FIGHT, FLIGHT or ??

We have all heard the saying it is either fight or flight when in a tense situation.  We imagine these are the only two alternatives but fortunately there is a third choice, which is to PAUSE and reflect on the situation.  Certainly, up until about 200 years ago the threats to your person were very real and ever present, so being alert was a good idea.  But today, such risky encounters are rare, so neither fight nor flight may be the right thing to do.

 I have learnt the hard way that the binary nature of fight or flight is not a good idea.  By nature, I tend to opt for fight and let anger get the better of me in a tense situation. I remember many of my angry moments with regret as the penalty can be serious and even career limiting.   Flight was not in my character and the moment overtook me. For others, they regret flight and not standing up to a challenge.

 Then the notion of PAUSE occurred to me.  When things went pear shaped, I took a step back and reflected on what was going on. I considered whether anger or flight were a good idea or whether better still, maybe things were not as I imagined them to be. 

 Indeed, more likely than not it was my imagined view of the situation that was wrong. Pausing to access the situation often made me realize my assumptions about the facts were incomplete, biased, overly emotional or just plain irrational and self-centered.  Allowing time to reflect and contemplate the consequences of my actions was so timely, but something I did not do in the past.

 In psychology, what I am describing is called cognitive behavioral therapy (or CBT*).  Pausing and deliberately reframing your reactions into a more thoughtful, objective, less emotional or personalized response certainly takes the sting out of many tense situations.  Pausing lets you find the middle route where you see opportunities for growth, reduced conflict and harmony.

 The pause button is on all videos for good reason, it allows you to freeze the moment.  Hit your pause button (count to ten) when the going starts to get weird and overly emotional, it can save a lot of grief later in life.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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 *:  There is a huge body of research and practice related to CBT, do check it out, especially if you are fight inclined.

THE 83% MONA LISA SMILE

"The Mona Lisa gives us a hint about the desirable or optimum level of happiness. Scientists recently computer-analyzed the emotions expressed in this famous lady's face, and concluded that she is 83% happy, 9% disgusted, 6% fearful and 2% angry. Interestingly, we find that people who are happy, but not perfectly so, do well in many domains of life. Perhaps Leonardo da Vinci was onto something, and the widespread appeal of his famous painting may be due to the fact that his lady projects the look of success."*

If Mona Lisa was 83% happy, that does suggest that it is okay to be 17 percent of the time in a melancholy or bad mood.  Too much joyfulness and you may be willfully blind to some of the harsh realities of life.  Being anxious is a good thing if it is a buttress to your happiness.  Negative emotions can keep you in check and alert you to others and to risks around you.

 If you are fortunate enough to be in that 30% of the general population that would describe their current situation as happy, you are encouraged to allow for some negative emotions to keep you centered.  If you are verging on classifying yourself as happy, perhaps you imagine that happiness is being always in a state of wellness and joy.  Having a bad hair day now and then is good for you and a realistic expectation and reality. 

 Wellness does not mean your life is perfect and without obstacles. No, you will experience setbacks and misfortune, but the advantage of wellness is that you have RESILIENCE.  You bounce back, don’t harbor anger, let go and see what you can learn from those challenging moments and experiences. 

 If you know someone who seems to be one of those lucky 30 happy folks, do allow them the liberty of the occasional frown.  And if you are in the other 70% who imagine yourself unhappy, you may be in that optimum zone, but have unrealistic expectations of what is as good as it gets.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: "Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth" by Ed Diener, Robert Biswas-Diener

Habits

Confucius noted that “All humans are the same, except for their habits.” 

Habits are your natural tendencies or practices.  They determine how you behave or react to a situation and they are automatic reflexes, often unconsciously made.  We are all largely the same biologically, but we differ in how we behave or react to things.

Given that habits define your uniqueness and personality, then maturing habits that enhance contentment and wellness would be constructive. I have struggled to make my intentional activities (the 40% I control, see graph below) habitual and more beneficial.  Learning to be grateful, positive and reframing problems to possible thinking took a lot of mindful effort.  However, with practice these responses and perspectives became my natural habits - my default reaction.

Habits do have a pattern in their formation.  Repeating the same behavior consistently, deliberately and with mindful determination, for on average for 66 days, make a behavior or response automatic and habitual.   The wonderful reward of building wellness and contentment habits is that you get a subtle but real reward almost immediately and sub-consciously; you feel better quite quickly.  But just like medicine, once you start to feel improved health you often stop taking the medicine.  So also with wellness habits. 

Positive psychology suggests that the most useful and easiest well-being habit to mature is gratitude.  Start a gratitude journal to note your blessings, finding three to five things to be grateful for EVERY day.  Express internally or externally gratitude at every available opportunity (and especially when you are in a difficult situation).  Search for wonder in your present moment. 

Design your wellness program and invest 66 days to see what happens.  Nothing to lose- just take baby steps, one habit at a time.

Think about looking at some of your strengths and making them more habitual and regular.

What other well-being habits might you want to cultivate?

Ø  seeking opportunities for service

Ø  delaying gratification to its most opportune moment

Ø  exercising

Ø  working with your willpower to make it stronger

Ø  wanting less

Ø  practicing resilience

Ø  looking for opportunities to express your purpose.   

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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For further reading, if you are interested:

How are habits formed: Modelling Habit Formation in the Real World,  Phillippa Lally,  Cornelia H. M. van Jaarsveld,  Henry W. W. Potts,  Jane Wardle; European Journal of Social Psychology, 16 July 2009, https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.674.

PEAK – END RULE

Imagine you had a choice of either:

-         Experiencing a rather unpleasant experience for five minutes, with the worst moments about three minutes into the process,  or

-         Experiencing the same unpleasant five minute ordeal, but with another two minutes added of a slightly less unpleasant but tolerable experience (seven minutes in all).

 Or consider this choice:

-         A one week vacation at an over-the-top exclusive destination with all the amenities, indulgences, experiences you fancy, or

-         A two week vacation, for the same cost in a nearby destination, which is pretty amazing but not over the top.

 Nobel economist Daniel Kahneman* researched these types of options and noted generally that, using the above choices, the longer unpleasant experience and the shorter vacation were the preferred options.  He summarized this research and coined the term PEAK-END RULE. What we REMEMBER is the most intense or peak moment (whether pleasant or unpleasant) and the last moment.  We don’t necessarily forget the other details; we just tend to describe the encounter by the most intense and last events and overlook much of the other occurrences. If I think back on certain episodes in my life, then it was the best or worst moments and how it finished that I remember and retell.

 This is a rather powerful insight and has influenced my travel style.  I now pay much more attention to the last day of my travel and how I get back home.  I more willingly splurge on doing those things that are unique but can be pricey. I don’t try to stay away longer but now focus on staying away better.

 Managing experiences and CAUSING AND CREATING MEMORIES is an amazing opportunity for a well lived and remembered life.  What you remember can have a powerful positive effect on your well-being.

 Going forward, plan your peak and end experiences deliberately and manage carefully how you finish.  Make it a goal to finish well.  Create wonderful final recollections and reduce disagreeable endings where possible - that is a manageable undertaking, and well worth seizing.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: Fredrickson, Barbara L.; Kahneman, Daniel (1993). "Duration neglect in retrospective evaluations of affective episodes". Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 65 (1): 45–55.

WHERE SHOULD I START?

So many times I have had a sense of feeling overwhelmed, not knowing what to do next or how.  And then I remember one of the more clever song lines from of all places, the Sound of Music!  Julie Andrews sang:

 “Let start at the very beginning - a very good place to start.”

 I learned this lesson on the first day of my professional career, when I was given a task for which I had no training (and a charge out rate of $16/hour, which was a lot of money in those days).  I spend the rest of that day and the start of the following day just puzzled and totally overwhelmed.  And then it dawned on me what the problem was: I did not know where to start.  So I started at what was the obvious first step. I have seen the same challenge countless times when students complete exams: they don’t know where to begin an exam question.

 Acknowledging that one does not know where to start is very helpful when it comes to problem solving.  So often we start in the middle or near the end of the solution process, only to backtrack, go sideways and finally come up with a mediocre conclusion. 

 Mindfully pausing, carefully defining the challenge, admitting to yourself you are lost and deliberately planning a way forward, can seem so unnatural.  But it works!! Eventually seeking out the origin of the problem and an organized sequential path forward might become your pattern of problem solving and decision making.

 Pausing and planning is a very efficient and effective strategy. Carefully defining the first few steps in the solution process works very well.  Then check the task regularly to see whether you seem to be on the correct path.

 Starting at the beginning is a very good place to start.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Fake it Till you Make it

I see this regularly when I teach, a students who decided that the subject, instructor and/or university is terrible.  No amount of encouragement or humour will move the learner from this determined belief.  Guess what, from their perspective the results bare out their pre-conceptions, they unhappily labour at the subject matter and end up doing less well and it was all because the subject or whatever was terrible.

Fortunately, I also see others who acknowledge that the subject matter or instructor leaves much to be desired but soldiers on but with a different perspective.  They have decided to reframe the situation and initially pretend that the subject matter or task is intriguing and engaging.  Slowly the course or experience becomes enjoyable and the results are acceptable and worthwhile.

When I am in many encounters I have at least two choices.  First, do I perceive it positively or negatively?  Secondly, how much effort will I have to exert to convince myself that indeed it is a joyful undertaking?  How much faking will it take to convince (fool) myself that this moment and experience is at least okay and perhaps wonderful?

If one waits for evidence to convince oneself that the present moment is grand, it is very likely that most of those moments and NOW will be spent waiting, being less engaged and disappointed.  Consider carefully, if there is no realistic alternative to your present moment.  If there is no Plan B but only the current Plan A, than fake it till you make Plan A awesome or at least bearable.  If there is a Plan B, either take it and actively start faking it that this is ideal or totally drop Plan B and make Plan A your joy present moment.

Research shows that mind over matter, convincing yourself that what is your present moment is ideal is very helpful and does work. Fake it till you make it may initially seek to “fool” you but you may be a fool not to actively try it.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW

I am a rather simple person who relies on a few brief and succinct rules that get me though my day and life.  At around nine or ten I was taught and understood the Golden Rule (Do unto others as you would have others to unto you ).  That guidance worked very well in my youth, but it did not seem concise  or sufficient to me as I got order as it ignored the fact that much of life is about making awkward trade-offs.  How you are perceived by others, the reputation you earn, and how you balance short-term and long-term consequences of your choices, to me, left the Golden Rule wanting.

 As my career progressed, my reputation became the metric that I used to mediate many of my choices.  One’s reputation takes years to cultivate; are you becoming the person you want to be and remembered as? So, my revised rules for life became:

You reap what your sow.

Or

What goes round, comes around.

 Either advice is essentially the same, they remind me of the consequences of my actions.  I set in motion reactions and effects that will come back to reward or haunt me.  People and life seem to have an amazing memory: what I do does seem to rebound back on me. 

 These mottos are generally framed in the negative, implying that bad deeds will plague the doer with unfortunate outcomes. However, it is the positive possibilities and rewards of doing good that excites me.  Mindfully doing ethical and kind deeds, will, over time, mature the habit and natural inclination to have integrity and compassion.  Being aware of the reputational rewards of your actions keeps the long-term in focus which is a useful moral compass.

 Acquiring a reputation for integrity, fairness and willingness to help others  ABSOLUTELY does incline others to treat you in a similar manner. It also makes you more open to receive kindness from others. Yes, sometimes your kindness is not reciprocated, or you are taken advantage of, but this is very much the exception. 

 Being fair and  equitable to others is empowering and it does pay significant dividends.   Plant the seed of your integrity and reputation early and often, it will define you later in your career and life.  The rewards are immense (and make your eulogy more kindly and gentle).

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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FEES OR FINES

As a Chartered Accountant I know all about income taxes.  However,  I try to look at the taxes I pay as a FEE for the PRIVILEGE of living in a compassionate society and country.*  What a blessing to live in a functioning democracy and the success it has afforded me to pursue my dreams and ambitions.  Many others see income taxes as an arbitrary FINE or PENALTY imposed by others that should be diligently avoided by whatever legitimate means.  Fussing about the tax liabilities can become their all-consuming obsession. 

 When life imposes negative consequences and setbacks, do you view these obstacles as fees or fines?  A fine is a penalty that you should avoid, whereas a fee is the price you pay in exchange for a privilege that nice or favourable.    When you get a speeding ticket, or you bang your head, is it a fine for being negligent or clumsy, or a fee that just happens while you are charging about?  You can 100% avoid traffic tickets, bumps and bruises by staying at home and wearing protective gear. Do you perceive these reversals as punishments or as a learning lesson so you can enjoy traveling about?  Or do you  just get on with life and look at your misfortunes and curveballs as learning opportunities and the fee for fun and adventure?

 The fine or fee conundrum is similar to the rights or privileges dilemma.  A wellness perspective views our circumstances largely as a fee for privileges, which invites a sense of gratitude.  A fine or rights view views our favourable circumstances as an entitlement, which would dismiss any sense of gratitude.

 You can get stuck in a ritual of trying to avoid or minimize fines and adverse outcomes or chose to enjoy your situation as the post-fine bounty of being alive. In life there is no such thing as a free lunch: every engagement is an exchange that has a cost.  Most of these costs are non-financial but rather emotional or physical, but real none-the-less.

 Seeing life through a fine paying lens can easily distract you from your present moment.  I’d rather accept the travails of life as fees incurred with lessons to be enjoyed and learned than let fines haunt my life and daily experiences. 

 I’m totally fine with fees, the more fees you pay the more life you may experience.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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 *:  For the record, I do look for opportunities to gently manage my tax liabilities, but I quickly let go and willingly pay to Caesar what is due to Caesar.

 Also, remember the more tax you pay the income you likely earn and get to keep after tax.  If you really want to reduce your income taxes to zero, take the oath of perpetual poverty and join a monastery.

GOOD CRAZY

Everyone has a natural comfort zone, a range of events and behaviours where one feels at peace.  I eat almost the same breakfast every day and listen  to same news cast most evenings.  These rituals and habits are rather boring, but they work for me. 

 But where is the excitement and now of the moment?  To supplement this static existence, I seek out what I call “GOOD CRAZY”.  Good means not harmful to oneself or others, and more likely beneficial and uplifting.  Crazy suggests carefree, random, other than usual and most importantly fun.  Added together, good crazy affords immense scope to be in the moment, happy and feeling alive.

 There is so much opportunity for adventure and joy in the present moment if one only steps outside one’s comfort zone.  Why not pay a compliment to a colleague, buy a thoughtful gift for a friend, take a different route home or have a different breakfast?  These little tweaks to our regular patterns makes the day feel more memorable and real.

 Good crazy unlocks so many chances to do wonderful things for others or oneself.  One wonders why we don’t naturally seek to do more spontaneous good.  Perhaps it is because we are on automatic pilot or just too comfortable being other than crazy. 

 Some people assume that if others were to act more in the moment that might imply doing wrong or evil things.  My observation is that there is so much more privatized goodness eager to be expressed than evil.  Going more public with one’s immediate positive emotions will release much wellness.  Being good crazy is about empowering goodness, but please contain those bad crazy impulses.  

 Experiment with your good crazy zone, it will likely improve your circumstances.  To slightly paraphrase Lou Reed, “Walk on the wilder side”. 

 Risk a little good crazy to spice up your life.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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THE ASK

For several years I was involved in a not-for-profit organization, where fund raising was a continuous challenge and necessity.  What I learned early on about fund raising (internally called revenue development) is that if you never ask donors for funds, you rarely get a donation.  One of the more common replies from potential donors was, “You never asked, so I never gave.”  So we asked and they made a contribution (often sizable) to our cause. 

 Asking can be unsettling and uncomfortable, but it does get results.  Asking certainly works better than not asking.  As Wayne Gretzky said:

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

And so it is with not putting in your request: it won’t happen if you don’t ask.

 Asking, if done sincerely and respectfully, empowers the asker. It reflects your authority and confidence in yourself by admitting you are in need of assistance.  The helper has a skill or resource you are in short supply of, and can feel privileged to be of assistance to you.  Being an asset to someone else enables the helper to actively show compassion and love, a true honour.  Asking is not a sign of weakness; rather an admission that you have limitations and cannot do everything.

 A useful introduction to an ASK request is to openly acknowledge that the other person may have other demands on their time or resources.  Start by saying,  “I know you are busy but were you to have time could you ……”  This shows you are mindful of their agenda and soften the imposition of your need.  This will materially improve the overall effectiveness of your request.

 To make your request more valuable ensure that you express appreciation for the help you received.  Saying “Thank You” makes the asking cycle complete, as it uplifts the other person.  Without an explicit thanks, asking can make the helper feel taken for granted and depreciated rather than appreciated.

 It’s okay to ask, just do it respectfully

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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BEFRIEND YOUR ENEMIES

Enemies are dangerous, they are much less harmful as your less favourite friends.

 There are two important messages in this simple line. The loudest one is that the very idea of an ENEMY is bad for your well-being. Enemies consume your attention and energy, and distract you from your chosen path. Enemies invoke feeling of hatred, or wishing harm to another.

 Secondly, enemies can easily define you. Wishing or imaging vengeance undermines you and eventually this “enemy” captures you.  What is even more unfair is that this “enemy” may be unaware of your disdain, which make you the victim of your own anger, not them. 

 Yes, there are some people who are not my friend, and I would not choose to spend extra time with them, but hate them, NEVER.  I describe them as my least favourite people. Yes, it does says in the Bible to love your neighbor, but it does not say anywhere that you have to like them.

 A difficult but useful strategy I use when someone gets classified as my “least favourite person” is to actively mediate (or pray) for their well-being.  Yes, they may have offended me, but I find it easier to hope for their wellness than ponder their misfortune.  Projecting positive emotions on to my offender almost immediately allows me to let go of the offence that hurt me and move on.  Allowing that person or deed to get under my skin starts to define me, which only makes the injury or offence worse.

 So the next time a wrong or offence occurs to you, try to quietly wish the person well and feel compassion, not anger or hate.  It is much wiser to be defined by one’s own measures and choices, rather than be defined by the actions and opinions of others.  The best solution is to be able to define oneself on your own terms.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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HESITATION

Who doesn’t hesitate at least occasionally, if not often?  While in a warm shower, who wants to get out?  A few more minutes in bed?

“I should phone so and so.” “I should start the painting”.  We have all been there a hundred times. Joseph Addison wrote the often quoted line, “He who hesitates is lost,” yet we persist in our inability to move on or engage.

Hesitation is a combination of reluctance, fear and pleasure (short term,) prevailing over wellness (long term).  Hesitation is costly not only in lost time, but more importantly opportunities foregone.

One day I accidently came across the simplest, most effective and cheapest solution to the hesitation dilemma.  Mel Robbins coined The 5 Second Rule* and my, does it work.  When you are in one of those hesitation situations you simply say,

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1, GO”

and you enact whatever you are delaying, fearful of, or debating.  Get out of the shower, bed, say hello, leave or whatever.  Mel got the idea from watching a rocket launch where they say 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, LIFTOFF and so she launched her own career as a motivational speaker on overcoming hesitation. Why 5 to 1, not 1 to 5?  That is part of the success formula, as counting up has no limit but counting down does hit a limit, and you have no alternative but to go.

I have shared this effective remedy with others and it really works.  Soon you appreciate that over thinking, stopping, and second guessing yourself are just defense strategies to avoid your current situation.  And then you learn that whatever you are reluctant to do was actually not that bad – you just have to get started sometimes – and that is the hardest bit.

I heartily recommend the video link below for more inspiration:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSn-L9IXbOY

5, 4, 3, 2, 1, GO  and click the link above (I dare you).

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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You Experience Tens of Millions of People Every Day!

Look at whatever you are holding or using this very moment.  Perhaps it is a pen, a phone, a cup of coffee or an article of clothing.  How many people were directly involved in making that item, going right back to its basic raw material, assembly, transportation, trading and selling of these components and finished goods?  Then add those people indirectly involved in this item, those that had invented and assembled the tools required for its production.  And then add those involved in the various other supply chains required for that item to be in your hand this very moment.  Certainly tens or hundreds of thousands were involved in just this item, not to mention the many others things you interact with today. Added together just for today, I am sure well over 10 million people made your day happen. 

SO WHAT??!! Anyone who imagines themselves to be self-reliant and independent overstates their self-importance or significance.  We interact with all these people and need each other for our very existence.  Their effort, touch and presence allowed for your day. 

If you are interconnected with that many people every day, should you be selfish and uninterested in their wellbeing?  Or appreciate their input into your wellness?  You are so inter-connected with and in need of others that their well-being should be part of your mindfulness and concern. 

Being kind, thoughtful and respectful of others will make your life more human and meaningful.  Similarly, today tens of millions of people indirectly experienced you.  Wouldn’t it be nice if they acted kindly, thoughtfully and respectfully towards you?  Making others day and life better WILL equally improve your situation and condition. 

Truly, what goes around, comes round.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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WHAT ARE THE LIES YOU BELIEVE?

Unfortunately we are all cursed with at least a few limiting beliefs. 

 I’m NOT good/pretty/smart/strong/young/slim/rich ENOUGH!!

 We firmly cling to these beliefs without questioning their truthfulness, relevance or merit.  Many of these limiting beliefs are lies and mistruths which we nonetheless make true in our lives.  We act out these misconceptions of ourselves until they are realized and we become a more limited version of ourselves.

 These lies which limit our potential have two telling features the words NOT and ENOUGH. Each should be carefully disputed.  Unraveling the likely lies is very empowering.  Many things of interest in life are not black or white.  Perhaps you are not the best at something, or even that great at it, but that does not mean you are therefore terrible or poor: there is lots of scope for being below average, but still okay.  The word ‘enough’ is even more dangerous and potentially damaging.  Who decides what the standard is for a sufficient amount? 

 Carefully address those views of yourself which hold you back.  Are your views of your own ability too low, or your expectations of what is good enough too high?  Yes, eventually you will discover that there are certain skills or attributes that you are not blessed with and should probably not pursue: you cannot excel in everything.  Furthermore, if you have some legitimate limiting beliefs you ought to also have many more valid empowering beliefs.  A major part of my SMALLER CUP perspective is being aware and grateful for your gifts, whilst underplaying the importance or your shortcomings. 

 A rule I have used after taking my personal inventory is:

 Go with my strengths but MANAGE my weaknesses.

 A long time ago I identified and chose to believe in my gifts and abilities, seeking out opportunities to use them proactively and converting these blessings into by calling and employment.   By manage my weaknesses, I mean being mindful of instances where my weaknesses are potentially exposed and either behaving cautiously in that instance, or purposefully avoiding those situations, people and careers.

   Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Celebrate What is Right with Your Present Moment

How do you view a half full cup? Happy full, half empty or needing a smaller cup?

What matters is the point of view you bring to your present situation.  When you read the newspaper, visit a news website, or watch/listen to a news cast, you will notice that these tend to focus on what is wrong with our world.  Only the sports pages exalt our achievements, but then with a biased perspective. Sadly, the world seems addicted to this negative narrative and perspective, rejecting a more positive perspective as naïve or Pollyanna-like in nature.

Celebrate what is right with your situation; seek out the excellence, bounty and blessing within your present moment.  Change your point of view, change your lens of life, and seek out with the positive - RIGHT NOW!  One of the most wonderful aspects of looking for the positive is that there are many perspectives and ways to view each situation in a better light. Once you identify these, risk being in awe of them.  Don’t analyze these blessings with a critical eye and destroy the mystery, but rather enjoy them without the cynicism that seems to have invaded our cultural perspective.

While you are in the spirit of celebrating what is right with your present moment, reflect on those who you are close to, and acknowledge their good points and how they improve your present situation.  Be prepared to marvel and appreciate the good around you. 

For every wrong, failure or weakness you observe, deliberately look for an equal number of kindnesses and strengths to CELEBRATE.  This conscious reframing of your present moment will reward you with wellness.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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For further reflection:  Please do listen to the TEDx Talk by Dewitt Jones called “Celebrate what’s right with the world!” Well worth the 18 minutes of your time.

THE CAMP SITE RULE

The campsite rule is: “When you leave the campsite, try to make it a little neater, cleaner, and better then when you arrived.  Take away a little more litter than is yours.”  

 Whereas I don’t camp much (almost never), I apply this rule to the community I live in.  The world is too weird, complicated, confused and often angry, but my local and immediate community does not have to be that way.  At the end of the day we spend at least 99% of our life in a very small, confined and intimate world of our home, local community and workplace. 

Rather than fretting too much about the unfairness of the geo-political world, why not focus a lot of your attention and effort on your rather small world and seek to make it kinder, friendlier and tidier.  Your nicer local campsite makes the larger world more tolerable and accommodating.                            

I have a habit of seeking out litter as I walk along; picking it up.  Smile at the clerks in the shops that you frequent.  Greet the bus driver with a Hello and say thanks when you get off.  Hold the door open in the elevator.  Help strangers who seem lost.  Give up your seat on the bus or train.  Let that car that is try to cut in, in. Seek out ways to make your neighborhood a better place. Start an uplifting and positive conversation with that person standing next to you. Your community is your campsite, deliberately make is a nicer and friendlier place.

 It may seem trivial and unimportant but, at the very least it makes you a little prouder and more positive about your world.  Curiously and wonderfully, over time your immediate surroundings will feel more like home.  And your example may inspire a few others, and that is how change happens.    

 Think globally but act locally.  Make your campsite more awesome. This is pro-active, community-based wellness in action.

  Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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The If and When Myth

“I will be happy IF” … “I will be happy WHEN” doesn’t work or happen.  You get the desired outcome, have elevated spirits for a few weeks, months or at best a few years and then you are right back to where you were earlier. 

This natural occurrence of returning to your natural set point of wellness is called the hedonistic treadmill or hedonistic adaption.  We are like the hamster on the treadmill running quickly but getting nowhere, stuck. Changes in circumstance have a short term pay-off and then this new situation becomes the new normal.  The adaption makes you inclined to aspire for new achievements which then undermines the joy of the current achievement.  And then comparison sets in, and we see others with more or better or newer rewards and we are back to square one.

For me, appreciating and observing this adaption process countless times tamed the shopper in me and changed me.  Now I savour a few very special and thoughtful gifts, experiences or purchases and regularly just pause to be so grateful for those blessings. A multi-function travel watch, blue tooth headphones that meet my unique needs, Bolivia, colourful sandals that can go anywhere; these are special things that ring my well-being bell.

Experiment with your IF and WHEN expectations for well-being.  How long did your joy persist? Have you already replaced that desire with a new or more lavish wish?  If that IF or WHEN had not happened, would you really be any less pleased?

Letting go of IF and WHEN is most liberating as it puts one into the present moment where there is no IF or WHEN, only now.  Not wanting or waiting for something to happen to be achieved or owned means you have enough, and perhaps even a surplus.  Practice savouring things with serenity, re-thanking others for their awesome gifts, or remembering/sharing those powerful memories and milestones but again.  Sure, it is fine to want an IF or WHEN once in the while, but not always or to the determinant of what you already are blessed with.  Wonderfully, gratitude will improve your spirits and defeat the treadmill. 

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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For further reading, if you are interested just Google “Hedonistic treadmill”; there is no shortage of insightful sources for further insights here.

FOLLOWERSHIP AND FELLOWSHIP

There is so much discussion and focus on leadership and leadership skills. If one listens to this chatter one might think there was a shortage of able and honourable leaders and a leadership crisis.  If there is a problem, is it at the leader or follower end of the spectrum?  Likely a bit of both, but it might be useful and fair to look at the followership issue.  As in sports, does firing the coach necessarily solve a team’s poor performance for more than a game or two, or are the players the more likely culprit?

Most of us will forever be followers, and escape the challenge of being a senior leader.  Heads of organizations need to make complex trade-offs, absorb immense information, meet countless people, travel tirelessly and work significantly longer hours than we do. Are we being fair, objective or informed?

 If there are leadership skills, there are also followership skills.  Let’s start with giving the leader the benefit of the doubt: maybe we need to second-guess question them less often.  Let’s appreciate the complexity of the choices and trade-offs that have to be made.  Do we use the same scale when we evaluate our own behaviors?   What about the fact the boss does not have perfect information, and has to make judgement calls and predictions?  Is it reasonable that we have a tendency to assume those in authority as having less moral or ethical character then we have?  Using hindsight to second guess the superior’s decision can be a little harsh. Let’s accept the fact that leaders, like followers, are trying their very best given their natural limitations.

 I am not suggesting that we blindly follow leaders.  Rather it is accepting that often those in authority will make different choices than we might.  Where we disagree, let’s invest the effort to get as informed on the matter as we can, or else hold our fire. 

 Followership is a willingness to give up power for a higher collective good. Being an excellent subordinate is more than team work and collaboration.  It speaks to the notions of letting go of power, independence and finding internal resources to make the process of being led more agreeable. 

 Followership and fellowship share many common themes; that of being cooperative, tolerant, fair minded, inclusive and deferring to others for the good of the larger entity.

 Better followership will lead to improved fellowship (including with the leaders) for those accepting their leaders and their leadership.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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Do unto Others as You would have Others Do unto You (The Golden Rule)

The Golden Rule of life is expressed in many cultures and religions as an essential part of living and being part of a more meaningful life.

Being more thoughtful and aware of others has immediate payoffs and instructive rewards.  Consciously holding the door open, giving up your seat, letting someone else speak, complimenting someone, letting that car in or helping someone with their luggage all trigger an immediate sense that you are mindful, thoughtful and in the moment.  Being altruistic is one of the blessing largely unique to human beings, something that defines our humanity.  Selflessness elevates one spirit the same way gratitude also does.  An easy and obvious way to implement the Golden Rule is to be of service to others. Added together, gratitude, selflessness and service compound their benefits in improved wellness.

Cultivating the habit of being more selfless opens you to being more aware of the kindness of others.  If you want your world to be kinder and more whole, start from within and project thoughtfulness; over time other will notice and reciprocate in random and wonderful ways.  Also, observe and acknowledge the kindness of others that you receive. The world is much kinder than you imagine but you have to look out for the many blessings we receive.

The corollary or part two of the Golden Rule is equally instructive. Don’t do unto others what you would have others not do unto you.  Not doing something is often harder to do as we have certain unhelpful habits and manners which are unwelcome or hurtful.

The reward of the Golden Rule is the gold it bestows on you; kindness, purpose, wellness and being part of a larger, more meaningful world.  Start causing the gold and cashing in.

And pray for the Ukraine and Russia to find an equitable solution to this cruel situation.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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NOW OLD

I have aged a bit since I was a youngster, one day at a time!  I can remember at the age of about ten wondering how I could possibly know as much as a twelve year old. How could my small brain hold any more information?  The same fear gripped me as I was finishing high school.  Fortunately it all worked out, and space was found for the new knowledge as it came.

As I got older (69), the notion of ageing forever amazed, puzzled and frightened me.  At twenty five, I imagined how ancient I would feel at forty.  At forty, I was sometimes the youngest person in the room and rather intimidated by my elders.  Along the way, I also speculated about whether this age must be my peak, and whether soon after everything would go downhill……. 

Can I share with you my personal truth? Those emotions and desires of so many years ago are dim compared to today; aging teaches you how to manage, maximize and savour situations.  I encourage you to replay a circumstance you are currently having, and re-live how you would have coped with a similar situation twenty years ago.

So, when I think of how old I am, I have decided that I am NOW OLD. Finally, after so many birthdays and years, I finally appreciate that there is only one age or moment that matters, and that is the present moment. 

Being NOW OLD means that dwelling on your age and aging is irrelevant, unhelpful and distracting.  The awesome thing about being alive is that only there is only one state of nature, the present, and every other time only exists as a memory or an expectation.  Start acting your age, which is NOW OLD.  Everyone else can also only live in their present moment, whatever page of their life journey they are currently in.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please freely share and widely, there are no copyright concerns.