PERFECTIONIST OR OPTIMALIST

Letting go is about knowing when good enough is good enough.  Are things likely to get a lot better or is this as good as it reasonably gets? 

 Some people are perfectionists - things can always be better and they are forever striving for the ideal and the perfect.  Others are optimalists - setting high standards and goals, but actively considering the trade-offs, costs and benefits of the perfect, relative to the attainable and possible.   Do you only want the very best?  Or are you satisfied with BETTER, and prepared to let go of BEST? 

A fairly blunt but effective way to classify people is to identify them as either perfectionist or optimalist.

"Perfectionists pay an extremely high emotional price for rejecting reality. Their rejection of failure leads to anxiety, because the possibility that they may fail is always there. Their rejection of painful emotions often leads to an intensification of the very emotion they are trying to suppress, ultimately leading to even more pain. Their rejection of real-world limits and constraints leads them to set unreasonable and unattainable standards for success, and because they can never meet these standards, they are constantly plagued by feelings of frustration and inadequacy.

Optimalists, on the other hand, derive great emotional benefit, and are able to lead rich and fulfilling lives, by accepting reality. Because they accept failure as natural—even if naturally they do not enjoy failing—they experience less performance anxiety and derive more enjoyment from their activities. Because they accept painful emotions as an inevitable part of being alive, they do not exacerbate them by trying to suppress them. They experience them, learn from them, and move on. Because they accept real-world limits and constraints, they set goals that they can actually attain and are thus able to experience, appreciate, and enjoy success."*

When people request that you cut them some slack, give them some space or the like, they are really saying that they are optimalists.  Yes, your perfection is wonderful but it doesn’t speaks to them.  Show the optimalist where improvements are possible but then move on.  If you are a perfectionist, lighten up.  It will likely be good for your stress and overall wellness.

*: “Even Happier: A Gratitude Journal for Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment" by Tal Ben-Shahar

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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WE ALL KNOW WHAT TO DO BUT …

Jean-Claude Juncker, currently the president of the European Commission, noted about politicians that, “We all know what to do, we just don’t know how to get re-elected after we’ve done it.”  He was speaking about climate change, but I think it is a wise summary of the current populist nature of our political culture and dialogue.  Is getting re-elected more important than doing the right thing?

 Unfortunately, the nature of so many challenging dilemmas that society faces requires making trade-offs which will have BOTH positive and negative consequences for us.  Whether the issue is climate change, migration, health care, re-distribution of income, terrorism, or diversity it may have an effect on OUR PERSONAL prosperity and standard of living. THERE NEVER WAS SUCH A THING AS A FREE LUNCH.  To expect others to bear the costs and you can get a free ride on the benefits of the solution is naïve, short sighted and extremely selfish.

Difficult issues require careful consideration and tolerance of all the parties, both those advantaged and dis-advantaged by the remedy.   There is so much attention given to simple, popular solutions to problems, but do we give proper attention to the complexities and implicit trade-offs imbedded in the public policy dilemmas?  Seeking to realize the immediate benefits of a solution and to tax later generations with the financial and other costs is selfish.  Are we leaving the world a better place for our children and grandchildren or are we eating their lunch? These residual but real consequences should be contemplated now rather than kicked down the road.

Democracy is about more than the majority getting what they want, but also showing respect and accommodation for those on the minority side.  Compromise, respecting and engaging with those we disagree with is a measure of healthy, wellness oriented societies.  Appreciate that policies to address issues will take years or generations to resolve.  Politicians should be afforded some latitude and grace to impose costly short term costs on society for the advantage of later generations.  Climate change is clearly one of those challenges.

Please cut those in difficult leadership roles some slack.  Admire those leaders that make choices that may undermine their re-election prospects.  Likely those are the honourable and noble ones who are actually confronting the hard realities, and not the opportunists.

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THE 83% MONA LISA SMILE

"The Mona Lisa gives us a hint about the desirable or optimum level of happiness. Scientists recently computer-analyzed the emotions expressed in this famous lady's face, and concluded that she is 83 percent happy, 9 percent disgusted, 6 percent fearful and 2 percent angry. Interestingly, we find that people who are happy, but not perfectly so, do well in many domains of life. Perhaps Leonardo da Vinci was onto something, and the widespread appeal of his famous painting may be due to the fact that his lady projects the look of success."*

If Mona Lisa was 83 percent happy, that does suggest that it is okay to be 17 percent of the time in a melancholy or bad mood.  Too much joyfulness and you may be willfully blind to some of the harsh realities of life.  Being anxious is a good thing if it is a buttress to your happiness.  Negative emotions can keep you in check and alert you to others and to risks around you.

 If you are fortunate enough to be in that 30% of the general population that would describe their current situation as happy, you are encouraged to allow for some negative emotions to keep you centered.  If you are verging on classifying yourself as happy, perhaps you imagine that happiness is being always in a state of wellness and joy.  Having a bad hair day now and then is good for you and a realistic expectation and reality. 

 Wellness does not mean your life is perfect and without obstacles. No, you will experience setbacks and misfortune, but the advantage of wellness is that you have RESILIENCE.  You bounce back, don’t harbor anger, let go and see what you can learn from those challenging moments and experiences. 

 If you know someone who seems to be one of those lucky 30 happy folks, do allow them the liberty of the occasional frown.  And if you are in the other 70 percent who imagine yourself unhappy, you may be in that optimum zone, but have unrealistic expectations of what is as good as it gets.

 *: "Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth" by Ed Diener, Robert Biswas-Diener

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WILL YOU LIKE IT AS MUCH AS YOU WANT IT?

Have you ever bought something you craved for a long time and experienced an immediate rush and real joy?  You were so pleased, it looked marvelous or did just what you imagined it would.  A few days or weeks later, the excitement is gone and you are right back to where you started. That is called the Hedonistic Treadmill, where new achievements or objects become the new normal and you return to your natural state of wellness.  Will you really like it as much as you want it?  Probably not!  As good example of this is the new puppy (car, dress, mobile) situation.  How many times have you enjoyed that new thing weeks or months later?

So, is there any way to reduce this dilemma?  Yes.  Start with the obvious solution of consciously wanting fewer things.  Generally more or new is not better.  Next define what it is that this new object provides that is unique and an improvement.  What is this thing actually going to do that will improve your lot, or are you a victim of advertising?  Define what it is you are hoping to get from this acquisition, is it pleasure or wellness?  Nothing necessarily wrong with either, just useful to be clear in advance because you will get what you pay for.  Will there be a hangover, as in later maintenance, upkeep or regular attention (as in the cute puppy and the later care of a dog for the next twelve years)?  Where would you store it; is there room?!!

After all this does it mean that you never shop again?  Absolutely no!!  Take an inventory of those few things you have that really speak to you, that continue to bring you joy years later.  What was it about these things that just worked?  What is it about that thing that you savour? Figure out what is uniquely awesome about that item and use that criteria as part of your shopping agenda and selection process.

Finally, there is ample research that suggests that amazing experiences far outrank things in term of improving our wellness. 

Happy shopping!!  I hope you like it at least as much as you wanted it.

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PEAK – END RULE

Imagine you had a choice of either:

-         Experiencing a rather unpleasant experience for five minutes, with the worst moments about three minutes into the process,  or

-         Experiencing the same unpleasant five minute ordeal, but with another two minutes added of a slightly less unpleasant but tolerable experience (seven minutes in all).

 Or consider this choice:

-         A one week vacation at an exclusive destination with all the amenities, indulgences, experiences you fancy, or

-         A two week vacation, for the same cost in a nearby destination, which is pretty amazing but not over the top.

 Nobel economist Daniel Kahneman researched these types of options and noted generally that, using the above choices, the longer unpleasant experience or the shorter vacation were the preferred options.  He summarized this research and coined the term PEAK-END RULE. What we REMEMBER is the most intense or peak moment (whether pleasant or unpleasant) and the last moment.  We don’t necessarily forget the other details; we just tend to describe the encounter by the best and last events and overlook much of the other occurrences. If I think back on certain episodes in my life, then it was the best or worst moments and how it finished that I remember and retell.

 This is a rather powerful insight and has influenced my travel style.  I now pay much more attention to the last day of my travel and how I get back home.  I more willingly splurge on doing those things that are unique but can be pricey. I don’t try to stay away longer but now focus on staying away better.

 Managing experiences and CAUSING AND CREATING MEMORIES is an amazing opportunity for a well lived and remembered life.  What you remember can have a powerful positive effect on your well-being.

 Going forward, plan your peak and end experiences deliberately and manage carefully how you finish.  Make it a goal to finish well.  Create wonderful final recollections and reduce disagreeable endings where possible - that is a manageable undertaking, and well worth seizing.

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FIGHT, FLIGHT or ??

We have all heard the saying it is either fight or flight when in a tense situation.  We imagine these are the only two alternatives but fortunately there is a third choice, which is to PAUSE and reflect on the situation.  Certainly, up until about 200 years ago the threats to your person were very real and ever present, so being alert was a good idea.  But today, such risky encounters are rare, so neither fight nor flight may be the right thing to do.

 I have learnt the hard way that the binary nature of fight or flight is not a good idea.  By nature, I tend to opt for fight and let anger get the better of me in a tense situation. I remember many of my angry moments with regret as the penalty can be serious and even career limiting.   Flight was not in my character and the moment overtook me. For others, they regret flight and not standing up to a challenge.

 Then the notion of PAUSE occurred to me.  When things went pear shaped, I took a step back and reflected on what was going on. I considered whether anger or flight were a good idea or whether better still, maybe things were not as I imagined them to be. 

 Indeed, more likely than not it was my imagined view of the situation that was wrong.   Pausing to access the situation often made me realize my assumptions about the facts were incomplete, biased, overly emotional or just plain irrational and self-centered.  Allowing time to reflect and contemplate the consequences of my actions was so timely, but something I did not do in the past.

 In psychology, what I am describing is called cognitive behavioral therapy (or CBT*).  Pausing and deliberately re-framing your reactions into a more thoughtful, objective, less emotional or personalized response certainly takes the sting out of many tense situations.  Pausing lets you find the middle route where you see opportunities for growth, reduced conflict and harmony.

 The pause button is on all videos for good reason, it allows you to freeze the moment.  Hit your pause button (count to ten) when the going starts to get weird and overly emotional, it can save a lot of grief later on in life.

 *:  There is a huge body of research and practice related to CBT, do check it out, especially if you are fight inclined.

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SMALLER CUP - REVISITED

I started SmallerCup six months ago. I thought now might be a good time to pause and review these reflections and consider what some of my learned or reinforced thoughts are about the theme of a Smaller Cup.

 First, my view that a smaller cup enhances life is more strongly held than ever.  The nearer to three quarters full my cup is the more fortunate and positive my perspective becomes.

 Second, knowing my cup is smaller but fuller instinctively makes me more grateful.  And an attitude of gratitude is the BEST MEDICINE for wellness available.

 Third, having a smaller cup is not an end, but rather a means to an improving my overall circumstances. Setting challenging and attainable goals is much easier if I am already in a state of relative completeness.

 Fourth, a smaller cup keeps me living in the present moment as I feel blessed.  I avoid being too focused on the future.

 Fifth, a smaller cup encourages more to take smaller (baby) steps on my life journey.  Thinking in terms of smaller steps makes overall improvement more likely, and setbacks are less disconcerting.

 Sixth, a smaller cup provides me with more occasions to experience purpose and achievement.  Having modest ambitions for improvement allows for more moments to savour incremental success.

 Seventh, thinking in terms of a smaller cup overturns the fight or flight, win or lose, full or empty, zero sum philosophy.  I feel a sense of relief, pausing and re framing the choices I can make in a more constructive and optimistic way.

 Eighth, a smaller cup is a more sustainable and rejuvenating perspective.  The smaller cup constrains me from becoming too ambitious and assuming that more is necessarily better.  Driving myself to forever pursue significantly more or better can become like chasing my own tail.

 Ninth, a smaller cup perspective encourages me to pause and see more dimensions of my well-being.  I experience a more balanced, measured and multi-dimensional life.  Please focus on your smaller cup, it will help you through your day and life.

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RESILIENCE

Recently I visited a museum which aimed to highlight the living conditions of the local working class population at various time intervals in history – it went back to 1805 and then each subsequent house advanced on another 50 years. What immediately struck me was how primitive and harsh life was back then, and more alarming still, two of the examples were from 1955 and 1985 in the UK.  Some of the examples had no flush toilets, hot running water, central heating, vacuum cleaners, colour TV or many of the other conveniences we assume are necessities today.

 I speculated that life then had as many wonderful and special moments of joy and wellness as we have today.  Then, as now, likely 30% of those living in the UK would have rated their life as very happy (see May 10 Reflection, THE EXCHANGE RATE BETWEEN MONEY AND WELLNESS).  Once the hurdle of serious poverty is overcome, more money does not translate into more wellness. 

As I looked at these simpler environments of earlier generations, I admired the bravery and determination of those bygone years and wondered what the missing link today was?   Resilience and tenacity, I concluded.  Life was tough, creature comforts were limited, but people still got up in the morning with purpose and a smile.

 Unfortunately, today we seem to expect comfort and convenience or else we complain.  Rather than looking inside for purpose we turn to Amazon or the internet for a remedy.  A better prescription would be resilience.  Training one’s resilience occurs when one mindfully adjusts to and positively embraces your current circumstance, especially when it is less than ideal. 

 Being without something you want, savouring the longing and then resolving that you are better without it matures your emotional suppleness and makes you a better person.  Being determined to want less and being grateful for what you have demonstrates what your real needs are.  This focuses your tenacious energy to do what is necessary to achieve your higher goal. 

 Wonderfully, exercising one’s resilience and tenacity is, of itself, empowering, joyful and uplifting.

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I DON’T KNOW

Early in my career, when I was asked a question that challenged my knowledge or understanding I would venture an answer based on my best educated guess.  Partly out of pride and false confidence, an answer would emerge. 

 Then one day I changed my reply to: “That was a good question. I don’t know. Can I get back to you on that?” if I was less than certain of the answer.

 Publicly acknowledging that I did not know was wonderful; a true breath of relief to admit my limitations.  Letting go of thinking or acting as if you know more than you really do is such a joy.  It encouraged my learning and zeal in my area of expertise as I now had topics to explore more carefully and curiously.  That small uncertainty was so exciting, I could probe some obscure issue with a new perspective.

 I have learned to understand the empowerment of admitting I don’t know and sharing my limitations that with others.  This honesty increases the confidence in what I do know and understand, but adds a note of humility and sincerity to my advice and instruction.  It is okay to have gaps in your knowledge.

 I noticed that others were fine with me not knowing the precise answer, particularly when I did get back to them later.  This ignorance seemed to increase their trust in what I otherwise suggested.  Being overconfident in your expertise is unnecessary and possibly even unprofessional.

 Being humble and honest about what you don’t know opens you to being in awe of your body of knowledge.  Exploring these omissions is good for your critical thinking abilities.  Humbly admitting you don’t know something is excellent medicine for your well-being.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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GOALS

Yesterday was a rather special day for me, as I achieved a goal I set over thirty years ago.  I do not wish to boast, but yesterday I arrived in the 100th country (Moldova) of my travelling life.  So what?!

 It is about setting goals that are challenging but attainable.  Whereas your longer term goals are likely other than travel, I know there is some very personal mystery or adventure that speaks to you.  You don’t have to justify your mission, but having one certainly adds purpose and meaning to your middle years when life can become rather same-same.

 In 1984, I started to travel with some eagerness and imagined milestones to encourage me to travel to places just a little further away and beyond my then comfort zone.  The first few milestones were timid but achievable; with persistence and planning I overcame them.  Then came the endurance part of putting in the time, resources and resolve to go to countries further afield and off most people’s map and curiosity level.  I matured skills and resilience, as there were many technical and physical challenges in the way of hitting the magic 100.  I learned to minimize my possessions and tolerate many discomforts. I learned where to put my effort and focus, and when to let go and be in the moment.  Eventually an intrepid traveler emerged.

 Perhaps this sounds like an athlete training for a major event or a young person planning their career.  Wonderfully, those training skills for sports and employment also apply to your personal agenda.  But even better, the exercises for achieving your private but real goals have a much longer time span to be realized and can create an immense amount of joy along the way.  Setting goals creates purpose and achievement; the building blocks of well-being. 

 Having a non-financial goal that may take twenty or thirty years to realize creates immense excitement as you plod through the regularity of life.  Fantasizing about the steps to get there and savouring the process sure makes getting up on a dreary Tuesday morning in winter special.

 Please conjure up your own challenging but attainable goal and invest the energy, skills, confidence and time to achieve it.  This purpose is so positive to your well-being.

 PS:  I have set a new goal of 120 countries by 2025.

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CONFIDENCE AND RISK TAKING

Consider a small child learning to do something for the first time: they fail at activities many times over, but they keep persisting until they do it, with encouragement from their parents. As we get older, we gradually become more and more cautious, as each perceived failure eats away at our ability to take risks. If we are not careful, we can end up with a life in which we live totally and only within our comfort zones, never taking any risks at all. Sounds good to you? Well, that kind of life can feel stifling in the end, and lead to later life regrets.

 If you are confident in yourself but do not take risks related to this faith in yourself, this could easily be false confidence.  If you have faith in yourself that you can do something but do not test that ability by doing something challenging (and potentially failing), then that confidence is likely shallow or misplaced.  By taking risks and pushing your given abilities, your confidence and faith in yourself matures.  Your confidence grows as your continue to challenge yourself.

 Confidence and risk taking are two sides of the same coin; they can mutually build up or undermine each other.  If you are confident you should reasonably be more able to do more challenging tasks.  Taking risks and exploring new opportunities to grow increases your abilities and the assurance you have in these skills. Conversely, not testing yourself stalls your improvement and inhibits getting better.  Soon not taking risk becomes the norm and your skills are constrained.

 Risk taking enhances your confidence and confidence can encourages you to take more risk. Managed together you will grow and experience a more complete and purposeful sense of well-being.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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BEING and/or DOING?

We seem to spend so much time doing that we forget we are human beings not human doings. But how does one get from doing to being? By recognizing that the only thing we have is the present moment – the past is past, and the future is still ahead of us. We need to live in the NOW.

 There are two cycles we are perpetually involved in: the doing and the being aspects of life.  The DOING, DO, DONE loop of life is important but it should not overwhelm the BE, BEING sequence.   Regularly one should acknowledge that actions and busyness are FINISHED and it is time to smell the coffee and savour and relish the moment.

 Just being in the moment means appreciating what has been done, being quiet, and being at peace.  It means consciously stopping and evaluating before you go from one relentless task to another. That is what NOW is all about.  Regularly taking an inventory of your blessings, achievements and progress settles the spirit and improves your well-being.

 Forever pursuing tasks and doing more is exhausting and is well served with the occasional reflective moments.  Maybe meditation is not your cup of tea, but invent your own calming exercises.  Setting aside chill out breaks recharges the brain, encourages creative thinking, problem solving and well-being. 

 Four of the ten positive emotions (Reflection of February 26th) are about experiencing and being in the moment.  They are: amusement, awe, inspiration and interest.  Being in the now means engaging your various senses to non-judgementally savour and capture whatever is around you.  Challenge yourself to smile, find beauty and joy in what is going around you.   There are so many grand things going on around and within you, but maybe you just aren’t seeing them. 

 Challenge your powers of observation to record the amusing, awesome, inspiring and interesting things about your present moment. You might find this very hard to begin with, but practice makes it easier, and it will improve your mood and probably your productivity too!

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UNDER PROMISING

Years ago I was involved in an undertaking that was very frustrating.  The person I reported to was making promises and commitments, but rarely achieved anything near what was suggested.  Over time, I lost interest in the project due to embarrassment and disappointment.  Whereas the underlying project was interesting and achievable, the misleading expectations that were created ultimately lead to the project being abandoned, despite its potential.

 As I look back at that episode I learned an important lesson: under promise and over deliver.  It is better to please than disappoint someone, as we tend to harbour disappointments for a long time.  Over delivering generates surprise and gratitude – you have done more than expected.

We are all far more eager to talk up rather than to downplay an opportunity.  Promising early delivery, significant improvements, amazing low cost, stunning quality is all great marketing, but it isn’t necessarily a good idea.  If the actual result will likely be less than promised; the achievement is depreciated in the eyes of the friend, customer or colleague.

 The consequence of over promising is that one’s reputation for reliability and integrity can be undermined.  In the longer term, what is more important, one’s reputation or a quick sale?  You may win the battle (getting the immediate reward), but lose the war (the next opportunity or a more sustained relationship with that person or client).  Eventually, earning the trust and confidence of others is what should really matter.

 Under promising means being very realistic about what can be delivered and then adding a margin for error.  Knowingly quoting a higher cost, later delivery date or lower performance and later actually surprising the customers, friend or colleague with a better result is a winning formula.  In the short run you may lose a few deals, friends or promotions, but in the longer run you will definitely gain an advantage of trust.  

 Having a reputation for integrity and honouring your word is priceless, and it bears huge dividends in the longer run. 

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PLEASE, THANK YOU AND SORRY

I was recently at a meeting where a young parent spoke about one of his prouder parenting moments.  He glowed as he noted that his two and three year old children said “Please” and “Thank you” sincerely when the occasion warranted it. 

 Together with “Sorry”, “Please” and “Thank you” are some of the words that we would all would like to hear spoken more often in society.   Saying please, thank you and sorry graciously, unconditionally and with sincerity speaks volumes about an individual’s character. These three terms also give us insight into how an individual views their current situation and themselves. We instinctively warm to people who do not think of themselves too highly, and who show proper respect towards the feelings of others.

 Please show respect as it honors the responder and reflects that you are in need and obliged to someone else.  Thank you shows gratitude, one of the attitudes most essential to well-being.  Thank you affirms your helper or donor and opens them up to being helpful in the future.  Unfortunately making mistakes is part of life, such is the human condition.  To say sorry is not license to continue to offend others, but it does start to remedy a hurt.  Saying sorry recognizes that you are aware that you have hurt others and wish to reduce their discomfort.  Sorry also admits your human frailty as you accept responsibility for your shortcomings. Being mindful of possibly being sorry keeps you alert to others and their feelings. 

 Unfortunately there is too little expression of please, thank you and sorry today. Rather, many feel entitled, selfish and indifferent to the plight of others.  Make it your habit to follow the example of those who sincerely, graciously and unconditionally say the magic words, “PLEASE, THANK YOU and SORRY” whenever they fit the situation. 

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GOOD CRAZY

Everyone has a natural comfort zone, a range of events and behaviours where one feels at peace.  I eat almost the same breakfast every day and watch the news before going to bed most evenings.  These rituals and habits are rather boring, but they work for me. 

 But where is the excitement and now of the moment?  To supplement this static existence I seek out what I call “GOOD CRAZY”.  Good means not harmful to oneself or others, and more likely beneficial and uplifting.  Crazy suggests carefree, random, other than usual and most importantly fun.  Added together, good crazy affords immense scope to be in the moment, happy and feeling alive.

 There is so much opportunity for adventure and joy in the present moment if one only steps outside one’s comfort zone.  Why not pay a compliment to a colleague, buy a thoughtful gift for a friend, take a different route home or have a different breakfast?  These little tweaks to our regular patterns makes the day feel more memorable and real.

 Good crazy unlocks so many chances to do wonderful things for others or oneself.  One wonders why we don’t naturally seek to do more spontaneous good.  Perhaps it is because we are on automatic pilot or just too comfortable being other than crazy. 

 Some people assume that if others were to act more in the moment that might imply doing wrong or evil things.  My observation is that there is so much more privatized goodness eager to be expressed than evil.  Going more public with one’s immediate positive emotions will release much wellness.  Being good crazy is about empowering goodness, but please contain those bad crazy impulses.  

 Experiment with your good crazy zone, it will likely improve your circumstances.  To slightly paraphrase Lou Reed, “Walk on the wilder side”. 

 Risk a little good crazy to spice up your life.

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THE ASK; PLEASE ATTEMPT LIFE

For several years I was involved in a not-for-profit organization, where fund raising was a continuous challenge and necessity.  What I learned early on about fund raising (internally called revenue development) is that if you never ask donors for funds, you rarely get a donation.  One of the more common replies from potential donors was, “You never asked, so I never gave.”  So we asked and they made a contribution (often sizable) to our cause. 

 Asking can be unsettling and uncomfortable, but it does get results.  Asking certainly works better than not asking.  As Wayne Gretzky said:

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

And so it is with not putting in your request: it won’t happen if you don’t ask.

 Asking, if done sincerely and respectfully, empowers the asker. It reflects your authority and confidence in yourself by admitting you are in need of assistance.  The helper has a skill or resource you are in short supply of, and can feel privileged to be of assistance to you.  Being an asset to someone else enables the helper to actively show compassion and love, a true honour.  Asking is not a sign of weakness; rather an admission that you have limitations and cannot do everything.

 A useful introduction to an ASK request is to openly acknowledge that the other person may have other demands on their time or resources.  Start by saying,  “I know you are busy but were you to have time could you ……”  This shows you are mindful of their agenda and soften the imposition of your need.  This will materially improve the overall effectiveness of your request.

 To make your request more valuable ensure that you express appreciation for the help you received.  Saying “Thank You” makes the asking cycle complete, as it uplifts the other person.  Without an explicit thanks, asking can make the helper feel taken for granted and depreciated rather than appreciated.

  It’s okay to ask, just do it respectfully

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Befriend Your Enemies

Enemies are bad for you as they can easily undermine who you are.

 There are two important messages in this simple line. The loudest one is that the very idea of an ENEMY is bad for your well-being. Enemies consume your attention and energy, and distract you from your chosen path. Enemies invoke feeling of hatred, or wishing harm to another.

 Secondly, enemies can easily undermine who are you. Wishing or imaging vengeance undermines you and eventually this “enemy” captures you.  What is even more unfair is that this “enemy” may be unaware of your disdain, which make you the victim of your own anger, not them. 

 Yes, there are some people who are not my friend and I would not choose to spend extra time with them, but hate them, NEVER.  I describe them as my least (or less) favourite people. Yes, it does says in the Bible to love your neighbor, but it does not say anywhere that you have to like them. Hating and hatred are such strong emotions which are best avoided

 A difficult but useful strategy I use when someone gets classified as my “least favourite person” is to actively mediate (or pray) for their well-being.  Yes, they may have offended me, but I find it easier to hope for their wellness than ponder their misfortune.  Projecting positive emotions on to my offender almost immediately allows me to let go of the offence that hurt me and move on.  Allowing that person or deed to get under my skin starts to define me, which only makes the injury or offence worse.

 So the next time a wrong or offence occurs to you, try to quietly wish the person well and feel compassion, not anger or hate.  It is much wiser to be defined by one’s own measures and choices, rather than be defined by the actions and opinions of others.  The best solution is to be able to define oneself on your own terms.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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WHAT ARE THE LIES YOU BELIEVE?

Unfortunately we are all cursed with at least a few limiting beliefs. 

  I’m NOT good/pretty/smart/strong/young/slim/rich ENOUGH!!

 We firmly cling to these beliefs without questioning their truthfulness, relevance or merit.  Many of these limiting beliefs are lies and mistruths which we nonetheless make true in our lives.  We act out these misconceptions of ourselves until they are realized and we become a more limited version of ourselves.

 These lies which limit our potential have two telling features the words NOT and ENOUGH. Each should be carefully disputed.  Unraveling the likely lies is very empowering.  Many things of interest in life are not black or white.  Perhaps you are not the best at something, or even that great at it, but that does not mean you are therefore terrible or poor: there is lots of scope for being below average, but still okay.  The word ‘enough’ is even more dangerous and potentially damaging.  Who decides what the standard is for a sufficient amount? 

 Carefully address those views of yourself which hold you back.  Are your views of your own ability too low, or your expectations of what is good enough too high?  Yes, eventually you will discover that there are certain skills or attributes that you are not blessed with and should probably not pursue: you cannot excel in everything.  Furthermore, if you have some legitimate limiting beliefs you ought to also have many more valid empowering beliefs.  A major part of my SMALLER CUP perspective is being aware and grateful for your gifts, whilst underplaying the importance or your shortcomings. 

 A rule I have used after taking my personal inventory is:

 Go with my strengths but MANAGE my weaknesses.

 A long time ago I identified and chose to believe in my gifts and abilities, seeking out opportunities to use them proactively and converting these blessings into my calling and employment.   By manage my weaknesses, I mean being mindful of instances where my weaknesses are potentially exposed and either behaving cautiously in that instance, or purposefully avoiding those situations, people and careers.

   Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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WHERE SHOULD I START?

So many times I have had a sense of feeling overwhelmed, not knowing what to do next or how.  And then I remember one of the more clever song lines from of all places, the Sound of Music!  Julie Andrews sang:

  “Let start at the very beginning - a very good place to start.”

 I learned this lesson on the first day of my professional career, when I was given a task for which I had no training (and a charge out rate of $16/hour, which was a lot of money in those days).  I spend the rest of that day and the start of the following day just puzzled and totally overwhelmed.  And then it dawned on me what the problem was: I did not know where to start.  So I started at what was the obvious first step. I have seen the same challenge countless times when students complete exams: they don’t know where to begin an exam question.

 Acknowledging that one does not know where to start is very helpful when it comes to problem solving.  So often we start in the middle or near the end of the solution process, only to backtrack, go sideways and finally come up with a mediocre conclusion. 

 Mindfully pausing, carefully defining the challenge, admitting to yourself you are lost and deliberately planning a way forward, can seem so unnatural.  But it works!! Eventually seeking out the origin of the problem and an organized sequential path forward might become your pattern of problem solving and decision making.

 Pausing and planning is a very efficient and effective strategy. Carefully defining the first few steps in the solution process works very well.  Then check the task regularly to see whether you seem to be on the correct path.

  Starting at the beginning is a very good place to start.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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RUNNING FASTER or FURTHER?

When you run alone you, you run fast. But when you run together, you run further and more joyfully**. 

 Often going it alone is faster and more convenient, but does it feel better?  Doing things collaboratively can be awkward and slower, but doesn’t it feel more soulful and inclusive?

 Having been a lecturer for over thirty years, one of the most noticeable changes in the classroom culture is the focus on teamwork and co-operation.  Calling one’s colleague a team mate, doing things as groups, seeking out the quiet one, looking for input from many sources – these are just some of the improvements I can see from the more solo learning environment of my youth.  Observing from the outside, I notice a sincere and organic group learning ethos. What an impressive change! 

 I was reading about one of the most challenging sporting events around: the 26.2 mile marathon. This October, Eliud Kipchoge will attempt an amazing feat in London, trying to break the 120 minute barrier. What really struck me was that he was going to have many pace runners who would join him for short stretches and then retire.  This companionship would motivate, calibrate and rejuvenate him.  Clearly, even for marathon running, running together enables you to run more purposefully and joyfully.

 Is life about going faster or further? Is it about being first, or is it about the process as much as the destination? 

 Wellness is a process, not a destination; if you are solely focused on the end result, the actual reward will be short-lived and quickly forgotten.  Remember to err on the side of joyful and savouring experiences over efficiency, rewards or awards.  Seek out opportunities to do things with others.

 **:  Thank you my dear friend Joseph Pereira for this wonderful quote

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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