What do you imagine to be the most important quality that women and men seek in a sustained relationship? David Buss tested over 10,000 people from 37 different cultures and concluded that consistently the most important attribute was kindness.*  Whereas this conclusion may not be surprising, it certainly is reassuring. 

Kindness can be described as the quality of being friendly, thoughtful, generous and considerate. However, have you ever thought about how kindness (like its more directed and personal cousin, LOVE) has different ways of being expressed or actualized?

The Five Love Languages** suggests that one can express love or kindness to your partner or others in at least five different manners.  I like to summarize them as the four “T’s” : Time, Touch, Talk and Things [gifts]) and one “D” (deeds).  The clever point of this taxonomy is that we tend to express or be kind/loving to others based on how we like to be loved or receive kindness. 

However, by our nature and make up, we have a preference as to how we best appreciate being loved.  For example, your partner may long for spending time with you as this is their love language, but you are a deeds person and like to show your affection by doing things for that special person.  What happens is a miscommunication, your partner indulges you with their time and your reward them with deeds.  Yes, these acts of kindness are appreciated, but not as well as the person doing these actions had hoped for.  You may even become frustrated as your kindness seems to go unacknowledged.  Sometimes, the favorite form of kindness for one partner may be the least appreciated by the other and the effectiveness of one kindness may even become a source of friction.

As there is no correct love language and one preference is hard wired, what can be done?  I suggest you learn what the love language of your partner is and learn how to speak and express your kindness in that manner.  It isn’t hard to change the way you express your love, and similarly consider experimenting with being kind in different ways.  I ABSOLUTELY recommend the Five Love Languages book noted below, it without a doubt was the most insightful relationship books I have ever read (and implemented).   Well worth the read and insight it affords.  You may well discover you are talking different languages, which is relatively easy to adjust to and accommodate.

Reflection Source: www.smallercup.org

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*:          Buss, David M. 1989. “Sex Differences in Human Mate Preferences.” Behavioral and Brain Sciences

**:        "The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts"  by Gary D Chapman