HARBOURING VS. LETTING GO OF THE PAST

This site is called Smallercup and suggests you should have a smaller cup to improve your well-being.  But what is in the cup?  The assumption is something positive, but sometimes what we are holding in our cup and our soul is anything but that.

A serious challenge to your well-being is the malice and ill-will you may harbour inside.  A silent but real anger against someone or something will prevents a positive sense of self to emerge.  Someone seriously crossed your bottom lines, or a point-of-view totally violates your sense of right or justice and you are stuck in anger, resentment and poison. Your cup is neither full, empty nor smaller, just disappointed and vengeful!

First, if your cup has any toxins in it, it will be difficult to materially improve your well-being.  Desmond Tutu noted that we “all face the same choice: to forgive or to seek revenge”.  Letting go is not easy, but not letting go of your real and valid misfortunes is going to corrupt your life journey.  Revenge will absolutely get you nowhere other than backwards.

Second, letting go does not mean forgetting, rather it means forgiving the wrong or wrong doer and moving on.  And perhaps even forgiving yourself.

Third, letting go of your wrathful poison will release you from the prison of your past. Obsessing and replaying past transgressions rots you from the inside out.  Unfortunately, you become a prisoner of your past.

Fourth, harbouring negative feelings to specific individuals taints the way you see people generally, how you see the world, and how others see you.  

Five, harbouring disappointment about the past limits your achievements in the present and the future, as it can undermine your confidence and willingness to take risks and chance success.

Six, letting go of those aspects of your past allows for healing and moving forward.

Seven, letting go always allows for resilience to mature.

It is very unlikely there is anyone that does not have moments they wish they could erase from their past, so you are not alone.  Awfulizing, re-playing, second guessing, and harbouring those past moments doesn’t undo the damage. 

However, there is much merit in cognitive behavioral therapy to free you of these matters and help you let go.  PLEASE do see a specialist to help you move on if you are stuck.  

Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

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HOW LONG IS NOW?

With so much mention about “being in the now or moment” it seems a fair question to ask: ”How long is now?”  NOW is defined as the length of time that you can be aware of something before your awareness moves on to something else. Different estimates abound, ranging from one to ten seconds long, averaging between two and three seconds for each discreet NOW moment. (1) 

That means you experience between 10,000 and 20,000 NOWS during each waking day. However you remember almost none of these NOW moments.  Does this forgetfulness dismiss the importance of being the moment?  NO! 

As Bill Keane, the cartoonist of Family Circle said in 1984:   “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a GIFT.  That’s why it’s called the present.”

At any one moment there are three different NOW selves potentially engaged. These selves are your experiencing (present) self, your remembering (past) self and your planning (future) self.  Each of these selves is fighting for your awareness.  Unfortunately the past (regretting) self wins most of your NOW awareness, followed the future (worrying or anxious) self and the present (mindful) self just hangs around being rather dis-engaged.

You cannot productively use all those three second moments as present gifts, but you can improve re-prioritise your mind to think more effectively.  Whereas 99.9% of these NOWs are fleeting, deliberately engage with the 0.001% of them (about 20 per day) and make them real and alive.  Bring a smile to your face.  Pause, take a breath, look about and engage as many of your senses as you can. Once in the while cause a NOW moment to become a genuine memory worthy of sharing with others and remembering for a few days.  Do something exciting, uniquely different and spontaneous.  And make it your mission at least four or five times a year to create a celebration that you will use to frame the year by.   This isn’t taking a selfie and putting it on your Facebook, but rather experiencing something that you will privately cherish and smile about as you re-count this year several years later.  Cause some NOW milestones!!

Annually you have around five million NOW moments, so make some of these present moments a gift to yourself.

 Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

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(1): Marc Wittmann, Felt Time: The Psychology of How We Perceive Time, (MIT Press, 2016)

THE MARRIAGE POSITIVITY RATIO

Being married or in a committed primary relationship is a puzzle with an amazing prize.  Figuring out how to make the relationship work beneficially for both parties is challenging but well worth the effort.  Members of constructive, happy, primary relationships have improved health, well-being, longevity, resilience and income. (1) One renowned psychologist expanded on the finding of a colleague and made the following empirical finding:

Psychologist Barbara Fredrickson discovered that experiencing positive emotions in a 3-to-1 ratio with negative ones leads people to a tipping point beyond which they naturally become more resilient to adversity, and effortlessly achieve what they once could only imagine. (2)

Another psychologist John Gottman, however, found a different ratio in a different context. He found that for a marriage to succeed, there must be at least five times as many positive interactions in the relationship as negative ones, a 5:1 ratio that Gottman dubbed the “magic ratio,” more commonly known as the “Gottman ratio.” (3)

If you put these two ratios together side by side, you immediately understand why marriage is so tough. We demand a 3:1 positivity ratio for all our daily experiences, except in our marriage, from which we demand even more. In that sense, we all behave more sternly toward our partner, and we judge them far more harshly than we judge mere acquaintances. Maybe if we understand that, we could give our partner a little bit of a well-deserved break, and maybe marriage would not be quite so tough. (4)

Acts of kindness and expressions of gratitude towards your partner sometimes go undone or unsaid because of the busyness of life.  Similarly, partners can judge the other too frequently or bluntly.  Time to go back to the basics: pro-actively love your partner as yourself.

 Reflection Source:  www.Smallercup.org

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(1): Ilona Boniwell, Positive Psychology In A Nutshell: The Science Of Happiness (McGraw-Hill, 2012)

(2): Barbara Fredrickson, Positivity, www.positivityratio.com.

(3): John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail . . . and How You Can Make Yours Last (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1994)

(4): Chade-Meng Tan, Daniel Goleman, Jon Kabat,  Search Inside Yourself: Increase Productivity, Creativity and Happiness [ePub edition] 

SUNK COSTS

Over my career I have marked literally thousands of exams (or scripts as they say in the UK), and one answer tops them all for originality.  The question asked:

“What is a sunk cost?” and the student replied: “A cost that does not float.”

 Putting aside this wonderful (but wrong) answer, the notion of sunk costs is a difficult matter to implement. A sunk cost is a cost (event, decision) that one has made in the past and cannot be changed.  The merit of sunk costs is that one should LET GO of past decisions and mishaps and not let them influence current or future choices, as they are irrelevant (as one cannot change the past).  A past mistake or regret should not justify or influence your current choices as this past event is sunk (irrevocable) and cannot be undone.

The past is an important and essential part of your life, full of wonderful events and decisions, but also includes regrettable mistakes and sad memories.  Wishing you had done something differently or completed something you quit will not undo reality.  These bygones are sunk and forever gone.    

 This does not mean that one should ignore the past.  No, your history is an excellent lesson as to what you might learn from prior actions and what to do better in the future.  Rather than wishing you had not bought those shares or sold so soon, consider what this teaches you about your current holdings.  Wishing you had or had not said something is also pointless, but what does this suggest about the next time you are in a similar encounter?  What exactly did you do wrong? Learn the lesson, apologize if you can, and then move on.

  Just like there are sunk costs, there are also MANY MORE sunk benefits.  This is when you did something right and the result exceeded your expectations.  Spending more time reflecting on your successes and what your wins can teach you is a far more productive and satisfying way of reviewing your past. 

 Reframe your past by learning lessons from both your past mistakes and your past successes, but remember you cannot change the past, so don’t live or re-live it.     

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CELEBRATE or RUMINATE?

Memories can be both blessings and curses.  When you reflect on your past, do you celebrate or loath these past experiences?  Do you recall the wonderful or the unhappy peaks?  Do you treasure the blessings or ruminate endlessly on your misfortunes?  You have control over what and how you recall your past.  You can frame your yesterdays as a series of disasters, or windfalls, or a blend of both. 

 Ruminating is a curious habit that we all engage in, especially in relation to the unfortunate moments in our lives.  You re-play that scene where you said, did or failed to say or do something, and speculate how life would be better had you acted differently. You beat yourself up in an endless cycle of remorse and “What ifness!!”  You are tied to your past in a most unhelpful and generally dysfunctional internal debate.  Honestly, what a waste of time and effort: nothing can or will change.

 So what is the remedy? Celebrate your past!  For every mis-step there are many more proper steps and happier endings. Just as you can frame your present circumstances in a more positive light, you can also frame and re-frame your past to include more fortunate memories. 

 It is indeed difficult to accept some of the injustices and unfairness that we are dealt, but to ruminate on these events only makes matters worse. Better to focus on what you can learn from these situations, seek justice where possible, let go and move forward.  But more importantly, actively celebrate your past successes, awesome moments, good luck and serendipitous blessings. 

 Yes there were aspects of last year that went less well but there were far more incidents that exceeded your expectations. When you talk about your job, travels, weather, dinner party, encounters with others, please let us not re-play the mis-steps.  Rather, talk more about your success, the sunsets, sunny days, amazing desserts, awesome re-collections, museums and the fantastic landscapes.  Celebrate your past, what when well and let go of ruminating.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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THE 83% MONA LISA SMILE

"The Mona Lisa gives us a hint about the desirable or optimum level of happiness. Scientists recently computer-analyzed the emotions expressed in this famous lady's face, and concluded that she is 83 percent happy, 9 percent disgusted, 6 percent fearful and 2 percent angry. Interestingly, we find that people who are happy, but not perfectly so, do well in many domains of life. Perhaps Leonardo da Vinci was onto something, and the widespread appeal of his famous painting may be due to the fact that his lady projects the look of success."*

If Mona Lisa was 83 percent happy, that does suggest that it is okay to be 17 percent of the time in a melancholy or bad mood.  Too much joyfulness and you may be willfully blind to some of the harsh realities of life.  Being anxious is a good thing if it is a buttress to your happiness.  Negative emotions can keep you in check and alert you to others and to risks around you.

 If you are fortunate enough to be in that 30% of the general population that would describe their current situation as happy, you are encouraged to allow for some negative emotions to keep you centered.  If you are verging on classifying yourself as happy, perhaps you imagine that happiness is being always in a state of wellness and joy.  Having a bad hair day now and then is good for you and a realistic expectation and reality. 

 Wellness does not mean your life is perfect and without obstacles. No, you will experience setbacks and misfortune, but the advantage of wellness is that you have RESILIENCE.  You bounce back, don’t harbor anger, let go and see what you can learn from those challenging moments and experiences. 

 If you know someone who seems to be one of those lucky 30 happy folks, do allow them the liberty of the occasional frown.  And if you are in the other 70 percent who imagine yourself unhappy, you may be in that optimum zone, but have unrealistic expectations of what is as good as it gets.

 *: "Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth" by Ed Diener, Robert Biswas-Diener

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PEAK – END RULE

Imagine you had a choice of either:

-         Experiencing a rather unpleasant experience for five minutes, with the worst moments about three minutes into the process,  or

-         Experiencing the same unpleasant five minute ordeal, but with another two minutes added of a slightly less unpleasant but tolerable experience (seven minutes in all).

 Or consider this choice:

-         A one week vacation at an exclusive destination with all the amenities, indulgences, experiences you fancy, or

-         A two week vacation, for the same cost in a nearby destination, which is pretty amazing but not over the top.

 Nobel economist Daniel Kahneman researched these types of options and noted generally that, using the above choices, the longer unpleasant experience or the shorter vacation were the preferred options.  He summarized this research and coined the term PEAK-END RULE. What we REMEMBER is the most intense or peak moment (whether pleasant or unpleasant) and the last moment.  We don’t necessarily forget the other details; we just tend to describe the encounter by the best and last events and overlook much of the other occurrences. If I think back on certain episodes in my life, then it was the best or worst moments and how it finished that I remember and retell.

 This is a rather powerful insight and has influenced my travel style.  I now pay much more attention to the last day of my travel and how I get back home.  I more willingly splurge on doing those things that are unique but can be pricey. I don’t try to stay away longer but now focus on staying away better.

 Managing experiences and CAUSING AND CREATING MEMORIES is an amazing opportunity for a well lived and remembered life.  What you remember can have a powerful positive effect on your well-being.

 Going forward, plan your peak and end experiences deliberately and manage carefully how you finish.  Make it a goal to finish well.  Create wonderful final recollections and reduce disagreeable endings where possible - that is a manageable undertaking, and well worth seizing.

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FIGHT, FLIGHT or ??

We have all heard the saying it is either fight or flight when in a tense situation.  We imagine these are the only two alternatives but fortunately there is a third choice, which is to PAUSE and reflect on the situation.  Certainly, up until about 200 years ago the threats to your person were very real and ever present, so being alert was a good idea.  But today, such risky encounters are rare, so neither fight nor flight may be the right thing to do.

 I have learnt the hard way that the binary nature of fight or flight is not a good idea.  By nature, I tend to opt for fight and let anger get the better of me in a tense situation. I remember many of my angry moments with regret as the penalty can be serious and even career limiting.   Flight was not in my character and the moment overtook me. For others, they regret flight and not standing up to a challenge.

 Then the notion of PAUSE occurred to me.  When things went pear shaped, I took a step back and reflected on what was going on. I considered whether anger or flight were a good idea or whether better still, maybe things were not as I imagined them to be. 

 Indeed, more likely than not it was my imagined view of the situation that was wrong.   Pausing to access the situation often made me realize my assumptions about the facts were incomplete, biased, overly emotional or just plain irrational and self-centered.  Allowing time to reflect and contemplate the consequences of my actions was so timely, but something I did not do in the past.

 In psychology, what I am describing is called cognitive behavioral therapy (or CBT*).  Pausing and deliberately re-framing your reactions into a more thoughtful, objective, less emotional or personalized response certainly takes the sting out of many tense situations.  Pausing lets you find the middle route where you see opportunities for growth, reduced conflict and harmony.

 The pause button is on all videos for good reason, it allows you to freeze the moment.  Hit your pause button (count to ten) when the going starts to get weird and overly emotional, it can save a lot of grief later on in life.

 *:  There is a huge body of research and practice related to CBT, do check it out, especially if you are fight inclined.

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SMALLER CUP - REVISITED

I started SmallerCup six months ago. I thought now might be a good time to pause and review these reflections and consider what some of my learned or reinforced thoughts are about the theme of a Smaller Cup.

 First, my view that a smaller cup enhances life is more strongly held than ever.  The nearer to three quarters full my cup is the more fortunate and positive my perspective becomes.

 Second, knowing my cup is smaller but fuller instinctively makes me more grateful.  And an attitude of gratitude is the BEST MEDICINE for wellness available.

 Third, having a smaller cup is not an end, but rather a means to an improving my overall circumstances. Setting challenging and attainable goals is much easier if I am already in a state of relative completeness.

 Fourth, a smaller cup keeps me living in the present moment as I feel blessed.  I avoid being too focused on the future.

 Fifth, a smaller cup encourages more to take smaller (baby) steps on my life journey.  Thinking in terms of smaller steps makes overall improvement more likely, and setbacks are less disconcerting.

 Sixth, a smaller cup provides me with more occasions to experience purpose and achievement.  Having modest ambitions for improvement allows for more moments to savour incremental success.

 Seventh, thinking in terms of a smaller cup overturns the fight or flight, win or lose, full or empty, zero sum philosophy.  I feel a sense of relief, pausing and re framing the choices I can make in a more constructive and optimistic way.

 Eighth, a smaller cup is a more sustainable and rejuvenating perspective.  The smaller cup constrains me from becoming too ambitious and assuming that more is necessarily better.  Driving myself to forever pursue significantly more or better can become like chasing my own tail.

 Ninth, a smaller cup perspective encourages me to pause and see more dimensions of my well-being.  I experience a more balanced, measured and multi-dimensional life.  Please focus on your smaller cup, it will help you through your day and life.

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RESILIENCE

Recently I visited a museum which aimed to highlight the living conditions of the local working class population at various time intervals in history – it went back to 1805 and then each subsequent house advanced on another 50 years. What immediately struck me was how primitive and harsh life was back then, and more alarming still, two of the examples were from 1955 and 1985 in the UK.  Some of the examples had no flush toilets, hot running water, central heating, vacuum cleaners, colour TV or many of the other conveniences we assume are necessities today.

 I speculated that life then had as many wonderful and special moments of joy and wellness as we have today.  Then, as now, likely 30% of those living in the UK would have rated their life as very happy (see May 10 Reflection, THE EXCHANGE RATE BETWEEN MONEY AND WELLNESS).  Once the hurdle of serious poverty is overcome, more money does not translate into more wellness. 

As I looked at these simpler environments of earlier generations, I admired the bravery and determination of those bygone years and wondered what the missing link today was?   Resilience and tenacity, I concluded.  Life was tough, creature comforts were limited, but people still got up in the morning with purpose and a smile.

 Unfortunately, today we seem to expect comfort and convenience or else we complain.  Rather than looking inside for purpose we turn to Amazon or the internet for a remedy.  A better prescription would be resilience.  Training one’s resilience occurs when one mindfully adjusts to and positively embraces your current circumstance, especially when it is less than ideal. 

 Being without something you want, savouring the longing and then resolving that you are better without it matures your emotional suppleness and makes you a better person.  Being determined to want less and being grateful for what you have demonstrates what your real needs are.  This focuses your tenacious energy to do what is necessary to achieve your higher goal. 

 Wonderfully, exercising one’s resilience and tenacity is, of itself, empowering, joyful and uplifting.

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BEING and/or DOING?

We seem to spend so much time doing that we forget we are human beings not human doings. But how does one get from doing to being? By recognizing that the only thing we have is the present moment – the past is past, and the future is still ahead of us. We need to live in the NOW.

 There are two cycles we are perpetually involved in: the doing and the being aspects of life.  The DOING, DO, DONE loop of life is important but it should not overwhelm the BE, BEING sequence.   Regularly one should acknowledge that actions and busyness are FINISHED and it is time to smell the coffee and savour and relish the moment.

 Just being in the moment means appreciating what has been done, being quiet, and being at peace.  It means consciously stopping and evaluating before you go from one relentless task to another. That is what NOW is all about.  Regularly taking an inventory of your blessings, achievements and progress settles the spirit and improves your well-being.

 Forever pursuing tasks and doing more is exhausting and is well served with the occasional reflective moments.  Maybe meditation is not your cup of tea, but invent your own calming exercises.  Setting aside chill out breaks recharges the brain, encourages creative thinking, problem solving and well-being. 

 Four of the ten positive emotions (Reflection of February 26th) are about experiencing and being in the moment.  They are: amusement, awe, inspiration and interest.  Being in the now means engaging your various senses to non-judgementally savour and capture whatever is around you.  Challenge yourself to smile, find beauty and joy in what is going around you.   There are so many grand things going on around and within you, but maybe you just aren’t seeing them. 

 Challenge your powers of observation to record the amusing, awesome, inspiring and interesting things about your present moment. You might find this very hard to begin with, but practice makes it easier, and it will improve your mood and probably your productivity too!

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PLEASE, THANK YOU AND SORRY

I was recently at a meeting where a young parent spoke about one of his prouder parenting moments.  He glowed as he noted that his two and three year old children said “Please” and “Thank you” sincerely when the occasion warranted it. 

 Together with “Sorry”, “Please” and “Thank you” are some of the words that we would all would like to hear spoken more often in society.   Saying please, thank you and sorry graciously, unconditionally and with sincerity speaks volumes about an individual’s character. These three terms also give us insight into how an individual views their current situation and themselves. We instinctively warm to people who do not think of themselves too highly, and who show proper respect towards the feelings of others.

 Please show respect as it honors the responder and reflects that you are in need and obliged to someone else.  Thank you shows gratitude, one of the attitudes most essential to well-being.  Thank you affirms your helper or donor and opens them up to being helpful in the future.  Unfortunately making mistakes is part of life, such is the human condition.  To say sorry is not license to continue to offend others, but it does start to remedy a hurt.  Saying sorry recognizes that you are aware that you have hurt others and wish to reduce their discomfort.  Sorry also admits your human frailty as you accept responsibility for your shortcomings. Being mindful of possibly being sorry keeps you alert to others and their feelings. 

 Unfortunately there is too little expression of please, thank you and sorry today. Rather, many feel entitled, selfish and indifferent to the plight of others.  Make it your habit to follow the example of those who sincerely, graciously and unconditionally say the magic words, “PLEASE, THANK YOU and SORRY” whenever they fit the situation. 

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GOOD CRAZY

Everyone has a natural comfort zone, a range of events and behaviours where one feels at peace.  I eat almost the same breakfast every day and watch the news before going to bed most evenings.  These rituals and habits are rather boring, but they work for me. 

 But where is the excitement and now of the moment?  To supplement this static existence I seek out what I call “GOOD CRAZY”.  Good means not harmful to oneself or others, and more likely beneficial and uplifting.  Crazy suggests carefree, random, other than usual and most importantly fun.  Added together, good crazy affords immense scope to be in the moment, happy and feeling alive.

 There is so much opportunity for adventure and joy in the present moment if one only steps outside one’s comfort zone.  Why not pay a compliment to a colleague, buy a thoughtful gift for a friend, take a different route home or have a different breakfast?  These little tweaks to our regular patterns makes the day feel more memorable and real.

 Good crazy unlocks so many chances to do wonderful things for others or oneself.  One wonders why we don’t naturally seek to do more spontaneous good.  Perhaps it is because we are on automatic pilot or just too comfortable being other than crazy. 

 Some people assume that if others were to act more in the moment that might imply doing wrong or evil things.  My observation is that there is so much more privatized goodness eager to be expressed than evil.  Going more public with one’s immediate positive emotions will release much wellness.  Being good crazy is about empowering goodness, but please contain those bad crazy impulses.  

 Experiment with your good crazy zone, it will likely improve your circumstances.  To slightly paraphrase Lou Reed, “Walk on the wilder side”. 

 Risk a little good crazy to spice up your life.

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WHAT ARE THE LIES YOU BELIEVE?

Unfortunately we are all cursed with at least a few limiting beliefs. 

  I’m NOT good/pretty/smart/strong/young/slim/rich ENOUGH!!

 We firmly cling to these beliefs without questioning their truthfulness, relevance or merit.  Many of these limiting beliefs are lies and mistruths which we nonetheless make true in our lives.  We act out these misconceptions of ourselves until they are realized and we become a more limited version of ourselves.

 These lies which limit our potential have two telling features the words NOT and ENOUGH. Each should be carefully disputed.  Unraveling the likely lies is very empowering.  Many things of interest in life are not black or white.  Perhaps you are not the best at something, or even that great at it, but that does not mean you are therefore terrible or poor: there is lots of scope for being below average, but still okay.  The word ‘enough’ is even more dangerous and potentially damaging.  Who decides what the standard is for a sufficient amount? 

 Carefully address those views of yourself which hold you back.  Are your views of your own ability too low, or your expectations of what is good enough too high?  Yes, eventually you will discover that there are certain skills or attributes that you are not blessed with and should probably not pursue: you cannot excel in everything.  Furthermore, if you have some legitimate limiting beliefs you ought to also have many more valid empowering beliefs.  A major part of my SMALLER CUP perspective is being aware and grateful for your gifts, whilst underplaying the importance or your shortcomings. 

 A rule I have used after taking my personal inventory is:

 Go with my strengths but MANAGE my weaknesses.

 A long time ago I identified and chose to believe in my gifts and abilities, seeking out opportunities to use them proactively and converting these blessings into my calling and employment.   By manage my weaknesses, I mean being mindful of instances where my weaknesses are potentially exposed and either behaving cautiously in that instance, or purposefully avoiding those situations, people and careers.

   Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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WHERE SHOULD I START?

So many times I have had a sense of feeling overwhelmed, not knowing what to do next or how.  And then I remember one of the more clever song lines from of all places, the Sound of Music!  Julie Andrews sang:

  “Let start at the very beginning - a very good place to start.”

 I learned this lesson on the first day of my professional career, when I was given a task for which I had no training (and a charge out rate of $16/hour, which was a lot of money in those days).  I spend the rest of that day and the start of the following day just puzzled and totally overwhelmed.  And then it dawned on me what the problem was: I did not know where to start.  So I started at what was the obvious first step. I have seen the same challenge countless times when students complete exams: they don’t know where to begin an exam question.

 Acknowledging that one does not know where to start is very helpful when it comes to problem solving.  So often we start in the middle or near the end of the solution process, only to backtrack, go sideways and finally come up with a mediocre conclusion. 

 Mindfully pausing, carefully defining the challenge, admitting to yourself you are lost and deliberately planning a way forward, can seem so unnatural.  But it works!! Eventually seeking out the origin of the problem and an organized sequential path forward might become your pattern of problem solving and decision making.

 Pausing and planning is a very efficient and effective strategy. Carefully defining the first few steps in the solution process works very well.  Then check the task regularly to see whether you seem to be on the correct path.

  Starting at the beginning is a very good place to start.

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RUNNING FASTER or FURTHER?

When you run alone you, you run fast. But when you run together, you run further and more joyfully**. 

 Often going it alone is faster and more convenient, but does it feel better?  Doing things collaboratively can be awkward and slower, but doesn’t it feel more soulful and inclusive?

 Having been a lecturer for over thirty years, one of the most noticeable changes in the classroom culture is the focus on teamwork and co-operation.  Calling one’s colleague a team mate, doing things as groups, seeking out the quiet one, looking for input from many sources – these are just some of the improvements I can see from the more solo learning environment of my youth.  Observing from the outside, I notice a sincere and organic group learning ethos. What an impressive change! 

 I was reading about one of the most challenging sporting events around: the 26.2 mile marathon. This October, Eliud Kipchoge will attempt an amazing feat in London, trying to break the 120 minute barrier. What really struck me was that he was going to have many pace runners who would join him for short stretches and then retire.  This companionship would motivate, calibrate and rejuvenate him.  Clearly, even for marathon running, running together enables you to run more purposefully and joyfully.

 Is life about going faster or further? Is it about being first, or is it about the process as much as the destination? 

 Wellness is a process, not a destination; if you are solely focused on the end result, the actual reward will be short-lived and quickly forgotten.  Remember to err on the side of joyful and savouring experiences over efficiency, rewards or awards.  Seek out opportunities to do things with others.

 **:  Thank you my dear friend Joseph Pereira for this wonderful quote

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MEDITATION

A prominent psychiatrist (Jonathan Haidt) noted that there are essentially three ways to change one’s mind and mental health: counselling (using proven techniques like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), medication (using drugs like Prozac), or meditation.**  If one reviews the literature about positive psychology, there is a broad consensus that meditation is an excellent way to improve one’s mental health, and indeed, many religions encourage meditative practices.

I remember when I first tried Transcendental Meditation (TM) in 1972 it was almost a cult ritual, full of mystery, rules, protocols and DON’Ts (and cost $25).  I stopped soon enough, as it was so demanding, inflexible and prescriptive.  Last year I gave meditation a second go (for free), and it was so much easier to get started – there is so much literature around about mindfulness, including many exemplar meditations online, that it was easier to find practices that spoke to me. The MBSR course (Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction) has some excellent materials available, and these courses are widely run across many parts of the world, being non-religious in their approach.  This time I stuck with meditation.  If I lost concentration I was gentle encouraged to re-focus and continue, which I have.  After 66 habit-forming days, the pattern of chilling out continues.

So what are some of my observations about the benefits of meditation? The first is that it encourages me to pause and re-frame my thoughts when times are anxious or tense.  Rather than fight or flight, I PAUSE and eventually do neither.  Being calmer is easier.  It gives my mind a chance to relax, which improves problem solving, planning, and creativity. I have a chance to observe my thought patterns, which are often pretty fixed and recurring, in a non-judgemental way, rather than always being at the mercy of my reactions. Despite taking time out of my day, at the end of the day I am more relaxed. I something feel a little self-conscious when asking for some time to chill out, but other than that, the benefits far outweigh the constraints on my time.

Learning to meditate is easy and convenient, requiring as little as 10 minutes a day.  A useful link to learn the breathing meditation technique is (sorry about the short ad you can skip at the start):

   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMMerxh_12U  

Be kind to yourself as you will lose concentration frequently, but with some practice you will come up with your own preferred meditation practices and hopefully, see some real benefits.

**:  The Happiness Hypothesis, Jonathan Haidt, page 43

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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HESITATION AND THE FIVE SECOND RULE

Who doesn’t hesitate at least occasionally, if not often?  While in a warm shower, who wants to get out?  A few more minutes in bed?

“I should phone so and so.” “I should start the painting”.  We have all been there a hundred times. Joseph Addison wrote the often quoted line, “He who hesitates is lost,” yet we persist in our inability to move on or engage.

Hesitation is a combination of reluctance, fear and pleasure (short term,) prevailing over wellness (long term).  Hesitation is costly not only in lost time, but more importantly opportunities foregone.

One day I accidentally came across the simplest, most effective and cheapest solution to the hesitation dilemma.  Mel Robbins coined The 5 Second Rule* and my, does it work.  When you are in one of those hesitation situations you simply say,

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1, GO”

and you enact whatever you are delaying, fearful of, or debating.  Get out of the shower, bed, say hello, leave or whatever.  Mel got the idea from watching a rocket launch where they say 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, LIFTOFF and so she launched her own career as a motivational speaker on overcoming hesitation. Why 5 to 1, not 1 to 5?  That is part of the success formula, as counting up has no limit but counting down does hit a limit, and you have no alternative but to go.

I have shared this effective remedy with others and it really works.  Soon you appreciate that over thinking, stopping, and second guessing yourself are just defense strategies to avoid your current situation.  And then you learn that whatever you are reluctant to do was actually not that bad – you just have to get started sometimes – and that is the hardest bit.

I heartily recommend the video link below for more inspiration:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSn-L9IXbOY

5, 4, 3, 2, 1, GO  and click the link above (I dare you).

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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THE POWER OF YOUR WILL

Have you noticed that some people have the determination of an ox (as the saying goes), and others give in to the smallest of temptations?   What distinguishes the one from the other is willpower.   Willpower is the power of your will and closely related to patience and deferred or delayed gratification.  Why are some so perseverant and others give in so easily? It doesn’t seem fair.

The psychologist and economist George Ainslie (specializing in drug addiction) visited the issue of willpower and wrote a fascinating book called “Breakdown of Will”.  He made the brilliant observation that willpower and self-control is the art of making the future appear much bigger and therefore more promising than the present or very near moment.  We all know about temptation and the dilemmas it creates in terms of indulging now or waiting; the trades-off between pleasure (short term) and wellness (longer term).

Ainslie used an example to highlight the willpower struggle.  In the distance you see a very tall building (long term goal or reward, well-being) but as you approach the high-rise it is dwarfed by a two story dwelling (short term reward or pleasure) such that the larger structure is obscured.  The willpower, temptation or addiction challenge is to focus on the taller building, even though for the moment it is not visible, and the immediate pay-off is right in front of you.  By being mindful of the larger but delayed reward one can confront temptation with resolve and the power of will.

Many of you may be familiar with the Stanford “marshmallow experiments” by Walter Mischel. In these studies, a child was offered a choice between one small reward immediately or two small rewards if they waited for a short period (approximately 15 minutes). In follow-up studies, the researchers found that children who were able to wait longer for the preferred rewards tended to have better life outcomes, as measured by SAT scores, educational attainment, body mass index (BMI), and other life measures.  Young children with better will power, self-control, patience and deferred gratification skills were handsomely rewarded later in life.

The rewards of stronger willpower are immense; master the power of your will and pass the skill along to the next generation.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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BEING IN THE FLOW

We have all been in the flow** and relish these moments.  This is where one is engaged in an activity which is both high in challenge, but matched with a high level of personal skill.  Awareness of time disappears, one is totally absorbed in the task at hand and in a state of peace, joy and total presence in the moment.  In sports, the experience of flow is described as being “in the zone”.   The importance of having a high degree of personal control over your circumstance makes the flow that much more authentic.  By contrast, the opposite of flow is apathy or boredom, where one is using few of one’s skills, and the level of task challenge is low, with generally limited autonomy.

There are challenges to being in the flow, and they can be overcome.  A good place to start is to appreciate the importance of deliberately combining high levels of challenge and skill together.  The synergy of skill and challenge can motivate you to design part of your career or leisure time to allow for more flow situations. 

Creatively and carefully look at your job or leisure time and consider where there are opportunities to develop new skills or challenging opportunities.  Look at some of your more frequent but boring or less satisfying obligations and see if they can be re-engineered to being more skillful or challenging.  I disliked the exams marking aspect of university lecturing.  Subsequently I re-engineered the exam papers, questions, answer booklets, grade allocation/calibration, marking pens, marking space and work space arrangement such that grading was more skillful and properly challenging (though never a joy).  Also see where there are opportunities for increased autonomy and design activities for skill improvement and challenge.

The awesome thing about flow is that by deliberately embedding it into your daily rituals, your occupational and intellectual well-being improves (two of the seven aspect of wellness).  

**: Mihály Csíkszentmihályi coined and researched flow extensively.  The TedTalk video noted below provides more details on flow:

www.ted.com/talks/mihaly_csikszentmihalyi_on_flow?language=af

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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