BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR

I lived for a year in one of the most financially prosperous cities in the world.  If there was a lottery and the prize was to be immensely rich, well this was it.  There were malls everywhere and any conceivable consumable pleasure was not far away.  ‘Shop ‘til you drop’ was a national obsession and past time.  They had won the “life” lottery (after all, someone has to) and got the prize of having financial abundance beyond belief.

 I was gone after a year; what a relief. I learned and observed an important lesson:  Be careful what you ask for, you might just get it.  Imagine you got that amazing car, house, partner, career or whatever you asked for: would that be it and nirvana forever after?  More than likely, life would soon be rather hellish or hollow.

 Many aspirations are indeed uplifting and noble, but many are not. How often do we silently say to ourselves: “I wish I had….”    How do you sort them out?  I ask a rather simple question:  “Imagine it is a rainy, miserable Tuesday in the fall and it is 11 AM and you had or were doing what you asked for, would you feel purposeful and happy?”  Maybe you would feel blessed and grateful for whatever you had: great!  Or perhaps that ocean front view, car, job, office or wardrobe might just as easily be humdrum and bland.

 So what are attributes of more purposeful or worthwhile living to aspire to?  The psychologist Martin Seligman summarized five measurable elements of what he described as flourishing* or well-being:  Positive emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Achievement (or PERMA). 

If what you desire does not contribute to at least one of the elements, move on.   If the answer is YES, go for it.  If the answer is MAYBE, speculate what is missing and whether you can supplement your desire with it.  If it cannot be bundled together, than stop.  If the answer is NO, let go of that desire, as it is likely very superficial and just a consumption urge coming out of boredom.

Finally, if what you get is what you asked for and it is great, be especially GRATEFUL!! 

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*: "Flourish: A New Understanding of Happiness and Wellbeing" by Martin Seligman 

ARE WE OUR INTENTIONS OR OUR ACTIONS?

There is a dilemma and contradiction we all encounter when we judge ourselves or others.  When it comes to ourselves we know what our intentions are and evaluate our actions using our internal moral compass based on our intentions.  However, for others, as we can only see their actions, we judge them by these actions and largely overlook their intentions. 

This implicit unfair bias has troubling consequences.  We imagine ourselves to be highly proper, fair minded citizens based on our noble intentions (and often poor execution thereof).  However, when someone trespasses against us, we act as judge and jury and sub-consciously convict that person and their actions as untoward.  Too often we infer the wrong intention and mis-judge the impact of the action.  Where is the balance of justice and fairness in this contraction?  Obviously it is missing.

Where do you go from this puzzle?  The quickest but often hardest solution is to become less judgemental and let go of the process of critiquing others.  What a joy and relief it is to just be and let others be also.  Following on this line, the principle that ‘what goes around, comes around’ applies to you.  If you judge others less often or harshly, you can reasonable expect that you will be treated similarly. 

You should fully appreciate that the measures you use to judge others should be used to judge you, complete with the mis-perceptions natural to the fact that you are not the actor of the action. It may not always work out that way, but it certainly can make your life a lot kinder and less tense.

When the actions of others impact on us, it is a good strategy to frame their intentions as coming from a good and wholesome place.  Most likely that person meant no harm, and the worst case is that they were careless (but not thoughtless or vicious).

Note, I am not suggesting that actions do not matter, because they absolutely do!  Rather, judge less, judge as you wish to be judged, do more good, subtly appreciate the impossibility of fairly evaluating others and assume the best of others.

I do believe ultimately we are our intentions (but WE MUST INTEND TO DO), things just get lost in translation.

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WHETHER YOU THINK YOU CAN OR YOU CAN’T, YOU’RE RIGHT!

Thank you Henry Ford for this all too correct summary of how influential our thinking and imagining is to our well-being.  Henry, using intuition, observed what Sonja Lyubomirsky empirically uncovered from reviewing the literature on well-being (1).  Both noted that our intentions have enormous effect on our state of flourishing. 

 Sonja summarized her findings by concluding that around 40% of what determines our well-being is up to our intentional thoughts and activities. What about the rest?  50% is largely set by our genetically determined set points (our genes, which cannot be changed).  The last 10% is our unique life circumstances (rich or poor, beautiful or plain, etc.).

If we decide, often by default, that we are having a bad day, it is almost certainly going to turn out that way.  Inversely, if with determined intentions we decide our day or experience is going to go well, that day or event will have a high probability of being satisfying.  Try it: frame some upcoming occasion with optimistic potential.  Chances are it will go joyfully, or at least better than if one had no joyful expectations.

Having watched (and graded) thousands of learners sitting examinations, the correlation between the candidate’s intentional preparation and attitude and their subsequent performance seems strong.  The writer with a confident air generally walks out of the venue with a positive expectation and later a rewarding result.  And those that enter and exit the exam hall with low expectations seem too often get their expectations confirmed.

Whether one can or can’t is a less random outcome than we imagine.  Realistic intentions, coupled with proper preparation, have a significantly higher success rate than imagining we are the victim of circumstance. 

Make our self-fulfilling prophesies bountiful and beautiful.  Chances are we will get what we asked for.   

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 (1): Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change, Sonja Lyubomirsky, Kennon M. Sheldon, David Schkade, Review of General Psychology 9(2):111-131 · June 2005

NOTHING IN LIFE IS QUITE AS IMPORTANT AS YOU THINK IT IS, WHILE YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT IT

Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel Prize winning economist, made this brilliant observation about our human condition and mindset. We fret and focus on matters that at the time seem immensely important or urgent, but likely are just the day-to-day events of a normal life.  Yes, there are important matters that confront us and warrant our undivided attention, but they are fortunately few in number.  Health, career, relationships, financial issues, the weather, deadlines and emotional issues crop up in our mind all the time, and we awfulize and replay them until they seem to become all that matters. 

Our mind is a poor judge of putting things in perspective and ranking their importance.  With thousands of moments and thoughts each day, our mind is ripe for debating trivial matters just to fill its day.

So what can you do to manage your wild mind?  Start by laughing at most of these impulses as if they were scenes in a TV sit-com.  After all, aren’t they just absurd exaggerations of the present moment?  Are your worries statistically possible or probable?  Question the underlying beliefs and hypothesis that these thoughts are based on.  How much of the underlying concern is just conjecture, or based on incomplete information? Do you have a natural tendency to imagine the worst case scenario, not the best?

Observe that many of these “important” matters are actually rather mundane matters that just need to be attended to, so just note them down and do them.  Test these issues that are overwhelming you by imagining the worst case outcome and honestly consider just how awful that eventuality would really be.  How much of a resilience test would that scenario be?  If resolution is beyond your control then accept that there is nothing you can do and move on.  Objectively challenge your subjective judgements and thoughts.

If this thought that you are dwelling on is really important, sequentially plan how to address it.  Re-visit the matter after writing it down and then not thinking about it for a while, and consider sharing your concern with someone else who may bring a different perspective to the table. 

Once you have made all the plans that you can, most importantly, let go of these thoughts – worrying will not change anything. Remember, nothing in life is quite as important as you think it is, while you’re thinking about it.

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NO PLAN B

Recently I moved to another continent and country.  The culture, climate and everything in-between was new and very different from much that I was used to.  Regularly, before and after the move, people asked me the same questions, being: “Why?” and “How are you enjoying the change?”  It was as though they expect me to complain or regret my choice.  But my reply is always the same: “There is no Plan B so I am determined to make Plan A a wonderful success!”

The absence of a viable alternative or obviously better plan is such a blessing.  But the real point is not the absence of a substitute, but rather the total decision to not give any other arrangement any air or space to fester.  

Very occasionally, you have to make big choices where the decision precludes and includes many subsequent aspects of your life.  Choosing a partner, career, home, place to live, or employer are just a few of such binary (Yes/No) dilemmas. 

A good way to undermine your final selection is to second guess your conclusion, regret your conclusion, ask “What if?” and/or replay your decision making process. It sounds like even after your selection there still seems to be a Plan B on the table.  But there isn’t, unless your decision was half-hearted and naïve.

When you are in one of those Plan A or B decision moments, do spend the time making the trade-offs, and weighing the pros and cons.  But also acknowledge in advance there will be elements of regret and disappointment, as this is the nature of life.  With informed consent, you need to buy-in accordingly, and let go of any cognitive dissonance (after the fact regret).

Living your life as though there is always a Plan B out there significantly depreciates your well-being.  You are trapped in the puzzle of re-living your past, corrupting your future and hollowing out your present moments.  Buying into your Plan A and perpetually upgrading it makes the very thought of Plan B unwanted and unwarranted.  

Once Plan A is in play, THERE IS NO LONGER A PLAN B (THANKFULLY)!

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WHAT GOOD THINGS ARE HAPPENING TO YOU?

How you start a conversation with a friend or stranger can significantly influence how pleasing the interaction is.  “Hello” or the like works okay and no one takes exception, but you can do better, once the first introductions are over.  What if you start that encounter on a positive, engaging and sincerely interested tone? Chances are the chat will be more joyful and insightful.

My preferred way to set the tone of a conversation with a friend is to sincerely ask:  “What good things are happening to you?” hoping that they answer this question thoughtfully and happily.  If they are reluctant to share initially, then I respectfully pry a bit until something joyful emerges.   I listen for clues so we can have a pleasurable tête-à-tête about the blessing in their life.  Rather than hearing about the rain or traffic delays, you hear about vacations, achievements, friendships, or other joys. 

Another similar question to set the tone is to ask:  “What is going well today?” or “What went well?”   Sure enough, something is going well.  People love to discuss their success, and it is wonderful and inspiring to learn about their wins.  Quickly, they overcome their modesty and share their better moments and achievements.  

Years ago, a colleague taught me a wonderful introduction to a total stranger, such as a taxi driver or shop clerk when you need help.  He acknowledged the person as”  “Hello my friend”.  This introduction generally set the tone of the exchange on a positive and equal footing.  Additionally, the assistance you get is so much kinder and personable.  People in the service sector are less used to being treated in a friendly manner and appreciate the respect you bestow on them.  And it cost you nothing!

Trying to start conversations in a more positive framework causes you and others to frame their moments and days through a more grateful prism.  This will make for more enjoyable moments and conversations.

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FLOURISH

An interesting shift in terminology around the science of happiness and well-being is occurring.  A growing number of positive psychologists have shifted their view and discussion of well-being to a larger perspective.  Rather than talking about happiness, they now describe their goal as to understand the experience of flourishing.

Changing your paradigm to flourishing from happiness is empowering.  Being happy may sounds to some like you are just smiley faced, a gleeful but not especially purposeful or grounded person. They may view you as being too obsessed with the NOW (which isn’t correct or complete, but does have some merit).  The idea of flourishing has a more expansive remit, as it implies growth and an interest in tomorrow.

This change in positive psychology terminology is more than clever marketing.  It embraces an enlarged view of what a more joyful life might entail as described below (1):

Authentic Happiness Theory: Focus: Happiness Goal: Increase one’s life satisfaction primarily by increasing Positive emotions, Engagement, and Positive Relationships

Well-Being Theory:  Focus:  Well-being Goal:  Increase one’s flourishing by increasing Positive emotions, Engagement, Meaning, Positive Relationships, and Accomplishment (or PERMA) 

So what? you reasonably ask.  At the very least, if one changes the way one describes their well-being goal from happiness to flourishing others may not dismiss you as readily, and may listen to you less judgementally.  Secondly, and very importantly, the inclusion of accomplishments (achievement) and meaning (purpose) into your repertoire of well-being tools does materially expand ways you might improve your quality of life.

Personally, I find it much easier and helpful to challenge myself to flourish than to be happy.  Acknowledging creating purpose and valuing accomplishment as concrete aspects of my well-being causes me to reflect on what I can DO proactively and privately to improve my quality of life.  By adding engagement I acknowledge the intense satisfaction I can get when I am engaged or busy in something deeply satisfying.

By giving attention to what really matters to you (meaning), developing the skills to do it well (engagement), and seeking to excel, you should become a flourishing (and happy) camper!

Start thinking about and acting out your FLOURISH agenda.

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(1):  Martin Seligman, Flourish, (Nicholas Brealey Publishing, 2011)

MAKING HELPFUL AND HOPEFUL COMPARISONS

Comparing yourself to others often breeds jealousy and/or a sense of disappointment.  There will ALWAYS be someone with a better, bigger, newer, shinier, smarter, richer, faster or flashier whatever.  At best you may win the comparison contest for a few weeks before you are topped or your achievement, if compared to others, loses its merit, interest or bragging rights.

However, comparisons can also be very constructive as they motivate us to seek to improve ourselves and our situation.  We look around and speculate how we can make for a better tomorrow.  Much of this forward thinking is based on comparing what is to what might be; looking for a fix or improvement to our current situation. If there was no better or worse outcome, nothing would be worth doing. (1)

So, how can you make the process of comparison helpful and work for you? It comes down to what is the standard or base you use when you make comparisons.  Is it reasonably achievable or unrealistic? Related or unrelated to your personal strengths?

The Canadian psychologist Jordan Peterson came up with a simple and effective rule, being: “Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today”. (1) Looking at the comparison process this way provides some practical guide.  Letting go of others in the comparison game makes the possibility of successful improvement highly achievable, as you become your own standard. 

So how can you make comparison helpful and hopeful?  Decide on what aspects of yourself to focus on for improvement by asking: “What is the better version of yourself you want?”  What are those personal attributes that you are likely to succeed at bettering?  Set low and readily achievable targets and slowly up your game.  Observe and appreciate your personal improvement over time.   Make the rewards for progress intrinsic and personally satisfying.  Look at your yesterday and note how your today is in a minor way better.

Letting go of others in the comparison process is an effective way to focus on yourself and your journey.  Get rid of the disquieting self-doubt and jealousy that others unhelpfully introduce into your self-improvement challenge.

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(1):  Jordan B. Peterson, 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos, (Penguin Books, 2018)

CIRCLE(S) OF COMPETENCE

My career was blessed by two simple but fortunate decisions I made in my early teens.  The first was to decide very clearly what I did not want to do or become, and avoid these topics like they were the plague.  Secondly, I listened carefully to my heart and head at the same time, and heard what they suggested in terms of what I was naturally better at or interested in.

I sensed early on that I was better with numbers than the arts.  Next, I observed that I preferred dollar signs to co-sines, so I pursued business rather than engineering studies.  I was more comfortable being loud than quiet, and made lots of similarly small trade-offs. What I deliberately did was to make the circle of what I was better at or more interested in smaller and smaller.  Warren Buffett calls this “staying within your circle of competence”.

What this means is to decrease the range or breadth of things you find meaningful, whilst at the same time increasing the depth of how you understand and improve the skills related to this body of knowledge and expertise.  I mindfully stumbled into things that spoke to me emotionally and intellectually, committed to what I was expected to learn, was privately proud of my self-learning and let these insights wholeheartedly lead me on. By my middle twenties I found my career and in my early thirties I discovered my calling.

What was critical was to always stay within my decreasing circle of competence.  And at the same time, to TOTALLY BUY-IN WITH HEART, BODY AND SOUL. Decreasing the scale but increasing the scope of my world was awesome and completely ME.  It became easier and easier to enter a state of flow where a sense of self and time disappeared, where high challenge was coupled with high levels of skill.  A career becoming a calling that happened organically.  Even now I still discover or re-invent new circles of competence which I get totally excited about.  I focused almost exclusively on my strengths, but managed my weaknesses where unavoidable.

You can do the same: find, invest in, commit to and be proud of your circles of competence.

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HARBOURING VS. LETTING GO OF THE PAST

This site is called Smallercup and suggests you should have a smaller cup to improve your well-being.  But what is in the cup?  The assumption is something positive, but sometimes what we are holding in our cup and our soul is anything but that.

A serious challenge to your well-being is the malice and ill-will you may harbour inside.  A silent but real anger against someone or something will prevents a positive sense of self to emerge.  Someone seriously crossed your bottom lines, or a point-of-view totally violates your sense of right or justice and you are stuck in anger, resentment and poison. Your cup is neither full, empty nor smaller, just disappointed and vengeful!

First, if your cup has any toxins in it, it will be difficult to materially improve your well-being.  Desmond Tutu noted that we “all face the same choice: to forgive or to seek revenge”.  Letting go is not easy, but not letting go of your real and valid misfortunes is going to corrupt your life journey.  Revenge will absolutely get you nowhere other than backwards.

Second, letting go does not mean forgetting, rather it means forgiving the wrong or wrong doer and moving on.  And perhaps even forgiving yourself.

Third, letting go of your wrathful poison will release you from the prison of your past. Obsessing and replaying past transgressions rots you from the inside out.  Unfortunately, you become a prisoner of your past.

Fourth, harbouring negative feelings to specific individuals taints the way you see people generally, how you see the world, and how others see you.  

Five, harbouring disappointment about the past limits your achievements in the present and the future, as it can undermine your confidence and willingness to take risks and chance success.

Six, letting go of those aspects of your past allows for healing and moving forward.

Seven, letting go always allows for resilience to mature.

It is very unlikely there is anyone that does not have moments they wish they could erase from their past, so you are not alone.  Awfulizing, re-playing, second guessing, and harbouring those past moments doesn’t undo the damage. 

However, there is much merit in cognitive behavioral therapy to free you of these matters and help you let go.  PLEASE do see a specialist to help you move on if you are stuck.  

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HOW LONG IS NOW?

With so much mention about “being in the now or moment” it seems a fair question to ask: ”How long is now?”  NOW is defined as the length of time that you can be aware of something before your awareness moves on to something else. Different estimates abound, ranging from one to ten seconds long, averaging between two and three seconds for each discreet NOW moment. (1) 

That means you experience between 10,000 and 20,000 NOWS during each waking day. However you remember almost none of these NOW moments.  Does this forgetfulness dismiss the importance of being the moment?  NO! 

As Bill Keane, the cartoonist of Family Circle said in 1984:   “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a GIFT.  That’s why it’s called the present.”

At any one moment there are three different NOW selves potentially engaged. These selves are your experiencing (present) self, your remembering (past) self and your planning (future) self.  Each of these selves is fighting for your awareness.  Unfortunately the past (regretting) self wins most of your NOW awareness, followed the future (worrying or anxious) self and the present (mindful) self just hangs around being rather dis-engaged.

You cannot productively use all those three second moments as present gifts, but you can improve re-prioritise your mind to think more effectively.  Whereas 99.9% of these NOWs are fleeting, deliberately engage with the 0.001% of them (about 20 per day) and make them real and alive.  Bring a smile to your face.  Pause, take a breath, look about and engage as many of your senses as you can. Once in the while cause a NOW moment to become a genuine memory worthy of sharing with others and remembering for a few days.  Do something exciting, uniquely different and spontaneous.  And make it your mission at least four or five times a year to create a celebration that you will use to frame the year by.   This isn’t taking a selfie and putting it on your Facebook, but rather experiencing something that you will privately cherish and smile about as you re-count this year several years later.  Cause some NOW milestones!!

Annually you have around five million NOW moments, so make some of these present moments a gift to yourself.

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(1): Marc Wittmann, Felt Time: The Psychology of How We Perceive Time, (MIT Press, 2016)

YOU MISS 100% OF THE SHOTS YOU DON’T MAKE

Wayne Gretzky made the above observation about hockey (and life).  There are many versions of this saying, and they all make the same point: without commitment, risk taking and effort, you will miss out on life’s opportunities..

 Having had the opportunity to observe thousands of university learners, it is rather easy to identify those that are likely to be successful, and those who are less likely to be so.  What distinguishes the achievers is their willingness to be seen and heard, and a keenness to risk being wrong for the reward of being right and learning something extra (getting a goal).  The under-achievers take few risks and seem to actively sabotage their opportunities by apparent indifference and disengagement.  Luckily, most pupils are somewhere in-between, but could easily up their game.

 This shows itself very markedly with regard to student participation in classes.  Many students are fearful of embarrassing themselves with a wrong answer, and convince themselves others will ridicule them.  They miss 100% of the opportunities that interaction affords. 

 Having watched the classroom dynamics for many years, there are two conclusions I note from those that humbly engage: 

Others almost always judge those that engage very compassionately.  There is a calm and real kindness, a silent respect, for that person interacting, as others admire that person putting themselves at risk (and silently thinking, “I would have said that”.

Even more rarely is a response or suggestion completely wrong.  Generally, at least part of what was noted had merit.  More importantly, the act of engagement made the situation feel more inclusive and collaborative.

 Pause for a moment and reflect, when someone speaks, do you judge them harshly or unkindly?  Likely you don’t, unless that person’s ego is large or they are attention seeking.  Taking shots at learning and life opportunities by risking a wrong or stupid answer or idea is the key to critical thinking, progress, promotions and finding your calling.

Provided one is humble and respectful, whether in the classroom or the workplace, putting your ideas and suggestions forward will reward you richly.  And once in a while you will certainly score a goal – so be courageous and take a risk! 

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THE MARRIAGE POSITIVITY RATIO

Being married or in a committed primary relationship is a puzzle with an amazing prize.  Figuring out how to make the relationship work beneficially for both parties is challenging but well worth the effort.  Members of constructive, happy, primary relationships have improved health, well-being, longevity, resilience and income. (1) One renowned psychologist expanded on the finding of a colleague and made the following empirical finding:

Psychologist Barbara Fredrickson discovered that experiencing positive emotions in a 3-to-1 ratio with negative ones leads people to a tipping point beyond which they naturally become more resilient to adversity, and effortlessly achieve what they once could only imagine. (2)

Another psychologist John Gottman, however, found a different ratio in a different context. He found that for a marriage to succeed, there must be at least five times as many positive interactions in the relationship as negative ones, a 5:1 ratio that Gottman dubbed the “magic ratio,” more commonly known as the “Gottman ratio.” (3)

If you put these two ratios together side by side, you immediately understand why marriage is so tough. We demand a 3:1 positivity ratio for all our daily experiences, except in our marriage, from which we demand even more. In that sense, we all behave more sternly toward our partner, and we judge them far more harshly than we judge mere acquaintances. Maybe if we understand that, we could give our partner a little bit of a well-deserved break, and maybe marriage would not be quite so tough. (4)

Acts of kindness and expressions of gratitude towards your partner sometimes go undone or unsaid because of the busyness of life.  Similarly, partners can judge the other too frequently or bluntly.  Time to go back to the basics: pro-actively love your partner as yourself.

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(1): Ilona Boniwell, Positive Psychology In A Nutshell: The Science Of Happiness (McGraw-Hill, 2012)

(2): Barbara Fredrickson, Positivity, www.positivityratio.com.

(3): John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail . . . and How You Can Make Yours Last (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1994)

(4): Chade-Meng Tan, Daniel Goleman, Jon Kabat,  Search Inside Yourself: Increase Productivity, Creativity and Happiness [ePub edition] 

SUCCESSFUL GIVING AND KINDNESS

Recently I came across three interesting and complementary studies on the benefits of giving and kindness. 

 The first was by Elizabeth Dunn. She noted that there is a virtuous circle: giving improves your well-being, and improvements in your well-being increase your willingness to give in the future. (1)   

 Following up on this idea, Sonja Lyubomirsky found that doing five acts of kindness on a single day, rather than spread out over a week, significantly improves the effectiveness of your actions in terms of making them habit-forming. (2)  The concerted, deliberate and concentrated focus on acts of kindness in a single day, once a week for six weeks, changed the individual positively and built the foundations for sustained wellness.  It is as though there are economies of scale for kindness.

The third finding on giving was the most curious and counter-intuitive.  Adam Grant’s research found that successful givers (givers that can sustain and increase their charitable giving over time) not only cared profoundly about others, but were mindful of how being charitable was in their own self-interest, as it enhanced their own well-being.   They aligned what mattered to them with what would make a difference to those they were giving to.  We might feel that it is somehow wrong to think about ourselves in the context of giving, but it seems not. Grant argues that being other-focused or self-focused aren’t at opposite ends of the same spectrum; they’re different, separate motivations. In fact, it seems that being high on motivation to help others and high on drive to achieve our personal goals is what enables successful givers to give extraordinarily over a sustained period of time.

Grant describes two different types of giver: ‘selfless-givers’ and ‘other-ish givers’. Selfless givers are high on other-interest and low on self-interest. In the longer term, they can pay a price for giving their time, money and energy without regard for their own needs. Other-ish givers are high on both concern for others and on their own self-interest, meaning they can successfully maintain giving over time. Clearly neither is selfish. (3) (4)

Taken together, empirical science strongly suggests that acts of kindness and giving are strongly linked to personal well-being, especially when combined with an attitude of gratitude.  Furthermore, implementing a lifestyle of planned, deliberate and other-ish giving is an effective WIN-WIN approach to personal well-being.

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(1) : Aknin, L. B., Dunn, E. W. & Norton, M. I. (2011). Happiness Runs in a Circular Motion: Evidence for a positive feedback loop between pro-social spending and happiness. Journal of Happiness Studies, 13(2), 347-355

(2) : Lyubomirsky, S., King, L. & Diener, E. (2005). The Benefits of Frequent Positive Affect: Does Happiness Lead to Success? Psychological Bulletin, 131, 803-855

(3) : King, V. (2016). 10 Keys to Happier Living.  Headline Publishing Group

(4) : Grant, A. (2013). Give and Take: A revolutionary approach to success. Hachette UK

KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE BALL

When things get tense in a discussion, we often forget to focus on the most important issues, and get caught up in an emotional or tangential reaction to our situation.  The emotional dimension of a heated discussion overwhelms us and we take our eyes off the ball, especially if things start to get personal. We often pursue an angry and spiteful agenda which sidetracks us away from the major issue, or distracts us for the matter at hand.  Please beware of what is happening at this point.  Getting even overwhelms getting on, when being right and winning seems to be all that matters.

   What I have learned all too well when matters get heated is that I need to step back and ensure I am clear as to what the problem is. So often we all fail to do this. Often I am agreeing with the other person, just in a different way.  Or we almost agree and the differences are small, but we are too emotionally connected and want to win without any compromise.  And most commonly, we differ because we are debating along similar lines, but are actually trying to make completely different points about an issue, and are not actively listening and having a dialogue.

 What should one do when matters get ahead of us and emotions drown out listening?  Go back to the beginning and check whether you and others are looking at the same issue.  Spend some time precisely clarifying the topic or issue: did you really mean that? Did you mean to say?... Look for commonality in the positions you hold. Take time out and call a halt to things to allow for some reflection.

Keeping your eyes on the ball is about clarifying what the PROBLEM is, listening to ensure you are properly understanding the other person’s point of view, and taking time out to review and revisit a discussion that is getting too heated or too personal. 

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FOLLOWERSHIP AND FELLOWSHIP

There is so much discussion and focus on leadership and leadership skills. If one listens to this chatter one might think there was a shortage of able and honourable leaders and a leadership crisis.  If there is a problem, is it at the leader or follower end of the spectrum?  Likely a bit of both, but it might be useful and fair to look at the followership issue.  As in sports, does firing the coach necessarily solve a team’s poor performance for more than a game or two, or are the players the more likely culprit?

 Most of us will forever be followers, and escape the challenge of being a senior leader.  Heads of organizations need to make complex trade-offs, absorb immense information, meet countless people, travel tirelessly and work significantly longer hours than we do. Are we being fair, objective or informed?

 If there are leadership skills, there are also followership skills.  Let’s start with giving the leader the benefit of the doubt: maybe we need to second-guess question them less often.  Let’s appreciate the complexity of the choices and trade-offs that have to be made.  Do we use the same scale when we evaluate our own behaviors?   What about the fact the boss does not have perfect information, and has to make judgement calls and predictions?  Is it reasonable that we have a tendency to assume those in authority as having less moral or ethical character then we have?  Using hindsight to second guess the superior’s decision can be a little harsh. Let’s accept the fact that leaders, like followers, are trying their very best given their natural limitations.

 I am not suggesting that we blindly follow leaders.  Rather it is accepting that often those in authority will make different choices than we might.  Where we disagree, let’s invest the effort to get as informed on the matter as we can, or else hold our fire. 

 Followership is a willingness to give up power for a higher collective good. Being an excellent subordinate is more than team work and collaboration.  It speaks to the notions of letting go of power, independence and finding internal resources to make the process of being led more agreeable.  

 Followership and fellowship share many common themes; that of being cooperative, tolerant, fair minded, inclusive and deferring to others for the good of the larger entity.

 Better followership will lead to improved fellowship (including with the leaders) for those accepting their leaders and their leadership.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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SUNK COSTS

Over my career I have marked literally thousands of exams (or scripts as they say in the UK), and one answer tops them all for originality.  The question asked:

“What is a sunk cost?” and the student replied: “A cost that does not float.”

 Putting aside this wonderful (but wrong) answer, the notion of sunk costs is a difficult matter to implement. A sunk cost is a cost (event, decision) that one has made in the past and cannot be changed.  The merit of sunk costs is that one should LET GO of past decisions and mishaps and not let them influence current or future choices, as they are irrelevant (as one cannot change the past).  A past mistake or regret should not justify or influence your current choices as this past event is sunk (irrevocable) and cannot be undone.

The past is an important and essential part of your life, full of wonderful events and decisions, but also includes regrettable mistakes and sad memories.  Wishing you had done something differently or completed something you quit will not undo reality.  These bygones are sunk and forever gone.    

 This does not mean that one should ignore the past.  No, your history is an excellent lesson as to what you might learn from prior actions and what to do better in the future.  Rather than wishing you had not bought those shares or sold so soon, consider what this teaches you about your current holdings.  Wishing you had or had not said something is also pointless, but what does this suggest about the next time you are in a similar encounter?  What exactly did you do wrong? Learn the lesson, apologize if you can, and then move on.

  Just like there are sunk costs, there are also MANY MORE sunk benefits.  This is when you did something right and the result exceeded your expectations.  Spending more time reflecting on your successes and what your wins can teach you is a far more productive and satisfying way of reviewing your past. 

 Reframe your past by learning lessons from both your past mistakes and your past successes, but remember you cannot change the past, so don’t live or re-live it.     

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU DID SOMETHING FOR THE FIRST TIME?

 Our lives can easily become like a broken record that repeats the same line or verse.  The predictable rituals and routines that make up our days can improve the certainty and efficiency of our efforts, and give a much needed structure to our lives, but this can make get a little boring and repetitive day in, day out.

Maybe it is time to stir things up a bit.  Really, when was the last time you did something for the first time?  Carefully consider the truth and intrigue this question suggests.  Have you become so patterned and regular that you have forgotten to take measured risks or invite change into your life, to boost the excitement and newness of the present moment?  A little change and randomness might just be what you need to revitalize your life.

 Experimenting with even the smallest change, like your journey to work or what you have for breakfast is a good start. The nice thing about such minor adjustments is that it opens you up to being bolder and more engaged in your present moment.  Hopefully you will progress to a state where increased awareness of the NOW becomes more immediate and frequent.  Consciously seeking opportunities to do things for the first time makes you more aware of the wonderful things going on around and about you.  Being too routine in your habits means you often miss the awesome opportunities all around you.

 Making small, incremental improvements that change your life to the better is another way of addressing the doing something for the first time challenge. Particularly adding new acts of kindness, gratitude and/or compassion: these will increase your overall wellness and add variety to your day.

 As the present moment is always new and changing, seize a few of these moments and make them yours, refreshing and unique.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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CELEBRATE or RUMINATE?

Memories can be both blessings and curses.  When you reflect on your past, do you celebrate or loath these past experiences?  Do you recall the wonderful or the unhappy peaks?  Do you treasure the blessings or ruminate endlessly on your misfortunes?  You have control over what and how you recall your past.  You can frame your yesterdays as a series of disasters, or windfalls, or a blend of both. 

 Ruminating is a curious habit that we all engage in, especially in relation to the unfortunate moments in our lives.  You re-play that scene where you said, did or failed to say or do something, and speculate how life would be better had you acted differently. You beat yourself up in an endless cycle of remorse and “What ifness!!”  You are tied to your past in a most unhelpful and generally dysfunctional internal debate.  Honestly, what a waste of time and effort: nothing can or will change.

 So what is the remedy? Celebrate your past!  For every mis-step there are many more proper steps and happier endings. Just as you can frame your present circumstances in a more positive light, you can also frame and re-frame your past to include more fortunate memories. 

 It is indeed difficult to accept some of the injustices and unfairness that we are dealt, but to ruminate on these events only makes matters worse. Better to focus on what you can learn from these situations, seek justice where possible, let go and move forward.  But more importantly, actively celebrate your past successes, awesome moments, good luck and serendipitous blessings. 

 Yes there were aspects of last year that went less well but there were far more incidents that exceeded your expectations. When you talk about your job, travels, weather, dinner party, encounters with others, please let us not re-play the mis-steps.  Rather, talk more about your success, the sunsets, sunny days, amazing desserts, awesome re-collections, museums and the fantastic landscapes.  Celebrate your past, what when well and let go of ruminating.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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INTEGRITY AND SELF-ESTEEM

One of the more troubling changes I have noticed in younger adult learners is a serious deficit of self-esteem.  More and more students appear to be overly shy, uncertain and unwilling to proactively engage in their learning and life experiences.  They express limited or negative confidence or satisfaction in themselves or their futures.  Having a low self-image or regard in the early stages of one’s adult journey can significantly undermine one’s future prospects.

"The psychologist Nathaniel Branden, considered the father of the self-esteem movement, recognizes integrity as one of the essential pillars of self-esteem. Research by Branden and others suggests the existence of a self-reinforcing loop between integrity and self-esteem. The more integrity we practice, the more we esteem ourselves; and the more self-esteem we have, the more likely we are to exemplify congruence between our words and our actions.   When I follow up on my commitments—to others or to myself—I am sending others and myself an important message: that my thoughts, my words, and my self matter. My words are an expression of myself, and therefore when I honor my words I am honoring myself.”*

Integrity can be defined as walking your talk; keeping your word and commitments.  If you say you will be there at 11, be there at 11.  If you say you will do something, do it.  Perhaps it sounds trivial, but that is precisely the point of Branden’s research findings.  Keeping even the smallest and simplest of commitments does make you feel better about yourself. A sense of wellness does emerge and grow.  Posed another way, what does not keeping your word say about you or how others interpret you? From my own observations, I do notice that those I associate with higher integrity almost without exception also display higher degrees of self-esteem.

Positive psychologists suggest a simple program of making two or three small pledges to yourself and others, and systematically honouring them.  What quickly emerges is a sense of modest pride (one of the ten positive emotions).  As these commitments become habits, add more ambitious pledges.  Several things will occur; you will feel better about yourself, and others will think the better of you.

Make walking your talk part of who you are.

*: Even Happier: A Gratitude Journal for Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment by Tal Ben-Shahar

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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