PLEASE, THANK YOU AND SORRY

I was recently at a meeting where a young parent spoke about one of his prouder parenting moments.  He glowed as he noted that his two and three year old each said “Please” and “Thank you” sincerely when the occasion warranted it. 

 Together with “Sorry”, “Please” and “Thank you” are some of the words that we would all would like to hear spoken more often in society.   Saying please, thank you and sorry graciously, unconditionally and with sincerity speaks volumes about an individual’s character. These three terms also give us insight into how an individual views their current situation and themselves. We instinctively warm to people who do not think of themselves too highly, and who show proper respect towards the feelings of others.

 Please show respect as it honors the responder and reflects that you are in need and obliged to someone else.  Thank you shows gratitude, one of the attitudes most essential to well-being.  Thank you affirms your helper or donor and opens them up to being helpful in the future.  Unfortunately making mistakes is part of life, such is the human condition.  To say sorry is not license to continue to offend others, but it does start to remedy a hurt.  Saying sorry recognizes that you are aware that you have hurt others and wish to reduce their discomfort.  Sorry also admits your human frailty as you accept responsibility for your shortcomings. Being mindful of possibly being sorry keeps you alert to others and their feelings. 

 Unfortunately, there is too little expression of please, thank you and sorry today. Rather, many feel entitled, selfish and indifferent to the plight of others.  Make it your habit to follow the example of those who sincerely, graciously and unconditionally say the magic words, “PLEASE, THANK YOU and SORRY” whenever they fit the situation.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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WHAT IS YOUR NOW?

One of the more critical experiences of wellness is being in the present moment rather than dwelling in the past or speculating about the future.  Our past self has special skills of ruminating and regretting past transgression.  Our future self is trained to worry and anxiously anticipate what might go wrong or be less successful.  This begs the question as to what our PRESENT mindfulness is.

 Contrasts are useful for depicting the range within our emotional reactions.  For instance, I like the emotion of being amused and its opposite for me is being annoyed.  Amusement is being curious, alert and open to unexpected and delightful things that are happening to me at this present moment. Being annoyed starts with critically judging whatever you are experiencing and letting life’s imperfections overwhelm the wonder of that moment.

 What emotions do you naturally use to frame your present moment?  Do you come from wonder, curiosity and praise or is judging, desiring perfection and being critical your default reflex?  Being mindful in the present moment is a challenge.  Deliberately selecting a frame of mind can enhance and enable being in a better place.  I have experimented with various emotional adjectives and found that being AMUSED jump started my immediate moment.  Rather than having a blank canvas for the present moment, just adding a touch of amusement opened up so much grandeur and joy.  Try starting with amusement, and then change and add being annoyed.  Doesn’t everything about the moment change?

 How you frame your PRESENT is an awesome thought experiment and experience.  Maybe amusement does not work for you, so then actively seek out your preferred positive mindset. Next, play around with related feelings and add even more context around that momentary flash.  Being in the present moment is uplifting and with limited effort the present can be expanded, deepened and prolonged.  Own your NOW, and make it yours. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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DOOMSCROLLING

Do you ever find yourself following a news topic on the internet that has unsettling overtones?  At the start of the Covid crisis, I found myself doing just this. Unfortunately, the news cycle profits from promoting troubling topics.  Our curiosity is twigged by the unusual or traumatic, and sometimes others’ misfortune gives us comfort and a sense of shared misery if we are feeling hard done by. 

 News has become a form of entertainment, where someone else’s tragedy or circumstances become interesting, but without the engagement of our empathy or compassion. We can read it and move on.  Often these articles can generalise and rely on poor statistical extrapolation.  Remote and one-off occurrences can seem frightening and more likely to happen to us than is really likely: they become an exaggerated risk to us, as part of a human population of over eight billion. 

 I have just learned recently that this is called doomscrolling* or doomsurfing.   Doomscrolling refers to the tendency to surf or scroll through bad news, even though that news is saddening, disheartening, or depressing.  Eventually doomscrolling can lead to heightened levels of anxiety and a distorted sense of reality. If we are not careful, we can find ourselves doing this late in the evening, and then it can start to affect our dreams and our sleep. 

 What intrigued me about my own doomscrolling was that when looking at the same topic from different news sources it suggested that there were parallel universes at play: the same event can be reported very differently by different  news sources.  Not only was my doomsurfing unsettling, but I was becoming a pawn in a divisive ideological battle over the truth.  Complex issues were reduced to the least number of variables, and only those facts that suited a particular narrative were presented.

 How do you manage web surfing and scrolling to control the doom dimension?  To begin, acknowledge that you are doing it, and manage this addiction at the start by doing it less frequently.  Next, de-couple from the internet thirty minutes before going to bed.  Leave your smart device outside the bedroom.  Deliberately choose the issues you follow and news sources you use.  Most importantly, acknowledge your keenness to dwell on the doom and gloom and look for alternative uplifting news.  Perhaps you can use Judge Earl Warren’s suggestion as a  doomscrolling guide:

 I turn to the sports page first, which records people’s accomplishments.  The front page has nothing but man’s failures.

 *: The Macquarie Dictionary as the 2020 Committee's Choice Word of the Year.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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MINDFULLY QUEUEING

Is it just me, or am I spending more time in longer queues these days? Remember when getting on a flight was a 45-minute event?  Check-out lines seem to be longer and slower, even with bar codes.  And a 10-minute delay on your car journey was the exception, not the rule!  While delays have become longer and more frequent, my patience seems to have become shorter and less kindly.

 Recently I decided that my reaction to queueing was raining on my parade, and something needed to be done as the problem was not going away.  What I noted was that my annoyance reaction was very regular, escalating and predictable.  What are those emotions that swell up when I see the queue?  Taking an inventory, they included being impatient,  annoyed, frustrated, trying a short cut or switching queues (which rarely works), being judgemental, alleging incompetence and throwing in a bit of rage in for good measure.  Later on, I always felt a sense of disappointment in myself that I let the matter get the better of me.  And finally, after ventilating my frustration with others, I realized that the delay was inconsequential.

 Knowing these and other reactions were coming up when the inevitable line-up presented itself, I now try to mindfully go through these cascading feelings without actually expressing them.  Curiously and wonderfully, if I mindfully know that soon I will be angry, annoyed, judgmental and unkind these emotions seem to become less menacing or prolonged.  However, by mindfully acknowledging that I am disappointed at being the ninths (or the ninetieth) person in the queue does seem to make the delay feel shorter and helps me to avoid over-reacting.

 Logically and rationally, we know that impatience is rarely helpful.  Therefore,  allow yourself the mindful escape of imaging these emotions without actually going through them.  And the next time you are in a swelling queue, take a deep breath and acknowledge that momentary impatience without letting it get the better of you.

  Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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GOOD CRAZY

Everyone has a natural comfort zone, a range of events and behaviours where one feels at peace.  I eat almost the same breakfast every day and listen  to same news cast most evenings.  These rituals and habits are rather boring, but they work for me. 

 But where is the excitement and now of the moment?  To supplement this static existence, I seek out what I call “GOOD CRAZY”.  Good means not harmful to oneself or others, and more likely beneficial and uplifting.  Crazy suggests carefree, random, other than usual and most importantly fun.  Added together, good crazy affords immense scope to be in the moment, happy and feeling alive.

 There is so much opportunity for adventure and joy in the present moment if one only steps outside one’s comfort zone.  Why not pay a compliment to a colleague, buy a thoughtful gift for a friend, take a different route home or have a different breakfast?  These little tweaks to our regular patterns makes the day feel more memorable and real.

 Good crazy unlocks so many chances to do wonderful things for others or oneself.  One wonders why we don’t naturally seek to do more spontaneous good.  Perhaps it is because we are on automatic pilot or just too comfortable being other than crazy. 

 Some people assume that if others were to act more in the moment that might imply doing wrong or evil things.  My observation is that there is so much more privatized goodness eager to be expressed than evil.  Going more public with one’s immediate positive emotions will release much wellness.  Being good crazy is about empowering goodness, but please contain those bad crazy impulses.  

 Experiment with your good crazy zone, it will likely improve your circumstances.  To slightly paraphrase Lou Reed, “Walk on the wilder side”. 

 Risk a little good crazy to spice up your life.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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THE ASK

For several years I was involved in a not-for-profit organization, where fund raising was a continuous challenge and necessity.  What I learned early on about fund raising (internally called revenue development) is that if you never ask donors for funds, you rarely get a donation.  One of the more common replies from potential donors was, “You never asked, so I never gave.”  So we asked and they made a contribution (often sizable) to our cause. 

 Asking can be unsettling and uncomfortable, but it does get results.  Asking certainly works better than not asking.  As Wayne Gretzky said:

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

And so it is with not putting in your request: it won’t happen if you don’t ask.

 Asking, if done sincerely and respectfully, empowers the asker. It reflects your authority and confidence in yourself by admitting you are in need of assistance.  The helper has a skill or resource you are in short supply of, and can feel privileged to be of assistance to you.  Being an asset to someone else enables the helper to actively show compassion and love, a true honour.  Asking is not a sign of weakness; rather an admission that you have limitations and cannot do everything.

 A useful introduction to an ASK request is to openly acknowledge that the other person may have other demands on their time or resources.  Start by saying,  “I know you are busy but were you to have time could you ……”  This shows you are mindful of their agenda and soften the imposition of your need.  This will materially improve the overall effectiveness of your request.

 To make your request more valuable ensure that you express appreciation for the help you received.  Saying “Thank You” makes the asking cycle complete, as it uplifts the other person.  Without an explicit thanks, asking can make the helper feel taken for granted and depreciated rather than appreciated.

 It’s okay to ask, just do it respectfully

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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SELF-MOTIVATED

Sandra Richter noted:

“The difference between work and play is who is making you do it.”*

For most of my career I would describe my employment arrangement as being paid to play.   How so??

First, I absolutely convinced myself that I enjoyed what I was doing . In particular, I reminded myself how fortunate I was when I was doing the least preferred aspect of my job (marking assignments).

Second, I became obsessed with being self-motivated.   I was at play, not work. I wasn’t working for the man; I was working for me. I wanted to be doing what I was doing.

Third, I set small daily goals so I could continuously achieve them. A daily to-do list of a few goals kept me focused and I regularly got the enjoyment of crossing chores off.

Finally, I forever sought out and nurtured new opportunities, which were either challenging or improved my craft. 

The opposite of being self-motivated is  being unenthusiastic, indifferent or disinterested.  These are easy mindsets to fall into and do nothing for your well-being.  As you go down this road of emotions, your present and future experiences can easily become more and more dire and unsatisfactory.

Central to converting my career into an amazing calling was the idea of being self-motivated by telling myself:  I wanted to be doing what I was doing; I actively enjoyed what I was doing, and I mindfully understood that I had to reinforce the cycle of doing and enjoying what I was doing.  This self-perpetuating cycle of being self-motivated can be applied to most things you do, whether it is mowing the lawn, doing the dishes or whatever chore you are engaged in. 

Challenge yourself to be enthusiastic, keen and energetic about whatever is before you.  Being positive is a habit which requires mindful practice and patience to mature but the wellness pay-off is immense.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*:          The Epic of Eden: A Christian Entry into the Old Testament by Sandra L. Richter

WHAT KIND OF KINDNESS?

What do you imagine to be the most important quality that women and men seek in a sustained relationship? David Buss tested over 10,000 people from 37 different cultures and concluded that consistently the most important attribute was kindness.*  Whereas this conclusion may not be surprising, it certainly is reassuring. 

Kindness can be described as the quality of being friendly, thoughtful, generous and considerate. However, have you ever thought about how kindness (like its more directed and personal cousin, LOVE) has different ways of being expressed or actualized?

The Five Love Languages** suggests that one can express love or kindness to your partner or others in at least five different manners.  I like to summarize them as the four “T’s” : Time, Touch, Talk and Things [gifts]) and one “D” (deeds).  The clever point of this taxonomy is that we tend to express or be kind/loving to others based on how we like to be loved or receive kindness. 

However, by our nature and make up, we have a preference as to how we best appreciate being loved.  For example, your partner may long for spending time with you as this is their love language, but you are a deeds person and like to show your affection by doing things for that special person.  What happens is a miscommunication, your partner indulges you with their time and your reward them with deeds.  Yes, these acts of kindness are appreciated, but not as well as the person doing these actions had hoped for.  You may even become frustrated as your kindness seems to go unacknowledged.  Sometimes, the favorite form of kindness for one partner may be the least appreciated by the other and the effectiveness of one kindness may even become a source of friction.

As there is no correct love language and one preference is hard wired, what can be done?  I suggest you learn what the love language of your partner is and learn how to speak and express your kindness in that manner.  It isn’t hard to change the way you express your love, and similarly consider experimenting with being kind in different ways.  I ABSOLUTELY recommend the Five Love Languages book noted below, it without a doubt was the most insightful relationship books I have ever read (and implemented).   Well worth the read and insight it affords.  You may well discover you are talking different languages, which is relatively easy to adjust to and accommodate.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*:          Buss, David M. 1989. “Sex Differences in Human Mate Preferences.” Behavioral and Brain Sciences

**:        "The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts"  by Gary D Chapman

BEFRIEND YOUR ENEMIES

Enemies are dangerous, they are much less harmful as your less favourite friends.

 There are two important messages in this simple line. The loudest one is that the very idea of an ENEMY is bad for your well-being. Enemies consume your attention and energy, and distract you from your chosen path. Enemies invoke feeling of hatred, or wishing harm to another.

 Secondly, enemies can easily define you. Wishing or imaging vengeance undermines you and eventually this “enemy” captures you.  What is even more unfair is that this “enemy” may be unaware of your disdain, which make you the victim of your own anger, not them. 

 Yes, there are some people who are not my friend, and I would not choose to spend extra time with them, but hate them, NEVER.  I describe them as my least favourite people. Yes, it does says in the Bible to love your neighbor, but it does not say anywhere that you have to like them.

 A difficult but useful strategy I use when someone gets classified as my “least favourite person” is to actively mediate (or pray) for their well-being.  Yes, they may have offended me, but I find it easier to hope for their wellness than ponder their misfortune.  Projecting positive emotions on to my offender almost immediately allows me to let go of the offence that hurt me and move on.  Allowing that person or deed to get under my skin starts to define me, which only makes the injury or offence worse.

 So the next time a wrong or offence occurs to you, try to quietly wish the person well and feel compassion, not anger or hate.  It is much wiser to be defined by one’s own measures and choices, rather than be defined by the actions and opinions of others.  The best solution is to be able to define oneself on your own terms.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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HESITATION

Who doesn’t hesitate at least occasionally, if not often?  While in a warm shower, who wants to get out?  A few more minutes in bed?

“I should phone so and so.” “I should start the painting”.  We have all been there a hundred times. Joseph Addison wrote the often quoted line, “He who hesitates is lost,” yet we persist in our inability to move on or engage.

Hesitation is a combination of reluctance, fear and pleasure (short term,) prevailing over wellness (long term).  Hesitation is costly not only in lost time, but more importantly opportunities foregone.

One day I accidently came across the simplest, most effective and cheapest solution to the hesitation dilemma.  Mel Robbins coined The 5 Second Rule* and my, does it work.  When you are in one of those hesitation situations you simply say,

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1, GO”

and you enact whatever you are delaying, fearful of, or debating.  Get out of the shower, bed, say hello, leave or whatever.  Mel got the idea from watching a rocket launch where they say 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, LIFTOFF and so she launched her own career as a motivational speaker on overcoming hesitation. Why 5 to 1, not 1 to 5?  That is part of the success formula, as counting up has no limit but counting down does hit a limit, and you have no alternative but to go.

I have shared this effective remedy with others and it really works.  Soon you appreciate that over thinking, stopping, and second guessing yourself are just defense strategies to avoid your current situation.  And then you learn that whatever you are reluctant to do was actually not that bad – you just have to get started sometimes – and that is the hardest bit.

I heartily recommend the video link below for more inspiration:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSn-L9IXbOY

5, 4, 3, 2, 1, GO  and click the link above (I dare you).

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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HUMAN BEING OR HUMAN DOING

So what are you, a human being or a human doing?  To improve wellness should you focus on being or doing? Certainly sounds like there is a difference and it is more than semantics. 

A human doing would likely be DOING; busy, active, focusing on the immediate task and what to do next. Worrying, anxious, perhaps in the flow, but only marginally, in what might be a mindful or joyful moment.  The future or past often overwhelms the present moment.

And the human being would likely be BEING; existing mindfully in the moment, NOW, feeling blessed, calm and at peace.  Yes, there is a future and a past, but now is NOW, the moment matters.

It feels like BEING is a noun state of existence and DOING is a verb state of existence.  One of the biggest challenge to wellness and peace is to find and be in a BEING state of mind regularly and profoundly; society values so highly the DOING state of mind that you forget to BE in the here and NOW.  How many times have you heard, “Smell the coffee.” or “Life is about the journey, not the destination.” 

Being active and engaged is absolutely essential and valuable, but always acting in a state of action denies the present moment its due respect and purpose.  Regularly taking time out to observe your situation and circumstance, to pause and see the glory of your present moment; to be thankful; to reflect on your very existence; to seek out something wonderful, unique, curious, special and worthy of sharing.

Recently I observed the doing versus being dilemma.  A friend went on a hike to the top of a hill with a splendid view of Rhossili beach.  My friend,  while observing the view, was mindfully anxious of the decent and fretted about the way down.  This somewhat diminished the grandeur of the amazing panorama display below us.  She eventually got into the BEING moment and let go of the DOING future scramble down and found peace and awe (and a selfie moment).

Actively and purposely doing the act of BEING is what makes you a human being and lets you escape the endless pursuit of activity and what to do next. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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The Pleasure or Wellness Decision Rule

So often in life we have difficult decisions or trade-offs to make. We agonize over whether or not to accept a job offer, buy that new car we have been thinking about, accept that invitation to a party, or even eat that tasty pastry. Yes or No? We can go back and forth.

One useful decision rule might be whether the YES response would bring you or I pleasure or well-being. On the one hand, pleasure is immediate, momentary, and gives one joy right now. Conversely, well-being is sustained and gives you less immediate joy, but more wellness in the future.  Saying NO may mean denying immediate pleasure in favour of longer term well-being. 

When you choose pleasure rather than wellness, you should be mindful of the consequences of that immediate hit of ecstasy.  You need to weigh that against the more important goal of a life of wellness.  Often a dose of pleasure is what you need to relax or enjoy the present moment.  Forever pursuing wellness can get trying, so manage the pleasure versus wellness trade-off carefully and mindfully. 

For those choices which are of limited consequence, sure, it’s fine to lean towards pleasure, but as soon the consequences can become serious, wellness MUST prevail.  Making better trade-offs and living within constraints is a major part of improved well-being.

Mindfully saying YES to wellness and NO to pleasure is a useful re-framing exercise and will take the stress out of many of the choices you have to make. Deferring gratification is similar to delaying pleasure and reaping well-being; a nobler place to be in the longer run.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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For further reading:  The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living by the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler, Page 35

You Experience Tens of Millions of People Every Day!

Look at whatever you are holding or using this very moment.  Perhaps it is a pen, a phone, a cup of coffee or an article of clothing.  How many people were directly involved in making that item, going right back to its basic raw material, assembly, transportation, trading and selling of these components and finished goods?  Then add those people indirectly involved in this item, those that had invented and assembled the tools required for its production.  And then add those involved in the various other supply chains required for that item to be in your hand this very moment.  Certainly tens or hundreds of thousands were involved in just this item, not to mention the many others things you interact with today. Added together just for today, I am sure well over 10 million people made your day happen. 

SO WHAT??!! Anyone who imagines themselves to be self-reliant and independent overstates their self-importance or significance.  We interact with all these people and need each other for our very existence.  Their effort, touch and presence allowed for your day. 

If you are interconnected with that many people every day, should you be selfish and uninterested in their wellbeing?  Or appreciate their input into your wellness?  You are so inter-connected with and in need of others that their well-being should be part of your mindfulness and concern. 

Being kind, thoughtful and respectful of others will make your life more human and meaningful.  Similarly, today tens of millions of people indirectly experienced you.  Wouldn’t it be nice if they acted kindly, thoughtfully and respectfully towards you?  Making others day and life better WILL equally improve your situation and condition. 

Truly, what goes around, comes round.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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WHAT ARE THE LIES YOU BELIEVE?

Unfortunately we are all cursed with at least a few limiting beliefs. 

 I’m NOT good/pretty/smart/strong/young/slim/rich ENOUGH!!

 We firmly cling to these beliefs without questioning their truthfulness, relevance or merit.  Many of these limiting beliefs are lies and mistruths which we nonetheless make true in our lives.  We act out these misconceptions of ourselves until they are realized and we become a more limited version of ourselves.

 These lies which limit our potential have two telling features the words NOT and ENOUGH. Each should be carefully disputed.  Unraveling the likely lies is very empowering.  Many things of interest in life are not black or white.  Perhaps you are not the best at something, or even that great at it, but that does not mean you are therefore terrible or poor: there is lots of scope for being below average, but still okay.  The word ‘enough’ is even more dangerous and potentially damaging.  Who decides what the standard is for a sufficient amount? 

 Carefully address those views of yourself which hold you back.  Are your views of your own ability too low, or your expectations of what is good enough too high?  Yes, eventually you will discover that there are certain skills or attributes that you are not blessed with and should probably not pursue: you cannot excel in everything.  Furthermore, if you have some legitimate limiting beliefs you ought to also have many more valid empowering beliefs.  A major part of my SMALLER CUP perspective is being aware and grateful for your gifts, whilst underplaying the importance or your shortcomings. 

 A rule I have used after taking my personal inventory is:

 Go with my strengths but MANAGE my weaknesses.

 A long time ago I identified and chose to believe in my gifts and abilities, seeking out opportunities to use them proactively and converting these blessings into by calling and employment.   By manage my weaknesses, I mean being mindful of instances where my weaknesses are potentially exposed and either behaving cautiously in that instance, or purposefully avoiding those situations, people and careers.

   Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Celebrate What is Right with Your Present Moment

How do you view a half full cup? Happy full, half empty or needing a smaller cup?

What matters is the point of view you bring to your present situation.  When you read the newspaper, visit a news website, or watch/listen to a news cast, you will notice that these tend to focus on what is wrong with our world.  Only the sports pages exalt our achievements, but then with a biased perspective. Sadly, the world seems addicted to this negative narrative and perspective, rejecting a more positive perspective as naïve or Pollyanna-like in nature.

Celebrate what is right with your situation; seek out the excellence, bounty and blessing within your present moment.  Change your point of view, change your lens of life, and seek out with the positive - RIGHT NOW!  One of the most wonderful aspects of looking for the positive is that there are many perspectives and ways to view each situation in a better light. Once you identify these, risk being in awe of them.  Don’t analyze these blessings with a critical eye and destroy the mystery, but rather enjoy them without the cynicism that seems to have invaded our cultural perspective.

While you are in the spirit of celebrating what is right with your present moment, reflect on those who you are close to, and acknowledge their good points and how they improve your present situation.  Be prepared to marvel and appreciate the good around you. 

For every wrong, failure or weakness you observe, deliberately look for an equal number of kindnesses and strengths to CELEBRATE.  This conscious reframing of your present moment will reward you with wellness.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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For further reflection:  Please do listen to the TEDx Talk by Dewitt Jones called “Celebrate what’s right with the world!” Well worth the 18 minutes of your time.

THE CAMP SITE RULE

The campsite rule is: “When you leave the campsite, try to make it a little neater, cleaner, and better then when you arrived.  Take away a little more litter than is yours.”  

 Whereas I don’t camp much (almost never), I apply this rule to the community I live in.  The world is too weird, complicated, confused and often angry, but my local and immediate community does not have to be that way.  At the end of the day we spend at least 99% of our life in a very small, confined and intimate world of our home, local community and workplace. 

Rather than fretting too much about the unfairness of the geo-political world, why not focus a lot of your attention and effort on your rather small world and seek to make it kinder, friendlier and tidier.  Your nicer local campsite makes the larger world more tolerable and accommodating.                            

I have a habit of seeking out litter as I walk along; picking it up.  Smile at the clerks in the shops that you frequent.  Greet the bus driver with a Hello and say thanks when you get off.  Hold the door open in the elevator.  Help strangers who seem lost.  Give up your seat on the bus or train.  Let that car that is try to cut in, in. Seek out ways to make your neighborhood a better place. Start an uplifting and positive conversation with that person standing next to you. Your community is your campsite, deliberately make is a nicer and friendlier place.

 It may seem trivial and unimportant but, at the very least it makes you a little prouder and more positive about your world.  Curiously and wonderfully, over time your immediate surroundings will feel more like home.  And your example may inspire a few others, and that is how change happens.    

 Think globally but act locally.  Make your campsite more awesome. This is pro-active, community-based wellness in action.

  Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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When Preparation meets Opportunity

Some people just seem to be so lucky or blessed.  Life just seems to go their way. Why so??  Why not me?

One view suggests that luck is passive, random and largely beyond one’s control. Good things might happen to me, but I do not cause them to happen.  Another view is that luck is less random and is often caused or encouraged by mindful intervention.

Steven Leacock has said, “I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more of it I have.” I think that being lucky in life largely occurs when preparation meets opportunity.

One can significantly increase one’s likelihood of good fortune in life by consciously maturing skills and attitudes that are useful in one’s line of work. Putting yourself at risk and exposing yourself to opportunity is also a major factor. So many people miss out on opportunities because they do not put themselves forward, often from the mistaken belief that they are not good enough.

 For your career or calling, start by learning your craft and developing your skills, observing closely the rules of the game in your profession and identifying influencers or key players in that area.  Start walking the walk and talking the talk. Be authentic and focused, but also be realistic. Unrealistic hopes are bound to disappoint; but realistic aspirations, deliberately planned, seem to yield “luckier” outcomes. This is the preparation part.

Next, start looking for those opportunities.  Put yourself at risk and expose yourself to situations where opportunities related to your calling or aspirations are present. Cause opportunity by going outside your comfort zone and try networking beyond your traditional circle of acquaintances. Invest some of your leisure time to researching in detail the more complex aspects of your goal.

An important ingredient of luck is to be in the right place at the right time, with the requisite skills.  Strategically do your preparation and imagine not only your next move, but your next several moves – having a plan doesn’t mean it will succeed, but it has to be better than having no plan at all.

It is no coincidence that those who work harder and smarter seem to be luckier. And once the ball starts rolling, luck seems to multiply and flow more easily.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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The If and When Myth

“I will be happy IF” … “I will be happy WHEN” doesn’t work or happen.  You get the desired outcome, have elevated spirits for a few weeks, months or at best a few years and then you are right back to where you were earlier. 

This natural occurrence of returning to your natural set point of wellness is called the hedonistic treadmill or hedonistic adaption.  We are like the hamster on the treadmill running quickly but getting nowhere, stuck. Changes in circumstance have a short term pay-off and then this new situation becomes the new normal.  The adaption makes you inclined to aspire for new achievements which then undermines the joy of the current achievement.  And then comparison sets in, and we see others with more or better or newer rewards and we are back to square one.

For me, appreciating and observing this adaption process countless times tamed the shopper in me and changed me.  Now I savour a few very special and thoughtful gifts, experiences or purchases and regularly just pause to be so grateful for those blessings. A multi-function travel watch, blue tooth headphones that meet my unique needs, Bolivia, colourful sandals that can go anywhere; these are special things that ring my well-being bell.

Experiment with your IF and WHEN expectations for well-being.  How long did your joy persist? Have you already replaced that desire with a new or more lavish wish?  If that IF or WHEN had not happened, would you really be any less pleased?

Letting go of IF and WHEN is most liberating as it puts one into the present moment where there is no IF or WHEN, only now.  Not wanting or waiting for something to happen to be achieved or owned means you have enough, and perhaps even a surplus.  Practice savouring things with serenity, re-thanking others for their awesome gifts, or remembering/sharing those powerful memories and milestones but again.  Sure, it is fine to want an IF or WHEN once in the while, but not always or to the determinant of what you already are blessed with.  Wonderfully, gratitude will improve your spirits and defeat the treadmill. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

For further reading, if you are interested just Google “Hedonistic treadmill”; there is no shortage of insightful sources for further insights here.

COMPASSION?!?

The idea of compassion has long intrigued me.  When I think of some of the Nobel Peace Prize winners (for example Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, the Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, Malala Yousafzai), I recognize compassion in action but I still do not know how I can be better at being compassionate. 

Looking up compassion in the dictionary (sympathetic consciousness for others' distress, together with a desire to alleviate it [Webster] or sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others [Oxford]) was helpful, but still did not connect with me, as it sounded so abstract. 

Finally, I read the wonderful and inspiring book “The Book of Joy” by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu and the simplest and most concise summary of compassion was provided, being:

Can I help?      

or     

How can I help?

Now, looking back at the Nobel Peace Prize winners I was able to identify the common theme to their character, a selfless willingness to help others, especially when the odds were stacked against them.

Regularly pondering how you can help others in your community or the world at large is an excellent step forward in practicing compassion. Science has found that compassion is contagious; when one is compassionate, others note the kindness and are also inclined to be equally caring - a ripple effect often expands outwards and multiples.

Compassion is the compliment to gratitude: combining an attitude of gratitude with “How can I help?” will make the world a better place.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

YOUR EXPLANATORY STYLE

Imagine the scene: something noteworthy happens to you, evoking an emotional reaction, and later that day you describe the event to a friend.  The way you explain this event goes a long way to summarizing your state of well-being, and how you view your circumstances in terms of being an optimist or pessimist.

One way of looking at optimism and pessimism is as different explanatory styles. An explanatory style means the way we explain our experiences or the events which happen to us. Research has found that optimists and pessimists have different explanatory styles.

Optimists attribute the cause of NEGATIVE events and experiences to external, specific,  and transient factors.  Pessimists do the opposite; they attribute the cause of bad events to internal, global and permanent factors. Interestingly, these positions are reversed when we explain POSITIVE events and experiences. Optimists think about good outcomes as being personal, permanent, and pervasive, whereas pessimists think the opposite (external, specific, and transient).*

But is this the end of the story for a pessimist? No!

Intentionally, you can challenge your pessimistic summary of events and experiences by changing one’s explanatory style.  One highly effective way of becoming more optimistic is to monitor your explanatory style and challenge the negative explanations you make. Psychologists call this disputing.  

It may sound pompous or naïve that when something wonderful occurs, do you take credit for it and presume it to be the new normal?  Or when things go poorly, do you assume that is it not your fault and an exception?  Or would you rather assume it is your fault, pervasive and permanent? Neither spin is the whole picture or anymore truthful.  But which framing perspective is more likely to make your life and situation more serene and well?

Dare to be intentionally hopeful, modestly proud, and grateful for your blessings.  Let go of ruminating about life’s missteps and taking them personally, assuming they will persist.  Being an optimist won’t necessarily change your life, but it will significantly improve how you experience your life. And isn’t that one of the goals of improved well-being.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.

*: A Practical Guide to Positive Psychology: Achieve Lasting Happiness, Bridget Grenville-Cleave