ASK YOUR FRIENDS WHO YOU ARE

Often we are the last one to really know what is going on in our life. We may be sad, lost, less fit or a chore to be around but we don’t really know or believe it.  But our friends and associates certainly do.

One especially useful time to involve others in your journey is when you are making career, retirement or finding our purpose dilemmas.  We think we know what we like or want but by design we are biased and subjective.  Your friend may be biased in that they like you but more importantly they see you as you are and behave. What they see is your strengths and weakness as they have had to adjust and accept them.  Friends see what you are better or worse at because they can see how others reacted to your actions.

Bob Buford* described the process of discovering who you are by asking friends as seismic testing; where you allow others to drill into your personality and tell you what they observe and have discovered.  These other set of eyes and hearts can be especially telling.  Remembering these are friends and they are looking out for your well-being, they are certain to focus more on your abilities and steer you away from folly.  Their precise insights may confirm or refute your plans, but at the very less their comments should be considered carefully.

Wonderfully, personal seismic testing let you know how others observe the consequences of your actions. 

Asking questions such as “What do you (your friend):

“think I am especially effective (ineffective) at?”

“observe from the reactions of others that I do well (poorly)?”

“consider to be some of my more useful (weak) technical skills?”

“think I would be especially good at doing?”

“recommend would be the wisest new skill I develop to master my strengths (or tame my weaknesses)?”

“wish I would just stop doing as it is especially annoying to others?”

Asking close friends how you actually come across is useful advice when you are looking for direction and purpose.  They likely know a lot more about you than you imagine.  And do listen carefully to what they say and observe, it may be positively inspiring.

*Half Time, Moving from Success to Signifance by Bob Buford

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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GENEROSITY – THE TALE OF THE PIG AND THE CHICKEN

 Years ago, at a fund-raising dinner, I had the good fortune to meet a very joyful, successful and wealthy entrepreneur. What struck me and others about this person was how kind, unassuming and at peace he was.  He gave a very short speech, after which he made an impressive donation to the organization we were there to all support. I will never forget what he shared with the audience. 

The speaker told a story about a community of animals on a farm.  The most popular and befriended animal by far was Ms. Chicken.  She was never alone, highly regarded and a leader in the farm yard.  Then, there was Mr. Pig.  He had few friends, was often ignored and felt rather lonely.  One day Mr. Pig met Ms. Chicken and he ask the obvious question, which was, “What is the secret to your charm and popularity?” 

Without pausing, Ms. Chicken stated, “The reason I am held in high regard is that I give every day to the community, and you give only once.  Simple as that.”

Don’t delay in your generosity until you are older, or writing your last will and testament.  Enjoy and savour the bounty of charity by making it a frequent and habitual part of your life journey.  And again, remember the three T’s of time, talent and treasure.  You must have a surplus of one of these that you can share with others. Regular giving of small amounts of time or treasure often has much more impact on those around us than grander, one off gestures.

Please give than live, rather than the reverse of living than giving.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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GENEROSITY – THE THREE “T’s”

Many respected leaders in the area of well-being (the Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, Sonja Lyubomirsky), have noted that generosity is one of the more redeeming and effective ways to improve one’s sense of wholeness and joy.  Generosity is prescribed by almost every religious tradition.  It is one of the five pillars of Islam, called zakat.  In Judaism, it is called tzedakah, which literally means “justice”. In Hinduism and Buddhism, it is called dana.  And in Christianity, it is called charity.

Generosity is one of the best vitamins for happiness, but our understanding of it may be challenged and short-sighted, because we often associate charity with money and gifts.  Fortunately, money is but one expression of generosity.  Let’s meet the three “T’s”: Time, Talent and Treasure.

For much of our life being financially charitable is challenging and awkward, as money (treasure) may be in short supply.  We want to be generous, but say to ourselves that we will get around to it when we are older.  However, we also have skills (talents) which can benefit those in need.  Or, giving up some of one’s time to a cause that speaks to you is also an act of charity. Sharing one’s expertise or leisure feels every bit as good for the soul as money.  At the end of the day, time is our most intimate expression of ourselves; sharing it altruistically with those in need is the dearest thing we can give.

Wonderfully, when time or talent are our method of expressing kindness to others, we get the added benefit of being part of a relationship with others.  This connectivity and interdependence with a community adds depth to our well-being.

Volunteering one’s time or talents does not have an age restriction, the earlier you starting giving of it the more you grow.

 Further reading: The Book of Joy   by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, Hutchinson 2016.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Student or Learner?

I have taught in a university environment for over thirty years, so I have seen a lot of students and learners. What I have concluded over all these years is that students study and learners learn. 

 In my experience, those who study memorize, re-perform, cram and try to second guess the exam. They often fail to engage with the more intriguing and less easily accessed aspects of the topic.

 Learners learn by pondering questions, engaging, visiting the theory and the rich “WHYNESS” of the materials. It goes without saying that they get a lot more out of the course.

 It is very easy to differentiate between learners and students.  Learners come to class and life prepared, having invested some time in advance to plan, and they try to understand the nature of the problem or topic under consideration.  Conversely, students in school and life often avoid preparation, fuss about unimportant tangential details, are adverse to ambiguity and intimidated by reflection. They are convinced there is a magic bullet, a short cut or trick to success, and they avoid engagement with the complexities of an issue.

 As in the classroom, so in life. For the student of life, as the problem gets more complicated and rife with unpleasant trade-offs, they often seek simple black and white solutions.  The learners of life appreciate that interesting challenges are not black and white, there are better but not right solutions, and an understanding of the underlying issues behind a problem may yield some interesting insights that will help to ultimately resolve it.

 Life and learning is not fair or kind: learners tend to have higher employment satisfaction and remuneration. Their preparedness and more thoughtful approach pays off. Learning also connects us with our more positive emotions, ultimately improving our well-being as we lose ourselves in the sheer joy of exploring something new.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Significance

There is a story about Mother Teresa (Noble Peace Prize 1979) being on an airplane and sitting next to a passenger who was extolling his amazing achievements; CEO of a huge company, possessions, fame, network of influential business leaders and fortune.  You know and can imagine the person.  He was unaware that the listener was Mother Teresa. 

Mother Teresa finally interrupted the gentleman by asking a simple question:  “What have you done that is significant?”  Despite his career highs; the thousands of adoring shareholders, the countless subordinates and employees and the awesome salary, he was silenced, deflated and probably disappointed or embarrassed. But where was his significance agenda? There is a natural tendency to pursue success and forget or negate significance.  Urgency overwhelms purpose, as ever larger survival urges overwhelm longer term wellness. 

Along your life journey regularly ask if there are opportunities for significance and higher purpose in your daily actions.  Start by thinking small and locally; do a random act of kindness, volunteer, put yourself out to help someone else, mentor a subordinate - seek simple service gestures, as these opportunities are countless.

One of the more powerful tools or habits that brings a sense of well-being and contentment is serving others.  It will improve your spirits, your local community and your world view.

Significance, and the purpose it engenders, encourages a cycle of improved wellness and wholeness. Significance encourages joy to flourish around and within you.  Start to look for significance opportunities, and you will find they are everywhere. 

Balance your life and career so you both do well (personal rewards) but also do good (benefit others).  “Doing good” is your significance agenda and challenge.

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What is Work?

My first bit of common sense or wisdom came to me when I was about ten years old. Its source was from the book by Mark Twain, The Adventure of Tom Sawyer. Tom was being punished by having to white wash paint a fence (you may also know the story). Tom was not keen about his assignment so he thought, “How can I turn this task from work to play and perhaps even make a profit?” 

What Tom did was to start painting the fence with joy and excitement.  His friends quickly observed his enthusiasm and asked if they could join in and do some painting.  Soon he was selling the privilege of painting the fence and only stopped when he ran out of paint.  This story has many themes, but the theme of the story as I was taught it many years ago was:

What is work?  It is what you don’t like doing.  What is play? 

It is what you enjoy doing.  Get paid to play.

That simple insight I learned at age ten changed me forever. I never forgot it, even after over 50 years of employment.  From that moment on I decided to NEVER GO TO WORK!! And you know what, I (almost) never have. My entire career (with the exception of about 3 years) I have been paid to play.  I was able to CONVINCE MYSELF that whatever I was doing was playful and joyful.   Now I must admit sometimes that having to convince myself that what I was doing was playful was a stretch, but I diligently and consciously made the effort to see situations in that light. 

The worst case solution was to ponder how the “work” situation was a learning platform and plan my escape; the normal response was to eagerly try to be my absolute best at it and speculate how it could be done better.  For repetitive tasks, analyzing them carefully was always an opportunity for improvement, even though the only one who would notice the improvement was myself. I turn my trade into an art form and forever looked for the smallest of tweaks and quirks to make the output something I had total personal pride in.  The point is, if what you are doing is play, then playing harder and better is always self-satisfying and motivating.

 Perhaps if your work is less than playful, than you could re-engineer your perspective and find some aspect of your tasks that you enjoy somewhat, and focus on how to make that aspect more central and playful.

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Habits

Confucius noted that “All humans are the same, except for their habits.” 

Habits are your natural tendencies or practices.  They determine how you behave or react to a situation and they are automatic reflexes, often unconsciously made.  We are all largely the same biologically, but we differ in how we behave or react to things.

Given that habits define your uniqueness and personality, then maturing habits that enhance contentment and wellness would be constructive. I have struggled to make my intentional activities (the 40% I control, see graph below) habitual and more beneficial.  Learning to be grateful, positive and reframing problems to possible thinking took a lot of mindful effort.  However, with practise these responses and perspectives became my natural habits - my default reaction.

Habits do have a pattern in their formation.  Repeating the same behavior consistently, deliberately and with mindful determination, for on average for 66 days, make a behavior or response automatic and habitual.   The wonderful reward of building wellness and contentment habits is that you get a subtle but real reward almost immediately and sub-consciously; you feel better quite quickly.  But just like medicine, once you start to feel improved health you often stop taking the medicine.  So also with wellness habits. 

Positive psychology suggests that the most useful and easiest well-being habit to mature is gratitude.  Start a gratitude journal to note your blessings, finding three to five things to be grateful for EVERY day.  Express internally or externally gratitude at every available opportunity (and especially when you are in a difficult situation).  Search for wonder in your present moment. 

Design your wellness program and invest 66 days to see what happens.  Nothing to lose- just take baby steps, one habit at a time.

Think about looking at some of your strengths and making them more habitual and regular.

What other well-being habits might you want to cultivate?

Ø  seeking opportunities for service

Ø  delaying gratification to its most opportune moment

Ø  exercising

Ø  working with your willpower to make it stronger

Ø  wanting less

Ø  practising resilience

Ø  looking for opportunities to express your purpose. 

For further reading, if you are interested:

How are habits formed: Modelling Habit Formation in the Real World,  Phillippa Lally,  Cornelia H. M. van Jaarsveld,  Henry W. W. Potts,  Jane Wardle; European Journal of Social Psychology, 16 July 2009, https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.674.

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Do unto Others as You would have Others Do unto You (The Golden Rule)

The Golden Rule of life is expressed in many cultures and religions as an essential part of living and being part of a more meaningful life.

Being more thoughtful and aware of others has immediate pay-offs and instructive rewards.  Consciously holding the door open, giving up your seat, letting someone else speak, complimenting someone, letting that car in or helping someone with their luggage all trigger an immediate sense that you are mindful, thoughtful and in the moment.  Being altruistic is one of the blessing largely unique to human beings, something that defines our humanity.  Selflessness elevates one spirit the same way gratitude also does.  An easy and obvious way to implement the Golden Rule is to be of service to others. Added together, gratitude, selflessness and service compound their benefits in improved wellness.

Cultivating the habit of being more selfless opens you to being more aware of the kindness of others.  If you want your world to be kinder and more whole, start from within and project thoughtfulness; over time other will notice and reciprocate in random and wonderful ways.  Also, observe and acknowledge the kindness of others that you receive. The world is much kinder than you imagine but you have to look out for the many blessings we receive.

The reward of the Golden Rule is the gold it bestows on you; kindness, purpose, wellness and being part of a larger, more meaningful world.  Start causing the gold and cashing in.

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The Hard Work + Success → Happiness MYTH

The Hard Work + Success → Happiness MYTH

Most of you were raised on a formula of happiness that suggested that if you worked really hard someday you would be happy.  Guess what!  Recent research strongly suggests this proverb is WRONG, because it has the cause and effect reversed!!  The correct formula is:

Happiness + Hard Work → Success

If you starts with a positive, happy, optimistic frame of mind and works hard, then success, however defined, is much more likely to result and more importantly, be experienced. 

Using the traditional formula absolutely does not work as each achievement (success milestone) encourages one to set an even higher benchmark for happiness.  You get a promotion, complete a course of studies, meet the person of your dreams and you feel satisfied and happy for a few months and then you set a new target or grow accustomed to this new normal.

Instead, research suggests that if you start out with a happier, more positive disposition and work hard, success is more likely to be a bi-product. The happiness causes success cycle than repeats itself and the contentment and achievements multiply.  Your physical and mental health, life span, relationships, bank accounts and career are all generally in much better shape than when we use the traditional success causes happiness work ethic.

Re-engineering your work and life ethic to this new paradigm should not be frightening, rather it should be inspiring.  Given the counter-intuitive nature of happiness breeding success, changing to this new approach is not automatic, immediate or effortless, it requires focus and mindful attention to change your habits. The challenge now is to develop life skills which proactively and deliberately improve wellness and the likelihood of success will follow. 

For further reading, if you interested: 

The Benefits of Frequent Positive Affect: Does Happiness Lead to Success?, Sonja Lyubomirsky, Laura King, Ed Diener; Psychological Bulletin, Vol 131(6), Nov 2005, 803-855

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When Preparation meets Opportunity

Some people just seem to be so lucky, or blessed. Life just seems to go their way. Why so?? Why not me?

One views suggests that luck is passive, random and largely beyond one’s control. Good things might happen to me, but I do not cause them to happen. Another view is that luck is less random and is often caused or encouraged by mindful intervention.

Steven Leacock has said, “I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more of it I have.” I think that being lucky in life largely occurs when preparation meets opportunity.

One can significantly increase one’s likelihood of good fortune in life by consciously maturing skills and attitudes that are useful in one’s line of work. Putting yourself at risk and exposing yourself to opportunity is also a major factor. So many people miss out on opportunities because they do not put themselves forward, often from the mistaken belief that they are not good enough.

 For your career or calling, start by learning your craft and developing your skills, observing closely the rules of the game in your profession and identifying influencers or key players in that area. Start walking the walk and talking the talk. Be authentic and focused, but also be realistic. Unrealistic hopes are bound to disappoint; but realistic aspirations, deliberately planned, seem to yield “luckier” outcomes. This is the preparation part.

Next, start looking for those opportunities. Put yourself at risk and expose yourself to situations where opportunities related to your calling or aspirations are present. Cause opportunity by going outside your comfort zone, and try networking beyond your traditional circle of acquaintances. Invest some of your leisure time to researching in detail the more complex aspects of your goal.

An important ingredient of luck is to be in the right place at the right time, with the requisite skills. Strategically do your preparation and imagine not only your next move, but your next several moves – having a plan doesn’t mean it will succeed, but it has to be better than having no plan at all. It is no coincidence that those who work harder and smarter seem to be luckier. And once the ball starts rolling, luck seems to multiply and flow more easily.