POST-TRUTH

Truth is the quality or state of being true. Wikipedia adds ‘of being in accord with fact or reality’.

What is especially unsettling is the suggestion that we now live in a post-truth society, where truth does not matter or matters less. Now, emotions and personal beliefs can trump what was previously considered to be either true or false.  Post-truth views deliberately confuse opinions and facts.  By cherry picking facts and statistics, fantasy becomes reality, and truth and respect optional.  Worse, those that disagree with us become our opponents and we, the rightful victors of justice and whatever, are right and true.  Somehow this does not sound like a situation with a happy or positive ending.

But what does this have to do with wellness?  A lot!!  The more the post-truth notion gains hold in society, the less tolerant, compassionate and inclusive we seem to have become.  Identity politics has become more accepted.  Identity politics considers it fair game to cast very negative views on another’s character just because they do not agree with our views or perspectives.  Rather than being inclusive and tolerant of those that differ on matters of opinion, those that disagree are often described in unkind terms and held in distain.

Two central hallmarks of a liberal democracy are the encouragement of differing points of view, and the tolerance of these differences.  By a process of debate, over time, society evolves and improves.  But central to this evolution is respect for the truth and opportunities for society to learn and change. But that takes time and patience..

Perhaps it is Covid, politics, social (not physical) distancing or whatever, but I have noticed recently in the media and on the streets a reduction in civility and inclusiveness.  Post-truth judgementalism seems to have undermined some of the kindness and compassion we feel for others; a slippery slope to go down.

I pray that in 2021 truth returns to take centre stage and with it brings respect and patience for those we disagree with.  May opinions be accepted as opinions and not as facts. That is certainly one of my new year’s aspirations.  I know this tolerance will significantly enhance my wellbeing and joy in 2021.

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

WHAT HAVE I LEARNED IN 2020?

After fifty-one reflections, it might be timely to consider how my smaller cup has changed – what have I learned?  In a word, PATIENCE.  Being patient is such an important quality which expresses itself in so many ways.  Through patience I am learning:

·         To let go of what might have been, and to be joyful in what is.

·         To consciously re-frame my present moment to have a (more) positive perspective.

·         To get through less exciting days, have a smaller cup that grows and is reasonably full.

·         To be a human being not a human doing.  This is helpful to your well-being - seek to be in the present moment more and avoid multi-tasking wherever possible.

·         To be kind, compassionate and generous to others. That richly rewards my spirits, as well as helping others.

·         To savour, using much freer time to remember fond memories. This made my today’s better and inspired my dreams for a better tomorrow.

·         To prefer tele-scoping and looking forward with promise and wonder, over micro-scoping inward, with a sense of remiss and regret.

·         To use explanatory words that are hopeful, glorious, grateful and modestly proud.

·         To remind myself that desserts is stressed spelt backwards. I need to put more sweetness into my present moment.

·         To be an optimalist (where good enough is excellent) rather than a perfectionist (where only excellence is good enough).

·         If I always give, I will always have.

·         To be careful what I focus on. Not watching the news before going to bed materially improved my dreamscape.

The challenge for next year is to keep applying these lessons, and to make the most of all my opportunities in 2021 (as I have waited a long time for them).

And similarly you might wonder how your well-being journey has changed – what have you learned?  Rather than a New Year’s resolution, do a last year’s self-reflection, and be grateful for how the last year may have changed your perspectives.

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

RULES

I have never been a big fan or follower of rules.  Perhaps it is because I grew up in the rebellious late 60’s, or because I was a middle child trying to carve my own destiny.  However, in another way, I am an absolute subscriber to rules, subject to three constraints being:

First, there are not very many (maximum twenty);

Second, the rules are robust and based on strong first principles;

Third, although the rules may have their basis in the Bible, law or other wisdoms,  I have personally applied them to myself and made them MY INTERNALIZED RULES.

So, what do rules have to do with wellness?  A lot.  Rules can reduce what is called ego depletion.

   Ego depletion refers to the idea that self-control or willpower draws upon a limited pool of mental resources that can be used up.  When the energy for mental activity is low, self-control is typically impaired, which would be considered a state of ego depletion.” *

Temptations of all sorts are everywhere.  Being honest can be very challenging.  Dan Ariely wrote an insightful book on honesty.**   Based on his research, he noted  we are almost naturally inclined to being less than totally honest.  We have all sorts of irrational justifications for cheating.  He had few remedies to our cheating frailty other than rules,  which he followed almost unquestionably. 

Why do rules work?  They counter ego depletion; rather than debating the pros and cons of a choice, we automatically follow the rule and act accordingly.  Rules counter going down the slippery slope of saying YES and not knowing when or how to say NO.  I was raised with the Ten Commandments hardwired into my brain (my first ten rules) and that has made making better choices so much easier.  Rules free up a lot of wellness space, as ego depletion is significantly reduced. Rules provide borders if thoughtfully designed. 

Most rules are short and based on your values (don’t steal, show fidelity, avoid jealousy, etc), The challenge is to know what YOUR RULES ARE and WHY THEY MATTER AND DEFINE YOU.  It is amazing how empowering these personal rules can be. 

What are your rules?  If a young adult asked you what your life rules were,  could you readily list them?  Rules can significantly improve our wellbeing.  

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

*: Wikipedia

**: The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty, Dan Ariely

INTERPERSONAL CONTACT

Often, I wonder how we, as humans, can come to such different conclusions when considering some of the important challenges facing us.  Whatever the issue: the environment, politics, race relations, sexuality, or religion, the differences and nuances of opinion can be myriad.  As a society, are we getting less tolerant of those who disagree with or differ from our own viewpoints?  Do we even know or strive to really understand what makes others take such radically opposing views to ourselves anymore, or do we just seek out those who agree with our standpoints?

We can all harbour prejudices or negative stereotypes towards those who disagree with us.  I do not like this conclusion, but I must accept it has some merit.  So how can I turn this situation around?

Two psychologists* completed a meta-analytic study on prejudice by reviewing the finding of over 500 studies, involving 250,000 participants in over 35 countries.  They came to an obvious but powerful conclusion.  Simply put,  interpersonal contact is one of the most effective ways to reduce prejudice. I found this finding very consoling and helpful.  Those troubling concerns I noted earlier are largely because I have no real contact with those with views or backgrounds different from my own and consequently, I form stereotypes which are often unhelpful or unkind.

It is problematic that I have too much contact with like-minded, socio-economic, ethnically similar people.  I must remember that we are a small minority of mankind.  Social media, news organizations and our own busy schedules can easily make it convenient to form associations of friends that are exclusive and insular. 

I must challenge myself to make more contact with  those who are different from me.  I must try to deliberately be more inclusive and tolerant.  I must accept the fact that others have a natural and legitimate prejudice against me, because they do not any have contact with me. 

Acknowledging and accepting that I have a natural but unhelpful tendency to be prejudiced is a good place to start in terms of turning this situation around.

*: T. Pettigrew and L. Tropp,  Does Intergroup Contact Reduce Prejudice? Meta-Analytic Finding, 2008

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

THE FIRST THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD HUMAN

I recently listened to a futuristic TEDx talk by Aubrey De Grey*.  He suggested that the first thousand-year-old human has already been born! He was excited and enthusiastic that the science was there to make it all come together soon…  the aging process could be stalled, and cell regeneration and other remedies started instead.  He seemed to imply that longevity was the ultimate holy grail for the all science, the goal of life itself.

My reaction was one of feeling troubled, but also rather pleased that I was likely to escape a 1,000 (or even 100) year fate.  I am older and very content to be nearing my best before date.  To imagine that the point or goal of my life is to live for an extremely long time is to misstate or misunderstand my personal raison d’etre; nothing is  further from the truth.

Is the meaning of life to merely live the longest, or is it to live a good life? Is the solution to mortality immortality?  Is being finite better than being infinite?  We are blessed with mortal and finite limitations, but it is our potential while in the finite stage that most inspires me.

Does living for longer necessarily enhance the overall quality of life? My personal guess is mine would be materially reduced.  If I had that much time, where would purpose fit in? Why concern oneself with living purposefully when there is always tomorrow?  Knowing I am mortal focuses my attention on making the most of my limited time on earth.  Take purpose  away from me and I might as well play with my smart phone ten hours a day and top that off with several hours of Netflix.  Longevity is not in opposition to purpose, but it could readily take away its importance. Time has a wonderful way of clarifying one’s attention.

I would rather live deliberately and purposefully, and experience the richness and awe of life, than be in some contest as to who can outlive others without purpose.  As I get older, the notion of purpose becomes more urgent, precisely because there is an end in sight. 

Many of you may disagree with me and that is wonderful. Please  consider how central purpose is to your life and live/plan your finite life accordingly.

*: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvWtSUdOWVI

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

COMPETE OR COMPLETE

I have taught business in a university environment for over thirty-five years.  Over these years I note that the favour and focus of  learners,  society  and faculty has changed.  Sadly, it seems business has become overly focused on profit, market share, WINNING and a blind faith that the marketplace should decide what is proper, moral or constructive.   In the early  ‘80’s, business and financial matters received far less media attention.  Not so today: financial concerns seem to justify too much of what society values and measures.   Is there a better way to be financially and socially successful?

John C. Maxwell* suggested a change in our financial mindset from competing to completing.  Maxwell describes the competing attitude as focusing on WIN-LOSE, excluding others, scarcity, selfishness and zero sum.  A completing attitude values WIN-WIN, including others, abundance, selflessness and growth.

Yes, the competing perspective has significantly improved our standard of living.  However, a phenomena called the ‘Easterlin paradox’ notes that over the past fifty years or more, per capital income adjusted for inflations has more than doubled, but measures of personal happiness in the West have remained constant at 30%, meaning that about 30% of the population continues to describe themselves as happy.** 

The most rewarding aspect of the completing mindset is that it brings joy, gratitude and serenity to us and others.  You may be a little less wealthy, but you feel so much healthier and more connected to others.

After all this improvement in our material wealth it seems like it is time to shift to a completing, cooperative and collaborative perspective.  Competition and our current capitalist model needs to become more inclusive.  The issues of climate change, inequity and intolerance are not topics that competing seems designed to resolve in a timely manner.

Consider replacing WIN-LOSE challenges to WIN-WIN opportunities, and we will all be better off. 

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

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*:  Leadershift by John C.Maxwell

**: Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth by Ed Diener, Robert Biswas-Diener

10,000 INFLUENCES

In ourselves, we can be both very influential and very influenced.  According to  sociologists, even the most isolated individual will influence 10,000 other people during his or her lifetime!*  We are in turn significantly influenced, on average, by at least 25 colleagues, 14 family members and 150 friends and associates over a lifetime.**  That is  a lot of influence going around!  Put another way, we are all rather influential and impressionable.

Being able to influence well over 10,000 others, to me, is an awesome opportunity to make a positive difference in the lives of others.  The example we set by what we do (and don’t do) impacts greatly on others.  In the smallest of ways, both privately and publicly, we should try to set a good example by living uplifting and constructive lives.  Younger folks are watching and noting accordingly.  What values do you find most central and essential to who you are?  Do you actively promote and reinforce these qualities within your circle of influence?  Would others know that these attributes are central to your identity?

Being significantly influenced by about 200 others seems reasonable to me.  I would suggest that about 20 people influenced most of who and what I became, without any one of them I would be a different person.  These 20 had faith in me, were excellent role models, were kind and patient, mentored and monitored me along the way and opened doors.  The next 180 keep me on my path, encouraged me and taught me the finer skills of life.  A limited few were examples of what not to do, especially useful in its own way.

I recently sent a sincere thank you to one of my key enablers, something I would truly recommend.

Being influenced by so many should make us mindful of the company and influencers we associate with or follow.  Role models matter.  On the influential side, perhaps there are some younger folk you could potentially mentor. 

Overall, consider the influences on your own life, and see if you can make these relationships more constructive and effective.

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

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*: Developing the Leader within you 2.0  by John C. Maxwell

**: https://blog.adioma.com/counting-the-people-you-impact-infographic/

SELF-DISCIPLINE*

I cannot imagine a career that does not have annoying aspects, which we find disdainful.  For instance, the Rolling Stones love playing live, but they dislike touring about.  Even the most fortunate and wonderful job has its Achilles heel.  And it is those  negative aspects that can make or break you.

I can attest that in education I have never heard anyone suggest for even a moment that they enjoy marking, but it must be done. And how most of my colleagues delayed and dreaded the grading ordeal! However, I managed to get my marking done quickly and less painfully using self-discipline to make the task more bearable.  What I did for the marking process is transferable to whatever aspect of your job you must regularly do, and especially dislike and procrastinate over.

An essential first step is to plan and design the exam to avoid the mis-steps and reduce the annoying aspects of the subsequent marking.  I focused on maximum efficiency and effectiveness by carefully engineering the exam so subsequent marking was easier and quicker.  As it is wisely said, a  stitch in time saves nine.

Next comes setting goals to motivate and monitor my progress.  These goals MUST BE: small, easily measurable, sequential, frequently achieved and not overly ambitious.  These baby step goals are fundamental and ensure that I regularly experience the joy of successfully completing something. 

Further, as the goals can be measured, I can monitor my progress and that I am getting closer to completion.  I schedule celebrating my micro-completion progress with time outs and rewards. I might swap my focus to a part of the marking project that is essential but agrees with me more as a time out.  Being able to benchmark my progress is motivating and I notice that my endurance improves once I am nearer completion and I can sprint to the finish once it is in sight. Rather than fighting with and procrastinating over the marking project, I must trick my mind and willpower to cooperate and collaborate with each other.  

For me, self-discipline means I must regularly experience pleasure, a sense of achievement and then reward myself for a job well done. This discipline certainly made my overall job satisfaction much higher. 

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*:  Whereas I used this process for years, it was consoling that the following book scientifically supported my process:  "Neuro-Discipline: Everyday Neuroscience for Self-Discipline, Focus, and Defeating Your Brain’s Impulsive and Distracted Nature" by Peter Hollins

PROCRASTINATION

Being recently retired and having an abundance of time, I often find myself procrastinating far too much.  Add to this three month of lockdown and it is especially disappointing how little I can achieve in a day (or week).  This is affecting my sense of well-being.  Perhaps you can relate to my lethargy.   

Not surprisingly, there is lots of advice out there about how to be more productive and overcome waning self-determination.  Being a numbers person, I especially liked these two strategies to up my game:

The first strategy is “The 5 Second Rule”* popularized by Mel Robbins.  This simple rule is that when you have an impulse to do something, you have five seconds to act upon the urge before your sub-conscious highjacks your plan and you start to delay. Before you know it, nothing happens.  Whether it is getting out of bed and not hitting the snooze (for the second or third time), sending that email or completing that task the strategy is to Count backwards five, four, three, two, one, GO (or before) and act.  Don’t hesitate and start coming up with excuses to delay.

The second suggestion is called the 10-10-10 rule.**  The next time you are procrastinating, ask yourself how you will feel in 10 minutes, 10 hours and 10 days if you do (or don’t do) whatever it is you are stalling on.  At the very least, if you do something that nagging feeling will be gone, and more likely that step in the right direction will make you day better.

The reason both these strategies work is because the brain has three imperatives (that we must defeat):

-         The brain is locked in an epic battle with itself, between the instinct for the quickest reaction (emotion) and the most optimal reaction (logic).

-         The brain wants as much pleasure as possible, as fast as possible; an absence of pain and discomfort will also do in most cases. Speed is of the essence for the brain.

-         The brain never wants to sacrifice anything pleasurable. **

To be more productive we must slow the brain down, add logic and reason to the situation and sacrifice immediate pleasure for greater purpose later.  Put another way, we must trick the brain into believing the future will be bigger and better than our natural instincts assume. Or follow the Nike suggestion, and JUST DO IT!!

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*:  "The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage" by Mel Robbins 

**:  "Neuro-Discipline: Everyday Neuroscience for Self-Discipline, Focus, and Defeating Your Brain’s Impulsive and Distracted Nature" by Peter Hollins

PHYSICAL DISTANCING

To me, somewhere along the way, the Covid safety message got lost in translation.  Keeping physical space between households was a wise strategy, but when this became known as ‘social distancing’ something tragic started to happen to our wellbeing and the wellness of others.  Before you knew it, there was a sense of suspicion of others that was emotionally unhelpful. If I may quote the epidemiologist Michael Osterholm:

“I categorically reject the concept of social distancing. It’s physical distancing. I hope we never social distance, ever.”*

What are we told to do when we think we might be in danger from others? Self-isolate!  But wouldn’t something like self-distancing sound kinder and more inclusive? Isn’t the temptation there to feel we are some sort of pariah, and to cut ourselves off from others socially and emotionally too?

Please be clear I do not disagree with the advice of creating space between us, but rather how it is phrased.  Words matter.  Often when I walk about physically separated, I feel that there is an undercurrent of anti-social anger and suspicion brewing amongst some.  Distrust your neighbour, look out for yourself - that person may be dangerous! These views come with so much anxiety and tension attached to them.  A grand strategy for physical health maybe, but extremely unhelpful for mental health and wellbeing.

Covid-19 is a most unfortunate reality.  However, too much focus on the illness and too little focus on wellness leads to increased anxiety, reduced mental health and unleashing an uncomfortable new normal.  Humans by design are social creatures.  We should be doing everything in our power to ensure we have as much contact with others as we can, without that including unlawful physical contact. ALL studies on wellness consider social engagement as an essential ingredient to improved wellbeing and flourishing.

Physical distancing is a respectful, kind and non-judgemental response to our current situation.  Please purge the term SOCIAL DISTANCING from your vocabulary and replace it with the more humane term PHYSICAL DISTANCING.  And increase your social rapport to overcome the remaining distance between us.

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*:  COVID-19: Straight Answers from Top Epidemiologist Who Predicted the Pandemic, by Dan Buettner, Blue Zones, June 6, 2020. Please follow this link for an excellent science based discussion of  Covid-19: https://shar.es/aHLAoO

MIRROR NEURONS

The British have this wonderful phrase called the “knock on effect” to describe how some chain of event or circumstance can influence later situations.  Our emotional state of mind and actions similarly can have profound positive or negative knock on effects.  And there is science to back up these ripple effects:

Scientists found something called mirror neurons: specialized brain cells that can actually sense and then mimic the feelings, actions, and physical sensations of another person. Let’s say a person is pricked by a needle. The neurons in the pain center of his or her brain will immediately light up, which should come as no surprise. But what is a surprise is that when that same person sees someone else receive a needle prick, this same set of neurons lights up, just as though he himself had been pricked. In other words, he actually feels a hint of the pain of a needle prick, even though he himself hasn’t been touched. 

As we pass through the day, our brains are constantly processing the feelings of the people around us, taking note of the inflection in someone’s voice, the look behind their eyes, the stoop of their shoulders. In fact, the amygdala can read and identify an emotion in another person’s face within 33 milliseconds, and then just as quickly prime us to feel the same.  Once people mimic the physical behaviors tied to these emotions, it causes them to feel the emotion themselves.

Smiling, for instance, tricks your brain into thinking you’re happy, so it starts producing the neurochemicals that actually do make you happy. Scientists call this the facial feedback hypothesis, and it is the basis of the recommendation “fake it till you make it.” While authentic positivity will always trump its faux counterpart, there is significant evidence that changing your behavior first— even your facial expression and posture— can dictate emotional change. *  

So what does this have to do with well-being?  Everything!!  We are both mirroring other’s emotions and actions but can also infuse others with how we are feeling.  Various estimates suggest there are nearly 1,000 people within three degrees of most of us (ignoring Facebook).  We can project our positive emotions and wellness to 1,000 others and improve their lives.  We can be like secondhand smoke and either bring people down or uplift their spirits.

Positive feelings will be mirrored by others and have awesome knock-on effects.   Please pass them on and multiply joy and well-being.

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*:  The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology that Fuel Success and Performance at Work  by Shawn Achor 

PERSPECTIVE

The world seems in chaos and confusion, with all the focus on the coronavirus.  What is going on?  Should I stock up on toilet paper and canned goods?  Have I got it already? Yes, I would rather than the coronavirus was not with us, but it is. 

Is panic or pause the better perspective in these troubling times?

I would suggest that panic is the least suitable response, perhaps only appropriate when things truly go off the rails, and perhaps not helpful even then.

Pause would suggest that we carefully research this challenge and start by defining what “bad”, “out-of-control” or “at personal risk of serious health consequences” means statistically and realistically.  What is the probability out of 100 (10,000?) that YOU are at serious risk of death or debilitation?  Pause encourages us to consider the financial costs to ourselves and others if we start to shut down the economy prematurely to manage this health threat.  I know that many individuals will experience financial ruin (bankruptcy), unemployment, delays in their education progress, family trauma and depression.  Anyone directly or indirectly associated with tourism, the service industry or who is part of an international supply chain is at serious economic peril if premature paranoia occurs.   Yes, there is an uncomfortable trade-off between the health and financial consequences when managing this dilemma, but the consequences of over-reacting will be real and profound.  Pause suggests a measured roll-out of our actions to manage this unfortunate situation. Is a few days of flu a reasonable cost if it prevents the economic/ emotional ruin of a friend or a community?

Perspective comes when we consider just how unique and serious the coronavirus really is.  Worldwide as of 19:17 GMT, March 9th,2020 there were 111,817 coronavirus cases, 3,843 deaths and 62,722 recoveries*.  Not great news, but looking at prior years what can we learn?

An estimated 80,000 Americans died of flu and its complications in the winter of 2018, the disease’s highest death toll in at least four decades. The director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Dr. Robert Redfield, revealed the total in an interview Tuesday night with ‘The Associated Press’. In recent years, flu-related deaths have ranged from about 12,000 to — in the worst year — 56,000, according to the CDC….. The 2018 season peaked in early February. It was mostly over by the end of March, although some flu continued to circulate.@

Consider, is this quote good or bad news (as there were 327.2 million Americans in 2018)?  Are we anywhere near these results? I am not suggesting that you behave recklessly as if there was no risk out there, but to wait cautiously as we learn more.  Perspective suggests looking at the big picture, putting things into some scale as in risk per 1,000, weighing the uncomfortable pros and cons and realizing there are consequences, with over-reaction and pessimism not always the best or timely action. Please remain calm, vigilant, and considerate of others. Be tolerant and don’t stockpile any more toilet paper!

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*: www.Worldometers.info

@: ASSOCIATED PRESS, SEPTEMBER 26, 2018

THE CONFIRMATION BIAS

There is too much disagreement, anger and division.  Whether it is Brexit, Donald Trump or climate change, there are such polarized and uncompromising views.  I am right and you are wrong; I am wise and you are foolish and I can prove it.  See, this is what I just read!

Psychologists and economists note that people have a strong and natural inclination to seek out information that confirms their views and dismiss information that contradicts their opinion.   They call it the confirmation bias.  The confirmation bias is the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms or strengthens one's prior personal beliefs or hypotheses, and overlooks or trivializes whatever contradicts that opinion.  We feel we are right and the evidence supports our conclusion.  The only problem is that someone else holds exactly the opposite view, and was also able to find supporting evidence to support their contrary view. 

This isn’t about fake news, propaganda or mis-truths.  Rather, there are thirty or more facts or half-truths out there and each side’s media picks and chooses those ten facts that suit their narrative and subscribers’ views.  No one wins and the debate gets more heated.  Each side becomes more polarized and refuses to listen or entertain the other’s perspective.  The divisions multiply and actual debate or resolution becomes more difficult and in fact unwelcome.  The only solution seems to be for the other side to admit defeat and repent.

Sounds rather hopeless, but is this not a realistic summary of the views on most complex matters?  Is there a solution?  YES!!

I suggest that to start, one should respectfully listen to those opinions which are contrary to yours and acknowledge that some of their points have merit.  Read media that promotes views that are different from your own so you can appreciate where that other perspective is coming from.   Accept the fact that your view has some negative or problematic features. The hallmark of true and functioning democracy is tolerance, please exercise and be tolerant when differences emerge.  Finally, if you strongly disagree with someone’s’ opinion, that does not mean that person is a bad person.  Branding others with labels like enemy, evil, ignorant or the like because you disagree with them is neither helpful, fair nor kind.

By definition complex issues very rarely have 100% “correct or ideal” solutions.  The reason they are complex is because the trade-off required to resolve these matters is not black and white, but grey.  The ultimate solution is likely in a tight range between 50%   +/-   10%, and you largely agree on most of the aspects of the issue, it is just that in the final balance and solution you may differ with others.

Please let our differences be governed by tolerance, patience, civility, open-mindedness and compassion.  Please lighten up on your confirmation bias.

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DO YOU LISTEN TO YOUR DREAMS OR YOUR FEARS?

A lot of things shape your present and future realities.  But what drives your agenda and planning?  Is your future shaped by the expectation of doing well, seizing opportunities, and being the best person you can reasonably be?  Or do the worries, challenges, disappointments and obstacles define your present and, indirectly, your future outcomes?  Is your future a proactive action or a reactive reaction to your past? 

Fortunately, you have a great deal of control over how your future unfolds.  When you speculate about what life will be like in a few years, do your fears or your dreams define that outcome?  Is it “CAN” or “CANNOT”, “ACT” or “REACT,” that sets the limit on these expectations?  Clearly there are limitations on what you can reasonably achieve, but do these boundaries define your future, or just direct you as to where you might look otherwise for a brighter and better tomorrow? 

A lot of questions come up when considering your future, but that is precisely what the future is all about.  Before your future occurs, that future is a series of choices which you must make either explicitly and consciously, or implicitly and without being aware. 

Just as you frame or re-frame your present circumstances, you implicitly frame your tomorrows.  The big difference, however, it that the future is exclusively a framing exercise, not a re-framing experiment.  The future is a wonderful mystery where you can set the plot, themes, players, places and promises.

Proactively seize your future and define it by YOUR dreams, opportunities, engagement and action.  This is the best offense and defense against the fears which might otherwise lurk on your horizon.

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THE OVER-CHOICE DILEMMA

There are so many choices available to me in the shops these days - it has cured any shopping urges I might have!  The bewildering options exceed my retail skills, and I quickly feel out of my league.  At what point is there too much selection? 

Consider Baskin Robbins and their 31 flavours of ice cream. The more selection, the more I just chose chocolate.  But right after that I start to regret my decision and wonder if mint chocolate might be better, or whatever my friend ordered.  I much prefer less than ten possibilities and shy away from too much variety.  Ever noticed in high end brand outlets how limited the range of goods is?  Similarly, many retailers and restaurants are restricting their product range or menu choices.

“Two psychology researchers (Schwartz and Ward) suggest the following strategy to manage the over-choice dilemma and the cognitive dissonance (buyer’s remorse) you often feel after doing some retail therapy. 

Their suggestions are:

Ø  You can learn to be satisfied, and accept ‘good enough’ (e.g. not worry about getting the best trainers, teachers, extra activities for kids, but worry about being there for them).

Ø  You can lower your expectations. The reality of any experience can suffer from comparisons. Unfulfilled but unreasonably high expectations are the yellow brick road to depression.

Ø  You can avoid social comparisons and set our own standards.

Ø  You can regret less and be grateful for what is good in life.

Ø  You can practice meta-choice and learn when choosing is worth it. This way we will only be a maximizer when it comes to something that really matters.

Ø  You can try to stick to your choices and not change your mind. This is another way to reduce anxiety.

Ø  You can learn to love constraints. Perhaps some constraints (imposed by relationships, having kids and having a regular job) are a blessing, because they reduce our sets of possible choices. If we create and follow a rule for something, we don’t need to make decisions.

Ø  You can remember that choice only increases freedom up to a certain point, beyond which it actually restricts our freedom."*

Try uncluttering your over-choice dilemma: less choice and more gratitude is a better option.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:  Schwartz, B., & Ward, A. (2004). Doing Better but Feeling Worse: The Paradox of Choice. In P. A. Linley & S. Joseph (Eds.), Positive psychology in practice (pp. 86-104). Hoboken, NJ, US: John Wiley & Sons Inc.

LETTING GO

Anyone that tells you that letting go is easy is understating the challenge of actually letting go.  Clinging to past misdeeds, regrets or current challenges can hold you back and undermine your well-being.

When it comes to matters of the past, letting go means either forgiving the wrong doer and/or resolving to learn from your misfortune and not let it happen again.  If the pain continues to haunt you, discuss the matter with cherished friends or get professional counseling.  The worst thing you can do is to harbour or ruminate on this past transgression, as you get stuck in an unhelpful rut of anger, regret, remorse and anxiety.

Letting go of an anxiety about a present or prospective matter is a different issue.  The process starts by identifying: “What is it that I am letting go of?”  Is it the challenge itself, THAT person and my reaction thereto, the annoyance, the uncertainty, or something else?                                                                        

For me, letting go is largely about giving up control over the outcome and accepting that the resolution is beyond my influence.   Rather, I focus on what I can do about this situation.  I focus on the idea that there is something I can change, and change it if I can.  Planning, carefully considering the pros and cons, and pondering alternatives are actions which are TOTALLY UNDER MY CONTROL.  It is effortful to contemplate and execute these controllable actions, which makes letting go of the consequences easier, because I know I have done my very best.

Like strategies to improve your confidence, it is useful to distinguish between effort (which you have control over) and results (which can be beyond your control).  Having confidence that you gave your best effort improves the likelihood that better outcomes will result.  Similarly, focusing on your effort and preparation makes letting go easier and more consoling.   Anxiously dwelling on outcomes beyond your control cannot be helpful or constructive. 

Focus on what you can change or control and put your effort there, then let go of the rest.

Or, put another way, known as the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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FRIGHTENING OR DANGEROUS?

Feeling fright is both essential and unhelpful, depending on the situation.  The fight or flight innate reflex implanted into humankind has certainly saved each of us from harm many times.  Fright caused you to jump back from an approaching car or to decide to avoid that deserted street at night.  However, has too much fright robbed you of much happiness and adventure?

 The epidemiologist Hans Rosling noted:

“Frightening” and “dangerous” are two different things. Something frightening poses a perceived risk. Something dangerous poses a real risk. Paying too much attention to what is frightening rather than what is dangerous— that is, paying too much attention to fear— creates a tragic drainage of energy in the wrong directions. ……. I would like my fear to be focused on the mega dangers of today, and not the dangers from our evolutionary past.” *

 Fear often occurs because we confuse frightening with dangerous.  Fright or fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat which is often highly unlikely.  Take terrorism as an example.  The likelihood of being killed in a terrorist event in the West is 20 times less than being killed in a natural disaster, 14 times less than being murdered but 50 times more than being killed in a plane crash.  More people are killed by bees or horses than terrorists.  But what do we hear about?  Bees, horses or terrorists!!

 Danger is risk that is really out there, based on actual threats. Hans notes:

“The world seems scarier than it is because what you hear about it has been selected— by your own attention filter or by the media— precisely because it is scary.”

We don’t hear about safe outcomes, uneventful but wonderful adventures (unless they are a travel documentary) or happy endings, because they are deemed uninteresting and boring”

In finance the way risk taking is posed is by answering this real life trade-off question:  Do you want to eat well (take more risk) or sleep well (take less risk?) Regardless, the more risk you take the more you will earn.  That’s life.  

There is no right answer to the risk taking/caution dilemma, but that doesn’t mean you should be indifferent or unaware of the trade-offs. 

Regardless of your mindful choice, you unconsciously make the choice to be cautious or take a risk many times a day.  Please temper your conclusion with the occasional reality check: your well-being might appreciate it.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: "Factfulness: Ten Reasons We're Wrong About The World - And Why Things Are Better Than You Think" by Hans Rosling, Ola Rosling, Anna Rosling Rönnlund 

SELF ADVISING

The psychologist Dr. Steve Peter suggested a clever way to identify who you are and how you might advise yourself accordingly.  He used the following scenario. *

"Imagine you are 100 years old and on your death bed with one minute left to live.  Your great-great-grand child asks you. “Before you die, tell me what I should do with my life” (1)

Pause for a moment and try to honestly answer the question within the next minute. You have just one minute, starting now. When the time is up and you have worked out what you would say to them, then continue reading.

Answering this question will identify what is important to you, what is the essence of who you are and what really matters to you. It is what life is all about to you. It is your raison d’etre, your reason for being.  Many of you will answer with statements such as, ‘it doesn’t matter what you do’, ‘be happy’, ‘don’t worry’, ‘take more risks’ and ‘make the most of it’. Whatever your advice was to your great-great-grandchild is really the advice to yourself. If you are not living by this advice, which is the essence of your existence, you are living a lie. Don’t live a lie; it will unsettle you more than anything else.”

It is highly likely that the “YOU you want to be” and the “YOU you are” are not the same.  You, like almost everyone else, are somewhat lying to yourself.  Re-solving this riddle is beyond a two minute reflection, but taking your own self-advice to others is a good place to start. If you are keen to unpack your self-mystery, do read ‘The Chimp Paradox’ (noted below): a clever, humorous, lay-person’s guide to brain science and wellness.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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"The Chimp Paradox: The Acclaimed Mind Management Programme to Help You Achieve Success, Confidence and Happiness" by Steve Peters

(1) Bertrand Russell said something along the same line when he noted, “I feel as if one would only discover on one’s death-bed what one ought to have lived for.”

HAPPENSTANCE

Happenstance can be defined as circumstances that seem to be due to chance, especially those causing fortunate results. But are they really? So much of my life has been blessed by allowing for and/or seeking out such moments.

For example, when I travel one of my guiding principles is: “When in doubt, turn left.”  The corollary of this travel tip is: “Get lost.” If I am walking down a street in a calm neighborhood and I see a side-street on my left, that’s where I go. I have been amazed by the number of curious sights I have come across, or interesting characters I have met.  Most of my wonderful memories occur when I am lost.

When I am alone in a crowd I often greet the person next to me with a respectful question that starts with” Hello my friend ….?”   Rarely has that person been other than keen to answer or help.  Almost without exception those I interacted with were helpful, open and eager to be helpful. 

Similarly, my definition of success is when preparation meets opportunity.    Setting yourself up for more success requires one to cause deliberate happenstance.  Put yourself in opportune circumstances and then risk being notable and present. 

To improve the effectiveness of this strategy it is recommended that you start by ensuring that the environment is SAFE, however you define safety. Recognize that you are likely at the edge of your comfort zone, and that is good, so risk being in this zone.  Acknowledge you are letting go of control and then LET GO.  Please be respectful of others that you will engage with. Count backwards from 5 to 0 and GO for it. 

Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable to new situations and people empowers several of our strongest positive emotions: awe, interest, and curiosity.  Push yourself to the limits of your comfort zone, and make it bigger. If you are coming from a good place, so often taking chances in this way will bless you richly.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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BAD, BUT (MUCH) BETTER*

Try answering the questions below:

1. On average, how many fewer year(s) of schooling does a 30 year old woman have than a 30 year old man?  A: 1 year   B: 2 years   C: three or more years

2. In the last 20 years, the proportion of the world population living in extreme poverty has …    A: almost doubled   B: remained more or less the same            C: almost halved

3. There are 2 billion children in the world today, aged 0 to 15 years old. How many children will there be in the year 2100, according to the United Nations? A: 2 billion   B: 3 billion   C: 4 billion

4. How did the number of deaths per year from natural disasters change over the last hundred years? A: More than doubled   B: Remained about the same C: Decreased to less than half

5. How many of the world’s 1-year-old children today have been vaccinated against some disease? A: 80%   B: 50%   C: 20%

6. In 1996, tigers, giant pandas, and black rhinos were all listed as endangered. How many of these three species are more critically endangered today?         A: Two of them   B: One of them   C: None of them

 How did you do (correct answers below)? These questions were posed to over 12,000 people in 14 “developed” countries. The average person got only one right and very few (less than 2%) got them all correct*.

 So what?!  The awesomeness of these questions is that the world is actually making some significant progress in these areas, more than we sometimes imagine. Girls are almost as well educated as boys. Poverty levels are the lowest ever.  Population growth rates are stabilizing.  Given the quadrupling of world population, the relative devastation from natural disasters has been reduced by almost 90%.   Infant illness prevention is happening. Conservation is working. Things may be BAD, but they are MATERIALLY BETTER than they were.  The problem is our awareness about well-being is about 30 years behind the true situation.

 Good news does not sell.  Tragedy and violence is news worthy. Joy and peace seem to be uninteresting.  Gradual and significant improvement is ignored.  Misfortune is assumed the normal state of nature. A nearly empty cup of blessings is the default condition.

 Real progress is occurring, and at a historically high and persistent rate.  Be certain that the state of well-being of the least fortunate may be bad, but it is MUCH better than it was.  That’s encouraging. It shouldn’t make us complacent, but it does give us cause to hope.

 Correct answers: 1: A, 2: C, 3: A, 4: C, 5: A, 6: C

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*Source of the questions and data: Factfulness: Ten Reasons We're Wrong About The World - And Why Things Are Better Than You Think" by Hans Rosling, Ola Rosling, Anna Rosling Rönnlund. The raw data comes from UN data bases.