You Experience Tens of Millions of People Every Day!

Look at whatever you are holding or using this very moment.  Perhaps it is a pen, a phone, a cup of coffee or an article of clothing.  How many people were directly involved in making that item, going right back to its basic raw material, assembly, transportation, trading and selling of these components and finished goods?  Then add those people indirectly involved in this item, those that had invented and assembled the tools required for its production.  And then add those involved in the various other supply chains required for that item to be in your hand this very moment.  Certainly tens or hundreds of thousands were involved in just this item, not to mention the many others things you interact with today. Added together just for today, I am sure well over 10 million people made your day happen. 

SO WHAT??!! Anyone who imagines themselves to be self-reliant and independent overstates their self-importance or significance.  We interact with all these people and need each other for our very existence.  Their effort, touch and presence allowed for your day. 

If you are interconnected with that many people every day, should you be selfish and uninterested in their wellbeing?  Or appreciate their input into your wellness?  You are so inter-connected with and in need of others that their well-being should be part of your mindfulness and concern. 

Being kind, thoughtful and respectful of others will make your life more human and meaningful.  Similarly, today tens of millions of people indirectly experienced you.  Wouldn’t it be nice if they acted kindly, thoughtfully and respectfully towards you?  Making others day and life better WILL equally improve your situation and condition. 

Truly, what goes around, comes round.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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WHAT ARE THE LIES YOU BELIEVE?

Unfortunately we are all cursed with at least a few limiting beliefs. 

 I’m NOT good/pretty/smart/strong/young/slim/rich ENOUGH!!

 We firmly cling to these beliefs without questioning their truthfulness, relevance or merit.  Many of these limiting beliefs are lies and mistruths which we nonetheless make true in our lives.  We act out these misconceptions of ourselves until they are realized and we become a more limited version of ourselves.

 These lies which limit our potential have two telling features the words NOT and ENOUGH. Each should be carefully disputed.  Unraveling the likely lies is very empowering.  Many things of interest in life are not black or white.  Perhaps you are not the best at something, or even that great at it, but that does not mean you are therefore terrible or poor: there is lots of scope for being below average, but still okay.  The word ‘enough’ is even more dangerous and potentially damaging.  Who decides what the standard is for a sufficient amount? 

 Carefully address those views of yourself which hold you back.  Are your views of your own ability too low, or your expectations of what is good enough too high?  Yes, eventually you will discover that there are certain skills or attributes that you are not blessed with and should probably not pursue: you cannot excel in everything.  Furthermore, if you have some legitimate limiting beliefs you ought to also have many more valid empowering beliefs.  A major part of my SMALLER CUP perspective is being aware and grateful for your gifts, whilst underplaying the importance or your shortcomings. 

 A rule I have used after taking my personal inventory is:

 Go with my strengths but MANAGE my weaknesses.

 A long time ago I identified and chose to believe in my gifts and abilities, seeking out opportunities to use them proactively and converting these blessings into by calling and employment.   By manage my weaknesses, I mean being mindful of instances where my weaknesses are potentially exposed and either behaving cautiously in that instance, or purposefully avoiding those situations, people and careers.

   Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Celebrate What is Right with Your Present Moment

How do you view a half full cup? Happy full, half empty or needing a smaller cup?

What matters is the point of view you bring to your present situation.  When you read the newspaper, visit a news website, or watch/listen to a news cast, you will notice that these tend to focus on what is wrong with our world.  Only the sports pages exalt our achievements, but then with a biased perspective. Sadly, the world seems addicted to this negative narrative and perspective, rejecting a more positive perspective as naïve or Pollyanna-like in nature.

Celebrate what is right with your situation; seek out the excellence, bounty and blessing within your present moment.  Change your point of view, change your lens of life, and seek out with the positive - RIGHT NOW!  One of the most wonderful aspects of looking for the positive is that there are many perspectives and ways to view each situation in a better light. Once you identify these, risk being in awe of them.  Don’t analyze these blessings with a critical eye and destroy the mystery, but rather enjoy them without the cynicism that seems to have invaded our cultural perspective.

While you are in the spirit of celebrating what is right with your present moment, reflect on those who you are close to, and acknowledge their good points and how they improve your present situation.  Be prepared to marvel and appreciate the good around you. 

For every wrong, failure or weakness you observe, deliberately look for an equal number of kindnesses and strengths to CELEBRATE.  This conscious reframing of your present moment will reward you with wellness.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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For further reflection:  Please do listen to the TEDx Talk by Dewitt Jones called “Celebrate what’s right with the world!” Well worth the 18 minutes of your time.

THE CAMP SITE RULE

The campsite rule is: “When you leave the campsite, try to make it a little neater, cleaner, and better then when you arrived.  Take away a little more litter than is yours.”  

 Whereas I don’t camp much (almost never), I apply this rule to the community I live in.  The world is too weird, complicated, confused and often angry, but my local and immediate community does not have to be that way.  At the end of the day we spend at least 99% of our life in a very small, confined and intimate world of our home, local community and workplace. 

Rather than fretting too much about the unfairness of the geo-political world, why not focus a lot of your attention and effort on your rather small world and seek to make it kinder, friendlier and tidier.  Your nicer local campsite makes the larger world more tolerable and accommodating.                            

I have a habit of seeking out litter as I walk along; picking it up.  Smile at the clerks in the shops that you frequent.  Greet the bus driver with a Hello and say thanks when you get off.  Hold the door open in the elevator.  Help strangers who seem lost.  Give up your seat on the bus or train.  Let that car that is try to cut in, in. Seek out ways to make your neighborhood a better place. Start an uplifting and positive conversation with that person standing next to you. Your community is your campsite, deliberately make is a nicer and friendlier place.

 It may seem trivial and unimportant but, at the very least it makes you a little prouder and more positive about your world.  Curiously and wonderfully, over time your immediate surroundings will feel more like home.  And your example may inspire a few others, and that is how change happens.    

 Think globally but act locally.  Make your campsite more awesome. This is pro-active, community-based wellness in action.

  Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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When Preparation meets Opportunity

Some people just seem to be so lucky or blessed.  Life just seems to go their way. Why so??  Why not me?

One view suggests that luck is passive, random and largely beyond one’s control. Good things might happen to me, but I do not cause them to happen.  Another view is that luck is less random and is often caused or encouraged by mindful intervention.

Steven Leacock has said, “I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more of it I have.” I think that being lucky in life largely occurs when preparation meets opportunity.

One can significantly increase one’s likelihood of good fortune in life by consciously maturing skills and attitudes that are useful in one’s line of work. Putting yourself at risk and exposing yourself to opportunity is also a major factor. So many people miss out on opportunities because they do not put themselves forward, often from the mistaken belief that they are not good enough.

 For your career or calling, start by learning your craft and developing your skills, observing closely the rules of the game in your profession and identifying influencers or key players in that area.  Start walking the walk and talking the talk. Be authentic and focused, but also be realistic. Unrealistic hopes are bound to disappoint; but realistic aspirations, deliberately planned, seem to yield “luckier” outcomes. This is the preparation part.

Next, start looking for those opportunities.  Put yourself at risk and expose yourself to situations where opportunities related to your calling or aspirations are present. Cause opportunity by going outside your comfort zone and try networking beyond your traditional circle of acquaintances. Invest some of your leisure time to researching in detail the more complex aspects of your goal.

An important ingredient of luck is to be in the right place at the right time, with the requisite skills.  Strategically do your preparation and imagine not only your next move, but your next several moves – having a plan doesn’t mean it will succeed, but it has to be better than having no plan at all.

It is no coincidence that those who work harder and smarter seem to be luckier. And once the ball starts rolling, luck seems to multiply and flow more easily.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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The If and When Myth

“I will be happy IF” … “I will be happy WHEN” doesn’t work or happen.  You get the desired outcome, have elevated spirits for a few weeks, months or at best a few years and then you are right back to where you were earlier. 

This natural occurrence of returning to your natural set point of wellness is called the hedonistic treadmill or hedonistic adaption.  We are like the hamster on the treadmill running quickly but getting nowhere, stuck. Changes in circumstance have a short term pay-off and then this new situation becomes the new normal.  The adaption makes you inclined to aspire for new achievements which then undermines the joy of the current achievement.  And then comparison sets in, and we see others with more or better or newer rewards and we are back to square one.

For me, appreciating and observing this adaption process countless times tamed the shopper in me and changed me.  Now I savour a few very special and thoughtful gifts, experiences or purchases and regularly just pause to be so grateful for those blessings. A multi-function travel watch, blue tooth headphones that meet my unique needs, Bolivia, colourful sandals that can go anywhere; these are special things that ring my well-being bell.

Experiment with your IF and WHEN expectations for well-being.  How long did your joy persist? Have you already replaced that desire with a new or more lavish wish?  If that IF or WHEN had not happened, would you really be any less pleased?

Letting go of IF and WHEN is most liberating as it puts one into the present moment where there is no IF or WHEN, only now.  Not wanting or waiting for something to happen to be achieved or owned means you have enough, and perhaps even a surplus.  Practice savouring things with serenity, re-thanking others for their awesome gifts, or remembering/sharing those powerful memories and milestones but again.  Sure, it is fine to want an IF or WHEN once in the while, but not always or to the determinant of what you already are blessed with.  Wonderfully, gratitude will improve your spirits and defeat the treadmill. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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For further reading, if you are interested just Google “Hedonistic treadmill”; there is no shortage of insightful sources for further insights here.

COMPASSION?!?

The idea of compassion has long intrigued me.  When I think of some of the Nobel Peace Prize winners (for example Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, the Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, Malala Yousafzai), I recognize compassion in action but I still do not know how I can be better at being compassionate. 

Looking up compassion in the dictionary (sympathetic consciousness for others' distress, together with a desire to alleviate it [Webster] or sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others [Oxford]) was helpful, but still did not connect with me, as it sounded so abstract. 

Finally, I read the wonderful and inspiring book “The Book of Joy” by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu and the simplest and most concise summary of compassion was provided, being:

Can I help?      

or     

How can I help?

Now, looking back at the Nobel Peace Prize winners I was able to identify the common theme to their character, a selfless willingness to help others, especially when the odds were stacked against them.

Regularly pondering how you can help others in your community or the world at large is an excellent step forward in practicing compassion. Science has found that compassion is contagious; when one is compassionate, others note the kindness and are also inclined to be equally caring - a ripple effect often expands outwards and multiples.

Compassion is the compliment to gratitude: combining an attitude of gratitude with “How can I help?” will make the world a better place.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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YOUR EXPLANATORY STYLE

Imagine the scene: something noteworthy happens to you, evoking an emotional reaction, and later that day you describe the event to a friend.  The way you explain this event goes a long way to summarizing your state of well-being, and how you view your circumstances in terms of being an optimist or pessimist.

One way of looking at optimism and pessimism is as different explanatory styles. An explanatory style means the way we explain our experiences or the events which happen to us. Research has found that optimists and pessimists have different explanatory styles.

Optimists attribute the cause of NEGATIVE events and experiences to external, specific,  and transient factors.  Pessimists do the opposite; they attribute the cause of bad events to internal, global and permanent factors. Interestingly, these positions are reversed when we explain POSITIVE events and experiences. Optimists think about good outcomes as being personal, permanent, and pervasive, whereas pessimists think the opposite (external, specific, and transient).*

But is this the end of the story for a pessimist? No!

Intentionally, you can challenge your pessimistic summary of events and experiences by changing one’s explanatory style.  One highly effective way of becoming more optimistic is to monitor your explanatory style and challenge the negative explanations you make. Psychologists call this disputing.  

It may sound pompous or naïve that when something wonderful occurs, do you take credit for it and presume it to be the new normal?  Or when things go poorly, do you assume that is it not your fault and an exception?  Or would you rather assume it is your fault, pervasive and permanent? Neither spin is the whole picture or anymore truthful.  But which framing perspective is more likely to make your life and situation more serene and well?

Dare to be intentionally hopeful, modestly proud, and grateful for your blessings.  Let go of ruminating about life’s missteps and taking them personally, assuming they will persist.  Being an optimist won’t necessarily change your life, but it will significantly improve how you experience your life. And isn’t that one of the goals of improved well-being.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: A Practical Guide to Positive Psychology: Achieve Lasting Happiness, Bridget Grenville-Cleave

FOLLOWERSHIP AND FELLOWSHIP

There is so much discussion and focus on leadership and leadership skills. If one listens to this chatter one might think there was a shortage of able and honourable leaders and a leadership crisis.  If there is a problem, is it at the leader or follower end of the spectrum?  Likely a bit of both, but it might be useful and fair to look at the followership issue.  As in sports, does firing the coach necessarily solve a team’s poor performance for more than a game or two, or are the players the more likely culprit?

Most of us will forever be followers, and escape the challenge of being a senior leader.  Heads of organizations need to make complex trade-offs, absorb immense information, meet countless people, travel tirelessly and work significantly longer hours than we do. Are we being fair, objective or informed?

 If there are leadership skills, there are also followership skills.  Let’s start with giving the leader the benefit of the doubt: maybe we need to second-guess question them less often.  Let’s appreciate the complexity of the choices and trade-offs that have to be made.  Do we use the same scale when we evaluate our own behaviors?   What about the fact the boss does not have perfect information, and has to make judgement calls and predictions?  Is it reasonable that we have a tendency to assume those in authority as having less moral or ethical character then we have?  Using hindsight to second guess the superior’s decision can be a little harsh. Let’s accept the fact that leaders, like followers, are trying their very best given their natural limitations.

 I am not suggesting that we blindly follow leaders.  Rather it is accepting that often those in authority will make different choices than we might.  Where we disagree, let’s invest the effort to get as informed on the matter as we can, or else hold our fire. 

 Followership is a willingness to give up power for a higher collective good. Being an excellent subordinate is more than team work and collaboration.  It speaks to the notions of letting go of power, independence and finding internal resources to make the process of being led more agreeable. 

 Followership and fellowship share many common themes; that of being cooperative, tolerant, fair minded, inclusive and deferring to others for the good of the larger entity.

 Better followership will lead to improved fellowship (including with the leaders) for those accepting their leaders and their leadership.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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MUST, SHOULD OR LETTING GO

“People SHOULD be polite and queue up properly!”, “People MUST NOT throw their litter carelessly about!”, “That person SHOULD NOT speak so loudly!”  You are totally right, but where is all this should, must and righteous disappointment getting you? Certainly to a less than joyful journey of life and perhaps an earlier grave.  Stressing about the lack of correct and more thoughtful behavior of others is such an easy TRAP to get into.  You are right, they are wrong but at the end of the day that other person likely is not going to change and more likely is not aware of your fussing and complaining.

An important ingredient of well-being is tolerance; letting go of the shortfalls of others (and yourself).  Letting go means letting go of MUST and SHOULD and replacing them with MIGHT, PERHAPS and better still, WHY DO I CARE or IT’S NONE OF MY BUSINESS. 

Clearly there are legal and moral imperatives where MUST or SHOULD totally prevails, but don’t become judge and jury unless these clear lines of acceptable conduct are crossed. Protest accordingly and assist in the enforcement of prescribed laws.  But let go of policing the small stuff, just ensure that you are acting in accordance with your values.

Tolerance and letting go are empowering and uplifting.  Not sweating the small stuff takes a lot off your emotional and stress workload.  Next time you see someone cutting in line, littering, being too loud or whatever is your issue, consider whether your fretting is getting you anywhere or likely to change the situation.

Letting go, meaning letting go. Re-focus your intolerance with an awareness of all the good that is going on around you which you were too busy ignoring. 

99+% of what is going around you is actually going perfectly well and in an orderly fashion.  Don’t let go of that awesomeness.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Do unto Others as You would have Others Do unto You (The Golden Rule)

The Golden Rule of life is expressed in many cultures and religions as an essential part of living and being part of a more meaningful life.

Being more thoughtful and aware of others has immediate payoffs and instructive rewards.  Consciously holding the door open, giving up your seat, letting someone else speak, complimenting someone, letting that car in or helping someone with their luggage all trigger an immediate sense that you are mindful, thoughtful and in the moment.  Being altruistic is one of the blessing largely unique to human beings, something that defines our humanity.  Selflessness elevates one spirit the same way gratitude also does.  An easy and obvious way to implement the Golden Rule is to be of service to others. Added together, gratitude, selflessness and service compound their benefits in improved wellness.

Cultivating the habit of being more selfless opens you to being more aware of the kindness of others.  If you want your world to be kinder and more whole, start from within and project thoughtfulness; over time other will notice and reciprocate in random and wonderful ways.  Also, observe and acknowledge the kindness of others that you receive. The world is much kinder than you imagine but you have to look out for the many blessings we receive.

The corollary or part two of the Golden Rule is equally instructive. Don’t do unto others what you would have others not do unto you.  Not doing something is often harder to do as we have certain unhelpful habits and manners which are unwelcome or hurtful.

The reward of the Golden Rule is the gold it bestows on you; kindness, purpose, wellness and being part of a larger, more meaningful world.  Start causing the gold and cashing in.

And pray for the Ukraine and Russia to find an equitable solution to this cruel situation.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Significance

There is a story about Mother Teresa (Noble Peace Prize 1979) being on an airplane and sitting next to a passenger who was extolling his amazing achievements; CEO of a huge company, possessions, fame, network of influential business leaders and fortune.  You know and can imagine the person.  He was unaware that the listener was Mother Teresa. 

Mother Teresa finally interrupted the gentleman by asking a simple question:  “What have you done that is significant?”  Despite his career highs; the thousands of adoring shareholders, the countless subordinates and employees and the awesome salary, he was silenced, deflated and probably disappointed or embarrassed. But where was his significance agenda? There is a natural tendency to pursue success and forget or negate significance.  Urgency overwhelms purpose, as ever larger survival urges overwhelm longer term wellness. 

Along your life journey regularly ask if there are opportunities for significance and higher purpose in your daily actions.  Start by thinking small and locally; do a random act of kindness, volunteer, put yourself out to help someone else, mentor a subordinate - seek simple service gestures, as these opportunities are countless.

One of the more powerful tools or habits that brings a sense of well-being and contentment is serving others.  It will improve your spirits, your local community and your world view.

Significance, and the purpose it engenders, encourages a cycle of improved wellness and wholeness. Significance encourages joy to flourish around and within you.  Start to look for significance opportunities, and you will find they are everywhere. 

Balance your life and career so you both do well (personal rewards) but also do good (benefit others).  “Doing good” is your significance agenda and challenge.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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NOW OLD

I have aged a bit since I was a youngster, one day at a time!  I can remember at the age of about ten wondering how I could possibly know as much as a twelve year old. How could my small brain hold any more information?  The same fear gripped me as I was finishing high school.  Fortunately it all worked out, and space was found for the new knowledge as it came.

As I got older (69), the notion of ageing forever amazed, puzzled and frightened me.  At twenty five, I imagined how ancient I would feel at forty.  At forty, I was sometimes the youngest person in the room and rather intimidated by my elders.  Along the way, I also speculated about whether this age must be my peak, and whether soon after everything would go downhill……. 

Can I share with you my personal truth? Those emotions and desires of so many years ago are dim compared to today; aging teaches you how to manage, maximize and savour situations.  I encourage you to replay a circumstance you are currently having, and re-live how you would have coped with a similar situation twenty years ago.

So, when I think of how old I am, I have decided that I am NOW OLD. Finally, after so many birthdays and years, I finally appreciate that there is only one age or moment that matters, and that is the present moment. 

Being NOW OLD means that dwelling on your age and aging is irrelevant, unhelpful and distracting.  The awesome thing about being alive is that only there is only one state of nature, the present, and every other time only exists as a memory or an expectation.  Start acting your age, which is NOW OLD.  Everyone else can also only live in their present moment, whatever page of their life journey they are currently in.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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WE ARE NOT OUR THOUGHTS

Here’s a frightening thought and fact - the average human has between 12,000 and 70,000 thoughts per day! Or between 500 and 3,000 per hour.  85% of our thought are negative, and 95% are repetitive (as in we had the same thought yesterday and again and again).

I used to think that me and my thoughts were the same and I was my thoughts.  Well, pick any number between 12 and 70 thousand thoughts per day, does that assumption sound reasonable?  Not really.  Our thoughts are just that, a less controllable response that is a reaction, observation, conjecture or feeling that comes out of the blue and goes nowhere.  Picking up on this fact there are two important insights.

First, whereas we cannot effectively or directly control our immediate thoughts, we are not helpless or hopeless.  I am my own THOUGHT POLICE!  When you watch a violent or disturbing movie, read about untoward events, willingly associate with troublesome individuals and guess what – these inputs become part of our thoughts and thought patterns.  Similarly if you mindfully seek out constructive and joyful circumstances then the frequency of unwelcome thoughts decreases and positive thoughts become more pronounced.

Second, whereas we are not our thoughts, we are our actions.  What you do is a reflection of who you are.  Watch your thoughts and note how some become actionable and others not.  What is that trigger between thought and action.  Observe it carefully.  Too often the trigger is the trade-off and tension between immediate pleasure and longer term and more permanent wellness.  Consider what urges you internally debate as you put the thought into a deed. Or what stops you from acting out a consider thought. Are you OK with these action monitors?

Taming so many thoughts is daunting assignment.  However, one can over time turn the tide positively by watching and managing your thought input diet.  Please actively monitor the medias (social, visual, print, audio) and ask whether this is a helpful or too many of the wrong thought calories. Healthier thoughts need healthier inputs and stimuli.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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THE POWER OF YOUR WILL

Have you noticed that some people have the determination of an ox (as the saying goes), and others give in to the smallest of temptations?   What distinguishes the one from the other is willpower.   Willpower is the power of your will and closely related to patience and deferred or delayed gratification.  Why are some so perseverant and others give in so easily? It doesn’t seem fair.

The psychologist and economist George Ainslie (specializing in drug addiction) visited the issue of willpower and wrote a fascinating book called “Breakdown of Will”.  He made the brilliant observation that willpower and self-control is the art of making the future appear much bigger and therefore more promising than the present or very near moment.  We all know about temptation and the dilemmas it creates in terms of indulging now or waiting; the trades-off between pleasure (short term) and wellness (longer term).

Ainslie used an example to highlight the willpower struggle.  In the distance you see a very tall building (long term goal or reward, well-being) but as you approach the high-rise it is dwarfed by a two story dwelling (short term reward or pleasure) such that the larger structure is obscured.  The willpower, temptation or addiction challenge is to focus on the taller building, even though for the moment it is not visible, and the immediate pay-off is right in front of you.  By being mindful of the larger but delayed reward one can confront temptation with resolve and the power of will.

Many of you may be familiar with the Stanford “marshmallow experiments” by Walter Mischel. In these studies, a child was offered a choice between one small reward immediately or two small rewards if they waited for a short period (approximately 15 minutes). In follow-up studies, the researchers found that children who were able to wait longer for the preferred rewards tended to have better life outcomes, as measured by  SAT scores, educational attainment, body mass index (BMI), and other life measures.  Young children with better will power, self-control, patience and deferred gratification skills were handsomely rewarded later in life.

The rewards of stronger willpower are immense; master the power of your will and pass the skill along to the next generation.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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FRIENDS AND DECISION MAKING

Imagine you have to make a major decision like choosing a life partner, a new job, or buying a home.  Behind all these opportunities is the same objective, being, will your choice improve your well-being?   You consider the pros and cons, costs and benefits, and worry yourself silly.  There is one problem in all this analysis, you are by design TOTALLY SUBJECTIVE and cannot reasonably make a proper conclusion.  Likely you will second guess yourself and lose your sense of perspective.  Here is where close friends or those with local knowledge can help you.  You have to ask the right person the right question.

 To start, don’t ask the obvious question which is, “Should I do x?”  This will make your advisor very reluctant to be candid, as they fear what they will say the wrong thing or they’ll be held accountable if you follow their advice and things go poorly.  In all likelihood you will get safe or evasive advice. 

 Instead, go back to the underlying issue, which is your well-being much later on.  Rather ask, “Do you think doing x will improve my happiness and well-being in a few years?”   This is a more speculative question which the respondent can more honestly and helpfully answer.  That person can reply using their personal knowledge of you or the matter at hand. Likely their answer will help you consider areas you had not imagined. Most importantly, they are concerned about your well-being but are more objective, as an outsider can see sometimes appreciate the issues as it affects you better than you can. 

 Besides asking the better question, choose the right person to ask.  If it is a new job, ask someone who is familiar with the position.  Moving, someone who lives there already, etc.

 Too often when we make big decisions we focus on the most obvious aspects of the opportunity and forget that it those smaller quirks that will make or break your later well-being.  Yes, the view is amazing (pay great, person is beautiful), but what are the neighbors or parking like as this will influence your long term wellness more than an awesome vista (or more income).  Others are much better at seeing or imagining the longer term consequences of your choices on your happiness and their objective or informed input should be wisely welcomed.

 Remember to keep your cup gratefully smaller.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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SCHEDULING KINDNESS

Look carefully at your most prized relationships and ask:  “What is the most essential ingredient in these relationships?”  Yes, love.  But love is a rather vague catch-all word.  How about kindness, patience and thoughtfulness?  Wouldn’t it be awesome if you gave and received these unconditional expressions of love?

 And what can we learn from research? What do you imagine to be the most important quality that women and men seek in a sustained relationship? David Buss tested over 10,000 people from 37 different cultures and concluded that consistently the most important attribute was kindness.*  Whereas this conclusion may not be surprising, it is certainly reassuring.  Kindness is  powerful and universally appreciated. It is valued in all our relationships and interactions.

In all our hurrying about, do we spend enough time being kind?  Do we speculate what random or deliberate acts of kindness we might do to improve another’s day?  The word LOVE is sung and wrote about, but is that really what the world needs more of?  Yes, love is wonderful, but how about just acting in a kind and thoughtful way?

An interesting way to bring kindness to life is to schedule or timetable it into your diary.   What explicit act of kindness would you partner appreciate? Then make it happen.  Rather than speculating or pondering it, be kind.

Kindness is an action word; it is something one actually does (or does not do).  Kindness can be seen and explicitly experienced by others.  Acting kindly requires one to think about or imagine someone else’s situation and directly engage with them.  Kindness and thoughtfulness are a team, with thoughtfulness starting the process. The Dalai Lama, when asked how to be kind had a simple suggestion, to ask authentically and unconditionally:

“How can I help you?”

 We as a species are described as manKIND.  Being kind is part of our job description. Let’s release our kindness and live up to our name and calling. 

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*:          Buss, David M. 1989. “Sex Differences in Human Mate Preferences.” Behavioral and Brain Sciences

PURPOSEFUL

Mindfulness is an essential ingredient for improved wellbeing. Being in the present moment, in the NOW, matters for sure. However, can we make that present moment even better? I would suggest that mindfulness can regularly be enhanced by adding a purposeful intention to it.

 Did you know that about 40% of what determines your happiness is up to you?* Your intentional, self-determined thoughts and perspectives are said to determine about 40%** of your experience of happiness.  You have around 40% control over how an event is perceived and emotionally experienced.  You have significant choice over how you react to the weather, the view out of your window or anything else in your present moment.  How you frame or reframe the present moment is significant.  Do you just react to events unconsciously, or do you deliberately set out to apply a certain mindset?

To tie these finding to mindfulness one needs to add a purposeful and focused intention to your present moment. Then,  subtly, one’s mindset can be improved.  While you are in your present moment you  can, with patience and practice, make it better by purposefully adding a positive mindset that speaks to you at that moment.

 This doesn’t mean that every moment you must be deliberately alert and attentive (which would be nice, but rather unrealistic).  Rather,  when a positive event comes your way, seize that instant.  Start looking for and causing wonderful NOW’s.  Choose to view events through a positive lens wherever possible.

 This 40% possibility does not negate that one’s present moment may have difficult, sad or unjust elements.  However, to ruminate and exclusively stay focused on the negative aspects can have troubling consequences.  There is much truth to the saying:

“Every cloud has a silver lining.”

You just have to look for that sliver of hope, to be open to a small possibility of a positive outcome.  Call this possible (or purposeful) thinking rather than positive thinking, finding at least one hopeful aspect of that present moment. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change, Sonja Lyubomirsky, Kennon M. Sheldon, David Schkade, Review of General Psychology 9(2):111-131 · June 2005

**:  Just to close the loop, a first 50% of your happiness potential is determined by your genes (rather fixed or set points) and the last 10% comes from your personal circumstances (health, wealth, the life you live, etc)

AMUSEMENT

Amusement is one of the ten recognized positive emotions* (along with: Gratitude, Hope, Joy, Love, Pride, Serenity, Awe, Inspiration and Interest ). I often seem to overlook or forget this wellness experience.  Amusement in this context is defined as:  

Something non-threatening, non-serious , that unexpectantly happens that makes you laugh.  A joyful surprise.*

Has the world become too sophisticated and sanitized, forgetting to embrace such an innocent and almost naïve feeling?  In a cynical age, it isn’t very cool to be amused by small things: being dark, moody and rather above such things gets you far more kudos in this world. Perhaps our expectations and standards about what will surprise us or make us laugh have become too high and demanding.  What happened to just being curious, light-hearted, and alive in the present moment? 

 Amusement is an important emotion as it connects us to others: it is contagious. The non-threatening, non-serious, unexpectant nature of amusement creates a safe, welcoming space for improved social engagement.

 Amusement also entails a willingness to be joyfully surprised.  It requires us to drop our judgemental, defensive guard.  Just maybe things are going well, and we don’t want to admit it. Embracing awe and wonder in a proactive manner empowers the other nine positive emotions to come into their own.  

 Unfortunately, our surprise potential may have become jaded.  The daily news cycle where mis-fortune and mis-justice is “praised” and normalized has dulled our senses to beautiful things and experiences.  Amusement and surprise are admittedly uninteresting and not newsworthy, but enormously real and personal. Amusement, like awe and serenity, requires humility and a willingness to accept and embrace our smallness and insignificance.  And that is one of the most essential steps to mindful wellness.

There are so many opportunities to be mindfully amused and joyfully surprised, all within easy reach, if you are willing to risk being in the awesome present moment.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson

I MAKE IT A HABIT TO BE……

Habits are a powerful tool to help (or undermine) your wellbeing.  A habit can be used as a vehicle to change your attitudes and improve your circumstances.  An effective way to program your mind is to complete the mantra: 

I make it a habit to be …………….*

 The missing last word is the idea or attitude you want to program into your daily rituals and awareness.  You might add: 

happy,  joyful, patient, grateful, loving

or whatever intention speaks to you

To make this habit become the more likely default you  should chose a specific attitude and stick with it for a very long time.  Eventually this idea will become your more automatic state of mindfulness.  Make this phrase, with your personalized intention, the first semi-conscious thought as you awake.  Those precious waking moments do set the tone of the day.

 Note, this habit ritual can also work against you, if you unconsciously select a negative or unhelpful thought to complete the above phrase.  It is easy to default to:

fearful, angry, impatient, overwhelmed, melancholy

 and not surprisingly these troubling thoughts can set your day in motion, but in a less hopeful direction.

The adjective that I have used for years, is HAPPY.  Consider the phrase:

I make it a habit to be HAPPY.

 As I wake up, I remind myself that I have chosen to be HAPPY.  I will choose to confront the early minutes of each day with as much HAPPINESS as I can muster.  Once the momentum has been put into action, the HAPPY equilibrium is set for the day.  It is accepted that  there will be setbacks, but HAPPY becomes the prevailing mindful state.   

 Choose your intentional thoughts and turn them into habits. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please share freely and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

*: Inspired by a quote and thoughts from "The Power of Positive Thinking" by Norman Vincent Peale, 1952