EMOTIONS, SOLUTIONS (OR JUST LISTEN)

Occasionally I ask someone how they are doing and they proceed to tell me about their emotional highs and lows. Sometimes I reply to their struggles by telling them what they should do to solve their situation. The respondent than wonders why I bothered to ask about their feelings. Do you recognize this conversation cycle? 

Many find it useful and therapeutic to talk about their feelings without seeking resolution or input from the listener; they just want to release the stress they are experiencing at that moment. Blowing off some steam seems to improve their well-being and mood. Others, when asked how they are doing are rather private about their feelings, and say little about their turmoil. But when they do open up they are often looking for advice or solutions to their troubles.  

Neither perspective nor orientation is wrong (or right), better (or worse), it is just how you are wired.  The challenge is when personal matters are discussed that these styles of engagement (talking about feelings or seeking solutions) may not line up with the speaker’s preference.  Time to silence your problem solving urges as that may not be what the other person is looking for. 

How do you manage this dilemma?  Listening and not interrupting is essential in all cases; are you hearing lots of emotional adjectives or more situation specific details?  When you reply make sure you use the same type of vocabulary.  Avoid making judgements or premature suggestions, let the person keep on talking and ask questions rather than finishing their sentence or making assumptions.  And now the hard part, especially for the problem solver types – SHUT UP ON THE ADVICE/ SOLUTION STUFF, as generally this is exactly what is not desired or expected.  Likely just talking was useful and the talker feels better.  Note, generally problem solver types are reluctant to talk about their challenges.  It is therefore useful to ask if the person is seeking input or advice or just wants to let off steam, before you go down the solution road.

The constant theme running through this reflection is:  LISTEN CAREFULLY, SAY LITTLE, LET GO OF JUDGEMENT AND ASK IF ADVICE IS USEFUL BEFORE GIVING IT. 

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HELPFUL AND/OR HOPEFUL

One of the essential positive emotions is being hopeful. In the list of ten positive emotions, being hopeful is the only one that is future oriented. The expectation that the future bodes well and is promising is fundamental to joyful well-being.  The aspiration for improvement is what makes life purposeful and meaningful.  Take away one’s hopefulness and life can appear rather bleak.

Another desire is to be helpful and proactive; the sense that effort can make a difference.  Can you personally do anything to improve or implement your hopeful aspirations?

Both hopeful and helpful have antonyms: hopeless and helpless. Both of these are disabling. I have asked people to describe themselves within these parameters.  Age seems to have a bearing on how one classifies oneself.  Older folks (over 50) seem to be generally hopeful and feel empowered to affect their hopefulness.  However, for younger adults hopefulness was in shorter supply and helplessness was not uncommon.  What a despairing revelation!

So how can one get out of this melancholy funk?  Do you start with the helplessness or the hopelessness?  I would start with helplessness.  Without a personal sense that you can make a difference, being hopeful is an impossibility.  It is unlikely that you will be able to solve climate change, but you can make your neighborhood a tidier place, and reduce your climate footprint.  World peace can seem hopelessly idealistic, but in your little way you can be kind and inclusive.  Start small and local.  Make a commitment to honour your word, arrive at the time you agreed, under-promise and over-deliver.  Mindfully practice helpfulness, it will unlock your hopefulness.

And being hopeful?!  Again, think small, setting realistic and immediate goals.  Practice gratitude.  Count your blessings.  Have a SMALLER CUP that is fuller. Let go of comparison (unless it is with your yesterday).  Be charitable. 

If you don’t feel helpful or hopeful, how can you move yourself forward?  Work on your helpfulness, as your well-being depends on it.

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THE GOLDEN RULE PLUS

The Golden Rule wisely states:

Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

This is an excellent guideline, but can this rule become less of a maximum and more of a minimum?  For example, how about:

Do unto others AT LEAST as you would have others do unto you. 

So what? you comment: what is the intended difference?  The basic Golden Rule can occasionally sound like a quid-pro-quod, reciprocity arrangement.  It can feel like a barter arrangement or expectation management process: fair trade which is indeed equitable and useful BUT….. can we do better?

By adding “at least”, the most powerful well-being exercise is enabled, which is kindness or better still, random acts of kindness.  Doing three acts of kindness a week (preferably on the same day) will improve your well-being.  The harder you push the kindness, and the more random and anonymous it is, the more enhancing to your spirits it becomes.

Going the exact mile is easy as the road is rarely crowded.*  The second mile is generally even easier than the first.  The momentum of your kindness is already in play and the rewards for others (and yourself) actually scales up and multiples. As Matthieu Ricard notes, altruism** is one of the defining and highest of human ambitions, enabling wellness and joyfulness.  By adding, AT LEAST to the Golden Rule the bounty of kindness and compassion is brought more clearly into focus and practice.

Being kind or altruistic until it begins to bite or seem inconvenient has the wonderful quality of making our compassion and charity feel special and uplifting.  Practice doing unto others as you would have them do unto you, regularly, and then once in the while, push a little harder or further.  Like any exercise, this extra excursion strengthens your kindness muscles and make you more naturally compassionate.

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*: Wayne Dryer

**: Matthieu Ricard, Altruism, The Science and Psychology of Kindness

DON’T QUIT OR SEND THAT!

Imagine you’ve just had an unfortunate experience and you are very discouraged by it.  You want to quit whatever because at this moment it is just too much.  Or someone did something that really aggravated you and you are fuming with anger.  You write a really angry and poisonous email to vent your frustration.  You seriously think about quitting or sending the email.

Can I make a suggestion which I wish I had followed when I was feeling like that?  DON’T QUIT ON A BAD DAY.  SEND THAT EMAIL TOMORROW, AFTER YOU’VE RE-READ IT AND HAVE COOLED DOWN.

Making serious decisions requires reflection and pause.  These are not fast thinking, spur of the moment reflexes that need an immediate response. Be very mindful that reactions can have significant lingering consequences, as they often cannot be easily reversed.  Once you QUIT or hit SEND that is it.  The dust and fallout will settle where it may, and that may not be a good resting place.

I know it is very difficult to pause at these trying moments, but PAUSE you MUST!  You are emotionally charged and eager to do something, but should you?  Rarely are these trying occasions dangerous or life threatening so there is no urgency to act decisively or firmly.  This is not a LET GO moment, but a CHILL or RE-FRAMING opportunity.

From my experience, not quitting or hitting SEND was a God sent relief.  Things were not as bad as I imagined, it was just my imagination getting ahead of me.  And that email, it could have become a CLM (Career Limiting Move), or required some serious back tracking to get out that mess.

When the going gets weird, re-frame that moment with a big STOP sign.  Have you got the facts straight?  Is your rage helpful or harmful? What will tomorrow look like if I quit or offend that other party? 

I am not suggesting that you give in or accept an unfair situation.  Rather I am clearly suggesting that before you do something extreme you carefully consider if you have a (better) Plan B option. Be careful, you might just get what you ask for!

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THE FIVE MINUTE ETHICS COURSE

I will never forget one particular learning experience:  a student of mine taught me a method to test whether an action was ethical or not, all in under five minutes.  I have experimented with the system he taught me and it seems pretty much bullet proof. 

If you are confronted with an ethical dilemma and your answer is a confident YES TO ALL THREE of these questions, it is highly likely that what you are contemplating IS ETHICAL.  If one answer is a NO, then you are likely offside.

First, apply the Golden Rule Test, which is: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. (Or the Confucian form which is: Don’t do unto others as you would not have others do unto you.)  If someone did what you are considering to you would you be offended, harmed or displeased?  Reciprocity or tit-for-tat is an essential test for much of our behaviour.

Second, the Role Model Test, which is:  If you were a parent would you want your child to do what you are considering?  Would you want to set this action up as an example which your offspring would follow and consider “normal”? Is this the type of role modeling you want to promote?

Third, the Front Page Test, which is: If you had editorial privilege and the entire front page of the newspaper, could you fully explain and justify your action to an objective, informed and diligent reader?  By definition, ethical dilemmas are complex, full of contextual details and awkward trade-offs.  Would a thoughtful and independent observer, after evaluating the full circumstance of your situation, decide in your favour, or at least give you the benefit of the doubt? 

I have shared these tests with many and pondered them, appraising situations I have heard about or experienced through their lens. I would recommend this five minute ethics course as highly effective, and a good primer for life.  It is simple enough to teach young children, and robust enough to guide seasoned professionals.

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HARBOURING VS. LETTING GO OF THE PAST

This site is called Smallercup and suggests you should have a smaller cup to improve your well-being.  But what is in the cup?  The assumption is something positive, but sometimes what we are holding in our cup and our soul is anything but that.

A serious challenge to your well-being is the malice and ill-will you may harbour inside.  A silent but real anger against someone or something will prevents a positive sense of self to emerge.  Someone seriously crossed your bottom lines, or a point-of-view totally violates your sense of right or justice and you are stuck in anger, resentment and poison. Your cup is neither full, empty nor smaller, just disappointed and vengeful!

First, if your cup has any toxins in it, it will be difficult to materially improve your well-being.  Desmond Tutu noted that we “all face the same choice: to forgive or to seek revenge”.  Letting go is not easy, but not letting go of your real and valid misfortunes is going to corrupt your life journey.  Revenge will absolutely get you nowhere other than backwards.

Second, letting go does not mean forgetting, rather it means forgiving the wrong or wrong doer and moving on.  And perhaps even forgiving yourself.

Third, letting go of your wrathful poison will release you from the prison of your past. Obsessing and replaying past transgressions rots you from the inside out.  Unfortunately, you become a prisoner of your past.

Fourth, harbouring negative feelings to specific individuals taints the way you see people generally, how you see the world, and how others see you.  

Five, harbouring disappointment about the past limits your achievements in the present and the future, as it can undermine your confidence and willingness to take risks and chance success.

Six, letting go of those aspects of your past allows for healing and moving forward.

Seven, letting go always allows for resilience to mature.

It is very unlikely there is anyone that does not have moments they wish they could erase from their past, so you are not alone.  Awfulizing, re-playing, second guessing, and harbouring those past moments doesn’t undo the damage. 

However, there is much merit in cognitive behavioral therapy to free you of these matters and help you let go.  PLEASE do see a specialist to help you move on if you are stuck.  

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YOU MISS 100% OF THE SHOTS YOU DON’T MAKE

Wayne Gretzky made the above observation about hockey (and life).  There are many versions of this saying, and they all make the same point: without commitment, risk taking and effort, you will miss out on life’s opportunities..

 Having had the opportunity to observe thousands of university learners, it is rather easy to identify those that are likely to be successful, and those who are less likely to be so.  What distinguishes the achievers is their willingness to be seen and heard, and a keenness to risk being wrong for the reward of being right and learning something extra (getting a goal).  The under-achievers take few risks and seem to actively sabotage their opportunities by apparent indifference and disengagement.  Luckily, most pupils are somewhere in-between, but could easily up their game.

 This shows itself very markedly with regard to student participation in classes.  Many students are fearful of embarrassing themselves with a wrong answer, and convince themselves others will ridicule them.  They miss 100% of the opportunities that interaction affords. 

 Having watched the classroom dynamics for many years, there are two conclusions I note from those that humbly engage: 

Others almost always judge those that engage very compassionately.  There is a calm and real kindness, a silent respect, for that person interacting, as others admire that person putting themselves at risk (and silently thinking, “I would have said that”.

Even more rarely is a response or suggestion completely wrong.  Generally, at least part of what was noted had merit.  More importantly, the act of engagement made the situation feel more inclusive and collaborative.

 Pause for a moment and reflect, when someone speaks, do you judge them harshly or unkindly?  Likely you don’t, unless that person’s ego is large or they are attention seeking.  Taking shots at learning and life opportunities by risking a wrong or stupid answer or idea is the key to critical thinking, progress, promotions and finding your calling.

Provided one is humble and respectful, whether in the classroom or the workplace, putting your ideas and suggestions forward will reward you richly.  And once in a while you will certainly score a goal – so be courageous and take a risk! 

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SUCCESSFUL GIVING AND KINDNESS

Recently I came across three interesting and complementary studies on the benefits of giving and kindness. 

 The first was by Elizabeth Dunn. She noted that there is a virtuous circle: giving improves your well-being, and improvements in your well-being increase your willingness to give in the future. (1)   

 Following up on this idea, Sonja Lyubomirsky found that doing five acts of kindness on a single day, rather than spread out over a week, significantly improves the effectiveness of your actions in terms of making them habit-forming. (2)  The concerted, deliberate and concentrated focus on acts of kindness in a single day, once a week for six weeks, changed the individual positively and built the foundations for sustained wellness.  It is as though there are economies of scale for kindness.

The third finding on giving was the most curious and counter-intuitive.  Adam Grant’s research found that successful givers (givers that can sustain and increase their charitable giving over time) not only cared profoundly about others, but were mindful of how being charitable was in their own self-interest, as it enhanced their own well-being.   They aligned what mattered to them with what would make a difference to those they were giving to.  We might feel that it is somehow wrong to think about ourselves in the context of giving, but it seems not. Grant argues that being other-focused or self-focused aren’t at opposite ends of the same spectrum; they’re different, separate motivations. In fact, it seems that being high on motivation to help others and high on drive to achieve our personal goals is what enables successful givers to give extraordinarily over a sustained period of time.

Grant describes two different types of giver: ‘selfless-givers’ and ‘other-ish givers’. Selfless givers are high on other-interest and low on self-interest. In the longer term, they can pay a price for giving their time, money and energy without regard for their own needs. Other-ish givers are high on both concern for others and on their own self-interest, meaning they can successfully maintain giving over time. Clearly neither is selfish. (3) (4)

Taken together, empirical science strongly suggests that acts of kindness and giving are strongly linked to personal well-being, especially when combined with an attitude of gratitude.  Furthermore, implementing a lifestyle of planned, deliberate and other-ish giving is an effective WIN-WIN approach to personal well-being.

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(1) : Aknin, L. B., Dunn, E. W. & Norton, M. I. (2011). Happiness Runs in a Circular Motion: Evidence for a positive feedback loop between pro-social spending and happiness. Journal of Happiness Studies, 13(2), 347-355

(2) : Lyubomirsky, S., King, L. & Diener, E. (2005). The Benefits of Frequent Positive Affect: Does Happiness Lead to Success? Psychological Bulletin, 131, 803-855

(3) : King, V. (2016). 10 Keys to Happier Living.  Headline Publishing Group

(4) : Grant, A. (2013). Give and Take: A revolutionary approach to success. Hachette UK

KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE BALL

When things get tense in a discussion, we often forget to focus on the most important issues, and get caught up in an emotional or tangential reaction to our situation.  The emotional dimension of a heated discussion overwhelms us and we take our eyes off the ball, especially if things start to get personal. We often pursue an angry and spiteful agenda which sidetracks us away from the major issue, or distracts us for the matter at hand.  Please beware of what is happening at this point.  Getting even overwhelms getting on, when being right and winning seems to be all that matters.

   What I have learned all too well when matters get heated is that I need to step back and ensure I am clear as to what the problem is. So often we all fail to do this. Often I am agreeing with the other person, just in a different way.  Or we almost agree and the differences are small, but we are too emotionally connected and want to win without any compromise.  And most commonly, we differ because we are debating along similar lines, but are actually trying to make completely different points about an issue, and are not actively listening and having a dialogue.

 What should one do when matters get ahead of us and emotions drown out listening?  Go back to the beginning and check whether you and others are looking at the same issue.  Spend some time precisely clarifying the topic or issue: did you really mean that? Did you mean to say?... Look for commonality in the positions you hold. Take time out and call a halt to things to allow for some reflection.

Keeping your eyes on the ball is about clarifying what the PROBLEM is, listening to ensure you are properly understanding the other person’s point of view, and taking time out to review and revisit a discussion that is getting too heated or too personal. 

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FOLLOWERSHIP AND FELLOWSHIP

There is so much discussion and focus on leadership and leadership skills. If one listens to this chatter one might think there was a shortage of able and honourable leaders and a leadership crisis.  If there is a problem, is it at the leader or follower end of the spectrum?  Likely a bit of both, but it might be useful and fair to look at the followership issue.  As in sports, does firing the coach necessarily solve a team’s poor performance for more than a game or two, or are the players the more likely culprit?

 Most of us will forever be followers, and escape the challenge of being a senior leader.  Heads of organizations need to make complex trade-offs, absorb immense information, meet countless people, travel tirelessly and work significantly longer hours than we do. Are we being fair, objective or informed?

 If there are leadership skills, there are also followership skills.  Let’s start with giving the leader the benefit of the doubt: maybe we need to second-guess question them less often.  Let’s appreciate the complexity of the choices and trade-offs that have to be made.  Do we use the same scale when we evaluate our own behaviors?   What about the fact the boss does not have perfect information, and has to make judgement calls and predictions?  Is it reasonable that we have a tendency to assume those in authority as having less moral or ethical character then we have?  Using hindsight to second guess the superior’s decision can be a little harsh. Let’s accept the fact that leaders, like followers, are trying their very best given their natural limitations.

 I am not suggesting that we blindly follow leaders.  Rather it is accepting that often those in authority will make different choices than we might.  Where we disagree, let’s invest the effort to get as informed on the matter as we can, or else hold our fire. 

 Followership is a willingness to give up power for a higher collective good. Being an excellent subordinate is more than team work and collaboration.  It speaks to the notions of letting go of power, independence and finding internal resources to make the process of being led more agreeable.  

 Followership and fellowship share many common themes; that of being cooperative, tolerant, fair minded, inclusive and deferring to others for the good of the larger entity.

 Better followership will lead to improved fellowship (including with the leaders) for those accepting their leaders and their leadership.

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WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU DID SOMETHING FOR THE FIRST TIME?

 Our lives can easily become like a broken record that repeats the same line or verse.  The predictable rituals and routines that make up our days can improve the certainty and efficiency of our efforts, and give a much needed structure to our lives, but this can make get a little boring and repetitive day in, day out.

Maybe it is time to stir things up a bit.  Really, when was the last time you did something for the first time?  Carefully consider the truth and intrigue this question suggests.  Have you become so patterned and regular that you have forgotten to take measured risks or invite change into your life, to boost the excitement and newness of the present moment?  A little change and randomness might just be what you need to revitalize your life.

 Experimenting with even the smallest change, like your journey to work or what you have for breakfast is a good start. The nice thing about such minor adjustments is that it opens you up to being bolder and more engaged in your present moment.  Hopefully you will progress to a state where increased awareness of the NOW becomes more immediate and frequent.  Consciously seeking opportunities to do things for the first time makes you more aware of the wonderful things going on around and about you.  Being too routine in your habits means you often miss the awesome opportunities all around you.

 Making small, incremental improvements that change your life to the better is another way of addressing the doing something for the first time challenge. Particularly adding new acts of kindness, gratitude and/or compassion: these will increase your overall wellness and add variety to your day.

 As the present moment is always new and changing, seize a few of these moments and make them yours, refreshing and unique.

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INTEGRITY AND SELF-ESTEEM

One of the more troubling changes I have noticed in younger adult learners is a serious deficit of self-esteem.  More and more students appear to be overly shy, uncertain and unwilling to proactively engage in their learning and life experiences.  They express limited or negative confidence or satisfaction in themselves or their futures.  Having a low self-image or regard in the early stages of one’s adult journey can significantly undermine one’s future prospects.

"The psychologist Nathaniel Branden, considered the father of the self-esteem movement, recognizes integrity as one of the essential pillars of self-esteem. Research by Branden and others suggests the existence of a self-reinforcing loop between integrity and self-esteem. The more integrity we practice, the more we esteem ourselves; and the more self-esteem we have, the more likely we are to exemplify congruence between our words and our actions.   When I follow up on my commitments—to others or to myself—I am sending others and myself an important message: that my thoughts, my words, and my self matter. My words are an expression of myself, and therefore when I honor my words I am honoring myself.”*

Integrity can be defined as walking your talk; keeping your word and commitments.  If you say you will be there at 11, be there at 11.  If you say you will do something, do it.  Perhaps it sounds trivial, but that is precisely the point of Branden’s research findings.  Keeping even the smallest and simplest of commitments does make you feel better about yourself. A sense of wellness does emerge and grow.  Posed another way, what does not keeping your word say about you or how others interpret you? From my own observations, I do notice that those I associate with higher integrity almost without exception also display higher degrees of self-esteem.

Positive psychologists suggest a simple program of making two or three small pledges to yourself and others, and systematically honouring them.  What quickly emerges is a sense of modest pride (one of the ten positive emotions).  As these commitments become habits, add more ambitious pledges.  Several things will occur; you will feel better about yourself, and others will think the better of you.

Make walking your talk part of who you are.

*: Even Happier: A Gratitude Journal for Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment by Tal Ben-Shahar

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WE ALL KNOW WHAT TO DO BUT …

Jean-Claude Juncker, currently the president of the European Commission, noted about politicians that, “We all know what to do, we just don’t know how to get re-elected after we’ve done it.”  He was speaking about climate change, but I think it is a wise summary of the current populist nature of our political culture and dialogue.  Is getting re-elected more important than doing the right thing?

 Unfortunately, the nature of so many challenging dilemmas that society faces requires making trade-offs which will have BOTH positive and negative consequences for us.  Whether the issue is climate change, migration, health care, re-distribution of income, terrorism, or diversity it may have an effect on OUR PERSONAL prosperity and standard of living. THERE NEVER WAS SUCH A THING AS A FREE LUNCH.  To expect others to bear the costs and you can get a free ride on the benefits of the solution is naïve, short sighted and extremely selfish.

Difficult issues require careful consideration and tolerance of all the parties, both those advantaged and dis-advantaged by the remedy.   There is so much attention given to simple, popular solutions to problems, but do we give proper attention to the complexities and implicit trade-offs imbedded in the public policy dilemmas?  Seeking to realize the immediate benefits of a solution and to tax later generations with the financial and other costs is selfish.  Are we leaving the world a better place for our children and grandchildren or are we eating their lunch? These residual but real consequences should be contemplated now rather than kicked down the road.

Democracy is about more than the majority getting what they want, but also showing respect and accommodation for those on the minority side.  Compromise, respecting and engaging with those we disagree with is a measure of healthy, wellness oriented societies.  Appreciate that policies to address issues will take years or generations to resolve.  Politicians should be afforded some latitude and grace to impose costly short term costs on society for the advantage of later generations.  Climate change is clearly one of those challenges.

Please cut those in difficult leadership roles some slack.  Admire those leaders that make choices that may undermine their re-election prospects.  Likely those are the honourable and noble ones who are actually confronting the hard realities, and not the opportunists.

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PEAK – END RULE

Imagine you had a choice of either:

-         Experiencing a rather unpleasant experience for five minutes, with the worst moments about three minutes into the process,  or

-         Experiencing the same unpleasant five minute ordeal, but with another two minutes added of a slightly less unpleasant but tolerable experience (seven minutes in all).

 Or consider this choice:

-         A one week vacation at an exclusive destination with all the amenities, indulgences, experiences you fancy, or

-         A two week vacation, for the same cost in a nearby destination, which is pretty amazing but not over the top.

 Nobel economist Daniel Kahneman researched these types of options and noted generally that, using the above choices, the longer unpleasant experience or the shorter vacation were the preferred options.  He summarized this research and coined the term PEAK-END RULE. What we REMEMBER is the most intense or peak moment (whether pleasant or unpleasant) and the last moment.  We don’t necessarily forget the other details; we just tend to describe the encounter by the best and last events and overlook much of the other occurrences. If I think back on certain episodes in my life, then it was the best or worst moments and how it finished that I remember and retell.

 This is a rather powerful insight and has influenced my travel style.  I now pay much more attention to the last day of my travel and how I get back home.  I more willingly splurge on doing those things that are unique but can be pricey. I don’t try to stay away longer but now focus on staying away better.

 Managing experiences and CAUSING AND CREATING MEMORIES is an amazing opportunity for a well lived and remembered life.  What you remember can have a powerful positive effect on your well-being.

 Going forward, plan your peak and end experiences deliberately and manage carefully how you finish.  Make it a goal to finish well.  Create wonderful final recollections and reduce disagreeable endings where possible - that is a manageable undertaking, and well worth seizing.

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FIGHT, FLIGHT or ??

We have all heard the saying it is either fight or flight when in a tense situation.  We imagine these are the only two alternatives but fortunately there is a third choice, which is to PAUSE and reflect on the situation.  Certainly, up until about 200 years ago the threats to your person were very real and ever present, so being alert was a good idea.  But today, such risky encounters are rare, so neither fight nor flight may be the right thing to do.

 I have learnt the hard way that the binary nature of fight or flight is not a good idea.  By nature, I tend to opt for fight and let anger get the better of me in a tense situation. I remember many of my angry moments with regret as the penalty can be serious and even career limiting.   Flight was not in my character and the moment overtook me. For others, they regret flight and not standing up to a challenge.

 Then the notion of PAUSE occurred to me.  When things went pear shaped, I took a step back and reflected on what was going on. I considered whether anger or flight were a good idea or whether better still, maybe things were not as I imagined them to be. 

 Indeed, more likely than not it was my imagined view of the situation that was wrong.   Pausing to access the situation often made me realize my assumptions about the facts were incomplete, biased, overly emotional or just plain irrational and self-centered.  Allowing time to reflect and contemplate the consequences of my actions was so timely, but something I did not do in the past.

 In psychology, what I am describing is called cognitive behavioral therapy (or CBT*).  Pausing and deliberately re-framing your reactions into a more thoughtful, objective, less emotional or personalized response certainly takes the sting out of many tense situations.  Pausing lets you find the middle route where you see opportunities for growth, reduced conflict and harmony.

 The pause button is on all videos for good reason, it allows you to freeze the moment.  Hit your pause button (count to ten) when the going starts to get weird and overly emotional, it can save a lot of grief later on in life.

 *:  There is a huge body of research and practice related to CBT, do check it out, especially if you are fight inclined.

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RESILIENCE

Recently I visited a museum which aimed to highlight the living conditions of the local working class population at various time intervals in history – it went back to 1805 and then each subsequent house advanced on another 50 years. What immediately struck me was how primitive and harsh life was back then, and more alarming still, two of the examples were from 1955 and 1985 in the UK.  Some of the examples had no flush toilets, hot running water, central heating, vacuum cleaners, colour TV or many of the other conveniences we assume are necessities today.

 I speculated that life then had as many wonderful and special moments of joy and wellness as we have today.  Then, as now, likely 30% of those living in the UK would have rated their life as very happy (see May 10 Reflection, THE EXCHANGE RATE BETWEEN MONEY AND WELLNESS).  Once the hurdle of serious poverty is overcome, more money does not translate into more wellness. 

As I looked at these simpler environments of earlier generations, I admired the bravery and determination of those bygone years and wondered what the missing link today was?   Resilience and tenacity, I concluded.  Life was tough, creature comforts were limited, but people still got up in the morning with purpose and a smile.

 Unfortunately, today we seem to expect comfort and convenience or else we complain.  Rather than looking inside for purpose we turn to Amazon or the internet for a remedy.  A better prescription would be resilience.  Training one’s resilience occurs when one mindfully adjusts to and positively embraces your current circumstance, especially when it is less than ideal. 

 Being without something you want, savouring the longing and then resolving that you are better without it matures your emotional suppleness and makes you a better person.  Being determined to want less and being grateful for what you have demonstrates what your real needs are.  This focuses your tenacious energy to do what is necessary to achieve your higher goal. 

 Wonderfully, exercising one’s resilience and tenacity is, of itself, empowering, joyful and uplifting.

  Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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GOALS

Yesterday was a rather special day for me, as I achieved a goal I set over thirty years ago.  I do not wish to boast, but yesterday I arrived in the 100th country (Moldova) of my travelling life.  So what?!

 It is about setting goals that are challenging but attainable.  Whereas your longer term goals are likely other than travel, I know there is some very personal mystery or adventure that speaks to you.  You don’t have to justify your mission, but having one certainly adds purpose and meaning to your middle years when life can become rather same-same.

 In 1984, I started to travel with some eagerness and imagined milestones to encourage me to travel to places just a little further away and beyond my then comfort zone.  The first few milestones were timid but achievable; with persistence and planning I overcame them.  Then came the endurance part of putting in the time, resources and resolve to go to countries further afield and off most people’s map and curiosity level.  I matured skills and resilience, as there were many technical and physical challenges in the way of hitting the magic 100.  I learned to minimize my possessions and tolerate many discomforts. I learned where to put my effort and focus, and when to let go and be in the moment.  Eventually an intrepid traveler emerged.

 Perhaps this sounds like an athlete training for a major event or a young person planning their career.  Wonderfully, those training skills for sports and employment also apply to your personal agenda.  But even better, the exercises for achieving your private but real goals have a much longer time span to be realized and can create an immense amount of joy along the way.  Setting goals creates purpose and achievement; the building blocks of well-being. 

 Having a non-financial goal that may take twenty or thirty years to realize creates immense excitement as you plod through the regularity of life.  Fantasizing about the steps to get there and savouring the process sure makes getting up on a dreary Tuesday morning in winter special.

 Please conjure up your own challenging but attainable goal and invest the energy, skills, confidence and time to achieve it.  This purpose is so positive to your well-being.

 PS:  I have set a new goal of 120 countries by 2025.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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CONFIDENCE AND RISK TAKING

Consider a small child learning to do something for the first time: they fail at activities many times over, but they keep persisting until they do it, with encouragement from their parents. As we get older, we gradually become more and more cautious, as each perceived failure eats away at our ability to take risks. If we are not careful, we can end up with a life in which we live totally and only within our comfort zones, never taking any risks at all. Sounds good to you? Well, that kind of life can feel stifling in the end, and lead to later life regrets.

 If you are confident in yourself but do not take risks related to this faith in yourself, this could easily be false confidence.  If you have faith in yourself that you can do something but do not test that ability by doing something challenging (and potentially failing), then that confidence is likely shallow or misplaced.  By taking risks and pushing your given abilities, your confidence and faith in yourself matures.  Your confidence grows as your continue to challenge yourself.

 Confidence and risk taking are two sides of the same coin; they can mutually build up or undermine each other.  If you are confident you should reasonably be more able to do more challenging tasks.  Taking risks and exploring new opportunities to grow increases your abilities and the assurance you have in these skills. Conversely, not testing yourself stalls your improvement and inhibits getting better.  Soon not taking risk becomes the norm and your skills are constrained.

 Risk taking enhances your confidence and confidence can encourages you to take more risk. Managed together you will grow and experience a more complete and purposeful sense of well-being.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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GOOD CRAZY

Everyone has a natural comfort zone, a range of events and behaviours where one feels at peace.  I eat almost the same breakfast every day and watch the news before going to bed most evenings.  These rituals and habits are rather boring, but they work for me. 

 But where is the excitement and now of the moment?  To supplement this static existence I seek out what I call “GOOD CRAZY”.  Good means not harmful to oneself or others, and more likely beneficial and uplifting.  Crazy suggests carefree, random, other than usual and most importantly fun.  Added together, good crazy affords immense scope to be in the moment, happy and feeling alive.

 There is so much opportunity for adventure and joy in the present moment if one only steps outside one’s comfort zone.  Why not pay a compliment to a colleague, buy a thoughtful gift for a friend, take a different route home or have a different breakfast?  These little tweaks to our regular patterns makes the day feel more memorable and real.

 Good crazy unlocks so many chances to do wonderful things for others or oneself.  One wonders why we don’t naturally seek to do more spontaneous good.  Perhaps it is because we are on automatic pilot or just too comfortable being other than crazy. 

 Some people assume that if others were to act more in the moment that might imply doing wrong or evil things.  My observation is that there is so much more privatized goodness eager to be expressed than evil.  Going more public with one’s immediate positive emotions will release much wellness.  Being good crazy is about empowering goodness, but please contain those bad crazy impulses.  

 Experiment with your good crazy zone, it will likely improve your circumstances.  To slightly paraphrase Lou Reed, “Walk on the wilder side”. 

 Risk a little good crazy to spice up your life.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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THE ASK; PLEASE ATTEMPT LIFE

For several years I was involved in a not-for-profit organization, where fund raising was a continuous challenge and necessity.  What I learned early on about fund raising (internally called revenue development) is that if you never ask donors for funds, you rarely get a donation.  One of the more common replies from potential donors was, “You never asked, so I never gave.”  So we asked and they made a contribution (often sizable) to our cause. 

 Asking can be unsettling and uncomfortable, but it does get results.  Asking certainly works better than not asking.  As Wayne Gretzky said:

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

And so it is with not putting in your request: it won’t happen if you don’t ask.

 Asking, if done sincerely and respectfully, empowers the asker. It reflects your authority and confidence in yourself by admitting you are in need of assistance.  The helper has a skill or resource you are in short supply of, and can feel privileged to be of assistance to you.  Being an asset to someone else enables the helper to actively show compassion and love, a true honour.  Asking is not a sign of weakness; rather an admission that you have limitations and cannot do everything.

 A useful introduction to an ASK request is to openly acknowledge that the other person may have other demands on their time or resources.  Start by saying,  “I know you are busy but were you to have time could you ……”  This shows you are mindful of their agenda and soften the imposition of your need.  This will materially improve the overall effectiveness of your request.

 To make your request more valuable ensure that you express appreciation for the help you received.  Saying “Thank You” makes the asking cycle complete, as it uplifts the other person.  Without an explicit thanks, asking can make the helper feel taken for granted and depreciated rather than appreciated.

  It’s okay to ask, just do it respectfully

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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