EXPERIENCING POSITIVE EMOTIONS

Positive psychology research suggests there are ten positive emotions which capture or describe being in a state of well-being or happiness.  These ten emotions are: joy, gratitude, hope, love, pride, serenity, amusement, interest, awe and inspiration.* Indeed, being in situations where these feeling are ripe is wonderful, but there can often be something missing.

Yes, you are full of joy, gratitude, love, hope, but is that it? For me, too often I overlook letting these positive emotions becomes positive experiences.  Being in the moment does not necessarily mean you are mindful of the wonder of that moment.  That extra alertness of pausing to let the subtle glory of that moment resonate within you is the blessing mindfulness can bring.

With a little non-effort any positive emotion can be enhanced.  I call it non-effort for a reason. Non-effort means with full awareness appreciating the awesomeness of being there NOW and giving up the effort of our otherwise naturally tendencies to analyze that moment:  stop judging, evaluating, or ranking the experience. 

Make it a habit or ritual to regularly take an inventory of your immediate situation and see how many of these ten positive emotions are present and active NOW.  See if you can frame that NOW moment with these colourful feelings.  With some concentration try to add a few of these emotions that were not at first obvious and then let the glow of these feeling be fully experienced. 

Mindfully experiencing the NOW is taking that NOW to the next level.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:  You might want to look at the Reflection of February 26th, 2019 for an expanded description of these ten positive emotions.

*: Source:  Positivity by Barbara Frederickson

THE OVER-CHOICE DILEMMA

There are so many choices available to me in the shops these days - it has cured any shopping urges I might have!  The bewildering options exceed my retail skills, and I quickly feel out of my league.  At what point is there too much selection? 

Consider Baskin Robbins and their 31 flavours of ice cream. The more selection, the more I just chose chocolate.  But right after that I start to regret my decision and wonder if mint chocolate might be better, or whatever my friend ordered.  I much prefer less than ten possibilities and shy away from too much variety.  Ever noticed in high end brand outlets how limited the range of goods is?  Similarly, many retailers and restaurants are restricting their product range or menu choices.

“Two psychology researchers (Schwartz and Ward) suggest the following strategy to manage the over-choice dilemma and the cognitive dissonance (buyer’s remorse) you often feel after doing some retail therapy. 

Their suggestions are:

Ø  You can learn to be satisfied, and accept ‘good enough’ (e.g. not worry about getting the best trainers, teachers, extra activities for kids, but worry about being there for them).

Ø  You can lower your expectations. The reality of any experience can suffer from comparisons. Unfulfilled but unreasonably high expectations are the yellow brick road to depression.

Ø  You can avoid social comparisons and set our own standards.

Ø  You can regret less and be grateful for what is good in life.

Ø  You can practice meta-choice and learn when choosing is worth it. This way we will only be a maximizer when it comes to something that really matters.

Ø  You can try to stick to your choices and not change your mind. This is another way to reduce anxiety.

Ø  You can learn to love constraints. Perhaps some constraints (imposed by relationships, having kids and having a regular job) are a blessing, because they reduce our sets of possible choices. If we create and follow a rule for something, we don’t need to make decisions.

Ø  You can remember that choice only increases freedom up to a certain point, beyond which it actually restricts our freedom."*

Try uncluttering your over-choice dilemma: less choice and more gratitude is a better option.

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*:  Schwartz, B., & Ward, A. (2004). Doing Better but Feeling Worse: The Paradox of Choice. In P. A. Linley & S. Joseph (Eds.), Positive psychology in practice (pp. 86-104). Hoboken, NJ, US: John Wiley & Sons Inc.

LETTING GO

Anyone that tells you that letting go is easy is understating the challenge of actually letting go.  Clinging to past misdeeds, regrets or current challenges can hold you back and undermine your well-being.

When it comes to matters of the past, letting go means either forgiving the wrong doer and/or resolving to learn from your misfortune and not let it happen again.  If the pain continues to haunt you, discuss the matter with cherished friends or get professional counseling.  The worst thing you can do is to harbour or ruminate on this past transgression, as you get stuck in an unhelpful rut of anger, regret, remorse and anxiety.

Letting go of an anxiety about a present or prospective matter is a different issue.  The process starts by identifying: “What is it that I am letting go of?”  Is it the challenge itself, THAT person and my reaction thereto, the annoyance, the uncertainty, or something else?                                                                        

For me, letting go is largely about giving up control over the outcome and accepting that the resolution is beyond my influence.   Rather, I focus on what I can do about this situation.  I focus on the idea that there is something I can change, and change it if I can.  Planning, carefully considering the pros and cons, and pondering alternatives are actions which are TOTALLY UNDER MY CONTROL.  It is effortful to contemplate and execute these controllable actions, which makes letting go of the consequences easier, because I know I have done my very best.

Like strategies to improve your confidence, it is useful to distinguish between effort (which you have control over) and results (which can be beyond your control).  Having confidence that you gave your best effort improves the likelihood that better outcomes will result.  Similarly, focusing on your effort and preparation makes letting go easier and more consoling.   Anxiously dwelling on outcomes beyond your control cannot be helpful or constructive. 

Focus on what you can change or control and put your effort there, then let go of the rest.

Or, put another way, known as the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

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FRIGHTENING OR DANGEROUS?

Feeling fright is both essential and unhelpful, depending on the situation.  The fight or flight innate reflex implanted into humankind has certainly saved each of us from harm many times.  Fright caused you to jump back from an approaching car or to decide to avoid that deserted street at night.  However, has too much fright robbed you of much happiness and adventure?

 The epidemiologist Hans Rosling noted:

“Frightening” and “dangerous” are two different things. Something frightening poses a perceived risk. Something dangerous poses a real risk. Paying too much attention to what is frightening rather than what is dangerous— that is, paying too much attention to fear— creates a tragic drainage of energy in the wrong directions. ……. I would like my fear to be focused on the mega dangers of today, and not the dangers from our evolutionary past.” *

 Fear often occurs because we confuse frightening with dangerous.  Fright or fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat which is often highly unlikely.  Take terrorism as an example.  The likelihood of being killed in a terrorist event in the West is 20 times less than being killed in a natural disaster, 14 times less than being murdered but 50 times more than being killed in a plane crash.  More people are killed by bees or horses than terrorists.  But what do we hear about?  Bees, horses or terrorists!!

 Danger is risk that is really out there, based on actual threats. Hans notes:

“The world seems scarier than it is because what you hear about it has been selected— by your own attention filter or by the media— precisely because it is scary.”

We don’t hear about safe outcomes, uneventful but wonderful adventures (unless they are a travel documentary) or happy endings, because they are deemed uninteresting and boring”

In finance the way risk taking is posed is by answering this real life trade-off question:  Do you want to eat well (take more risk) or sleep well (take less risk?) Regardless, the more risk you take the more you will earn.  That’s life.  

There is no right answer to the risk taking/caution dilemma, but that doesn’t mean you should be indifferent or unaware of the trade-offs. 

Regardless of your mindful choice, you unconsciously make the choice to be cautious or take a risk many times a day.  Please temper your conclusion with the occasional reality check: your well-being might appreciate it.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: "Factfulness: Ten Reasons We're Wrong About The World - And Why Things Are Better Than You Think" by Hans Rosling, Ola Rosling, Anna Rosling Rönnlund 

THE PLEASURE – PURPOSE TRADE-OFF

The positive psychologist/economist Dr. Paul Dolan developed his Pleasure-Purpose well-being model.  Dr. Dolan was interested in how an individual allocates their effort and attention between the shorter and longer effects of an experience.  Was it extensively about the feelings in the present moment (pleasure – pain) or viewed through a longer term lens (purpose – pointless)?

Using an example of either watching TV (higher on pleasure and lower on purpose) or work (lower on pleasure, higher on purpose), how did people actually allocate their time?  As an economist, he was curious as to whether one’s use of time was efficient, and whether well-being could be improved by using one’s time differently.  He concluded by saying:

“Having said all of this, it is possible for me to make a general claim: if you have a lot more pleasure in your life than purpose, then you should spend a bit more time doing something that is purposeful. And equally, if you have a lot more purpose than you have pleasure, then you should spend more time engaging in pleasure. This claim is based on the law of diminishing marginal returns (in our case, to happiness), a concept that is very close to any economist’s heart.”

He continues and notes:

“Many of the assumptions we make about happiness and about ourselves have a lot to do with the fact that we generally pay more attention to what we think should make us happy rather than focusing on what actually does.”*

 Dr. Dolan reasonably suggests considering how one manages the pleasure – purpose balance.  By shifting as little as an hour a day to activities on the under-served side of the balance, one can materially improve one’s experience of well-being.  If you have been brought up to feel guilty about indulging in things merely for pleasure this could be tricky, but listen more to your heart and what actually works for you. Similarly, look for purposeful opportunities is you are short on your longer term agenda.

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*: Happiness by Design: Finding Pleasure and Purpose in Everyday Life by Paul Dolan 

SELF ADVISING

The psychologist Dr. Steve Peter suggested a clever way to identify who you are and how you might advise yourself accordingly.  He used the following scenario. *

"Imagine you are 100 years old and on your death bed with one minute left to live.  Your great-great-grand child asks you. “Before you die, tell me what I should do with my life” (1)

Pause for a moment and try to honestly answer the question within the next minute. You have just one minute, starting now. When the time is up and you have worked out what you would say to them, then continue reading.

Answering this question will identify what is important to you, what is the essence of who you are and what really matters to you. It is what life is all about to you. It is your raison d’etre, your reason for being.  Many of you will answer with statements such as, ‘it doesn’t matter what you do’, ‘be happy’, ‘don’t worry’, ‘take more risks’ and ‘make the most of it’. Whatever your advice was to your great-great-grandchild is really the advice to yourself. If you are not living by this advice, which is the essence of your existence, you are living a lie. Don’t live a lie; it will unsettle you more than anything else.”

It is highly likely that the “YOU you want to be” and the “YOU you are” are not the same.  You, like almost everyone else, are somewhat lying to yourself.  Re-solving this riddle is beyond a two minute reflection, but taking your own self-advice to others is a good place to start. If you are keen to unpack your self-mystery, do read ‘The Chimp Paradox’ (noted below): a clever, humorous, lay-person’s guide to brain science and wellness.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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"The Chimp Paradox: The Acclaimed Mind Management Programme to Help You Achieve Success, Confidence and Happiness" by Steve Peters

(1) Bertrand Russell said something along the same line when he noted, “I feel as if one would only discover on one’s death-bed what one ought to have lived for.”

ACHIEVEMENT AND YOUR CALLING

The notion of achievement has really got my fancy.  It seems to explain so much of my awesome life journey.  Somewhere in my early forties, my life fortunes seem to fall into place and stay that way. Particularly, achievement, engagement, purpose and calling joined up and my well-being almost permanently was improved.  Looking back, what brought all these circumstances together: it was achievement!

Sometime in my forties I began to enjoy significant career satisfaction: going to work was like going to play. The more time I was involved in my career, the more I enjoyed it.  I was in the FLOW for so many moments from when I left my home until I returned.  But what was it that brought such pleasure and purpose? It was the countless very small successes that happened every day.  Lectures became shows.  Learners were the audience.  The curriculum was the music and art.  Building lectures was my canvas.  Achievements were everywhere, and unconsciously many task I did became a chance to achieve and excel.  Even the most mundane task of marking exams became an art form where each script was an opportunity to impress me and let the learner shine.  Effort and talent were working together as a team. 

Purposeful opportunities were everywhere.  Encouraging my students to understand better and more deeply became my educator goal.  Wondering why something made sense to me became a mystery adventure.  Imaging WHY became my mission statement.  My lectureship career became a calling.  The cycle of flourishing repeated itself and continues to this day.

I hope I don’t come across as boasting or proud, rather I am sharing the eureka of discovering why and how my calling evolved.  It was all about inventing baby step achievements such that the smallest task was a joy I savoured and a chance to do a little better. 

Many of us can harmonize our engagement, meaning (purpose), achievement and calling.  Want to upgrade your career to a calling? Use achievement as the catalyst.  Design micro achievement tasks and moments into your day and relish those successes.

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ACHIEVEMENT AND GRIT*(Part One)

I have had the privilege of observing thousands of university learners over the course of my career. With the most successful ones, I have long wondered why they became particularly successful. I would see saw glimmers of early promise in many students, but why did some go on to great accomplishments, and others seem less destined to succeed?

There is a growing body of research into this area. * Angela Duckworth converted the physics formula:

Distance = Speed x Times    to an achievement equation;

Achievement = Skill x Effort   (leaving the coefficient out).

Using thousands of samples, Angela was able to reasonably predict those that would achieve highly and those that would quit or underachieve.  She found that natural ability, talent or IQ was a poor predictor of success, and that effort, or determination, made all the difference.  She called this effort GRIT.

Angela found that those students who were not automatically able or quick at their studies had to work harder, longer, and practice more (the strivers). They had more grit and their achievements often matched or exceeded their naturally more able colleagues.  Strivers had a better achievement rate.

I have also observed in learners that whilst some are extremely naturally able, there are others who have an extra quality: a steady determination. They are diligent, focused and striving, and they seem to display some resilience when the going gets tough. I admire those especially diligent learners that seem to willingly go the extra mile with a smile.  As the sayings go: Success is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration (Thomas Edison). Or Winners never Quit, and Quitters never Win.

So what does this have to do with well-being?  Lots.  First, Achievement is one of the five dimensions of well-being or flourishing (Positive emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Achievement or PERMA).  Achievement really matters! 

Whereas you cannot change your natural abilities, you can become more determined and resilient.  Grit is often more important than innate ability, especially in the long run. 

Improving your well-being takes effort but it is rewarding. We give lots of time and attention to gaining academic qualifications, but often we put very little time and effort into improving our own well-being. Maybe we should apply some of the same grit and determination that we apply to our careers to our own well-being, and to making significant changes in our personal lives.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: Flourish: A New Understanding of Happiness and Wellbeing: The practical guide to using positive psychology to make you happier and healthier by Martin Seligman

and

*: Grit: Why Passion and Persistence are the Secrets to Success by Angela Duckworth

BAD, BUT (MUCH) BETTER*

Try answering the questions below:

1. On average, how many fewer year(s) of schooling does a 30 year old woman have than a 30 year old man?  A: 1 year   B: 2 years   C: three or more years

2. In the last 20 years, the proportion of the world population living in extreme poverty has …    A: almost doubled   B: remained more or less the same            C: almost halved

3. There are 2 billion children in the world today, aged 0 to 15 years old. How many children will there be in the year 2100, according to the United Nations? A: 2 billion   B: 3 billion   C: 4 billion

4. How did the number of deaths per year from natural disasters change over the last hundred years? A: More than doubled   B: Remained about the same C: Decreased to less than half

5. How many of the world’s 1-year-old children today have been vaccinated against some disease? A: 80%   B: 50%   C: 20%

6. In 1996, tigers, giant pandas, and black rhinos were all listed as endangered. How many of these three species are more critically endangered today?         A: Two of them   B: One of them   C: None of them

 How did you do (correct answers below)? These questions were posed to over 12,000 people in 14 “developed” countries. The average person got only one right and very few (less than 2%) got them all correct*.

 So what?!  The awesomeness of these questions is that the world is actually making some significant progress in these areas, more than we sometimes imagine. Girls are almost as well educated as boys. Poverty levels are the lowest ever.  Population growth rates are stabilizing.  Given the quadrupling of world population, the relative devastation from natural disasters has been reduced by almost 90%.   Infant illness prevention is happening. Conservation is working. Things may be BAD, but they are MATERIALLY BETTER than they were.  The problem is our awareness about well-being is about 30 years behind the true situation.

 Good news does not sell.  Tragedy and violence is news worthy. Joy and peace seem to be uninteresting.  Gradual and significant improvement is ignored.  Misfortune is assumed the normal state of nature. A nearly empty cup of blessings is the default condition.

 Real progress is occurring, and at a historically high and persistent rate.  Be certain that the state of well-being of the least fortunate may be bad, but it is MUCH better than it was.  That’s encouraging. It shouldn’t make us complacent, but it does give us cause to hope.

 Correct answers: 1: A, 2: C, 3: A, 4: C, 5: A, 6: C

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*Source of the questions and data: Factfulness: Ten Reasons We're Wrong About The World - And Why Things Are Better Than You Think" by Hans Rosling, Ola Rosling, Anna Rosling Rönnlund. The raw data comes from UN data bases.

JUDGING OR THINKING

Carl Jung noted that: “Thinking is difficult, that’s why most people judge.” So true - UNFORTUNATELY!!

Being judgemental is toxic to our well-being.  Mindfulness starts with the expectation that one is non-judgemental of oneself and others and present in that moment.  Being judgemental unnecessarily and unhelpfully elevates our sense of status to being better, more correct or important than we are, or the opposite.  And how does that improve our well-being or spirits?

Proper judgement involves reasoning. It comes from a place of informed understanding, where we are able to truly see something from all perspectives. Very few truly significant issues are black and white, having a right answer or conclusion.  There is a significant difference between making a quick judgement of someone and making an informed, thoughtful and objective one.  The Bible says that only God can properly judge others, because only He sees the true motives of the heart. It encourages us to first of all examine ourselves before we think to judge others.

Conclusions that are more thoughtful are nearly always better, but we are encouraged to reserve judgement on others whenever possible. Sometimes we have to make judgements, and then it is important that we are as balanced as possible. Let’s be clear, that takes a lot of effort and critical thinking, but that is the nature of making an objective judgement, it takes a lot of thinking.  Thinking is difficult!  Being objective is equally difficult but essential.

Figure out what is especially essential in our life, become an expert thereof, seek constructively to be just and judgemental in these domains and let go of the rest.  Next, we should judge ourselves, and only afterwards should we proceed to judge others and other matters.

Letting go of our judgemental nature is extremely empowering, and grounding, but very difficult to do.  Start by deliberately judging less often and see where it takes you.  Definitely a work in progress project.

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EMOTIONS, SOLUTIONS (OR JUST LISTEN)

Occasionally I ask someone how they are doing and they proceed to tell me about their emotional highs and lows. Sometimes I reply to their struggles by telling them what they should do to solve their situation. The respondent than wonders why I bothered to ask about their feelings. Do you recognize this conversation cycle? 

Many find it useful and therapeutic to talk about their feelings without seeking resolution or input from the listener; they just want to release the stress they are experiencing at that moment. Blowing off some steam seems to improve their well-being and mood. Others, when asked how they are doing are rather private about their feelings, and say little about their turmoil. But when they do open up they are often looking for advice or solutions to their troubles.  

Neither perspective nor orientation is wrong (or right), better (or worse), it is just how you are wired.  The challenge is when personal matters are discussed that these styles of engagement (talking about feelings or seeking solutions) may not line up with the speaker’s preference.  Time to silence your problem solving urges as that may not be what the other person is looking for. 

How do you manage this dilemma?  Listening and not interrupting is essential in all cases; are you hearing lots of emotional adjectives or more situation specific details?  When you reply make sure you use the same type of vocabulary.  Avoid making judgements or premature suggestions, let the person keep on talking and ask questions rather than finishing their sentence or making assumptions.  And now the hard part, especially for the problem solver types – SHUT UP ON THE ADVICE/ SOLUTION STUFF, as generally this is exactly what is not desired or expected.  Likely just talking was useful and the talker feels better.  Note, generally problem solver types are reluctant to talk about their challenges.  It is therefore useful to ask if the person is seeking input or advice or just wants to let off steam, before you go down the solution road.

The constant theme running through this reflection is:  LISTEN CAREFULLY, SAY LITTLE, LET GO OF JUDGEMENT AND ASK IF ADVICE IS USEFUL BEFORE GIVING IT. 

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HELPFUL AND/OR HOPEFUL

One of the essential positive emotions is being hopeful. In the list of ten positive emotions, being hopeful is the only one that is future oriented. The expectation that the future bodes well and is promising is fundamental to joyful well-being.  The aspiration for improvement is what makes life purposeful and meaningful.  Take away one’s hopefulness and life can appear rather bleak.

Another desire is to be helpful and proactive; the sense that effort can make a difference.  Can you personally do anything to improve or implement your hopeful aspirations?

Both hopeful and helpful have antonyms: hopeless and helpless. Both of these are disabling. I have asked people to describe themselves within these parameters.  Age seems to have a bearing on how one classifies oneself.  Older folks (over 50) seem to be generally hopeful and feel empowered to affect their hopefulness.  However, for younger adults hopefulness was in shorter supply and helplessness was not uncommon.  What a despairing revelation!

So how can one get out of this melancholy funk?  Do you start with the helplessness or the hopelessness?  I would start with helplessness.  Without a personal sense that you can make a difference, being hopeful is an impossibility.  It is unlikely that you will be able to solve climate change, but you can make your neighborhood a tidier place, and reduce your climate footprint.  World peace can seem hopelessly idealistic, but in your little way you can be kind and inclusive.  Start small and local.  Make a commitment to honour your word, arrive at the time you agreed, under-promise and over-deliver.  Mindfully practice helpfulness, it will unlock your hopefulness.

And being hopeful?!  Again, think small, setting realistic and immediate goals.  Practice gratitude.  Count your blessings.  Have a SMALLER CUP that is fuller. Let go of comparison (unless it is with your yesterday).  Be charitable. 

If you don’t feel helpful or hopeful, how can you move yourself forward?  Work on your helpfulness, as your well-being depends on it.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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DON’T BELIEVE OR ACT UPON EVERYTHING YOU THINK

The ten - seventy thousand thoughts we think each and every day are not us (see April 9th for more on this issue). If we reduce these thousands of thoughts to those few that we make actionable, there is still a need for caution.  Why? Because a large percentage of these thoughts are not true and largely based on conjecture, incomplete information, false assumptions or emotional fast thinking.  And other are just not helpful or constructive.

Our mind is programmed to react quickly and instinctively to uncertain or potentially threatening stimuli.  The “better safe than sorry” response was essential to survival until very recently.  It was not useful to ponder whether that danger was real or imagined.  It was better to run, seek shelter or be on guard lest the threat was real.  Yet we continue this tradition of not questioning our assumptions, sources of information or expectations and going forward on mis-truths or wrong conclusions.  Far too often what we believe is other that true.  Rather what we believe is often convenience to our prior prejudices, goals or status quo.

Dan Milman noted that:  “You don’t have to control your thoughts.  You must stop letting them control you.”   Even if our thoughts are correct and complete, are they helpful or hopeful?  Just like questioning what we believe, we should also be on guard about why we believe them and whether that conclusion is going to make us a better person. 

Many of our truthful thoughts are dysfunctional and distracting.  Willpower, mindfulness and resolve needs to be applied to manage our speculative imagination and thinking.  Asking where these thoughts are taking us is useful. Are we ruminating?  Are our thoughts appealing to our better or worst nature?  Are these thoughts building us up or bring us down? 

We need to act like a principled judge and jury when we cede control of our thoughts and convert them into actions.  We should pick and choose those very few thoughts which are true, helpful, hopeful and well-being focused, and let them direct our actions. 

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PREDICTING OUR FUTURE (FAILURE)

There can be a self-fulfilling, rather prophetic nature to our life.  Consider this all-to-true riddle or Catch 22:

We learn from our past what to predict for the future.  Then we live in the future we expected.

Continuing, we predict the worst outcomes, not the best.  We will do less well in a presentation and our prediction comes true.  Or we want to lose weight or go to the gym but deep down inside we really don’t believe we can or will, and low and behold we underachieve. We are setting ourselves up for failure. Can we make this “pre-lived future” work for us? Can we undermine its destructive influence?

Yes, there are several strategies that we can do to make these self-fulfilling prophecies work for us.  The best place to start is to predict an attainable but reasonably challenging and wonderful future.  If your expectation is unrealistic, then by design you will fail.  Better to under-promise and over-deliver than to over-promise and under-deliver and fail.  Next, predict successful outcomes.  Imagine winning, achieving that realistic goal.   Turn this riddle so it works to our advantage by expecting positive outcomes. What also is helpful, if we have been unsuccessful in the past on this mission, is to re-frame this attempt as a FIRST TIME, even if it isn’t. Those previous attempts are plaguing us and setting us up for failure.  Mindfully LET GO of past disappointments or consider them irrelevant.  At the very least don’t let past disappointments set us up for another one next time around.  Let go of pre-conceived notions or ideas that are unhelpful or hold you back.

At the root of this cycle is the tendency to predict the future and fuss about the past.  Rather we should strive to be in the present moment and be mindful.  Being caught up in a loop between the past and the future compromises the NOW. Why not live the present moment, reframe it and believe it will is very well indeed?

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MULTI-TASKING AND LISTENING

Can we really do two or more MEANINGFUL things at the same time? Try it out!  Can we engage in a purposeful conversation with a friend, and do a second important task like plan for tomorrow? Or solve two challenging tasks at the same time?  NO, doing two significant things properly at once is an impossibility.  More likely the results will be doing less well on both the tasks you are engaged in.

Somewhere in the past twenty years the word and notion of multi-tasking has developed a fame of its own.  People would proudly state that they were expert multi-taskers and the more tasks we could manage at once the more capable and employable we were.  More recently the tide of thinking is changing and questioning this earlier wisdom.  Should we be allowed to drive and talk on our cellphones?  Is walking about and playing games on our phone a good idea?

Neuroscience shows clearly that the brain cannot actually do two things at the same time and in fact it can be harmful.  Rather our mind goes back and forth between the different tasks and is not concentrating or thinking deeply on either.  It is on a stressed and unhappy automatic pilot.  Yes, we can walk, talk and chew gum at the same time, and that is the point. None of these tasks are difficult, important or dangerous.

Multi-tasking is also harmful to our well-being, especially as it relates to listening within conversations.  Listening is one of the most essential ingredients in a positive relationship, but are we actually listening or just pretending to?  Are we multi-tasking?  Paying careful attention and being mindful is difficult, and it is the opposite of multi-tasking.  Mindfulness requires us to be there for that person and what they are saying.  Often the level of our attention is a measure of the importance of the conversation and that person.

Next time we are in a dialogue with someone dear to ask: “Am I taking them for granted? Am I trying to get points or be witty?  Am I bored?  Do I just want to be heard? Am I really there in mind and spirit?  Is what I have to say more important than what they have to say?”  Probably the answer to some of these questions will be discouraging, but ask them anyway and listen to our answer. It is a struggle to act responsibly and thoughtfully.

I note that both uni-tasking and being a better listener are challenging.  I am definitely a work in progress on both those scores, but trying hard.

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*: Travis Bradberry, Ph.D. Multitasking Damages Your Brain and Your Career, 2014 TalentSmart® www.talentsmart.com.

ANGRY OR DISAPPOINTED?

I don’t know about you, but when I am caught up in traffic, or someone does something that I think is untoward, I can quickly become very angry. Perhaps you have had instances where better anger management would have been helpful.  Instead you got yourself into an unpleasant or uncomfortable situation and said or did something you later regretted.  Is there a cure to not losing your temper?

More recently when I have faced these anger testing moments, I have actively sought to re-frame and re-phrase this tension with a different emotion.  Instead of being angry I CHOOSE to be disappointed or discouraged. 

Reframing anger to being disappointed, discouraged, displeasured or dis-anything starts with a conscious and deliberate choice of pausing.  This breaks the almost instantaneous cycle of fight or flight into a recess and lets us step back and reflect for a moment.   Then, by changing the lens that I use to see the situation, my temperament also changes.  I move from an external desire to lash out to an internal examination of what is really troubling me.  Yes, someone wronged me, but rather than venting outwardly I just absorb the blow and process the event as impersonal, letting go of as much of the negative energy as possible.  At the end of the day wasn’t my anger really disappointment? I was discouraged and frustrated by the situation.

The wonderful thing about being disappointed or discouraged is that it allows me to question the WHY behind my tension.  After all, anger at its root started as an offensive survival skill when times were very dangerous and hostile. Hopefully, I begin to recognize that much of my frustration is related to my assumptions about the situation.  Often if there is a cause to my anxiety it is based in myself. The best thing to do is move along and ask what can I learn from what just happened. 

Pausing and challenging my beliefs and reframing the angry moments as disappoints certainly has reduced the sting when things go pear-shaped.  These discouragements encourage me to learn and accept increased responsibility for my own circumstances and my reactions thereto.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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IS OUR FRIGHT USEFUL OR NECESSARY?

Fright can undermine much of our well-being, especially if it is left unchecked and permitted to grow.  We can be fearful of some uncertainty or situation and conjure up anxious outcomes.  But are our fearful thoughts warranted or were we just caught off-balance?  Fright is akin to being momentarily scared, but does that mean things are really dangerous or life threatening?

Historically, having a cautious nature was essential to one’s survival and safety, as danger was everywhere and medical treatment was practically non-existent.  A broken leg or open wound was very life threatening.  The average life span until the start of the twentieth century was between 30 and 40 years, whereas now it is 80 or over for those living in the West.  Have we re-wired our thinking to today’s world? Or are we living in some media invented other reality?  The media is constantly telling us that we are at serious risk from too much fat in our diets, or criminality, or airplane crashes or threats from terrorism– and all of these can make us overly anxious. Remember, good news does not sell, as it is too boring.

Frightening things are about perceived (or imagined) risks, whereas dangerous things are about real risks.  Between innovations, regulations, standards, medical advances and education, the world has never been as safe as it is now.  Being frightened is largely an emotional, not a rational reaction.  Put very bluntly, if you were to die only because of unnatural or dangerous events (that is, other than age related illnesses and circumstances), on average you would live to be 2,800 years old.  Based on this simple but valid statistic our world is EXTREMELY safe and secure.

Getting to grips with your anxiety will help you sleep better. Please consider investigating the FACTFULNESS* book noted below, it provides the data and research to support a less dangerous view of our reality.  It is a fascinating and reassuring read.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: Factfulness: Ten Reasons We're Wrong About The World - And Why Things Are Better Than You Think by Hans Rosling, Ola Rosling, Anna Rosling Rönnlund

ARE WE HERE FOR A GOOD TIME?

Trooper, a Canadian band from the 70’s wrote a wonderful song called: “We’re here for a good time (not a long time)”.  For the longest of time that simple line was at the root of much that I did and indeed I did have some very good times.  Back then it sounded like a good compass to direct my attention, but it does ring hollow now.

Somewhere over the past fifteen years I discovered the importance of purpose.  I started to focus more on doing things because they were in line with my core values and intrinsic goals.  Volunteering, designing my working duties and seeking out venues where I could encourage outcomes that really mattered to me became essential to my well-being.  I started to look for opportunities to combine purpose with good times, and there were several.

I know it took many years, and many mis-steps, but eventually I was able to find a unique circle of competence where I could do things that were very purposeful and mattered to me.  I looked at what I did well in my career: what were those things that I would willingly and eagerly do on weekends or evenings? I started to read more and think more deeply about my dreams and goals. Was there any common theme?   How can I make a difference and make the world a better place? Something purposeful slowly emerged.

What distinguishes a good time from a purposeful time?  Good times focus too much on immediate or short term pleasure.  Good times exaggerate the importance of “JUST DO IT”, and can be rather selfish.  Purpose considers well-being, others, the longer term and the consequences of what you JUST DID. 

I would be the last person to suggest that you give up good times.  Yes, be fanciful and carefree.  Do cause some amazing memories. Absolutely, good times rock!!  But also pause, and imagine how you can make a good time a BETTER TIME.  A dose of purpose is all it takes.

Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

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MAKING HELPFUL AND HOPEFUL COMPARISONS

Comparing yourself to others often breeds jealousy and/or a sense of disappointment.  There will ALWAYS be someone with a better, bigger, newer, shinier, smarter, richer, faster or flashier whatever.  At best you may win the comparison contest for a few weeks before you are topped or your achievement, if compared to others, loses its merit, interest or bragging rights.

However, comparisons can also be very constructive as they motivate us to seek to improve ourselves and our situation.  We look around and speculate how we can make for a better tomorrow.  Much of this forward thinking is based on comparing what is to what might be; looking for a fix or improvement to our current situation. If there was no better or worse outcome, nothing would be worth doing. (1)

So, how can you make the process of comparison helpful and work for you? It comes down to what is the standard or base you use when you make comparisons.  Is it reasonably achievable or unrealistic? Related or unrelated to your personal strengths?

The Canadian psychologist Jordan Peterson came up with a simple and effective rule, being: “Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today”. (1) Looking at the comparison process this way provides some practical guide.  Letting go of others in the comparison game makes the possibility of successful improvement highly achievable, as you become your own standard. 

So how can you make comparison helpful and hopeful?  Decide on what aspects of yourself to focus on for improvement by asking: “What is the better version of yourself you want?”  What are those personal attributes that you are likely to succeed at bettering?  Set low and readily achievable targets and slowly up your game.  Observe and appreciate your personal improvement over time.   Make the rewards for progress intrinsic and personally satisfying.  Look at your yesterday and note how your today is in a minor way better.

Letting go of others in the comparison process is an effective way to focus on yourself and your journey.  Get rid of the disquieting self-doubt and jealousy that others unhelpfully introduce into your self-improvement challenge.

Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

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(1):  Jordan B. Peterson, 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos, (Penguin Books, 2018)

CIRCLE(S) OF COMPETENCE

My career was blessed by two simple but fortunate decisions I made in my early teens.  The first was to decide very clearly what I did not want to do or become, and avoid these topics like they were the plague.  Secondly, I listened carefully to my heart and head at the same time, and heard what they suggested in terms of what I was naturally better at or interested in.

I sensed early on that I was better with numbers than the arts.  Next, I observed that I preferred dollar signs to co-sines, so I pursued business rather than engineering studies.  I was more comfortable being loud than quiet, and made lots of similarly small trade-offs. What I deliberately did was to make the circle of what I was better at or more interested in smaller and smaller.  Warren Buffett calls this “staying within your circle of competence”.

What this means is to decrease the range or breadth of things you find meaningful, whilst at the same time increasing the depth of how you understand and improve the skills related to this body of knowledge and expertise.  I mindfully stumbled into things that spoke to me emotionally and intellectually, committed to what I was expected to learn, was privately proud of my self-learning and let these insights wholeheartedly lead me on. By my middle twenties I found my career and in my early thirties I discovered my calling.

What was critical was to always stay within my decreasing circle of competence.  And at the same time, to TOTALLY BUY-IN WITH HEART, BODY AND SOUL. Decreasing the scale but increasing the scope of my world was awesome and completely ME.  It became easier and easier to enter a state of flow where a sense of self and time disappeared, where high challenge was coupled with high levels of skill.  A career becoming a calling that happened organically.  Even now I still discover or re-invent new circles of competence which I get totally excited about.  I focused almost exclusively on my strengths, but managed my weaknesses where unavoidable.

You can do the same: find, invest in, commit to and be proud of your circles of competence.

Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

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