Less Attachment

One of the core principles of Buddhism is the notion of non-attachment.  Buddhists believe that attachment (clinging onto things) is the root of suffering.  It is hard to disagree that strong attachment to possessions can frequently lead to or increase suffering.  Materialism is hardly the road to well-being.

Recently during the night someone stole my shiny new mountain bike, and my attachment tendencies were tested.  Yes, I fussed about the loss for a few minutes, and then I came to a decision: should I ruminate (attachment) or let go (detachment).  Letting go took the sting out of the loss and made getting on with my day very easy. By noon the sense of loss was gone.

As I reflected on my loss, I had to decide whether I was a janitor or security guard of my belongings and captured by them or someone with a fortunate short term lease.  Borrowing, using, enjoying and letting go is so much more peaceful and less stressful.

Please don’t assume that I do not have an attachment nature and cling to nothing.  No way!  I do appreciate my creature comforts and possessions (travel watch, music, photos) but focus on the joy and gratitude I experience  when using them.  Being attached to fewer things and savouring those fewer things certainly beats accumulating and worrying about your belongings. 

As I thought about the theft more, I took a mental inventory of my possessions that I truly lament were I to forfeit them.  What was left was a few material items of significant sentimental value (but limited market value), and the rest was baggage.  Wonderful memories quickly came to the forefront as my more prized possessions, and these cannot be readily forfeited.  remembering your blessings is an attachment worth cherishing.

Take your own inventory; if the list is too long, consider whether you have become the janitor and watch person and have been captured by your attachments.  Less attachment and more active sharing and gratitude are worthwhile attachments.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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What is Work?

My first bit of common sense or wisdom came to me when I was about ten years old. Its source was from the book by Mark Twain, The Adventure of Tom Sawyer. Tom was being punished by having to white wash paint a fence (you may also know the story). Tom was not keen about his assignment so he thought, “How can I turn this task from work to play and perhaps even make a profit?” 

What Tom did was to start painting the fence with joy and excitement.  His friends quickly observed his enthusiasm and asked if they could join in and do some painting.  Soon he was selling the privilege of painting the fence and only stopped when he ran out of paint.  This story has many themes, but the theme of the story as I was taught it many years ago was:

What is work?  It is what you don’t like doing.  What is play? 

It is what you enjoy doing.  Get paid to play.

That simple insight I learned at age ten changed me forever. I never forgot it, even after over 50 years of employment.  From that moment on I decided to NEVER GO TO WORK!! And you know what, I (almost) never have. My entire career (with the exception of about 3 years) I have been paid to play.  I was able to CONVINCE MYSELF that whatever I was doing was playful and joyful.   Now I must admit sometimes that having to convince myself that what I was doing was playful was a stretch, but I diligently and consciously made the effort to see situations in that light. 

The worst case solution was to ponder how the “work” situation was a learning platform and plan my escape; the normal response was to eagerly try to be my absolute best at it and speculate how it could be done better.  For repetitive tasks, analyzing them carefully was always an opportunity for improvement, even though the only one who would notice the improvement was myself. I turn my trade into an art form and forever looked for the smallest of tweaks and quirks to make the output something I had total personal pride in.  The point is, if what you are doing is play, then playing harder and better is always self-satisfying and motivating.

 Perhaps if your work is less than playful, than you could re-engineer your perspective and find some aspect of your tasks that you enjoy somewhat, and focus on how to make that aspect more central and playful.

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40% of What Determines Happiness is Up to You – Possible Thinking

For me, this is one of the most amazing and empowering findings from positive psychology. Your intentional (self-determined) thoughts and perspectives are said to determine about 40% of your experience of happiness.  You have around 40% control over how an event is perceived and emotionally experienced.  You have significant choice over how you react to the weather, the view out of your window or anything else in your present moment.  How you frame or reframe the present moment is significant.  Do you just react to events unconsciously or do you deliberately set out to apply a certain mindset?

If around 40% of what determines your well-being is up to your intentional thoughts and activities, what about the rest?  50% is largely set by your genetically determined set points (your genes, which cannot be changed).  The last 10% is your unique life circumstances (rich or poor, healthy or unhealthy, beautiful or plain, live in amazing or poor housing, etc.).

So what does this 40% suggest?  You experience an event or action, but how you process and internally experience that situation is flexible.  You cannot change the weather, traffic conditions or world events but you do have a choice as to how you react to these circumstances.  Your job, relationships, health, wealth, home and education are largely fixed in the short run, but how you feel about these matters is 40% is up to you.  These circumstances can be framed negatively or that same moment can be painted as having glimmers of wonder, joy, empowerment, opportunity, excitement, optimism; you decide.

This 40% possibility does not negate that one’s present moment may have difficult, sad or unjust elements, but to ruminate and exclusively stay focused on the negative aspects can have troubling consequences.  There is much truth to the saying:

“Every cloud has a silver lining”

You just have to look for that sliver of hope, to be open to a small possibility of a positive outcome.  Call this possible thinking rather than positive thinking, finding at least one hopeful aspect of your present moment.

For further reading, if you are interested:

Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change, Sonja Lyubomirsky, Kennon M. Sheldon, David Schkade, Review of General Psychology 9(2):111-131 · June 2005

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Why not Default to YES and Joy?

If you were to look at the evolution of humans, it is only a very recent phenomena that humans live in a relatively safe and secure environment.  Real risk of injury, illness or death from violence, disease or hardship was everywhere.  It made sense for humans to be cautious, conservative, and ever mindful of what was just around the corner. 100 or 1,000 years ago being an optimist was unwise as there were risks and perils everywhere. Until the early 1900’s life expectancy was in the low 30’s, whereas now in the west it is nearer to 80 years (and in many countries over 80).

Given that premature death and the consequences of illness and injury have been so much delayed or reduced, why do we continue to maintain a defensive, anxious and negative mindset?  The dangers of today are so limited compared to earlier times, but our reflective habits have not been updated.  Being highly pessimistic no longer has the same rewards that it promised in the past as the underlying problems and situations have been resolved or eliminated

A major theme running through many reflections is that it is time to change your default wiring from fight or flight to well-being, joy and optimism. Being less cautious and more positive and optimistic does not mean being reckless or stupid, rather it allows for more joy, wellness and plenty.

Next time you have a choice about how to frame your present moment, allow for the possibility that everything many turn out to be rather wonderful or okay.  Like a computer, re-set your default reflex and reaction to YES and joy rather than NO and fight or flight.

For further reading you may find the following book inspiring (I certainly did):

Solve For Happy: Engineer Your Path to Joy, Mo Gawdat, bluebird books for life, 2017 

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Do unto Others as You would have Others Do unto You (The Golden Rule)

The Golden Rule of life is expressed in many cultures and religions as an essential part of living and being part of a more meaningful life.

Being more thoughtful and aware of others has immediate pay-offs and instructive rewards.  Consciously holding the door open, giving up your seat, letting someone else speak, complimenting someone, letting that car in or helping someone with their luggage all trigger an immediate sense that you are mindful, thoughtful and in the moment.  Being altruistic is one of the blessing largely unique to human beings, something that defines our humanity.  Selflessness elevates one spirit the same way gratitude also does.  An easy and obvious way to implement the Golden Rule is to be of service to others. Added together, gratitude, selflessness and service compound their benefits in improved wellness.

Cultivating the habit of being more selfless opens you to being more aware of the kindness of others.  If you want your world to be kinder and more whole, start from within and project thoughtfulness; over time other will notice and reciprocate in random and wonderful ways.  Also, observe and acknowledge the kindness of others that you receive. The world is much kinder than you imagine but you have to look out for the many blessings we receive.

The reward of the Golden Rule is the gold it bestows on you; kindness, purpose, wellness and being part of a larger, more meaningful world.  Start causing the gold and cashing in.

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Campsite Rules

The campsite rule is: “When you leave the campsite, try to make it a little neater, cleaner, better then when you arrived.  Take away a little more litter than is yours.”  

Whereas I don’t camp much (almost never), I apply this rule to the community I live in.  The world is too weird, complicated, confused and often angry, but my local and immediate community does not have to be that way.  At the end of the day we spend at least 99% of our life in a very small, confined and intimate world of our home, local community and workplace.  Rather than fretting too much about the unfairness of the geo-political world, why not focus a lot of your attention and effort on your rather small world and seek to make it kinder, friendlier and tidier.  Your nicer local campsite makes the larger world more tolerable and accommodating.                           

I have a habit of seeking out litter as I walk along; picking it up.  Smile at the clerks in the shops that you frequent.  Greet the bus driver with a Hello and say thanks when you get off.  Hold the door open in the elevator.  Help strangers who seem lost.  Give up your seat on the bus or train.  Let that car that is try to cut in, in. Seek out ways to make your neighborhood a better place. Start an uplifting and positive conversation with that person standing next to you. Your community is your campsite, deliberately make is a nicer and friendlier place.

It may seem trivial and unimportant but, at the very least it makes you a little prouder and more positive about your world.  Curiously and wonderfully over time your immediate surroundings will feel more like home.  And your example may inspire a few others, and that is how change happens.    

Think globally, but act locally.  Make your campsite more awesome. This is pro-active, community based wellness in action.

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Human Being or Human Doing

So what are you, a human being or a human doing?  To improve wellness should you focus on being or doing? Certainly sounds like there is a difference and it is more than semantics. 

A human doing would likely be DOING; busy, active, focusing on the immediate task and what to do next. Worrying, anxious, perhaps in the flow, but only marginally, in what might be a mindful or joyful moment.

And the human being would likely be BEING; existing mindfully in the moment, NOW, feeling blessed, calm and at peace. 

It feels like BEING is a noun state of existence and DOING is a verb state of existence.  One of the biggest challenge to wellness and peace is to find and be in a BEING state of mind regularly and profoundly; society values so highly the DOING state of mind that you forget to BE in the here and NOW.  How many times have you heard, “Smell the coffee.” or “Life is about the journey, not the destination.” 

Being active and engaged is absolutely essential and valuable, but always acting in a state of action denies the present moment its due respect and purpose.  Regularly taking time out to observe your situation and circumstance, to pause and see the glory of your present moment; to be thankful; to reflect on your very existence; to seek out something wonderful, unique, curious, special and worthy of sharing.

Actively and purposely doing the act of BEING is what makes you a human being and lets you escape the endless pursuit of activity and what to do next. 

When Preparation meets Opportunity

Some people just seem to be so lucky, or blessed. Life just seems to go their way. Why so?? Why not me?

One views suggests that luck is passive, random and largely beyond one’s control. Good things might happen to me, but I do not cause them to happen. Another view is that luck is less random and is often caused or encouraged by mindful intervention.

Steven Leacock has said, “I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more of it I have.” I think that being lucky in life largely occurs when preparation meets opportunity.

One can significantly increase one’s likelihood of good fortune in life by consciously maturing skills and attitudes that are useful in one’s line of work. Putting yourself at risk and exposing yourself to opportunity is also a major factor. So many people miss out on opportunities because they do not put themselves forward, often from the mistaken belief that they are not good enough.

 For your career or calling, start by learning your craft and developing your skills, observing closely the rules of the game in your profession and identifying influencers or key players in that area. Start walking the walk and talking the talk. Be authentic and focused, but also be realistic. Unrealistic hopes are bound to disappoint; but realistic aspirations, deliberately planned, seem to yield “luckier” outcomes. This is the preparation part.

Next, start looking for those opportunities. Put yourself at risk and expose yourself to situations where opportunities related to your calling or aspirations are present. Cause opportunity by going outside your comfort zone, and try networking beyond your traditional circle of acquaintances. Invest some of your leisure time to researching in detail the more complex aspects of your goal.

An important ingredient of luck is to be in the right place at the right time, with the requisite skills. Strategically do your preparation and imagine not only your next move, but your next several moves – having a plan doesn’t mean it will succeed, but it has to be better than having no plan at all. It is no coincidence that those who work harder and smarter seem to be luckier. And once the ball starts rolling, luck seems to multiply and flow more easily.

Framing (and Reframing) your Experiences

Framing is a description of how your mind captures and perceives your experiences or circumstances on a moment by moment basis. Continuously while you are awake, events are occurring around you and your brain is trying to make sense of them. Your senses receive various stimuli and your mind builds a picture of this moment. Up to 90% of that experience is how the mind framed or pictured it, and as little as 10% is objective reality. 

As upwards of 90% of a moment is a matter of perception and framing, that means you have a lot of opportunity to make your present reality (NOW) wonderful, painful, awful, joyful or many other emotions in-between. What frame of mind you start with is powerful. 

What is your default tone? Is it positive or negative, awesome or awful, optimistic or pessimistic? You are your own spin doctor and that initial spin taints everything.

One of the more insightful books on wellness that I have read is by Martin Seligman and it is called ‘Learned Optimism’. Seligman, backed by substantial research findings, suggests that you can activity learn how to frame (or reframe) your circumstances to view them in a more positive light. 

Experiment with whatever you are doing at this moment. How many ways could this moment be captured? Frame it as many different ways as you can imagine. Practice reframing your first impressions. Watch your initial reflexes: are they helpful or harmful? Deliberately, consciously and vocally put a positive spin on your present moment. Find that “silver lining” of your NOW. Yes, it is raining BUT the plants are pleased. Yes, X is a difficult person BUT they are in a tough place. YES BUT...

After a while constructive and affirmative re-framing and framing will become a mindful habit.