IF LIFE IS A JOURNEY, THEN ….

I often refer to my life as a journey and forget that there have been and are so many people on this journey with me.  Perhaps I should modify this refrain and state rather:  “My life is a PLANE journey”, for so it was and is.

As I pause and reflect on this communal voyage, I am amazed how many others have made this trip so awesome.  Passengers have got on and off my PLANE, changed their seats to be nearer and further from me, some occasionally taking over the driving or encouraging me to stop. I have been taken to places I had never imagined. Sometimes I was the only one on my plane, which was intense because of its lonesomeness.  Then there were a few nuisance travel-mates who pulled me off track and/or damaged the engine of my plane.  But at the end of the day, I am grateful for EVERY fellow passenger on my life’s plane journey, the wonderful and the troublesome.

What is so inspiring is the wonderful tapestry of serendipitous views and events that my companions shared.  As I look at the seating plan, I was generally in the economy class and occasionally got bumped up to business or first class.    Who were those pilots that strongly influenced my journey?  Who were the stewards who made the trip so comfortable?  Who sat in the seats beside, in-front and behind me?

Wow, what an amazing cast of fellow travelers have been part of my continuing journey.  As I pause and take inventory, there are fifteen or twenty passengers that I can name that I am profoundly grateful to for sharing my journey.  I love savouring their companionship and what it brought with it.  And then there are the thousands of others who paths I crossed who added marvelous colour and depth to the scenery.

So, who are your traveling companions on your plane journey of life? What is your seating plan? What can you bring to another’s life journey to make their journey more joyful?  Once in the while,  stop looking out the window and watch your fellow passengers!

Do make your life journey and plane ride a trip that works for you.  Relish the fellowship and banter of your traveling buddies.  And let go a little about the destination, provided you keep going in the general direction that lines up with your life mission and purpose.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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SELF-COMPASSION*

Rabbi Hillel said:

If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? If not now, when?

Indeed, if you are not kind to yourself, then where and when is your life journey going? Too often we are better friends to others than ourselves.  That is where self-compassion starts: deeply caring about yourself and your situation just as you might be concerned for a dear friend or soul mate, and then doing something about it.  The only difference is you are also that other person.

Self-compassion is not about feeling sorry for yourself.  Rather it is about designing remedies and perspectives that see you progressing to a better place.  In practice you are starting to come to terms with some of your quirks and faults and learning to accept  and if possible, change them, just as we do of friends.  That letting go and being non-judgemental with yourself brings a sense of peace and calm. 

Compassion for yourself is where you start when things are tough, not where you stop. Self-compassion makes a person more resilient, more able to bounce back. It lowers self-criticism and builds up self-worth, helping you to be more ambitious and successful, not complacent and lazy. In compassion for your own pain is a sense of common humanity: we all suffer, we all face disease and death, we all lose others we love. Everyone is fragile. As Leonard Cohen sang: “There is a crack in everything / That’s how the light gets in.” Everyone is cracked. Everyone needs compassion.*

 This is where Rick Hanson* steps in with some interesting advice.  You should savour that calm from self-compassion and associate it with the process of healing and changing.  Reinforce, remember and repeat the connection between the positive feelings of letting go and the personal challenges you are addressing.  Self-compassion encourages you to reward yourself with your efforts to change, just as you would for a friend you are actively helping.  Being personally kind to yourself brings an internal glow of wellness; don’t overlook that sensation, rather dwell on it and use its synergy to further advance your self-help progress.”

To change your mind, you may have to change your brain. Neuroplasticity is reformatting your brain, including reformatting it to be a better friend to yourself. Self-compassion enables the transformation process to work.  Be kind to yourself, just as you would to any true friend.

 Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*:  Many of these observations are based on the book Resilient by Rick Hanson

KINDNESS

What do you imagine to be the most important quality that women and men seek in a sustained relationship? David Buss tested over 10,000 people from 37 different cultures and concluded that consistently the most important attribute was kindness.*  Whereas this conclusion may not be surprising, it certainly is reassuring.  Kindness is  powerful and universally appreciated. It is valued in all our relationships and interactions.

In all our hurrying about, do we spend enough time being kind?  Do we speculate what random or deliberate acts of kindness we might do to improve another’s day?  The word LOVE is sung and wrote about, but is that really what the world needs more of?  Yes, love is wonderful, but how about just being and acting in a kind and thoughtful way?

Kindness is an action word; it is something one actually does (or does not do).  Kindness can be seen and explicitly experienced by others.  Acting kindly requires one to think about or imagine someone else’s situation and directly engage with satisfying that request.  Kindness and thoughtfulness are a team, with thoughtfulness starting the process.

Mindfully being kind has strong synergy: not only do you make some else’s moment better, but it also lifts your spirits, and the opportunities for kindness are almost infinite. Simple actions like being courteous, generous, helpful  or differential are the sparks that start the kindness cycle.  Others do note these actions if they are done in an authentic and selfless manner.  The more random and anonymous these acts of kindness are, the more it improves your wellbeing and joy in that moment.

We as a species are described as mankind.  Let’s release our kindness and live up to our name and calling.  Please be kind (and tolerant).

 Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*:          Buss, David M. 1989. “Sex Differences in Human Mate Preferences.” Behavioral and Brain Sciences

UNHELPFUL ATTITUDES

I can remember being in my early twenties and proudly cynical and sarcastic.  It was pompous youthfulness on display.  The more contrary and mocking I was of the present situation, the wiser I felt.  What a youthful fool I was. Somewhere in my thirties I let go of these unhelpful attitudes, but secretly held onto many of their related  judgemental perspectives.  And finally, after far too much mocking and a false sense of self-righteousness, I realized I was raining on my own parade.  Can you relate to this rite of passage?

Letting go of being cynical and sarcastic is not that hard, but to stop being judgemental is a real challenge.  I struggle with a tendency to judge others as though I have all the right questions and answers.  What is especially noteworthy is that being judgemental bring no joy or wellness to myself or anyone else.  Rather it fuels anger and pride, sowing division and intolerance instead.  I notice that with all the increased tension, frustration, anxiety and impatience because of Covid (and Trump), our judgemental nature is only becoming more pronounced and outspoken.  Scary times!!

So where to start to become less judgemental? How about admitting to oneself that being judgemental is an unhelpful and destructive habit.  Next, let go where you can, stop vocally labelling certain people or views as “stupid”.  Silencing your public judgement will quiet your inner whisper.  Accept the fact that you do not know all the facts about the situation.  Start imagining that you may be wrong, and others are right.  And finally, admit that your opinion generally really does not matter much (except at election time).

Unhelpful attitudes that started with being cynical and sarcastic, and matured into being self-righteous and judgemental, get no one anywhere.  Try reframing these attitudes with tolerance, inclusiveness, compassion and patience.  You will feel much better thereafter.

Reflection Source: www.Smalmercup.org

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

POST-TRUTH

Truth is the quality or state of being true. Wikipedia adds ‘of being in accord with fact or reality’.

What is especially unsettling is the suggestion that we now live in a post-truth society, where truth does not matter or matters less. Now, emotions and personal beliefs can trump what was previously considered to be either true or false.  Post-truth views deliberately confuse opinions and facts.  By cherry picking facts and statistics, fantasy becomes reality, and truth and respect optional.  Worse, those that disagree with us become our opponents and we, the rightful victors of justice and whatever, are right and true.  Somehow this does not sound like a situation with a happy or positive ending.

But what does this have to do with wellness?  A lot!!  The more the post-truth notion gains hold in society, the less tolerant, compassionate and inclusive we seem to have become.  Identity politics has become more accepted.  Identity politics considers it fair game to cast very negative views on another’s character just because they do not agree with our views or perspectives.  Rather than being inclusive and tolerant of those that differ on matters of opinion, those that disagree are often described in unkind terms and held in distain.

Two central hallmarks of a liberal democracy are the encouragement of differing points of view, and the tolerance of these differences.  By a process of debate, over time, society evolves and improves.  But central to this evolution is respect for the truth and opportunities for society to learn and change. But that takes time and patience..

Perhaps it is Covid, politics, social (not physical) distancing or whatever, but I have noticed recently in the media and on the streets a reduction in civility and inclusiveness.  Post-truth judgementalism seems to have undermined some of the kindness and compassion we feel for others; a slippery slope to go down.

I pray that in 2021 truth returns to take centre stage and with it brings respect and patience for those we disagree with.  May opinions be accepted as opinions and not as facts. That is certainly one of my new year’s aspirations.  I know this tolerance will significantly enhance my wellbeing and joy in 2021.

Reflection Source: www.Smalmercup.org

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

APOLOGISE, FORGIVE, FORGET

Relationships are complicated and wonderful at the same time. Not surprisingly, things do become problematic on occasion. Someone anonymously provided the following advice about relationship management:

The first to apologise is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest.

What true but difficult advice to follow, but well worth the effort.

For me, apologising is awkward, which is why being brave is so essential.  Saying “Sorry” does not come easy or frequently enough.  However, I have learned that being first to be sincerely regretful is remedial and constructive.

Forgiving is often the other side of the apologising sequence.  Accepting the “Sorry” often resets the relationship on a more positive footing.  However, what about those times when there is no apology:  is forgiveness unnecessary? That is where being strong and turning the other cheek comes into play.  Being first to forgive others quickens your healing and recovery.  Put in the negative:

Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die.*

Then there is forgetting.  Truly letting go of a past misdeed is not easy, but the alternative only makes the poison more toxic. In the best of all circumstances, the Apologise-Forgive-Forget cycle can be completed and the healing process settled.  When that is not going to happen, forgetting is the happiest outcome.  Sometimes for good reasons, when forgiveness is not an option, then forgetting and letting go is that much more urgent.  Unfortunately, bitterness is often the alternative to forgetting; and bitterness is the less happy place to be.  Being first to forget neutralizes the poison of past transgressions.

Being first to apologise, forgive and forget will make your relationships braver, stronger and happier.   

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

*: Marianne Williamson

MAN-KIND

Being KIND can be defined as having a good or benevolent nature or disposition; being compassionate and humane.  The antonyms (opposites) of KIND include being atrocious, barbaric or cruel*.  We as a species are known as MANKIND.  Ponder for a moment whether the notion of being kind has any merit as part of our nature.

Here is a parable of unknown origin.  It contains what I believe is a simple but profound truth: 

An old man says to his grandson: ‘There’s a fight going on inside me. It’s a terrible fight between two wolves. One is cruel – angry, greedy, jealous, arrogant, and cowardly. The other is kind – peaceful, loving, modest, generous, honest, and trustworthy. These two wolves are also fighting within you, and inside every other person too.’ After a moment, the boy asks, ‘Which wolf will win?’ The old man smiles. ‘The one you feed.’

It is interesting when world travellers like Michael Palin summarize their travel lessons: what is their almost universal recollection? They are profoundly impressed by acts of unconditional kindness from total strangers (and I can certainly confirm that conclusion from my travels).   Yet, when we are at home, do we always think kindly of our unfamiliar neighbours, or our community at large?  We can feed our cruel wolf a diet of judgement or suspicion about our fellow community members.  And then we find confirming evidence to reinforce our prior prejudices and misgivings.  Does it need to be so?

Our kind wolf, unfortunately, does not get out enough.  Random acts of kindness are its favourite food.  The human spirit has a special design feature which makes being charitable one of the most powerful elixirs to lift our spirits.  Our kind wolf does not need much food to become fully active and overwhelm our unkind wolf.  Once kindness is in play, it is amazing how much power it has against any foe.  Our cruel nature is actually very weak, it has a lot of energy but not much endurance, and it can easily be overcome by compassion.

So which wolf will YOU feed: the kind one,  or the cruel one?

*:  Merriam-Webster dictionary

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

COMPETE OR COMPLETE

I have taught business in a university environment for over thirty-five years.  Over these years I note that the favour and focus of  learners,  society  and faculty has changed.  Sadly, it seems business has become overly focused on profit, market share, WINNING and a blind faith that the marketplace should decide what is proper, moral or constructive.   In the early  ‘80’s, business and financial matters received far less media attention.  Not so today: financial concerns seem to justify too much of what society values and measures.   Is there a better way to be financially and socially successful?

John C. Maxwell* suggested a change in our financial mindset from competing to completing.  Maxwell describes the competing attitude as focusing on WIN-LOSE, excluding others, scarcity, selfishness and zero sum.  A completing attitude values WIN-WIN, including others, abundance, selflessness and growth.

Yes, the competing perspective has significantly improved our standard of living.  However, a phenomena called the ‘Easterlin paradox’ notes that over the past fifty years or more, per capital income adjusted for inflations has more than doubled, but measures of personal happiness in the West have remained constant at 30%, meaning that about 30% of the population continues to describe themselves as happy.** 

The most rewarding aspect of the completing mindset is that it brings joy, gratitude and serenity to us and others.  You may be a little less wealthy, but you feel so much healthier and more connected to others.

After all this improvement in our material wealth it seems like it is time to shift to a completing, cooperative and collaborative perspective.  Competition and our current capitalist model needs to become more inclusive.  The issues of climate change, inequity and intolerance are not topics that competing seems designed to resolve in a timely manner.

Consider replacing WIN-LOSE challenges to WIN-WIN opportunities, and we will all be better off. 

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

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*:  Leadershift by John C.Maxwell

**: Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth by Ed Diener, Robert Biswas-Diener

PHYSICAL DISTANCING

To me, somewhere along the way, the Covid safety message got lost in translation.  Keeping physical space between households was a wise strategy, but when this became known as ‘social distancing’ something tragic started to happen to our wellbeing and the wellness of others.  Before you knew it, there was a sense of suspicion of others that was emotionally unhelpful. If I may quote the epidemiologist Michael Osterholm:

“I categorically reject the concept of social distancing. It’s physical distancing. I hope we never social distance, ever.”*

What are we told to do when we think we might be in danger from others? Self-isolate!  But wouldn’t something like self-distancing sound kinder and more inclusive? Isn’t the temptation there to feel we are some sort of pariah, and to cut ourselves off from others socially and emotionally too?

Please be clear I do not disagree with the advice of creating space between us, but rather how it is phrased.  Words matter.  Often when I walk about physically separated, I feel that there is an undercurrent of anti-social anger and suspicion brewing amongst some.  Distrust your neighbour, look out for yourself - that person may be dangerous! These views come with so much anxiety and tension attached to them.  A grand strategy for physical health maybe, but extremely unhelpful for mental health and wellbeing.

Covid-19 is a most unfortunate reality.  However, too much focus on the illness and too little focus on wellness leads to increased anxiety, reduced mental health and unleashing an uncomfortable new normal.  Humans by design are social creatures.  We should be doing everything in our power to ensure we have as much contact with others as we can, without that including unlawful physical contact. ALL studies on wellness consider social engagement as an essential ingredient to improved wellbeing and flourishing.

Physical distancing is a respectful, kind and non-judgemental response to our current situation.  Please purge the term SOCIAL DISTANCING from your vocabulary and replace it with the more humane term PHYSICAL DISTANCING.  And increase your social rapport to overcome the remaining distance between us.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:  COVID-19: Straight Answers from Top Epidemiologist Who Predicted the Pandemic, by Dan Buettner, Blue Zones, June 6, 2020. Please follow this link for an excellent science based discussion of  Covid-19: https://shar.es/aHLAoO

IF YOU GIVE YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE *

‘No one has ever become poor by giving’ : Anne Frank

It is extremely easy to be overwhelmed in the face of Covid-19 and the challenges it presents us with.  A useful antidote to this situation is to be charitable.  Giving to others is putting gratitude into action, and it allows us to feel that we can be of some use in these times.

Both the quote by Anne Frank and the Chinese proverb quoted above capture a wonderful quality of giving. When you give, you seem to end up with more than you had before.  Willingly and joyfully giving miraculously seems to BLESS you with more than you gave up.  There is no other word but BLESS to describe this awesome synergy.

Many have noted that in response to the Covid crisis spontaneous random acts of kindness and giving are occurring because of the (almost) unique human quality of altruism.  Being selfless or other-minded significantly improves our sense of well-being and helps the community we live in.

There are three different forms of giving, all beginning with the letter “T”.  One can give of one’s Time, Talent or Treasure.  Whereas financial assistance is appreciated, giving of your time or talent is especially effective as it engages more of your intentional energy and being. This charity is especially rewarding.

As the lock-down constraints are reduced, there is expected to emerge a profound mental health challenge.  The economic and employment disruptions will require governments and citizens to re-visit their willingness and ability to give to and share in the burdens of the pandemic victims.

If you are fortunate and not materially disadvantaged by this new-normal, please re-define your giving agenda.  Make giving while you are living a larger priority.  And explore the time and talent opportunities of your donation plan.  You will become richer and more blessed as you give.

Please be kind, patient and thoughtful to your partner and others.

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*: A Chinese proverb brought to my attention by Miguel Mayher

KINDNESS, PATIENCE, THOUGHTFULNESS

Look carefully at your most prized relationships and ask:  “What is the most essential ingredient in these relationships?”  Yes, love.  But love is a rather vague catch-all word.  How about kindness, patience and thoughtfulness?  Wouldn’t it be awesome if you gave and received these unconditional expressions of love?

As these words are so rich and subjective, I thought it might be useful to look up their definitions in Wikipedia.  And here is what I learned:

Kindness is as the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate.

Affection, gentleness, warmth, concern, and care are words that are associated with kindness.  

Patience is a person's ability to wait something out or endure something tedious, without getting riled up.

Thoughtfulness is showing consideration for others; considerate, being mindful or heedful of the well-being of others.

Your relationships would likely appreciate extra dosages of kindness, patience and thoughtfulness, but how do you make that happen?  Start by consciously putting in these same ingredients.  When matters get harried, consider which would be the best medicine, or ponder whether there is tension because they are lacking.  When everything is going well, observe how mindfully upping the amount of kindness, patience and/or thoughtfulness makes that moment even better.  Also, be alert to when you receive these responses from others and note how it improves your relationship.

Once you have done several proactive experiments with these emotions, share what you have learned with your partner or friends.  Encourage them to be open to using kindness, patience and thoughtfulness to show and receive affection.

Mindfully giving and receiving kindness, patience and thoughtfulness certainly improves any relationship.  Do some experimenting and see what happens.  Nothing to lose, and everything to gain!

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THE CONFIRMATION BIAS

There is too much disagreement, anger and division.  Whether it is Brexit, Donald Trump or climate change, there are such polarized and uncompromising views.  I am right and you are wrong; I am wise and you are foolish and I can prove it.  See, this is what I just read!

Psychologists and economists note that people have a strong and natural inclination to seek out information that confirms their views and dismiss information that contradicts their opinion.   They call it the confirmation bias.  The confirmation bias is the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms or strengthens one's prior personal beliefs or hypotheses, and overlooks or trivializes whatever contradicts that opinion.  We feel we are right and the evidence supports our conclusion.  The only problem is that someone else holds exactly the opposite view, and was also able to find supporting evidence to support their contrary view. 

This isn’t about fake news, propaganda or mis-truths.  Rather, there are thirty or more facts or half-truths out there and each side’s media picks and chooses those ten facts that suit their narrative and subscribers’ views.  No one wins and the debate gets more heated.  Each side becomes more polarized and refuses to listen or entertain the other’s perspective.  The divisions multiply and actual debate or resolution becomes more difficult and in fact unwelcome.  The only solution seems to be for the other side to admit defeat and repent.

Sounds rather hopeless, but is this not a realistic summary of the views on most complex matters?  Is there a solution?  YES!!

I suggest that to start, one should respectfully listen to those opinions which are contrary to yours and acknowledge that some of their points have merit.  Read media that promotes views that are different from your own so you can appreciate where that other perspective is coming from.   Accept the fact that your view has some negative or problematic features. The hallmark of true and functioning democracy is tolerance, please exercise and be tolerant when differences emerge.  Finally, if you strongly disagree with someone’s’ opinion, that does not mean that person is a bad person.  Branding others with labels like enemy, evil, ignorant or the like because you disagree with them is neither helpful, fair nor kind.

By definition complex issues very rarely have 100% “correct or ideal” solutions.  The reason they are complex is because the trade-off required to resolve these matters is not black and white, but grey.  The ultimate solution is likely in a tight range between 50%   +/-   10%, and you largely agree on most of the aspects of the issue, it is just that in the final balance and solution you may differ with others.

Please let our differences be governed by tolerance, patience, civility, open-mindedness and compassion.  Please lighten up on your confirmation bias.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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HELPFUL AND/OR HOPEFUL

One of the essential positive emotions is being hopeful. In the list of ten positive emotions, being hopeful is the only one that is future oriented. The expectation that the future bodes well and is promising is fundamental to joyful well-being.  The aspiration for improvement is what makes life purposeful and meaningful.  Take away one’s hopefulness and life can appear rather bleak.

Another desire is to be helpful and proactive; the sense that effort can make a difference.  Can you personally do anything to improve or implement your hopeful aspirations?

Both hopeful and helpful have antonyms: hopeless and helpless. Both of these are disabling. I have asked people to describe themselves within these parameters.  Age seems to have a bearing on how one classifies oneself.  Older folks (over 50) seem to be generally hopeful and feel empowered to affect their hopefulness.  However, for younger adults hopefulness was in shorter supply and helplessness was not uncommon.  What a despairing revelation!

So how can one get out of this melancholy funk?  Do you start with the helplessness or the hopelessness?  I would start with helplessness.  Without a personal sense that you can make a difference, being hopeful is an impossibility.  It is unlikely that you will be able to solve climate change, but you can make your neighborhood a tidier place, and reduce your climate footprint.  World peace can seem hopelessly idealistic, but in your little way you can be kind and inclusive.  Start small and local.  Make a commitment to honour your word, arrive at the time you agreed, under-promise and over-deliver.  Mindfully practice helpfulness, it will unlock your hopefulness.

And being hopeful?!  Again, think small, setting realistic and immediate goals.  Practice gratitude.  Count your blessings.  Have a SMALLER CUP that is fuller. Let go of comparison (unless it is with your yesterday).  Be charitable. 

If you don’t feel helpful or hopeful, how can you move yourself forward?  Work on your helpfulness, as your well-being depends on it.

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THE GOLDEN RULE PLUS

The Golden Rule wisely states:

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

This is an excellent guideline, but can this rule become less of a maximum and more of a minimum?  For example, how about:

Do unto others AT LEAST as you would have others do unto you. 

So what? you comment: what is the intended difference?  The basic Golden Rule can occasionally sound like a quid-pro-quod, reciprocity arrangement.  It can feel like a barter arrangement or expectation management process: fair trade which is indeed equitable and useful BUT….. can we do better?

By adding “at least”, the most powerful well-being exercise is enabled, which is kindness or better still, random acts of kindness.  Doing three acts of kindness a week (preferably on the same day) will improve your well-being.  The harder you push the kindness, and the more random and anonymous it is, the more enhancing to your spirits it becomes.

Going the exact mile is easy as the road is rarely crowded.*  The second mile is generally even easier than the first.  The momentum of your kindness is already in play and the rewards for others (and yourself) actually scales up and multiples. As Matthieu Ricard notes, altruism** is one of the defining and highest of human ambitions, enabling wellness and joyfulness.  By adding, AT LEAST to the Golden Rule the bounty of kindness and compassion is brought more clearly into focus and practice.

Being kind or altruistic until it begins to bite or seem inconvenient has the wonderful quality of making our compassion and charity feel special and uplifting.  Practice doing unto others as you would have them do unto you, regularly, and then once in the while, push a little harder or further.  Like any exercise, this extra excursion strengthens your kindness muscles and make you more naturally compassionate.

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*: Wayne Dryer

**: Matthieu Ricard, Altruism, The Science and Psychology of Kindness

MULTI-TASKING AND LISTENING

Can we really do two or more MEANINGFUL things at the same time? Try it out!  Can we engage in a purposeful conversation with a friend, and do a second important task like plan for tomorrow? Or solve two challenging tasks at the same time?  NO, doing two significant things properly at once is an impossibility.  More likely the results will be doing less well on both the tasks you are engaged in.

Somewhere in the past twenty years the word and notion of multi-tasking has developed a fame of its own.  People would proudly state that they were expert multi-taskers and the more tasks we could manage at once the more capable and employable we were.  More recently the tide of thinking is changing and questioning this earlier wisdom.  Should we be allowed to drive and talk on our cellphones?  Is walking about and playing games on our phone a good idea?

Neuroscience shows clearly that the brain cannot actually do two things at the same time and in fact it can be harmful.  Rather our mind goes back and forth between the different tasks and is not concentrating or thinking deeply on either.  It is on a stressed and unhappy automatic pilot.  Yes, we can walk, talk and chew gum at the same time, and that is the point. None of these tasks are difficult, important or dangerous.

Multi-tasking is also harmful to our well-being, especially as it relates to listening within conversations.  Listening is one of the most essential ingredients in a positive relationship, but are we actually listening or just pretending to?  Are we multi-tasking?  Paying careful attention and being mindful is difficult, and it is the opposite of multi-tasking.  Mindfulness requires us to be there for that person and what they are saying.  Often the level of our attention is a measure of the importance of the conversation and that person.

Next time we are in a dialogue with someone dear to ask: “Am I taking them for granted? Am I trying to get points or be witty?  Am I bored?  Do I just want to be heard? Am I really there in mind and spirit?  Is what I have to say more important than what they have to say?”  Probably the answer to some of these questions will be discouraging, but ask them anyway and listen to our answer. It is a struggle to act responsibly and thoughtfully.

I note that both uni-tasking and being a better listener are challenging.  I am definitely a work in progress on both those scores, but trying hard.

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*: Travis Bradberry, Ph.D. Multitasking Damages Your Brain and Your Career, 2014 TalentSmart® www.talentsmart.com.

WHAT GOOD THINGS ARE HAPPENING TO YOU?

How you start a conversation with a friend or stranger can significantly influence how pleasing the interaction is.  “Hello” or the like works okay and no one takes exception, but you can do better, once the first introductions are over.  What if you start that encounter on a positive, engaging and sincerely interested tone? Chances are the chat will be more joyful and insightful.

My preferred way to set the tone of a conversation with a friend is to sincerely ask:  “What good things are happening to you?” hoping that they answer this question thoughtfully and happily.  If they are reluctant to share initially, then I respectfully pry a bit until something joyful emerges.   I listen for clues so we can have a pleasurable tête-à-tête about the blessing in their life.  Rather than hearing about the rain or traffic delays, you hear about vacations, achievements, friendships, or other joys. 

Another similar question to set the tone is to ask:  “What is going well today?” or “What went well?”   Sure enough, something is going well.  People love to discuss their success, and it is wonderful and inspiring to learn about their wins.  Quickly, they overcome their modesty and share their better moments and achievements.  

Years ago, a colleague taught me a wonderful introduction to a total stranger, such as a taxi driver or shop clerk when you need help.  He acknowledged the person as”  “Hello my friend”.  This introduction generally set the tone of the exchange on a positive and equal footing.  Additionally, the assistance you get is so much kinder and personable.  People in the service sector are less used to being treated in a friendly manner and appreciate the respect you bestow on them.  And it cost you nothing!

Trying to start conversations in a more positive framework causes you and others to frame their moments and days through a more grateful prism.  This will make for more enjoyable moments and conversations.

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MAKING HELPFUL AND HOPEFUL COMPARISONS

Comparing yourself to others often breeds jealousy and/or a sense of disappointment.  There will ALWAYS be someone with a better, bigger, newer, shinier, smarter, richer, faster or flashier whatever.  At best you may win the comparison contest for a few weeks before you are topped or your achievement, if compared to others, loses its merit, interest or bragging rights.

However, comparisons can also be very constructive as they motivate us to seek to improve ourselves and our situation.  We look around and speculate how we can make for a better tomorrow.  Much of this forward thinking is based on comparing what is to what might be; looking for a fix or improvement to our current situation. If there was no better or worse outcome, nothing would be worth doing. (1)

So, how can you make the process of comparison helpful and work for you? It comes down to what is the standard or base you use when you make comparisons.  Is it reasonably achievable or unrealistic? Related or unrelated to your personal strengths?

The Canadian psychologist Jordan Peterson came up with a simple and effective rule, being: “Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today”. (1) Looking at the comparison process this way provides some practical guide.  Letting go of others in the comparison game makes the possibility of successful improvement highly achievable, as you become your own standard. 

So how can you make comparison helpful and hopeful?  Decide on what aspects of yourself to focus on for improvement by asking: “What is the better version of yourself you want?”  What are those personal attributes that you are likely to succeed at bettering?  Set low and readily achievable targets and slowly up your game.  Observe and appreciate your personal improvement over time.   Make the rewards for progress intrinsic and personally satisfying.  Look at your yesterday and note how your today is in a minor way better.

Letting go of others in the comparison process is an effective way to focus on yourself and your journey.  Get rid of the disquieting self-doubt and jealousy that others unhelpfully introduce into your self-improvement challenge.

Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

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(1):  Jordan B. Peterson, 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos, (Penguin Books, 2018)

THE MARRIAGE POSITIVITY RATIO

Being married or in a committed primary relationship is a puzzle with an amazing prize.  Figuring out how to make the relationship work beneficially for both parties is challenging but well worth the effort.  Members of constructive, happy, primary relationships have improved health, well-being, longevity, resilience and income. (1) One renowned psychologist expanded on the finding of a colleague and made the following empirical finding:

Psychologist Barbara Fredrickson discovered that experiencing positive emotions in a 3-to-1 ratio with negative ones leads people to a tipping point beyond which they naturally become more resilient to adversity, and effortlessly achieve what they once could only imagine. (2)

Another psychologist John Gottman, however, found a different ratio in a different context. He found that for a marriage to succeed, there must be at least five times as many positive interactions in the relationship as negative ones, a 5:1 ratio that Gottman dubbed the “magic ratio,” more commonly known as the “Gottman ratio.” (3)

If you put these two ratios together side by side, you immediately understand why marriage is so tough. We demand a 3:1 positivity ratio for all our daily experiences, except in our marriage, from which we demand even more. In that sense, we all behave more sternly toward our partner, and we judge them far more harshly than we judge mere acquaintances. Maybe if we understand that, we could give our partner a little bit of a well-deserved break, and maybe marriage would not be quite so tough. (4)

Acts of kindness and expressions of gratitude towards your partner sometimes go undone or unsaid because of the busyness of life.  Similarly, partners can judge the other too frequently or bluntly.  Time to go back to the basics: pro-actively love your partner as yourself.

 Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

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(1): Ilona Boniwell, Positive Psychology In A Nutshell: The Science Of Happiness (McGraw-Hill, 2012)

(2): Barbara Fredrickson, Positivity, www.positivityratio.com.

(3): John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail . . . and How You Can Make Yours Last (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1994)

(4): Chade-Meng Tan, Daniel Goleman, Jon Kabat,  Search Inside Yourself: Increase Productivity, Creativity and Happiness [ePub edition] 

SUCCESSFUL GIVING AND KINDNESS

Recently I came across three interesting and complementary studies on the benefits of giving and kindness. 

 The first was by Elizabeth Dunn. She noted that there is a virtuous circle: giving improves your well-being, and improvements in your well-being increase your willingness to give in the future. (1)   

 Following up on this idea, Sonja Lyubomirsky found that doing five acts of kindness on a single day, rather than spread out over a week, significantly improves the effectiveness of your actions in terms of making them habit-forming. (2)  The concerted, deliberate and concentrated focus on acts of kindness in a single day, once a week for six weeks, changed the individual positively and built the foundations for sustained wellness.  It is as though there are economies of scale for kindness.

The third finding on giving was the most curious and counter-intuitive.  Adam Grant’s research found that successful givers (givers that can sustain and increase their charitable giving over time) not only cared profoundly about others, but were mindful of how being charitable was in their own self-interest, as it enhanced their own well-being.   They aligned what mattered to them with what would make a difference to those they were giving to.  We might feel that it is somehow wrong to think about ourselves in the context of giving, but it seems not. Grant argues that being other-focused or self-focused aren’t at opposite ends of the same spectrum; they’re different, separate motivations. In fact, it seems that being high on motivation to help others and high on drive to achieve our personal goals is what enables successful givers to give extraordinarily over a sustained period of time.

Grant describes two different types of giver: ‘selfless-givers’ and ‘other-ish givers’. Selfless givers are high on other-interest and low on self-interest. In the longer term, they can pay a price for giving their time, money and energy without regard for their own needs. Other-ish givers are high on both concern for others and on their own self-interest, meaning they can successfully maintain giving over time. Clearly neither is selfish. (3) (4)

Taken together, empirical science strongly suggests that acts of kindness and giving are strongly linked to personal well-being, especially when combined with an attitude of gratitude.  Furthermore, implementing a lifestyle of planned, deliberate and other-ish giving is an effective WIN-WIN approach to personal well-being.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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(1) : Aknin, L. B., Dunn, E. W. & Norton, M. I. (2011). Happiness Runs in a Circular Motion: Evidence for a positive feedback loop between pro-social spending and happiness. Journal of Happiness Studies, 13(2), 347-355

(2) : Lyubomirsky, S., King, L. & Diener, E. (2005). The Benefits of Frequent Positive Affect: Does Happiness Lead to Success? Psychological Bulletin, 131, 803-855

(3) : King, V. (2016). 10 Keys to Happier Living.  Headline Publishing Group

(4) : Grant, A. (2013). Give and Take: A revolutionary approach to success. Hachette UK

PLEASE, THANK YOU AND SORRY

I was recently at a meeting where a young parent spoke about one of his prouder parenting moments.  He glowed as he noted that his two and three year old children said “Please” and “Thank you” sincerely when the occasion warranted it. 

 Together with “Sorry”, “Please” and “Thank you” are some of the words that we would all would like to hear spoken more often in society.   Saying please, thank you and sorry graciously, unconditionally and with sincerity speaks volumes about an individual’s character. These three terms also give us insight into how an individual views their current situation and themselves. We instinctively warm to people who do not think of themselves too highly, and who show proper respect towards the feelings of others.

 Please show respect as it honors the responder and reflects that you are in need and obliged to someone else.  Thank you shows gratitude, one of the attitudes most essential to well-being.  Thank you affirms your helper or donor and opens them up to being helpful in the future.  Unfortunately making mistakes is part of life, such is the human condition.  To say sorry is not license to continue to offend others, but it does start to remedy a hurt.  Saying sorry recognizes that you are aware that you have hurt others and wish to reduce their discomfort.  Sorry also admits your human frailty as you accept responsibility for your shortcomings. Being mindful of possibly being sorry keeps you alert to others and their feelings. 

 Unfortunately there is too little expression of please, thank you and sorry today. Rather, many feel entitled, selfish and indifferent to the plight of others.  Make it your habit to follow the example of those who sincerely, graciously and unconditionally say the magic words, “PLEASE, THANK YOU and SORRY” whenever they fit the situation. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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