UNHELPFUL ATTITUDES

I can remember being in my early twenties and proudly cynical and sarcastic.  It was pompous youthfulness on display.  The more contrary and mocking I was of the present situation, the wiser I felt.  What a youthful fool I was. Somewhere in my thirties I let go of these unhelpful attitudes, but secretly held onto many of their related  judgemental perspectives.  And finally, after far too much mocking and a false sense of self-righteousness, I realized I was raining on my own parade.  Can you relate to this rite of passage?

Letting go of being cynical and sarcastic is not that hard, but to stop being judgemental is a real challenge.  I struggle with a tendency to judge others as though I have all the right questions and answers.  What is especially noteworthy is that being judgemental bring no joy or wellness to myself or anyone else.  Rather it fuels anger and pride, sowing division and intolerance instead.  I notice that with all the increased tension, frustration, anxiety and impatience because of Covid (and Trump), our judgemental nature is only becoming more pronounced and outspoken.  Scary times!!

So where to start to become less judgemental? How about admitting to oneself that being judgemental is an unhelpful and destructive habit.  Next, let go where you can, stop vocally labelling certain people or views as “stupid”.  Silencing your public judgement will quiet your inner whisper.  Accept the fact that you do not know all the facts about the situation.  Start imagining that you may be wrong, and others are right.  And finally, admit that your opinion generally really does not matter much (except at election time).

Unhelpful attitudes that started with being cynical and sarcastic, and matured into being self-righteous and judgemental, get no one anywhere.  Try reframing these attitudes with tolerance, inclusiveness, compassion and patience.  You will feel much better thereafter.

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

MAN-KIND

Being KIND can be defined as having a good or benevolent nature or disposition; being compassionate and humane.  The antonyms (opposites) of KIND include being atrocious, barbaric or cruel*.  We as a species are known as MANKIND.  Ponder for a moment whether the notion of being kind has any merit as part of our nature.

Here is a parable of unknown origin.  It contains what I believe is a simple but profound truth: 

An old man says to his grandson: ‘There’s a fight going on inside me. It’s a terrible fight between two wolves. One is cruel – angry, greedy, jealous, arrogant, and cowardly. The other is kind – peaceful, loving, modest, generous, honest, and trustworthy. These two wolves are also fighting within you, and inside every other person too.’ After a moment, the boy asks, ‘Which wolf will win?’ The old man smiles. ‘The one you feed.’

It is interesting when world travellers like Michael Palin summarize their travel lessons: what is their almost universal recollection? They are profoundly impressed by acts of unconditional kindness from total strangers (and I can certainly confirm that conclusion from my travels).   Yet, when we are at home, do we always think kindly of our unfamiliar neighbours, or our community at large?  We can feed our cruel wolf a diet of judgement or suspicion about our fellow community members.  And then we find confirming evidence to reinforce our prior prejudices and misgivings.  Does it need to be so?

Our kind wolf, unfortunately, does not get out enough.  Random acts of kindness are its favourite food.  The human spirit has a special design feature which makes being charitable one of the most powerful elixirs to lift our spirits.  Our kind wolf does not need much food to become fully active and overwhelm our unkind wolf.  Once kindness is in play, it is amazing how much power it has against any foe.  Our cruel nature is actually very weak, it has a lot of energy but not much endurance, and it can easily be overcome by compassion.

So which wolf will YOU feed: the kind one,  or the cruel one?

*:  Merriam-Webster dictionary

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Physically distance, never socially distance.

SUFFERING OR RE-THINKING OUR LIMITATIONS

A reporter asked Greta Thunberg:  Do you suffer from Asperger’s Syndrome?

Greta’s answer:  “I would not say I suffer, but I have it”.

What a clever re-framing by this inspiring young environmental activist.*

I have had challenges, ranging from being dyslexic, left-handed, clumsy, and uncoordinated to having poor eyesight.  At first, I was not aware that anything was wrong at school, but then came  a long period of frustration and disappointment. A period of choice came in my early twenties: Was I going to SUFFER and feel like a VICTIM , or ACCEPT that I had these challenges and just get on with life?   

Deciding to accept my limitations was a wonderful relief, as each has its upsides and advantages.  For example, being dyslexic means that the learning process for me was more based around understanding ideas and the big picture, as I often have to read things many times and really think about what the writer is trying to say to understand something. This was a significant advantage when teaching in a university environment, as I have often had to think about something very carefully to try and understand it.  And then use this deliberate learning process and methodology for my lecture. My awkwardness has made me engineer many tasks to reduce the number of movements (and get used to falling or dropping things).  Laughing at myself and working with the novelty these limitations afforded has been a source of much success, joy and adventure. 

Using the erase test, where one removes an incident or circumstance in one’s life, you also remove ALL the subsequent consequences and knock-on effects of that matter.  Personally, I would not change or erase a thing and feel grateful for my limitations.  I am also very mindful, that were these matters removed, there would be new ones to replace them, so better the devil I know than the one I do not know!

EVERYONE has issues and challenges.  The decision we must make is: do we suffer from them, accept them, or better still, convert them into opportunities or blessings?

Currently we are all under some type of Covid constraint: are you going to suffer it, accept/tolerate it, or make the best of these weird times? A little bit of optimistic resilience won’t make Covid go away, but it will make our present moment that much better.

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

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*The film, I am Greta comes out this Autumn.  The trailer looks promising

FAIRNESS AND GRATITUDE

How many times have you heard someone say, “It not fair!”? It seems that when things do not go our way in life, we often decide that life is not fair, and biased against us.

But what does “fair” mean?  When we toss a coin it has a 50/50 chance of being a head or a tail.  An equal chance. But is it possible to get equal chances at everything in life?  If you work diligently, should you always get what you are aiming for? 

Is life itself fair? We all face challenges and setbacks. Others do not always play by our perception of the rules, and we do not always get equitable treatment.  No one is promised a life without impediments.  But isn’t that what makes life ‘real’ and a continuous learning journey?  Why would one be ambitious and hopeful if life was a done deal and your success guaranteed? Where would the excitement and challenges that make life a rewarding experience come from? How would a human being develop character without hardship and struggles? How would a human being develop empathy without suffering?  Some unfairness builds stamina and resilience.

Without too much effort, I can identify a dozen or more significant “unfairnesses” in my life.  But I would NEVER describe my life as being other than enormously blessed.  Why is this so? 

Because I am an accountant, by nature and inclination, I look at fairness as a measurement issue.  Depending on how and what you measure to define fairness makes all the difference.  It is not by accident that this blog is called “Smallercup”.  This name suggests that if you calibrate fairness based on the relative fullness of your cup, you can feel very blessed or cursed without a change in your circumstances.  If you choose to feel grateful, focused on your ambitions but realistic in what you want, your life will be most bountiful.  A smaller cup makes your win/loss ratio about 75/25 because you set yourself up for greater success and joy. 

Rather than framing life through an  ‘unfair vs fair’ framework, look out for the good things that regularly come your way.  It is amazing how your outlook can change if you are prepared to acknowledge the good fortune that frequently comes your way.  Carefully consider whether your definition and calibration of fairness is constructive and useful.   Just by being more mindfully grateful your personal sense of fairness will materially improve.  And this gives you the energy and motivation to make others’ lives fairer. 

Physically distance (when required or helpful), never socially distance.

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WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?*

The number of times that things have not gone to plan in my life must now be in the many thousands.  With each of these disappointments or unsuccessful outcomes, there were many possible reactions:  I could be angry, disappointed, blameful, frustrated, resigned, reflective or grateful.

Over the years, I have decided that the best perspective to take was to ask the question:

What have I learned?

‘That result was a real let-down’. ‘That person’s carelessness did affect me’.  ‘The way I was treated was very unfair’. It is easy to dwell on the negatives, but I think it is better to gear one’s thinking in a positive direction, as most other reactions get you nowhere and perhaps even in trouble.

How can you do this?  It starts by how you frame the situation. Admit it if you made a mistake and are largely at fault.  Laugh at yourself, as there likely was some humour in your predicament.  Don’t awfulize and generalize that the result is now the new normal.  Don’t take it too personally.  Don’t give rejection too much authority. Acknowledge that blaming others is self-defeating and usually not the full picture. An interesting anecdote is that if you criticize others less, you will experience less trauma when you let yourself down.

Disappointments are opportunities to re-visit the WHY and HOW behind the event. Try re-framing failures as an unexpected result which can be avoided in the future.  At least you were trying!  A life without regular setbacks and disappointments is boring and uneventful.  If you don’t make mistakes it suggests you are in a rather fixed and comfortable place, but you may be stagnating and failing to grow in maturity because you avoid risks.

Learning from your smaller mistakes can encourage you to make better decisions in the future.  I often set up small experiments to see how something works.  I imagine a result and see if it occurs and when it doesn’t, it is a wonderful “science” moment to set up another trial-and-error exercise and figure out the puzzle.

Remember that successful people may have succeeded far more often than the ordinary person, but they’ve also failed far more often too!  Thomas Edison is remembered for the experiments that succeeded, but we forget how many time his experiments failed before he got there.

Asking, “What have I learned?” often and sincerely, like gratitude, is a useful tool to aid our well-being.

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*:  Some of these ideas came from: Legendary Self-Discipline: Lessons from Mythology and Modern Heroes by Peter Hollins

DESSERTS

Last week, I visited a quaint bakery which had a wonderful and inspiring sign on the wall:

DESSERTS is STRESSED spelt backwards.

Just what I needed to see and do.  I don’t know about you, but I am getting Covid fatigue. Putting a wellness spin on these troubling times is beginning to wear thin and at times hollowing out.  I know it is okay to not be okay, but that doesn’t make being mindful and hopeful easy, pleasurable or purposeful.

This simple suggestion has become my quiet mantra as I must intentionally and mindfully re-frame these sterile and stressed times to keep my spirits up.  When I find my feels becoming challenged and negative, I remind myself of the DESSERTS versus STRESSED trade-off. 

I consciously ask questions such as: Where is the silver lining in my circumstances?  Where can I find stories with happy endings and exalt the positive aspects of our times? How can I frame my situation to encourage a hopeful, constructive outcome?  How much of my imagined situation is awfulizing and ruminating self-talk? What news articles or outlets should I avoid?  How can I neutralize the stress? Where is the dessert (peace and contentment)?

We have been in Covid lockdown mode for at least five months and there is more to come unfortunately.  What is your Covid mental health survival strategy?  What triggers and reminders do you need to activate  protect yourself against the gloom?

When you feel you are becoming stressed, think about desserts and frame your moment so it is sweeter and better.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

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YOUR EXPLANATORY STYLE

Imagine the scene: something noteworthy happens to you, evoking an emotional reaction, and later that day you describe the event to a friend.  The way you explain this event goes a long way to summarizing your state of well-being, and how you view your circumstances in terms of being an optimist or pessimist.

One way of looking at optimism and pessimism is as different explanatory styles. An explanatory style means the way we explain our experiences or the events which happen to us. Research has found that optimists and pessimists have different explanatory styles. Optimists attribute the cause of NEGATIVE events and experiences to external, specific,  and transient factors.  Pessimists do the opposite; they attribute the cause of bad events to internal, global and permanent factors. Interestingly, these positions are reversed when we explain POSITIVE events and experiences. Optimists think about good outcomes as being personal, permanent, and pervasive, whereas pessimists think the opposite (external, specific, and transient).*

But is this the end of the story for a pessimist? No!

Intentionally, you can challenge your pessimistic summary of events and experiences by changing one’s explanatory style.  One highly effective way of becoming more optimistic is to monitor your explanatory style and challenge the negative explanations you make. Psychologists call this disputing.  

It may sound pompous or naïve that when something wonderful occurs you take credit for it and presume it to be the new normal.  Or when things go poorly, to assume that is it not your fault and an exception.  But would you rather assume it is your fault, pervasive and permanent? That is usually not the whole picture and anymore truthful either. 

Dare to be intentionally hopeful, modestly proud, and grateful for your blessings.  Let go of ruminating about life’s missteps and taking them personally, assuming they will persist.  Being an optimist won’t necessarily change your life, but it will significantly improve how you experience your life. And isn’t that one of the goals of improved well-being.

Physically distance, never socially distance.

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*: A Practical Guide to Positive Psychology: Achieve Lasting Happiness, Bridget Grenville-Cleave

PHYSICAL DISTANCING

To me, somewhere along the way, the Covid safety message got lost in translation.  Keeping physical space between households was a wise strategy, but when this became known as ‘social distancing’ something tragic started to happen to our wellbeing and the wellness of others.  Before you knew it, there was a sense of suspicion of others that was emotionally unhelpful. If I may quote the epidemiologist Michael Osterholm:

“I categorically reject the concept of social distancing. It’s physical distancing. I hope we never social distance, ever.”*

What are we told to do when we think we might be in danger from others? Self-isolate!  But wouldn’t something like self-distancing sound kinder and more inclusive? Isn’t the temptation there to feel we are some sort of pariah, and to cut ourselves off from others socially and emotionally too?

Please be clear I do not disagree with the advice of creating space between us, but rather how it is phrased.  Words matter.  Often when I walk about physically separated, I feel that there is an undercurrent of anti-social anger and suspicion brewing amongst some.  Distrust your neighbour, look out for yourself - that person may be dangerous! These views come with so much anxiety and tension attached to them.  A grand strategy for physical health maybe, but extremely unhelpful for mental health and wellbeing.

Covid-19 is a most unfortunate reality.  However, too much focus on the illness and too little focus on wellness leads to increased anxiety, reduced mental health and unleashing an uncomfortable new normal.  Humans by design are social creatures.  We should be doing everything in our power to ensure we have as much contact with others as we can, without that including unlawful physical contact. ALL studies on wellness consider social engagement as an essential ingredient to improved wellbeing and flourishing.

Physical distancing is a respectful, kind and non-judgemental response to our current situation.  Please purge the term SOCIAL DISTANCING from your vocabulary and replace it with the more humane term PHYSICAL DISTANCING.  And increase your social rapport to overcome the remaining distance between us.

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*:  COVID-19: Straight Answers from Top Epidemiologist Who Predicted the Pandemic, by Dan Buettner, Blue Zones, June 6, 2020. Please follow this link for an excellent science based discussion of  Covid-19: https://shar.es/aHLAoO

AMYGDALA or HIPPOCAMPUS?*

The more I research well-being, the more interested I become in neuroscience. It suggests that parts of our brain have an important role in maintaining our well-being.

Neuroscience has found that there are two lobes in the frontal cortex that are designed to manage our fight-or-flight, fast thinking instinct.  The dominant one is the amygdala. This is where memories of anxious or dangerous experiences from your formative years are stored.  It acts as an early warning system:  if the current moment resembles this past memory, it is time to react quickly and instinctively.  The amygdala’s role (especially 100,000 years ago) was to  ensure we reacted quickly to impending danger: better safe than sorry was its mantra.  Unfortunately, the amygdala has not had its software updated since 100,000 BC. Therefore, it is less suited for our relatively safe 2020 AD.  Steve Peters might describe the amygdala as the ‘chimp in our Chimp Paradox’, a wary friend or foe that requires constant monitoring.

The hippocampus is a more recent addition (10,000 BC) to our brain’s artillery.  Its role is to slowly and logically size-up a situation, aiming to find a rational response to whatever confronts us.  The hippocampus also stores memories, including positive ones, and more thoughtful and complex memories of challenging situations. Rather than reacting instantly, the hippocampus ponders the moment and frames it in a more balanced manner.  However, the highly emotional amygdala reacts six times faster than its slower, logical hippocampus.

“So what?” you reasonably ask. Well,  our brain can be re-programmed because of its  neuroplastic nature; our minds can be retrained to frame and reframe memories differently. 

"Reframing, as defined in the textbook ‘Contemporary Behaviour Therapy’ is the cognitive restructuring of maladaptive thinking processes and substituting those for more workable cognitions. Cognitive restructuring therapy maintains that people construct their realities based on what is important, meaningful, and real to them. In other words, the interpretations you assign to an event, rather than the actual event itself, determines its effect on your emotions. Reframing will allow you to reconstruct your thoughts, in order to view circumstances from a new perspective, thus leading you to feel more positive about that same circumstance and, therefore, to feel less fear or stress."#

Simply put, your overactive and emotional amygdala can be tamed by reframing your more challenging moments: you can give your hippocampus a chance to get involved.  Rather than fight or flight, there is a reframing of the moment as you pause and add some rational thinking in to the mix.  Your hippocampus can be habitually retrained to be a bit more assertive.

Please be kind, patient and thoughtful to your partner and others.

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*:  Some of the insights from this reflection come from either:

#: Reframe Your Viewpoints: How to Gradually Redirect Anxiety Energy to Unlock Confidence by Virginia Ritterbusch

The Chimp Paradox: The Acclaimed Mind Management Programme to Help You Achieve Success, Confidence and Happiness by Steve Peters

Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman

TELESCOPE OR MICROSCOPE?

Are you viewing life through a telescope of wonder and promise?  Or are you viewing life through a microscope of what is missing and remiss?  Are you looking upwards with awe and amazement or looking inward with disappointment and longing? 

When I look upwards, whether at the moon, clouds, blue sky or that distant hill it usually inspires me about the awesomeness of my surroundings and good fortune.  Pleasure and joy are the more frequent emotions.  When I look forward, I do see beauty but also walls, traffic, and other obstacles. I feel grounded and grateful for my bounty. When I look down, I too often see litter, cracks in the sidewalk and don’t feel especially positive.  And when I start looking inward what I see too often is what is missing, not what is there.

It is essential to be mindful of your circumstances and challenges, and to have compassion for those that are less blessed. These microscopic perspectives on your present moment keep you grounded and real.  But does this depict the present moment as an opportunity full of promise or just more of the same-old same-old?  Being introspective or retrospective limits the possible perspective of looking upward at a richer now.

Telescoping upward in your present moment opens wonder.  Have you ever looked at the moon on a clear night, or a view of a distant mountain, or a seascape and felt disappointment?  Yet when you microscope inward do your spirits generally improve?  Yes, please ponder who you are, where you are at and mystery of life.  But spend at least as much time looking up at all the beauty around and above you.

Given a choice of whether to use a microscope or a telescope to look for what is and isn’t there, give me the telescope any time.  What is beyond is infinite and limitless, whereas what is within is finite and limited. Do spend more time looking upwards: there is a lot out there that is outside our imaginations.

  Please be kind, patient and thoughtful to your partner and others.

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CAUSING HOPE

Having too much time to speculate about the present, I keep coming back to feeling hopeful, even as so much seems hopeless and broken. Maybe it is because the UK is experiencing such an awesome Spring, but I don’t think that’s the reason (although it is much appreciated).  All the negative and troubling statistics make me sad for those who are suffering, but I still end up feeling hopeful.

Hope can be defined as a belief or yearning that things can change and be better in the future, especially when the present moment is uncertain or challenged. Feeling motivated to turn things around to benefit yourself and others. #  Doesn’t that feel a lot like today?

What is driving my hopefulness is a deliberate strategy of defying the natural impulse to despair and re-framing the present hopefully.  I know if I follow the despair route, there is no end in sight other than increased hopelessness and anxiety.  My defense is to feel compassion for those suffering from Covid-19, but also to rejoice for those that have recovered.  I admire the front-line workers putting themselves at risk, and|I am out there banging pots weekly to applaud their selflessness.  I praise humanity for our artistic and creative natures.  I re-arrange the daily dose of death from an absolute amount to a deaths-per-million measure (which tells a very different, but much more encouraging story). **   Keeping my social distance, I try to smile and say hello to as many strangers as possible.

The wonderful thing is that these pro-active actions improve my sense of hope. Scientists have found that doing acts of  kindness produces the single most reliable momentary increase in well-being of any exercise they have tested.@  Finally, if you have a spiritual dimension, use it generously to invoke a sense of wonder, awe and promise.

Being hopeful can turn the tide on the overwhelming tsunami of anxiety and despair. We can all long for a better present and tomorrow. My friends, please be kind to yourself and others.

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#: Positivity by Barbara Frederickson

**: Follow this link for more:  https://ourworldindata.org/coronavirus-data

@:  Flourish: A New Understanding of Happiness and Wellbeing by Martin Seligman

THE ESSENTIAL MINERALS OF WELLNESS

Earlier I suggested that hope, serenity and gratitude were outstanding positive emotions or vitamins to counter Covid-19 anxiety. Just as vitamins are required for our physical wellbeing, there are some essential emotional minerals that can spice up this challenging season of life. 

In these tense times, I am actively seeking out or creating moments where I am feeling interested, inspired and awed.  Let’s look at each one:

Interest:  Feeling open and alive.  Your horizons are expanding with new possibilities.  You have a desire to explore, to take in new ideas and learn more.

Inspiration:  Feeling uplifted.  Seeing better possibilities than usual.  A desire to want to express and do what is good.

Awe:   Feeling overwhelmed by greatness.  Experiencing goodness and amazement.

These positive emotions are generally under-utilized, as we are too busy to pause and allow ourselves to feel truly interested, inspired or awed by what is right there in this moment.  It often takes deliberate effort to experience these uplifting emotions, as we must look for something special in the ordinary and usual, letting go of judgemental thinking.  These feeling can also trigger gratitude and serenity which is great bonus.

It may sound corny, but I love those Tom Hanks type feel good movies and absolutely avoid all movies that have unhappy ending or violence.  Especially now, with the almost 24-hour Covid-19 awfulizing news coverage I need to refresh my spirits with uplifting and hopeful possibilities, reducing negative inputs or suggestions.  Why not check out a BBC Nature show, a book where things go well, a Friends episode, your favourite music from yesterday or a tasty treat?  Go back to what works for you, and savour the reassurance, inspiration and awe it rewards you.

Seek out moments that encourage feelings of interest, inspiration or awe. This will spice up your day and improve your spirits.  Improving our resilience needs a diet of positive emotions. 

Please bulk up on interest, inspiration, awe (and hope, gratitude, hope, love, serenity pride and amusement also).

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PERSPECTIVE

The world seems in chaos and confusion, with all the focus on the coronavirus.  What is going on?  Should I stock up on toilet paper and canned goods?  Have I got it already? Yes, I would rather than the coronavirus was not with us, but it is. 

Is panic or pause the better perspective in these troubling times?

I would suggest that panic is the least suitable response, perhaps only appropriate when things truly go off the rails, and perhaps not helpful even then.

Pause would suggest that we carefully research this challenge and start by defining what “bad”, “out-of-control” or “at personal risk of serious health consequences” means statistically and realistically.  What is the probability out of 100 (10,000?) that YOU are at serious risk of death or debilitation?  Pause encourages us to consider the financial costs to ourselves and others if we start to shut down the economy prematurely to manage this health threat.  I know that many individuals will experience financial ruin (bankruptcy), unemployment, delays in their education progress, family trauma and depression.  Anyone directly or indirectly associated with tourism, the service industry or who is part of an international supply chain is at serious economic peril if premature paranoia occurs.   Yes, there is an uncomfortable trade-off between the health and financial consequences when managing this dilemma, but the consequences of over-reacting will be real and profound.  Pause suggests a measured roll-out of our actions to manage this unfortunate situation. Is a few days of flu a reasonable cost if it prevents the economic/ emotional ruin of a friend or a community?

Perspective comes when we consider just how unique and serious the coronavirus really is.  Worldwide as of 19:17 GMT, March 9th,2020 there were 111,817 coronavirus cases, 3,843 deaths and 62,722 recoveries*.  Not great news, but looking at prior years what can we learn?

An estimated 80,000 Americans died of flu and its complications in the winter of 2018, the disease’s highest death toll in at least four decades. The director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Dr. Robert Redfield, revealed the total in an interview Tuesday night with ‘The Associated Press’. In recent years, flu-related deaths have ranged from about 12,000 to — in the worst year — 56,000, according to the CDC….. The 2018 season peaked in early February. It was mostly over by the end of March, although some flu continued to circulate.@

Consider, is this quote good or bad news (as there were 327.2 million Americans in 2018)?  Are we anywhere near these results? I am not suggesting that you behave recklessly as if there was no risk out there, but to wait cautiously as we learn more.  Perspective suggests looking at the big picture, putting things into some scale as in risk per 1,000, weighing the uncomfortable pros and cons and realizing there are consequences, with over-reaction and pessimism not always the best or timely action. Please remain calm, vigilant, and considerate of others. Be tolerant and don’t stockpile any more toilet paper!

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*: www.Worldometers.info

@: ASSOCIATED PRESS, SEPTEMBER 26, 2018

SHARING YOUR POSITIVE EMOTIONS

The ten positive emotions are such a blessing. Tapping into feelings of joy, love, pride, hope, serenity, gratitude, awe, amusement, interest and inspiration* will significantly improve your present.  However, are there other ways to make these feeling flourish and multiply?  Earlier I suggested you mindfully experience times when you are in one of these emotional states.

Another suggestion is to mindfully express or share with others your thoughts when you are feeling positive.  Sharing with someone else your positive feelings increases the intensity of that moment for you, but also uplifts the spirit of that other person, which improves your spirits even more.  The synergy is real and spontaneous.  You can even go further in this sharing approach top well-being.  Listen to others when they express uplifting moments and phrase their experience through the “positive emotion” lens and see how  it resonates within you.

If you use social media, capture that special moment and share it in terms of the positive emotions or similar words that speak to you.  Those receiving your message will then be able to tap into similar emotions and identify more precisely with you. The bounty of these positive emotions is that they are like paint, they can make your present more colourful, complete and joyful. 

Framing and re-framing your moments by experiencing and sharing them will enhance both your own and others’ well-being.

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*:  You might want to look at the Reflection of February 26th, 2019 for an expanded description of these ten positive emotions.

*: Source:  Positivity by Barbara Frederickson

EXPERIENCING POSITIVE EMOTIONS

Positive psychology research suggests there are ten positive emotions which capture or describe being in a state of well-being or happiness.  These ten emotions are: joy, gratitude, hope, love, pride, serenity, amusement, interest, awe and inspiration.* Indeed, being in situations where these feeling are ripe is wonderful, but there can often be something missing.

Yes, you are full of joy, gratitude, love, hope, but is that it? For me, too often I overlook letting these positive emotions becomes positive experiences.  Being in the moment does not necessarily mean you are mindful of the wonder of that moment.  That extra alertness of pausing to let the subtle glory of that moment resonate within you is the blessing mindfulness can bring.

With a little non-effort any positive emotion can be enhanced.  I call it non-effort for a reason. Non-effort means with full awareness appreciating the awesomeness of being there NOW and giving up the effort of our otherwise naturally tendencies to analyze that moment:  stop judging, evaluating, or ranking the experience. 

Make it a habit or ritual to regularly take an inventory of your immediate situation and see how many of these ten positive emotions are present and active NOW.  See if you can frame that NOW moment with these colourful feelings.  With some concentration try to add a few of these emotions that were not at first obvious and then let the glow of these feeling be fully experienced. 

Mindfully experiencing the NOW is taking that NOW to the next level.

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*:  You might want to look at the Reflection of February 26th, 2019 for an expanded description of these ten positive emotions.

*: Source:  Positivity by Barbara Frederickson

FRIGHTENING OR DANGEROUS?

Feeling fright is both essential and unhelpful, depending on the situation.  The fight or flight innate reflex implanted into humankind has certainly saved each of us from harm many times.  Fright caused you to jump back from an approaching car or to decide to avoid that deserted street at night.  However, has too much fright robbed you of much happiness and adventure?

 The epidemiologist Hans Rosling noted:

“Frightening” and “dangerous” are two different things. Something frightening poses a perceived risk. Something dangerous poses a real risk. Paying too much attention to what is frightening rather than what is dangerous— that is, paying too much attention to fear— creates a tragic drainage of energy in the wrong directions. ……. I would like my fear to be focused on the mega dangers of today, and not the dangers from our evolutionary past.” *

 Fear often occurs because we confuse frightening with dangerous.  Fright or fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat which is often highly unlikely.  Take terrorism as an example.  The likelihood of being killed in a terrorist event in the West is 20 times less than being killed in a natural disaster, 14 times less than being murdered but 50 times more than being killed in a plane crash.  More people are killed by bees or horses than terrorists.  But what do we hear about?  Bees, horses or terrorists!!

 Danger is risk that is really out there, based on actual threats. Hans notes:

“The world seems scarier than it is because what you hear about it has been selected— by your own attention filter or by the media— precisely because it is scary.”

We don’t hear about safe outcomes, uneventful but wonderful adventures (unless they are a travel documentary) or happy endings, because they are deemed uninteresting and boring”

In finance the way risk taking is posed is by answering this real life trade-off question:  Do you want to eat well (take more risk) or sleep well (take less risk?) Regardless, the more risk you take the more you will earn.  That’s life.  

There is no right answer to the risk taking/caution dilemma, but that doesn’t mean you should be indifferent or unaware of the trade-offs. 

Regardless of your mindful choice, you unconsciously make the choice to be cautious or take a risk many times a day.  Please temper your conclusion with the occasional reality check: your well-being might appreciate it.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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*: "Factfulness: Ten Reasons We're Wrong About The World - And Why Things Are Better Than You Think" by Hans Rosling, Ola Rosling, Anna Rosling Rönnlund 

HAPPENSTANCE

Happenstance can be defined as circumstances that seem to be due to chance, especially those causing fortunate results. But are they really? So much of my life has been blessed by allowing for and/or seeking out such moments.

For example, when I travel one of my guiding principles is: “When in doubt, turn left.”  The corollary of this travel tip is: “Get lost.” If I am walking down a street in a calm neighborhood and I see a side-street on my left, that’s where I go. I have been amazed by the number of curious sights I have come across, or interesting characters I have met.  Most of my wonderful memories occur when I am lost.

When I am alone in a crowd I often greet the person next to me with a respectful question that starts with” Hello my friend ….?”   Rarely has that person been other than keen to answer or help.  Almost without exception those I interacted with were helpful, open and eager to be helpful. 

Similarly, my definition of success is when preparation meets opportunity.    Setting yourself up for more success requires one to cause deliberate happenstance.  Put yourself in opportune circumstances and then risk being notable and present. 

To improve the effectiveness of this strategy it is recommended that you start by ensuring that the environment is SAFE, however you define safety. Recognize that you are likely at the edge of your comfort zone, and that is good, so risk being in this zone.  Acknowledge you are letting go of control and then LET GO.  Please be respectful of others that you will engage with. Count backwards from 5 to 0 and GO for it. 

Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable to new situations and people empowers several of our strongest positive emotions: awe, interest, and curiosity.  Push yourself to the limits of your comfort zone, and make it bigger. If you are coming from a good place, so often taking chances in this way will bless you richly.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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PREDICTING OUR FUTURE (FAILURE)

There can be a self-fulfilling, rather prophetic nature to our life.  Consider this all-to-true riddle or Catch 22:

We learn from our past what to predict for the future.  Then we live in the future we expected.

Continuing, we predict the worst outcomes, not the best.  We will do less well in a presentation and our prediction comes true.  Or we want to lose weight or go to the gym but deep down inside we really don’t believe we can or will, and low and behold we underachieve. We are setting ourselves up for failure. Can we make this “pre-lived future” work for us? Can we undermine its destructive influence?

Yes, there are several strategies that we can do to make these self-fulfilling prophecies work for us.  The best place to start is to predict an attainable but reasonably challenging and wonderful future.  If your expectation is unrealistic, then by design you will fail.  Better to under-promise and over-deliver than to over-promise and under-deliver and fail.  Next, predict successful outcomes.  Imagine winning, achieving that realistic goal.   Turn this riddle so it works to our advantage by expecting positive outcomes. What also is helpful, if we have been unsuccessful in the past on this mission, is to re-frame this attempt as a FIRST TIME, even if it isn’t. Those previous attempts are plaguing us and setting us up for failure.  Mindfully LET GO of past disappointments or consider them irrelevant.  At the very least don’t let past disappointments set us up for another one next time around.  Let go of pre-conceived notions or ideas that are unhelpful or hold you back.

At the root of this cycle is the tendency to predict the future and fuss about the past.  Rather we should strive to be in the present moment and be mindful.  Being caught up in a loop between the past and the future compromises the NOW. Why not live the present moment, reframe it and believe it will is very well indeed?

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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DON’T QUIT OR SEND THAT!

Imagine you’ve just had an unfortunate experience and you are very discouraged by it.  You want to quit whatever because at this moment it is just too much.  Or someone did something that really aggravated you and you are fuming with anger.  You write a really angry and poisonous email to vent your frustration.  You seriously think about quitting or sending the email.

Can I make a suggestion which I wish I had followed when I was feeling like that?  DON’T QUIT ON A BAD DAY.  SEND THAT EMAIL TOMORROW, AFTER YOU’VE RE-READ IT AND HAVE COOLED DOWN.

Making serious decisions requires reflection and pause.  These are not fast thinking, spur of the moment reflexes that need an immediate response. Be very mindful that reactions can have significant lingering consequences, as they often cannot be easily reversed.  Once you QUIT or hit SEND that is it.  The dust and fallout will settle where it may, and that may not be a good resting place.

I know it is very difficult to pause at these trying moments, but PAUSE you MUST!  You are emotionally charged and eager to do something, but should you?  Rarely are these trying occasions dangerous or life threatening so there is no urgency to act decisively or firmly.  This is not a LET GO moment, but a CHILL or RE-FRAMING opportunity.

From my experience, not quitting or hitting SEND was a God sent relief.  Things were not as bad as I imagined, it was just my imagination getting ahead of me.  And that email, it could have become a CLM (Career Limiting Move), or required some serious back tracking to get out that mess.

When the going gets weird, re-frame that moment with a big STOP sign.  Have you got the facts straight?  Is your rage helpful or harmful? What will tomorrow look like if I quit or offend that other party? 

I am not suggesting that you give in or accept an unfair situation.  Rather I am clearly suggesting that before you do something extreme you carefully consider if you have a (better) Plan B option. Be careful, you might just get what you ask for!

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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ANGRY OR DISAPPOINTED?

I don’t know about you, but when I am caught up in traffic, or someone does something that I think is untoward, I can quickly become very angry. Perhaps you have had instances where better anger management would have been helpful.  Instead you got yourself into an unpleasant or uncomfortable situation and said or did something you later regretted.  Is there a cure to not losing your temper?

More recently when I have faced these anger testing moments, I have actively sought to re-frame and re-phrase this tension with a different emotion.  Instead of being angry I CHOOSE to be disappointed or discouraged. 

Reframing anger to being disappointed, discouraged, displeasured or dis-anything starts with a conscious and deliberate choice of pausing.  This breaks the almost instantaneous cycle of fight or flight into a recess and lets us step back and reflect for a moment.   Then, by changing the lens that I use to see the situation, my temperament also changes.  I move from an external desire to lash out to an internal examination of what is really troubling me.  Yes, someone wronged me, but rather than venting outwardly I just absorb the blow and process the event as impersonal, letting go of as much of the negative energy as possible.  At the end of the day wasn’t my anger really disappointment? I was discouraged and frustrated by the situation.

The wonderful thing about being disappointed or discouraged is that it allows me to question the WHY behind my tension.  After all, anger at its root started as an offensive survival skill when times were very dangerous and hostile. Hopefully, I begin to recognize that much of my frustration is related to my assumptions about the situation.  Often if there is a cause to my anxiety it is based in myself. The best thing to do is move along and ask what can I learn from what just happened. 

Pausing and challenging my beliefs and reframing the angry moments as disappoints certainly has reduced the sting when things go pear-shaped.  These discouragements encourage me to learn and accept increased responsibility for my own circumstances and my reactions thereto.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

Please share freely and widely, there are no copyright concerns.