IS OUR FRIGHT USEFUL OR NECESSARY?

Fright can undermine much of our well-being, especially if it is left unchecked and permitted to grow.  We can be fearful of some uncertainty or situation and conjure up anxious outcomes.  But are our fearful thoughts warranted or were we just caught off-balance?  Fright is akin to being momentarily scared, but does that mean things are really dangerous or life threatening?

Historically, having a cautious nature was essential to one’s survival and safety, as danger was everywhere and medical treatment was practically non-existent.  A broken leg or open wound was very life threatening.  The average life span until the start of the twentieth century was between 30 and 40 years, whereas now it is 80 or over for those living in the West.  Have we re-wired our thinking to today’s world? Or are we living in some media invented other reality?  The media is constantly telling us that we are at serious risk from too much fat in our diets, or criminality, or airplane crashes or threats from terrorism– and all of these can make us overly anxious. Remember, good news does not sell, as it is too boring.

Frightening things are about perceived (or imagined) risks, whereas dangerous things are about real risks.  Between innovations, regulations, standards, medical advances and education, the world has never been as safe as it is now.  Being frightened is largely an emotional, not a rational reaction.  Put very bluntly, if you were to die only because of unnatural or dangerous events (that is, other than age related illnesses and circumstances), on average you would live to be 2,800 years old.  Based on this simple but valid statistic our world is EXTREMELY safe and secure.

Getting to grips with your anxiety will help you sleep better. Please consider investigating the FACTFULNESS* book noted below, it provides the data and research to support a less dangerous view of our reality.  It is a fascinating and reassuring read.

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*: Factfulness: Ten Reasons We're Wrong About The World - And Why Things Are Better Than You Think by Hans Rosling, Ola Rosling, Anna Rosling Rönnlund

CURIOUS?!?

The world and what you and I know about it is changing at an alarming pace. What we were taught seems to be less relevant or timely with each passing day.  How does one stay ahead or on top of what is current or useful? Additionally, just behind us is artificial intelligence, which is challenging our employment prospects. The standard response is lifelong learning.  I agree that lifelong learning is a useful defensive measure, but what might be a more effective offensive strategy?

Let’s use my area of expertise, financial accounting, as an example.  When I was learning the trade in the 70’s one could largely master most of the body of knowledge with a reasonable degree of diligence.  When I taught it, things began to change as more and more issues were raised and addressed, in an increasingly complex world.  Specialists emerged, where previously there were few areas of specialist expertise. Now that approach is falling short for the generalists and the specialists, as there is just so much information and not enough time to absorb it all.

My suggestion when confronting the challenges of the knowledge explosion and artificial intelligence is to apply our uniquely human quality of CURIOUSITY to the situation.  We need to risk being truly curious about what ever newness we are confronting.  Rather than being trained and re-trained, we must become fully engaged in the marvel of whatever new or novel learning confronts us.

To me, curiosity is the blending together of at least eight of the ten positive emotions*, being joy, savouring (remembering), interest, hope, amusement, inspiration, love and awe, applied to our area of expertise and life more generally.  Learning and knowledge growth is most effective when one is joyfully and actively engaged. Being curious means investing in order to grow and internally prosper. Artificial Intelligence will never be able to beat us on emotional curiosity.

Let’s use our “curiosity” advantage to our advantage.

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*: See 26th February, 2019 for more detail of the ten positive emotions

THE FIVE MINUTE ETHICS COURSE

I will never forget one particular learning experience:  a student of mine taught me a method to test whether an action was ethical or not, all in under five minutes.  I have experimented with the system he taught me and it seems pretty much bullet proof. 

If you are confronted with an ethical dilemma and your answer is a confident YES TO ALL THREE of these questions, it is highly likely that what you are contemplating IS ETHICAL.  If one answer is a NO, then you are likely offside.

First, apply the Golden Rule Test, which is: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. (Or the Confucian form which is: Don’t do unto others as you would not have others do unto you.)  If someone did what you are considering to you would you be offended, harmed or displeased?  Reciprocity or tit-for-tat is an essential test for much of our behaviour.

Second, the Role Model Test, which is:  If you were a parent would you want your child to do what you are considering?  Would you want to set this action up as an example which your offspring would follow and consider “normal”? Is this the type of role modeling you want to promote?

Third, the Front Page Test, which is: If you had editorial privilege and the entire front page of the newspaper, could you fully explain and justify your action to an objective, informed and diligent reader?  By definition, ethical dilemmas are complex, full of contextual details and awkward trade-offs.  Would a thoughtful and independent observer, after evaluating the full circumstance of your situation, decide in your favour, or at least give you the benefit of the doubt? 

I have shared these tests with many and pondered them, appraising situations I have heard about or experienced through their lens. I would recommend this five minute ethics course as highly effective, and a good primer for life.  It is simple enough to teach young children, and robust enough to guide seasoned professionals.

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ARE WE HERE FOR A GOOD TIME?

Trooper, a Canadian band from the 70’s wrote a wonderful song called: “We’re here for a good time (not a long time)”.  For the longest of time that simple line was at the root of much that I did and indeed I did have some very good times.  Back then it sounded like a good compass to direct my attention, but it does ring hollow now.

Somewhere over the past fifteen years I discovered the importance of purpose.  I started to focus more on doing things because they were in line with my core values and intrinsic goals.  Volunteering, designing my working duties and seeking out venues where I could encourage outcomes that really mattered to me became essential to my well-being.  I started to look for opportunities to combine purpose with good times, and there were several.

I know it took many years, and many mis-steps, but eventually I was able to find a unique circle of competence where I could do things that were very purposeful and mattered to me.  I looked at what I did well in my career: what were those things that I would willingly and eagerly do on weekends or evenings? I started to read more and think more deeply about my dreams and goals. Was there any common theme?   How can I make a difference and make the world a better place? Something purposeful slowly emerged.

What distinguishes a good time from a purposeful time?  Good times focus too much on immediate or short term pleasure.  Good times exaggerate the importance of “JUST DO IT”, and can be rather selfish.  Purpose considers well-being, others, the longer term and the consequences of what you JUST DID. 

I would be the last person to suggest that you give up good times.  Yes, be fanciful and carefree.  Do cause some amazing memories. Absolutely, good times rock!!  But also pause, and imagine how you can make a good time a BETTER TIME.  A dose of purpose is all it takes.

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ARE WE OUR INTENTIONS OR OUR ACTIONS?

There is a dilemma and contradiction we all encounter when we judge ourselves or others.  When it comes to ourselves we know what our intentions are and evaluate our actions using our internal moral compass based on our intentions.  However, for others, as we can only see their actions, we judge them by these actions and largely overlook their intentions. 

This implicit unfair bias has troubling consequences.  We imagine ourselves to be highly proper, fair minded citizens based on our noble intentions (and often poor execution thereof).  However, when someone trespasses against us, we act as judge and jury and sub-consciously convict that person and their actions as untoward.  Too often we infer the wrong intention and mis-judge the impact of the action.  Where is the balance of justice and fairness in this contraction?  Obviously it is missing.

Where do you go from this puzzle?  The quickest but often hardest solution is to become less judgemental and let go of the process of critiquing others.  What a joy and relief it is to just be and let others be also.  Following on this line, the principle that ‘what goes around, comes around’ applies to you.  If you judge others less often or harshly, you can reasonable expect that you will be treated similarly. 

You should fully appreciate that the measures you use to judge others should be used to judge you, complete with the mis-perceptions natural to the fact that you are not the actor of the action. It may not always work out that way, but it certainly can make your life a lot kinder and less tense.

When the actions of others impact on us, it is a good strategy to frame their intentions as coming from a good and wholesome place.  Most likely that person meant no harm, and the worst case is that they were careless (but not thoughtless or vicious).

Note, I am not suggesting that actions do not matter, because they absolutely do!  Rather, judge less, judge as you wish to be judged, do more good, subtly appreciate the impossibility of fairly evaluating others and assume the best of others.

I do believe ultimately we are our intentions (but WE MUST INTEND TO DO), things just get lost in translation.

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WHETHER YOU THINK YOU CAN OR YOU CAN’T, YOU’RE RIGHT!

Thank you Henry Ford for this all too correct summary of how influential our thinking and imagining is to our well-being.  Henry, using intuition, observed what Sonja Lyubomirsky empirically uncovered from reviewing the literature on well-being (1).  Both noted that our intentions have enormous effect on our state of flourishing. 

 Sonja summarized her findings by concluding that around 40% of what determines our well-being is up to our intentional thoughts and activities. What about the rest?  50% is largely set by our genetically determined set points (our genes, which cannot be changed).  The last 10% is our unique life circumstances (rich or poor, beautiful or plain, etc.).

If we decide, often by default, that we are having a bad day, it is almost certainly going to turn out that way.  Inversely, if with determined intentions we decide our day or experience is going to go well, that day or event will have a high probability of being satisfying.  Try it: frame some upcoming occasion with optimistic potential.  Chances are it will go joyfully, or at least better than if one had no joyful expectations.

Having watched (and graded) thousands of learners sitting examinations, the correlation between the candidate’s intentional preparation and attitude and their subsequent performance seems strong.  The writer with a confident air generally walks out of the venue with a positive expectation and later a rewarding result.  And those that enter and exit the exam hall with low expectations seem too often get their expectations confirmed.

Whether one can or can’t is a less random outcome than we imagine.  Realistic intentions, coupled with proper preparation, have a significantly higher success rate than imagining we are the victim of circumstance. 

Make our self-fulfilling prophesies bountiful and beautiful.  Chances are we will get what we asked for.   

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 (1): Pursuing Happiness: The Architecture of Sustainable Change, Sonja Lyubomirsky, Kennon M. Sheldon, David Schkade, Review of General Psychology 9(2):111-131 · June 2005

WHAT GOOD THINGS ARE HAPPENING TO YOU?

How you start a conversation with a friend or stranger can significantly influence how pleasing the interaction is.  “Hello” or the like works okay and no one takes exception, but you can do better, once the first introductions are over.  What if you start that encounter on a positive, engaging and sincerely interested tone? Chances are the chat will be more joyful and insightful.

My preferred way to set the tone of a conversation with a friend is to sincerely ask:  “What good things are happening to you?” hoping that they answer this question thoughtfully and happily.  If they are reluctant to share initially, then I respectfully pry a bit until something joyful emerges.   I listen for clues so we can have a pleasurable tête-à-tête about the blessing in their life.  Rather than hearing about the rain or traffic delays, you hear about vacations, achievements, friendships, or other joys. 

Another similar question to set the tone is to ask:  “What is going well today?” or “What went well?”   Sure enough, something is going well.  People love to discuss their success, and it is wonderful and inspiring to learn about their wins.  Quickly, they overcome their modesty and share their better moments and achievements.  

Years ago, a colleague taught me a wonderful introduction to a total stranger, such as a taxi driver or shop clerk when you need help.  He acknowledged the person as”  “Hello my friend”.  This introduction generally set the tone of the exchange on a positive and equal footing.  Additionally, the assistance you get is so much kinder and personable.  People in the service sector are less used to being treated in a friendly manner and appreciate the respect you bestow on them.  And it cost you nothing!

Trying to start conversations in a more positive framework causes you and others to frame their moments and days through a more grateful prism.  This will make for more enjoyable moments and conversations.

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MAKING HELPFUL AND HOPEFUL COMPARISONS

Comparing yourself to others often breeds jealousy and/or a sense of disappointment.  There will ALWAYS be someone with a better, bigger, newer, shinier, smarter, richer, faster or flashier whatever.  At best you may win the comparison contest for a few weeks before you are topped or your achievement, if compared to others, loses its merit, interest or bragging rights.

However, comparisons can also be very constructive as they motivate us to seek to improve ourselves and our situation.  We look around and speculate how we can make for a better tomorrow.  Much of this forward thinking is based on comparing what is to what might be; looking for a fix or improvement to our current situation. If there was no better or worse outcome, nothing would be worth doing. (1)

So, how can you make the process of comparison helpful and work for you? It comes down to what is the standard or base you use when you make comparisons.  Is it reasonably achievable or unrealistic? Related or unrelated to your personal strengths?

The Canadian psychologist Jordan Peterson came up with a simple and effective rule, being: “Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today”. (1) Looking at the comparison process this way provides some practical guide.  Letting go of others in the comparison game makes the possibility of successful improvement highly achievable, as you become your own standard. 

So how can you make comparison helpful and hopeful?  Decide on what aspects of yourself to focus on for improvement by asking: “What is the better version of yourself you want?”  What are those personal attributes that you are likely to succeed at bettering?  Set low and readily achievable targets and slowly up your game.  Observe and appreciate your personal improvement over time.   Make the rewards for progress intrinsic and personally satisfying.  Look at your yesterday and note how your today is in a minor way better.

Letting go of others in the comparison process is an effective way to focus on yourself and your journey.  Get rid of the disquieting self-doubt and jealousy that others unhelpfully introduce into your self-improvement challenge.

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(1):  Jordan B. Peterson, 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos, (Penguin Books, 2018)

HARBOURING VS. LETTING GO OF THE PAST

This site is called Smallercup and suggests you should have a smaller cup to improve your well-being.  But what is in the cup?  The assumption is something positive, but sometimes what we are holding in our cup and our soul is anything but that.

A serious challenge to your well-being is the malice and ill-will you may harbour inside.  A silent but real anger against someone or something will prevents a positive sense of self to emerge.  Someone seriously crossed your bottom lines, or a point-of-view totally violates your sense of right or justice and you are stuck in anger, resentment and poison. Your cup is neither full, empty nor smaller, just disappointed and vengeful!

First, if your cup has any toxins in it, it will be difficult to materially improve your well-being.  Desmond Tutu noted that we “all face the same choice: to forgive or to seek revenge”.  Letting go is not easy, but not letting go of your real and valid misfortunes is going to corrupt your life journey.  Revenge will absolutely get you nowhere other than backwards.

Second, letting go does not mean forgetting, rather it means forgiving the wrong or wrong doer and moving on.  And perhaps even forgiving yourself.

Third, letting go of your wrathful poison will release you from the prison of your past. Obsessing and replaying past transgressions rots you from the inside out.  Unfortunately, you become a prisoner of your past.

Fourth, harbouring negative feelings to specific individuals taints the way you see people generally, how you see the world, and how others see you.  

Five, harbouring disappointment about the past limits your achievements in the present and the future, as it can undermine your confidence and willingness to take risks and chance success.

Six, letting go of those aspects of your past allows for healing and moving forward.

Seven, letting go always allows for resilience to mature.

It is very unlikely there is anyone that does not have moments they wish they could erase from their past, so you are not alone.  Awfulizing, re-playing, second guessing, and harbouring those past moments doesn’t undo the damage. 

However, there is much merit in cognitive behavioral therapy to free you of these matters and help you let go.  PLEASE do see a specialist to help you move on if you are stuck.  

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HOW LONG IS NOW?

With so much mention about “being in the now or moment” it seems a fair question to ask: ”How long is now?”  NOW is defined as the length of time that you can be aware of something before your awareness moves on to something else. Different estimates abound, ranging from one to ten seconds long, averaging between two and three seconds for each discreet NOW moment. (1) 

That means you experience between 10,000 and 20,000 NOWS during each waking day. However you remember almost none of these NOW moments.  Does this forgetfulness dismiss the importance of being the moment?  NO! 

As Bill Keane, the cartoonist of Family Circle said in 1984:   “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a GIFT.  That’s why it’s called the present.”

At any one moment there are three different NOW selves potentially engaged. These selves are your experiencing (present) self, your remembering (past) self and your planning (future) self.  Each of these selves is fighting for your awareness.  Unfortunately the past (regretting) self wins most of your NOW awareness, followed the future (worrying or anxious) self and the present (mindful) self just hangs around being rather dis-engaged.

You cannot productively use all those three second moments as present gifts, but you can improve re-prioritise your mind to think more effectively.  Whereas 99.9% of these NOWs are fleeting, deliberately engage with the 0.001% of them (about 20 per day) and make them real and alive.  Bring a smile to your face.  Pause, take a breath, look about and engage as many of your senses as you can. Once in the while cause a NOW moment to become a genuine memory worthy of sharing with others and remembering for a few days.  Do something exciting, uniquely different and spontaneous.  And make it your mission at least four or five times a year to create a celebration that you will use to frame the year by.   This isn’t taking a selfie and putting it on your Facebook, but rather experiencing something that you will privately cherish and smile about as you re-count this year several years later.  Cause some NOW milestones!!

Annually you have around five million NOW moments, so make some of these present moments a gift to yourself.

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(1): Marc Wittmann, Felt Time: The Psychology of How We Perceive Time, (MIT Press, 2016)

CELEBRATE or RUMINATE?

Memories can be both blessings and curses.  When you reflect on your past, do you celebrate or loath these past experiences?  Do you recall the wonderful or the unhappy peaks?  Do you treasure the blessings or ruminate endlessly on your misfortunes?  You have control over what and how you recall your past.  You can frame your yesterdays as a series of disasters, or windfalls, or a blend of both. 

 Ruminating is a curious habit that we all engage in, especially in relation to the unfortunate moments in our lives.  You re-play that scene where you said, did or failed to say or do something, and speculate how life would be better had you acted differently. You beat yourself up in an endless cycle of remorse and “What ifness!!”  You are tied to your past in a most unhelpful and generally dysfunctional internal debate.  Honestly, what a waste of time and effort: nothing can or will change.

 So what is the remedy? Celebrate your past!  For every mis-step there are many more proper steps and happier endings. Just as you can frame your present circumstances in a more positive light, you can also frame and re-frame your past to include more fortunate memories. 

 It is indeed difficult to accept some of the injustices and unfairness that we are dealt, but to ruminate on these events only makes matters worse. Better to focus on what you can learn from these situations, seek justice where possible, let go and move forward.  But more importantly, actively celebrate your past successes, awesome moments, good luck and serendipitous blessings. 

 Yes there were aspects of last year that went less well but there were far more incidents that exceeded your expectations. When you talk about your job, travels, weather, dinner party, encounters with others, please let us not re-play the mis-steps.  Rather, talk more about your success, the sunsets, sunny days, amazing desserts, awesome re-collections, museums and the fantastic landscapes.  Celebrate your past, what when well and let go of ruminating.

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INTEGRITY AND SELF-ESTEEM

One of the more troubling changes I have noticed in younger adult learners is a serious deficit of self-esteem.  More and more students appear to be overly shy, uncertain and unwilling to proactively engage in their learning and life experiences.  They express limited or negative confidence or satisfaction in themselves or their futures.  Having a low self-image or regard in the early stages of one’s adult journey can significantly undermine one’s future prospects.

"The psychologist Nathaniel Branden, considered the father of the self-esteem movement, recognizes integrity as one of the essential pillars of self-esteem. Research by Branden and others suggests the existence of a self-reinforcing loop between integrity and self-esteem. The more integrity we practice, the more we esteem ourselves; and the more self-esteem we have, the more likely we are to exemplify congruence between our words and our actions.   When I follow up on my commitments—to others or to myself—I am sending others and myself an important message: that my thoughts, my words, and my self matter. My words are an expression of myself, and therefore when I honor my words I am honoring myself.”*

Integrity can be defined as walking your talk; keeping your word and commitments.  If you say you will be there at 11, be there at 11.  If you say you will do something, do it.  Perhaps it sounds trivial, but that is precisely the point of Branden’s research findings.  Keeping even the smallest and simplest of commitments does make you feel better about yourself. A sense of wellness does emerge and grow.  Posed another way, what does not keeping your word say about you or how others interpret you? From my own observations, I do notice that those I associate with higher integrity almost without exception also display higher degrees of self-esteem.

Positive psychologists suggest a simple program of making two or three small pledges to yourself and others, and systematically honouring them.  What quickly emerges is a sense of modest pride (one of the ten positive emotions).  As these commitments become habits, add more ambitious pledges.  Several things will occur; you will feel better about yourself, and others will think the better of you.

Make walking your talk part of who you are.

*: Even Happier: A Gratitude Journal for Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment by Tal Ben-Shahar

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PERFECTIONIST OR OPTIMALIST

Letting go is about knowing when good enough is good enough.  Are things likely to get a lot better or is this as good as it reasonably gets? 

 Some people are perfectionists - things can always be better and they are forever striving for the ideal and the perfect.  Others are optimalists - setting high standards and goals, but actively considering the trade-offs, costs and benefits of the perfect, relative to the attainable and possible.   Do you only want the very best?  Or are you satisfied with BETTER, and prepared to let go of BEST? 

A fairly blunt but effective way to classify people is to identify them as either perfectionist or optimalist.

"Perfectionists pay an extremely high emotional price for rejecting reality. Their rejection of failure leads to anxiety, because the possibility that they may fail is always there. Their rejection of painful emotions often leads to an intensification of the very emotion they are trying to suppress, ultimately leading to even more pain. Their rejection of real-world limits and constraints leads them to set unreasonable and unattainable standards for success, and because they can never meet these standards, they are constantly plagued by feelings of frustration and inadequacy.

Optimalists, on the other hand, derive great emotional benefit, and are able to lead rich and fulfilling lives, by accepting reality. Because they accept failure as natural—even if naturally they do not enjoy failing—they experience less performance anxiety and derive more enjoyment from their activities. Because they accept painful emotions as an inevitable part of being alive, they do not exacerbate them by trying to suppress them. They experience them, learn from them, and move on. Because they accept real-world limits and constraints, they set goals that they can actually attain and are thus able to experience, appreciate, and enjoy success."*

When people request that you cut them some slack, give them some space or the like, they are really saying that they are optimalists.  Yes, your perfection is wonderful but it doesn’t speaks to them.  Show the optimalist where improvements are possible but then move on.  If you are a perfectionist, lighten up.  It will likely be good for your stress and overall wellness.

*: “Even Happier: A Gratitude Journal for Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment" by Tal Ben-Shahar

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BEING and/or DOING?

We seem to spend so much time doing that we forget we are human beings not human doings. But how does one get from doing to being? By recognizing that the only thing we have is the present moment – the past is past, and the future is still ahead of us. We need to live in the NOW.

 There are two cycles we are perpetually involved in: the doing and the being aspects of life.  The DOING, DO, DONE loop of life is important but it should not overwhelm the BE, BEING sequence.   Regularly one should acknowledge that actions and busyness are FINISHED and it is time to smell the coffee and savour and relish the moment.

 Just being in the moment means appreciating what has been done, being quiet, and being at peace.  It means consciously stopping and evaluating before you go from one relentless task to another. That is what NOW is all about.  Regularly taking an inventory of your blessings, achievements and progress settles the spirit and improves your well-being.

 Forever pursuing tasks and doing more is exhausting and is well served with the occasional reflective moments.  Maybe meditation is not your cup of tea, but invent your own calming exercises.  Setting aside chill out breaks recharges the brain, encourages creative thinking, problem solving and well-being. 

 Four of the ten positive emotions (Reflection of February 26th) are about experiencing and being in the moment.  They are: amusement, awe, inspiration and interest.  Being in the now means engaging your various senses to non-judgementally savour and capture whatever is around you.  Challenge yourself to smile, find beauty and joy in what is going around you.   There are so many grand things going on around and within you, but maybe you just aren’t seeing them. 

 Challenge your powers of observation to record the amusing, awesome, inspiring and interesting things about your present moment. You might find this very hard to begin with, but practice makes it easier, and it will improve your mood and probably your productivity too!

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UNDER PROMISING

Years ago I was involved in an undertaking that was very frustrating.  The person I reported to was making promises and commitments, but rarely achieved anything near what was suggested.  Over time, I lost interest in the project due to embarrassment and disappointment.  Whereas the underlying project was interesting and achievable, the misleading expectations that were created ultimately lead to the project being abandoned, despite its potential.

 As I look back at that episode I learned an important lesson: under promise and over deliver.  It is better to please than disappoint someone, as we tend to harbour disappointments for a long time.  Over delivering generates surprise and gratitude – you have done more than expected.

We are all far more eager to talk up rather than to downplay an opportunity.  Promising early delivery, significant improvements, amazing low cost, stunning quality is all great marketing, but it isn’t necessarily a good idea.  If the actual result will likely be less than promised; the achievement is depreciated in the eyes of the friend, customer or colleague.

 The consequence of over promising is that one’s reputation for reliability and integrity can be undermined.  In the longer term, what is more important, one’s reputation or a quick sale?  You may win the battle (getting the immediate reward), but lose the war (the next opportunity or a more sustained relationship with that person or client).  Eventually, earning the trust and confidence of others is what should really matter.

 Under promising means being very realistic about what can be delivered and then adding a margin for error.  Knowingly quoting a higher cost, later delivery date or lower performance and later actually surprising the customers, friend or colleague with a better result is a winning formula.  In the short run you may lose a few deals, friends or promotions, but in the longer run you will definitely gain an advantage of trust.  

 Having a reputation for integrity and honouring your word is priceless, and it bears huge dividends in the longer run. 

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THE ASK; PLEASE ATTEMPT LIFE

For several years I was involved in a not-for-profit organization, where fund raising was a continuous challenge and necessity.  What I learned early on about fund raising (internally called revenue development) is that if you never ask donors for funds, you rarely get a donation.  One of the more common replies from potential donors was, “You never asked, so I never gave.”  So we asked and they made a contribution (often sizable) to our cause. 

 Asking can be unsettling and uncomfortable, but it does get results.  Asking certainly works better than not asking.  As Wayne Gretzky said:

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

And so it is with not putting in your request: it won’t happen if you don’t ask.

 Asking, if done sincerely and respectfully, empowers the asker. It reflects your authority and confidence in yourself by admitting you are in need of assistance.  The helper has a skill or resource you are in short supply of, and can feel privileged to be of assistance to you.  Being an asset to someone else enables the helper to actively show compassion and love, a true honour.  Asking is not a sign of weakness; rather an admission that you have limitations and cannot do everything.

 A useful introduction to an ASK request is to openly acknowledge that the other person may have other demands on their time or resources.  Start by saying,  “I know you are busy but were you to have time could you ……”  This shows you are mindful of their agenda and soften the imposition of your need.  This will materially improve the overall effectiveness of your request.

 To make your request more valuable ensure that you express appreciation for the help you received.  Saying “Thank You” makes the asking cycle complete, as it uplifts the other person.  Without an explicit thanks, asking can make the helper feel taken for granted and depreciated rather than appreciated.

  It’s okay to ask, just do it respectfully

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Befriend Your Enemies

Enemies are bad for you as they can easily undermine who you are.

 There are two important messages in this simple line. The loudest one is that the very idea of an ENEMY is bad for your well-being. Enemies consume your attention and energy, and distract you from your chosen path. Enemies invoke feeling of hatred, or wishing harm to another.

 Secondly, enemies can easily undermine who are you. Wishing or imaging vengeance undermines you and eventually this “enemy” captures you.  What is even more unfair is that this “enemy” may be unaware of your disdain, which make you the victim of your own anger, not them. 

 Yes, there are some people who are not my friend and I would not choose to spend extra time with them, but hate them, NEVER.  I describe them as my least (or less) favourite people. Yes, it does says in the Bible to love your neighbor, but it does not say anywhere that you have to like them. Hating and hatred are such strong emotions which are best avoided

 A difficult but useful strategy I use when someone gets classified as my “least favourite person” is to actively mediate (or pray) for their well-being.  Yes, they may have offended me, but I find it easier to hope for their wellness than ponder their misfortune.  Projecting positive emotions on to my offender almost immediately allows me to let go of the offence that hurt me and move on.  Allowing that person or deed to get under my skin starts to define me, which only makes the injury or offence worse.

 So the next time a wrong or offence occurs to you, try to quietly wish the person well and feel compassion, not anger or hate.  It is much wiser to be defined by one’s own measures and choices, rather than be defined by the actions and opinions of others.  The best solution is to be able to define oneself on your own terms.

 Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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THE POWER OF YOUR WILL

Have you noticed that some people have the determination of an ox (as the saying goes), and others give in to the smallest of temptations?   What distinguishes the one from the other is willpower.   Willpower is the power of your will and closely related to patience and deferred or delayed gratification.  Why are some so perseverant and others give in so easily? It doesn’t seem fair.

The psychologist and economist George Ainslie (specializing in drug addiction) visited the issue of willpower and wrote a fascinating book called “Breakdown of Will”.  He made the brilliant observation that willpower and self-control is the art of making the future appear much bigger and therefore more promising than the present or very near moment.  We all know about temptation and the dilemmas it creates in terms of indulging now or waiting; the trades-off between pleasure (short term) and wellness (longer term).

Ainslie used an example to highlight the willpower struggle.  In the distance you see a very tall building (long term goal or reward, well-being) but as you approach the high-rise it is dwarfed by a two story dwelling (short term reward or pleasure) such that the larger structure is obscured.  The willpower, temptation or addiction challenge is to focus on the taller building, even though for the moment it is not visible, and the immediate pay-off is right in front of you.  By being mindful of the larger but delayed reward one can confront temptation with resolve and the power of will.

Many of you may be familiar with the Stanford “marshmallow experiments” by Walter Mischel. In these studies, a child was offered a choice between one small reward immediately or two small rewards if they waited for a short period (approximately 15 minutes). In follow-up studies, the researchers found that children who were able to wait longer for the preferred rewards tended to have better life outcomes, as measured by SAT scores, educational attainment, body mass index (BMI), and other life measures.  Young children with better will power, self-control, patience and deferred gratification skills were handsomely rewarded later in life.

The rewards of stronger willpower are immense; master the power of your will and pass the skill along to the next generation.

Reflection Source: www.Smallercup.org

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What is Work?

My first bit of common sense or wisdom came to me when I was about ten years old. Its source was from the book by Mark Twain, The Adventure of Tom Sawyer. Tom was being punished by having to white wash paint a fence (you may also know the story). Tom was not keen about his assignment so he thought, “How can I turn this task from work to play and perhaps even make a profit?” 

What Tom did was to start painting the fence with joy and excitement.  His friends quickly observed his enthusiasm and asked if they could join in and do some painting.  Soon he was selling the privilege of painting the fence and only stopped when he ran out of paint.  This story has many themes, but the theme of the story as I was taught it many years ago was:

What is work?  It is what you don’t like doing.  What is play? 

It is what you enjoy doing.  Get paid to play.

That simple insight I learned at age ten changed me forever. I never forgot it, even after over 50 years of employment.  From that moment on I decided to NEVER GO TO WORK!! And you know what, I (almost) never have. My entire career (with the exception of about 3 years) I have been paid to play.  I was able to CONVINCE MYSELF that whatever I was doing was playful and joyful.   Now I must admit sometimes that having to convince myself that what I was doing was playful was a stretch, but I diligently and consciously made the effort to see situations in that light. 

The worst case solution was to ponder how the “work” situation was a learning platform and plan my escape; the normal response was to eagerly try to be my absolute best at it and speculate how it could be done better.  For repetitive tasks, analyzing them carefully was always an opportunity for improvement, even though the only one who would notice the improvement was myself. I turn my trade into an art form and forever looked for the smallest of tweaks and quirks to make the output something I had total personal pride in.  The point is, if what you are doing is play, then playing harder and better is always self-satisfying and motivating.

 Perhaps if your work is less than playful, than you could re-engineer your perspective and find some aspect of your tasks that you enjoy somewhat, and focus on how to make that aspect more central and playful.

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Habits

Confucius noted that “All humans are the same, except for their habits.” 

Habits are your natural tendencies or practices.  They determine how you behave or react to a situation and they are automatic reflexes, often unconsciously made.  We are all largely the same biologically, but we differ in how we behave or react to things.

Given that habits define your uniqueness and personality, then maturing habits that enhance contentment and wellness would be constructive. I have struggled to make my intentional activities (the 40% I control, see graph below) habitual and more beneficial.  Learning to be grateful, positive and reframing problems to possible thinking took a lot of mindful effort.  However, with practise these responses and perspectives became my natural habits - my default reaction.

Habits do have a pattern in their formation.  Repeating the same behavior consistently, deliberately and with mindful determination, for on average for 66 days, make a behavior or response automatic and habitual.   The wonderful reward of building wellness and contentment habits is that you get a subtle but real reward almost immediately and sub-consciously; you feel better quite quickly.  But just like medicine, once you start to feel improved health you often stop taking the medicine.  So also with wellness habits. 

Positive psychology suggests that the most useful and easiest well-being habit to mature is gratitude.  Start a gratitude journal to note your blessings, finding three to five things to be grateful for EVERY day.  Express internally or externally gratitude at every available opportunity (and especially when you are in a difficult situation).  Search for wonder in your present moment. 

Design your wellness program and invest 66 days to see what happens.  Nothing to lose- just take baby steps, one habit at a time.

Think about looking at some of your strengths and making them more habitual and regular.

What other well-being habits might you want to cultivate?

Ø  seeking opportunities for service

Ø  delaying gratification to its most opportune moment

Ø  exercising

Ø  working with your willpower to make it stronger

Ø  wanting less

Ø  practising resilience

Ø  looking for opportunities to express your purpose. 

For further reading, if you are interested:

How are habits formed: Modelling Habit Formation in the Real World,  Phillippa Lally,  Cornelia H. M. van Jaarsveld,  Henry W. W. Potts,  Jane Wardle; European Journal of Social Psychology, 16 July 2009, https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.674.

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