Befriend Your Enemies

Enemies are bad for you as they can easily undermine who you are.

 There are two important messages in this simple line. The loudest one is that the very idea of an ENEMY is bad for your well-being. Enemies consume your attention and energy, and distract you from your chosen path. Enemies invoke feeling of hatred, or wishing harm to another.

 Secondly, enemies can easily undermine who are you. Wishing or imaging vengeance undermines you and eventually this “enemy” captures you.  What is even more unfair is that this “enemy” may be unaware of your disdain, which make you the victim of your own anger, not them. 

 Yes, there are some people who are not my friend and I would not choose to spend extra time with them, but hate them, NEVER.  I describe them as my least (or less) favourite people. Yes, it does says in the Bible to love your neighbor, but it does not say anywhere that you have to like them. Hating and hatred are such strong emotions which are best avoided

 A difficult but useful strategy I use when someone gets classified as my “least favourite person” is to actively mediate (or pray) for their well-being.  Yes, they may have offended me, but I find it easier to hope for their wellness than ponder their misfortune.  Projecting positive emotions on to my offender almost immediately allows me to let go of the offence that hurt me and move on.  Allowing that person or deed to get under my skin starts to define me, which only makes the injury or offence worse.

 So the next time a wrong or offence occurs to you, try to quietly wish the person well and feel compassion, not anger or hate.  It is much wiser to be defined by one’s own measures and choices, rather than be defined by the actions and opinions of others.  The best solution is to be able to define oneself on your own terms.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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WHERE SHOULD I START?

So many times I have had a sense of feeling overwhelmed, not knowing what to do next or how.  And then I remember one of the more clever song lines from of all places, the Sound of Music!  Julie Andrews sang:

  “Let start at the very beginning - a very good place to start.”

 I learned this lesson on the first day of my professional career, when I was given a task for which I had no training (and a charge out rate of $16/hour, which was a lot of money in those days).  I spend the rest of that day and the start of the following day just puzzled and totally overwhelmed.  And then it dawned on me what the problem was: I did not know where to start.  So I started at what was the obvious first step. I have seen the same challenge countless times when students complete exams: they don’t know where to begin an exam question.

 Acknowledging that one does not know where to start is very helpful when it comes to problem solving.  So often we start in the middle or near the end of the solution process, only to backtrack, go sideways and finally come up with a mediocre conclusion. 

 Mindfully pausing, carefully defining the challenge, admitting to yourself you are lost and deliberately planning a way forward, can seem so unnatural.  But it works!! Eventually seeking out the origin of the problem and an organized sequential path forward might become your pattern of problem solving and decision making.

 Pausing and planning is a very efficient and effective strategy. Carefully defining the first few steps in the solution process works very well.  Then check the task regularly to see whether you seem to be on the correct path.

  Starting at the beginning is a very good place to start.

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THE EXCHANGE RATE BETWEEN MONEY AND WELLNESS

Does money buy wellness?  We assume the answer is yes, but is it?  Regularly we read of wealthy people destroying their lives despite their riches.  We fantasize that were we a little richer, life would be awesome forever.  We work tirelessly for a financial reward, assuming that just around the corner lies wellness and bliss. 

Two of the more respected researchers ** on wellness investigated the money – wellness dilemma and below are their conclusions.

“Research does suggest there is a relationship between money and wellness.  At very low levels of earnings, money does improve overall wellness and life satisfaction.  However, we can say that the research on this topic tells us that it is generally good for your happiness to have money, but toxic to your happiness to want money too much.  A high income can help happiness, but is no sure path to it.  Therefore, readers must determine the motives underlying their desire for money, and not sacrifice too much in the pursuit of wealth.  It is important not only to spend money wisely, but to earn it wisely as well."

“That is, although money and happiness are linked, the effect of money on happiness is often not large.  Income appears to buy happiness, but the exchange rate isn’t great.  Extra dollars often amount to modest gains in happiness.”

A phenomena called the ‘Easterlin paradox’ notes that over the past fifty years or more, per capital income adjusted for inflation has more than doubled, but measures of personal happiness in the West have remained constant at 30%, meaning that about 30% of the population would describe themselves as happy.

I don’t know about you, but that sounds like excellent news to me. This empowers me to seek other means to improve my well-being besides money, and focus my time and attention on more effective wellness improvement strategies.

 

**: Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth by Ed Diener, Robert Biswas-Diener

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HESITATION AND THE FIVE SECOND RULE

Who doesn’t hesitate at least occasionally, if not often?  While in a warm shower, who wants to get out?  A few more minutes in bed?

“I should phone so and so.” “I should start the painting”.  We have all been there a hundred times. Joseph Addison wrote the often quoted line, “He who hesitates is lost,” yet we persist in our inability to move on or engage.

Hesitation is a combination of reluctance, fear and pleasure (short term,) prevailing over wellness (long term).  Hesitation is costly not only in lost time, but more importantly opportunities foregone.

One day I accidentally came across the simplest, most effective and cheapest solution to the hesitation dilemma.  Mel Robbins coined The 5 Second Rule* and my, does it work.  When you are in one of those hesitation situations you simply say,

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1, GO”

and you enact whatever you are delaying, fearful of, or debating.  Get out of the shower, bed, say hello, leave or whatever.  Mel got the idea from watching a rocket launch where they say 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, LIFTOFF and so she launched her own career as a motivational speaker on overcoming hesitation. Why 5 to 1, not 1 to 5?  That is part of the success formula, as counting up has no limit but counting down does hit a limit, and you have no alternative but to go.

I have shared this effective remedy with others and it really works.  Soon you appreciate that over thinking, stopping, and second guessing yourself are just defense strategies to avoid your current situation.  And then you learn that whatever you are reluctant to do was actually not that bad – you just have to get started sometimes – and that is the hardest bit.

I heartily recommend the video link below for more inspiration:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSn-L9IXbOY

5, 4, 3, 2, 1, GO  and click the link above (I dare you).

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BEING IN THE FLOW

We have all been in the flow** and relish these moments.  This is where one is engaged in an activity which is both high in challenge, but matched with a high level of personal skill.  Awareness of time disappears, one is totally absorbed in the task at hand and in a state of peace, joy and total presence in the moment.  In sports, the experience of flow is described as being “in the zone”.   The importance of having a high degree of personal control over your circumstance makes the flow that much more authentic.  By contrast, the opposite of flow is apathy or boredom, where one is using few of one’s skills, and the level of task challenge is low, with generally limited autonomy.

There are challenges to being in the flow, and they can be overcome.  A good place to start is to appreciate the importance of deliberately combining high levels of challenge and skill together.  The synergy of skill and challenge can motivate you to design part of your career or leisure time to allow for more flow situations. 

Creatively and carefully look at your job or leisure time and consider where there are opportunities to develop new skills or challenging opportunities.  Look at some of your more frequent but boring or less satisfying obligations and see if they can be re-engineered to being more skillful or challenging.  I disliked the exams marking aspect of university lecturing.  Subsequently I re-engineered the exam papers, questions, answer booklets, grade allocation/calibration, marking pens, marking space and work space arrangement such that grading was more skillful and properly challenging (though never a joy).  Also see where there are opportunities for increased autonomy and design activities for skill improvement and challenge.

The awesome thing about flow is that by deliberately embedding it into your daily rituals, your occupational and intellectual well-being improves (two of the seven aspect of wellness).  

 

**: Mihály Csíkszentmihályi coined and researched flow extensively.  The TedTalk video noted below provides more details on flow:

www.ted.com/talks/mihaly_csikszentmihalyi_on_flow?language=af

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COMPASSION?!?

The idea of compassion has long intrigued me.  When I think of some of the Nobel Peace Prize winners (for example Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, the Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, Malala Yousafzai), I recognize compassion in action but I still do not know how I can be better at being compassionate. 

Looking up compassion in the dictionary (sympathetic consciousness of others' distress, together with a desire to alleviate it [Webster] or sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others [Oxford]) was helpful, but still did not connect with me, as it sounded so abstract. 

Finally, I read the wonderful and inspiring book “The Book of Joy” by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu and the simplest and most concise summary of compassion was provided, being:

Can I help?      or     How can I help?

Now, looking back at the Nobel Peace Prize winners I was able to identify the common theme to their character, a selfless willingness to help others, especially when the odds were stacked against them.

Regularly pondering how you can help others in your community or the world at large is an excellent step forward in practicing compassion. Science has found that compassion is contagious; when one is compassionate, others note the kindness and are also inclined to be equally caring - a ripple effect often expands outwards and multiples.

Compassion is the compliment to gratitude: combining an attitude of gratitude with “How can I help?” will make the world a better place.

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Fake it Till you Make it

I see this regularly when I teach, a students who decided that the subject, instructor and/or university is terrible.  No amount of encouragement or humour will move the learner from this determined belief.  Guess what, from their perspective the results bare out their pre-conceptions, they unhappily labour at the subject matter and end up doing less well and it was all because the subject or whatever was terrible.

Fortunately, I also see others who acknowledge that the subject matter or instructor leaves much to be desired but soldiers on but with a different perspective.  They have decided to reframe the situation and initially pretend that the subject matter or task is intriguing and engaging.  Slowly the course or experience becomes enjoyable and the results are acceptable and worthwhile.

When I am in many encounters I have at least two choices.  First, do I perceive it positively or negatively?  Secondly, how much effort will I have to exert to convince myself that indeed it is a joyful undertaking?  How much faking will it take to convince (fool) myself that this moment and experience is at least okay and perhaps wonderful?

If one waits for evidence to convince oneself that the present moment is grand, it is very likely that most of those moments and NOW will be spent waiting, being less engaged and disappointed.  Consider carefully, if there is no realistic alternative to your present moment.  If there is no Plan B but only the current Plan A, than fake it till you make Plan A awesome or at least bearable.  If there is a Plan B, either take it and actively start faking it that this is ideal or totally drop Plan B and make Plan A your joy present moment.

Research shows that mind over matter, convincing yourself that what is your present moment is ideal is very helpful and does work. Fake it till you make it may initially seek to “fool” you but you may be a fool not to actively try it.

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ASK YOUR FRIENDS WHO YOU ARE

Often we are the last one to really know what is going on in our life. We may be sad, lost, less fit or a chore to be around but we don’t really know or believe it.  But our friends and associates certainly do.

One especially useful time to involve others in your journey is when you are making career, retirement or finding our purpose dilemmas.  We think we know what we like or want but by design we are biased and subjective.  Your friend may be biased in that they like you but more importantly they see you as you are and behave. What they see is your strengths and weakness as they have had to adjust and accept them.  Friends see what you are better or worse at because they can see how others reacted to your actions.

Bob Buford* described the process of discovering who you are by asking friends as seismic testing; where you allow others to drill into your personality and tell you what they observe and have discovered.  These other set of eyes and hearts can be especially telling.  Remembering these are friends and they are looking out for your well-being, they are certain to focus more on your abilities and steer you away from folly.  Their precise insights may confirm or refute your plans, but at the very less their comments should be considered carefully.

Wonderfully, personal seismic testing let you know how others observe the consequences of your actions. 

Asking questions such as “What do you (your friend):

“think I am especially effective (ineffective) at?”

“observe from the reactions of others that I do well (poorly)?”

“consider to be some of my more useful (weak) technical skills?”

“think I would be especially good at doing?”

“recommend would be the wisest new skill I develop to master my strengths (or tame my weaknesses)?”

“wish I would just stop doing as it is especially annoying to others?”

Asking close friends how you actually come across is useful advice when you are looking for direction and purpose.  They likely know a lot more about you than you imagine.  And do listen carefully to what they say and observe, it may be positively inspiring.

*Half Time, Moving from Success to Signifance by Bob Buford

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GENEROSITY – THE TALE OF THE PIG AND THE CHICKEN

 Years ago, at a fund-raising dinner, I had the good fortune to meet a very joyful, successful and wealthy entrepreneur. What struck me and others about this person was how kind, unassuming and at peace he was.  He gave a very short speech, after which he made an impressive donation to the organization we were there to all support. I will never forget what he shared with the audience. 

The speaker told a story about a community of animals on a farm.  The most popular and befriended animal by far was Ms. Chicken.  She was never alone, highly regarded and a leader in the farm yard.  Then, there was Mr. Pig.  He had few friends, was often ignored and felt rather lonely.  One day Mr. Pig met Ms. Chicken and he ask the obvious question, which was, “What is the secret to your charm and popularity?” 

Without pausing, Ms. Chicken stated, “The reason I am held in high regard is that I give every day to the community, and you give only once.  Simple as that.”

Don’t delay in your generosity until you are older, or writing your last will and testament.  Enjoy and savour the bounty of charity by making it a frequent and habitual part of your life journey.  And again, remember the three T’s of time, talent and treasure.  You must have a surplus of one of these that you can share with others. Regular giving of small amounts of time or treasure often has much more impact on those around us than grander, one off gestures.

Please give than live, rather than the reverse of living than giving.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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GENEROSITY – THE THREE “T’s”

Many respected leaders in the area of well-being (the Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, Sonja Lyubomirsky), have noted that generosity is one of the more redeeming and effective ways to improve one’s sense of wholeness and joy.  Generosity is prescribed by almost every religious tradition.  It is one of the five pillars of Islam, called zakat.  In Judaism, it is called tzedakah, which literally means “justice”. In Hinduism and Buddhism, it is called dana.  And in Christianity, it is called charity.

Generosity is one of the best vitamins for happiness, but our understanding of it may be challenged and short-sighted, because we often associate charity with money and gifts.  Fortunately, money is but one expression of generosity.  Let’s meet the three “T’s”: Time, Talent and Treasure.

For much of our life being financially charitable is challenging and awkward, as money (treasure) may be in short supply.  We want to be generous, but say to ourselves that we will get around to it when we are older.  However, we also have skills (talents) which can benefit those in need.  Or, giving up some of one’s time to a cause that speaks to you is also an act of charity. Sharing one’s expertise or leisure feels every bit as good for the soul as money.  At the end of the day, time is our most intimate expression of ourselves; sharing it altruistically with those in need is the dearest thing we can give.

Wonderfully, when time or talent are our method of expressing kindness to others, we get the added benefit of being part of a relationship with others.  This connectivity and interdependence with a community adds depth to our well-being.

Volunteering one’s time or talents does not have an age restriction, the earlier you starting giving of it the more you grow.

 Further reading: The Book of Joy   by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, Hutchinson 2016.

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Student or Learner?

I have taught in a university environment for over thirty years, so I have seen a lot of students and learners. What I have concluded over all these years is that students study and learners learn. 

 In my experience, those who study memorize, re-perform, cram and try to second guess the exam. They often fail to engage with the more intriguing and less easily accessed aspects of the topic.

 Learners learn by pondering questions, engaging, visiting the theory and the rich “WHYNESS” of the materials. It goes without saying that they get a lot more out of the course.

 It is very easy to differentiate between learners and students.  Learners come to class and life prepared, having invested some time in advance to plan, and they try to understand the nature of the problem or topic under consideration.  Conversely, students in school and life often avoid preparation, fuss about unimportant tangential details, are adverse to ambiguity and intimidated by reflection. They are convinced there is a magic bullet, a short cut or trick to success, and they avoid engagement with the complexities of an issue.

 As in the classroom, so in life. For the student of life, as the problem gets more complicated and rife with unpleasant trade-offs, they often seek simple black and white solutions.  The learners of life appreciate that interesting challenges are not black and white, there are better but not right solutions, and an understanding of the underlying issues behind a problem may yield some interesting insights that will help to ultimately resolve it.

 Life and learning is not fair or kind: learners tend to have higher employment satisfaction and remuneration. Their preparedness and more thoughtful approach pays off. Learning also connects us with our more positive emotions, ultimately improving our well-being as we lose ourselves in the sheer joy of exploring something new.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Significance

There is a story about Mother Teresa (Noble Peace Prize 1979) being on an airplane and sitting next to a passenger who was extolling his amazing achievements; CEO of a huge company, possessions, fame, network of influential business leaders and fortune.  You know and can imagine the person.  He was unaware that the listener was Mother Teresa. 

Mother Teresa finally interrupted the gentleman by asking a simple question:  “What have you done that is significant?”  Despite his career highs; the thousands of adoring shareholders, the countless subordinates and employees and the awesome salary, he was silenced, deflated and probably disappointed or embarrassed. But where was his significance agenda? There is a natural tendency to pursue success and forget or negate significance.  Urgency overwhelms purpose, as ever larger survival urges overwhelm longer term wellness. 

Along your life journey regularly ask if there are opportunities for significance and higher purpose in your daily actions.  Start by thinking small and locally; do a random act of kindness, volunteer, put yourself out to help someone else, mentor a subordinate - seek simple service gestures, as these opportunities are countless.

One of the more powerful tools or habits that brings a sense of well-being and contentment is serving others.  It will improve your spirits, your local community and your world view.

Significance, and the purpose it engenders, encourages a cycle of improved wellness and wholeness. Significance encourages joy to flourish around and within you.  Start to look for significance opportunities, and you will find they are everywhere. 

Balance your life and career so you both do well (personal rewards) but also do good (benefit others).  “Doing good” is your significance agenda and challenge.

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What is Work?

My first bit of common sense or wisdom came to me when I was about ten years old. Its source was from the book by Mark Twain, The Adventure of Tom Sawyer. Tom was being punished by having to white wash paint a fence (you may also know the story). Tom was not keen about his assignment so he thought, “How can I turn this task from work to play and perhaps even make a profit?” 

What Tom did was to start painting the fence with joy and excitement.  His friends quickly observed his enthusiasm and asked if they could join in and do some painting.  Soon he was selling the privilege of painting the fence and only stopped when he ran out of paint.  This story has many themes, but the theme of the story as I was taught it many years ago was:

What is work?  It is what you don’t like doing.  What is play? 

It is what you enjoy doing.  Get paid to play.

That simple insight I learned at age ten changed me forever. I never forgot it, even after over 50 years of employment.  From that moment on I decided to NEVER GO TO WORK!! And you know what, I (almost) never have. My entire career (with the exception of about 3 years) I have been paid to play.  I was able to CONVINCE MYSELF that whatever I was doing was playful and joyful.   Now I must admit sometimes that having to convince myself that what I was doing was playful was a stretch, but I diligently and consciously made the effort to see situations in that light. 

The worst case solution was to ponder how the “work” situation was a learning platform and plan my escape; the normal response was to eagerly try to be my absolute best at it and speculate how it could be done better.  For repetitive tasks, analyzing them carefully was always an opportunity for improvement, even though the only one who would notice the improvement was myself. I turn my trade into an art form and forever looked for the smallest of tweaks and quirks to make the output something I had total personal pride in.  The point is, if what you are doing is play, then playing harder and better is always self-satisfying and motivating.

 Perhaps if your work is less than playful, than you could re-engineer your perspective and find some aspect of your tasks that you enjoy somewhat, and focus on how to make that aspect more central and playful.

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Habits

Confucius noted that “All humans are the same, except for their habits.” 

Habits are your natural tendencies or practices.  They determine how you behave or react to a situation and they are automatic reflexes, often unconsciously made.  We are all largely the same biologically, but we differ in how we behave or react to things.

Given that habits define your uniqueness and personality, then maturing habits that enhance contentment and wellness would be constructive. I have struggled to make my intentional activities (the 40% I control, see graph below) habitual and more beneficial.  Learning to be grateful, positive and reframing problems to possible thinking took a lot of mindful effort.  However, with practise these responses and perspectives became my natural habits - my default reaction.

Habits do have a pattern in their formation.  Repeating the same behavior consistently, deliberately and with mindful determination, for on average for 66 days, make a behavior or response automatic and habitual.   The wonderful reward of building wellness and contentment habits is that you get a subtle but real reward almost immediately and sub-consciously; you feel better quite quickly.  But just like medicine, once you start to feel improved health you often stop taking the medicine.  So also with wellness habits. 

Positive psychology suggests that the most useful and easiest well-being habit to mature is gratitude.  Start a gratitude journal to note your blessings, finding three to five things to be grateful for EVERY day.  Express internally or externally gratitude at every available opportunity (and especially when you are in a difficult situation).  Search for wonder in your present moment. 

Design your wellness program and invest 66 days to see what happens.  Nothing to lose- just take baby steps, one habit at a time.

Think about looking at some of your strengths and making them more habitual and regular.

What other well-being habits might you want to cultivate?

Ø  seeking opportunities for service

Ø  delaying gratification to its most opportune moment

Ø  exercising

Ø  working with your willpower to make it stronger

Ø  wanting less

Ø  practising resilience

Ø  looking for opportunities to express your purpose. 

 

For further reading, if you are interested:

How are habits formed: Modelling Habit Formation in the Real World,  Phillippa Lally,  Cornelia H. M. van Jaarsveld,  Henry W. W. Potts,  Jane Wardle; European Journal of Social Psychology, 16 July 2009, https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.674.

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Do unto Others as You would have Others Do unto You (The Golden Rule)

The Golden Rule of life is expressed in many cultures and religions as an essential part of living and being part of a more meaningful life.

Being more thoughtful and aware of others has immediate pay-offs and instructive rewards.  Consciously holding the door open, giving up your seat, letting someone else speak, complimenting someone, letting that car in or helping someone with their luggage all trigger an immediate sense that you are mindful, thoughtful and in the moment.  Being altruistic is one of the blessing largely unique to human beings, something that defines our humanity.  Selflessness elevates one spirit the same way gratitude also does.  An easy and obvious way to implement the Golden Rule is to be of service to others. Added together, gratitude, selflessness and service compound their benefits in improved wellness.

Cultivating the habit of being more selfless opens you to being more aware of the kindness of others.  If you want your world to be kinder and more whole, start from within and project thoughtfulness; over time other will notice and reciprocate in random and wonderful ways.  Also, observe and acknowledge the kindness of others that you receive. The world is much kinder than you imagine but you have to look out for the many blessings we receive.

The reward of the Golden Rule is the gold it bestows on you; kindness, purpose, wellness and being part of a larger, more meaningful world.  Start causing the gold and cashing in.

 

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The Hard Work + Success → Happiness MYTH

The Hard Work + Success → Happiness MYTH

Most of you were raised on a formula of happiness that suggested that if you worked really hard someday you would be happy.  Guess what!  Recent research strongly suggests this proverb is WRONG, because it has the cause and effect reversed!!  The correct formula is:

Happiness + Hard Work → Success

If you starts with a positive, happy, optimistic frame of mind and works hard, then success, however defined, is much more likely to result and more importantly, be experienced. 

Using the traditional formula absolutely does not work as each achievement (success milestone) encourages one to set an even higher benchmark for happiness.  You get a promotion, complete a course of studies, meet the person of your dreams and you feel satisfied and happy for a few months and then you set a new target or grow accustomed to this new normal.

Instead, research suggests that if you start out with a happier, more positive disposition and work hard, success is more likely to be a bi-product. The happiness causes success cycle than repeats itself and the contentment and achievements multiply.  Your physical and mental health, life span, relationships, bank accounts and career are all generally in much better shape than when we use the traditional success causes happiness work ethic.

Re-engineering your work and life ethic to this new paradigm should not be frightening, rather it should be inspiring.  Given the counter-intuitive nature of happiness breeding success, changing to this new approach is not automatic, immediate or effortless, it requires focus and mindful attention to change your habits. The challenge now is to develop life skills which proactively and deliberately improve wellness and the likelihood of success will follow. 

For further reading, if you interested: 

The Benefits of Frequent Positive Affect: Does Happiness Lead to Success?, Sonja Lyubomirsky, Laura King, Ed Diener; Psychological Bulletin, Vol 131(6), Nov 2005, 803-855

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