RESTORYING YOUR STORY

Our past is a marvelous collection of experiences and serendipitous coincidences.  However, within this collage are about 30 minutes in my life that went rather badly and seem to crowd out too much of my joy.  There are times in my past where a joke, self-introduction, lecture or chance encounter went pear-shaped, and more than a few times when I lost my temper and spoke when I should have kept quiet.  I have ruminated about these mishaps endlessly.  In each of these cases, it is deep embarrassment, disappointment and regret that I feel. 

Recently I decided “enough was enough”. I needed to  let go and forgive myself these missteps.  I decided to restory my story, to tell my story differently and compassionately, especially to myself. 

I decided to stop repeating the “What if” drama.  This was essential: what has been done cannot be undone, so ruminating is pointless and unhelpful.  Next, I decided to put my mistake into context and consider it as a learning opportunity.  As each of these stories was largely the result of inexperience, youth, impatience or an experiment gone badly. I decided to enjoy the story as an example of growing up and one of those rites of passage.  Each of these episodes was an example of growing up, taking risks and/or letting my enthusiasm get in the way of being more prudent.  And if there is an apology that can be made, it has been done.

Restorying is part revising and re-writing history, but more importantly, it is owning your mistakes, feeling remorse and letting go.  I now can share these faux pas and smile, especially to myself.  There are some life lessons that need to be learned the hard way.  If I could apply the erase test and forever erase these stories, I likely would not be where I am today, and other mishaps would have replaced these events.  But I rather like where I am now, so it all worked out.

What is the point of restorying?  Own your story, consider it a learning opportunity, remember the life lesson it taught you and tell it to yourself in a gentle and forgiving way.  And then let go of the sadness and remorse that comes with that story, smile and more on.  Also remember, 30 minutes in a lifetime is rather short relative to the big picture and duration of the rest of our life.

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KINDNESS

What do you imagine to be the most important quality that women and men seek in a sustained relationship? David Buss tested over 10,000 people from 37 different cultures and concluded that consistently the most important attribute was kindness.*  Whereas this conclusion may not be surprising, it certainly is reassuring.  Kindness is  powerful and universally appreciated. It is valued in all our relationships and interactions.

In all our hurrying about, do we spend enough time being kind?  Do we speculate what random or deliberate acts of kindness we might do to improve another’s day?  The word LOVE is sung and wrote about, but is that really what the world needs more of?  Yes, love is wonderful, but how about just being and acting in a kind and thoughtful way?

Kindness is an action word; it is something one actually does (or does not do).  Kindness can be seen and explicitly experienced by others.  Acting kindly requires one to think about or imagine someone else’s situation and directly engage with satisfying that request.  Kindness and thoughtfulness are a team, with thoughtfulness starting the process.

Mindfully being kind has strong synergy: not only do you make some else’s moment better, but it also lifts your spirits, and the opportunities for kindness are almost infinite. Simple actions like being courteous, generous, helpful  or differential are the sparks that start the kindness cycle.  Others do note these actions if they are done in an authentic and selfless manner.  The more random and anonymous these acts of kindness are, the more it improves your wellbeing and joy in that moment.

We as a species are described as mankind.  Let’s release our kindness and live up to our name and calling.  Please be kind (and tolerant).

 Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*:          Buss, David M. 1989. “Sex Differences in Human Mate Preferences.” Behavioral and Brain Sciences

WHEN PREPARATION MEETS OPPORTUNITY

Some people just seem to be so lucky or blessed.  Life just seems to go their way. Why so??  Why not me?

One views suggests that luck is passive, random and largely beyond one’s control. Good things might happen to me, but I do not cause them to happen.  Another view is that luck is less random and is often caused or encouraged by mindful intervention.

Steven Leacock has said, “I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more of it I have.” I think that being lucky in life largely occurs when preparation meets opportunity.

One can significantly increase one’s likelihood of good fortune in life by consciously maturing skills and attitudes that are useful in one’s line of work. Putting yourself at risk and exposing yourself to opportunity is also a major factor. So many people miss out on opportunities because they do not put themselves forward, often from the mistaken belief that they are not good enough.

 For your career or calling, start by learning your craft and developing your skills, observing closely the rules of the game in your profession and identifying influencers or key players in that area.  Start walking the walk and talking the talk. Be authentic and focused, but also be realistic. Unrealistic hopes are bound to disappoint; but realistic aspirations, deliberately planned, seem to yield “luckier” outcomes. This is the preparation part.

Next, start looking for those opportunities.  Put yourself at risk and expose yourself to situations where opportunities related to your calling or aspirations are present. Cause opportunity by going outside your comfort zone and try networking beyond your traditional circle of acquaintances. Invest some of your leisure time to researching in detail the more complex aspects of your goal.

An important ingredient of luck is to be in the right place at the right time, with the requisite skills.  Strategically do your preparation and imagine not only your next move, but your next several moves – having a plan doesn’t mean it will succeed, but it must be better than having no plan at all. It is no coincidence that those who work harder and smarter seem to be luckier. And once the ball starts rolling, luck seems to multiply and flow more easily.

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W.E.I.R.D.*

Being tolerant and inclusive is one of the hallmarks of wellbeing.  Yet, I must admit that I often find it hard to understand and appreciate how others could hold such different views and opinions to myself.  When I read in the news of events in Asia, Africa and South America it is often so foreign to what I think is proper and acceptable.  I wonder how these strangers could accept or tolerate such challenging circumstances.  I speculate that I would stand up and oppose their situation.

Then I learned about how you and I are likely very WEIRD.  WEIRD stands for:

Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich and Democratic

We see the world though our WEIRD lens and imagine that others are unusual.  However, when you look at the data, us WEIRD folks are at best only 12% of the world population and therefore more the exception than the rule.  Over 90% of the psychological and behavioural research is conducted on our small sample population. How we perceive and judge others is significantly influenced by our abnormal (and we imagine fortunate) set of circumstances.  From these findings, we extrapolate to generalize about how others might react to a given situation. 

Acknowledging that where I am coming from is exceptional is very sobering.  Each of these five variables is extremely powerful in shaping my world view.  Take any one of these identifiers away  and my situation and view of normal or fair is turned upside-down.  Judging others and their sense of fairness is very exclusive and elite.  So much of our WEIRDness is hard wired into our world view.

Being tolerate and inclusive is immensely challenging but essential to our wellness.  I suggest that the solution is not to abandon our unique bounty but rather to let go of judging others based on our perceptions and values.  We should carefully consider whether it is our WEIRDness that is driving our judgements. 

Life is wonderfully complex. Maybe we are in the minority and wrong.  Consider carefully your own biases before jumping to conclusions or judging others choices.

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*: Ara Norenzayan et al, The weirdest people in the world? , Behavioural and Brain Science (2010)

CONFIDENCE

Having coached learners for several decades, one essential skill I especially focused on was confidence.  I suggested that without feeling and acting confidently in an exam (or real life) situation, the candidate was certain to do less well.  Confidence gives us the courage to believe we know what we are talking about, avoid second-guessing ourselves and proudly show what we know.  Turns out there is curious science to support my advice.

Susan Kruger* notes that when we receive information it travels up our spinal cord towards the neural networks of the brain.  The first part of the brain to get the information is our emotional centre, which considers whether the stimuli pose a threat to our safety.  If the brain perceives any danger, then it diverts energy from the rest of the brain to address the challenge.  And this of course is the fight-or-flight response we are all hardwired with.  The fast thinking reflex does not distinguish between physical or emotional risks, it just automatically kicks in.  Whereas this reflex can save our life, it also undermines our ability to learn.  This energy we are hoarding to address the hazard creates obstructions  and takes resources from fully engaging in the learning experience. Put into a learning context, being fearful or anxious while trying to learn significantly reduces our learning effectiveness as we are in resistance mode and not much is being absorbed.  To prevail over the fight-or-flight habit, confidence is the best defense.  Replacing fear with curiosity, intrigue or awe opens the brain to accept, process and understand new knowledge, and begin to learn.  Confidence is gentle as it disarms our brain. Confidence also reinforces the learning process.  As new knowledge is acquired, we begin to comfortably believe we know it and longer term understanding occurs.

Looking at confidence in our Covid-19 world can also be helpful.   Anxiety and fearfulness  seem to be everywhere and spreading rapidly.  Confidence and hopefulness is not a vaccine against the virus, but is it a useful remedy to otherwise being in state of perpetual fight-or-flight panic.  Confidence means stepping back, before trying to unscramble the catalogue of alarming news, then figuring out what really relates to us  and what we can pro-actively do to calm our spirits.  Confidence is about taking control of our situation, understanding the complex trade-offs that we must make in our weird Covid world.  Confidence boosts our spirit, a powerful  anti-dote to the prevailing mood.

Cultivate and mature your confidence, it will reward you in so many ways.

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

*: As described in "The Science of Self-Learning: How to Teach Yourself Anything” by Peter Hollins

COMPASSION

What an interesting word “compassion” is.  Is compassion the same as empathy, sympathy, or subtly different?  Are they synonyms?  Like shades of any colour, these three emotions are close.  I would suggest that compassion is a richer and more vivid colour.

A good place to start would be with definitions:

Compassion: a deep sympathy for the sorrows of others, with an urge to alleviate their pain.

Empathy:  ability to imagine oneself in the condition of another, a vicarious participation in another’s emotions.

Sympathy: a general kinship with another’s feelings, no matter of what kind. *

So what?  Maybe a lot, maybe a little.  What I note is that the term empathy seems to be the most common of these emotions.  Is this because empathy best describes the feeling, or do we mean compassion? 

The psychologist Paul Bloom** carefully analysed empathy and suggests that society would be better served with rational compassion.   He notes that empathy (and sympathy), are kind, but is it helpful for the person in grief?  Both are passive and immediate, but are they concerned with solving the underlying challenge? Both focus on a specific instance or person (which he called the spotlight effect), but too often do not engage with the complexity of a situation, or with the larger community of others in similar conditions.

So, what does Paul Bloom suggest?  One should step back from the immediate situation, look at the larger set of circumstances, and carefully consider any uncomfortable trade-offs that may be required to address the troubling dilemma. Compassion is about alleviating a pain, which is more than feeling sorry. He encourages compassion for the larger community in similar situations, rather than dwelling on the specific individual.   Compassion is about solving challenging problems rather than focusing on symptoms and quick fixes.

Compassion is effortful and uncomfortable.  It is about asking difficult questions, saying NO and rationing scarce resources, be they emotional, spiritual or financial.  But, in the longer run, compassion does more for mankind because it solves future difficulties that we will not hear about because they are gone.  Which may just be the real point.

Reflection Source: www.Smalmercup.org

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

 *:  The Free Dictionary by Farlex

**: Paul Bloom, Against Empathy, the Case for Rational Compassion

UNHELPFUL ATTITUDES

I can remember being in my early twenties and proudly cynical and sarcastic.  It was pompous youthfulness on display.  The more contrary and mocking I was of the present situation, the wiser I felt.  What a youthful fool I was. Somewhere in my thirties I let go of these unhelpful attitudes, but secretly held onto many of their related  judgemental perspectives.  And finally, after far too much mocking and a false sense of self-righteousness, I realized I was raining on my own parade.  Can you relate to this rite of passage?

Letting go of being cynical and sarcastic is not that hard, but to stop being judgemental is a real challenge.  I struggle with a tendency to judge others as though I have all the right questions and answers.  What is especially noteworthy is that being judgemental bring no joy or wellness to myself or anyone else.  Rather it fuels anger and pride, sowing division and intolerance instead.  I notice that with all the increased tension, frustration, anxiety and impatience because of Covid (and Trump), our judgemental nature is only becoming more pronounced and outspoken.  Scary times!!

So where to start to become less judgemental? How about admitting to oneself that being judgemental is an unhelpful and destructive habit.  Next, let go where you can, stop vocally labelling certain people or views as “stupid”.  Silencing your public judgement will quiet your inner whisper.  Accept the fact that you do not know all the facts about the situation.  Start imagining that you may be wrong, and others are right.  And finally, admit that your opinion generally really does not matter much (except at election time).

Unhelpful attitudes that started with being cynical and sarcastic, and matured into being self-righteous and judgemental, get no one anywhere.  Try reframing these attitudes with tolerance, inclusiveness, compassion and patience.  You will feel much better thereafter.

Reflection Source: www.Smalmercup.org

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

POST-TRUTH

Truth is the quality or state of being true. Wikipedia adds ‘of being in accord with fact or reality’.

What is especially unsettling is the suggestion that we now live in a post-truth society, where truth does not matter or matters less. Now, emotions and personal beliefs can trump what was previously considered to be either true or false.  Post-truth views deliberately confuse opinions and facts.  By cherry picking facts and statistics, fantasy becomes reality, and truth and respect optional.  Worse, those that disagree with us become our opponents and we, the rightful victors of justice and whatever, are right and true.  Somehow this does not sound like a situation with a happy or positive ending.

But what does this have to do with wellness?  A lot!!  The more the post-truth notion gains hold in society, the less tolerant, compassionate and inclusive we seem to have become.  Identity politics has become more accepted.  Identity politics considers it fair game to cast very negative views on another’s character just because they do not agree with our views or perspectives.  Rather than being inclusive and tolerant of those that differ on matters of opinion, those that disagree are often described in unkind terms and held in distain.

Two central hallmarks of a liberal democracy are the encouragement of differing points of view, and the tolerance of these differences.  By a process of debate, over time, society evolves and improves.  But central to this evolution is respect for the truth and opportunities for society to learn and change. But that takes time and patience..

Perhaps it is Covid, politics, social (not physical) distancing or whatever, but I have noticed recently in the media and on the streets a reduction in civility and inclusiveness.  Post-truth judgementalism seems to have undermined some of the kindness and compassion we feel for others; a slippery slope to go down.

I pray that in 2021 truth returns to take centre stage and with it brings respect and patience for those we disagree with.  May opinions be accepted as opinions and not as facts. That is certainly one of my new year’s aspirations.  I know this tolerance will significantly enhance my wellbeing and joy in 2021.

Reflection Source: www.Smalmercup.org

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

WHAT HAVE I LEARNED IN 2020?

After fifty-one reflections, it might be timely to consider how my smaller cup has changed – what have I learned?  In a word, PATIENCE.  Being patient is such an important quality which expresses itself in so many ways.  Through patience I am learning:

·         To let go of what might have been, and to be joyful in what is.

·         To consciously re-frame my present moment to have a (more) positive perspective.

·         To get through less exciting days, have a smaller cup that grows and is reasonably full.

·         To be a human being not a human doing.  This is helpful to your well-being - seek to be in the present moment more and avoid multi-tasking wherever possible.

·         To be kind, compassionate and generous to others. That richly rewards my spirits, as well as helping others.

·         To savour, using much freer time to remember fond memories. This made my today’s better and inspired my dreams for a better tomorrow.

·         To prefer tele-scoping and looking forward with promise and wonder, over micro-scoping inward, with a sense of remiss and regret.

·         To use explanatory words that are hopeful, glorious, grateful and modestly proud.

·         To remind myself that desserts is stressed spelt backwards. I need to put more sweetness into my present moment.

·         To be an optimalist (where good enough is excellent) rather than a perfectionist (where only excellence is good enough).

·         If I always give, I will always have.

·         To be careful what I focus on. Not watching the news before going to bed materially improved my dreamscape.

The challenge for next year is to keep applying these lessons, and to make the most of all my opportunities in 2021 (as I have waited a long time for them).

And similarly you might wonder how your well-being journey has changed – what have you learned?  Rather than a New Year’s resolution, do a last year’s self-reflection, and be grateful for how the last year may have changed your perspectives.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

RULES

I have never been a big fan or follower of rules.  Perhaps it is because I grew up in the rebellious late 60’s, or because I was a middle child trying to carve my own destiny.  However, in another way, I am an absolute subscriber to rules, subject to three constraints being:

First, there are not very many (maximum twenty);

Second, the rules are robust and based on strong first principles;

Third, although the rules may have their basis in the Bible, law or other wisdoms,  I have personally applied them to myself and made them MY INTERNALIZED RULES.

So, what do rules have to do with wellness?  A lot.  Rules can reduce what is called ego depletion.

   Ego depletion refers to the idea that self-control or willpower draws upon a limited pool of mental resources that can be used up.  When the energy for mental activity is low, self-control is typically impaired, which would be considered a state of ego depletion.” *

Temptations of all sorts are everywhere.  Being honest can be very challenging.  Dan Ariely wrote an insightful book on honesty.**   Based on his research, he noted  we are almost naturally inclined to being less than totally honest.  We have all sorts of irrational justifications for cheating.  He had few remedies to our cheating frailty other than rules,  which he followed almost unquestionably. 

Why do rules work?  They counter ego depletion; rather than debating the pros and cons of a choice, we automatically follow the rule and act accordingly.  Rules counter going down the slippery slope of saying YES and not knowing when or how to say NO.  I was raised with the Ten Commandments hardwired into my brain (my first ten rules) and that has made making better choices so much easier.  Rules free up a lot of wellness space, as ego depletion is significantly reduced. Rules provide borders if thoughtfully designed. 

Most rules are short and based on your values (don’t steal, show fidelity, avoid jealousy, etc), The challenge is to know what YOUR RULES ARE and WHY THEY MATTER AND DEFINE YOU.  It is amazing how empowering these personal rules can be. 

What are your rules?  If a young adult asked you what your life rules were,  could you readily list them?  Rules can significantly improve our wellbeing.  

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

*: Wikipedia

**: The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty, Dan Ariely

INTERPERSONAL CONTACT

Often, I wonder how we, as humans, can come to such different conclusions when considering some of the important challenges facing us.  Whatever the issue: the environment, politics, race relations, sexuality, or religion, the differences and nuances of opinion can be myriad.  As a society, are we getting less tolerant of those who disagree with or differ from our own viewpoints?  Do we even know or strive to really understand what makes others take such radically opposing views to ourselves anymore, or do we just seek out those who agree with our standpoints?

We can all harbour prejudices or negative stereotypes towards those who disagree with us.  I do not like this conclusion, but I must accept it has some merit.  So how can I turn this situation around?

Two psychologists* completed a meta-analytic study on prejudice by reviewing the finding of over 500 studies, involving 250,000 participants in over 35 countries.  They came to an obvious but powerful conclusion.  Simply put,  interpersonal contact is one of the most effective ways to reduce prejudice. I found this finding very consoling and helpful.  Those troubling concerns I noted earlier are largely because I have no real contact with those with views or backgrounds different from my own and consequently, I form stereotypes which are often unhelpful or unkind.

It is problematic that I have too much contact with like-minded, socio-economic, ethnically similar people.  I must remember that we are a small minority of mankind.  Social media, news organizations and our own busy schedules can easily make it convenient to form associations of friends that are exclusive and insular. 

I must challenge myself to make more contact with  those who are different from me.  I must try to deliberately be more inclusive and tolerant.  I must accept the fact that others have a natural and legitimate prejudice against me, because they do not any have contact with me. 

Acknowledging and accepting that I have a natural but unhelpful tendency to be prejudiced is a good place to start in terms of turning this situation around.

*: T. Pettigrew and L. Tropp,  Does Intergroup Contact Reduce Prejudice? Meta-Analytic Finding, 2008

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THE FIRST THOUSAND-YEAR-OLD HUMAN

I recently listened to a futuristic TEDx talk by Aubrey De Grey*.  He suggested that the first thousand-year-old human has already been born! He was excited and enthusiastic that the science was there to make it all come together soon…  the aging process could be stalled, and cell regeneration and other remedies started instead.  He seemed to imply that longevity was the ultimate holy grail for the all science, the goal of life itself.

My reaction was one of feeling troubled, but also rather pleased that I was likely to escape a 1,000 (or even 100) year fate.  I am older and very content to be nearing my best before date.  To imagine that the point or goal of my life is to live for an extremely long time is to misstate or misunderstand my personal raison d’etre; nothing is  further from the truth.

Is the meaning of life to merely live the longest, or is it to live a good life? Is the solution to mortality immortality?  Is being finite better than being infinite?  We are blessed with mortal and finite limitations, but it is our potential while in the finite stage that most inspires me.

Does living for longer necessarily enhance the overall quality of life? My personal guess is mine would be materially reduced.  If I had that much time, where would purpose fit in? Why concern oneself with living purposefully when there is always tomorrow?  Knowing I am mortal focuses my attention on making the most of my limited time on earth.  Take purpose  away from me and I might as well play with my smart phone ten hours a day and top that off with several hours of Netflix.  Longevity is not in opposition to purpose, but it could readily take away its importance. Time has a wonderful way of clarifying one’s attention.

I would rather live deliberately and purposefully, and experience the richness and awe of life, than be in some contest as to who can outlive others without purpose.  As I get older, the notion of purpose becomes more urgent, precisely because there is an end in sight. 

Many of you may disagree with me and that is wonderful. Please  consider how central purpose is to your life and live/plan your finite life accordingly.

*: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvWtSUdOWVI

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COMPETE OR COMPLETE

I have taught business in a university environment for over thirty-five years.  Over these years I note that the favour and focus of  learners,  society  and faculty has changed.  Sadly, it seems business has become overly focused on profit, market share, WINNING and a blind faith that the marketplace should decide what is proper, moral or constructive.   In the early  ‘80’s, business and financial matters received far less media attention.  Not so today: financial concerns seem to justify too much of what society values and measures.   Is there a better way to be financially and socially successful?

John C. Maxwell* suggested a change in our financial mindset from competing to completing.  Maxwell describes the competing attitude as focusing on WIN-LOSE, excluding others, scarcity, selfishness and zero sum.  A completing attitude values WIN-WIN, including others, abundance, selflessness and growth.

Yes, the competing perspective has significantly improved our standard of living.  However, a phenomena called the ‘Easterlin paradox’ notes that over the past fifty years or more, per capital income adjusted for inflations has more than doubled, but measures of personal happiness in the West have remained constant at 30%, meaning that about 30% of the population continues to describe themselves as happy.** 

The most rewarding aspect of the completing mindset is that it brings joy, gratitude and serenity to us and others.  You may be a little less wealthy, but you feel so much healthier and more connected to others.

After all this improvement in our material wealth it seems like it is time to shift to a completing, cooperative and collaborative perspective.  Competition and our current capitalist model needs to become more inclusive.  The issues of climate change, inequity and intolerance are not topics that competing seems designed to resolve in a timely manner.

Consider replacing WIN-LOSE challenges to WIN-WIN opportunities, and we will all be better off. 

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:  Leadershift by John C.Maxwell

**: Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth by Ed Diener, Robert Biswas-Diener

10,000 INFLUENCES

In ourselves, we can be both very influential and very influenced.  According to  sociologists, even the most isolated individual will influence 10,000 other people during his or her lifetime!*  We are in turn significantly influenced, on average, by at least 25 colleagues, 14 family members and 150 friends and associates over a lifetime.**  That is  a lot of influence going around!  Put another way, we are all rather influential and impressionable.

Being able to influence well over 10,000 others, to me, is an awesome opportunity to make a positive difference in the lives of others.  The example we set by what we do (and don’t do) impacts greatly on others.  In the smallest of ways, both privately and publicly, we should try to set a good example by living uplifting and constructive lives.  Younger folks are watching and noting accordingly.  What values do you find most central and essential to who you are?  Do you actively promote and reinforce these qualities within your circle of influence?  Would others know that these attributes are central to your identity?

Being significantly influenced by about 200 others seems reasonable to me.  I would suggest that about 20 people influenced most of who and what I became, without any one of them I would be a different person.  These 20 had faith in me, were excellent role models, were kind and patient, mentored and monitored me along the way and opened doors.  The next 180 keep me on my path, encouraged me and taught me the finer skills of life.  A limited few were examples of what not to do, especially useful in its own way.

I recently sent a sincere thank you to one of my key enablers, something I would truly recommend.

Being influenced by so many should make us mindful of the company and influencers we associate with or follow.  Role models matter.  On the influential side, perhaps there are some younger folk you could potentially mentor. 

Overall, consider the influences on your own life, and see if you can make these relationships more constructive and effective.

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: Developing the Leader within you 2.0  by John C. Maxwell

**: https://blog.adioma.com/counting-the-people-you-impact-infographic/

SELF-DISCIPLINE*

I cannot imagine a career that does not have annoying aspects, which we find disdainful.  For instance, the Rolling Stones love playing live, but they dislike touring about.  Even the most fortunate and wonderful job has its Achilles heel.  And it is those  negative aspects that can make or break you.

I can attest that in education I have never heard anyone suggest for even a moment that they enjoy marking, but it must be done. And how most of my colleagues delayed and dreaded the grading ordeal! However, I managed to get my marking done quickly and less painfully using self-discipline to make the task more bearable.  What I did for the marking process is transferable to whatever aspect of your job you must regularly do, and especially dislike and procrastinate over.

An essential first step is to plan and design the exam to avoid the mis-steps and reduce the annoying aspects of the subsequent marking.  I focused on maximum efficiency and effectiveness by carefully engineering the exam so subsequent marking was easier and quicker.  As it is wisely said, a  stitch in time saves nine.

Next comes setting goals to motivate and monitor my progress.  These goals MUST BE: small, easily measurable, sequential, frequently achieved and not overly ambitious.  These baby step goals are fundamental and ensure that I regularly experience the joy of successfully completing something. 

Further, as the goals can be measured, I can monitor my progress and that I am getting closer to completion.  I schedule celebrating my micro-completion progress with time outs and rewards. I might swap my focus to a part of the marking project that is essential but agrees with me more as a time out.  Being able to benchmark my progress is motivating and I notice that my endurance improves once I am nearer completion and I can sprint to the finish once it is in sight. Rather than fighting with and procrastinating over the marking project, I must trick my mind and willpower to cooperate and collaborate with each other.  

For me, self-discipline means I must regularly experience pleasure, a sense of achievement and then reward myself for a job well done. This discipline certainly made my overall job satisfaction much higher. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:  Whereas I used this process for years, it was consoling that the following book scientifically supported my process:  "Neuro-Discipline: Everyday Neuroscience for Self-Discipline, Focus, and Defeating Your Brain’s Impulsive and Distracted Nature" by Peter Hollins

PROCRASTINATION

Being recently retired and having an abundance of time, I often find myself procrastinating far too much.  Add to this three month of lockdown and it is especially disappointing how little I can achieve in a day (or week).  This is affecting my sense of well-being.  Perhaps you can relate to my lethargy.   

Not surprisingly, there is lots of advice out there about how to be more productive and overcome waning self-determination.  Being a numbers person, I especially liked these two strategies to up my game:

The first strategy is “The 5 Second Rule”* popularized by Mel Robbins.  This simple rule is that when you have an impulse to do something, you have five seconds to act upon the urge before your sub-conscious highjacks your plan and you start to delay. Before you know it, nothing happens.  Whether it is getting out of bed and not hitting the snooze (for the second or third time), sending that email or completing that task the strategy is to Count backwards five, four, three, two, one, GO (or before) and act.  Don’t hesitate and start coming up with excuses to delay.

The second suggestion is called the 10-10-10 rule.**  The next time you are procrastinating, ask yourself how you will feel in 10 minutes, 10 hours and 10 days if you do (or don’t do) whatever it is you are stalling on.  At the very least, if you do something that nagging feeling will be gone, and more likely that step in the right direction will make you day better.

The reason both these strategies work is because the brain has three imperatives (that we must defeat):

-         The brain is locked in an epic battle with itself, between the instinct for the quickest reaction (emotion) and the most optimal reaction (logic).

-         The brain wants as much pleasure as possible, as fast as possible; an absence of pain and discomfort will also do in most cases. Speed is of the essence for the brain.

-         The brain never wants to sacrifice anything pleasurable. **

To be more productive we must slow the brain down, add logic and reason to the situation and sacrifice immediate pleasure for greater purpose later.  Put another way, we must trick the brain into believing the future will be bigger and better than our natural instincts assume. Or follow the Nike suggestion, and JUST DO IT!!

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:  "The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage" by Mel Robbins 

**:  "Neuro-Discipline: Everyday Neuroscience for Self-Discipline, Focus, and Defeating Your Brain’s Impulsive and Distracted Nature" by Peter Hollins

PHYSICAL DISTANCING

To me, somewhere along the way, the Covid safety message got lost in translation.  Keeping physical space between households was a wise strategy, but when this became known as ‘social distancing’ something tragic started to happen to our wellbeing and the wellness of others.  Before you knew it, there was a sense of suspicion of others that was emotionally unhelpful. If I may quote the epidemiologist Michael Osterholm:

“I categorically reject the concept of social distancing. It’s physical distancing. I hope we never social distance, ever.”*

What are we told to do when we think we might be in danger from others? Self-isolate!  But wouldn’t something like self-distancing sound kinder and more inclusive? Isn’t the temptation there to feel we are some sort of pariah, and to cut ourselves off from others socially and emotionally too?

Please be clear I do not disagree with the advice of creating space between us, but rather how it is phrased.  Words matter.  Often when I walk about physically separated, I feel that there is an undercurrent of anti-social anger and suspicion brewing amongst some.  Distrust your neighbour, look out for yourself - that person may be dangerous! These views come with so much anxiety and tension attached to them.  A grand strategy for physical health maybe, but extremely unhelpful for mental health and wellbeing.

Covid-19 is a most unfortunate reality.  However, too much focus on the illness and too little focus on wellness leads to increased anxiety, reduced mental health and unleashing an uncomfortable new normal.  Humans by design are social creatures.  We should be doing everything in our power to ensure we have as much contact with others as we can, without that including unlawful physical contact. ALL studies on wellness consider social engagement as an essential ingredient to improved wellbeing and flourishing.

Physical distancing is a respectful, kind and non-judgemental response to our current situation.  Please purge the term SOCIAL DISTANCING from your vocabulary and replace it with the more humane term PHYSICAL DISTANCING.  And increase your social rapport to overcome the remaining distance between us.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:  COVID-19: Straight Answers from Top Epidemiologist Who Predicted the Pandemic, by Dan Buettner, Blue Zones, June 6, 2020. Please follow this link for an excellent science based discussion of  Covid-19: https://shar.es/aHLAoO

MIRROR NEURONS

The British have this wonderful phrase called the “knock on effect” to describe how some chain of event or circumstance can influence later situations.  Our emotional state of mind and actions similarly can have profound positive or negative knock on effects.  And there is science to back up these ripple effects:

Scientists found something called mirror neurons: specialized brain cells that can actually sense and then mimic the feelings, actions, and physical sensations of another person. Let’s say a person is pricked by a needle. The neurons in the pain center of his or her brain will immediately light up, which should come as no surprise. But what is a surprise is that when that same person sees someone else receive a needle prick, this same set of neurons lights up, just as though he himself had been pricked. In other words, he actually feels a hint of the pain of a needle prick, even though he himself hasn’t been touched. 

As we pass through the day, our brains are constantly processing the feelings of the people around us, taking note of the inflection in someone’s voice, the look behind their eyes, the stoop of their shoulders. In fact, the amygdala can read and identify an emotion in another person’s face within 33 milliseconds, and then just as quickly prime us to feel the same.  Once people mimic the physical behaviors tied to these emotions, it causes them to feel the emotion themselves.

Smiling, for instance, tricks your brain into thinking you’re happy, so it starts producing the neurochemicals that actually do make you happy. Scientists call this the facial feedback hypothesis, and it is the basis of the recommendation “fake it till you make it.” While authentic positivity will always trump its faux counterpart, there is significant evidence that changing your behavior first— even your facial expression and posture— can dictate emotional change. *  

So what does this have to do with well-being?  Everything!!  We are both mirroring other’s emotions and actions but can also infuse others with how we are feeling.  Various estimates suggest there are nearly 1,000 people within three degrees of most of us (ignoring Facebook).  We can project our positive emotions and wellness to 1,000 others and improve their lives.  We can be like secondhand smoke and either bring people down or uplift their spirits.

Positive feelings will be mirrored by others and have awesome knock-on effects.   Please pass them on and multiply joy and well-being.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*:  The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology that Fuel Success and Performance at Work  by Shawn Achor 

PERSPECTIVE

The world seems in chaos and confusion, with all the focus on the coronavirus.  What is going on?  Should I stock up on toilet paper and canned goods?  Have I got it already? Yes, I would rather than the coronavirus was not with us, but it is. 

Is panic or pause the better perspective in these troubling times?

I would suggest that panic is the least suitable response, perhaps only appropriate when things truly go off the rails, and perhaps not helpful even then.

Pause would suggest that we carefully research this challenge and start by defining what “bad”, “out-of-control” or “at personal risk of serious health consequences” means statistically and realistically.  What is the probability out of 100 (10,000?) that YOU are at serious risk of death or debilitation?  Pause encourages us to consider the financial costs to ourselves and others if we start to shut down the economy prematurely to manage this health threat.  I know that many individuals will experience financial ruin (bankruptcy), unemployment, delays in their education progress, family trauma and depression.  Anyone directly or indirectly associated with tourism, the service industry or who is part of an international supply chain is at serious economic peril if premature paranoia occurs.   Yes, there is an uncomfortable trade-off between the health and financial consequences when managing this dilemma, but the consequences of over-reacting will be real and profound.  Pause suggests a measured roll-out of our actions to manage this unfortunate situation. Is a few days of flu a reasonable cost if it prevents the economic/ emotional ruin of a friend or a community?

Perspective comes when we consider just how unique and serious the coronavirus really is.  Worldwide as of 19:17 GMT, March 9th,2020 there were 111,817 coronavirus cases, 3,843 deaths and 62,722 recoveries*.  Not great news, but looking at prior years what can we learn?

An estimated 80,000 Americans died of flu and its complications in the winter of 2018, the disease’s highest death toll in at least four decades. The director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Dr. Robert Redfield, revealed the total in an interview Tuesday night with ‘The Associated Press’. In recent years, flu-related deaths have ranged from about 12,000 to — in the worst year — 56,000, according to the CDC….. The 2018 season peaked in early February. It was mostly over by the end of March, although some flu continued to circulate.@

Consider, is this quote good or bad news (as there were 327.2 million Americans in 2018)?  Are we anywhere near these results? I am not suggesting that you behave recklessly as if there was no risk out there, but to wait cautiously as we learn more.  Perspective suggests looking at the big picture, putting things into some scale as in risk per 1,000, weighing the uncomfortable pros and cons and realizing there are consequences, with over-reaction and pessimism not always the best or timely action. Please remain calm, vigilant, and considerate of others. Be tolerant and don’t stockpile any more toilet paper!

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*: www.Worldometers.info

@: ASSOCIATED PRESS, SEPTEMBER 26, 2018

THE CONFIRMATION BIAS

There is too much disagreement, anger and division.  Whether it is Brexit, Donald Trump or climate change, there are such polarized and uncompromising views.  I am right and you are wrong; I am wise and you are foolish and I can prove it.  See, this is what I just read!

Psychologists and economists note that people have a strong and natural inclination to seek out information that confirms their views and dismiss information that contradicts their opinion.   They call it the confirmation bias.  The confirmation bias is the tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms or strengthens one's prior personal beliefs or hypotheses, and overlooks or trivializes whatever contradicts that opinion.  We feel we are right and the evidence supports our conclusion.  The only problem is that someone else holds exactly the opposite view, and was also able to find supporting evidence to support their contrary view. 

This isn’t about fake news, propaganda or mis-truths.  Rather, there are thirty or more facts or half-truths out there and each side’s media picks and chooses those ten facts that suit their narrative and subscribers’ views.  No one wins and the debate gets more heated.  Each side becomes more polarized and refuses to listen or entertain the other’s perspective.  The divisions multiply and actual debate or resolution becomes more difficult and in fact unwelcome.  The only solution seems to be for the other side to admit defeat and repent.

Sounds rather hopeless, but is this not a realistic summary of the views on most complex matters?  Is there a solution?  YES!!

I suggest that to start, one should respectfully listen to those opinions which are contrary to yours and acknowledge that some of their points have merit.  Read media that promotes views that are different from your own so you can appreciate where that other perspective is coming from.   Accept the fact that your view has some negative or problematic features. The hallmark of true and functioning democracy is tolerance, please exercise and be tolerant when differences emerge.  Finally, if you strongly disagree with someone’s’ opinion, that does not mean that person is a bad person.  Branding others with labels like enemy, evil, ignorant or the like because you disagree with them is neither helpful, fair nor kind.

By definition complex issues very rarely have 100% “correct or ideal” solutions.  The reason they are complex is because the trade-off required to resolve these matters is not black and white, but grey.  The ultimate solution is likely in a tight range between 50%   +/-   10%, and you largely agree on most of the aspects of the issue, it is just that in the final balance and solution you may differ with others.

Please let our differences be governed by tolerance, patience, civility, open-mindedness and compassion.  Please lighten up on your confirmation bias.

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