ARE WE HERE FOR A GOOD TIME?

Trooper, a Canadian band from the 70’s wrote a wonderful song called: “We’re here for a good time (not a long time)”.  For the longest of time that simple line was at the root of much that I did and indeed I did have some very good times.  Back then it sounded like a good compass to direct my attention, but it does ring hollow now.

Somewhere over the past fifteen years I discovered the importance of purpose.  I started to focus more on doing things because they were in line with my core values and intrinsic goals.  Volunteering, designing my working duties and seeking out venues where I could encourage outcomes that really mattered to me became essential to my well-being.  I started to look for opportunities to combine purpose with good times, and there were several.

I know it took many years, and many mis-steps, but eventually I was able to find a unique circle of competence where I could do things that were very purposeful and mattered to me.  I looked at what I did well in my career: what were those things that I would willingly and eagerly do on weekends or evenings? I started to read more and think more deeply about my dreams and goals. Was there any common theme?   How can I make a difference and make the world a better place? Something purposeful slowly emerged.

What distinguishes a good time from a purposeful time?  Good times focus too much on immediate or short term pleasure.  Good times exaggerate the importance of “JUST DO IT”, and can be rather selfish.  Purpose considers well-being, others, the longer term and the consequences of what you JUST DID. 

I would be the last person to suggest that you give up good times.  Yes, be fanciful and carefree.  Do cause some amazing memories. Absolutely, good times rock!!  But also pause, and imagine how you can make a good time a BETTER TIME.  A dose of purpose is all it takes.

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BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR

I lived for a year in one of the most financially prosperous cities in the world.  If there was a lottery and the prize was to be immensely rich, well this was it.  There were malls everywhere and any conceivable consumable pleasure was not far away.  ‘Shop ‘til you drop’ was a national obsession and past time.  They had won the “life” lottery (after all, someone has to) and got the prize of having financial abundance beyond belief.

 I was gone after a year; what a relief. I learned and observed an important lesson:  Be careful what you ask for, you might just get it.  Imagine you got that amazing car, house, partner, career or whatever you asked for: would that be it and nirvana forever after?  More than likely, life would soon be rather hellish or hollow.

 Many aspirations are indeed uplifting and noble, but many are not. How often do we silently say to ourselves: “I wish I had….”    How do you sort them out?  I ask a rather simple question:  “Imagine it is a rainy, miserable Tuesday in the fall and it is 11 AM and you had or were doing what you asked for, would you feel purposeful and happy?”  Maybe you would feel blessed and grateful for whatever you had: great!  Or perhaps that ocean front view, car, job, office or wardrobe might just as easily be humdrum and bland.

 So what are attributes of more purposeful or worthwhile living to aspire to?  The psychologist Martin Seligman summarized five measurable elements of what he described as flourishing* or well-being:  Positive emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Achievement (or PERMA). 

If what you desire does not contribute to at least one of the elements, move on.   If the answer is YES, go for it.  If the answer is MAYBE, speculate what is missing and whether you can supplement your desire with it.  If it cannot be bundled together, than stop.  If the answer is NO, let go of that desire, as it is likely very superficial and just a consumption urge coming out of boredom.

Finally, if what you get is what you asked for and it is great, be especially GRATEFUL!! 

Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

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*: "Flourish: A New Understanding of Happiness and Wellbeing" by Martin Seligman 

ARE WE OUR INTENTIONS OR OUR ACTIONS?

There is a dilemma and contradiction we all encounter when we judge ourselves or others.  When it comes to ourselves we know what our intentions are and evaluate our actions using our internal moral compass based on our intentions.  However, for others, as we can only see their actions, we judge them by these actions and largely overlook their intentions. 

This implicit unfair bias has troubling consequences.  We imagine ourselves to be highly proper, fair minded citizens based on our noble intentions (and often poor execution thereof).  However, when someone trespasses against us, we act as judge and jury and sub-consciously convict that person and their actions as untoward.  Too often we infer the wrong intention and mis-judge the impact of the action.  Where is the balance of justice and fairness in this contraction?  Obviously it is missing.

Where do you go from this puzzle?  The quickest but often hardest solution is to become less judgemental and let go of the process of critiquing others.  What a joy and relief it is to just be and let others be also.  Following on this line, the principle that ‘what goes around, comes around’ applies to you.  If you judge others less often or harshly, you can reasonable expect that you will be treated similarly. 

You should fully appreciate that the measures you use to judge others should be used to judge you, complete with the mis-perceptions natural to the fact that you are not the actor of the action. It may not always work out that way, but it certainly can make your life a lot kinder and less tense.

When the actions of others impact on us, it is a good strategy to frame their intentions as coming from a good and wholesome place.  Most likely that person meant no harm, and the worst case is that they were careless (but not thoughtless or vicious).

Note, I am not suggesting that actions do not matter, because they absolutely do!  Rather, judge less, judge as you wish to be judged, do more good, subtly appreciate the impossibility of fairly evaluating others and assume the best of others.

I do believe ultimately we are our intentions (but WE MUST INTEND TO DO), things just get lost in translation.

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NOTHING IN LIFE IS QUITE AS IMPORTANT AS YOU THINK IT IS, WHILE YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT IT

Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel Prize winning economist, made this brilliant observation about our human condition and mindset. We fret and focus on matters that at the time seem immensely important or urgent, but likely are just the day-to-day events of a normal life.  Yes, there are important matters that confront us and warrant our undivided attention, but they are fortunately few in number.  Health, career, relationships, financial issues, the weather, deadlines and emotional issues crop up in our mind all the time, and we awfulize and replay them until they seem to become all that matters. 

Our mind is a poor judge of putting things in perspective and ranking their importance.  With thousands of moments and thoughts each day, our mind is ripe for debating trivial matters just to fill its day.

So what can you do to manage your wild mind?  Start by laughing at most of these impulses as if they were scenes in a TV sit-com.  After all, aren’t they just absurd exaggerations of the present moment?  Are your worries statistically possible or probable?  Question the underlying beliefs and hypothesis that these thoughts are based on.  How much of the underlying concern is just conjecture, or based on incomplete information? Do you have a natural tendency to imagine the worst case scenario, not the best?

Observe that many of these “important” matters are actually rather mundane matters that just need to be attended to, so just note them down and do them.  Test these issues that are overwhelming you by imagining the worst case outcome and honestly consider just how awful that eventuality would really be.  How much of a resilience test would that scenario be?  If resolution is beyond your control then accept that there is nothing you can do and move on.  Objectively challenge your subjective judgements and thoughts.

If this thought that you are dwelling on is really important, sequentially plan how to address it.  Re-visit the matter after writing it down and then not thinking about it for a while, and consider sharing your concern with someone else who may bring a different perspective to the table. 

Once you have made all the plans that you can, most importantly, let go of these thoughts – worrying will not change anything. Remember, nothing in life is quite as important as you think it is, while you’re thinking about it.

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NO PLAN B

Recently I moved to another continent and country.  The culture, climate and everything in-between was new and very different from much that I was used to.  Regularly, before and after the move, people asked me the same questions, being: “Why?” and “How are you enjoying the change?”  It was as though they expect me to complain or regret my choice.  But my reply is always the same: “There is no Plan B so I am determined to make Plan A a wonderful success!”

The absence of a viable alternative or obviously better plan is such a blessing.  But the real point is not the absence of a substitute, but rather the total decision to not give any other arrangement any air or space to fester.  

Very occasionally, you have to make big choices where the decision precludes and includes many subsequent aspects of your life.  Choosing a partner, career, home, place to live, or employer are just a few of such binary (Yes/No) dilemmas. 

A good way to undermine your final selection is to second guess your conclusion, regret your conclusion, ask “What if?” and/or replay your decision making process. It sounds like even after your selection there still seems to be a Plan B on the table.  But there isn’t, unless your decision was half-hearted and naïve.

When you are in one of those Plan A or B decision moments, do spend the time making the trade-offs, and weighing the pros and cons.  But also acknowledge in advance there will be elements of regret and disappointment, as this is the nature of life.  With informed consent, you need to buy-in accordingly, and let go of any cognitive dissonance (after the fact regret).

Living your life as though there is always a Plan B out there significantly depreciates your well-being.  You are trapped in the puzzle of re-living your past, corrupting your future and hollowing out your present moments.  Buying into your Plan A and perpetually upgrading it makes the very thought of Plan B unwanted and unwarranted.  

Once Plan A is in play, THERE IS NO LONGER A PLAN B (THANKFULLY)!

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MAKING HELPFUL AND HOPEFUL COMPARISONS

Comparing yourself to others often breeds jealousy and/or a sense of disappointment.  There will ALWAYS be someone with a better, bigger, newer, shinier, smarter, richer, faster or flashier whatever.  At best you may win the comparison contest for a few weeks before you are topped or your achievement, if compared to others, loses its merit, interest or bragging rights.

However, comparisons can also be very constructive as they motivate us to seek to improve ourselves and our situation.  We look around and speculate how we can make for a better tomorrow.  Much of this forward thinking is based on comparing what is to what might be; looking for a fix or improvement to our current situation. If there was no better or worse outcome, nothing would be worth doing. (1)

So, how can you make the process of comparison helpful and work for you? It comes down to what is the standard or base you use when you make comparisons.  Is it reasonably achievable or unrealistic? Related or unrelated to your personal strengths?

The Canadian psychologist Jordan Peterson came up with a simple and effective rule, being: “Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today”. (1) Looking at the comparison process this way provides some practical guide.  Letting go of others in the comparison game makes the possibility of successful improvement highly achievable, as you become your own standard. 

So how can you make comparison helpful and hopeful?  Decide on what aspects of yourself to focus on for improvement by asking: “What is the better version of yourself you want?”  What are those personal attributes that you are likely to succeed at bettering?  Set low and readily achievable targets and slowly up your game.  Observe and appreciate your personal improvement over time.   Make the rewards for progress intrinsic and personally satisfying.  Look at your yesterday and note how your today is in a minor way better.

Letting go of others in the comparison process is an effective way to focus on yourself and your journey.  Get rid of the disquieting self-doubt and jealousy that others unhelpfully introduce into your self-improvement challenge.

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(1):  Jordan B. Peterson, 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos, (Penguin Books, 2018)

YOU MISS 100% OF THE SHOTS YOU DON’T MAKE

Wayne Gretzky made the above observation about hockey (and life).  There are many versions of this saying, and they all make the same point: without commitment, risk taking and effort, you will miss out on life’s opportunities..

 Having had the opportunity to observe thousands of university learners, it is rather easy to identify those that are likely to be successful, and those who are less likely to be so.  What distinguishes the achievers is their willingness to be seen and heard, and a keenness to risk being wrong for the reward of being right and learning something extra (getting a goal).  The under-achievers take few risks and seem to actively sabotage their opportunities by apparent indifference and disengagement.  Luckily, most pupils are somewhere in-between, but could easily up their game.

 This shows itself very markedly with regard to student participation in classes.  Many students are fearful of embarrassing themselves with a wrong answer, and convince themselves others will ridicule them.  They miss 100% of the opportunities that interaction affords. 

 Having watched the classroom dynamics for many years, there are two conclusions I note from those that humbly engage: 

Others almost always judge those that engage very compassionately.  There is a calm and real kindness, a silent respect, for that person interacting, as others admire that person putting themselves at risk (and silently thinking, “I would have said that”.

Even more rarely is a response or suggestion completely wrong.  Generally, at least part of what was noted had merit.  More importantly, the act of engagement made the situation feel more inclusive and collaborative.

 Pause for a moment and reflect, when someone speaks, do you judge them harshly or unkindly?  Likely you don’t, unless that person’s ego is large or they are attention seeking.  Taking shots at learning and life opportunities by risking a wrong or stupid answer or idea is the key to critical thinking, progress, promotions and finding your calling.

Provided one is humble and respectful, whether in the classroom or the workplace, putting your ideas and suggestions forward will reward you richly.  And once in a while you will certainly score a goal – so be courageous and take a risk! 

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PLEASE, THANK YOU AND SORRY

I was recently at a meeting where a young parent spoke about one of his prouder parenting moments.  He glowed as he noted that his two and three year old children said “Please” and “Thank you” sincerely when the occasion warranted it. 

 Together with “Sorry”, “Please” and “Thank you” are some of the words that we would all would like to hear spoken more often in society.   Saying please, thank you and sorry graciously, unconditionally and with sincerity speaks volumes about an individual’s character. These three terms also give us insight into how an individual views their current situation and themselves. We instinctively warm to people who do not think of themselves too highly, and who show proper respect towards the feelings of others.

 Please show respect as it honors the responder and reflects that you are in need and obliged to someone else.  Thank you shows gratitude, one of the attitudes most essential to well-being.  Thank you affirms your helper or donor and opens them up to being helpful in the future.  Unfortunately making mistakes is part of life, such is the human condition.  To say sorry is not license to continue to offend others, but it does start to remedy a hurt.  Saying sorry recognizes that you are aware that you have hurt others and wish to reduce their discomfort.  Sorry also admits your human frailty as you accept responsibility for your shortcomings. Being mindful of possibly being sorry keeps you alert to others and their feelings. 

 Unfortunately there is too little expression of please, thank you and sorry today. Rather, many feel entitled, selfish and indifferent to the plight of others.  Make it your habit to follow the example of those who sincerely, graciously and unconditionally say the magic words, “PLEASE, THANK YOU and SORRY” whenever they fit the situation. 

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THE ASK; PLEASE ATTEMPT LIFE

For several years I was involved in a not-for-profit organization, where fund raising was a continuous challenge and necessity.  What I learned early on about fund raising (internally called revenue development) is that if you never ask donors for funds, you rarely get a donation.  One of the more common replies from potential donors was, “You never asked, so I never gave.”  So we asked and they made a contribution (often sizable) to our cause. 

 Asking can be unsettling and uncomfortable, but it does get results.  Asking certainly works better than not asking.  As Wayne Gretzky said:

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

And so it is with not putting in your request: it won’t happen if you don’t ask.

 Asking, if done sincerely and respectfully, empowers the asker. It reflects your authority and confidence in yourself by admitting you are in need of assistance.  The helper has a skill or resource you are in short supply of, and can feel privileged to be of assistance to you.  Being an asset to someone else enables the helper to actively show compassion and love, a true honour.  Asking is not a sign of weakness; rather an admission that you have limitations and cannot do everything.

 A useful introduction to an ASK request is to openly acknowledge that the other person may have other demands on their time or resources.  Start by saying,  “I know you are busy but were you to have time could you ……”  This shows you are mindful of their agenda and soften the imposition of your need.  This will materially improve the overall effectiveness of your request.

 To make your request more valuable ensure that you express appreciation for the help you received.  Saying “Thank You” makes the asking cycle complete, as it uplifts the other person.  Without an explicit thanks, asking can make the helper feel taken for granted and depreciated rather than appreciated.

  It’s okay to ask, just do it respectfully

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Befriend Your Enemies

Enemies are bad for you as they can easily undermine who you are.

 There are two important messages in this simple line. The loudest one is that the very idea of an ENEMY is bad for your well-being. Enemies consume your attention and energy, and distract you from your chosen path. Enemies invoke feeling of hatred, or wishing harm to another.

 Secondly, enemies can easily undermine who are you. Wishing or imaging vengeance undermines you and eventually this “enemy” captures you.  What is even more unfair is that this “enemy” may be unaware of your disdain, which make you the victim of your own anger, not them. 

 Yes, there are some people who are not my friend and I would not choose to spend extra time with them, but hate them, NEVER.  I describe them as my least (or less) favourite people. Yes, it does says in the Bible to love your neighbor, but it does not say anywhere that you have to like them. Hating and hatred are such strong emotions which are best avoided

 A difficult but useful strategy I use when someone gets classified as my “least favourite person” is to actively mediate (or pray) for their well-being.  Yes, they may have offended me, but I find it easier to hope for their wellness than ponder their misfortune.  Projecting positive emotions on to my offender almost immediately allows me to let go of the offence that hurt me and move on.  Allowing that person or deed to get under my skin starts to define me, which only makes the injury or offence worse.

 So the next time a wrong or offence occurs to you, try to quietly wish the person well and feel compassion, not anger or hate.  It is much wiser to be defined by one’s own measures and choices, rather than be defined by the actions and opinions of others.  The best solution is to be able to define oneself on your own terms.

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WHAT ARE THE LIES YOU BELIEVE?

Unfortunately we are all cursed with at least a few limiting beliefs. 

  I’m NOT good/pretty/smart/strong/young/slim/rich ENOUGH!!

 We firmly cling to these beliefs without questioning their truthfulness, relevance or merit.  Many of these limiting beliefs are lies and mistruths which we nonetheless make true in our lives.  We act out these misconceptions of ourselves until they are realized and we become a more limited version of ourselves.

 These lies which limit our potential have two telling features the words NOT and ENOUGH. Each should be carefully disputed.  Unraveling the likely lies is very empowering.  Many things of interest in life are not black or white.  Perhaps you are not the best at something, or even that great at it, but that does not mean you are therefore terrible or poor: there is lots of scope for being below average, but still okay.  The word ‘enough’ is even more dangerous and potentially damaging.  Who decides what the standard is for a sufficient amount? 

 Carefully address those views of yourself which hold you back.  Are your views of your own ability too low, or your expectations of what is good enough too high?  Yes, eventually you will discover that there are certain skills or attributes that you are not blessed with and should probably not pursue: you cannot excel in everything.  Furthermore, if you have some legitimate limiting beliefs you ought to also have many more valid empowering beliefs.  A major part of my SMALLER CUP perspective is being aware and grateful for your gifts, whilst underplaying the importance or your shortcomings. 

 A rule I have used after taking my personal inventory is:

 Go with my strengths but MANAGE my weaknesses.

 A long time ago I identified and chose to believe in my gifts and abilities, seeking out opportunities to use them proactively and converting these blessings into my calling and employment.   By manage my weaknesses, I mean being mindful of instances where my weaknesses are potentially exposed and either behaving cautiously in that instance, or purposefully avoiding those situations, people and careers.

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RUNNING FASTER or FURTHER?

When you run alone you, you run fast. But when you run together, you run further and more joyfully**. 

 Often going it alone is faster and more convenient, but does it feel better?  Doing things collaboratively can be awkward and slower, but doesn’t it feel more soulful and inclusive?

 Having been a lecturer for over thirty years, one of the most noticeable changes in the classroom culture is the focus on teamwork and co-operation.  Calling one’s colleague a team mate, doing things as groups, seeking out the quiet one, looking for input from many sources – these are just some of the improvements I can see from the more solo learning environment of my youth.  Observing from the outside, I notice a sincere and organic group learning ethos. What an impressive change! 

 I was reading about one of the most challenging sporting events around: the 26.2 mile marathon. This October, Eliud Kipchoge will attempt an amazing feat in London, trying to break the 120 minute barrier. What really struck me was that he was going to have many pace runners who would join him for short stretches and then retire.  This companionship would motivate, calibrate and rejuvenate him.  Clearly, even for marathon running, running together enables you to run more purposefully and joyfully.

 Is life about going faster or further? Is it about being first, or is it about the process as much as the destination? 

 Wellness is a process, not a destination; if you are solely focused on the end result, the actual reward will be short-lived and quickly forgotten.  Remember to err on the side of joyful and savouring experiences over efficiency, rewards or awards.  Seek out opportunities to do things with others.

 **:  Thank you my dear friend Joseph Pereira for this wonderful quote

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HESITATION AND THE FIVE SECOND RULE

Who doesn’t hesitate at least occasionally, if not often?  While in a warm shower, who wants to get out?  A few more minutes in bed?

“I should phone so and so.” “I should start the painting”.  We have all been there a hundred times. Joseph Addison wrote the often quoted line, “He who hesitates is lost,” yet we persist in our inability to move on or engage.

Hesitation is a combination of reluctance, fear and pleasure (short term,) prevailing over wellness (long term).  Hesitation is costly not only in lost time, but more importantly opportunities foregone.

One day I accidentally came across the simplest, most effective and cheapest solution to the hesitation dilemma.  Mel Robbins coined The 5 Second Rule* and my, does it work.  When you are in one of those hesitation situations you simply say,

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1, GO”

and you enact whatever you are delaying, fearful of, or debating.  Get out of the shower, bed, say hello, leave or whatever.  Mel got the idea from watching a rocket launch where they say 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, LIFTOFF and so she launched her own career as a motivational speaker on overcoming hesitation. Why 5 to 1, not 1 to 5?  That is part of the success formula, as counting up has no limit but counting down does hit a limit, and you have no alternative but to go.

I have shared this effective remedy with others and it really works.  Soon you appreciate that over thinking, stopping, and second guessing yourself are just defense strategies to avoid your current situation.  And then you learn that whatever you are reluctant to do was actually not that bad – you just have to get started sometimes – and that is the hardest bit.

I heartily recommend the video link below for more inspiration:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSn-L9IXbOY

5, 4, 3, 2, 1, GO  and click the link above (I dare you).

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THE POWER OF YOUR WILL

Have you noticed that some people have the determination of an ox (as the saying goes), and others give in to the smallest of temptations?   What distinguishes the one from the other is willpower.   Willpower is the power of your will and closely related to patience and deferred or delayed gratification.  Why are some so perseverant and others give in so easily? It doesn’t seem fair.

The psychologist and economist George Ainslie (specializing in drug addiction) visited the issue of willpower and wrote a fascinating book called “Breakdown of Will”.  He made the brilliant observation that willpower and self-control is the art of making the future appear much bigger and therefore more promising than the present or very near moment.  We all know about temptation and the dilemmas it creates in terms of indulging now or waiting; the trades-off between pleasure (short term) and wellness (longer term).

Ainslie used an example to highlight the willpower struggle.  In the distance you see a very tall building (long term goal or reward, well-being) but as you approach the high-rise it is dwarfed by a two story dwelling (short term reward or pleasure) such that the larger structure is obscured.  The willpower, temptation or addiction challenge is to focus on the taller building, even though for the moment it is not visible, and the immediate pay-off is right in front of you.  By being mindful of the larger but delayed reward one can confront temptation with resolve and the power of will.

Many of you may be familiar with the Stanford “marshmallow experiments” by Walter Mischel. In these studies, a child was offered a choice between one small reward immediately or two small rewards if they waited for a short period (approximately 15 minutes). In follow-up studies, the researchers found that children who were able to wait longer for the preferred rewards tended to have better life outcomes, as measured by SAT scores, educational attainment, body mass index (BMI), and other life measures.  Young children with better will power, self-control, patience and deferred gratification skills were handsomely rewarded later in life.

The rewards of stronger willpower are immense; master the power of your will and pass the skill along to the next generation.

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JEALOUSY

In the early ‘90s I travelled about China and learned a curious term the Chinese had for jealousy.  I was told the Chinese sometimes called it “red-eye disease**”. China was in the early stages of its amazing economic transformation, but there were signs already of what economic prosperity could do the social fabric of a country.  Just below the surface lurked envy and jealousy of the more fortunate.  Back then in China having an electric fan, a fridge or a foreign made TV were top of the list of objects most envied and displayed in one’s home.

In the West, a similar phenomenon is rampant and thriving, only here we call envy the “green eyed monster”. Consumerism, materialism, designer brands and the celebrity culture all promote cravings for what one does not have, and a jealousy of those who HAVE IT, whatever it is.  Advertising and social media aim to make us mindful of what is missing in our lives, telling us if we only had “X” then we would be happy.

Mark Twain noted that “comparison is the death of joy,” as the act of comparing generally focuses our minds on what we do not have, rather than what we possess already.  Very likely anyone reading this reflection is in the top 5% or better of the world population in terms of income, possessions, education, health and wealth, and yet we still can desire more, without considering our very good fortune.

The most effective key to well-being is an attitude of gratitude, the very opposite of jealousy.  Rather than having a half full or empty glass, a smaller glass is the best antidote to red-eye disease, and it is free and immune to marketing.

**: 眼红 is a Chinese slang that is used to describe someone who is jealous of another person who is better off than oneself.

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COMPASSION?!?

The idea of compassion has long intrigued me.  When I think of some of the Nobel Peace Prize winners (for example Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, the Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, Malala Yousafzai), I recognize compassion in action but I still do not know how I can be better at being compassionate. 

Looking up compassion in the dictionary (sympathetic consciousness of others' distress, together with a desire to alleviate it [Webster] or sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others [Oxford]) was helpful, but still did not connect with me, as it sounded so abstract. 

Finally, I read the wonderful and inspiring book “The Book of Joy” by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu and the simplest and most concise summary of compassion was provided, being:

Can I help?      or     How can I help?

Now, looking back at the Nobel Peace Prize winners I was able to identify the common theme to their character, a selfless willingness to help others, especially when the odds were stacked against them.

Regularly pondering how you can help others in your community or the world at large is an excellent step forward in practicing compassion. Science has found that compassion is contagious; when one is compassionate, others note the kindness and are also inclined to be equally caring - a ripple effect often expands outwards and multiples.

Compassion is the compliment to gratitude: combining an attitude of gratitude with “How can I help?” will make the world a better place.

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Fake it Till you Make it

I see this regularly when I teach, a students who decided that the subject, instructor and/or university is terrible.  No amount of encouragement or humour will move the learner from this determined belief.  Guess what, from their perspective the results bare out their pre-conceptions, they unhappily labour at the subject matter and end up doing less well and it was all because the subject or whatever was terrible.

Fortunately, I also see others who acknowledge that the subject matter or instructor leaves much to be desired but soldiers on but with a different perspective.  They have decided to reframe the situation and initially pretend that the subject matter or task is intriguing and engaging.  Slowly the course or experience becomes enjoyable and the results are acceptable and worthwhile.

When I am in many encounters I have at least two choices.  First, do I perceive it positively or negatively?  Secondly, how much effort will I have to exert to convince myself that indeed it is a joyful undertaking?  How much faking will it take to convince (fool) myself that this moment and experience is at least okay and perhaps wonderful?

If one waits for evidence to convince oneself that the present moment is grand, it is very likely that most of those moments and NOW will be spent waiting, being less engaged and disappointed.  Consider carefully, if there is no realistic alternative to your present moment.  If there is no Plan B but only the current Plan A, than fake it till you make Plan A awesome or at least bearable.  If there is a Plan B, either take it and actively start faking it that this is ideal or totally drop Plan B and make Plan A your joy present moment.

Research shows that mind over matter, convincing yourself that what is your present moment is ideal is very helpful and does work. Fake it till you make it may initially seek to “fool” you but you may be a fool not to actively try it.

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The Ten Positive Emotions (Part Two)

The last reflection listed the ten positive emotions--joy, gratitude, serenity, hope, pride, love, awe, amusement, interest and inspiration--in the order I have memorized them. [* See below for the more common negative emotions]. The next step is to actively cause, re-frame and remember your experiences through these feelings.  Similarly seeking out opportunities to be in one or several of the positive emotions can be especially powerful.

Two researchers in particular, Marcial Losada and Barbara Frederickson, note that if you increase  the ratio of positive to negative emotions above 3:1, you note  a significant improvement in well-being.  The 3:1 ratio is the tipping point where you begin to flourish rather than languish. Your life seems easier, lighter and more joyful. This ratio is also called the Positivity Ratio.

Positive Emotions 

Negative Emotions

There are two ways to make the Positivity Ratio work for you:  Increase the frequency and depth of positive emotions and/or decrease the occurrence and depth of negative emotions.  Reducing negative emotions is mostly about letting go, moving on and not ruminating on past events, or anticipating or dwelling on future situations to the detriment of the present moment. 

Positive emotions are mostly about being in the present moment.  Framing NOW with one or several of the nine positive emotions, and re-visiting and framing the past through the serenity (or savour) lens generally brings you to a better place.

Please experiment with your positive ratio and make it one of your well-being habits. Perhaps chose one or two of these emotions and filter your day and present moments through them and allow for the elevation or your spirits and sense of well-being.

*:  The eleven most common negative emotions are: Anger, anxiety, annoyance, sadness, guilt, fear, discouragement, despair, apathy, disappointment and frustration

Note, if you would like to assess your Positive Ratio for free go to:

http://www.positiveresonance.com/survey.php?loc=pos

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Less Attachment

One of the core principles of Buddhism is the notion of non-attachment.  Buddhists believe that attachment (clinging onto things) is the root of suffering.  It is hard to disagree that strong attachment to possessions can frequently lead to or increase suffering.  Materialism is hardly the road to well-being.

Recently during the night someone stole my shiny new mountain bike, and my attachment tendencies were tested.  Yes, I fussed about the loss for a few minutes, and then I came to a decision: should I ruminate (attachment) or let go (detachment).  Letting go took the sting out of the loss and made getting on with my day very easy. By noon the sense of loss was gone.

As I reflected on my loss, I had to decide whether I was a janitor or security guard of my belongings and captured by them or someone with a fortunate short term lease.  Borrowing, using, enjoying and letting go is so much more peaceful and less stressful.

Please don’t assume that I do not have an attachment nature and cling to nothing.  No way!  I do appreciate my creature comforts and possessions (travel watch, music, photos) but focus on the joy and gratitude I experience  when using them.  Being attached to fewer things and savouring those fewer things certainly beats accumulating and worrying about your belongings. 

As I thought about the theft more, I took a mental inventory of my possessions that I truly lament were I to forfeit them.  What was left was a few material items of significant sentimental value (but limited market value), and the rest was baggage.  Wonderful memories quickly came to the forefront as my more prized possessions, and these cannot be readily forfeited.  remembering your blessings is an attachment worth cherishing.

Take your own inventory; if the list is too long, consider whether you have become the janitor and watch person and have been captured by your attachments.  Less attachment and more active sharing and gratitude are worthwhile attachments.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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What is Work?

My first bit of common sense or wisdom came to me when I was about ten years old. Its source was from the book by Mark Twain, The Adventure of Tom Sawyer. Tom was being punished by having to white wash paint a fence (you may also know the story). Tom was not keen about his assignment so he thought, “How can I turn this task from work to play and perhaps even make a profit?” 

What Tom did was to start painting the fence with joy and excitement.  His friends quickly observed his enthusiasm and asked if they could join in and do some painting.  Soon he was selling the privilege of painting the fence and only stopped when he ran out of paint.  This story has many themes, but the theme of the story as I was taught it many years ago was:

What is work?  It is what you don’t like doing.  What is play? 

It is what you enjoy doing.  Get paid to play.

That simple insight I learned at age ten changed me forever. I never forgot it, even after over 50 years of employment.  From that moment on I decided to NEVER GO TO WORK!! And you know what, I (almost) never have. My entire career (with the exception of about 3 years) I have been paid to play.  I was able to CONVINCE MYSELF that whatever I was doing was playful and joyful.   Now I must admit sometimes that having to convince myself that what I was doing was playful was a stretch, but I diligently and consciously made the effort to see situations in that light. 

The worst case solution was to ponder how the “work” situation was a learning platform and plan my escape; the normal response was to eagerly try to be my absolute best at it and speculate how it could be done better.  For repetitive tasks, analyzing them carefully was always an opportunity for improvement, even though the only one who would notice the improvement was myself. I turn my trade into an art form and forever looked for the smallest of tweaks and quirks to make the output something I had total personal pride in.  The point is, if what you are doing is play, then playing harder and better is always self-satisfying and motivating.

 Perhaps if your work is less than playful, than you could re-engineer your perspective and find some aspect of your tasks that you enjoy somewhat, and focus on how to make that aspect more central and playful.

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