process started.

Finally, let’s check if matters are actually OKAY.  Looking at my past transgressions I apply the erase test.  What is this?  Imagine that personal error had never occurred and 100% of ALL related knock-on effects were forever erased and had also never occurred.  Speculate as to whether you would be where you are today, in your current reality.  More likely than  not, much of your current circumstances would be otherwise. If you are okay with where you are now, then indeed it is the end of that episode and it did end well.

Work with the healing process: matters will be okay or better, eventually.

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COURAGE

The pandemic has brought to my attention how differently individuals have reacted to the risks associated with Covid.  At one end there are those that have taken the idea of social distancing to the extreme.  A sense of anxiousness envelops them.  Some others have an almost, ”What’s the problem?” perspective.  Indifference describes them. And somewhere in-between most of us sit. Our reactions display different levels of anxiety and fear. Or posed another way, how much courage you have.

It is worth noting that you cannot be courageous unless you are also afraid: courage is about how you handle being frightened. Courage is not allowing fear to rule your decisions.  Courage is about how you deal with uncertainty; do you run away or carefully consider the odds and alternatives and make an informed confident decision accordingly.

A world that does not require courage would be a world where nothing changes: a place of  total certainty, no surprises, no mystery or adventure. There is no correct reaction to the challenges, but life outcomes are materially influenced by your “courage choices.”

The brain does not fully develop the part that manages risk taking until your late teens.  One reason suggested is that being more fearless and courageous as a youngster gives us boundaries as to what works and what doesn’t.  Later, when we become parents, this helps us provide saver environments for our own children.  An important part of maturity is the lessons learned from your successful and unsuccessful life experiments and experiences of your youth.

How do you cope with fearful situations?   Do you default to being afraid, or push to expand your comfort zone and sense of adventure?  May I suggest being continuously more courageous is the way to go, but one step-at-a-time. Remember to learn from your successes and failures, don’t repeat your disappointments and adjust your risk-taking accordingly.

Note: Please get vaccinated: it is good for others (and yourself).

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DO THINGS FOR THE RIGHT REASONS

Why do I do what I do when I do what I do?  We see a focus on the quick pay-off, hit-and-run motivation driving so much of our life.  Do whatever, bill the client, get a jolt of pleasure and ignore whether there is a higher purpose to our existence.  Do I ask whether my conduct is proper in the long run?  Is what I do helpful for humanity? My soul? My community? 

I would argue that putting money, success or a moment of pleasure before wellness is a formula for disappointment and underachievement.  Much better to do things for noble reasons.  The fruit of this will certainly be a more positive sense of self and purpose.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, you reap what you sow.   When we only concern ourselves with the short term, we get an immediate but non-sustainable bit of joy.  Before you do something, speculate whether it is good for your longer-term goals.  If yes, you will likely be rewarded with a more joyful and purposeful future. 

I have also been so fortunate to teach students who became extremely successful in their chosen career.  What distinguished them way back when I first encountered them was that they were fascinated and excited with commerce.  They sought out their career for the right reason; it empowered and inspired them and now they are respected leaders in their communities.

Doing things for short term benefits is largely a zero-sum strategy. You get back an amount equal to what you give up.  Do things for less noble reasons and you may get a short term pay-off, but in the longer term your reputation for integrity and honesty may be challenged.

Do things because it is good for others, the environment, or for a higher purpose. Over an extended period one of the most prized benefits will emerge, a good reputation.  Others will see you as someone with integrity, someone they trust, want to do business with and be with.

Regularly consider whether your actions will improve or undermine your reputation. If your reputation is improved, your well-being will also flourish.

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BEING A BETTER YOU

Seven independent themes in the self-improvement literature are listed below:

          I.            Be the best version of yourself that you can be.

        II.            Only compare yourself to your yesterday.

     III.            Go with your strengths, manage your weaknesses.

     IV.            Be kind to yourself.

       V.            Strive to be 0.1% better every day.

     VI.            Acknowledge and savour your successes.

  VII.            What gets measured or observed gets done.

VIII.            Risk excellence.

I have not seen these suggestions combined, but taken together they are an excellent strategy for self-improvement:

To put this process into action, start by making an inventory of both your strengths and your weaknesses. Be honest and blunt about yourself, as none of us are either perfect or totally imperfect.  Next, select one or two of the weaknesses that are hampering you from becoming a better person.  For example, I decided to focus on being more patient and less prone to being frustrated.  Then, mindfully monitor your thoughts and actions. 

Compare your progress in managing your weaknesses.  Expect setbacks but also progress.  After a few weeks, change tact, and select one or two of your redeeming qualities which can also be improved and increase the frequency that you express them. Ultimately it is always better to lead with your strengths and manage your weaknesses. Interestingly, when you change your focus, the earlier targets still get attention in your sub-conscious self.  Shaking things up accelerates becoming a better version of you.

Please be kind to yourself.  That’s where the 0.1% daily improvement goal comes into play.  Whereas 0.1% sound small, that is precisely the point.  Being a better you is a  continuous improvement project, played out over a lifetime.  Small, baby steps do make huge differences in a relatively short period of time.  At 0.1% daily improvement, after a year you are a 40% better version of yourself; that is serious progress!

Finally, please acknowledge your progress.  This encourages you to keep on track and set new goals and expectations.  What get measures or observed gets done;  and what you do not recognize tends to lapse.  If you ignore your effort, it may only be a short matter of time before your “better you” project fails.

Being the best version of you is a project well worth investing in.  The rewards for you and your acquaintances will be significant. Risk excellence!

 Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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BEING PATIENT

Being patient is not one of my strong points.  Being impatient has, on more than one occasion, had significant career consequences.  However, as I have gotten older, I have improved on this score.   Recently, I learned a bit of the science behind patience, which has improved my ability to demonstrate it.

Patience might sound like a modest virtue, but it’s the essence of two primary factors in mental health and worldly success. The first is delay of gratification, the willingness to put off immediate rewards for the sake of a greater future reward. The second is distress tolerance, the capacity to endure a painful or uncomfortable experience without making a bad thing worse.*

What I find helpful from this dissection of patience is that it identifies two rather different inputs: delaying gratification and distress tolerance.  Each of these give me ideas for different strategies to manage my impatience. 

Explicitly acknowledging that I am delaying gratification keeps me focused on the fact that the reward is coming, I just must wait.  Being mindful I am deferring gratification lets me know what I should be doing, and thereby significantly reduces  my impatience.  Knowing that I am practicing deferring gratification is helpful, as this skill is one of the most important contributors to overall wellness and success.  Mindfully waiting for pleasure or joy also materially enhances the later happiness.

Being made to wait for something pleasurable induces an element of distress or discomfort.  Knowing this is part of the process, I just grin and bear it. Knowing the stress will go away soon enough makes waiting that much easier. I remember when I quit smoking (eighteen years ago), just by distracting myself for ten seconds it took my mind off the cigarette, and the desire to smoke would go away (and it generally did). 

Recently, I was in a slow car parade with the lead driver going 2/3 of the posted speed limit.  I practiced being patient.  I started with acknowledging that all I was deferring was the idea of getting home a little earlier.  The distress tolerance started by accepting that fact that the experience was not really that unpleasant and getting home sooner or later by five minutes was no big deal.  Seeing others behind and in front of me suggested I was not alone; misery often loves company.  Patience prevailed over getting too worked up.

I’m no poster person for patience.  However, being able to reason and feel my way through the waiting period allows my slow thinking self to take over my fast thinking nature.  Using the science behind patience does encourage greater serenity. Learning and being more patient is so good for the soul. 

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*: Rick Hanson, "Resilient: 12 Tools for transforming everyday experiences into lasting happiness"

SEEING THINGS IN BLACK AND WHITE

Black and white, Yes/No, Zero/One, binary logic assumes that there are absolute solutions or answers to many of life’s riddles.  Ambiguity is unnecessary and unwelcome.  Debating, discussing or pondering complex issues seems to be politically incorrect and unwelcome at times.

There appears to be a ‘politically correct’ answer to many of the troubling challenges society is facing.  People sometimes refuse to express their opinions because they believe they are ‘not allowed to say or think that’ in public.  Between identity politics and populism, the boundaries of critical thinking and inquiry are being reduced, and scope for intolerance increased.

Are most issues where others differ that simple? Are there no trade-offs where others might see things differently?  Are their priorities universal?  Are their lenses and perceptions complete, correct or necessarily relevant? What happened to complexity, lateral thinking, compromise  and “I beg to differ” legitimacy?

Black and white logic is quick and with like-minded colleagues, effective for team and friendship building.  However, binary thinking often comes at the expense of tolerance, inclusiveness, critical thinking, liberal democracy and a civil society.  Maybe both sides are correct, but for different reasons and to different degrees.

What I am petitioning for is tolerance, inclusiveness and compromise.  If you want any semblance of peace and wellness in your life you will need to let go of being right or better than others.  Enjoy diversity of opinion.  See what you can learn from others’ perspectives.  Remember, if you mix black and white together you get grey, which is generally the equitable solution to most complicated dilemmas.

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IF LIFE IS A JOURNEY, THEN ….

I often refer to my life as a journey and forget that there have been and are so many people on this journey with me.  Perhaps I should modify this refrain and state rather:  “My life is a PLANE journey”, for so it was and is.

As I pause and reflect on this communal voyage, I am amazed how many others have made this trip so awesome.  Passengers have got on and off my PLANE, changed their seats to be nearer and further from me, some occasionally taking over the driving or encouraging me to stop. I have been taken to places I had never imagined. Sometimes I was the only one on my plane, which was intense because of its lonesomeness.  Then there were a few nuisance travel-mates who pulled me off track and/or damaged the engine of my plane.  But at the end of the day, I am grateful for EVERY fellow passenger on my life’s plane journey, the wonderful and the troublesome.

What is so inspiring is the wonderful tapestry of serendipitous views and events that my companions shared.  As I look at the seating plan, I was generally in the economy class and occasionally got bumped up to business or first class.    Who were those pilots that strongly influenced my journey?  Who were the stewards who made the trip so comfortable?  Who sat in the seats beside, in-front and behind me?

Wow, what an amazing cast of fellow travelers have been part of my continuing journey.  As I pause and take inventory, there are fifteen or twenty passengers that I can name that I am profoundly grateful to for sharing my journey.  I love savouring their companionship and what it brought with it.  And then there are the thousands of others who paths I crossed who added marvelous colour and depth to the scenery.

So, who are your traveling companions on your plane journey of life? What is your seating plan? What can you bring to another’s life journey to make their journey more joyful?  Once in the while,  stop looking out the window and watch your fellow passengers!

Do make your life journey and plane ride a trip that works for you.  Relish the fellowship and banter of your traveling buddies.  And let go a little about the destination, provided you keep going in the general direction that lines up with your life mission and purpose.

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RESTORYING YOUR STORY

Our past is a marvelous collection of experiences and serendipitous coincidences.  However, within this collage are about 30 minutes in my life that went rather badly and seem to crowd out too much of my joy.  There are times in my past where a joke, self-introduction, lecture or chance encounter went pear-shaped, and more than a few times when I lost my temper and spoke when I should have kept quiet.  I have ruminated about these mishaps endlessly.  In each of these cases, it is deep embarrassment, disappointment and regret that I feel. 

Recently I decided “enough was enough”. I needed to  let go and forgive myself these missteps.  I decided to restory my story, to tell my story differently and compassionately, especially to myself. 

I decided to stop repeating the “What if” drama.  This was essential: what has been done cannot be undone, so ruminating is pointless and unhelpful.  Next, I decided to put my mistake into context and consider it as a learning opportunity.  As each of these stories was largely the result of inexperience, youth, impatience or an experiment gone badly. I decided to enjoy the story as an example of growing up and one of those rites of passage.  Each of these episodes was an example of growing up, taking risks and/or letting my enthusiasm get in the way of being more prudent.  And if there is an apology that can be made, it has been done.

Restorying is part revising and re-writing history, but more importantly, it is owning your mistakes, feeling remorse and letting go.  I now can share these faux pas and smile, especially to myself.  There are some life lessons that need to be learned the hard way.  If I could apply the erase test and forever erase these stories, I likely would not be where I am today, and other mishaps would have replaced these events.  But I rather like where I am now, so it all worked out.

What is the point of restorying?  Own your story, consider it a learning opportunity, remember the life lesson it taught you and tell it to yourself in a gentle and forgiving way.  And then let go of the sadness and remorse that comes with that story, smile and more on.  Also remember, 30 minutes in a lifetime is rather short relative to the big picture and duration of the rest of our life.

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KINDNESS

What do you imagine to be the most important quality that women and men seek in a sustained relationship? David Buss tested over 10,000 people from 37 different cultures and concluded that consistently the most important attribute was kindness.*  Whereas this conclusion may not be surprising, it certainly is reassuring.  Kindness is  powerful and universally appreciated. It is valued in all our relationships and interactions.

In all our hurrying about, do we spend enough time being kind?  Do we speculate what random or deliberate acts of kindness we might do to improve another’s day?  The word LOVE is sung and wrote about, but is that really what the world needs more of?  Yes, love is wonderful, but how about just being and acting in a kind and thoughtful way?

Kindness is an action word; it is something one actually does (or does not do).  Kindness can be seen and explicitly experienced by others.  Acting kindly requires one to think about or imagine someone else’s situation and directly engage with satisfying that request.  Kindness and thoughtfulness are a team, with thoughtfulness starting the process.

Mindfully being kind has strong synergy: not only do you make some else’s moment better, but it also lifts your spirits, and the opportunities for kindness are almost infinite. Simple actions like being courteous, generous, helpful  or differential are the sparks that start the kindness cycle.  Others do note these actions if they are done in an authentic and selfless manner.  The more random and anonymous these acts of kindness are, the more it improves your wellbeing and joy in that moment.

We as a species are described as mankind.  Let’s release our kindness and live up to our name and calling.  Please be kind (and tolerant).

 Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*:          Buss, David M. 1989. “Sex Differences in Human Mate Preferences.” Behavioral and Brain Sciences

WHEN PREPARATION MEETS OPPORTUNITY

Some people just seem to be so lucky or blessed.  Life just seems to go their way. Why so??  Why not me?

One views suggests that luck is passive, random and largely beyond one’s control. Good things might happen to me, but I do not cause them to happen.  Another view is that luck is less random and is often caused or encouraged by mindful intervention.

Steven Leacock has said, “I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more of it I have.” I think that being lucky in life largely occurs when preparation meets opportunity.

One can significantly increase one’s likelihood of good fortune in life by consciously maturing skills and attitudes that are useful in one’s line of work. Putting yourself at risk and exposing yourself to opportunity is also a major factor. So many people miss out on opportunities because they do not put themselves forward, often from the mistaken belief that they are not good enough.

 For your career or calling, start by learning your craft and developing your skills, observing closely the rules of the game in your profession and identifying influencers or key players in that area.  Start walking the walk and talking the talk. Be authentic and focused, but also be realistic. Unrealistic hopes are bound to disappoint; but realistic aspirations, deliberately planned, seem to yield “luckier” outcomes. This is the preparation part.

Next, start looking for those opportunities.  Put yourself at risk and expose yourself to situations where opportunities related to your calling or aspirations are present. Cause opportunity by going outside your comfort zone and try networking beyond your traditional circle of acquaintances. Invest some of your leisure time to researching in detail the more complex aspects of your goal.

An important ingredient of luck is to be in the right place at the right time, with the requisite skills.  Strategically do your preparation and imagine not only your next move, but your next several moves – having a plan doesn’t mean it will succeed, but it must be better than having no plan at all. It is no coincidence that those who work harder and smarter seem to be luckier. And once the ball starts rolling, luck seems to multiply and flow more easily.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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W.E.I.R.D.*

Being tolerant and inclusive is one of the hallmarks of wellbeing.  Yet, I must admit that I often find it hard to understand and appreciate how others could hold such different views and opinions to myself.  When I read in the news of events in Asia, Africa and South America it is often so foreign to what I think is proper and acceptable.  I wonder how these strangers could accept or tolerate such challenging circumstances.  I speculate that I would stand up and oppose their situation.

Then I learned about how you and I are likely very WEIRD.  WEIRD stands for:

Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich and Democratic

We see the world though our WEIRD lens and imagine that others are unusual.  However, when you look at the data, us WEIRD folks are at best only 12% of the world population and therefore more the exception than the rule.  Over 90% of the psychological and behavioural research is conducted on our small sample population. How we perceive and judge others is significantly influenced by our abnormal (and we imagine fortunate) set of circumstances.  From these findings, we extrapolate to generalize about how others might react to a given situation. 

Acknowledging that where I am coming from is exceptional is very sobering.  Each of these five variables is extremely powerful in shaping my world view.  Take any one of these identifiers away  and my situation and view of normal or fair is turned upside-down.  Judging others and their sense of fairness is very exclusive and elite.  So much of our WEIRDness is hard wired into our world view.

Being tolerate and inclusive is immensely challenging but essential to our wellness.  I suggest that the solution is not to abandon our unique bounty but rather to let go of judging others based on our perceptions and values.  We should carefully consider whether it is our WEIRDness that is driving our judgements. 

Life is wonderfully complex. Maybe we are in the minority and wrong.  Consider carefully your own biases before jumping to conclusions or judging others choices.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: Ara Norenzayan et al, The weirdest people in the world? , Behavioural and Brain Science (2010)

CONFIDENCE

Having coached learners for several decades, one essential skill I especially focused on was confidence.  I suggested that without feeling and acting confidently in an exam (or real life) situation, the candidate was certain to do less well.  Confidence gives us the courage to believe we know what we are talking about, avoid second-guessing ourselves and proudly show what we know.  Turns out there is curious science to support my advice.

Susan Kruger* notes that when we receive information it travels up our spinal cord towards the neural networks of the brain.  The first part of the brain to get the information is our emotional centre, which considers whether the stimuli pose a threat to our safety.  If the brain perceives any danger, then it diverts energy from the rest of the brain to address the challenge.  And this of course is the fight-or-flight response we are all hardwired with.  The fast thinking reflex does not distinguish between physical or emotional risks, it just automatically kicks in.  Whereas this reflex can save our life, it also undermines our ability to learn.  This energy we are hoarding to address the hazard creates obstructions  and takes resources from fully engaging in the learning experience. Put into a learning context, being fearful or anxious while trying to learn significantly reduces our learning effectiveness as we are in resistance mode and not much is being absorbed.  To prevail over the fight-or-flight habit, confidence is the best defense.  Replacing fear with curiosity, intrigue or awe opens the brain to accept, process and understand new knowledge, and begin to learn.  Confidence is gentle as it disarms our brain. Confidence also reinforces the learning process.  As new knowledge is acquired, we begin to comfortably believe we know it and longer term understanding occurs.

Looking at confidence in our Covid-19 world can also be helpful.   Anxiety and fearfulness  seem to be everywhere and spreading rapidly.  Confidence and hopefulness is not a vaccine against the virus, but is it a useful remedy to otherwise being in state of perpetual fight-or-flight panic.  Confidence means stepping back, before trying to unscramble the catalogue of alarming news, then figuring out what really relates to us  and what we can pro-actively do to calm our spirits.  Confidence is about taking control of our situation, understanding the complex trade-offs that we must make in our weird Covid world.  Confidence boosts our spirit, a powerful  anti-dote to the prevailing mood.

Cultivate and mature your confidence, it will reward you in so many ways.

Reflection Source:

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

*: As described in "The Science of Self-Learning: How to Teach Yourself Anything” by Peter Hollins

COMPASSION

What an interesting word “compassion” is.  Is compassion the same as empathy, sympathy, or subtly different?  Are they synonyms?  Like shades of any colour, these three emotions are close.  I would suggest that compassion is a richer and more vivid colour.

A good place to start would be with definitions:

Compassion: a deep sympathy for the sorrows of others, with an urge to alleviate their pain.

Empathy:  ability to imagine oneself in the condition of another, a vicarious participation in another’s emotions.

Sympathy: a general kinship with another’s feelings, no matter of what kind. *

So what?  Maybe a lot, maybe a little.  What I note is that the term empathy seems to be the most common of these emotions.  Is this because empathy best describes the feeling, or do we mean compassion? 

The psychologist Paul Bloom** carefully analysed empathy and suggests that society would be better served with rational compassion.   He notes that empathy (and sympathy), are kind, but is it helpful for the person in grief?  Both are passive and immediate, but are they concerned with solving the underlying challenge? Both focus on a specific instance or person (which he called the spotlight effect), but too often do not engage with the complexity of a situation, or with the larger community of others in similar conditions.

So, what does Paul Bloom suggest?  One should step back from the immediate situation, look at the larger set of circumstances, and carefully consider any uncomfortable trade-offs that may be required to address the troubling dilemma. Compassion is about alleviating a pain, which is more than feeling sorry. He encourages compassion for the larger community in similar situations, rather than dwelling on the specific individual.   Compassion is about solving challenging problems rather than focusing on symptoms and quick fixes.

Compassion is effortful and uncomfortable.  It is about asking difficult questions, saying NO and rationing scarce resources, be they emotional, spiritual or financial.  But, in the longer run, compassion does more for mankind because it solves future difficulties that we will not hear about because they are gone.  Which may just be the real point.

Reflection Source: www.Smalmercup.org

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

 *:  The Free Dictionary by Farlex

**: Paul Bloom, Against Empathy, the Case for Rational Compassion

UNHELPFUL ATTITUDES

I can remember being in my early twenties and proudly cynical and sarcastic.  It was pompous youthfulness on display.  The more contrary and mocking I was of the present situation, the wiser I felt.  What a youthful fool I was. Somewhere in my thirties I let go of these unhelpful attitudes, but secretly held onto many of their related  judgemental perspectives.  And finally, after far too much mocking and a false sense of self-righteousness, I realized I was raining on my own parade.  Can you relate to this rite of passage?

Letting go of being cynical and sarcastic is not that hard, but to stop being judgemental is a real challenge.  I struggle with a tendency to judge others as though I have all the right questions and answers.  What is especially noteworthy is that being judgemental bring no joy or wellness to myself or anyone else.  Rather it fuels anger and pride, sowing division and intolerance instead.  I notice that with all the increased tension, frustration, anxiety and impatience because of Covid (and Trump), our judgemental nature is only becoming more pronounced and outspoken.  Scary times!!

So where to start to become less judgemental? How about admitting to oneself that being judgemental is an unhelpful and destructive habit.  Next, let go where you can, stop vocally labelling certain people or views as “stupid”.  Silencing your public judgement will quiet your inner whisper.  Accept the fact that you do not know all the facts about the situation.  Start imagining that you may be wrong, and others are right.  And finally, admit that your opinion generally really does not matter much (except at election time).

Unhelpful attitudes that started with being cynical and sarcastic, and matured into being self-righteous and judgemental, get no one anywhere.  Try reframing these attitudes with tolerance, inclusiveness, compassion and patience.  You will feel much better thereafter.

Reflection Source: www.Smalmercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

Physically distance, never socially distance.